Wife wants to leave, no longer "in love" with me

[hopeful26]

Hello. I read a bunch of the topics in this category and realized they're other people in my situation. Seems to make things easier, I s'pose. Anyway, my wife and I dated for about 4 years before getting married. We had our "seperations" while dating but always ended up back together; a reasonably normal relationship I guess. We got married a little over 2 years ago and I've loved her very much ever since, though I've no doubt had my share of issues over the last couple years.

 

Roughly 1 year into the marriage and to my surprise she told me she "just wasn't happy" and wanted to separate. I've never cheated, don't use drugs and don't beat her. With all of those in mind you can imagine what a shock it was to hear her tell me she actually wanted a divorce when I thought I was doing a fairly good job. We talked for a few hours, didn't really make any drastic changes, apologized for a few minor things and life seemed to go back to semi-normal...for about a year. Then, recently, I noticed she was always "tired" and generally withdrawn around me.

 

Well what do you know, one night about 2 weeks ago she opens up and says she's "just not happy" and advises she wants a divorce. We talked and I generally felt like I wasn't being the husband I could be, although she made sure to let me know it "wasn't all my fault." I told her how scared I was, how sorry I was, etc. Probably sounded pretty desperate. Dammit. There goes my dignity.

 

I advised her that when I said "for better or for worse" I meant it. I told her I believed marriages don't last unless you actively make the decision to stay together no matter what. She said she believed that if we stayed together and she was't happy she would be hurting both of us in the end, although she agrees you can't always rely on your feelings for the best decision. I proceeded to pour my heart out to her and tell her how scared I was, how much she meant to me and how much I'd always loved her, how I was willing to do anything to make it work.

 

She told me she was tired of bottling up her feelings. She said she always had her doubts about our marriage from the beginning but was too scared to say anything. She said she was tired of trying to please others before herself. She said she was sorry for not bringing this up sooner. She even said she knows she's selfish. She apologized for not opening up in the past when I would ask her, "What's wrong?" and she would respond, "I'm just tired."

 

We apologized for some stuff, forgave each other, and thanked each other for being honest and we agreed we would actually put together a plan of action and work on things. Needless to say I was still very scared, but hopeful. At least she was willing to try.

 

After that night I decided to change some things; helping out more around the house and what not, generally trying to make her life easier. I especially wanted her to know how I felt, so I made sure to tell her how wonderful she was and how much I loved her whenever I felt it. Everytime I would do something nice and it wasn't returned I almost felt worse, torn between loving her no matter what and simply being walked on by her.

 

I s'pose I've laid most of the blame on myself and probably sounded desperate when I said all those things but hey, shouldn't I be honest? Maybe not. Perhaps all that honesty is pressuring her. But by giving her the space she needs am I fueling her belief that we shouldn't be together? After all, she feels better when she has her space, and being divorced is the ultimate space.

 

As I mentioned previously we agreed there are things we could work on and decided this time we were going to actually do something, as opposed to the first time she brought this up where we, uuh, didn't "do" anything. So, we decided on couseling and also bought Dr. Phil's book "Relationship Rescue."

 

Although we can't really afford a "real" counseler we saw a Christian counseler at a local church, free of 'course. Neither of us are very religous and after one session realized he didn't give us any concrete things to work on, he just kept saying, "Well you know what the Lord says..." We gave up on that after just one session; utterly worthless.

 

We started working our way through the book. We talked about issues as they came up. Things seemed to be going a little better, or so I wanted to believe.

 

That brings us to today. The time we are around each other is mostly comprised of palpable tension interlaced with very brief moments of normalcy. We tried cuddling and going on walks together, you know, to nurture those feelings we once had. That didn't work at all. She said she felt pressured to change her feelings. We don't kiss anymore. Sometimes I want to sense an attraction brewing, but most of the time it seems our efforts are in vain and that feeling quickly fades; again, probably just me wishing my life away. We've had sex a couple times since that night. I put a lot more effort into it, fooling myself, thinking that would show her how much I cared. She, no doubt, was just turned on and I was available so what the hell.

