Fell out of love with my wife...heartbroken

[bestadvisor]

I appreciate it...but maybe it's too little, too late. But that's just how I feel today. I hope I soften on that feeling.

 

You had an emotional affair/crush with your co-worker and that played a big role in the way you feel today.

[lonelyandtired]

Partially true.

 

But I don't think I was feeling that way until after this last blow out with my wife. So I think you have the chicken and egg mixed up in thie instance. In any case, that's out of my mind and she's out of my personal life.

 

My feelings/lack of feelings for my wife are wholly seperate.

 

If I had felt anything for my co-worker before, then I'd agree with you completely.

[bestadvisor]

Partially true.

 

But I don't think I was feeling that way until after this last blow out with my wife. So I think you have the chicken and egg mixed up in thie instance. In any case, that's out of my mind and she's out of my personal life.

 

My feelings/lack of feelings for my wife are wholly seperate.

 

If I had felt anything for my co-worker before, then I'd agree with you completely.

 

As much as you like to deny it, your current unwillingness to work with your wife on your marriage despite her effort is largely because of the affair/crush. I think your mind and heart will be more open if the co-worker never existed.

[whichwayisup]

I had felt anything for my co-worker before, then I'd agree with you completely

Honestly, how would you feel if you and the co-worker ended the friendship? Because you seem slightly indenial in the sense of what you feel for the co-worker - THAT is clouding your feelings for your wife.

 

Definately talk to your wife about marriage counselling. You both need to give it a try, don't say it won't work - You don't know that. This could be a good start and counselling will help you dig down deep and see if those feelings are still there or if they're gone forever.

 

You can't live in limbo like this, it's not fair to you or your wife.

[81West]

I think we can all feel the pain and emotional exhaustion in your posts. I'm really sorry this is your world right now.

 

This is a small point, but I just read an article that talked about how there is a big spike in first inquries to law offices about separation and divorce around the holidays. It's a time that really exaggerates the gulf that is already there. I mention that only to perhaps offer you a little relief that you're not alone, and that even a short few weeks might make things look different enough than they do right now to present a clearer path one way or the other.

 

Also, you should elminate the possiblity that you are in some level of clinical depression. Nobody should make life altering decisions when they are clinically depressed.

 

Again, I'm sorry.

[lonelyandtired]

As much as you like to deny it, your current unwillingness to work with your wife on your marriage despite her effort is largely because of the affair/crush. I think your mind and heart will be more open if the co-worker never existed.

 

I doubt it. I thought about ending things earlier this year before we had bought a home. And thats was months before I knew my friend "existed" and back when I truly felt like I loved my wife still. But we were still so unhappy then, I thought that love or no, mabye we should go our seperate ways.

 

But I re-committed myself to the marriage and decided the pain would be worth the payoff. I hoped a true home for us would make her happier in life.

 

I think it's conveinient that my friend was there. She literally kept me from killing myself one day, and I think that put her in a new light for me. But I've still cut her light out of my life so I can focus on where I am in my life & marriage. I don't even know if I even truly had a "crush" on her. But I am very grateful to her for her help.

 

But my marriage was falling apart years before this. It's just taken me this long to gain the strength to walk away rather than keep getting kicked in the face over and over.

 

My wife is scared I'm going to leave, withgood reason that she knows all too well. I'm begining to realize that her new attitude is actually a bit manipulative...she could've fought for our relationship for years like I was. She's desperate all of a sudden, and I'm sorry....but she's just experiencing what I went through for years. Having suffered through that, I don't even wish it on her, but I'm not capable of doing otherwise at the moment.

 

And yes, after years of fighting...after years of her destroying my self-esteem...after years of not getting love that I freely gave returned in any fashion...yes, I've become unwilling to fight anymore. But it's easier I guess to point to finger and put all the blame on me and my "unwillingness."

