Boyfriend and "friend" are crossing the line

[blue.butterfly]

you wouldn't look like a bitch at all, it depends on how you bring it up. simply saying something like 'i hope this goes better than the last time we saw each other, hahaha hehehe' , whatever, something like that, can surely bring what happened into the conversation. you don't have to say "hey slut, i don't appreciate how you stormed into my territory last time" in order to bring it up. although, in my opinion, if it comes down to it, you have every right to do so.

 

you could even say something like "i'm sorry i just kind of left the room last time, but i wasn't really sure what was going on and i didn't want to get in the middle of something and say something i would regret--you have a boyfriend, so i think you know what i mean, what girlfriend knows exactly what to do when some girl starts screaming at her boyfriend and you don't even know who she is? talk about awkward! *smile*"

 

see what i mean? there are ways to bring it up that don't make you look like an instigator, but that still call this crazy girl's actions into question. and you can do all this with bright, shining, happy confidence, which will only make her seethe. oh well, she needs to be put in her place.

you could even say something like "i'm sorry i just kind of left the room last time, but i wasn't really sure what was going on and i didn't want to get in the middle of something and say something i would regret--you have a boyfriend, so i think you know what i mean, what girlfriend knows exactly what to do when some girl starts screaming at her boyfriend and you don't even know who she is? talk about awkward! *smile*"

 

Kenzie, this is EXACTLY the kind of thing I am going for! I'm in NO way going to start name calling or acting at her level. I am better than that. But does this girl and this "friendship" need to be called out? You bet it does! I just gotta be smooth.... I'm thinking of saying, "I feel a little vulnerable that your conversations always happen when I am not present. While I think that it is important that you and my boyfriend have a friendship, I do not feel it is appropriate you talk about relationship problems with each other, especially at such length."

 

Something along those lines. I'm sure that needs tweaked a bit... Any suggestions?

[whichwayisup]

Hmm, wouldn't it just piss her off (and your bf too) if you and her guy sat and talked...Exchanged notes...he he he ...

[blue.butterfly]

Hmm, wouldn't it just piss her off (and your bf too) if you and her guy sat and talked...Exchanged notes...he he he ...

 

That's it!

 

Dear whateverhisnameis,

 

Do you like me?

 

Please circle:

 

YES NO MAYBE

 

Think that would get to her?

 

Ahhhhh... I miss middle school!

[blue.butterfly]

Or maybe I should just try playing footsy with him under the table.

[whichwayisup]

No, I meant I'm sure it would bug them both if you and her bf compared notes about 'their friendship'. I'm sure he isn't impressed with his gf's attention being focussed on your bf..

[blue.butterfly]

WWIU, that when right over my head, but it did make me laugh! I have no doubt in my mind you are absolutely right. No question! Now, is there a way I can do that w/o looking like a jealous, controlling bitch? Because honestly, I think with everything that's happened it's more than fair to do just that! (Share notes with her boyfriend.)

[Surfer Girl]

Perhaps you can define to her what a friendship is.. Use examples of your friendships... You may have male friendships... and they recognize your love for your boyfriend.... yet, you don't get emotionally involved... Your male friends are just that... Buddies that ask how was your day? Whats up for the weekend... Not the emotional bull****.... You can understand their friendship... but want it to be more of a social aspect and not an emotional aspect...

[blue.butterfly]

The strange thing is, is that I get the feeling they think I am imposing on their friendship. However, I have guy friends from when I was young who have since been married, and I would never impose on them this way. Not only out of respect for them, but their wives or girlfriends as well! My boyfriend got drunk a couple of weeks ago and told me how much he loves her, of course he meant just as a friend. He truly feels there is nothing wrong here.

 

Perhaps I should explain my definition of opposite-sex platonic relationships to her, and make it very clear where I stand in front of my boyfriend, her, and her boyfriend.

[KenzieAbsolutely]

The strange thing is, is that I get the feeling they think I am imposing on their friendship. However, I have guy friends from when I was young who have since been married, and I would never impose on them this way. Not only out of respect for them, but their wives or girlfriends as well! My boyfriend got drunk a couple of weeks ago and told me how much he loves her, of course he meant just as a friend. He truly feels there is nothing wrong here.

