Fell out of love with my wife...heartbroken

[lonelyandtired]

I think it says a lot about you, and the kind of man you are, that you're attempting to hurt your wife as little as possible in all this, even going so far as to try and make sure she's financially secure after you leave. You're a good person.

 

I try to be...I'm nowhere near perfect. I just want people to be happy. I end up a doormat sometimes, but i prefer getting used sometimes to being selfish, because I've done that in my life, too, and I always regret it.

 

It's going to be hard. There is never going to be a good time to sit her down and tell her, but if you're sure (and you've said that you are), then delaying it isn't going to make it easier. Waiting till Friday might not be a bad idea though. If nothing else, your counselor can help you go over what you're going to say and some tools for handling the emotional scene during and afterwards.

 

That's my hope. If she doesn't provide any real clarity, at least she may have some nicer processes for me to go through with this.

 

I know it doesn't feel like it now, but things are going to be ok. You just have to keep moving forward. Hang in there.

 

Thank you so much.

[lonelyandtired]

No problem Lonely, what you have failed to see yet is that I am now falling into your tracks. I too am tired of my up and down relationship and have at times felt like I want out and that would make it all better. BUT, at the end of the day I still hang on because I know we can do better and I have not lost it ALL yet. After everything we have been through it should be over, but it is not.

 

All of my friends and some of his are shocked we made it this far, fighting all the time....still do. I have told my H over and over again in the last month we should split up and he seems to think I just want an easy way out NOT realizing I have no idea what else to do......so, I do see both sides and yes sometimes I got angry....now I am just to tired to do anything.

 

I'm right there with you. The fatigue is a killer. Being emotionally drained, physically drains you.

 

Of course, I'm dieting like crazy and going to the gym everyday, too....how I have any energy right now is a mystery to me.

[lonelyandtired]

i read somewhere on one of these threads that there's a big spike in legal steps for relationships during the holidays. i am so glad you are trying to hold out to talk to the counselor.

 

Yeah. I think what got to me was not having the distraction of going to work for a week and a half. Normally that'd be great, but now, not so much with the good.

 

i would really love to hear that you've done anything to start to draw or be creative again. i think it is possible to work on steps toward your own happiness without any need to wait for anything. putting your efforts toward feeling like you life is full and worthwhile might keep the rockiness of the relationship from getting to you also.

 

I'm trying. Not so much getting creative just yet, but getting slimmer and in shape is making me feel somewhat better already. Having control over anything really, is nice. I take a sketch book and supplies to work each day...i just need to start cracking them out when things are slow.

 

i personally feel a giant relief now that the holidays are over, and hope the same for you!

 

Ain't that the truth? I couldn't pack that tree up fast enough yesterday.

[cj1988]

Yes Lonely, I am 41 and feel 61 sometimes. My H and I are both drained mentally and phsically and have been for years if you want to know the truth.

 

It seeme the harder we try to make it right the more it feels WRONG, that is what I did not get for a long time.

 

Although I have given him a way out SO many times, as miserable as he seems to be or is, he does not want to leave.....keeps saying I need to be patient and give him time to rebuild what was destroyed. Now, to me if you are able to actually tell your spouse that, then you should atleast act as if you mean it......his words and actions are not the same, that is what is draining me now ! I cannot do this!! When I told him I could not wait forever, (you are going to love this, it sounds like you) he said, WHY NOT I waited for you for all these years, you are selfish, now who really loves who......wow ! What a mind f---- he pulls on me !

[lonelyandtired]

Yes Lonely, I am 41 and feel 61 sometimes. My H and I are both drained mentally and phsically and have been for years if you want to know the truth.

 

It seeme the harder we try to make it right the more it feels WRONG, that is what I did not get for a long time.

 

Although I have given him a way out SO many times, as miserable as he seems to be or is, he does not want to leave.....keeps saying I need to be patient and give him time to rebuild what was destroyed. Now, to me if you are able to actually tell your spouse that, then you should atleast act as if you mean it......his words and actions are not the same, that is what is draining me now ! I cannot do this!! When I told him I could not wait forever, (you are going to love this, it sounds like you) he said, WHY NOT I waited for you for all these years, you are selfish, now who really loves who......wow ! What a mind f---- he pulls on me !

 

 

See, If I had say, 12 grand sitting around to give to my wife to pay to keep the house for the next year, I'd do that and leave. But I don't want to leave and have to sell this great house. i know if she wanted to leave me with the house, I'd rent out the spare rooms and keep the place until I could afford it on my own down the line. But I'm going to try and kick her out...and I think she needs the house more than me.

