Fell out of love with my wife...heartbroken

[lonelyandtired]

My wife and I have had a rocky marriage for years (no kids). I've tried very hard over the years to keep us together...even when it seems like she doesn't want to be with me anymore. I still try very hard.

 

There's is a big age difference: she's 6 and a half years older than me. We fight constantly and almost never have sex (maybe 4-5 times in the last two years...and those were times when I had to pursue it literally for weeks). She's very cruel and cold at times. I hate it...it's made me meaner, too.

 

We've had money problems for years, mostly because my career failed. Which is because I couldn't fully commit to it, for the sake of the marriage...but I was willing to make that sacrifice, I thought it was worth it in the end. And a good relationship is more important than a dream job.

 

But in recent years we've been doing better, got debt free and things looked better. Even though she was cold and we fought alot, she still wanted to buy a house. And I thought, ok, if we can find the right home, maybe she can finally be happy. And we found an amazing home, that we do both love. But the her being happy thing? That didn't work out so well.

 

We've had even bigger blow outs since we moved. And still I've tried. I'm the one who always swallows my pride and relents and tries to make things better. I'm not perfect, I argue and fight and can be an ass....but in the end I try to make it better. She doesn't.

 

When she's loving and happy, it's great....but it doesn't seem very often. And if I have a problem with someone else, she never backs me up and takes my side, she almost always sides with the other person....which always feels like the biggest betrayal. Family should have each others' backs.

 

We had another big row recently, and she said some of the most hurtful things she ever has (and she's said some doozies in the past). I was already emotionally drained from our other recent fights. And in the middle of this, I felt something snap inside....like a water balloon deflatting.

 

It was me falling out of love...I'm just heartbroken. And now I'm not fighting for our marriage. I just can't. I don't have it in me. And she realized this. She's actually been trying this week to be nicer....but it has still ended in fights each night. Bad ones. And it just feels like too little, too late...why couldn't she be nice before? I just don't feel love right now. I want to love her again, but I don't and I can't see myself being able to again.

 

And now, I kind of feel myself being drawn to someone else. Someone who has been supportive through all this. But someone who, even if I was single, I would never go out with, nor would she want to get romantic with me. But I feel close to her now....and I realize it is love...although more of a brother/sister kind of love. And that hurts more, because I feel this for a friend...even if it's just a platonic love. And it magnifies how guilty I feel for no longer having that for my wife. It's very painful and confusing on top of everything else.

 

If we hadn't bought this expensive house, and we had this fight, I'd be gone...I'm basically still here because there's no logical way to get out. Pretty much an all financial decision. I want her to be happy, and I want her to be safe, and I want her to keep the house if I have to leave (she can't afford it on her own). But I am so sad and lonely. I have pretty much no friends, and my family isn't very close. I've been totally invested in life with her, above all else. So I have no one, really...and all I want is a damn hug.

 

I don't know what to do. It kills me that I can't feel anything for her. She's been trying to be sweet the last couple days now...but it just replulses me and makes me angry.

 

I've never felt so...emotionless to my wife. If I can't recover some sort of emotional feeling for her, then I can't stay.

 

It'll be hard for me to go to counseling since I just don't feel the energy needed to fight for my marriage anymore. And to go through counseling, you need to be ready to put forth some real effort. I don't have it in me right now.

 

This other woman, I just have an emotional connection to her now (and I'm probably just transfering....probably need that feeling) but no intent of anything romantic. Even if my marriage breaks up. I just feel bad because I effortlessly love this person (although more in a brother/sister kind of way) but I can't get myself to feel even a spark for my wife now. It's making me feel really guilty.

 

It's like I'm dead to her, and if I can't get it back, I'm throwing away 16 years of working on a relationship. But maybe I shouldn't have had to work this hard for 16 years...I dunno.

 

I mean, you know how people think about winning the lottery and all the things they'd do? I bought a ticket the other day and my thought was "I could pay off our bills and the house, and then we could split up without either of us ending up broke." That was my lottery fantasy. Pathetic.

 

I'm over it now, but I've been so depressed I was genuinely considering suicide for a couple days. That's out of my system (mainly due to the help of my friend...the "other woman"). Stupid, I know, but that's how I felt at the time. Now I'm left with no good options.