 

Perhaps I should explain my definition of opposite-sex platonic relationships to her, and make it very clear where I stand in front of my boyfriend, her, and her boyfriend.

 

keep in mind though, the problem isn't just her. it sounds like he needs a reality check, because he certainly doesn't seem to be letting go of her, and unless they're like, best childhood grew-up-together friends, and even then, it's so very unlikely that a guy will put a friend who is a girl in front of his girlfriend unless there's some reason for it that he's keeping from you. i would be cautious how much of a fight you put up for him, because he is definitely not innocent here.

 

you feel like you're imposing because they BOTH make it seem that way. he keeps his contact with her secret from you--i understand it may be because he knows it will cause a fight--but that also tells you something right there, that seeing her and talking to her is worth the risk of you getting upset, not only at his contact with her, but also for keeping from you/lying to you.

 

a real guy would stand up for a friend whose that important and say "you have nothing to worry about, i would never lie to you, she is just my friend and there will no secrets." instead he does the opposite, and he doesn't even tell you to come out when she storms over and you run and hide.

 

she's a beyotch for sure, but your boyfriend is up to no good, too.

[blue.butterfly]

Kenzie, I have explained why this bothers me to him till I was blue in the face, or at least felt like it! He says he truly "just doesn't get it." My boyfriend is by no means an unintelligent man, but he is acting like he is just plain clueless here. That fact actually makes me more upset! But oh man, if the shoe were on the other foot....

 

In all reality, I DO NOT like this girl, but my boyfriend is the one at fault here.

 

I actually have thought of ending the relationship over this. If he can't get what's wrong here, does he really have any idea of what boundaries are appropriate in a relationship? It's almost like he's putting his foot down and and saying "You can't tell me what to do!" Well, no, I can't, but I can definitely demand respect!

[squeak]

Hi B.B.

I want to respond to you, can you ennable your PM ? It is lengthy, and I'd like to help out.

[blue.butterfly]

Hi B.B.

I want to respond to you, can you ennable your PM ? It is lengthy, and I'd like to help out.

 

 

Sure. How do I do that?

[squeak]

Go to

"my profile"

under the heading "settings and options" click "edit options"

scroll down a bit to "personal messaging"

check the box that says "enable private messaging"

and press save then it should hopefully work unless you are too new and need more posts.

[blue.butterfly]

It doesn't have that option for me. I'm too new.

[squeak]

Okay, PM me when you do, but here is what I see.

You are fixating on the dinner coming up, how to behave towards her, all the current things that are weighing you down, and rightly so.

 

I want you to think long term here. What is this really making you feel? Why are you really unhappy? It is because his actions are making you feel less than.

 

She is not going to change, she will be the same botch she always was to you. And your BF needs to prove to YOU that he is putting you first. This needs to go in your direction NOW because half way measures are not going to work for your relationship in the long run.

 

Can you really see yourself liking her and his relationship a year from now just because he includes you? NO-because she already went past the boundaries. And he did too by allowing her to disrespect you.

 

You need to say to him "Look, we are both adults here, I love you very much, and I am not trying to control you. But the things I expect in a healthy relationship are not happening here. From my viewpoint, I feel you are putting this friendship with a girl who disrespected me in my own home before us, by insisting on being her friend over the wellbeing of our relationship.

 

I am coming to a conclusion that you have an interest in her based on your actions the past year. Unless you show me that is not the case through making it known to her verbally you put me first and that you don't appreciate the way she is treating me, by telling her this, i will draw my own conclusions as to where your loyalty lies."

 

Also-please for the love of jove DO NOT tell this girl anything that makes you look weak -sentences like " I feel vulnerable and hurt that you..." NO she will eat you alive.

 

You need to be clear with yourself right now what you need from your BF, I don't think meeting her is such a good idea, because let's face it-you don't really want her in your life under any circumstances-do you?

