how can you recover from an 11 year emotional affair

[Frances]

I am trying to recover from an emotional affair which lasted 11 years and since it finished there have been a few emails. The affair finished March 2005 I only found out about it by chance. He left his email open last summer (he often does that) and before closing it I glanced at the mail saw one that I thought odd and opened it. It is his personel account, he also has a work one. If it was on his work one I would not have noticed it being different .

To say I was shocked is mild. I was devastated and still am after 8 months. I trusted my husband for all the 34 years we have been married.

She lives in the USA and we live in Europe. They met March 1994 at a conference in the US she confided details in him of a very personel nature and they kept in contact by email. Over the years they met up 4 other times at confererences the last being March 2005. He helped her with her work for a while which helped her keep her job. If it had ended there and he had told me about her it would have been fine. They became closer over the years and it finshed March 2005 before they had crossed over to a sexual affair. I know all this as after I found the first email which referred to 1998 I searched everywhere I could to find information and boy did I find it. He had not deleted her emails or least there was enough for me to find out what went on. They also contacted each other by telephone now and again from about 1999.

The affair is over but for me it has just begun. I have tried talking to him about it but without much success. I have not told him I know as much as I do, so he thinks he I am okay. The reason I am keeping quiet to the extent of what I know is that we have 2 family weddings this summer and I do not want to rain on their parade. My problem at the the moment is to get through the next six months living with him knowing what I do and not being able to deal with it until the weddings of our son and daughter are over.

[silktricks]

Did your husband speak to the woman of love, etc. Or was it more of a friendship? My H's EA lasted for about a year, and that was devastating. I don't know what I would have done had it been as long as 11 YEARS.

 

Is he at all remorseful about his duplicity?

 

Is it still going on in any form?

[lorr]

What on earth would possess you to stay with a cheating hubby for 11 years?

Please don't say because of the kids, because that line is getting old and tired.

 

Your hubby has been taking you for a complete mug and you've just put up with it. Are you even sure if the affair is truly over? I can guarantee that your hubby was not thinking about you whilst he was getting it on with the OW. If I were you I would grow some balls and get rid...

[outofdarkness]

What on earth would possess you to stay with a cheating hubby for 11 years?

Please don't say because of the kids, because that line is getting old and tired.

 

Your hubby has been taking you for a complete mug and you've just put up with it. Are you even sure if the affair is truly over? I can guarantee that your hubby was not thinking about you whilst he was getting it on with the OW. If I were you I would grow some balls and get rid...

We all have our reasons for staying...and not everyone will understand or respect us for doing it...My H had A's for 10 years, and yes, I am still married to him...

[Frances]

What on earth would possess you to stay with a cheating hubby for 11 years?

Please don't say because of the kids, because that line is getting old and tired.

 

Your hubby has been taking you for a complete mug and you've just put up with it. Are you even sure if the affair is truly over? I can guarantee that your hubby was not thinking about you whilst he was getting it on with the OW. If I were you I would grow some balls and get rid...

 

 

I did'nt know anything about this until last summer so I am only dealing with it after the affair was finished for over a year. Yes it is over, I check all his emails now and he does not phone her as her number is now changed. I have checked this. He does not consider that he had an affair as they did'nt have sex. I know it was an affair. They became close over the years but because of the miles different it stopped it them having a sexual affair. I feel if they had seen each other a lot he would have realized sooner that he was getting into deep waters. Believe me I know alot about the man and he would not have had a sexual affair very easly. In fact when it came to it he withdrew. I have read most of the emails that he and her sent over the years, I also know when he was out of the country, I have checked his passport. She has only been to Europe once.

 

Until the weddings are over I cannot deal with him as when I do I have to be prepared to split. I also have to put things in order to secure things for myself financially.

[Frances]

Did your husband speak to the woman of love, etc. Or was it more of a friendship? My H's EA lasted for about a year, and that was devastating. I don't know what I would have done had it been as long as 11 YEARS.

 

Is he at all remorseful about his duplicity?

 

Is it still going on in any form?