 

I'm still here however...I'm fighting every screaming instinct that says to pack up and go. Because I'm not a quitter. I'm giving it time. If I was unwilling to work with my wife on our marriage "despite her effort," I'd be gone already. That I'm here asking for advice & support and taking the time to write these incredibly-way-too-long journals of my pain I think shows that I'm not unwilling...at least not in my mind. It's the heart that's still not ready. When I'm there, if I get there, then direct couples counseling. But for now, it's all I can do to just get my clohes on and go to work in the morning.

 

I feel like I'm mourning a dead relative.

[lonelyandtired]

Honestly, how would you feel if you and the co-worker ended the friendship? Because you seem slightly indenial in the sense of what you feel for the co-worker - THAT is clouding your feelings for your wife.

 

It would make me sad. I don't have many close friends. But I'm obviously willing to do it. I have to be around her...we work together everyday. But I can compartmentalize her.

 

When I visualize my possible life without my spouse, I don't see myself with my friend. I see myself alone, and rebuilding and bettering myself. If I was hung up on her, I think my "fantasy" would be different.

 

I've not had any sexual thoughts of this person. And i can't imagine a future with her. I'm beginning to think I overreacted and overstated my feelings for her. I'm regretting that now. It's overshadowing my real problems that I'm trying to discuss and get advice for here. I think I was just very grateful to her. But I'm spending more time here thinking and talking about her than I have at any other point in the last few days.

 

Definately talk to your wife about marriage counselling. You both need to give it a try, don't say it won't work - You don't know that. This could be a good start and counselling will help you dig down deep and see if those feelings are still there or if they're gone forever.

 

You can't live in limbo like this, it's not fair to you or your wife.

 

I'm not saying it won't work, I'm saying I'm not emotionally ready. Hopefully in a week or two things will feel different.

[whichwayisup]

Well it sounds like you have things in check and hopefully with some time on your side and holidays around the corner, you and your wife can re-connect again. Enjoy your family, friends in the next few weeks and then once the holidays are over, then it's time to re-focus and talk to your wife. Hopefully you'll be ready then.

[lonelyandtired]

I think we can all feel the pain and emotional exhaustion in your posts. I'm really sorry this is your world right now.

 

This is a small point, but I just read an article that talked about how there is a big spike in first inquries to law offices about separation and divorce around the holidays. It's a time that really exaggerates the gulf that is already there. I mention that only to perhaps offer you a little relief that you're not alone, and that even a short few weeks might make things look different enough than they do right now to present a clearer path one way or the other.

 

Also, you should elminate the possiblity that you are in some level of clinical depression. Nobody should make life altering decisions when they are clinically depressed.

 

Again, I'm sorry.

 

Exhausted and now cranky. =)

 

Yeah, I've heard someething similar before. that's another reason I want to give it some time and power through the holidays. I don't want to be rash.

 

I am seriously depressed now, clearly. As soon as I get a distraction likfe friend to talk to or work to do, I feel better instantly. Which is the only reason I haven't gone in he get checked (and I have done this before...case in point, I have found Paxil doesn't make me happy. It does, however give me lockjaw).

 

Thank you and everybody else who's been talking with me. It does help to know there's other people out there with experience and helpful advice.

 

And sorry if I do sound cranky when I vent....not in the best of moods all the time now, naturally.

[Hush]

I am in a relationship with a man who suffers from schizophrenia. I generally go to the schizophrenia.com website to gain insight and support for my relationship. I love my SO dearly but the mental illness can really take it's toll on our ability to communicate effectively at times, and this would be a lot more damaging if we didn't have the help of a therapist. I'll tell you right now it can be hard at times. Sometimes I come to sites like these because I don't want or feel it right to blame every little issue we have as a couple on schizophrenia. I like to learn about marriage from a mainstream married person's perspective as well (as my relationship is not typical). If you read the posts in the husbands and wives section on schizophrenia.com I'm willing to bet you might feel a little better about hope in your own situation.