 

We talked the other night when the tension was especially high and she advised that although she likes some of the changes she still doesn't feel like it's going to work out. She said that the book is great but she isn't really feeling it. She's "...so tired of feeling the way she does." Last night she made it very simple: "I don't love you and I'm not in love with you."

 

Some days I feel great and the future seems very positive, whether single or married, in spite of my current dilemma. I feel like everything will be ok either way. Other days I get scared and feel like I'm losing the one I love, the one who used to "love" me. I don't want to stop fighting, but I sure want it to stop hurting. I feel like running away from everything. Thanks for listening.

[whichwayisup]

I'm sorry your heart hurts....

 

Just know, you didn't do anything wrong, there's nothing wrong with you - You tried your best! Sadly, she couldn't or didn't want to, try her best.

 

Sounds like she wasn't mature enough to communicate how she was feeling before you two got married, let alone live up to the marriage vows.

 

All I can say is, cry, grieve the los...Keep posting here and just know you will recover. Sorry for your pain.

[kenfrance]

I agree with whichwayisup-- i am sorry that you are hurting. You sound lie you are still a little shocked. That is normal-- denial is the first reaction for many. Then the self blame. You were open and willing to do whatever it takes to live up to those promises "In good times and in Bad". She created those bad times not you and for whatever reason she does want to face them. There also seems to be a pattern here. When you two were dating you separated and got back together several times. The questions I have are 1) Who broke up and 2) if it was her why? Did she need to sow her wild oats out there, go on a fling but then return to the stability of you and your constant, forgiving love. Stay strong and all will work out.

[In LIMBO]

Hopeful,your situation sounds exactly and I mean exactly like what I am going through as of July 6th.My wife said the same thing to me.We have

15 years invested with a couple brief separations also.She feels the need for independence,wants to experience life by herself(We also have two kids)wants to be put on a "pedestal" also.She moved out on me at the worst possible time.I have been on workers comp the past two and a half years.Fought extremely hard to get my back surgery approved.Had two arm and two hand surgeries followed by a lumbar back fusion in November.I completed six months of excruiating therapy followed by one month of work conditioning.I came out with permanent work restrictions in the medium-heavy,to heavy category.My surgeon told me that I was in the 1% of patients that even go back to work with the extent of surgery that I have had!I was released and MMI'd on July 11th,and am awating vocational counseling for placement.I now have to move,select what type of job that I can go back into,since I was at the same job for around 20 years.I am 39 years old and have been blindsided and given up on by my wife,and now I have to go through this divorce also!Talk about being kicked while down..You will no doubt feel like I do..I can't eat,I have to take ambien to sleep at night,I have lost 10 pounds in the last two weeks..I am extremely lonely,I can't sit or stay around our house,and today,my wife's mini van broke down about an hour away(she had been visiting her parents )before she goes back to work.(she has summer off).It is not worth fixing,so I picked her up and brought her back to where she is staying.(these are good friends of ours)I figured I would let you know that you are not alone and I know exactly what you are feeling..but somehow we will get through this..let me know if you need someone who can relate,as I will try to be here for you also.....

[hopeful26]

The questions I have are 1) Who broke up and 2) if it was her why? Did she need to sow her wild oats out there, go on a fling but then return to the stability of you and your constant, forgiving love. Stay strong and all will work out.

 

She left me once while dating, providing some typical lame excuse. Later she told me she went on a few dates while we were separated just to make the guys pay for everything, but she wasn't really looking for a relationship. I also left her one summer (some equally lame excuse) to sow some oats and hang out with the guys, but the grass ended up being more yellowish than green. It does seem like a trend...how awful.

 

Thank you very much for the kind words....I can't wait 'till it stops hurting..

