Husband not interested in sex but watches porn all the time

[michaelk]

Not everyone would agree with you on that. And those who don't, have as much right to their belief as you do.

 

Yes, of course they do. I never said otherwise, I simply expressed my personal opinion.

 

I'm trying to help her by pointing out that she can focus on the "porn is bad" angle, but she'll be overlooking the underlying cause of her marital problems, and ultimately things will only get worse.

[Ladyjane14]

I'm trying to help her by pointing out that she can focus on the "porn is bad" angle, but she'll be overlooking the underlying cause of her marital problems, and ultimately things will only get worse.

 

We don't know that porn isn't the underlying cause of her marital problems though. JamesM has given us a VERY GOOD post describing how porn can indeed be causal in the lack of emotional/sexual intimacy within the marital construct. This hasn't been ruled out yet.

[michaelk]

Totally wrong based on years of research...not mine. I am going to go against the grain and say that...porn IS the problem and NOT the symptom. Truthfully, it makes ME mad when I hear that his addiction is being somehow made your problem. It is his problem...and I say that as a guy who has dealt with such a problem. Porn use that is done occasionally and not done as a replacement for a wife may be somehow considered okay, but porn as the only way a man can "enjoy" sex is not okay....it is the mistress.

 

It most certainly is not because he has some unusual high sex drive. If that were the case, the he would still want sex with his wife. Porn is not some biological urge we men all have. As a guy who has watched plenty of porn and know that the more you watch, the more you want, I can say that when you quit watching it, then you become more attracted to real women and less attracted to the sexually hungry gorgeous unreal women in porn. Research has shown this to be true with most men.

 

When a married man places his porn ahead of intimacy with his wife, then he has an addiction. Porn is not a substitute for his lack of attraction for his wife. It is a replacement for his wife. If he masturbates to porn when a willing woman is waiting, then his enjoyment comes from the "easy" and non-participatory sex in porn versus the interactive lovemaking with a real woman.

 

What type of porn does he watch? Is it men/men or women/women or is it just straight sex? You cannot compete with the variety that is shown in porn. This is not a failure on your part. It is simply his addiction.

 

It seems rather absurd to me that if you somehow have the proper attitude for his porn, then your marriage will be all better. And supposedly you must feel guilty for your "snooping" when it was/is only done because you knew that something was wrong with your marriage.

 

Porn which couples watch together and which enriches the marriage can be considered "not bad," but when we start calling porn which REPLACES the sex within a marriage "not bad," we are missing the mark completely.

 

Above all, when we have porn which must be kept a secret from our wives because we know that it is more important to us than sex with our wife, then there is a problem. Call it addiction, or call it simply a habit, but if it becomes the "mistress," then we as men and husbands are cheating...plain and simple. And another thing, it is also "known" that when men watch hours of porn, they have a much harder time at keeping an erection during lovemaking. They NEED the viewing of porn to keep them excited.

 

You have a right to be hurt, mad and frustrated. My best suggestion is marriage counseling and hopefully addiction counseling for him. Do not settle with the idea that somehow this is your problem and not his. Do not settle with the idea that he watches porn because he has some medical condition that he has no control over. No, from what you say in your story, he has an addiction to porn that only he can overcome.

 

First, I explicitly said it was NOT okay for it to be a substitute for sex with his wife. However, I stand by my statement that it is not bad generally.

 

Second, you choose to see the porn as pulling him away from his wife. I believe it is quite the reverse. I know from personal experience that when there are problems in a marriage and the man is unhappy, negative feelings can push him away from intimacy. Under those circumstances, when his sex drive is still intact, he can easily fall back on porn as a means of release.

 

She can try to treat the porn as the problem, but chances are she's just going to alienate him further and he'll feel even less desire to be intimate with her than he does now.

[michaelk]

We don't know that porn isn't the underlying cause of her marital problems though. JamesM has given us a VERY GOOD post describing how porn can indeed be causal in the lack of emotional/sexual intimacy within the marital construct. This hasn't been ruled out yet.

 

She's soliciting advice on her problem. I have provided advice based on my personal experience. You don't have to agree with me. Everyone's experiences and opinions are different. That's what you get when you come to LS.

[JamesM]

First, I explicitly said it was NOT okay for it to be a substitute for sex with his wife. However, I stand by my statement that it is not bad generally.

