twistedapart1 Posted December 4, 2007 Posted December 4, 2007 The question of the day is what did you do to warrant a ppo? I think you should leave her alone. Your husband made a commitment and blew it. Keep your anger where it should be.
White Flower Posted December 4, 2007 Posted December 4, 2007 My H's OW was older than me as well. In the beginning I asked him what it was about her that he chose to have an affair. He said it wasn't about her, she just happened to be someone that was wiling to have an affair with a MM. When I kicked him out and told him to go to the OW, he wouldn't even consider the thought of actually having a real relationship with her. He didn't even like her as a person. Strange since she loved him. My point is, most of the time the affair is not about the other person or the spouse, and more about the cheater and their own issues. Again, I have to say that there is no hope in the marriage if both of you aren't willing to look at what is missing in the WS and or the marriage. Just because the affair ends doesn't mean the underlying issues have gone away. And, if he is indeed still having any contact with the OW, there is no chance of reconciliation. I'm not saying this is the OP's fault. Her H must take 100% of the responsibility for his actions, but to make a marriage work after an affair takes a strong commitment from both partners. Just my opinion. I must say I agree entirely. If my H would have gone through the counseling I asked for with me we wouldn't be here today. Herenow, you really are a treasure of a wife. To Gramsbear, I wish you the very best in working it all out. 7 years is a long time to have the wool pulled over your eyes. If it's not too much, I have a question or two: Did you ever have a sneaky suspicion or a funny feeling that something was going on? Did you know the OW? And what does she "need" a PPO for?
heftysmurf Posted December 4, 2007 Posted December 4, 2007 You helped a lot! I am still a mess at times but your words of wisdom helped me. I think I now have some insight to help others. Hugs back at ya!
White Flower Posted December 4, 2007 Posted December 4, 2007 You helped a lot! I am still a mess at times but your words of wisdom helped me. I think I now have some insight to help others. Hugs back at ya! Sometimes I played the bad wife and others the good. Whichever helped, I'm glad:)
ICallsEmAsISeesEm Posted December 4, 2007 Posted December 4, 2007 The question of the day is what did you do to warrant a ppo? I think you should leave her alone. Your husband made a commitment and blew it. Keep your anger where it should be.LOL...spoken by someone whose considering having a baby with a MM who already has a litter of kids at home with wifey.
Author gramsbear Posted December 4, 2007 Author Posted December 4, 2007 I will try to explain ...7 years ago I caught my husband in a parking lot with this woman (girl),he swore to me it was over and he didnt want a divorce.I did alot of checking for a long time and thought it was over.Found no signs. My husband has never been gone at night ,never went to bars,parties,nothing.He was home every night no later then 6pm. In July of this year the girls ex husband called me and told me it was still on.My husband denied everything.The man would call me and talk every so often and I knew from what he was telling me that it was true.I finally asked my husband to give me peace of mind and get me the cell phone records.He has a work issed cell.He kept saying he would ,but didnt.On Sweetest Day I picked up his phone and saw her number on it.I freaked and threw him out 2 days later. He said he just couldnt get away from her.It was my fault cuz I wasnt happy.He had to buy her jewelry because I dont wear it.So on and so on. She and I talked on the phone during this period.Finally he started coming around and said he wanted to come home,although he was still saying he was staying at his sisters house.After checking a few times and not finding his truck,I knew he was stikk playing games.So I went to her house twice.He was hiding his truck but I knew he was there.The second time i went he and her came walking out.I pulled up and said to him...this game is over...who do you want.He had called me from her bed that very night.I also told her all that he was saying and doing to me.He chose to go with me.We agreed he would be honest and he would tell me if he wanted her back.We had some calls from her that weekend and then he said he had calls from her at work.He said he only talked to her twice.I asked him not to have any contact at all and he agreed.Last week she had me served with a ppo for harrassment.even though we had had no contact of any kind for over 12 days.She also lied about 3 of the 4 items in her ppo.I freaked.Asked my husband to get one on her as she was still calling him and he refused and said well you did harrasse her.He asked me not to fight it as he wants this to "go away" so I agreed not to.But she also put a ppo on my daughter in law and lied about her too and she is fighting her PPo. I believe my husband had his gf put the ppos on us as he seems to know alot about ppos.How many calls are considered a threat,the price of having someone served and etdc. When i tell him that the girl lied about my daughter in law,he said well i could have swore that you told me that.....so it sounds as though he told the gf and they are in this ppo together.I also know that he got 2 phone calls from her and when I asked him if he was still getting calls,he said no. I just need time to get my head and heart together. I am 61 years old,I have no income and will end up with no health insurance and I have to get to where I can stay strong enough to get thru all this. He is not who I thought he was.And never in the laast 7 years did I have any inkling that we had problems.He is the perfect husband, and grandpa on the surface.Im trying to understand how I could be fooled like this and why he came back. Thats my story ,hope the facts help you understand more.Thanks for all your opinions.I need them....