 

Otherwise I'd be out already.

 

I also doubt I'm thinking as reasonably as I think I am, so it's natural to doubt myself in making a HUGE decision like this that effects not only the lives of my wife and myself, but also our family and friends.

 

But I'm not unreasonably clinging to my wife. If I get home tonight and she says we're done, I'll go along with it (and this may happen as I've not been able to reach her on the phone or online all day long, which is odd).

[wishful]

well, i hope today went steadier.

 

my husband's weekly meeting is moved to tonight because mon was new year's eve. so i only see him a couple of hours today. i get spoiled when he spends whole days and nights here, so the adjustment after the holidays is easier and harder.

 

i'm just really crossing my fingers for you that the regular routine will begin to help. and i am so glad you are beginning to do a little artwork. maybe trying to begin all the things you feel you've been held back from might help. when i get down missing my husband, i try to get out of his head, and have started making lists of things i would like to start working on. then putting my worry energy into figuring out how to move forward with those plans. increasing your general friendship circle, the therapy, the art stuff, all sounds great.

 

i wish you all the best. try to be kind and patient with yourself. and fill your days with as many hopeful moments as possible. i really hope the counselor helps.

[velouria]

I don't think I'm "playing" anything. I'm not a victim, I'm as much to blame for my situation as my wife. And it's less a case of saying I want to work on my marriage but truly not wanting to, and more a case of NOT WANTING to, but WANTING to WANT to do it. I feel like I should want to fix things, but I don't anymore.

 

I'm not sure of the magic of counseling personally. I grew up in a bad, broken home with broken people. Everyone went through counseling at one time of another. Nothing ever really got fixed...they're all still a bunch of screw ups.

 

That being said, i want to go down the counseling path anyway. If only to have someone to talk with my problems about safely.

 

I've been thinking the last few days that I'd like to go to counseling by myself for a bit. I guess it'd have to be someone different from who we'd end up seeing together. It wouldn't be fair to have prior access to someone and poison the well.

 

But I think I need to have someone help me get in the right place first, before I can worry about anything else.

 

There are many, many aspects of this relationship that I haven't mentioned here that are just...messed up.

 

For instance, my wife had been married to my abusive older brother for about 3 months at one point. We never met for more than a few minutes at a time before they split. But afterwards, my mother tried to help her some by talking to her and such, and that's when we became friends. She had lost all of her friends because of that marriage, and moved away from the city she lived in, gave up a good job, and lost every cent she had (she was 23 at the time). So I let her hang out with me and my friends so she wasn't alone (I was 17 at the time...she repayed by buying us out booze...how sweet, no?).

 

My brother abused me horribly as a child, physically and mentally (parents weren't around, divorced and pre-occupied....nothing harsh was ever done to my brother as they considered him "troubled". Whereas I was just a wad of unwanted sperm that accidentally got through an IUD). As he got older, he did the same to all of his girlfriends, including my future wife. Beat some of them just terribly.

 

He had knocked up a girl with some serious mental issues at one point. He hadn't seen future wife in some time, and was some how able to cozy back up to her quickly and convince her to get married, also quickly. This was all to avoid taking responsibility for his illegitimate kid (soon to be kids). She said it was ok for a couple weeks, then the abuse started again. He ended up splitting to be with the crazy girl.

 

Both being abused so badly by the same person, we bonded and after being friends for a long time, one thing lead to another. When I went away to college in 92, she moved in with me. We didn't marry for over 7 years, but it was a committed relationship, shared bank accounts, etc...we were as far as we were concerned, married.

 

All very weird and stupid, I know. BUt I was a dumb, messed up kid. She was the adult but equally messed up. And it just felt right, so we stayed togther.

 

And by the time I really realized how messed up it truly was, I thought "i made this bed, I better lay in it." I know now, we shouldn't have ever been tother. It's just some terrible co-dependant abuse survivor mess.

 

I also realize that I'll never find anyone else to accept me if I leave her. Who would stay with me when they heard the truth?

 

And all this didn't use to matter when I was blinded by love, but now, it's all so clear and the regret feels like it's choking me.

 

 

Depression will really destroy every interesting or passionate feeling you have. My X, now something or other (not sure what he is) told me the other night that right now he feels nothing. I said that it was better than feeling like ****, like I do. And he said no because at least if you feel like **** you feel alive.

 

I sense the same kind of dispassionate frustration in you. I don't think you're shirking your responsibility to your wife. You haven't just walked out even though in a way, you might as well. You osund like your mind is made up, like you have a real case built against her and your marriage.