 

My choices are this:

 

1) Leave my wife...in which case I can room with a friend for a bit. And maybe my wife can get her elderly parents to move in with her. There's plenty of room and we've been trying to get them to sell their house...if they help out maybe she can keep the house. I could find a roommate or get a small apt myself and survive. I'm kinda awkward and shy....so I'd have to go into this knowing I may never find another partner. But I feel so alone and miserable now, I doubt I'd feel much worse.

 

2) Stay. And I'd either eventually find it in me to forgive and love her and maybe things will improve with her personality. Or things will stay the same or get worse and I'll likewise be miserable and feel disconnected and alone.

 

At this point I don't how I'm going to make it thru the holidays intact. The one source of emotional support I have is going to England with her family for 2 weeks. I'm off work for most of that, so I'll be alone with my thoughts. Not looking forward to that at all.

[jmargel]

And to go through counseling, you need to be ready to put forth some real effort. I don't have it in me right now.

 

That's not necessarily the case. All you need for counseling to work is to keep an open mind. Which, you do have. If your wife is willing to goto counseling then by all means, GO!! It will allow you two to communicate better, which is the root to this problem. Solve that problem and many of your other ones will go away, because you will both know how to deal with them.

 

As for this other woman, you are correct in that you are transferring the emotional bond to her. Your at the point that you need this 'need' met so badly that your instincts are kicking in to find it in someone else. You need to break away from this if you want this marriage to work.

 

You also need counseling for yourself, since you cannot handle this on your own and it is very apparent that you are in a depression. There is a chance your wife is in one as well, which depression does rip apart marriages very easily.

 

What your wife has done to you is not your fault. It's easy to base your own self-worth on someone you are married to, but you have to learn not to do this.

 

When you are at the part of feeling numb to the things your wife has said and done to you, then you are at rock bottom. Next time your wife says something mean or starts yelling, the best thing to say to her is "I refuse to talk to you anymore about this until you can be mature enough and to talk to me in a civilized manner'. Don't fight back with insults, it just feeds the fire.

 

Glad you branched out to get help other than this other woman. Alot of people here will be helping you.

[Reckless]

Have you heard that expression? it refers to how we invest in a relationship, giving of ourselves which is fine if both partners give and take the balance remains healthy and the marriage survives. BUT if one partner constantly gives (for whatever reason) and the other takes (or takes more than he invests in the relationship) then sooner or later, best will in the world the account dries up and your relationship is basically over.

 

Your love bank is empty.

 

What to do?

 

You gave yourself two options,

 

1) move out (end the marriage)

 

or

 

2) stay and be miserable.

 

You have a third option...

 

3) Stay and improve your marriage.

 

option 1) Move out

 

While your self esteem is at rock bottom at the moment and you cannot imagine loving or being loved (and happy) with anyone else, I ASSURE you that that will not be the case. Why can I be sure? because you sound like a thoroughly nice man, you sound hard working, you sound like you appreciate family and love and you have a lot to give. There is no way someone like that will walk around on this planet and not be appreciated and loved by a woman with sense and heart. It will take a while to be ready, to regain your sense of hope but it will happen, the human heart has an amazing capacity to recover.

 

Ending a marriage is painful and the minute you take real steps to do so your wife will (as recently indicated) do a 180° and, at least on the surface, do everything humanly possible to keep you (including have sex with you again).

 

Whether this can be translated into permanent changes depends on how you play it. Her unloving behaviour indicates she has some deep problems and knee jerk reaction aside, who knows if she is willing to really to the long and painful job of dealing with whatever those issues are. Again believe me she does have issues, and how! She may, if you push for that to be a requirement for the continuation of the marriage (which you should). Your (excuse me) passivity (giving her everything she wants without forcing her to be responsible for her part of the state of the marriage, tolerating a sexless marriage when you should have forced her hand to deal with the problem therein) has fed the problem. And if you don't take option one you will have to put an end to that.

 

Option 2) Stay and be miserable.