Kasan Posted December 4, 2007 Posted December 4, 2007 I just need time to get my head and heart together. I am 61 years old,I have no income and will end up with no health insurance and I have to get to where I can stay strong enough to get thru all this. I am not sure, but what is it you want? Do you think talking to an attorney to discuss your options might be a good idea? Are you willing to continue in the marriage the way things are?
Author gramsbear Posted December 4, 2007 Author Posted December 4, 2007 I will try to explain ...7 years ago I caught my husband in a parking lot with this woman (girl),he swore to me it was over and he didnt want a divorce.I did alot of checking for a long time and thought it was over.Found no signs. My husband has never been gone at night ,never went to bars,parties,nothing.He was home every night no later then 6pm. In July of this year the girls ex husband called me and told me it was still on.My husband denied everything.The man would call me and talk every so often and I knew from what he was telling me that it was true.I finally asked my husband to give me peace of mind and get me the cell phone records.He has a work issed cell.He kept saying he would ,but didnt.On Sweetest Day I picked up his phone and saw her number on it.I freaked and threw him out 2 days later. He said he just couldnt get away from her.It was my fault cuz I wasnt happy.He had to buy her jewelry because I dont wear it.So on and so on. She and I talked on the phone during this period.Finally he started coming around and said he wanted to come home,although he was still saying he was staying at his sisters house.After checking a few times and not finding his truck,I knew he was stikk playing games.So I went to her house twice.He was hiding his truck but I knew he was there.The second time i went he and her came walking out.I pulled up and said to him...this game is over...who do you want.He had called me from her bed that very night.I also told her all that he was saying and doing to me.He chose to go with me.We agreed he would be honest and he would tell me if he wanted her back.We had some calls from her that weekend and then he said he had calls from her at work.He said he only talked to her twice.I asked him not to have any contact at all and he agreed.Last week she had me served with a ppo for harrassment.even though we had had no contact of any kind for over 12 days.She also lied about 3 of the 4 items in her ppo.I freaked.Asked my husband to get one on her as she was still calling him and he refused and said well you did harrasse her.He asked me not to fight it as he wants this to "go away" so I agreed not to.But she also put a ppo on my daughter in law and lied about her too and she is fighting her PPo. I believe my husband had his gf put the ppos on us as he seems to know alot about ppos.How many calls are considered a threat,the price of having someone served and etdc. When i tell him that the girl lied about my daughter in law,he said well i could have swore that you told me that.....so it sounds as though he told the gf and they are in this ppo together.I also know that he got 2 phone calls from her and when I asked him if he was still getting calls,he said no. I just need time to get my head and heart together. I am 61 years old,I have no income and will end up with no health insurance and I have to get to where I can stay strong enough to get thru all this. He is not who I thought he was.And never in the laast 7 years did I have any inkling that we had problems.He is the perfect husband, and grandpa on the surface.Im trying to understand how I could be fooled like this and why he came back. Thats my story ,hope the facts help you understand more.Thanks for all your opinions.I need them....