 

Sometimes people make up their minds about a situation and fail to revist history and examine whether or not their asssesment of the situation is correct. You may be hinging a whole lot of beliefs about your wife on an error. It might help you to look back at some of those specific love murdering moments and see if you can understand her perspective.

 

Maybe you think this sounds ridiculous but if you're interested in staying together, you might revist some of your conceptions about her. A good atidepressant would help you get the energy to do this. It sounds like you and your wife have been through so much together. and it sounds like you are reluctant to just throw that away.

 

if you don't want to go to marital counseling (which if you want to leave your marriage you really just, owe it to yourself and her) then read books. There's a guy named John Gottman who has marriage discourse down to a science. He said that his institute has come up with a formula based on facial expressions that is a remarkable indicator of divorce. I of course can;t remember it but I do know that disgust is a huge factor. One of the 4 horsemen of the apocolypse, as he call them.

 

I wonder if I could have absorbed more of what he was saying if I could have prevented my marriage falling apart like it has.

 

finally, your past is your past. Marrying your as**ole brothers ex wife doesn't make you untouchable. Compulsive gambing, maybe-- but not less than perfect motivations for loving someone when you were in your 20's. Would you walk away from someone who was otherwise really cool if you found that out about them?

 

Things are really going to be ok, L&T. No matter what happens. With or without your wife, life will go on. I wish you the best of luck.

[lonelyandtired]

Wife called me at the gym tonight...saw the name of the therapist i'm going to and accused me of cheating. I talked her a long time from the gym and told her how i feel. Then i came home and we talked some more. I think we're done.

[wishful]

my thoughts are with you. the whole thing sounds incredibly painful for both of you. i hope the therapist is able to help.

 

take care of yourself, and be kind to yourself. and that goes for everyone on the forum as well.

[cj1988]

Lonely are you OK and how did it go? I TRULY hope you both make it through this and do what is best for BOTH. We are here for you !

[lonelyandtired]

Well, things have been going like this lately:

 

She refuses to give me the space I asked for, and is on top of me constantly. I understand why she's doing this, I've been there, so i go along with it. But, I'm very emotionally detached, so I have trouble doing anything more than taking nicely to her and spending time with her.

 

I still cook her dinner, make sure she has everything she needs, ask if she needs me to pick up things when I'm out, heck, keep up with the house & yard, I even called her yesterday to remind her she has a dentist appt coming up.

 

But I'm still distant, and I can't help that right now.

 

So yesterday, she was distant all day, too. I even had a hard time getting her on the phone, and she was not on her instant messenger like usual. But I figured she was trying to give me some of my own medicine, so I was ok with that.

 

So I when she got home yesterday, I offered to watch a movie with her, so we did. Around 8pm, after the movie, I went to the gym, as I have been doing for awhile. I do my workout routine, and when I get to the locker room afterwards, I hear my phone ringing in my bag.

 

Screen says 34 new calls received. Crap.

 

So I call her, and it turns out she found an email where I sent myself the name and number of my new therapist, who is female. She accuses me of cheating, and then proceeds to go through my credit card statements on the phone questioning every item. I tell her who the woman is, and account for all the money I've spent. But she's so worked up, it doesn't seem to matter (historically she gets mad instead of embarrassed when wrong).

 

So I take the opportunity to lay oit all out very clearly. I calmly tell her everything I feel and don't feel, and discuss divorce, counseling, everything. She keeps trying to argue and blame me for this or that, but I wouldn't have it, and I didn't criticize her either. I told her how wonderful she is and that we're neither of us bad people, we're just not working well together now.

 

I did all of this, mind you, in the middle of a crowded men's locker room, sitting there soaked in sweat, with all of them Then listening, for an hour.

 

Then when she had calmed down some, I told her I'd shower and come home and we could talk some more.

 

We mainly discussed what we could do about the house, whether we'd sell it, rent it, one of us would keep it, or if she could have her elderly parents move in and help out. We talked some more about splitting up and she started blaming again, and I told her again, no, no finger pointing or cruelty. She did say she hated me and couldn't be around me. That it wasn't fair for me to take time to heal while she just sat around (although, I did this for years, so it seems hypocritical).

 

She said I can stay in the guest room, (but we'd act as if separated) but said she may want me to leave or she may want to leave herself. She went to bed crying. I couldn't take it, so I called my friend and met him at a diner and ate pancakes and bacon til midnight, and talked. He's divorced, as is his roommate, so they both had helpful perspectives.