 

Anway, I'm here now, and I have read every post concerning your issue. I feel for you. I wish you the strength to get through this. I know that you are exhausted and you feel as though you can't take it anymore. It seems from your description that you have tried everything in your own personal power to please your wife and to "make her happy". No matter what you do...she's still unhappy...unless of course she feels as though everything is about to fall apart in your marriage...only then does she really put in the effort to show you affection. I know it feels like it's too little, too late but I believe this means she really cares about you. If she didn't love you she wouldn't bother trying, and she certainly wouldn't be up in the middle of the night crying about it. Then to go as far as blaming her tears on a headache...it's like she didn't even want to talk about it because it hurts too much and she just doesn't know what to say.

 

The problem is not necessarily you or what you are doing wrong. The problem is not that you have magically, all of a sudden, fallen out of love. You are just tired of giving and not receiving the appreciation that you deserve. You and your wife have communication issues. You also said yourself that you only have 2 friends...one of which it's best to stay professional with, and one of which can only see your relationship at surface value, hearing only your point of view . What about your wife? Does she have friends? If you aren't communicating with each other effectively and neither of you have a real close friend to speak with as an outlet, then your both pretty much groping on thin air when it comes to advice and support. Even if you had friends and family to help your issues have obviously reached beyond any advice they can give you. I don't believe anyone, (including myself) can offer you any real definitive answers or advice. We can only give you a hypothesis. Otherwise, it all comes down to the deeper you, and the opinion of a professional mediator to aid in some seriously important/sensitive conversations with your wife .

 

You two have spent 16 intimate and personal years together. If that means something to you I believe you should think (head and heart) about trying couples counseling before you call it quits. If you simply end it you'll always ask...what if? There will be so many loose ends and unanswered questions it will be much too painful.

 

I think you have spent too much time trying to survive this marriage all by yourselves. It would be very strong and wise if you would consider going into counseling. It doesn't mean that you are failures if you have to resort to therapy, it just means that her personal issues and your personal issues combined are bigger than you guys can handle on your own. It sounds as though your wife especially,(considering the fact that you have to pretty much throw a three ring circus to get her to crack a smile) may have some deeper issues that possibly have nothing to do with you. Maybe she has issues that are disabling her from being as intimate with you as she would most likely, ideally like to be. Maybe she doesn't have deep seeded issues, who knows? Maybe you guys have simply gone so long without professional help when you needed it that everything has piled so high it's become too overwhelming to even try to clean it up by yourselves. Pile depression on top and you're either trying to sleep it away, or you're plucking hairs in the bathroom just trying to avoid an awkward glance or conversation.

 

I don't think that the people in this forum have stressed the possibility of mental illness and depression enough. You have spent 16 years in this marriage right? It's impressive also that this is not a "for the sake of the children" story. It's the love you have for each other that has kept you together. You are just downright exhausted with seeing little to zero results in your efforts to "make her happy". First of all, it's not your job to make her happy. If she's not happy with herself she can't be happy with anyone. The same goes for you and everyone else on the planet. You're obviously not happy with yourself at the moment. Stop being so hard on yourself!

 

It seems as though you genuinely care deeply about this whole issue, simply based on the fact that you have spent so much time on this site writing detailed descriptions about it. You did try talking to a friend about your problems but that is not enough. It's especially not enough when advice is coming from a sympathetic and warm female friend. I would understand if this friend had been a mutual female friend or a friend you had from when you were younger...but this woman was someone from work who offered pretty much everything your lacking and obviously need right now at home (besides the sex of course). Which believe me I sympathize with you on that, but that kind of advice won't help, it's just some cookies and warm milk really.

 

I know it may feel like it's too late right now but try to seriously think about what it was like in the early years of your relationship together. What it was like the last time you shared one of those really good belly laughs together. I'm sure you have done it already many times to remind yourself why you stay. Don't give up on a 16 year marriage when you haven't exhausted all your avenues. I'm sure you'll find that love again, and if you don't find your way back to each other, if you find that your issues are unresolvable, at least you will have a professional psychotherapist's opinion to guide you, as well as some healthy closure with each other. I wish you luck and strength in making your decision. I hope you have a happy holiday.

