fiyah Posted December 3, 2007 Posted December 3, 2007 originally posted here http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=135132 So, its been a couple months since i broke up with my gf of four years. i figured what was best for me after i broke up was to be single for awhile, try to learn and grow from the lessons of the relationship, and maybe date around more to get a better picture of the type of girl that i could be serious with. i ended up going on a date with a girl a week after the breakup. the date went really well and we clicked. fast forward a month, and we've been spending most weekends together and talking on the phone or texting every day. the only time we had a serious talk about "us" was before we had sex for the first time. i told her i wasn't ready to jump into another relationship since i had just gotten out of a long-term one. she said that she had also recently broken up with a boyfriend and thought that we were just having fun. but, if we had sex, she wanted it to be exclusive - not having sex with other people. i agreed. the more time we spend together, the more emotionally attached i'm getting, even though we don't cupcake that much. We continued to talk almost every day the last 4 weeks or so, but didn't have that further conversation to better define the "relationship" and expectations until a couple days ago. I know i should have sooner; i just dropped the ball. Two weeks ago, i got some advice from a friend that even though i told her originally that i didnt want a relationship, by spending every weekend together and talking/texting every day, it was sending mixed signals. So, i've tried to distance myself from her a little bit the past two weeks - i wouldn't call her so often and sometimes kept our conversations shorter, even if i wanted to spend more time with her, just cuz i wanted to cool things off a little. And finally, we did have the serious "relationship" talk a couple days ago. It wasn't in the best circumstances and she was a little bit drunk. She told me she really liked me and wanted to know what this is to me and where its going. I told her that i wasn't looking for a relationship and really need my own space right now to be able to not have commitment and date around. I told her that i do like her and not trying to use her and would like to continue dating her, but cant commit to a relationship. She blew up, stormed off and said lots of stuff. I think what really hurt her was the seeing other people part, even though our only formal agreement from the beginning was just not sleep with other people. After she calmed down, she kind of said she was sorry she did all that, and that she'd be maybe willing to still date me, take it really slow, which is what i had wanted. I told her that we should take a couple days off, not talk to each other, and just think real hard about what each of us needs and wants right now, before we make any decisions. For me, i like her and want to get to know her better and continue dating her. I do want to have the space to meet other girls, though. I don't want to make any commitments to any girl right now, after i just got out of a long-term. So, i know that is where i stand, but assuming that she really is willing to take things real slow, can we even do this no strings attached thing, especially when she's laid her cards on the table and said that she really likes me and at least when she was drunk, made it really clear that she had EXPECTATIONS. She says that she doesnt want to "make me her boyfriend", but then when drunk and mad that she says she "doesnt want to waste her time." What are our options? If we decided to continue dating (and it will be semi-long-distance in a month), how many times/month should we talk on the phone or see each other, without sending mixed signals? The other part of my brain says, why are you so scared of commitment? This girl is coo, why dont you just agree to being exclusive and just see how it goes being in a relationship, but take it slow. Help, please.
a-sweetart Posted December 4, 2007 Posted December 4, 2007 You should have a conversation with her when you are both sober. Emotions get blown out of porportion when people are drunk. She may or may not be able to handle the type of relationship you are looking for. But if she says that she still wants to see you then you should not spend every weekend with her and calling/texting everyday is out too. That is too "boyfriend". If you don't want a girlfriend then you should not behave like her boyfriend. It gets too confusing.
EYECANDY000 Posted December 4, 2007 Posted December 4, 2007 I think you are definitely sending mixed signals. I thought the whole point of dating someone is to get to know them and eventually end up in a relationship with each other. If that's not the case then the title you guys need to label it is friends. Are you stating that both of you are free to be in an open relationship as long as no one have sex with anyone else? And lastly, it doesn't matter if u spend less time on the phone or your texts become infrequent if both of you have `exclusive talks` or `serious relationship` talks then I guess the being distant is a waste of time. Both of you need to agree on what it is that you want and what your looking for, because this has disaster written all over it
LiveKhaos Posted December 4, 2007 Posted December 4, 2007 In my opinion you definitely didn't send too many clear signals. She might have told you that she didn't want to make you her boyfriend at one point, but maybe she told you that because she knew that you wanted to just take it slow and not get into a relationship any time soon, ergo she said this because if she were to tell you how she truly felt then she might have lost you due to you running away from her a.k.a the relationship... I think that she wants a relationship with you, and maybe at first this wasn't the case, but in my opinion she's gotten emotionally attached to you and wants more now than she did at the beginning. I think you messed up when you told her about the seeing other people, if I was her I would've seriously thought about dropping you right then and there... After you told her this she most likely feels as though she's wasted her time with you because if your allowed to date and meet other girls there's a possibility that you might slowly start liking someone else... She might be ok with taking it slow and giving you space, but I HIGHLY doubt that she's happy go lucky when it comes to you dating/meeting other girls... You should evaluate your feelings (if any) for this girl, and decide whether your taking a bigger chance by eventually committing to her or by taking it real slow and date other women in the process...
Author fiyah Posted December 5, 2007 Author Posted December 5, 2007 i DO like her, and i think part of the reason i sent mixed signals was because i had mixed feelings, too, coming right out of a long-term relationship and wanting space on one hand and really liking her on the other. We've had some good heart to heart conversations last night and tonite, and i think we've finally gotten on the same page. Yes, it is the dating other people part that she would not be okay with and would really complicate things. When i really think about it more too, i'm not even sure i would be able to handle multiple girls at the same time! Having just one girl can already be so complex! It HAS been nice the past couple days talking things out and also just having deeper conversations about other things. Really nice. I know it was only a couple conversations and i know we need to take our time and go slow, but i really value connecting with her on that deeper level, and not having those kinds of conversations was a key problem about my past relationship that didn't work. I think i was partly afraid of committing to someone because i didnt want that disappointment of not connecting with them on that "spiritual" level that i didnt get with my ex. But if i really do connect with this girl on that level, i would be more than willing and ready to commit. But i do want to take this slow and not get too carried away. But I'm scared of disappointment; scared of hurting her. I think i would like us to take it slow, kind of start over, maybe even not have sex, which kind of complicated things for us fairly inexperienced young twenties. But right now, at least, i am leaning towards just doing it. I want to get to know her better, and being exclusive with someone that you connect with - i think is good.
fray718 Posted December 5, 2007 Posted December 5, 2007 But right now, at least, i am leaning towards just doing it. I want to get to know her better, and being exclusive with someone that you connect with - i think is good. YES! Do it, or regret it. Your choice. I really hope you do it, just take a deep breath n jump in. I know you can =).
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