 

When I got home, near 1am, her car was gone, and she had left a long rambling note that I couldn't follow. But it was mainly that I was all she had, etc etc. Then she wrote something about leaving work that I couldn't read. I called and called, worried where she was.

 

She finally answered and was at work. Apparently what she wrote was that she was taking the next 2 days off work and she went in to clean up her desk for whoever subs for her.

 

My back had gone out due to the stress so I had to take a muscle relaxer and go to bed, but she got home not long after.

 

I woke up over an hour late since I was drugged and had to hurry to get ready for work. She again began being overbearing and pushy as she had been. Before I left I had to yell at her and tell her to respect my space, that she needed some one-on-one counseling, too before we went in together, and that she needed to leave me be because she's pushing me further away. Then I apologized for yelling and left for work.

 

I had a few hours last night where I thought we can work it out, but now I'm back to thinking we are done.

[cj1988]

Lonely, I am so sorry. I hope you do not mind, but I can tell you what she is felling and doing, I was there. She is so hurt and scared right now, her whole life just fell to pieces. I know you feel her pain. She is trying to hold on anyway she can and that is why your space has been invaded so to speak. Put yourself in her shoes, sounds like you have been there. She is in denial and terrified and most all feels rejected that is the worst.

 

I did the same thing my H and that is what drove him away even further every day. I did not give him time to think and take it all in or even enjoy me. Hem like you was seeing a totally new woman that he was not use to, a giving woman. He resentend me for that and still does after all the hurt I put him through for years. He did not talk to me for 5 months, I kept on trying....the more I did the more he was upset. He use to sit in his truck for hours, just sitting there in the drive way. He said, he tried to drink me away, anything to get over me and move on, but in the end could not leave. Even looked at houses with a friend to move out.

 

That was 8 months ago and we are still no bette than we were then. I do believe we are through, he does not and keeps telling me to give it time, BUT is emotionally detached from me. I believe he wants to fall in love again, but cannot due to the problems we have are still there. He is very critical and harsh with his words now. I cannot do or day anthing right, we fight all the time, again last night. He does not want to touch me, kiss and or make love and right now I do not either. So, I do see both sides and it is horrible for both. Now, I realize atleast you have the guts to get out my H does not, so I have to be the bad guy and take the first move !

 

So, be prepared for a roller coaster of emotions right now. Just stay civil and do what is right for you. I was hoping you could work it out, I know you still love her, but sometimes it does not work out. I know that now. If my H could be more civil and realize it is NOT going to work, then we could end this quietly....he is not going to let that happen.

 

Hang in there and cry with her and just take the blame as I am for all of it if that is what she wants or needs to leave you....one day you will talk and laugh about it all and know you did the right thing.......

[StillSame]

Two things caught my attention:

 

 

When I got home, near 1am, her car was gone, and she had left a long rambling note that I couldn't follow. But it was mainly that I was all she had, etc etc. Then she wrote something about leaving work that I couldn't read. I called and called, worried where she was.

 

You obviously still care about each other alot.

 

 

I had a few hours last night where I thought we can work it out, but now I'm back to thinking we are done.

 

Instead of ending it all for good, ever consider seperation for a while to see if you miss each other and willing to work it out?

[lonelyandtired]

Two things caught my attention:

You obviously still care about each other alot.

 

Of course. How could you be around someone for 17 years and not care about their welfare. Even if I hated her, I wouldn't want her wandering around downtown in the middle of the night (which is what she was doiing last night at 1am, when she went into her work). It's very dangerous down there.

 

I may not love her but I care for her welfare or I'd have up and left her to her own devices.

 

Instead of ending it all for good, ever consider seperation for a while to see if you miss each other and willing to work it out?

 

That's where we are headed I think, but with her personality, I think that'd be it. Once I'm out or she's out it'd be done in her eyes.

 

And we don't have a lot of money, so a separation is going to financially hard, unless it's an unofficial one under the same roof, which really isn't the same thing at all.

[Kasan]

You see, this is where I get confused LT. You list all the kind things that you did for her and are still doing, and some of the things you are doing are the same things that my husband (who I know loves me) does for me. Your actions strike me as a guy who loves his wife.

 

Is there a chance that you are just so hurt, disillusioned, and resentful that you feel that your marriage is over?

[lonelyandtired]

You see, this is where I get confused LT. You list all the kind things that you did for her and are still doing, and some of the things you are doing are the same things that my husband (who I know loves me) does for me. Your actions strike me as a guy who loves his wife.