 

As I said earlier, this isn't really an option. What option 2 really is is entering into a cycle of you trying-getting too tired- withdrawing-her reacting with fear she'll lose you- her being nice (paying $20 dollars into the love bank)- you feeling resentful but a bit better- you trying again - her being mean- you getting tired (used up the 20) - you withdrawing - her reacting....

 

You do this for another few years until you have an affair (possibly with your 'platonic' friend) the sh*t hits the fan. The marriage ends. Five wasted years down the road you are standing staring at Option 1.

 

 

Option 3) Stay and Improve your marriage.

 

The problem with Option three is its a gamble. Firstly because you will have to develop qualities you have not displayed. Notably as I said you are going to have to take the lead in your marriage. YOU are going to have to first, learn enough about yourself to stop the rangling and arguing and blowouts and learn to communicate. There is no way you can do this without outside help (Get a GOOD councellor). Then you are going to have to force your wives hand to deal with the problems in your marriage. Deal with the sexlessness, deal with her issues. To do that its will have to be YOU that risks making her unhappy by basically saying "we do it this way, we get help, we BOTH work 100% or you are on your own" .

 

The fact that you didn't think of the financial option of selling the house and splitting the money shows that you are and continue to put yourself in the role of "he who serves" this is not only not very sexually attractive to a woman but paradoxically makes a woman feel frustrated and angry.

 

So option 3) while a gamble IS a possibility at this stage. Your wife will continue to feel your withdrawral and will attempt in her disfuntional way to "make it better". You will have to use the momentum to get her to agree to see a councellor and begin to deal with the issues (your resentment, her agressivity and unhappiness, your frustration and low self esteem, her inability to show genuine effection and to work on the marriage, your passive agression, her coldness and fear...) Its quite an order but if sucessful the feelings of love will eventually resurface.

 

Its too late when you say its too late. Whether it is, well, that is ultimately up to you. It will be a head (not a heart decision) but I will just say, make the decision when and only when you stop casting yourself as the victim of your own decisions and take a controlling hand in your destiny.

 

Good luck and keep us posted.

 

Reckless

[lonelyandtired]

Thank you both for the replies and the advice.

 

I got home a bit early from work and read these and I just started crying like a baby uncontrollably for an hour. Felt like a wuss, but somehow better anyway...guess I just needed to let it out.

 

I'm going to try to give things until we're into the new year and see how it goes. If it's still bad I'm going to have a serious talk with her....but I dont want to do it before xmas as I don't want our families' holidays ruined because of me.

 

She's trying real hard to be kind now (I think she's scared and hurt that I don't seem to care anymore). So there's an effort, which I appreciate, but t feels too late for me now. I hope I get over it and can love her again.

 

As of right now, all I want to do is leave.

[madgun68]

Jmargel is right about communication. Both of you are communicating poorly and things are only going to get worse if that doesn't change.

 

Here's one thing that caught my eye:

I'm the one who always swallows my pride and relents and tries to make things better. I'm not perfect, I argue and fight and can be an ass....but in the end I try to make it better. She doesn't.

On the surface, that is very admirable of you. But..

 

Giving in like this isn't a real solution and will cause other difficulties. Among them, it can lead to resentment; Feeling like one makes all the sacrifices while the other person does not.

 

Walking away when things start to heat up is great advice, and I would also suggest employing it. Wait until things cool down and then re-approach the issue when calmer. (DO revisit the issue.)

[lonelyandtired]

Jmargel is right about communication. Both of you are communicating poorly and things are only going to get worse if that doesn't change.

 

Here's one thing that caught my eye:On the surface, that is very admirable of you. But..

 

Giving in like this isn't a real solution and will cause other difficulties. Among them, it can lead to resentment; Feeling like one makes all the sacrifices while the other person does not.

 

Walking away when things start to heat up is great advice, and I would also suggest employing it. Wait until things cool down and then re-approach the issue when calmer. (DO revisit the issue.)

 

I have tried walking away. For many years. I prefer to go cool down and come back with a cooler head. But that only works when both people do it. If you come back in to the same amount of raging crazy in the room, what can you do?

