Double Whammy

[Bummed&Hurt]

I have talked to my daughters about the breakup and have told them over and over again they they are not the reason for the divorce.

 

My wife asked me if they were angry with her yesterday and I said yes, they are bummed out. She then got pissed and asked me what i had told them. I said I hadn't told them anything, I always respond to ask you what's going on. I told her they have put two and two together and figured out what's happened. I told her they are old enough to form their opinions and that she should talk to them about what's going on.

 

The night she was hammered she told me that she had told them about the affair. Now she's claiming she didn't so I don't know if she doesn't remember or WTF.

 

Anyway, today is the first day of the rest of my life. I'm going to go NC as much as I possibly can. We still have to do things to get the divorce finalized and talking about the kids schedule but that's all I'm going to talk about.

[redblack66]

I have talked to my daughters about the breakup and have told them over and over again they they are not the reason for the divorce.

 

Sorry if I missed: how old are your kids.

[Bummed&Hurt]

5,7,13,17,20. The three oldest are girls and they're the ones that are pissed off at her for what she's done. She's wanting to move out of town with my two smallest and that's really going to hurt if she tries that.

[LostHusband]

5,7,13,17,20. The three oldest are girls and they're the ones that are pissed off at her for what she's done. She's wanting to move out of town with my two smallest and that's really going to hurt if she tries that.

 

You need to check into custody laws. She can't just take your two small kids and move far away, that would be kidnapping. You have as much right to your kids as she does. If they live in your house as their main residence you should be able to get full physical custody without too much trouble. The laws differ from state to state but I checked into my state and the laws say she cannot move more than 50 miles away with the kids. Seriously - check into it, at least find something online, but it would be best to go talk to a divorce/custody lawyer.

[hopeful26]

I don't know what's wrong with me. She called me yesterday and needed some help at her place and I went over and helped her put some furniture together and some other stuff. She made lunch for our entire family and I pretty much spent the entire day over there. It was a great day and I almost felt like we were a family again.

 

Wow. I'm so sorry to hear this. My XW split, though a very different situation, I can sympathize with the pain and roller coaster of emotions. While there are many differences in our situations I noticed one thing that was similar. My XW had literally told me, "I don't love you and I'm not in love with you!" Then, in the following weeks, even after she had made it perfectly clear that she didn't love me, there were a few times she invited me over to her folks house for dinner, invited me to "hang out", etc. I, being weak, agreed to spend time with her and while I was with her I actually caught myself thinking, "This is great! Being with her feels so wonderful!" Unfortunately I would wake up the following day(s) only to realize she was still gone; agreeing to be around her after she had made it clear she didn't love me ended up prolonging (and even increasing!) the pain. Ouch. Big mistake. Oh well, live and learn.

 

She may not see this now but one of the many things she is giving up is the access to you as a generous provider. For example, helping her put together furniture in spite of your current emotional state. What a nice guy! I think she's giving up a lot more than she realizes. Mr. Reality will most definitely pay her a visit.

 

Anyway, there are many people here who can offer better advice than me for your specific situation, so I'll leave it to them, but I just wanted you to know that I'm listening. Take it one day (or one hour if need be) at a time. Oh, and don't forget those beautiful kids you've got. How lucky they are to have a father like you!

Edited January 4, 2008 by hopeful26

[Gunny376]

First off, you need to be keeping a journal. DOCUMENT! DOCUMENT! DOCUMENT!

 

You wife obviously has a drinking problems with "black-out" espisodes. DOCUMENT, DOCUMENT, DOCUMENT!

 

If you can get her on the phone, speaking her drunken rable, and get a tape recording of it? All the better. Its not illegal for private citizens to "wire-tap" ~ its illegal for the government to "wire-tap" without a warrant. The law varies from jurisdiction to jurisdiction. In Alabama? Record away? You don't even have to let the other party know you're recording the conversation. (Last time I checked the law ~ could have changed since then?) In other jurisdictions? You don't have to inform the other party, but you do have to use equipment that yields and audible "beep" ever fifteen seconds or so. (Available at Radio Shack). You can get a suction microphone that attaches to the phone and the recorder, (also avaliable at Radio Shack) to record the conversation. You need to consult with your attorney in your local jurisdiction before doing this!

 

In 90% of divorce cases? The woman gets custody of the children. Primarly because the Father doesn't even seek custody. In the 10% of the cases where the Father seeks primary or sole custody? He's awarded it 90% of the time. With the three oldest being girls themselves and PO with the W, and her drunken rages? Its sounds as though you have a pretty iron clad case for gaining sole if not primary custody of the two youngest!

[Bummed&Hurt]

Hopeful,

 

Holy crap! Thanks for the nice post. It really uplifted my feelings.

 

This Saturday I found some love letters she had written to the OM and she finally confessed to what's going on. We got through the New Years holiday and since then I have been doing NC with her big time. It's hard because we have to work out things with the kids but that's the limit of what I'm doing. But I'm with you in that the time I spend with her still makes me feel good inside, but it's getting harder and harder to turn the other cheek.

 

She is still talking about moving away and I really need get looking into child custody laws here. I want things to be civil but I really can't be in position where I only see my kids on the weekends.

 

Hopefully, we can come to arrangement so it won't become a court battle.

 

Thanks again Hopeful for the great post and everyone else out there giving me support.

[Bummed&Hurt]

Just thought I would post an update. I have screwed up regarding the kids. I accidentally left the browser open at home and one of my kids seen the thread here on LS. Major bone head thing to do. My middle daughter last night told the W about it and has totally went off the deep end. She's blaming me for turning her kids against her now. I know I'm at fault for letting the kids see all the dirty laundry and feel awful. I know it's a public board but I never thought they would read it. Stupid.