 

 

 

P.S. Did she just recently turn 40? You said she was 24 when you were 17...that means she has just entered/is entering her 40's (a milestone) while you're still down there at what 33? Not that 40 is old, but maybe she feels like it is....it could be a lot of things piling up. There is a lot of pressure these days when it comes to those issues. That's just one thing to ponder...maybe she thinks your going to run of with some mid 20's vixen and it's depressing the hell out of her lol

[lonelyandtired]

P.S. Did she just recently turn 40? You said she was 24 when you were 17...that means she has just entered/is entering her 40's (a milestone) while you're still down there at what 33? Not that 40 is old, but maybe she feels like it is....it could be a lot of things piling up. There is a lot of pressure these days when it comes to those issues. That's just one thing to ponder...maybe she thinks your going to run of with some mid 20's vixen and it's depressing the hell out of her lol

 

Other than being overweight, she looks awesome for 40. She's into youthful things and wears youthful clothes (it's been hard at times to pull her away from playing videos games...she sure loves to kill zombies). So I don't she can honestly be too worried about getting old.

 

And as far as other woman, I have had 3 women in our 16 years together that decided that they wanted to approach me even though I was in a relationship already. 2 in college, one later on....the one later on was even stalking me for a bit. And in each case, I rebuffed them and told my wife every single detail. I tell her everything.

 

She knows my friend at work (we all went to a concert together recently) and she's not really given me any grief for having her as a friend. Because she has 3 other instances where she saw I'd go the extra mile to avoid cheating, but I also tell her every detail. I could fall deeply in love with another, and I'd not leave my wife for them...if I leave my wife, it'll be becase I need to leave my wife. Period.

[jmargel]

Looking at the big picture, you have two options:

 

1) Continue to play the victim, bathing in the resentment and not working on the marriage (though you say you want to)

 

2) Pick yourself up, find a good marriage counselor and get through this hurt

 

It doesn't matter if you stay with her or leave her, you will still have this hurt. Leaving her doesn't mean you leave the hurt behind. Leaving her means that you no longer trust her or love her enough to continue the marriage. This is not to be confused with the hurt/resentment you have for her on what has happened over the years.

 

You both need to take responsibility for your actions. Her for what she done to you in terms of verbal/emotional abuse and you for not stepping up like this earlier. That being said, you can't move on with a future with your wife until you have dealt, found closure and closed the chapters that have caused you pain.

 

Communication between you two is still lacking, very very bad. Unless you rebuild this communication, nothing else will get fixed. The only way you can fix this, is to see a counselor. This isn't to 'get you back together' but it's used to allow you two to look at this problem at a different angle, an angle that will allow you to better understand where each of you are coming from and to communicate better with each other.

 

You can't be in love with someone that you resent. It doesn't work that way, and you were starting an emotional affair with this other woman. It's very easy to leave someone that you are emotionally drained with to someone that makes it look like there is no work to having a great, loving relationship. However if you were to go with this other woman, good chance years down the road you will be having your own issues with her.

 

It's ok to not know what you want, but IMO you need to take steps on finding resolution. Counseling will do that for you.

[lonelyandtired]

Looking at the big picture, you have two options:

 

1) Continue to play the victim, bathing in the resentment and not working on the marriage (though you say you want to)

 

2) Pick yourself up, find a good marriage counselor and get through this hurt

 

I don't think I'm "playing" anything. I'm not a victim, I'm as much to blame for my situation as my wife. And it's less a case of saying I want to work on my marriage but truly not wanting to, and more a case of NOT WANTING to, but WANTING to WANT to do it. I feel like I should want to fix things, but I don't anymore.

 

I'm not sure of the magic of counseling personally. I grew up in a bad, broken home with broken people. Everyone went through counseling at one time of another. Nothing ever really got fixed...they're all still a bunch of screw ups.