Author gramsbear Posted December 4, 2007 Author Posted December 4, 2007 Trying to find out what I want is one of the reasons Im here talking with others who have been where I am right now.
Kasan Posted December 4, 2007 Posted December 4, 2007 GB-- I don't imagine that your husband is going to change a thing, as this has been going on for 7 years. He is making you the reason that he cheated which is bull--He made the choice (decision) to cheat. If it were me, I would seek an attorney's advice on what my options were, so I could make the best decision possible for myself and my dependants. (mother, grandchildren) I see this as extremely important, because he seems to be (from your words) backing his OW. Your writing disturbs me--this is your life, you are going to have to make the hard decisions--what if he decides he wants to make a life with his OW? If a friend came to you with your story, what would you tell her?
Kasan Posted December 4, 2007 Posted December 4, 2007 you here, but I have provided a link for you that you should have a look at. It is about Frances, and her uncovering her husband's eleven year emotional affair. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t115527 Hope this helps you and good luck!
writeon Posted December 4, 2007 Posted December 4, 2007 I will try to explain ...7 years ago I caught my husband in a parking lot with this woman (girl),he swore to me it was over and he didnt want a divorce.I did alot of checking for a long time and thought it was over.Found no signs. My husband has never been gone at night ,never went to bars,parties,nothing.He was home every night no later then 6pm. In July of this year the girls ex husband called me and told me it was still on.My husband denied everything.The man would call me and talk every so often and I knew from what he was telling me that it was true.I finally asked my husband to give me peace of mind and get me the cell phone records.He has a work issed cell.He kept saying he would ,but didnt.On Sweetest Day I picked up his phone and saw her number on it.I freaked and threw him out 2 days later. He said he just couldnt get away from her.It was my fault cuz I wasnt happy.He had to buy her jewelry because I dont wear it.So on and so on. She and I talked on the phone during this period.Finally he started coming around and said he wanted to come home,although he was still saying he was staying at his sisters house.After checking a few times and not finding his truck,I knew he was stikk playing games.So I went to her house twice.He was hiding his truck but I knew he was there.The second time i went he and her came walking out.I pulled up and said to him...this game is over...who do you want.He had called me from her bed that very night.I also told her all that he was saying and doing to me.He chose to go with me.We agreed he would be honest and he would tell me if he wanted her back.We had some calls from her that weekend and then he said he had calls from her at work.He said he only talked to her twice.I asked him not to have any contact at all and he agreed.Last week she had me served with a ppo for harrassment.even though we had had no contact of any kind for over 12 days.She also lied about 3 of the 4 items in her ppo.I freaked.Asked my husband to get one on her as she was still calling him and he refused and said well you did harrasse her.He asked me not to fight it as he wants this to "go away" so I agreed not to.But she also put a ppo on my daughter in law and lied about her too and she is fighting her PPo. I believe my husband had his gf put the ppos on us as he seems to know alot about ppos.How many calls are considered a threat,the price of having someone served and etdc. When i tell him that the girl lied about my daughter in law,he said well i could have swore that you told me that.....so it sounds as though he told the gf and they are in this ppo together.I also know that he got 2 phone calls from her and when I asked him if he was still getting calls,he said no. I just need time to get my head and heart together. I am 61 years old,I have no income and will end up with no health insurance and I have to get to where I can stay strong enough to get thru all this. He is not who I thought he was.And never in the laast 7 years did I have any inkling that we had problems.He is the perfect husband, and grandpa on the surface.Im trying to understand how I could be fooled like this and why he came back. Thats my story ,hope the facts help you understand more.Thanks for all your opinions.I need them.... Hi again gramsbear, thanks for explaining more of your story, it clarifies a lot. For one thing I do not think that your husband is acting like a husband, even on top of the fact that he was cheating on you for 7 years. He blames you for his cheating and refuses to take responsibility for his actions or show you any remorse or regret. You suspect (and you are probably right) that he helped his G/F get PPOs against you and your family members just because you were trying to find out what was going on, because he was lying to you. Even if he didn't help her get them, he took her side over yours when you were understandably upset about it. This is no husband, and I don't know how he will change unless he's willing to go to counseling and/or move far away from the other woman. I would not put up with it (I would at least file for divorce to show him I'm serious... if he moves out and then comes back again, he thinks you're always there as a backup). But I do understand your hard situation. However since you two have been married for 22 years, he will have an obligation to provide you alimony when you're divorced. I agree with Kasan that you should speak to an attorney right away. I would also recommend individual counseling to help you cope. I don't think you are willing to put up with him if he continues to lie to you, put the other woman before you, and see the other woman on the side. I don't mean to be harsh but realistically it seems he will keep doing all of these things unless a huge change is made. Even then, he might still try to get away with it, because as you said, he is not the man you thought he was. It will be hard but it's not too late to have a happy life on your own, not having to worry about his antics. But I don't want to advise you to leave him if you are unsure, it is a big decision of course and only one that you can make. However I'm here to talk to if you want. I feel for you deeply and I'm sorry this is happening to you.