 

Is there a chance that you are just so hurt, disillusioned, and resentful that you feel that your marriage is over?

 

Well, I mean, do es everyone else not have any compassion for people they aren't married to? I wouldn't want anyone to be in danger or hurting. Certainly, I'm going to care more for a friend or family member than a stranger, but I'd still care.

 

I've known my wife for nearly 20 years...even though I don't feel the same way about her, it hurts me to see her hurt and I worry about her wellbeing. Am I supposed to just not care? I don't understand....that's just not how I think.

 

But again, I've already said I'm a doormat.

[Kasan]

This is why I am confused--you come here and say how ticked you are at your life with her, and then you do wonderful things for her.

 

You sound a little passive aggressive to me, but I could be wrong. Wouldn't be the first time.

 

I could see where she could be getting mixed signals from your actions.

[lonelyandtired]

This is why I am confused--you come here and say how ticked you are at your life with her, and then you do wonderful things for her.

 

You sound a little passive aggressive to me, but I could be wrong. Wouldn't be the first time.

 

I could see where she could be getting mixed signals from your actions.

 

I don't know what I've done that is so wonderful.

 

I've tried to distance myself, too. She says I've done nothing but hurt her lately. She also lays all of our current and past problems, be they emotional or financial or anything else, squarely at my feet.

 

Are you saying I should be meaner? Treat her worse somehow? I not sure what to do there.

 

I want to start my life over and I want her to find happiness and be safe.

[Kasan]

No of course not, you shouldn't be meaner, but I know that if my husband was going to leave me, he wouldn't sit in a crowded sweaty locker room with a bunch of men and talk to me on the phone for an hour. Nor would he watch movies with me and tell me how wonderful I was.

 

See what I mean?

[lonelyandtired]

No of course not, you shouldn't be meaner, but I know that if my husband was going to leave me, he wouldn't sit in a crowded sweaty locker room with a bunch of men and talk to me on the phone for an hour. Nor would he watch movies with me and tell me how wonderful I was.

 

See what I mean?

 

I'm weird. What can I say.

[cj1988]

No, you would act more like mine and say and do nothing with you and make you feel like pure crap all the time, then you could be a f---- jerk LOL ! Be nice but honest with her !

[Kasan]

I'm weird. What can I say.

 

Okay, you made me laugh! Do you see where your actions could be misconstrued?

 

I wish that you could go someplace for a couple of days and let the dust settle, no relationship talk, and see how you felt.

 

You are up one day and down the next, I really think that there is more feeling left for her than you think.

[lonelyandtired]

Okay, you made me laugh! Do you see where your actions could be misconstrued?

 

I wish that you could go someplace for a couple of days and let the dust settle, no relationship talk, and see how you felt.

 

You are up one day and down the next, I really think that there is more feeling left for her than you think.

 

I'm a bleeding heart liberal. I don't like to see people in pain and I'm overly compassionate. Common vernacular is a P***y.

 

I truly do not love her like a husband loves a wife. It's more of a concern for someone I've known a long time. I've always worried about her safety. Maybe a feeling of obligation for our years together.

 

But I walk my female co-workers to the parking lot if it's late and dark outside. I give friends money. I just like to be helpful....it makes me feel better.

 

And my point in saying that is that, yes, I'm trying to be nice to her, but it's not really any different than how I treat most people. That says something. Also, I kind of don't WANT to be nice to her now, it's a struggle to do so, but I do because I feel it's the right thing to do. That says even more.

 

She doesn't see my actions as trying to do the right thing. She said I'm selfish and evil last night. So I don't think she could misconstrue much.

[Kasan]

I going to make another comment here before I leave and I wanted to tell you that I understand just how hard marriage can be.

 

I have been married for a very long time, and there were times in my marriage that watching my husband breathe p*ssed me off. I guarantee that the feeling from him was mutual. There were times that we were just awful to each other, and it's not something that I am proud of.

 

What I am trying to say, is that all marriages go through really, really hard times, where one of us loves the other more, and yes, sometimes less. Why we fought so hard to keep our marriage is beyond me, but I do know that my measure for leaving my marriage was whether or not the bad times outweighed the good. It would have been very easy for us to leave, as we married when we were 19 and 20.

 

I believe in marriage, and I believe in love, and I think that sometimes we give up to easily, and I am not saying this is the case with you, but what I have been trying to say, all along in your thread, is, if there is a glimmer what could it hurt?

 

You already have 16 years invested in this.

[Kasan]

Sorry, I was typing when you posted. I don't consider you a p***y at all, but rather endearing.

 

Good luck to you.