 

That being said, i want to go down the counseling path anyway. If only to have someone to talk with my problems about safely.

 

I've been thinking the last few days that I'd like to go to counseling by myself for a bit. I guess it'd have to be someone different from who we'd end up seeing together. It wouldn't be fair to have prior access to someone and poison the well.

 

But I think I need to have someone help me get in the right place first, before I can worry about anything else.

 

There are many, many aspects of this relationship that I haven't mentioned here that are just...messed up.

 

For instance, my wife had been married to my abusive older brother for about 3 months at one point. We never met for more than a few minutes at a time before they split. But afterwards, my mother tried to help her some by talking to her and such, and that's when we became friends. She had lost all of her friends because of that marriage, and moved away from the city she lived in, gave up a good job, and lost every cent she had (she was 23 at the time). So I let her hang out with me and my friends so she wasn't alone (I was 17 at the time...she repayed by buying us out booze...how sweet, no?).

 

My brother abused me horribly as a child, physically and mentally (parents weren't around, divorced and pre-occupied....nothing harsh was ever done to my brother as they considered him "troubled". Whereas I was just a wad of unwanted sperm that accidentally got through an IUD). As he got older, he did the same to all of his girlfriends, including my future wife. Beat some of them just terribly.

 

He had knocked up a girl with some serious mental issues at one point. He hadn't seen future wife in some time, and was some how able to cozy back up to her quickly and convince her to get married, also quickly. This was all to avoid taking responsibility for his illegitimate kid (soon to be kids). She said it was ok for a couple weeks, then the abuse started again. He ended up splitting to be with the crazy girl.

 

Both being abused so badly by the same person, we bonded and after being friends for a long time, one thing lead to another. When I went away to college in 92, she moved in with me. We didn't marry for over 7 years, but it was a committed relationship, shared bank accounts, etc...we were as far as we were concerned, married.

 

All very weird and stupid, I know. BUt I was a dumb, messed up kid. She was the adult but equally messed up. And it just felt right, so we stayed togther.

 

And by the time I really realized how messed up it truly was, I thought "i made this bed, I better lay in it." I know now, we shouldn't have ever been tother. It's just some terrible co-dependant abuse survivor mess.

 

I also realize that I'll never find anyone else to accept me if I leave her. Who would stay with me when they heard the truth?

 

And all this didn't use to matter when I was blinded by love, but now, it's all so clear and the regret feels like it's choking me.

Edited December 23, 2007 by lonelyandtired

[bestadvisor]

 

And all this didn't use to matter when I was blinded by love, but now, it's all so clear and the regret feels like it's choking me.

 

 

What are you regretting? Didn't you and her love each other at one point? Are you regretting it because she was your brother's wife at one point or do you just don't/didn't love her? That was so long ago, you can still grow to love each other if you try.

[lonelyandtired]

What are you regretting?* Didn't you and her love each other at one point?* Are you regretting it because she was your brother's wife at one point or do you just don't/didn't love her?* That was so long ago, you can still grow to love each other if you try.

 

I don't even know. I was in a really weird place the other day and just venting. I think I really did have a few hours there where I was regretting ever getting involved with her years ago. Guess that's something i have to deal with, cause that's gotta still be in there somewhere. Not feeling that way today though.

 

We were doing better Xmas Eve, during the day. Our car broke down the day before, so we had to get up early to rent one to go visit family. We did that, ran to some stores and a few other things and seemed to be getting along well.

 

Then, we got back home and she hopped in the shower. Which was my opportunity to wrap the Wii & accessories I bought her for xmas. I wrapped then super fast and had to tag them even faster as she was getting out of the shower. Then I went to take my shower.

 

When I got out, she had gone from good spirits to upset. Saying we needed to stay at seperate houses for xmas so we could tell our families we were breaking up, etc, etc. I had no idea what set her off...it was a complete 180 from 5 minutes before.