 

And it's not like I just cave immediately, lord knows I'll stick to myguns in an arguement at times, but when arguments are going nowhere and just end up as circular littles hells with no end, I fail to see the point in continuing. If she won't budge, and no compromises are forthcoming from her, I don't have many other options. Reason and logic just seem to make her angrier and crazier.

 

I don't remember her being like this before. I actually asked her once if she maybe had had a stroke or something. I thought something truly, seriously wrong had happened to her mind. She even used to seem smarter....now I feel like I'm talking to someone borderline mentally retarded sometimes. I don't know if it's just my perceptions changed from positive to negative or if she actually changed. That sounds meaner than I intended, but it's true, so I'm leaving it here.

 

She has a strong anti-authority/inferiority streak. Even offering to help her at any task gets her raging with a "you aren't the boss of me!" rants. She doesn't like me to make even the simpliest of decisions (even suggestions anger her) and yet, when I allow her to take charge if decisions, she seems to freeze in fear. And I'm talking about simple things like "where would you like to go for dinner?" Or how my choosing to go to the gym is somehow a criticism of her being out-of-shape and overweight (when, no, it's just me wanting to get myself in shape). It's just all so ridiculous.

 

In any case, it all makes it very hard to argue, converse calmly, or talk straight forward about what I feel with her. And I'm just so tired.

 

But she's trying now at least. It feels phoney, but it's an effort. She gets points for trying. If she had done this even a week before though, I'd have eaten it up with a spoon. Now, I feel umcomfortable and a bit repulsed.

[blenderhead]

We've had money problems for years, mostly because my career failed. Which is because I couldn't fully commit to it, for the sake of the marriage...but I was willing to make that sacrifice, I thought it was worth it in the end. And a good relationship is more important than a dream job.

 

Bro, I totally feel for you. I'm new to this forum, and I haven't posted my complete story yet..but the career thing is something that you and I have in common. My career didn't fail, but it would have if my wife had her way. Hang in there, and don't ever let a woman come between you and your dreams.

[amaysngrace]

But she's trying now at least. It feels phoney, but it's an effort. She gets points for trying. If she had done this even a week before though, I'd have eaten it up with a spoon. Now, I feel umcomfortable and a bit repulsed.

 

It's a shame she doesn't appreciate you. I wouldn't say stay for the sake of staying. You are unhappy with good reason.

 

IMO I wouldn't go out of my way to let her keep the house either. She can buy you out if she wants to but it sounds like you've eaten a lot of s**t sandwiches from her so far and now maybe it's her turn. Not to say you should do it vindictively but just to be sure you are getting your fair share as well.

 

I am not going to give you crap for finding a friend. I think she came along when you needed her most. A lifeline. A reminder that there is better out there than what you have at home.

 

I believe people enter our lives when they do for a reason.

 

To me she is symbolic of hope.

[whichwayisup]

Have you two ever done counselling together?

 

It sounds exhausting all that you two have to do together, the fighting, bickering, walking on egg shells, her being bossy...

 

Do you love her or has too much happened to work through this and try to make things better?

 

This other woman, I just have an emotional connection to her now (and I'm probably just transfering....probably need that feeling)

 

Don't involve another person in this. It will just add more problems. if you need someone to talk to, talk to a guy buddy, or seek some one on one counselling..Do not turn to a woman whom you have an emotional connection with, that WILL make your life even more difficult. (go read in the OM/OW forum and also in the infidelity forum.)

[lonelyandtired]

Bro, I totally feel for you. I'm new to this forum, and I haven't posted my complete story yet..but the career thing is something that you and I have in common. My career didn't fail, but it would have if my wife had her way. Hang in there, and don't ever let a woman come between you and your dreams.

 

Too late for that, unfortunately.

 

That's been another big painful loss for me. I was an illustrator, and not being able to compete and succeed in the field I choose hurt bad. Now I can't even bring myself to draw anymore. It's been a couple years now since I did it professionally. Now when I try, I'm so rusty that it's pathetic.

 

My passion for drawing is dead now. My friend at work encourages me to draw again, but I've kinda lost the spark now. Now there's a big empty space inside me....I tried to fill it with making my wife a happier person. And we know how that went.

[lonelyandtired]

It's a shame she doesn't appreciate you. I wouldn't say stay for the sake of staying. You are unhappy with good reason.