norajane Posted December 4, 2007 Posted December 4, 2007 I just need time to get my head and heart together. I am 61 years old,I have no income and will end up with no health insurance and I have to get to where I can stay strong enough to get thru all this. Talk to a lawyer. You are likely to get alimony, which may be enough to cover your expenses and the cost of health insurance. In a few years, you'll be eligible for Medicare. Or you can be like some couples out there and separate without getting the actual divorce for years - perhaps you can continue to be covered on his health insurance while separated, until you are eligible for Medicare, at which point you can divorce. Your skanky husband owes you at least that for cheating for 7 years!
Frances Posted December 4, 2007 Posted December 4, 2007 Trying to find out what I want is one of the reasons Im here talking with others who have been where I am right now. I got quite a lot oh help from being on this site. It does give you a chance to put down in writing what you are feeling which helps to clear your mind a bit. Also by just reading other peoples stories you can sometimes find solutions, so keep on this site. One of the factors that is bothering you alot is the age factor. As I am nearly the same age I understand this very well. Making life changes at 30,40 or even50 seem possible but at 60 it seems too late. It does not have to be though. Try and work out what situation you would be in financially if you divorce. Over the next while keep your head down and try to find out everything about what your position regarding pension entitlement as this is very important. What are the settlement agreements in your state like? Until you work it out you are thinking I am stuck in this, I have no way out. well you may have more choice than you think. Since working out my financial situation and realizing that he would have to pay alot of maintaince I feel I can afford to take my time making up my mind what I want. In other words because I am not trapped because of money I can work on the other parts of my life. I have chosen to stay for the time being because it suits me to do so. I do not take what suits him as he does not deserve to have that taken into consideration. I know this sounds very cold but until you have a way out you can not be strong. The Heart part has to be put on hold until the head part is dealt with. The emotions are running very deeply but they have to be put aside until you have some chance of dealing with them. I hope I am making some sense. I feel for you and wish you strength/
NoIDidn't Posted December 4, 2007 Posted December 4, 2007 Grams It sounds to me like he helped her get the PPOs on you two to keep you from catching him with her - as you are likely not allowed anywhere near her whether he is there or not. He is playing games, and you are supplying him with his moves. Stop telling him about who you are talking to and they will stop getting PPOs on them as well. AND Fight you PPO without his help. She is lying about it and you need to set the record straight for no one else but yourself. Should you ever be in another legal situation that will be a mark against you that you don't need. Especially if she is lying. I don't advise folks on whether or not they should D because those of us on the outside of the M really have no idea of what is or isn't there between the two partners. Good luck. I hope you do fight the PPO. Check out your H's internet usage. This may help you find out where he and she are getting some of their ideas to gaslight you from. That and get a therapist to help you stay sane during this time. Its a great support system to have in place.