 

Turns out, on the present tags I wrote as quick as possible, I wrote "to" her instead of "love". So that was a long 40 minute fight that I had to be the big man and defuse before we left. It was a simple mistake, but a big one in her eyes I guess.

 

I managed to patch things up before we left and it's not been to bad since coming down to visit. She's being even more cloying and clingy though, and in front of family, and it's making me feel both guilty and queasy. Thank god for eggnog & rum....that's helped.

 

I still feel like I need space and some time, but she's just on me constantly. But again, I do appreciate the effort, which was so lacking before. I'm just not entirely comfortable with it yet.

[lonelyandtired]

Question: How do i go aout finding a therapist or counselor? I don't even know where to begn....I'm not part of a church, and don't have a lot of income to blow. Does insurance cover this sort of thing sometimes?

[redblack66]

Question: How do i go aout finding a therapist or counselor? I don't even know where to begn....I'm not part of a church, and don't have a lot of income to blow. Does insurance cover this sort of thing sometimes?

 

Good question. I have talked to 3 counselors so far, and I am not happy with any of them. One of them was a professor with more than 30 years of experience.

 

Finding a good one seems a challenge. Self education (reading), thinking, talking to people (in particular of the opposite sex), and reading LS have helped me more than the counselors.

[lonelyandtired]

Good question. I have talked to 3 counselors so far, and I am not happy with any of them. One of them was a professor with more than 30 years of experience.

 

Finding a good one seems a challenge. Self education (reading), thinking, talking to people (in particular of the opposite sex), and reading LS have helped me more than the counselors.

 

I feel better being able to vent a bit...but it's not the same as being in the room with a real live person and being able to totally open up to them. I don't want therapy so much as a safe place to let it all out.

[cj1988]

Hello Lonely ! I have been reading your thread and it is like reading my life for the last year. My H and I are agoing through the same thing right now. He being you and me being your W. I could not believe it when I read it because you are identical and now I know what is wrong with him.

 

Sadly enough we are on the edge of D and now he does not want it. I have been wondering and asking what is wrong with him, but from I read I know now. We went through something really bad, I accused of him of having an EA last year and from that day on he has never been the same. He cried all the time for about a month after the accusation and said he was sorry it was too late etc. February 12 told me he loved me very much but was no longer in love with me. I was a basket case for months, begged, pleaded, he just drank more and more and wanted to die. I could not figure out WHY what he was doing, I now know he fell out of love with me then. We had a rocky HARD relationship for years now and alot like you and your W. He tried to make me happy, I was not. He wanted me all the time, I did not......then BANG he freaked out....we tried since I would say June to work it out, but he has not snapped back. He just gave up, but will not leave. I told him I wanted a break, he said no and if I pursue it we are over, but he has left me no other choice.

 

I try to make love to him it is different. I want it all the time, he does not now and said it was because of the past and how I treated him and now he is just there. He said I was too pushy and trying to FORCE us on him....I still thnk he is in denial that I will leave him and when I do, sorry it will kill him.

 

But, what am I suppose to do? Wait forever for him to jump back in???? I admitted over and over that I wrong and have been trying to be what he always wanted, but he is still not getting it....I know he loves me, but I still do not think he is IN LOVE with me anymore although he claims differently.

 

I just do not understand him anymore and feel it is over and he just cant do it. I told him just yesterday that we will never be the same as before and he said " You are just now figuring that out" "what did you expect after all we have been through". I said " I know, so why hang on, I am not happy and neither are you" He said " It all about how you feel and always has been".....so you see, although he knows we will not be the same or he is not willing because he is mad, resentful, hurt or what....he does not want to let me go.....I have tried to get him to counceling, he will not go. I do not know what he is waiting for....I said "If WE have not happened naturally by now we are not going to" He said " Nothing has ever been natural for us, why would it be now" I do not understand why someone would want to live like this instead of breaking away and starting again. What is he waiting for????? I do not get it !