 

It was a friendship for most of the time and developed into him thinking he was falling in love with her. That was when he finshed it. As there was no sex he does not believe it was an affair. There have been very few emails since it ended, only the odd one which would only be just keeping in touch as old friends.

 

I do not know if he is remorseful as we have not fully dealt with it and as I said I will not until after the weddings. As a mother I do not think I have any right to spoil things for them at this time.

[lorr]

It really is sad to hear! Do you believe that your marriage can be saved? Or are you considering to split from him?Is he willing to work things out? How does he still feel about the OW?

[Frances]

We all have our reasons for staying...and not everyone will understand or respect us for doing it...My H had A's for 10 years, and yes, I am still married to him...

 

 

How long did it take you to find out about the affair? How did you cope when you found out? How long did it take you to live with the fact?

 

My problem is how to sleep at night and to stop thinking about it all the time. It has taken me over and although I try to go on as if nothing has happened and not let anyone see what is going on with me I just feel sad most of the time. I feel I am acting a part and only now and then I am myself .

[Frances]

It really is sad to hear! Do you believe that your marriage can be saved? Or are you considering to split from him?Is he willing to work things out? How does he still feel about the OW?

 

 

 

From what I gather he may still feel something for her but is not going to act on it. The last message he sent her was Christmas greetings. He thinks things are okay with us, he has no idea what is going on in my head. We have a lot of history together a lot of kids. I want to get stronger to be able to deal with him.

[outofdarkness]

How long did it take you to find out about the affair? How did you cope when you found out? How long did it take you to live with the fact?

 

My problem is how to sleep at night and to stop thinking about it all the time. It has taken me over and although I try to go on as if nothing has happened and not let anyone see what is going on with me I just feel sad most of the time. I feel I am acting a part and only now and then I am myself .

I'm still not "over it". You never really forget, but you can forgive....The forgiving part is really for yourself and sort of sets you free. The A's lasted over 10 years, with the main OW being there during the entire 10 years. There were others inbetween, but she was the main one. It's been 2.5 years now, and I very rarely get angry anymore, but still get sad and depressed on occasion. I have some healthy tools now to cope w/ these feelings. Can't say that I use them 100 percent of the time, but I do have them. We are also still in part time couples couns. and I am in IC...He goes to two different ICs and also a support group onces a week. It takes ALOT of work and is definately draining and takes it's toll.

 

If both parties are willing to try and give it their all, there can be many rewards to staying in the M. Of course, the R has to have had a solid foundation to begin w/ or the willingness on both sides to BUILD a new and healthier foundation. Many times, problems were there when the couple actually tied the knot and do not surface until a big jolt like this forces them into MC...

As far as having alot of history together, kids, ect. I know how this is...My H and have been together for over 25 years, M for 21 or those..Unfortunately, just having history together does not make a M work. There has to be trust, respect, compassion, and a host of other things to keep it going. If your H contacted his OW as recently as Xmas, I would be leery of his intentions. AND...I would be very hurt. He needs totally break contact and be willing to do whatever it takes for you to be able to trust him again. Some of the things might seem trivial or meaningless to him, but if he really wants the M to work, he'll do whatever it takes to show you that he is no longer involved with OW...

 

For more detailed info, you can PM me?? I would love to help...

[silktricks]

It was a friendship for most of the time and developed into him thinking he was falling in love with her. That was when he finshed it.

That's the problem with e-mail/long distance "friendships". The real person isn't anywhere involved in the communication and as a result the person they are communicating with can hold all of the qualities that are missing in their real relationship. Whatever problems (both minor and major) your husband may have had with you were not in the fantasy he had woven around the other woman.

 

As there was no sex he does not believe it was an affair.

This was similar to what my H believed at first. He actually didn't face what he had done until he saw the level of pain that I was in over his actions. Facing it was almost undoubtedly the hardest thing he had ever done, at which point he (also) became severely depressed and suicidal.

 

Your husband needs to face and understand the damage that his actions have caused. I realize that you don't want to damage your children's time, but hiding your feelings from your husband is in essence doing the same thing that he did. It's lying/hiding to make things easier.

