Update, "Wife wants to leave, no longer "in love" with me"

[hopeful26]

Hi, again. It's been about four months since I posted this thread titled, "Wife wants to leave, no longer "in love" with me": http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t125117/

 

House is sold, paperwork for the D will be finished up in a few weeks. As expected life is moving on. I'm doing well. My daily life has settled back into somewhat of a routine.

 

Something I've realized is that one of the hardest things to let go of wasn't so much the marriage itself but rather the dream of what a marriage could be. Once that dream took a back seat to reality things changed; the benefits of time became conspicuous, and though memories reside they brought wisdom along for the ride.

 

Anyway, I was just sitting at work and thought, "There sure were a lot of nice people at LS. I think I'll say thanks!" So, I just want to say thank you to everyone on here who shared their experiences, wisdom and provided support. It wasn't easy but hell, I'm not dead yet!

[bestadvisor]

Was there an affair?

[Ladyjane14]

It's so nice when people come back and post that they're doing well.

I'm very pleased to hear it, Hopeful.

 

Now... maybe you'll weigh in for a newbie sometime, and let 'em know there's still life out there. (hint hint )

 

Bunnies for you:

:bunny::bunny::bunny:

[hopeful26]

Was there an affair?

Who knows, there was never a "reason". In the end that doesn't matter. I deserve someone who loves me! Just like all of us! Now, if you'll excuse me I'm going to get on with finding that person...

[hopeful26]

It's so nice when people come back and post that they're doing well.

I'm very pleased to hear it, Hopeful.

 

Now... maybe you'll weigh in for a newbie sometime, and let 'em know there's still life out there. (hint hint )

 

Bunnies for you:

:bunny::bunny::bunny:

It sure helped me to talk to people who had been through my situation and were still alive. I'm definately sticking around to lend support.

 

Oh, and yay for bunnies!

[nitelifeguy]

My W is citing the same thing..The "fell out of love" and no further explanation for her wanting a divorce...How does someone "fall out of love"? This is so confusing..Were there things I done or not done for this to get to that point? Who knows..All I know is that I was a loving husband and father...I did everything possible to be the model spouse...She doesn't even want to try to work things out to a point where maybe she can rediscover that "in love" feelings over time...

 

Well good luck in your future...

[hopeful26]

I can't sympathize enough. I had so many unanswered questions that were killing me! Unfortunately I wasn't ever going to get answers. A few things I realized that have helped me include:

 

1) Realizing it's her not me. I didn't "do" anything wrong. It was difficult not to sit around and think, "Man, if only I had seen this coming." It's easy to remember negative things you said or did that you wish you hadn't said or done, but that's life! No one is perfect. She ain't no angel herself!

 

2) Man up. "You don't love me? Fine. I'm going to find someone who does!" Sounds harsh, but no one deserves to be married to someone who doesn't love them. Marriage is an all-or-nothing kinda thing; you either love me 100% and you are committed 100% or you aren't married to me, simple as that! If she cites a problem in your marriage (i.e., she isn't "in love" with you anymore) and refuses to work towards a resolution within the marriage, that's a pretty tell-tale sign of her intentions and overall lack of committment.

 

3) Fake it until I make it. I put one foot in front of the other, every day. I allowed myself very little time to think about the problem. Instead, I focused on going to work, enjoying my hobbies and seeing friends. I forced myself to smile each morning. If you have kids, focus on them! Be the best father you can possibly be! They deserve nothing less!

 

4) Familiarized myself with the five stages of grief. Realize they are going to come and go, in any order and sometimes repeat themselves. Allow the grief to happen!

 

5) See a counseler.

 

I still ain't perfect but I'm working on it! Oh, and I'm a hell of a lot wiser.

[bestadvisor]

I can almost guarantee that in both of your cases, there are other men involved.

 

Look around the posts here. Initially, most husband (and wifes) think there is no one else involved and they are almost always wrong and found out the truth eventually. And when they do found out, they usually do during the time when they are still living together. Once they are out of the house, it's hard to find out what they are up to.

[Curmudgeon]

Something I've realized is that one of the hardest things to let go of wasn't so much the marriage itself but rather the dream of what a marriage could be. Once that dream took a back seat to reality things changed; the benefits of time became conspicuous, and though memories reside they brought wisdom along for the ride.

 

I think a lot of us have fallen into that trap -- what shoulda, coulda, mighta been as opposed to what really was. We dream, keep our hopes high and alive, convince ourselves that the problems or the change in our spouses attitude and approaches to us is merely a temporary abberation and stay in that dream state until stark reality forces its way in.