 

IMO I wouldn't go out of my way to let her keep the house either. She can buy you out if she wants to but it sounds like you've eaten a lot of s**t sandwiches from her so far and now maybe it's her turn. Not to say you should do it vindictively but just to be sure you are getting your fair share as well.

 

I am not going to give you crap for finding a friend. I think she came along when you needed her most. A lifeline. A reminder that there is better out there than what you have at home.

 

I believe people enter our lives when they do for a reason.

 

To me she is symbolic of hope.

 

Yeah, but I think she's nervous around me now since i've unloaded all my marital problems. I'm miserable all the time except when she's around to cheer me up. And for me it's not romantic, it's just I need that feeling and some companionship...and the distraction. But now I feel either i've gotten too needy and pushed her away some, or either she's developing feelings for me or fears I have for her. So she's retracting a bit the last few days. Which I guess is a good thing for now.

 

I don't need more problems right now...she helped me through some of the worst at the start, I can manage on my own from here on out. And I don't want to burden her further with my drama, either.

[lonelyandtired]

Have you two ever done counselling together?

 

It sounds exhausting all that you two have to do together, the fighting, bickering, walking on egg shells, her being bossy...

 

Do you love her or has too much happened to work through this and try to make things better?

 

Haven't tried counseling, but right now, I don't think it would help. I'm so diconnected. I literally feel nothing for her...not love, not hate. I have some lingering resentment, and I care for her wellbeing...but it's different now.

 

Don't involve another person in this. It will just add more problems. if you need someone to talk to, talk to a guy buddy, or seek some one on one counselling..Do not turn to a woman whom you have an emotional connection with, that WILL make your life even more difficult. (go read in the OM/OW forum and also in the infidelity forum.)

 

You are absolutely right. I've been stupid to do otherwise. Luckily shes going to England for 10 days for xmas.

[amaysngrace]

I don't need more problems right now...she helped me through some of the worst at the start, I can manage on my own from here on out. And I don't want to burden her further with my drama, either.

 

Oh I wasn't suggesting you have an intimate relationship with this other woman at all. I was just saying that she showed you kindness and communication and friendship...all those things you are lacking in your marriage.

 

When I was thinking about divorcing my husband I paid attention to other guys a little bit. There was this one dad at my kid's pre-school and I kind of had a crush on him because I appreciated the way he was a dad and a husband. I'd never do anything more with him but think about him, but thinking about him helped me see that there are good men out there.

 

I also visited a dating site. To see how many available guys there were out there looking for a meaningful relationship. It helped give me hope of things to come in some strange way.

 

And that's what I'm suggesting by saying this woman is symbolic. She helps you see what you are missing in your marriage. And she also represents the hope of other women like her, when the time is right.

[lonelyandtired]

A few months back, i was trying real hard to improve things here. I was trying to get us out of the house, tried even harder to get us together in intimate situations, I got us signed up with some social groups, bought concert tickets, etc, etc....anything I thought would be fun and bring us closer together.

 

One thing I did, with the wife's input, was order a sexy little bedroom outfit for her to wear. At the time, after it arrived, she refused make love because we had a house guest staying with us (although he was never there....just came by to sleep & shower). Fine, I thought...silly, but fine. Then it was too close to Thanksgiving. Then we both caught a bad flu for a bit, so naturally, that was a bad time. Then it was weeks of fighting.

 

That outfit stayed in a drawer.

 

Well, later last night, I had gotten back from the gym, then went grocery shopping...the wife insisted on tagging along even thought she hates grocery shopping. When we got back, we ate a bit and watched some tv together.

 

When we were done, I decided to workout some more. I had worn myself out at the gym already, and after working out some here, i was spread eagle on the floor, too weak to move for a bit.

 

The wife, who, as I said is trying to be loving now, walked in and climbed on top of me. I rebuffed her politely. She sulked off.

 

Then shortly after I shuffled to my sore feet, I heard an odd noise. I knew what it was instantly. She was trying to squeeze into the outfit.

 

I just sadly said "no."

 

"No, what?" she was grinning.

 

"Just no."

 

So I went back to the den and sat down and waited.