[jmargel]

I feel better being able to vent a bit...but it's not the same as being in the room with a real live person and being able to totally open up to them. I don't want therapy so much as a safe place to let it all out.

 

I would look in the yellow pages, when you call ask them about their education and whether they are 'licensed'. You can also call your local hospital for some referrals as well.

 

Seems like both of you have not dealt with the abuse you were given and unintentionally you are taking it out on each other. Most abused people end up taking it out on their spouses, their spouses become their emotional punching bags. However in your situation, it's happening both ways.

 

Think of your whole problem as a 'weed'. You need to deal with the root of this problem, so that these 'topics' don't pop up so much. This root of the problem is the abuse you received not only from your brother but the emotional abuse/neglect you received from your parents.

 

It doesn't matter how you two met. What matters is that you two love each other. That is the starting point to all of this. That is the one thing you can build on.

 

Deal with the root of your problems, learn about communicating better with each other and you will then be on the right track to having a much better relationship and better quality of life overall. This is something that will take alot of time to work through, but it is well worth it.

[lonelyandtired]

Thanks.

 

I ended up at Psychology Today's website and looked through their reccomendations for local help where I am.

 

I've e-mailed someone and have gotten a response.

 

This is good. I didn't sleep at all last night. I lay there and all I did was think about things over and over. I came to the conclusion my marriage is truly over and I needed to get out before I end up dead or insane. I was going to talk to my wife and tell her I want a divorce today. I really truly was...but I couldn't get up the courage.

 

Knowing now I can have someone professional to talk to soon has given me the strength to hold out longer (i say this now, but I'm changing my mind on a daily basis as to what I think, feel, and what I should do...I'm all over the map and I know it).

 

Even if I end things, I think I'm gong to need counseling to get through it in one piece. I'm just glad I'm no much of a drinker and don't do any drugs harder than Advil anymore....that aveneue of escape seems so appealing right now. Glad it's not a place I'd easily go right now.

[wishful]

based on your story, i really would hope you would pursue the counseling before you made any final decisions or even inflicting any of your confusion upon your wife. give yourself and the counselor a try, and see what comes out with the wash.

 

the pattern of things is created by two people. i notice daily how hard it is to keep out of the stupid way my husband and i settle into negative situations, even when we are both trying to stop them. i don't think there is anyway i can imagine my situation improving without a knowledgeable guide, and understanding what's happened and can happen seems really key.

 

with the few situations i know of in my real life, the guys seem to run when it comes to self examination--talking about childhood issues, or whatever. and watching those, it seems so clear that so much could be accomplished if they'd stick it out. maybe not for the marriage, but at least for the future. i really hope you give the professional tract a try before decisions get made.

[lonelyandtired]

based on your story, i really would hope you would pursue the counseling before you made any final decisions or even inflicting any of your confusion upon your wife. give yourself and the counselor a try, and see what comes out with the wash.

 

the pattern of things is created by two people. i notice daily how hard it is to keep out of the stupid way my husband and i settle into negative situations, even when we are both trying to stop them. i don't think there is anyway i can imagine my situation improving without a knowledgeable guide, and understanding what's happened and can happen seems really key.

 

with the few situations i know of in my real life, the guys seem to run when it comes to self examination--talking about childhood issues, or whatever. and watching those, it seems so clear that so much could be accomplished if they'd stick it out. maybe not for the marriage, but at least for the future. i really hope you give the professional tract a try before decisions get made.

 

See, that's the thing. I'm a very, very open person. I really don't hold back as a rule. Even the embarrassing and painful stuff. I let my friends and family know pretty much everything...hell, I've even posted many things I should keep to myself on my blog for all the world to see.

 

It's actually been a problem for me with friends, because many people don't want to hear other people's intimate details, and I'll just blurt out stuff. "Hey, this horrible thing happened to me when I was 8 yrs old...let me tell you about it..."....really isn't endearing to most people.

 

So I'm not sure how much this therapy will help. I'm very introspective and self-anylizing as it is. But i'm willing to give it try...at least to have a safe place to vent.