 

I also found out my second daughter actually somehow overheard the phone conversation I had with the OM's wife. I was in a closed room so she must have either been on another extension or listening through the door. Either way it was not a conversation that I wanted my children to hear.

 

What's a bummer is my wife and I had a very good week together. We got along great and were having a good time together. Now we are back to being at each other's throats. I know what needs to be done so we can both get started with the rest of our lives.

[StillSame]

Bummed, don't feel bad about the kids finding out. It's the truth what they found out, isn't it? It's your W's fault what happened and if her actions came to light, it's NOT your fault, it's ALL HERS.

[michelangelo]

Your children are anxious about their fate and starved for real information about what awaits them. So of course they are going to snoop!

 

I don't blame 'em for wanting to know what's what.

 

At this point the cat's out of the bag and your wife cannot control what they know. Nor can she control just where your kids will live.

 

If you are smart and love your children you will fight tooth and nail in court to preserve the loving home life that they deserve. Get moving!

 

If your wife is smart, she will do likewise. If she is just going to be the angry, cheating drunk with a warped maternal instinct who think s her selfish "needs" are in the best interests of her children, then she will lose out.

 

FIGHT for your children's best interests!

 

BTW, stop with the pseudo-playing house relationship attempts with your cheating wife. Do not do any more favors for her. No more fixing furniture, etc.

 

If she's found "intimacy" elsewhere, she doesn't get any of the marriage perks anymore, capiche?

[Bummed&Hurt]

She ripped into me like you wouldn't believe today. She still blames me for everything that has happened. She still absolutely refuses to accept any blame for our marriage failing and her having the affair.

 

What set off the fight was that one of our big customer's employee asked one of our employees why the OM was moving to another location. The customer employee asked was it just because he was having an affair with my W? Our employee told me about it and I just wanted the W to know that these rumors are out there and going on. She just went bezerk on me. Saying I'm the one spreading them. I told them A. the OM is leaving, B. we are getting a divorce, and C. everyone here at work watches the way they are in each others office for hours at a time. People are going to put 2 and 2 together and come to that conclusion. I also found out that one of our employees, who knows what's going on, wife works out there. He is actually the one who spilled the beans to the big boss. I have never talked to him about the truth but he also can put 2 and 2 together. Why in the hell she got so pissed off at me is really confusing. The thing is, both of us know it's not just a rumor.

 

I still feel bad about the kids seeing these posts. I don't want them to hate their mother but they see the kind of anguish I'm going through and they have thrown some mighty hard daggers at her. My middle daughter told her last night that she's afraid that she is going to kill her dad (Emotionally, not violently) and then she won't have one. All she could tell me about that was, what about me? You've turned them against me so now they don't even care. Sheesh.

 

Oh well, the divorce is going forward. I still really worry about what she might do next. She seems really unstable right now. My feelings for her are diminishing more and more each day but I don't want my children to be without a mother.

Edited January 9, 2008 by Bummed&Hurt

[Chrome Barracuda]

Hey B&H,

 

Bottom line she brought this upon herself.

 

No everyone knows how dirty she is and it isnt your fault. She'll take responsibility for her actions but she's trying to be the victim,

 

And the porblem is , is that she cant be.

 

She's projecting her guilt on you, that's all that is.

 

Ignore her BS, detach and move on.

 

She isnt your wife anymore.

[Bummed&Hurt]

My therapist keeps saying don't rent space in her head. I'm trying but for the life of me I can't figure out WTF is going on up there. I think she has lost it. She told me yesterday that I need to quit digging and just let the rumors die. I'm not doing anything to prolong it. People enjoy good drama, especially in a small town like this. The rumors will never stop. I just wish she would accept the responsibility and realize how many lives she's destroyed.

 

I'll take responsibility for not being there for emotionally but if she wanted to screw this guy she could have divorced me first. She told me yesterday that she has told him to f-off and she is going to call his wife, then 3 hours later I see her in his office laughing and joking. Wow am I being played.

 

Well, I'm just talking to her when it has to do with the divorce or the children. I will not be a punching bag anymore. She is bringing me down in the muck with her when she does that.

[Bummed&Hurt]

It's been a while since I last posted and thought it might make me feel better if I did.

 

The wife and I are going ahead with the divorce. The affair really seemed to cool off after I told the OM's wife and he took a job at one of our other locations. Then last week I could tell that it had re-ignited. They were back to spending time in each other's offices.

 

I got pissed and called the OM's wife again. I had honestly thought that after I called her, the OM came clean, told his wife everything and the told her it was over. She forgave him and decided to move to another city to make a fresh start. She said that wasn't the case. She said that the OM said I was crazy, had no proof and was just making things up since we were getting divorced. I told her that my wife has come clean about the affair and even though she won't tell me the details, she does admit to a physical affair.

 

Anyway, I have become very vindictive to the OM. I want to ruin his marriage the way he helped ruin mine. I have been talking to the OM's wife almost daily now trying to co-ordinate a way to catch them in the act. My wife has had reasons to be out of town twice this week going to the OM's city. Very nice.

 

I know that since we're getting divorced that it's none of my business what my STBXW does, but do you think it's right to help the OM's wife find out the truth?

[Computers]

 

I know that since we're getting divorced that it's none of my business what my STBXW does, but do you think it's right to help the OM's wife find out the truth?

 

Morally, YES. Personally, your call.