[azianpride143]

Cut your losses and move on. I know you love her and she knows you do. Sometimes the only way is "tough love". There may be this assumption that you will get back together again when she's in the mood. That doesn't work. Your not a "friggin" door mat. You can't keep living as a "fall back" to this woman. You deserve to be happy too. Think about your happiness for once and decide what you want to do. Get yourself some IC and move on with your life.

[notspiritual]

By complying to her every wishes, you have tried to “convince” her to love you. But attraction is not something you convince someone to have. In fact, by acting like a doormat you have created repulsion. You have made the number one mistake most people do in that situation. It is now very hard to win her back.

 

I know your pain. But now is not the time to cry. It is the time to show your strength. It is time to display your pride. The last memory she will have from you is one of a larger-than-life man. Ironically, if there is a small chance left to win her back, it is by moving on with your life.

 

Go and tell her: “I love you, I don’t want you to leave me. I really wanted to grow old with you. But it is your choice to leave me. Therefore, because I have the utmost respect for you, I accept your choice even if I don’t like it.” She must know that you have accepted her choice. She must know that you have absolutely no more expectations from her. To regain her attraction is long road but it must start with you demonstrating that you can happy without her. You must not fake it, you must really believe it.

[quiet1one1]

Hopeful26 I'm sorry too. I'm guessing the 26 in your name is your age? If so...WOW, buddy...move on. I'm not condoning throwing it away like garbage but you did pretty much all you can do. It takes two and if you're sure she's not willing to give it a try, you gotta go. She didn't communicate it very well at all but it seems like she's been showing you how she feels almost your whole time together (which really isn't very long).

 

I can't tell you in words how LUCKY you are but TRUST ME, you are! Young, no kids, a few years into marriage? She's given you a gift telling you this now instead of when you're 45 and married 25 years (like me ). For all the old guys out here that wish we were you, please take this gift and run.

 

Good luck.

[hopeful26]

Hopeful,your situation sounds exactly and I mean exactly like what I am going through as of July 6th.My wife said the same thing to me.We have

15 years invested with a couple brief separations also.She feels the need for independence,wants to experience life by herself(We also have two kids)wants to be put on a "pedestal" also.She moved out on me at the worst possible time.I have been on workers comp the past two and a half years.Fought extremely hard to get my back surgery approved.Had two arm and two hand surgeries followed by a lumbar back fusion in November.I completed six months of excruiating therapy followed by one month of work conditioning.I came out with permanent work restrictions in the medium-heavy,to heavy category.My surgeon told me that I was in the 1% of patients that even go back to work with the extent of surgery that I have had!I was released and MMI'd on July 11th,and am awating vocational counseling for placement.I now have to move,select what type of job that I can go back into,since I was at the same job for around 20 years.I am 39 years old and have been blindsided and given up on by my wife,and now I have to go through this divorce also!Talk about being kicked while down..You will no doubt feel like I do..I can't eat,I have to take ambien to sleep at night,I have lost 10 pounds in the last two weeks..I am extremely lonely,I can't sit or stay around our house,and today,my wife's mini van broke down about an hour away(she had been visiting her parents )before she goes back to work.(she has summer off).It is not worth fixing,so I picked her up and brought her back to where she is staying.(these are good friends of ours)I figured I would let you know that you are not alone and I know exactly what you are feeling..but somehow we will get through this..let me know if you need someone who can relate,as I will try to be here for you also.....

Man, I'm sorry to hear all that. I admire your strength, especially given your situation, I really do. Thanks for the comments, by the way, it helps a bit.

[hopeful26]

Hopeful26 I'm sorry too. I'm guessing the 26 in your name is your age? If so...WOW, buddy...move on. I'm not condoning throwing it away like garbage but you did pretty much all you can do. It takes two and if you're sure she's not willing to give it a try, you gotta go. She didn't communicate it very well at all but it seems like she's been showing you how she feels almost your whole time together (which really isn't very long).