 

IF you are interested in saving your marriage, then you need to deal with him from a place of total honesty. You don't need to blow up the family, or ruin your children's marriages, but you do need to deal with your husband and the problems in your marriage.

 

There have been very few emails since it ended, only the odd one which would only be just keeping in touch as old friends.

 

How did you find out about it, and how did you manage to read all of the e-mails from an 11 year friendship/EA?

 

I do not know if he is remorseful as we have not fully dealt with it and as I said I will not until after the weddings. As a mother I do not think I have any right to spoil things for them at this time.

You don't need to make this a family blow-up, but you do (IMHO) need to begin to deal with your husband about the level of pain you are in over his daliance and deception.

 

If you'd like to PM me, I will try to help out. Your marriage does not need to be over, unless you want it to be. Marital problems can be worked on and resolved. As OOD says, it takes a lot of work, and a lot of time, but the end result can be good.

 

(It's been 3 years since I found out about my H's EA, like your husbands, his was a long/distance one with a couple meetings, and like husband's there was no sex.)

[tommyr]

Did I miss something? Mostly email, a couple phone calls, rare in-person encounters at a work function, NO sexual acts or words. So far, their 11 year "relationship" sounds alot like mine with about 2 dozen various friends, mostly male but a few female too.

 

Then, around March '05 he discovers his feelings are getting stronger so he somehow "ends it" meanwhile you know nothing. A few more emails continue to be exchanged. Then you "find out" in Summer '06 and since THEN no contact at all.

 

Seriously, what the heck did you forget to tell us about which compels you to leave him?

[Frances]

If that was all it was would I be thinking of breaking up for nothing.

 

There where quite a number of phone calls and regular emails and the last few years ones far too close for just friends. The infrequent meetings where conferences which lasted a few days or even up to two weeks at a time. There have been only the odd emails since 2005 but up to that it was a few a week. I read about 200 emails and in all those I was never mentioned, all my kids and his sisters and brothers and friends, her family and her dead husband but not one about me, is that not strange if they were only friends? There where expressions which indicated falling in love.

 

All this time I felt something was wrong but could not put my finger on it, he was distant from me and I could not understand why. I tried to get him to go somewhere for help with us but he would not hear of it. Made me feel as if I was imagining things.

[Frances]

Silktricks

(How did you find out about it, and how did you manage to read all of the e-mails from an 11 year friendship/EA?)

 

He does not delete his email very often. He keeps folders and when I discovered her name and nick name it was easy to go through it. He also keeps copies of some of the emails he sends. I still have not read them all as he also has another email address which I can not access but which I know there are emails from her as she mentioned about sending ones to the other account. He only started the one I found the first email in, in 2000 and none of hers where on that account until after 2004.

 

To find the information I have done things I am not proud of. I have become a bit of a detective since last summer.

 

I know I am not being honest with him, each time I brought this up he went into a rage and going on at me for reading his email. I can'nt deal with him and think I will just have to wait until I am in the position to leave when I do.

 

What is pm?

[outofdarkness]

Silktricks

(How did you find out about it, and how did you manage to read all of the e-mails from an 11 year friendship/EA?)

 

He does not delete his email very often. He keeps folders and when I discovered her name and nick name it was easy to go through it. He also keeps copies of some of the emails he sends. I still have not read them all as he also has another email address which I can not access but which I know there are emails from her as she mentioned about sending ones to the other account. He only started the one I found the first email in, in 2000 and none of hers where on that account until after 2004.

 

To find the information I have done things I am not proud of. I have become a bit of a detective since last summer.

 

I know I am not being honest with him, each time I brought this up he went into a rage and going on at me for reading his email. I can'nt deal with him and think I will just have to wait until I am in the position to leave when I do.

 

What is pm?

PM is private message...you should have the capability by now, I think..Just go to your profile and you should see how to set it up there...

[Frances]

Checked and I cannot access PM yet.

 

Thanks for your replys. I would like to find a support group to attend but so far have been unable to find one in my area.

 

I know I have to get over it and carry on as best I can. I am keeping active and have some periods of the day that I do not think about it.