 

Then she came in all upset, ready to start. And I calmly said my piece. that I needed time, I was still hurt and upset, and all her pushing is just making me want to pull away more. I didn't use the term "i don't love you anymore" but i tried to get as close as possible. She said she had the same thing happen to her years ago but she got over it. I told her she obviously did not get over it or we wouldnt be having this discussion.

 

We talked some more, and I told her how much I appreciated her trying to be kinder...I repeated that many times. And asked repeatedly if it was ok and she understood? She said yes, and sat down, and backed off some.

 

We watched more tv.

 

I still feel nothing, other than guilty that I don't feel.

[lonelyandtired]

Today:

 

I went out with my friend (male friend, not female co-worker). We talked about it all in length for hours.

 

He's been divorced a few years and is still out rebuilding his life and dating. He said I should leave my wife. He's seen us both unhappy for years and said I should stop thinking of anyone but myself.

 

I can't do that exactly. I have to leave right, if I do leave. But he still had a lot of great advice and really helped.

 

We also talked about my female friend. He asked many questions and lead me to the realization that I do have feelings for her. So I decided to pull completely away from her as a friend and just be professional, as I should've been before.

 

However, I've been reaching out to her a lot, even this weekend. Offering to bring her food or meds (she was home sick saturday and missed going out of town to a friend's wedding), as well as offering to help her finish moving today. But she cut me out, politely.

 

So I think she's creeped out. So I will talk to her tomorrow and apologize for being such a selfish dickhead. Apologize for crossing boundaries I sholdn't have and for making her uncomfortable. For burdening her with my drama and being weird. I will not however, tell her I might have any feelings for her (and, again, I think I'm just transferring...I don't think it's really "love"...but I'm so ****ed up, what do I know).

 

I closer still to leaving this relationship, but I'm going to try to do it right. Be transperent about where I am with the wife, emotionally and otherwise. And also, not let any other relationship interfere.

 

I also have some ideas on some sacrifices I can make so she can keep the house. A 12 grand loan will pay my portion of the housing payment for a year, or the entire thing for 6 months. It'll be a bitch to pay off, but I think I can do it.

 

I'm still giving it until next month before I decide, but today was filled with clarity.

[lonelyandtired]

Monday:

 

The talk with my work friend went ok today. I didn't do it first thing as we had a welcome back party for a co-worker who was sick.

 

Shortly after that ended, we had to go out to a Department luncheon, so I only had a few minutes to ramble off what I nervously remembered of what I prepared.

 

My script read as follows:

"I've been needy, weird, selfish, and I haven't been respecting your boundaries. You were trying to do was be nice to me, and I turned around and burdened you with my crap. I got way too pushy and weird, calling and emailing you and such, and I know I had to have at least made you uncomfortable. I was absolutely in the wrong and it totally won't happen anymore.

 

My life is freaking me out, and I just latched onto you for a life-preserver. The truth is, i'm miserable all the time, but when I'm hanging out with you, I've been happy. So I've been leeching off of you, just to feel better. And that wasn't right of me. And I apologize for trying to interject myself into your existence. I was crossing the line there.

 

You're really great and I respect you. And from now on, I'm going to be totally professional with you. If you want to talk with me, or go to lunch, or anything else, you can ask and I'll be right there for you. But I'm not going to bother you myself with any of my crap. I needed a have friend this weekend help me realize what I was doing to you and how selfish and plain weird I was getting. Again, I'm really, sincerely sorry.

 

I hope I didn't creep you out or anger you too much. And I hope you can forgive my stupidity and we can still be friends."

 

What I said wasn't quite as clear or thorough, but I got the point across, I think.

 

She said it was all ok, and she was glad we were friends and close. Her only concern was the timing she thought was bad for me to get close to a female friend (so basically if my marriage was fine, I guess she'd be cool hanging out more...but in that case I wouldn't need the support so much, but whatever).

 

Sitting next to her at the luncheon felt awkward and strained. She even rode in a different car on the way back to the office. I had a lump in my throat all the way back. I don't want to lose this friend (I have 2 friends...she's one).

