what does exclusive mean?

so, its been a little over a month since i broke up with my gf of four years. i figured what was best for me after i broke up was to be single for awhile, try to learn and grow from the lessons of the relationship, and maybe date around more to get a better picture of the type of girl that i could be serious with.

i ended up going on a date with a girl a week after the breakup. the date went really well and we clicked. fast forward a month, and we've been spending most weekends together and talking on the phone or texting every day. the only time we had a serious talk about "us" was before we had sex for the first time. i told her i wasn't ready to jump into another relationship since i had just gotten out of a long-term one. she said that she had also recently broken up with a boyfriend and thought that we were just having fun. but, if we had sex, she wanted it to be exclusive - not having sex with other people. i agreed. the more time we spend together, the more emotionally attached i'm getting, even though we don't cupcake that much.

what do you think - is it bad to talk to eachother every day and being sex exclusive if i'm not looking for something serious? and i know i should probably have a conversation with her about it, but if i agreed to be sex exclusive with her, does that mean i can't go on dates with other girls as long even if there is no sex?

From my point of view it sounds like this relationship is getting serious, and I'm fairly sure "exclusive" in this context would apply to dating women aswell. Give the relationship a little more time and if you're still not sure, perhaps talk to her about it, but don't rush her or pressure her. I think dating other women at this point in the relationship may be a bad idea.

I would think that you should be asking more of "what does serious mean".

By hanging out everyday and only having sex with each other, IMO means that you cant go on dates with other people. and if you are having that good of a time with this one why would you want to?

Just my opinion though

I think you need to clarify with her: you aren't ready for a relationship. You are not ready, dude, you aren't. Make that clear to her. Tell her "I am not ready for a relationship, I like hanging out with you and love the sex and I want to explore our connection, but I can't commit to you at this point in my life." She may be hurt and you may lose her, but she may stick with it too. And make sure she knows by commit you aren't talking about marraige, but that you want to be single so you can flirt and date other women. If that is what you want to do, you have to ask for it, but you have to risk her not wanting to be with you because of it.

Since you are not ready for a relationship, I think it is only fair that you tell her the truth about what you want, so she can make her own choice.

By saying yes you have led her to believe that you are in a committed relationship with her. It does you no good to be exclusive if you're not looking for anything serious. You've painted yourself into a corner here.

so, its been a little over a month since i broke up with my gf of four years. i figured what was best for me after i broke up was to be single for awhile, try to learn and grow from the lessons of the relationship, and maybe date around more to get a better picture of the type of girl that i could be serious with.

 

i ended up going on a date with a girl a week after the breakup. the date went really well and we clicked. fast forward a month, and we've been spending most weekends together and talking on the phone or texting every day. the only time we had a serious talk about "us" was before we had sex for the first time. i told her i wasn't ready to jump into another relationship since i had just gotten out of a long-term one. she said that she had also recently broken up with a boyfriend and thought that we were just having fun. but, if we had sex, she wanted it to be exclusive - not having sex with other people. i agreed. the more time we spend together, the more emotionally attached i'm getting, even though we don't cupcake that much.

 

what do you think - is it bad to talk to eachother every day and being sex exclusive if i'm not looking for something serious? and i know i should probably have a conversation with her about it, but if i agreed to be sex exclusive with her, does that mean i can't go on dates with other girls as long even if there is no sex?

It all depends on what you two agree on. If you want to do this right, you have to just talk this all out and come to a mutual agreement. I have a fwb where there is zero commitment, we're friends, but we hook up sometimes. At her party on Friday, she hooked up with her ex gf, and I hooked up with this other girl there. The next day we talked and dished all the details and it was great. We have worked it out so there is no jealousy, deception, insecurity, or anything of the sort. It's actually very healthy and positive.

You guys need to iron out the details.

oh btw, you're rebounding. I hooked up with this girl after I got out of a 4.5 year relationship so I know exactly what you're going through. At first I got all excited about her and thought about making her my gf but then I forced myself to back off and marinate for a few days and I'm sooo glad I did. It gave my head a chance to settle. You're probably going through the same thing. Hang in there bud.

so, its been a little over a month since i broke up with my gf of four years. i figured what was best for me after i broke up was to be single for awhile, try to learn and grow from the lessons of the relationship, and maybe date around more to get a better picture of the type of girl that i could be serious with.

 

i ended up going on a date with a girl a week after the breakup. the date went really well and we clicked. fast forward a month, and we've been spending most weekends together and talking on the phone or texting every day. the only time we had a serious talk about "us" was before we had sex for the first time. i told her i wasn't ready to jump into another relationship since i had just gotten out of a long-term one. she said that she had also recently broken up with a boyfriend and thought that we were just having fun. but, if we had sex, she wanted it to be exclusive - not having sex with other people. i agreed. the more time we spend together, the more emotionally attached i'm getting, even though we don't cupcake that much.

