: Love With An Older Man

[reoma]

... I'm having a major issue right now and I really really need some advice. I've been friends with this older man for several months now, I would say a little over 6 months. And we met a coffee shop in LA. I'm an actor/writer, he was an actor and is now only a writer/director... but you can see where our interests connect, both artists, both show business people. So... when we first met, he saw me with my sides (the pages for the audition) and I was in line, and he just simply said: "Good luck on your audition" and I just smiled and the next day, I WASN'T supposed to go to starbuck's because I live further from LA and I had a doctor's appointment about 2 hours away so my audition was just in time for me to go and head home before traffic to get to the doctor's appt.

 

But I was heading up and my agent said the audition has to be at 6 that evening or so .... so what do I do... I cancel the doc appt. right? I headed to starbuck's to work on my script and low and behold hes in line behind me and asks, "so how was your audition" and i didnt remember at first and then he reminded me and we were waiting for coffee and he was just being cordial... but I thought to myself as well, you never know who someone is in show business so I asked him... and we started talking and all that and I mentioned I wrote a script and we ended having a seat with a couple of his friends who were much younger as well because he has a young soul. And we ended up sitting at that coffee shop and talking for about 3 hours.. it ZIPPED by and he was especially impressed because I am very savvy in terms of my knowledge of film, acting, plays and what not so anytime he'd mention a name or reference, I knew it.

 

Now I'm 20... he's 51. I am an old soul and he's got a young soul, certainly my soul is young, but I've always been seen as far more mature than my age. I wanted to preface this whole thing with that story to just give you the insight in how it began.

 

Now, bottom line: We've been meeting at this coffee shop and it began as we discussed my script, obviously I knew I was attractive to him, and he is sicilian, has his own wonderful quality, very genuine, dark hair, dark eyes, myself the same, hes not a beautiful guy or anything but hes also not bad looking, hes endearing and has a nice look for sure, but the age difference is clear in appearance. Now in the time that weve been seeing each other, its become more and more clear that hes felt things for me... he would try to see where my head was at and I would sort of nudge it off in a way while making it casual and letting him still know how i love our friendship. From the get go, we had a HUGE connection, it was unreal. And that was clear for me right away... it was undeniable and still is. And when I see him on film looking 25 years younger, he is attractive, and hes got a sexy appeal for sure and I look at him then and go... if that was him now, things could definitely be different.

 

Well... its gotten really intense recently because he was making it clear how he felt without telling me he was in love with me but said, "I want to take care of you..." and "I just wanna hold you so close..." and never in any way being invasive, he did try to kiss me once on the lips recently and the moment I pushed him he just laughed kind of and sort of apologized saying he was caught up in the moment... which I understood because we do get intimate and I do kiss him and hug him because I love him, I do. And he knows that but never on the lips... now its become huge. I was in the parking lot and he walked me to my car last night and he was saying how he loves me but I still didnt go as far to think that it was as deep as it was but knew it was there... and I admitted to him just know, I said "The frustration doesn't only lie with you... just know that." And that opened up our conversation and we really got into it and then I was about to tear up because I care for him so much and he were just holding hands... and we hugged one last time and kissed on the cheek and we said if things were different, if he was younger that it would definitely happen... and I left and went into the car and a few mnutes after I was listening to some music, my eyes were tearing up and I called him and we talked for over 2 hours.

 

And in that two hours.. he from the top I asked him, what do you mean when you say you want to take care of me? And he said.. I'm in love with you. I love you... and we talked A LOT and then I said to him... how I know in the big picture how this is difficult and cant work because I love you too I said... but I havent let myself go because of the reality... I am frustrated though because I care for you... I know our connection, and I can't deny it. And actually while I was wrting this post, he called and we talked again for over an hour and he was saying how he loves me and thats just it, he wants to be with me... but that he has to deal and will deal in the best way that he can... and I said, if distance is what you need then I'll respect that, I will admit that it would be hard for me... but despite what I know, I'd rather still see you because I enjoy spending time with you, and when I don't see you for a while, I miss you... and he got to the point where he was crying about two or three times on the phone and I could feel it and finallly I asked and he admitted he was... and he said to me that night on the phone, "plain and simple. I need you. I love you. I wanna be with you. So how can I say that and in the same breath say I won't see you? If you're nearby, you tell me because I wanna be with you." So... there you have it. Now for me, I've been in tears, it's frustrated me to no end... and I LOVE him, I know I do...