 

Ultimately we look back and ask ourselves, "What was I thinking?"

[T L]

I can't sympathize enough. I had so many unanswered questions that were killing me! Unfortunately I wasn't ever going to get answers. A few things I realized that have helped me include:

 

1) Realizing it's her not me. I didn't "do" anything wrong. It was difficult not to sit around and think, "Man, if only I had seen this coming." It's easy to remember negative things you said or did that you wish you hadn't said or done, but that's life! No one is perfect. She ain't no angel herself!

 

2) Man up. "You don't love me? Fine. I'm going to find someone who does!" Sounds harsh, but no one deserves to be married to someone who doesn't love them. Marriage is an all-or-nothing kinda thing; you either love me 100% and you are committed 100% or you aren't married to me, simple as that! If she cites a problem in your marriage (i.e., she isn't "in love" with you anymore) and refuses to work towards a resolution within the marriage, that's a pretty tell-tale sign of her intentions and overall lack of committment.

 

3) Fake it until I make it. I put one foot in front of the other, every day. I allowed myself very little time to think about the problem. Instead, I focused on going to work, enjoying my hobbies and seeing friends. I forced myself to smile each morning. If you have kids, focus on them! Be the best father you can possibly be! They deserve nothing less!

 

4) Familiarized myself with the five stages of grief. Realize they are going to come and go, in any order and sometimes repeat themselves. Allow the grief to happen!

 

5) See a counseler.

 

I still ain't perfect but I'm working on it! Oh, and I'm a hell of a lot wiser.

 

 

Good advice hopeful.

[hopeful26]

I can almost guarantee that in both of your cases, there are other men involved.

I wouldn't be the slightest bit surprised if there were!

 

Anyway, I have to say I'm pretty excited. I'm officially closing on the sale of my house in two days! It only took four bloody months to sell...grr. Oh well, it's a bunch of money in my pocket and one step closer to the end...err...beginning of my new life! I hope everyone is having a wonder holiday season!

[hopeful26]

As of 12 Dec 2007 my D is legally final.

 

Although I'm confident I could write a novel on how utterly distasteful this experience has been I'm equally confident a simple expletive infixation will suffice:

 

God-fu*king-dammit.

 

Filing the papers was strangely and emotionally uneventful. I walked in, dropped off the papers, came back 2 days later, they stamped a bunch and said, "Your D is final." *shrug* Nice knowing you!

 

I emailed her a copy of the legally final paperwork and said simply, "The D is legally final. Attached you will find relevant paperwork for your records." Guess what? No response! Gee. Heh. Go figure. Ahhhhh 2008 is gonna be great!

 

To all you guys going through this crap I'm telling you, the minute your woman plays the D card, smile, wave and don't look back! They either love you 100% or they get to packin'!

 

"It's better to be single and alone than married and alone." -Gunny376

[BlueHaiku]

My ex-husband did the same thing to me a long time ago. No reason, just "don't wanna be married anymore and don't wanna work on it."

 

I think I pushed him for a reason and he finally muttered something about how I didn't make dinner enough (disregarding the fact that I was making dinner a lot more often and had given him for Christmas a book of dinner coupons with no strings attached - which he never used). Clearly that wasn't really the issue.

 

I think he was out of the house for 3 weeks before he informed me he had started dating a long time coworker of his. Yeah, "started" right.

 

After a certain period of trauma, ultimately, you just end up saying "well ok, I don't wanna be married to someone who doesn't love me and isn't grown up enough to take a committment seriously enough to try to work through a problem."

 

After being single for a little while (just a few months in fact) I realized I was SIGNIFICANTLY happier than I could remember being in years.

 

Most striking for me was how over the years I had become so gradually less and less happy that I had not even noticed the difference. I remember one day a few months after the split, standing in my kitchen and feeling - suddenly - happy! I spoke aloud to my empty house: "So THIS is what joy is like!"

 

It was as if the glorious sun had suddenly jumped out from behind a cloud and infused me with its warmth.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Who knows, there was never a "reason". In the end that doesn't matter. I deserve someone who loves me! Just like all of us! Now, if you'll excuse me I'm going to get on with finding that person...

 

THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!!!

 

THAT IS THE MINDSET PEOPLE NEED TO HAVE WHEN THEY'RE SPOUSE WANTS TO LEAVE!

 

Congradulations!

 

I remember you from a little while back, You sound stronger than before many good returns and please do not take her back if she ever comes around again! lol.