 

Since it was just us in the car, it did give me a quiet moment to confess to my boss that things were bad at home and if I come in dragging my feet, that was why. He gave me a great supportive pep talk and said to take off as I needed to handle things. I work at such a great place. It so nice to have such cool bosses and supportive co-workers.

 

I talked to the female friend when we both got back. I asked her if we were going to stay awkward. She said no, we're good.

 

I'm feeling better about all that. I'm still backing away. But at least I know when the dust settles we can still be friends, I hope.

[lonelyandtired]

So with everything else out of the way, I'm working on my feelings for my wife. Or lack of feelings. Whatever.

 

I'm spending time with her, going to the gym together, watching movies together, cooking some nice dinners for us, etc etc.

 

But I'm still finding myself being cold to her. And I'm really trying not to do that. If she comes up to hug or kiss me (which she's doing alot now, but didn't do before this), I'm having a real hard time returning it...it's more like I let it happen to me.

 

She had a bad headache/migraine last night and went to bed early. She woke me up in the middle of the night crying, which she said was the headache. But I think it was because of me...at least partly. I tried to help her and talk her down some. But I wouldn't call it comforting....I don't have it in me and to be honest, I was still pretty much asleep.

 

This morning she woke up moping and I told her to call in and take the day. A bit later I responded to her and I guess my tone was too cold and it set her off crying and she stormed into one of the bathrooms. I gave her a few minutes and then tried to go talk to her about it and apologize.

 

But she was upset and said she's "done" and was going to call our real estate agent and put the house on the market today, etc etc. I said I do want to leave right now, but was staying anyway and was trying to get over how I feel/don't feel. That I wasn't ready to just give up now. But she kept fighting and repeating the same thing. So finally I just had to leave for work.

 

I don't know what's next...

 

Anyone have any feedback, please?

[Kasan]

What is it that you truly want? Do you want to be married or be with someone else?

 

I really think that you need to put your all into this marriage one last time before you consider ending it. Leave no stone unturned--counseling or whatever it takes--before you end your marriage. Then, if you decide to leave your marriage, you know that you have done everything that you could do.

[lonelyandtired]

I don't know. I'm so tired and depressed...i just want to start over.

But I want to hurt her as little as possible.

 

And I don't like not loving her....it makes me feel so awful. I don't understand how it could just go away like that. It's something I've experienced before.

[Kasan]

I don't know. I'm so tired and depressed...i just want to start over.

But I want to hurt her as little as possible.

 

And I don't like not loving her....it makes me feel so awful. I don't understand how it could just go away like that. It's something I've experienced before.

 

Okay--love can come back--there have been times in my life that I have hated my husband, but then something little happens, and changes how I feel, and I fall back in love with him all over again.

 

I am sure without a doubt that the feeling was mutual.

 

Why are you so tired? When was the last time that you had a check-up?

 

Look you are potentially leaving a marriage that has failed. Wouldn't it make sense to find out what and how you contributed to the failure before you move on, so that the same mistakes aren't repeated? Maybe now is the time to work on yourself?

 

What would it hurt right now--to talk to someone about this? There are some good websites like divorcebusting.com, and marriagebuilders.com. Again, what would it hurt?

 

As someone who has been married a long time, I can tell you that there are lots of times in a marriage that being civil to one another is all you can manage, never mind, anything else. But if there is a good foundation, the love does come back, and you move forward, stronger.

[lonelyandtired]

Okay--love can come back--there have been times in my life that I have hated my husband, but then something little happens, and changes how I feel, and I fall back in love with him all over again.

 

That's thing...before...when we got bad, love turned to hate, or anger or whatever. Now...there's nothing. I don't wan t to fight, I don't want her to suffer, and don't want to hurt her, but I just have no emotional connection to her now. Just a marital and financial obligation.

 

Why are you so tired? When was the last time that you had a check-up?

 

I'm physically tired because I'm emotionally tired (not to mention I'm dieting and working out like a fiend....on the plus side I'm down 25 lbs).

 

Look you are potentially leaving a marriage that has failed. Wouldn't it make sense to find out what and how you contributed to the failure before you move on, so that the same mistakes aren't repeated?