 

Take a stand now, because you will regret it later on if you don't. And you need to see with your own eyes who he chooses and what he does. You don't need to prove crap to him, okay?

[KenzieAbsolutely]

blue.butterfly, you now have two (or more) people telling you the same thing.

 

i hope you stick to your guns. please let us know how it all turns out.

[blue.butterfly]

You guys have no idea how your advice means to me. We went to the counselor yesterday and she said I was acting this way because I am insecure, and I need to let my boyfriend and his friend "be." I couldn't believe what I was hearing! While I do have my insecurities, who wouldn't be upset by this situation? The counselor also stated I am just jealous! Well, that's a new one for me, because I am really not the jealous type. However, I do believe jealousy is a natural reaction of a situation like this! Therefore, the counselor reinforced my boyfriend's view on the situation. But I KNOW what I feel and what is right for me. No one can tell me differently. You're right, Squeak, I probably should not meet his "friend." And no, I do not want her in my life. She is not a nice person and I know it. It is just very hurtful. I feel like he is picking this "friendship" over me.

 

He has continually not put me first. The counselor stated that he IS putting me first, because I am the one he spends the most time with. WTF??? I am his girlfriend of four years! He SHOULD spend a good amount of time with me! We don't even live together, so I see on average about 2-3 hours a day. Sometimes not even that.

 

This situation has eaten me alive. I am having panic attacks and just basically falling apart. It's not just because he has a "friend." I feel so disrespected in this situation, it's making me sick.

 

Please keep giving feedback. This is helping me so much. I feel like I'm going nuts, especially after the visit to the counselor yesterday.

[Leia]

Your counselor is a douchebag!!! How in the world is he putting you first?!? Listen to Squeak! The advice given is fantastic and Kenzie's too. You should tell your boyfriend how you feel but DO NOT let the beeatch know you're weak. It may be hard to deal with the fact that once you say what you want, he might break it off with you but don't you think that's for the better? Do you really want to be with a guy who puts his beeatch friend before his own girlfriend?! I'd put a sock in her eye if I could... hate girls like that. So disrespectful of other people's relationship!

[squeak]

A big relationship lesson i learned is you have to figure out what is right for you and stick with it. The WORST feeling in the world is when you compromise yourself, you end up losing your self worth to YOURSELF and NOBODY is worth that B.B.

 

That counselor sounds a$s

 

And you know what-she does not feel what you feel. So what she says does not really matter.

 

It sounds like you have explained this so many times to your BF, and by saying he does not understand-and really-who knows if he is gaslighting you or not- he feels he does not have to be responsible for your reactions as long as he can't *understand*

 

Whatever. The time of explaining is over. The time of feeling like you are falling apart has to stop, and don't wait for him to come to his senses. You can't be put in a position to play tug o war with this girl.

 

I want you to take a deep breath. Take a few....

 

Now i want you to envision the way you would like him to handle this. The way you would handle it if reversed.

 

Now i want you to think about handling it the way he is currently, and ask yourself-"if I acted like that to the on eI proposed to love- what kind of person would that make me"?

 

To be so unempathetic, dismissive of their viewpoint, and instincts. What kind of message does that give them about how i value them?

 

Now-turn it back around and realize he is doing that TO YOU.

 

And -this is hard-but i know you will hear truth in it-because this situation is harmful and hurtful it has a time limit in which he can choose what to do.

 

I would tell him in no uncertain terms that he is free to do whatever he wants, but that his decisions are hurting you, and his lies/omissions about his friendship with her has made you wonder if you two are compatible and that if he continues to be in touch with her you will interpret that as he is responding to her manipulkations.

 

You expect to be with someone more aware than that, and more discerning in the type of trash oops I meant friends he lets into his life. And that you are taking it all in, and he will really have to prove to you that he was not romantically inclined towards her, by dropping her.

 

If he can't, i would seriously think of exiting, as the damage will escalate and get worse. Think of it like a test, if he chooses her, it was not the right guy for you. And you have to be ready to back your case up and leave if it doesn't go your way.

 

Please let us know how the talk goes. I hope he does the right thing, and even then he still has a lot of explaining to do as to assure you it won't happen again.