 

Second, you choose to see the porn as pulling him away from his wife. I believe it is quite the reverse. I know from personal experience that when there are problems in a marriage and the man is unhappy, negative feelings can push him away from intimacy. Under those circumstances, when his sex drive is still intact, he can easily fall back on porn as a means of release.

 

She can try to treat the porn as the problem, but chances are she's just going to alienate him further and he'll feel even less desire to be intimate with her than he does now.

 

Whenever it replaces sex in a marriage or is not desired by the partner, then it is not good for the marriage. If in general, you think it is okay for guys to use occasionally while the wife is away and not available or if used by sible men, then I grant you that I will agree.

 

When we read her post, it is rather obvious that the porn is pulling him away from her. It is not a matter of her not wanting sex, no, it is always about him not wanting sex. Very few men push away sex continually because of negative feelings and then immediately go use porn after she leaves.

 

If he no longer desires her because she is not attractive, then I think either his mindset has changed or she has changed physically considerably. But when I read this statement by her.....

 

Having said that, we used to be going at it like rabbits when we were first going out and no, I haven't changed much. Older, yes, but not changed much.

 

...I do not see that as the problem.

 

From every aspect of her story, porn seems to be the issue. By her accepting his porn use so that she does not alienate him is like asking the wife of an alcohol addict to accept his alcohol, so that she does not alienate him. Meanwhile, he has no responsibility for his actions and she simply enables his addiction. I personally watched a man whom I admired fall apart from the addiction of alcohol while his wife watched. Tiptoeing around an addict solves nothing. We cannot ask her to stuff her feelings so that he can have his mistress porn.

 

NO, the more I read, the more I see....porn is a problem. While one could say that it is a symptom of a man who has ED or who has lost desire for his wife, I don't see the evidence.

 

Just my opinion.

[michaelk]

It is not a matter of her not wanting sex, no, it is always about him not wanting sex. Very few men push away sex continually because of negative feelings and then immediately go use porn after she leaves.

 

I don't have to look far for a counter-example to this assertion. When my M was on the rocks, this is exactly how I was. I didn't want sex with my W, and when she asked for it, I'd go limp. I don't buy that this is some sort of exceptional behavior. I mean, who would want to have sex with someone you're feeling resentment or anger towards?

[Ladyjane14]

While one could say that it is a symptom of a man who has ED or who has lost desire for his wife, I don't see the evidence.

 

I still think she'd so well to rule out ED, James.

 

I'm not a guy, but I can imagine that a man who's experiencing a loss of function might become more reliant on porn and self-stimulation. There's no performance anxiety, no fear of failure.

 

I can see the possibility of a little "Chicken or the Egg" in this. Does the porn lead to the sexual dysfunction or does the sexual dysfunction lead to the porn?

[JamesM]

I don't have to look far for a counter-example to this assertion. When my M was on the rocks, this is exactly how I was. I didn't want sex with my W, and when she asked for it, I'd go limp. I don't buy that this is some sort of exceptional behavior. I mean, who would want to have sex with someone you're feeling resentment or anger towards?

 

Good point. I should say that whenever I have felt resentment or anger for my wife, then I can say that this did not prevent me from wanting sex. I cannot speak for every man. Although from what I have read here, sex is usually not the problem for men...it is the problem for women. But you are right...some men could avoid sex if angry.

 

I think between the responses given here, the OP has four things to look at.....

 

Erectile Dysfunction

Marital conflict

Lack of Attraction

Overuse of Porn

 

While I have made it clear what I think based on comments she has made (and length of marriage, age of husband, etc), I can see that some may have a different opinion. And of course, I could be wrong. Arguing a point will not solve her problem.

 

The best solution for investigating which of these is the reason for the lack of sexual interest by her husband is simply for her to schedule marriage counseling. In MC, it is quite likely that a good counselor could open up both the husband and the wife and bring out the reasons. Then solutions can be given and the marriage can move forward.

[JamesM]

I still think she'd so well to rule out ED, James.

 

Does the porn lead to the sexual dysfunction or does the sexual dysfunction lead to the porn?

 

I agree, LJ. And it is an interesting question....which came first?

 

But I am guessing that a counselor could get both to open up and reveal what is at the root of the problem.

[michaelk]

I think between the responses given here, the OP has four things to look at.....

 

Erectile Dysfunction

Marital conflict

Lack of Attraction

Overuse of Porn

 

...