 

I feel like I have. It's been so much work for so long to just tolerate each other. I haven't in the last week, but before, even when we fought, I'd spend hours each days just trying to make her smile. I'd humiliate myself, just to make her crack a grin. I work and I cook for her, buy the groceries, clean the house, fix everything that breaks. I'd give up on my own hopes and dreams and not have friends, just to make her happy. I'd be transparent with my life, tell her every thing I was feeling, and I'd try to get her to open up.

 

We never had kids, but I even offered to do that recently, in the hopes that maybe a child would bring us together (I'm so glad she said no...what a massive mistake that would be).

 

Maybe now is the time to work on yourself?

 

I'm trying. I missed out on a lot of life lessons I think. I was 17 when we got together...she was 24. I never got to be out on my own, and I think I'm stunted for it. I needed to rise or fall on my own to be a whole person. but I felt I met the person I needed to be with, so I made her my priority.

 

What would it hurt right now--to talk to someone about this? There are some good websites like divorcebusting.com, and marriagebuilders.com. Again, what would it hurt?

 

I want to, but I ned to wait until I feel I would be invested in the process. Right now I don't think I wold be...I've lost the will to fight.

 

As someone who has been married a long time, I can tell you that there are lots of times in a marriage that being civil to one another is all you can manage, never mind, anything else. But if there is a good foundation, the love does come back, and you move forward, stronger.

 

We've been together 16 years. We've been down the fight, hurt each other, then bond closer road many times. Although I had to fight real hard to keep her...she usually wanted to run away from me (which is ironic, because now that I gave up, she seems to be trying and fighting for the first time). I do hope I can find my love for her again. But even the, I fear it'll just be years and years of this circle repeating.

 

I fear I might regret a divorce. But I'm beginning to think maybe regretting doing something is better than the regrets I have from my past which are regretting NOT doing things.

[Kasan]

I think that you really need to be clear what you want from this marriage should you make the decision to stay, then lay it out for your wife what your expectations of the marriage are.

 

I also think that you need to have a very frank discussion with her, about how you are feeling sooner than later. I don't understand how waiting until the holidays is over is going to guarantee the both of you a wonderful Christmas!

 

She knows that something is up--maybe now is the time for that discussion?

[lonelyandtired]

Oh, no no...we've been talking. She knows how I feel and that I'm trying to regain what I lost before I make a final decision to stay or go. I'm not keeping this all inside. I'm venting more on this board maybe than to her, but that's mainly because I dont want to fight...I don't want to point fingers with her and make her feel worse.

 

And I don't want to separate or anything or bring it up with family until after the holidays. I don't want our families to have their xmas ruined. Mine already is.

 

And the waiting is more so that I have a few weeks to see I if can love her again. I don't want to just walk out. If I go, I have a feeling it'll be for good. As much as she seems to be fighting for us now, she'd never let me back in...particularly if I really wanted to. Heck, even if she wanted me to...she's very vindictive and will certainly cut off her nose to spite her face.

 

The only thing I'm holding back is that I feel I was getting too close to my work friend. And that's just something that I realized 2 days ago. And I put up a wall there 1 day ago, to keep it from interfering with my marriage and marriage problems.

 

The only reason to admit this to her would be to hurt her. I'd actually like to tell her about that, though.

 

But everything else, she's aware of now.

[Kasan]

I find your situation so incredibly sad. We go into marriage too young with unreal expectations of what a marriage is. We give ourselves license to treat our partners worse than we would a friend or a family member, and then we wonder why we snap.

 

I was telling someone earlier that I don't believe in soul mates, just degrees of compatibility.

 

I really feel for you OP--life is so short, and yes, we deserve to be happy and fulfilled, and of course loved.

 

Every marriage goes through these horribly rough times--my marriage did--but my yardstick for staying in my marriage was --did the good times outweigh the bad. I'm not sure what his was, but maybe I will ask him.

 

As I said before in an earlier posting to you, love comes and goes in a marriage, the trick is for the both of you not to fall out of love at the same time.

 

How do you feel about her fighting for the marriage?

[lonelyandtired]

How do you feel about her fighting for the marriage?

 

I appreciate it...but maybe it's too little, too late. But that's just how I feel today. I hope I soften on that feeling.