 

I just haven't let myself go into that territory because he is... 31 years older than me.. sometimes I want to just go out and grab him and hold him and hug him and kiss him which I don't know is the end of the world... I just am not sure about what to do... because well always see each other... and well be in each others lives... and weve talked very openly that were lucky because were very special to each other regardless and its wonderful when someone you care about loves you that much... and he said to me too... I'm not saying I have to marry you... I'm not saying I want to have sex with you... I'm not saying I need kids.... I'm just saying I'm in love with you. That's it. I just am in love with you.... and so what hes saying I know is real - hes one of the most, if not the most genuine person I know... and I just feel how far can I go without being unfair... or confusing it more...

 

I want sometimes to just kiss him for a while maybe just for the love that we have because I care for him.... I want to just hold onto him and just hug him but I'm also thinking about him... and maybe I'm thinking way too much... but I'm curious, whats going on with ME? I really am... because I know the age thing, if it were different and he were 25 years younger.... we would be like spaghetti and meat sauce ... really... we said it bluntly to one another... and its true... but it just cant happen for what I see it to be. And if I even were to explore it, it would mess up our relationship I feel... please help. So sorry to be SO long winded, my mind is rushing almost as fast as my heart... it's been emotional for sure. And once he came into the coffee shop, and I literally had a chemical, physical reaction in my body when I saw him.... in my chest... it was like electric.... and yes, I've never been in love... but I don't know if this is it, and what if it is? Then what. I know I can do what I wish... but realistically... well you KNOW. Okay... *sigh*.... any advice would be great especially from those who've experienced it... thanks.

[Citizen Erased]

Wow I thought me and my beloved were years apart... 31 years

 

Sorry.

[melodymatters]

whew, I can tell your in drama ! just kidding, thats my background as well !

 

Anyhow, whats the big hold up/out ? neither of you are married or otherwise taken right ?

 

Who cares about the age thing if the feelings are so strong. At 40 I have been with many people and worried about many different things, but guess what ? I, like many other people am currently single.

 

So : EVERYTHING I WORRIED ABOUT IN THOSE RELATIONSHIPS IS MOOT !

 

Live in the HERE and NOW !

 

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.

 

Would it be so horrible if Mr Sicilian were to just be the first two ?

[Lizzie60]

Sorry I didn't read the whole post... but enough to tell you that he's the one who's got more to lose, not you.... the older will be 'dumped' much sooner than later...

 

I am involved with a 25 year old and I'm 55... but it's the other way around, I'm the woman.. and I am realistic enough to know that if we ever get together (he's with someone right now) it will not be on a long term.. I am not dumb enough to think that this kind of relationship can last for 10+ years.. we have to be realistic about the age gap. this is not a 10 yr age gap... it's 30+... huuugge difference.

 

So I say, enjoy it for the time it lasts... you'll get tired of it eventually.

 

Live your life while you enjoy it...

[reoma]

Yeah... sorry for posting so much, I really should have kept it shorter. I would love to hear more thoughts - the thing is, I don't want to lose our relationship ever... and I feel anything in that territory in terms of romance could screw it in the big picture or maybe just do so for a temporary amount of time. I defnitely feel the connection him and I have is one that will last and stand the test of this, but hes also very connected in the industry and is someoone not only that I love as a person but is a mentor and can be there for me in terms of helping me move forward with things as an actor and a writer, as I mentioned with my script for instance. That alone is separate, just the relationship in general I'm wondering how intimate I could get maybe without having it go too far and mess with everything... maybe just enough to comfort us? I don't know... what do you think - hug/kiss possibly can be fine even if its a little more than a friendly kind?

[Lyssa]

maybe just enough to comfort us? I don't know... what do you think - hug/kiss possibly can be fine even if its a little more than a friendly kind?