 

what do you think - is it bad to talk to eachother every day and being sex exclusive if i'm not looking for something serious? and i know i should probably have a conversation with her about it, but if i agreed to be sex exclusive with her, does that mean i can't go on dates with other girls as long even if there is no sex?

Anytime the word "exclusive" is used (whether it refers to the physical part of a relationship or otherwise), you're treading of "serious relationship" territory. Think about it. If you two are just casually dating, why the need to label the sexual relationship as being "exclusive"? In one form or another, you are committing to the relationship by agreeing not to have sex with other people.

Anytime the word "exclusive" is used (whether it refers to the physical part of a relationship or otherwise), you're treading of "serious relationship" territory. Think about it. If you two are just casually dating, why the need to label the sexual relationship as being "exclusive"? In one form or another, you are committing to the relationship by agreeing not to have sex with other people.

Agreed. This girl nailed it. Talk to your girl, buddy.

so, does no one have a fwb that is exclusive? is that like an oxymoron? aren't some people in exclusive relationships but keep things really casual without a lot of long-term expectations?

thing is, i dont really want to heavily pursue other sexual partners right now. i'm content just being with her for now, so thats why i agreed to be sex exclusive. i just dont want to even think about "serious relationship" stuff right now. why does being sex exclusive have to be "serious relationship" territory. i'm satisfied just being with her for now (in the short-term), so i'm fine only having sex with her. i just dont want to send off the serious long-term relationship vibes when...yeah, i'm not ready.

Well, if you're not hooking up with anyone else and you're not seeing anyone else, it's a relationship, just maybe not a serious one? Frankly, I don't see the point in committing to someone at all unless you're serious about them...

so, does no one have a fwb that is exclusive? is that like an oxymoron? aren't some people in exclusive relationships but keep things really casual without a lot of long-term expectations?

 

thing is, i dont really want to heavily pursue other sexual partners right now. i'm content just being with her for now, so thats why i agreed to be sex exclusive. i just dont want to even think about "serious relationship" stuff right now. why does being sex exclusive have to be "serious relationship" territory. i'm satisfied just being with her for now (in the short-term), so i'm fine only having sex with her. i just dont want to send off the serious long-term relationship vibes when...yeah, i'm not ready.

The point of declaring something as being "exclusive" is so that you can get pi$$ed off when one person does something that is a little too "inclusive" (i.e. screw someone other than the person they said they'd exclusively screw). Exclusivity has no regard for time; it's not about whether it's long term or not, it's about EXPECTATIONS.

You need to get real here OP. The girl suggested that the sex be exclusive, no? I'm going to guess that she wants more than just an exclusive sexual relationship...but she's too scared to come right out and say it. So she figures, if you're getting sex from only her, the rest of the relationship components (emotional connection, love, etc) will eventually follow.

Whether you are aware of it or not, what she asked you for was a commitment...and you dear OP, obliged.

ooooooooohhhh, she got you good!!!!

haha, in all seriousness, just talk to the girl. she doesn't sound nearly as psycho as some i've encountered. i remember certain fights with my ex in which i thought "ok, she's offically throwing things now... what do i do?" At least this girl knew enough to ask for exclusivity rather than assume it. That scores her serious brownie points in my book.

ooooooooohhhh, she got you good!!!!

 

haha, in all seriousness, just talk to the girl. she doesn't sound nearly as psycho as some i've encountered. i remember certain fights with my ex in which i thought "ok, she's offically throwing things now... what do i do?" At least this girl knew enough to ask for exclusivity rather than assume it. That scores her serious brownie points in my book.

I have to agree. Not only is she a go getter, she's also smart about how she goes about it. Hehe...poor OP doesn't even know he's in a relationship.

Seriously OP, you need to talk to her. CLARIFY the boundaries. Tell her how you feel. That's it's just about sex for now. Otherwise, someone WILL get hurt. And then you'll have to deal with getting your tires slashed and restraining orders. Not fun.

lol. points taken. i'll talk to her about it. you know, my previous relationship was filled with so many long arguments/discussions about "the relationship" that i just really really enjoyed not having to think or talk about it. but i do realize i need to communicate with her.

i dont think she is trying to "trick" me into a serious relationship. but maybe secretly she does want this to blossom into a more meaningful relationship and she doesnt want to scare me off just yet either. in a couple months, she is going back to school and will be a couple hours drive away for a year or so.