 

How long was it before you stopped being angry? Sometimes I want to belt him with a bat to try and knock sense into him. He really does not understand the hurt he has caused me. He carrys on as if nothing has happened and I am going along with him for the time being but it is eating away at me. We went to see a funny film last night and he held my hand during it. I am asking myself am I mad.

[AmazinglyDeceived]

Hi,

 

I'm new and will try not to step on toes. Last Saturday while my H of 15 years was at an overnight party, the cell phone bill arrrived and I glanced through it. I rarely do this unless he goes over minutes and then I say "Okay, who were you calling after a few drinks?" I noticed an out-of-state number which was familiar as a few months ago H had a 133 minute conversation at about 2am to the same number. I got on-line and downloaded the past 18 months of cell bill records and noticed the frequency of calls to that number, including 3 on my birthday and a lengthy one on Valentine's Day.

 

I called him at the party and asked about the number. H told me it was a college chum (same thing he told me months ago when I asked about the 2+ hour long chat). H told me "her" name and said she was married. I got the names and googled. Then I found the couple's wedding pictures. And who's in the wedding party, but my H! And he is NOT wearing his wedding ring.

 

I confronted my H and he said he didn't think I would "allow" him a female friend. Which to those who know me is absurd. I am friends with several of my past boyfriends and my H is completely aware of any dealings I have with them. We have no children and enjoy what I thought was a trusting relationship. We travel together and we travel separately (H to NASCAR and I to Broadway).

 

That all happened last Saturday on 3/18. On 3/19, I telephoned the woman and couldn't get her to STOP talking. She told me they had been college friends and lost touch until right before their 10-year reunion when she had tracked him down. This was in 1996 and we had been married a mere 4 years and were trying to start a family (which never happened).

 

I never heard of this person and after some digging, my H confessed that in college for a short time (months) they had been physically intimate. All that was well before I met him. However, for the past 10 years my H has been pals with this woman. He never told anyone about her (not mutual friends nor his family). He calls her to talk about racing, music, etc. They both assure me that nothing physical has been going on since they reconnected in 1996.

 

The woman says that at one point when they were going to send out the wedding invitation, they all (my H, her fiance, and her) discussed if they should send the invite to our home. My H said "no." This is her 3rd marriage.

 

My H and I have talked a little about things and he says I am making more out this than is necessary. Neither one intends to give up the friendship. I am left accepting the fact that my H has had a meaninful relationship for the past 10 years and I knew nothing about it.

 

I feel betrayed, humiliated, and sad, as a W, but mostly because I believed my H and I were friends. My mind can accept that he enjoyed talking to someone who remembered him as he was in college. If I could go back to a few of those years if just for a little, I would, so I get that. I even get that maybe in the beginning it was no big thing, so a friend from college called him at work and he talked. Over the years, the frequency grew and he visits her (a few states away) when he's nearby for other things (we frequent that area as that is where we met and we have several other friends there).

 

What I don't get is that at some point, this has become "sneaking" because over the last 10 years I can't believe their phone calls have been so planned that they did not interrupt my marriage. The same can be said for the times he visited her. "So, what did you do on your trip." "Nothing much, just the usual, visited the gang."

 

I'm one of those crazy loyal people who will directly tell you when you are being absurd, but I won't allow those who are not your friends to do so. Not only did I never cheat on my H, but it goes beyond my moral code to even contemplate such a thing. I believe I was naive to think my H could be my friend. When I told him I will be executing a document to remove him from all responsibility for my physical well-being, he nearly cried. He told me he would never let anything bad happen to me. I told him he not only let it happen, he was the direct cause of it.

 

Right now, I will work on my marriage, but in actuality I believe I am prepping for when I will make the decision to leave. I'm not a stupid person, but I feel totally duped by my H. I am also usually happy and these past few days have been filled with sadness. I'm withdrawing and guarded about what I reveal of my "self". The options I see are to "put him on a leash" (which was suggested by the other woman) or to quit caring. Neither option appeals to me in the long run.

 

I only wish I had known this years ago when I was younger and could have started over earlier. I resent not having all the information on which I could make my life choices. Technically, my H did nothing to violate our marriage vows. In reality, he violated my trust and love as a person.