 

Wow - and I thought my BF was old

 

A hug/kiss is fine but how far do you know is "enough to comfort both of you"? Maybe he wants more? Which I am pretty sure he does. If I were you, I'd go with the flow.

[reoma]

Interesting... yeah, I know he said himself, we'll just have to take it day by day and... I think going with the flow is the thing, but do you mean just see what happens and let it? Or just kind of know the boundaries but if something happens... like a longer than usual kiss... if it comes natural then okay. I guess... and yes, he definitely wants me in every way a man wants a woman, thats clear, witout a doubt. He wants to be with me, period. ... I feel it would be nice to indulge in the moment if it happens, like you said, go with the flow... and just blame it on the moment or what have you... just don't know if that could make things harder. .... man oh man. Thanks though. That simple statement does help.

[Trialbyfire]

Is he single?

[reoma]

Yes, he is. And actually he lost the previous love of his life because she passed away, she was only in her about 38 or so but he hasnt been to open up with any women since nor has he wanted to... until he met me. He said to me, "I trust you like I trust no one... and I don't know why... I just do..." Hes opened his heart out to me about things hes told no one... so it's really wonderful in that way because I appreciate it and honor it because he means so much to me.... I've never experiened being in love so I don't know. I don't think I am though... I just feel the block of the age has stopped me from truly falling... but the potential of it is what frustrates me... IF he was younger...

[reoma]

Also, because he now knows how I feel... and I've been very open about it... today I talked to him and said I'd be going to the gym... and he says to me, what are you wearing? And we both laughed it off... and normally he wouldnt really ask it... but we laughed again and he asked once more facetiously but also meaning it and I said, sweat pants and a shirt you crazy... and he immediatly went back to a different subject... like OKAY, and then talked about something else. For a second it did feel a little awkward because I kept thinking of our age but I also don't know if that is okay and I should let it or just like you said... let it flow... I mean, a part of me was amused... because hes outright in that way anyyway with people so its not a new thing but it was entering that territory... so confused.

[Trialbyfire]

If you were in your thirties, I would say, go for it. That you're 20, concerns me.

 

You're just beginning to get your feet under you, to get to know yourself better. You will be changing dramatically for the next 5 to 10 years. Why would you want to hook up with someone who's your father's age or older? Is this fair to both of you?

[whichwayisup]

but enough to tell you that he's the one who's got more to lose, not you.... the older will be 'dumped' much sooner than later...

 

Problem is, she thinks she 'loves' him and honestly, SHE has more to lose than him. He is the 'adult' here and been around the block afew more times, has more experience in dealing with emotions. She is young and I know most women, especially at age 20 cannot control their feelings. BUT, with that being said, reoma - If you want a fun fling with no real expectations, go for it. Just shield your heart and always be honest with eachother.

[melodymatters]

If you were in your thirties, I would say, go for it. That you're 20, concerns me.

 

You're just beginning to get your feet under you, to get to know yourself better. You will be changing dramatically for the next 5 to 10 years. Why would you want to hook up with someone who's your father's age or older? Is this fair to both of you?

 

 

Well I'm only half joking here when I say : it's LA were talking about and the entertainment Biz, NONE of this is real life anyway !!!

 

It's not like a small town banker and the farmers daughter. It's doubtful the OP and Mr 51's friendship will survive them both getting new relationships, let alone anything else, so why not enjoy the transitory pleasures ?

 

Unless OP, you really ADORE this guy, but really DON'T want to get naked and sweaty with him. In that case it's just a friendship, and should be kept that way.

[Trialbyfire]

Well I'm only half joking here when I say : it's LA were talking about and the entertainment Biz, NONE of this is real life anyway !!!

 

It's not like a small town banker and the farmers daughter. It's doubtful the OP and Mr 51's friendship will survive them both getting new relationships, let alone anything else, so why not enjoy the transitory pleasures ?

 

Unless OP, you really ADORE this guy, but really DON'T want to get naked and sweaty with him. In that case it's just a friendship, and should be kept that way.

Perhaps I'm being overly-concerned. An older man like that has far more experience at seduction. I wonder if she knows what she's getting into.

[melodymatters]

but hes also very connected in the industry and is someoone not only that I love as a person but is a mentor and can be there for me in terms of helping me move forward with things as an actor and a writer, as I mentioned with my script for instance.