i want to tell her that i like her, but i'm really not ready for a serious relationship, especially a semi-long distance one. i'd like to keep her in my life when she goes away, but the expectation cant be an exclusive serious relationship.

it really depends....it's not a relationship until you AGREE it to be. Since you haven't, its not exactly a relationsihp. I know from personal experience. I actually dated this guy for about 6 weeks then we had a talk about 'us' n how we both agree we r heading towards a relationship. A week later he freaked out n dumped me cuz he said he's not ready. Then 2 weeks later he came back n asked to be fwb. I said no i dont do that cuz i only am willing to go with something that is bf/gf. We went back n forth for a bit but he finally agreed to being exclusive with me (he had no problems with being with me only at all actually, just that he cant stand the pressure n expectations that come with a real relationship) n even was fine that i refered to him as my bf even. But the bf/gf was more of a label just for me n he wouldn't actually see it as a real relationship. So the reality was that it was a fwb relatinsihped masked by the label bf/gf....even that to me was not enough. I decided to just let it go. Basically, u should be very clear with her about what u r willing to give and what u can NOT give to her. It is ok for you to have the same setup i had with my guy if you are clear on what u want. But at the same time, know that u will risk losing her like how my guy lost me.

I don't think it's wrong of you to date others while being sexually exclusive with her. That's what the two of you talked about and agreed upon so why not? I will add that it is a bit tricky juggling more than one person but if you're game, then go for it! If it seems to be a problem down the road, re-evaluate with her and decide what you want to do TOGETHER.

what does exclusive mean?

means your only seeing and sleeping with that one person.

Quite simple: you tell her "I don't feel I am ready for anything resembling a relationship, and I can't promise you that I won't be flirting or even dating other people. However, I do want to keep dating you. I really enjoy you. I'm just not ready for any kind of commitment. I can promise you sexual exclusivity in that I'm not seeking other sex partners, and if something were to happen, I would tell you so you could make an informed decision. My current intention is not to seek sex from other women, but when I'm out at a party or a bar, I have to be honest, I'm not healed enough from my last relationship not to flirt with other women"

It sounds like the above arrangement is what you want. Can you say it more tactfully? I doubt it.

wow, its been almost a month since i first posted.

update: we have continued to talk almost every day the last 4 weeks or so, but didn't have that further conversation to better define the "relationship" and expectations until a couple days ago. I know i should have sooner; i just dropped the ball. Two weeks ago, i got some advice from a friend that even though i told her originally that i didnt want a relationship, by spending every weekend together and talking/texting every day, it was sending mixed signals. So, i've tried to distance myself from her a little bit the past two weeks - i wouldn't call her so often and sometimes kept our conversations shorter, even if i wanted to spend more time with her, just cuz i wanted to cool things off a little.

And finally, we did have the serious "relationship" talk a couple days ago. It wasn't in the best circumstances and she was a little bit drunk. She told me she really liked me and wanted to know what this is to me and where its going. I told her that i wasn't looking for a relationship and really need my own space right now to be able to not have commitment and date around. I told her that i do like her and not trying to use her and would like to continue dating her, but cant commit to a relationship. She blew up, stormed off and said lots of stuff. I think what really hurt her was the seeing other people part, even though our only formal agreement from the beginning was just not sleep with other people. After she calmed down, she kind of said she was sorry she did all that, and that she'd be maybe willing to still date me, take it really slow, which is what i had wanted.

I told her that we should take a couple days off, not talk to each other, and just think real hard about what each of us needs and wants right now, before we make any decisions. For me, i like her and want to get to know her better and continue dating her. I do want to have the space to meet other girls, though. I don't want to make any commitments to any girl right now, after i just got out of a long-term. So, i know that is where i stand, but assuming that she really is willing to take things real slow, can we even do this no strings attached thing, especially when she's laid her cards on the table and said that she really likes me and at least when she was drunk, made it really clear that she had EXPECTATIONS. She says that she doesnt want to "make me her boyfriend", but then when drunk and mad that she says she "doesnt want to waste her time."

What are our options? If we decided to continue dating (and it will be semi-long-distance in a month), how many times/month should we talk on the phone or see each other, without sending mixed signals?

The other part of my brain says, why are you so scared of commitment? This girl is coo, why dont you just agree to being exclusive and just see how it goes being in a relationship, but take it slow.

Help, please.

The other part of my brain says, why are you so scared of commitment? This girl is coo, why dont you just agree to being exclusive and just see how it goes being in a relationship, but take it slow.

Either do the above or let the poor girl go. She deserves better, really. I've been in her shoes before and it hurts badly. Except I stopped the physical stuff immediately afterward and then about another month later I broke it off completely. But still, it hurts ALOT.