 

The best solution for investigating which of these is the reason for the lack of sexual interest by her husband is simply for her to schedule marriage counseling. In MC, it is quite likely that a good counselor could open up both the husband and the wife and bring out the reasons. Then solutions can be given and the marriage can move forward.

 

 

I absolutely agree.

[magzye]

Thanks folks for the analysis. What James, Michael and Jane have just said sure makes lots of sense. I've thought over the issues and I think it could be a case of a little bit of everything.

 

I don't have any marital conflict, as far as I know. The only resentment my husband might have that i could think of is him thinking that I might be having an affair, which I don't and never did. When I said I was away for 2 months, it was work-related and not due to any separation or arguments.

 

As for lack of attraction, this could very well be true as well. He said I'm the cute, lovable wife type but not the sexy kind. I agree this is true but deep inside I think this itself is a result of overdose of porn. A woman you live with and see everyday will never be sexy enough to be compared to women in porn. He can say I'm not sexy but I say I won't have problem getting sex elsewhere if I want to.

 

ED is a possibility because we started having less sex when he had problem finishing off. It's really like the chicken or egg situation Jane brought up. Was it a case of him not being able to finish because of too much porn, or he turned to porn because of ED? I really have no idea.

 

I agree that we probably should go for counseling but I'm afraid getting him to agree that we have a problem might take some time and lots of effort. Meanwhile, I'll stick to my plan of not giving him any chance of checking out porn and secondly, to increase our sex activity, be it with or without him doing anything. If he refuses, I'm thinking I might delete all the porn in his computer. It might cause a war but I guess we need just that.

[JamesM]

Thanks folks for the analysis.

 

I don't have any marital conflict, as far as I know.

 

As for lack of attraction, this could very well be true as well. He said I'm the cute, lovable wife type but not the sexy kind. I agree this is true but deep inside I think this itself is a result of overdose of porn.

 

ED is a possibility because we started having less sex when he had problem finishing off.

 

I agree that we probably should go for counseling but I'm afraid getting him to agree that we have a problem might take some time and lots of effort. Meanwhile, I'll stick to my plan of not giving him any chance of checking out porn and secondly, to increase our sex activity, be it with or without him doing anything. If he refuses, I'm thinking I might delete all the porn in his computer. It might cause a war but I guess we need just that.

 

You are welcome. And good analysis from you as well.

 

I would not try to avoid MC because it will be difficult getting him there. This may be the best way for resolution.

 

As for keeping him from porn or deleting his stash, I think Michael and others would agree with me when I say that this will not help the situation. In fact, it will make it worse. If you were my wife and I was addicted to porn, then I would not suddenly become sexually interested in you. Fact is...I would be angry and look elsewhere for sex. No, I think either an open discussion with him or MC will be the best way. Deleting porn will be counterproductive IMO.

[michaelk]

I agree that we probably should go for counseling but I'm afraid getting him to agree that we have a problem might take some time and lots of effort. Meanwhile, I'll stick to my plan of not giving him any chance of checking out porn and secondly, to increase our sex activity, be it with or without him doing anything. If he refuses, I'm thinking I might delete all the porn in his computer. It might cause a war but I guess we need just that.

 

You're unwilling to face the task of getting him into counseling, so instead you're going to manipulate him to get him away from the porn, or even delete his porn and face the conflict that will surely cause??? I'm sorry, but this just seems to me like you (and he) are not going to deal with your issues head on. This doesn't seem constructive, and I can't imagine it going well.

[magzye]

Before I can get us into counseling, I have to get him to admit that we have a problem.

 

Will I be able to get him to admit the problem today? Knowing him, not a chance. Tomorrow? No way either. Next week? Unlikely.

 

You can say that I'm avoiding but really, do a search about porn here on LS and you'll see how difficult it is to get our spouse to admit the problem. I can nag him till no ends or quarrel with him everyday till he surrenders but really, is that a constructive approach?

 

What I'm trying to say is, I can talk to him tonight but I can't see him agreeing with me. Give him a ultimatum? I think he'll just shut off from me. So what else can I do? Run away from home?

 

Seriously, when you guys said, get him into counseling, what exactly do you mean I should do?

 

I apologize if I sound rude but really, I'm at my wits end.

[JamesM]

Seriously, when you guys said, get him into counseling, what exactly do you mean I should do?

 

I apologize if I sound rude but really, I'm at my wits end.

 

You are not rude, and we are here for help.