 

 

Please OP, don't think I am using this very human feeling against you by quoting this...

 

 

...but Yes TBF, I feel that she is thinking it through on ALL of the angles.

[reoma]

Hey thank you all so much. Please do keep the thoughts coming. I am taking it all in... definitely the thought of taking it sexually that way is where I won't go. I just can't. Morally it's just not right and I know for him, yeah, sure, you're right, hes been around... and he would be in heaven not to toot my own horn but its the reality that its really not fair maybe to me moreso but regardless, his feelings come off very real. Yes... I have to really keep in mind what is going on, but when he cries like that and tells me such things... and still know that I can't take it further, he still wants to be with me and spend time with me... when I delve into it and imagine it, I'm really set back by the fact that him and I would even go there... it won't happen. But... if he were younger, it could possibly. And how healthy is it for me to keep this connection and maybe the distance is what I need to do without making it obvious? Maybe hes hoping I'll still come around... that's just the thing. All I know is when I'm with him, I feel really good. Because yes, I do ADORE him... I do. And so definitely thats why the line is there along with the fact that hes so much older than me. Is it wrong that we put it out in the open between one another like this? How can I keep this intimacy and special bond without making this go wrong...

[reoma]

Also, I for sure cannot have a "fling" with him - sexually is not where I'm at and where actually I have to draw that line... I'm still a virgin, thats just not going to happen, it cant. I definitely thing the potential for me to fall for him would be there if the age thing werent there, but since it is, there still is a block that stops me and certainly its there and stays there. Now because its the unknown theres a feeling of grabbing that apple.. ya know? But I've thought about it and how if it really happened, how it would feel weird I'm sure... knowing how different in age we are, but regardless that chemistry and undeniable connection is there which I feel is so special and told him that too.... that regardless of how the relationship has to remain, were lucky still... and he said yes... I'm just listening... I'm just listening to the woman I love. His feeling is to just take it by day and deal with it because thats what has to be done... ya know?

[Trialbyfire]

Once again, I'm going to be the cynical one. This guy's good. He will work you day by day.

[Dante42]

My sister married a man of 61 when she was 32 and they have been very happily married now for 8 years and have 2 children. I don't know anyone else so happy together. I think age differences don't matter a whole lot and you should do what your heart is telling you.

 

On the other hand, my sisters kids will have probably have to suffer the pain of their father dying while they are still relatively young. Also, it is likely my sister will be widowed at a relatively young age. It is far from ideal but there are so few truly happy long term couples out there, I think the age difference is way less important than how you feel about him as a human being. My advice is to ignore the age thing and go for it. Maybe he is what you need to be happy or maybe he isn't but you won't know until you try.

[reoma]

Okay... so about him being "good" - you think that the day by day thing is a method of continuing to try? I mean, I really truly sense his intentions are real... certainly sex crosses his mind, but hes a male, hes attracted to me on not only an emotional and spiritual level but obviously physical... And I just don't think I can go there after putting though into, I really dont feel it could end up being right... I think more wrong could come out of it... because I want to have our relationship and I don't want to lose him or have it be weird... I really care for him, and it's nice regardless when someone loves you... I mean, thats what will make our relationship so special. The thing is, he said to me, I want to do whatever is best for you... and I said, I would still want to see you because I enjoy spending time with you.. I feel good when I'm around you and that's special. Is there something I need to do to make sure that our open relationship can continue to be this way while still keeping the idea grounded that it cant be sexually romantic?

 

Am I unfair to want to see him continually... he said, he wants to be around me because he loves me so hell do whatever I want. I just don't know howhealthy it is... maybe I do have to say lets just take a break from meeting, but I just dont want the feeling to come across that things have changed... I just cant stand to sit there though knowing he wants me so much and cant have me in that way. I told him you have to be honest if distance is what you need... and he said he doesn't need it. We promised we'd always be there for each other... and no, see being romantic for him, "going for it" could definitely screw us up... because reality is, I cant end up with him... it just cant work. I could... but its not the ideal situation. .... love the toughts... please, do keep them coming. I'm checking back every once in a while.