JustBreathe Posted December 4, 2007 Posted December 4, 2007 Write on: In response to your post where you mention that I'm calling the OW mean names, well, I'm sorry, I DO think that any woman who sleeping with a married man, knowing he has been married 22 years and has a family is a skank and a ho. However, I will refrain from using those terms in the future as I respect the people on this board and don't want to offend anyone.
writeon Posted December 4, 2007 Posted December 4, 2007 Write on: In response to your post where you mention that I'm calling the OW mean names, well, I'm sorry, I DO think that any woman who sleeping with a married man, knowing he has been married 22 years and has a family is a skank and a ho. However, I will refrain from using those terms in the future as I respect the people on this board and don't want to offend anyone. Okay but what about the man who has been married for 22 years with a family and who is sleeping with the OW? What do you call him? I understand why you feel that way about the woman, I'm just wondering why it doesn't apply to the man, too, or even more so, since he is the one who took the vows and who is in the marriage?
Author gramsbear Posted December 4, 2007 Author Posted December 4, 2007 Another bit of info,because I am older then him I cannot draw SS until he is at the legal age to get his.He is 57 and 1/2..He also has no pension.We have a IRA that is in his name for about 100,000.He also had a 5 way bipass heart operation in 2000 that failed and has had 10 stents put in since it failed.He is a diabetic.Alimony can only come on his salary if working...Its just so damn scary..
Frances Posted December 5, 2007 Posted December 5, 2007 Another bit of info,because I am older then him I cannot draw SS until he is at the legal age to get his.He is 57 and 1/2..He also has no pension.We have a IRA that is in his name for about 100,000.He also had a 5 way bipass heart operation in 2000 that failed and has had 10 stents put in since it failed.He is a diabetic.Alimony can only come on his salary if working...Its just so damn scary.. Oh gramsbear you have enough on your plate without having an OW to deal with. I do not think a divorce is really a good idea in your case so. I suppose with looking after your mother you are unable to go out to work! You need support to help you get yourself to live in some sort of peace with all this. Have you friends and family around you? What about church? Do you do any walking or some exercise? this would help with the stress. Are you eating well? How are you sleeping? It is very importance you look after yourself. You can only take one day at a time, sometimes its one hour at a time. I am so sorry you are going through this.
Author gramsbear Posted December 5, 2007 Author Posted December 5, 2007 Frances Thank you .I feel as though you know whats going on inside of me. Im working every day to better myself,my situation.I treat my husband with kindness but Im also trying to figure out how i could be so blind.Also why my husband feels as though he had the right to do the things he did. I will write more tomorrrow.
RecordProducer Posted December 5, 2007 Posted December 5, 2007 Gramsbear... :( :( I would give you a big, long hug if I were near you. I can imagine how devastated you must be. You are right that divorcing is not a practical solution. If you had income, you could start from scratch, but you don't have any. On top of that, you say he was a good husband. Indeed, it would resolve the problem if he showed remorse, apologized, and begged you for forgiveness. But he is not doing it. He is acting as if it's no biggie. You have to talk to him and explain rationally how you feel. He seems unable to communicate and completely lacks compassion. Suggest marriage counseling, but don't force him, because he will end up sabotaging it in subtle ways (i.e. lies). Why is he doing this to you? Because he can. Because he knows you won't leave him. Sit him down without any stress and try to talk to him. Be completely honest and ask him to be honest, too. He should make some promises he better keeps them. Play on the man's honor card and let him know how much he hurt you. If he doesn't try to make it up to you, then he is just a selfish jerk. Stay married for financial and other reasons, but in your heart - divorce him. Move on. Find a lover, new friends, go out without him, travel a bit if you can afford it, find new hobbies, discover new passions, get a job, volunteer at a women's center, take care of your kids... Turn to yourself. When he sees that he is losing you, you will be more interesting than the OW. The more you will run away from him the more he will need you! Don't be mean to him; just be disinterested. It will take time, but you will develop the crust on your heart necessary to not feel pain anymore. Believe me, there are plenty of gentlemen out there who would love your company, no matter how insecure you feel about your qualities. I witness my beautiful 58-year old mom saying that she is sick, poor, old, and nobody would need her. Wipe your tears off, put a smile on, become determined to get over him, and turn to yourself. There is still a lot of life ahead of you. He is not important. This is your life, remember that! He can stay in your life as a friend, but not as the love of your life, until he is willing to be only yours. His mistress will dump him eventually or he will dump her; but he will never have your love as pure and kind as it used to be. Some day, he may end up in a wheel chair or very ill. You seem to be healthier than he is. I hope his young mistress leaves her husband and comes to take care of him. Because YOU won't!