 

Even though I think porn may be the problem or at least one of the problems, this is not what YOU really have a problem with. Truthfully, the lack of sexual intimacy is what caused you to realize that you have a problem.

 

This is how you get him to MC.

 

You will need to communicate to him that you miss the sexual intimacy that seems to be lacking. You mention nothing of the porn use that you suspect. He will close up immediately if he thinks that this is only about his porn use. No, this is about your closeness to him. It is about the decrease in sex.

 

Simply tell him that you are worried about your marriage. You do not know what is causing the drifting apart, but you think that the two of you need to see a counselor for solutions. "Please...this is important to me, because YOU are important to me. I love you and if we do not discover why we have lost this closeness and sexual intimacy, I am afraid that I will lose you. And I don't want that to happen."

 

Just some ideas. Timing is important. If he is not a morning person, please don't spring this on him then. If he is not a night owl, then don't tell him late in the evening. It may be necessary to plan an evening out or it may mean that you do it when you get a chance while watching TV. You know best when he is most receptive. Remember, this is about persuasion...not browbeating. You cannot pull him to MC, but you can gently push him.

[michaelk]

Very good advice, James. That's how I would approach it if I were her.

[magzye]

I've tried slowly talking to him but he's basically saying the reasons he has not been interested are:

 

- Me, the wife, has not been "working hard" on the sex part, which I admit is true to a certain extent. Our routine used to be consisting of him working hard for the most part. I'm now trying to "work" more.

 

- Lack of stamina on his part. He said he will try to exercise more to improve his stamina.

 

Having said that, he still think that we have no problem. He wasn't angry or upset but simply refused to discuss further on getting help.

 

Given that we have been able to "successfully" have sex for the last 3 days, I'm giving him some time before I'll broach the subject again. Of course, all 3 times were initiated by me with me working hard for the most part. However, I did see more participation and interest from him from day 1 to day 3. Hopefully this is a sign that things could turn around for the better. However, a side of me is very worried that he will continue to be only interested in sex that requires little work from him. You know, the kind you see on porn.

 

I'm seeing zero improvement in his porn usage. He doesn't do it often because I've been trying hard not to give him any chances to do it BUT he has been doing it at every opportunity. Every single opportunity, even when he has just 5 or 10 minutes. I really don't get this. I've been trying to keep him satisfied. Does he really need to view porn everyday at every opportunity? Is this really a sign of addiction or it's just a guy thing? I really don't mind him looking at porn but at every single opportunity? It looks as though he has porn on his mind all the time and just waiting for the chance to do it.

[aeren944]

First of all, congradulations on 3 successful times. As I was reading this thread, I wanted to post about a confidence issue that he may be having, but after reading that, I would say his confidence issue from not finishing off is non-existant.

 

I would guess that the reason he's taking every single opportunity to view the porn is because you're giving him less and less freedom to do so. I wonder if he thinks, "I better watch it while I can, since she'll be back any minute" type of thing. This seems to me like an addiction. I used to think that way in my current relationship, and I think I was addicted to porn. I think JamesM is completely right that you shouldn't enable him by creeping around and not facing the problem head-on.

 

If he really does love you, like you say, he'll realize that the porn use is hurting his marriage... with the woman he loves... and be open to fixing it.

 

And, in my opinion, making you do all the work is pretty damn lazy. *shrug*

[learn2live]

This sounds a lot like problems that happened in my marriage. You should ask him about the porn. He may or may not lie about it, if he continues to lie he may have addiction. But do look into it Iam currently going through a divorce because of the same situation. I loved my wife very much but I was using the porn to numb pain from early on before my realtionship with my wife.

This caused her much pain and I did not confront it till now after some "couch time" my thearpist deduced that my porn addiction was a way for me to not have to deal with my real emotions ie. (my parents divorce, my fathers death, no love from my father ) . Trying to keep up walls so I would not get hurt but all I did was hurt her. I did refuse my wifes sexual advances at periods of time because I would rather watch porn and not deal with the intimate connection between her and I.

I strugled with it for a long time and only got help when it was to late for us to continue or marriage. Her feelings where to hurt to continue, I never meant to hurt her but it happened. We are both in thearpy now working on ourselves and not the realtionship. Please ask him about it or just keep tabs on it. You may be able to help your marriage and him at the same time. If he continues to lie which he may for some reason there is a great shame connected to this problem that makes it hard for people to talk about.

 

Good luck.