 

Is my M worth saving? I don't know because I don't know what my M is since the last 10 years are now clouded. I believed we would grow old together. I never had a plan B.

 

Thank you for letting me vent. As for revenge...if we part, I'm getting the NFL tickets. I'm sure it won't bother him to think I'm at the game with anyone else.

 

Amazingly Deceived

[silktricks]

Is my M worth saving?

 

you are the only person who can answer that question.

[silktricks]

{snip}

How long was it before you stopped being angry? Sometimes I want to belt him with a bat to try and knock sense into him. He really does not understand the hurt he has caused me.

{snip}

I am asking myself am I mad.

I constantly obsessed for about a year. The 2nd year it started to recede. I'm now at the end of the 3rd year, and it rarely comes into my mind.

 

I did not ever protect my H from what was going on with me. He got front row and center all of the rage, pain and despair that I felt. He also got slugged in the face once.

 

You aren't mad as in crazy, but you are mad as in desperately angry!!

[PinkShorts]

You are a total pushover. Letting it go now will make it easier for him to do it again later. 11 years? He doesn't think much about your marriage if he even really wants to remain married at all if it wasn't for familial or societal obligations.

[outofdarkness]

Checked and I cannot access PM yet.

 

Thanks for your replys. I would like to find a support group to attend but so far have been unable to find one in my area.

 

I know I have to get over it and carry on as best I can. I am keeping active and have some periods of the day that I do not think about it.

 

How long was it before you stopped being angry? Sometimes I want to belt him with a bat to try and knock sense into him. He really does not understand the hurt he has caused me. He carrys on as if nothing has happened and I am going along with him for the time being but it is eating away at me. We went to see a funny film last night and he held my hand during it. I am asking myself am I mad.

For me, the first year after D day was the toughest and most draining. The second year was better but still some anger and lots of depression and self blame. Now am half way into third year and things are much better. As I said before, I still get sad and depressed now, but the anger just rears it's ugly head once in a blue moon...Thank Goodness b/c it would have killed me to have stayed that angry for so long. I feel for you..Be patient and do find some support. I have yet to find a support group for this particular issue, but have found some wonderful support through our church; totally discreet and understanding and trained people, and also through IC...Hope this helps. I would love to start something just for BW..

[Frances]

Went to church today and listened to the sermon which was on "let the first one without sin caste the first stone" The priest spoke about mercy and how it is not about forgetting the sin or justice but forgiving it. I was with my h and was hoping he was taking it in. It has made me think and I intend having some sort of closure on this whole affair. Life is too short for me to keep working out revenge in my head all the time. I am going to try and look at the glass half full instead of half empty.

 

I also came across a list of rules by Kris and Marty Franklin that couples need to learn to fight fair and I have posted it up on the kitchen board and have asked him to read it. I need him to take heed of it so that I can discuss what happened and how it has affected both of us without fear of him going into a rage. I am not afraid of him phisically but I can't stand his raised voice and anger and his sulks.

 

From what you have both said it starts to ease slightly into the second year which for me will be in four months time.

[silktricks]

From what you have both said it starts to ease slightly into the second year which for me will be in four months time.

 

I don't know that it will be the same for you, as both OOD and I dealt very directly with our husbands regarding our feelings over what they had done. The pain doesn't just go away on its own, it has to be dealt with in order for improvement to be made. If it simply starts to subside, I'm afraid that's not so much healing as avoidance. Then it just goes underground and will probably raise its ugly head elsewhere and elsewise.

 

Good luck.

[Scrivdog]

-- never mind

[jmargel]

I would highly suggest marriage counseling. Sounds like your communication in our marriage from both of you were severly lacking. Though what he did was wrong, I can guarnatee in those 11 years that you were not perfect as well.

 

Though he should have been confiding in you with the things he was telling her, the lack of communication between you caused this to happen.

 

There is something 'missing' in your marriage. That bond that you two once had. It's upto you both now to determine to find the cause of this and either fix it or leave. However you can't fix this on your own, you'll need someone who can help you two through this.