[squeak]

Your counselor is a douchebag!!! How in the world is he putting you first?!? Listen to Squeak! The advice given is fantastic and Kenzie's too. You should tell your boyfriend how you feel but DO NOT let the beeatch know you're weak. It may be hard to deal with the fact that once you say what you want, he might break it off with you but don't you think that's for the better? Do you really want to be with a guy who puts his beeatch friend before his own girlfriend?! I'd put a sock in her eye if I could... hate girls like that. So disrespectful of other people's relationship!

 

Haha maybe after it's all over, whichever way it blows, she could deliver a nice knuckle sandwich with a side of elbow to the jaw.

 

And Kenzie you give amazing advice.

[KenzieAbsolutely]

Haha maybe after it's all over, whichever way it blows, she could deliver a nice knuckle sandwich with a side of elbow to the jaw.

 

And Kenzie you give amazing advice.

 

 

hey, thanks, right back atcha, squeak.

[blue.butterfly]

Oh geez. I had this long post ready to go and lost it. Let me try this again.

 

a real guy would stand up for a friend whose that important and say "you have nothing to worry about, i would never lie to you, she is just my friend and there will no secrets." instead he does the opposite, and he doesn't even tell you to come out when she storms over and you run and hide.

 

She and her friend were there for more than an hour. They made it more than clear they were staying that long because they knew I was upset. He said nothing. He has lied to me in the past, but now that he tells me they talk, he assumes that I know he is being honest and that he has changed.

 

It sounds like you have explained this so many times to your BF, and by saying he does not understand-and really-who knows if he is gaslighting you or not- he feels he does not have to be responsible for your reactions as long as he can't *understand*

 

I get this A LOT. He also says "Even if I did something different, it wouldn't matter anyway." When in fact, he never does anything different. Sounds like a cop out to me.

 

Now i want you to think about handling it the way he is currently, and ask yourself-"if I acted like that to the on I proposed to love- what kind of person would that make me"?

 

I've tried to explain how this makes me feel, and how he would feel if the shoe were on the other foot. He asks me why I keep throwing out these "what if" scenarios. I told him I'm trying to get some empathy. He REALLY didn't get that one.

 

You expect to be with someone more aware than that, and more discerning in the type of trash oops I meant friends he lets into his life. And that you are taking it all in, and he will really have to prove to you that he was not romantically inclined towards her, by dropping her.

 

I've had some not-so-great friends, and he more than let me know his feeling on the matter. These were even same-sex friends! When we first got together, he told one of my guy friends (completely platonic) in no uncertain terms to "f**k off." He said my friend was acting inappropriately (he's a truck driver and texted me at five in the morning from the road.) But now this is going on, he says he'd be OK with it. Coincidentally, I have no close male friends left.

 

I would tell him in no uncertain terms that he is free to do whatever he wants, but that his decisions are hurting you, and his lies/omissions about his friendship with her has made you wonder if you two are compatible and that if he continues to be in touch with her you will interpret that as he is responding to her manipulations.

 

I have told him this. He says I'm over-reacting. He says I'm just to sensitive. When I stated that I'm a woman, I have emotions, he told me in all the time he's talked to his "friend" he's never heard her cry. Wow. What the hell does that mean? And while he admits that she is a bitch, she is not being manipulative.

 

Oh, I could go on and on... I know in my heart this isn't right. Thanks for helping me everyone.

[blue.butterfly]

You BOTH are amazing! And very appreciated!

[blue.butterfly]

And just a little extra info, he ONLY calls her on his way to work, when he knows I won't be there. This has happened repeatedly and consistently over the last six months, yet he says he has nothing to hide! When confronted, his excuse was "Well, when I'm with you, I only think of you." I would buy that if it were just the last couple of weeks or so. The bad thing is, the counselor actually bought this excuse!

 

Ok, now I'm just ranting...

[squeak]

Has he been acting differently to you the last few months based on what you know to be normal?

 

Like you get a bad feeling, he is distant and cold, then affectionate, then the next minute starts fights for no reason?