[Gunny376]

I don't how I missed your thead HF, but a lot of good stuff recently posted:

 

BlueHaiku wrote:

Most striking for me was how over the years I had become so gradually less and less happy that I had not even noticed the difference. I remember one day a few months after the split, standing in my kitchen and feeling - suddenly - happy! I spoke aloud to my empty house: "So THIS is what joy is like!"

 

It was as if the glorious sun had suddenly jumped out from behind a cloud and infused me with its warmth.

 

and you yourself wrote:

 

To all you guys going through this crap I'm telling you, the minute your woman plays the D card, smile, wave and don't look back! They either love you 100% or they get to packin'!

 

Being single for most of us is a transistionary state ~ however more and more are chossing by deliberate choice to make it a permanent choice.

 

I myself? I don't know so much that I've chossen to stay single the rest of my life? But, after what I've been through? I'm not purposely looking for marriage and a wife? They're going to have to "find" me? Because I'm not looking for them? Someone comes along? Great? They don't? That's just 'Jim-Dog-Fine and Dandy" too!

 

A couple of resources:

 

Forgot the author's name, but you might want to read a paperback titled "The Art Of Living Single" and Goggle for a website titled: SingleEdition.com (its a new site that just opened in Dec, so its still building. It doesn't have a fourmn but its does have some interesting articles, and some "experts" in various fields such as real estate, financing, recipies (its hard cooking for just one ~ and eating out all the time is expensive and gets old quick and in a hurry like).

 

For the guys ~ that are cooking challenged? I recommend a couple of cookbooks from "Men's Health" magazine.

 

"A Man, A Can, and A Plan",

"A Man, A Microwave, and a Plan"

"A Man, A Grill, and a Plan"

 

They all contain healthy, nutritious easy to prepare recipes that are super easy to follow and prepare, four portions or less.

 

I would also recomend that you read John Gray's latest book ~ "When Mars and Venus Collide" now on sale for about $18 at "ChinaMart" ~ I mean Walmart. Ground breaking research into how hormones and women's and men's hardwiring in the brain contriubutes to breakdowns in relationships. It will not only help you come to terms as to whey your marriage/last relationship failed? But also help you going into your next one. He also has a book about starting over, among several others.

 

Sleeping is a big problem for most people that find themselves "suddenly single" again. My recommendations here?

 

Don't drink alcohol.

 

Don't smoke nor use other nicotine products

 

Cut back on Caffiene

 

If you go to the gym, exercise ~ do it at the beginning of your day, not the end. Aerobic exercise feeds oxygen into your system and works to keep you awake ~ walking, running, treadmill etc ~ anerobic depletes oxygen from your system and makes your tired ~ i.e. lifting weights, etc.

 

Soundproof and light-proof your sleeping quarters. If your not allergic? Down mattress (the thicker the better) covers and comforters, along with plenty of fluffy pillows (to inlude a good "body pillow" to hug up to).

 

Install a ceiling fan, and put one or two standing fans around your bed. My bedroom is for two things ~ primarly sleeping and _____________. No radio, no TV.

 

Get a sound machine that makes sounds as though a rumbling brook, the sound of the ocean, or as if its raining!

 

Melatonin ~ Safe, non-addictive, over the counter, non-prescrition ~ available at Walmart in the Herbal/Vitamin section (bottom shelf). It comes in 3 mmg, 3 mg, and 5 mg. The bottles says take one tablet, I take two (5 mg) per my height/body weight. About twenty minutes after you take it? You'll feel drowsy, you'll start to yawn, your eyes will tear up.

 

Melatonin is the natural substance that your body produces to regulate your "biologicial clock" It works with "light" in that if your body detects any source of light? Even through closed eye-lids, your body will quit producing it? Also your body produces less and less of it as you age?

 

Airline pilots that fly the "Red-eye" coast to coast use it to get the sleep they need.

 

There are a lot of advantages to being single? You can come and go where you want, when you want, as you want? You can get up early or sleep in late. You know where the money's going and for what? Its easier to meet your financial and other personal life goals.

 

If you give yourself time ~ you'll come to a lot of realization about yourself and your life?

 

The really good thing that comes from all of this? Is that you realize that you can achieve self-actualization and self-validation from with-in, and that you don't need someone else to validate your self-worth? Your exsistence?

 

Another really good thing that comes from "divorce" is that you build up a certain amount of immunity to the pain and the BS! You become more selective! It takes much, much more for someone to get with you than just physical attractiveness ~ and well Hell that's all relative anyway?

 

No matter who you are? Or who your with? You and her are going to more or less end up looking like the folks down at the "Old Folks" home anyway! That is if your damn lucky!