[melodicmaybe]

You need to start painting/drawing again. You're investing in yourself physically -- working out, dieting, etc -- which is a good start. But you need to start building up the other parts of yourself as well. You said the spark is gone, and that every time you try you see you've gotten rusty. That's normal. Everyone who does that sort of thing goes through that when they've stopped for a while. But you need to start again. As an artist (and I know that word is pretentious and over used, but I'm using it for lack of a better one), is there anything more frustrating and fulfilling and completely satisfying all at the same time than taking the things you see in your head and putting them down on the page or canvas? You buried that part of yourself - sacrificed something that brought you joy - because at the time you felt like you needed to.

 

But it doesn't work that way. You can not change your behavior in order to make someone else change theirs. You can be supportive, loving, and the most caring person in the world and all it's going to be is p*ssing in the wind unless the other person wants to change. Nothing you do, no matter how much of a personal sacrifice it is or was, can fundamentally alter the way another person behaves, feels, or thinks.

 

And it hurts. It hurts to have invested so much of yourself into a relationship and have it not work out. I got married really young as well, and I thought that being a good wife meant doing everything I could to make him happy. So I gave up school and being close to my family and friends and everything I'd hoped for in my life. Because when you love someone, you sacrifice for them right? Sacrifice enough, put aside your wants, your needs, your dreams -- and they'll love you right? They'll see everything you've given up and one day the light will come on and they'll realize it -- they'll appreciate every little gesture and start sacrificing for you in return? And everything will work out because when two people really love each other nothing else matters, right?

 

But again it doesn't work that way. And that is a bitter f*cking pill to swallow. I ended up having a nervous breakdown before I was ready to leave my marriage. And you sound like you were close to having one. If you were suicidal you were right there on the edge.

 

You said that right now you feel nothing for your wife, that the love is gone. When you hurt bad enough and long enough, part of you inside shuts down. Because feeling nothing for someone is better than constantly feeling anguish. I think you're at this point right now. Shutting down your feelings for her is the only way that you've been able to gain any mental clarity about the situation. And it really is a helpful coping mechanism for the short term. But eventually you're going to have to deal with the feelings. It sounds trite, but depression really is just anger turned inwards; it's all that rage and helplessness and frustration and despair all shoved down in the pit of your stomach.

 

I think you need to give yourself some space to grieve and experience those feelings. Everyone else has suggested counseling, and I think it can be a wonderful tool to teach you how to do that. And in the meantime, is there anywhere else you can stay? I think you need some physical distance from her and the relationship as well at the emotional space you've already given yourself.

 

And like I said at the very beginning of this text wall (and sorry about the length of it ^^; ), you need to start drawing again. It's going to suck for a while. The compositions will be bad, the anatomy will be off, and your perspective will need work -- but it will get BETTER. There may be 10 'wow this sucks' drawings for every good one at first - but it will get better with every single one you do. Talents like that aren't ever really lost; they just get misplaced now and then. Just give your eyes and yours hands a chance to see the way they saw before.

 

And the reason why I'm emphasizing the drawing is this -- there's a very important person you need to get in touch with again -- YOU. You've been in this relationship so long, and you got involved so young, that you've forgotten or never completely realized who YOU were. You need to recapture the joy in your life. Figure out what the things are outside of this relationship that make you happy. Picking up your art again is just a start to that.

 

I wish you all the best, hon. ^_^

[wishful]

i really hope things work out for you.

 

one thing i've noticed is that no matter how open or intelligent we are in regular life, emotional and relationship intelligence and wisdom is just another thing. i consider my husband and i to have some strong points, but i've realized that i've never actually observed a really great relationship. i can imagine and conceptualize, but never seen it in real life. at least a professional will have had experiences of success with many kinds of people.

 

i've had various people before. luckily the one i've been seeing lately really outshines them i would look for someone who really does it for you. each week is like some brilliant new lesson to try to practice.

 

got to go. will finish thought later