Frances Posted December 5, 2007 Posted December 5, 2007 Frances Thank you .I feel as though you know whats going on inside of me. Im working every day to better myself,my situation.I treat my husband with kindness but Im also trying to figure out how i could be so blind.Also why my husband feels as though he had the right to do the things he did. I will write more tomorrrow. Do not beat yourself up about not knowing what was going on. I am amazed how I did not find out over all the years. We trust them which I suppose was foolish in hindsight but why would you marry someone if you think you have to watch them for signs of unfaithfullness. I feel 50 is a dangerous time particulary for men (for women it seems 40) from what I have observed over the years. Be kind to yourself
LucreziaBorgia Posted December 5, 2007 Posted December 5, 2007 The very worst thing you could do to OW is let her have him. Can you imagine? She would be stuck with an older man in poor health, who will never have a pot to piss in because he will be busy having every last dollar squeezed out of him to support the family he abandoned. OW will end up working to pay your alimony if she ends up with him. Imagine that. She thinks he is a prize? Wait until she finds out that he will be the mother of all burdens when he moves in with her. When he sinks, she will be dragged down with him. Honestly, I would seriously consider seeing a lawyer. You have a lot more options that you think, and hold far more cards in this deal than you know.
marriedwrongwoman Posted December 5, 2007 Posted December 5, 2007 I can see it from his side of things, I have been married for over 20 yrs, we have been together for about 35 yrs, we have no children together, she has 3 and I have 1 which she doesn't know about and was conceieve since we have been married, we both have had affairs yet we don't want a D, I know she loves me, and I love her as a friend and find comfort in knowing she will always be there because she does love me, now I know this may seem cold to many of you, but it's just how it is, my wife complains and nags all the time expects me to work in and outside of the home, while she never worked outside of the home, yet I have to support allof her children and there children and friends our home is always filled with the kids friends which I have to feed, and come home to a mess all the time, while she sits an reads,watches soaps or is on the puter,So looking for love outside of marriage when you was never really in love is what it is, she has never really supported me, someone or something always came first, I suppose one day one of us will find the courage to end this, but it certainly won't be me, she allows me to have a gf, and allows me to spend our money and time with her I do, why would I change anything, I can have the gf, still have my comfort zone at home, where all I need to be is a body, don't have to be there emotionally,the gf wants nothing but the time we have together we have been seeing each other for 10yrs, she spends her money how she wants, and we see each other everyday and we are there for each other emotionally and we give each other what we need, she doesn't nag me, and her home is just the 2 of us something I never got at home and never will. At home I am expected to share everything, watch what they want on tv, it's just there was never the 2 people starting a life, we was instance family doing this for that one and that for this one,sometimes a man needs to feel as the king in his castle instead of a paycheck or atm
Author gramsbear Posted December 5, 2007 Author Posted December 5, 2007 Record producer,You have put into words what I feel I want to do.I would hurt my family by leaving and gain nothing in return.So I intend to live every day as complelety as I can and make sure they have a good life.They are with us because we both commited to help them and Im not going to let pride make me fail them.They already know that he failed them,they dont need to lose their home and security also. BTW she already divorced her husband 2 years ago.And in one of her calls to me she said "your sitting there with your husband and your family and Im here alone with 4 walls".She believed every lie he told her and boy there was alot,but she also said shes not going to let go,so I know Im in for more crap.from both of them.Thanks for everything...
Recommended Posts