 

I can't tell you in words how LUCKY you are but TRUST ME, you are! Young, no kids, a few years into marriage? She's given you a gift telling you this now instead of when you're 45 and married 25 years (like me ). For all the old guys out here that wish we were you, please take this gift and run.

 

Good luck.

Yep, 26 and no kids. I know I'm lucky and I completely agree with you, it's just hard right now. Seems like when I think I know it all life is quick to remind me otherwise. I'm sure I'll look back on this and be grateful one day; wish I could skip to that day. It really does help to have people that understand. Thanks for the reply.

[Lizzie60]

I've never cheated, don't use drugs and don't beat her. With all of those in mind you can imagine what a shock it was to hear her tell me she actually wanted a divorce when I thought I was doing a fairly good job.

 

First off, congrats to you for not beating her... ha-hem...

 

Anyway... I don't believe 2 people can be 'in love' all their life with the same person... it's just impossible IMO.

 

So I say... move on, I know it's not easy but you don't have much choice.. she doesn't love you anymore, you can't make her, you tried and it didn't work... so... let her go.

 

I wish you both good luck in the future.

[hopeful26]

By complying to her every wishes, you have tried to “convince” her to love you. But attraction is not something you convince someone to have. In fact, by acting like a doormat you have created repulsion. You have made the number one mistake most people do in that situation. It is now very hard to win her back.

 

I know your pain. But now is not the time to cry. It is the time to show your strength. It is time to display your pride. The last memory she will have from you is one of a larger-than-life man. Ironically, if there is a small chance left to win her back, it is by moving on with your life.

 

Go and tell her: “I love you, I don’t want you to leave me. I really wanted to grow old with you. But it is your choice to leave me. Therefore, because I have the utmost respect for you, I accept your choice even if I don’t like it.” She must know that you have accepted her choice. She must know that you have absolutely no more expectations from her. To regain her attraction is long road but it must start with you demonstrating that you can happy without her. You must not fake it, you must really believe it.

Thank you. You couldn't be more correct. I'll do my best. I appreciate your advice.

[a4a]

I've never cheated, don't use drugs and don't beat her. With all of those in mind you can imagine what a shock it was to hear her tell me she actually wanted a divorce when I thought I was doing a fairly good job.

 

First off, congrats to you for not beating her... ha-hem...

 

.

 

 

yeah that's usually enough to keep a woman happy.

[hopeful26]

First off, congrats to you for not beating her... ha-hem...

yeah that's usually enough to keep a woman happy.

Yeah yeah, I know I know, you know what I mean.

[a4a]

Yeah yeah, I know I know, you know what I mean.

 

Well I got to say being with a good man myself who does not beat me, would never do drugs, doesn't gamble, no cheating...............

 

I also want out. Probably treat him the same as you are being treated now.

 

There are 3 sides to every story....... his, hers, and the truth.

 

I think it is beneficial to take a look at all sides when in a situation such as yours. Helps to move along on the process and brings some understanding and perhaps some "light" to the situation.

[jmargel]

There was another poster months back that I helped with who was about the same age as you and in the same situation. He refused to listen to me and gunny for awhile and she just acted like the typical teenager these women act like.

 

Basically to get your wife to wake up you need to show confidence. By you telling her you are 'scared' is probably one of the worst things a woman would want to hear. Women love confidence and you are running around with your tail between your legs. It's probably to the point that she expects you to say this kind of stuff and just rolls her eyes to it.

 

When my wife was in that stage and threaten to leave all I said was 'Well, I will miss you but if you want to go then go. But rest assured that I am not taking you back so make sure this is what you want'.

 

Don't beg or try to win her back. With her saying she doesn't love you, just say 'Well, I can't help the way you feel, but if this is how you really feel then I have to move on with my life'. 'I won't sit here trying to win you back, you know I love you but I won't let myself be dragged through the mud'.

 

Keep the contact to a minimum. Though there are two sides to this story and we have not heard hers so you need to do some soul-searching on your part and figure out the things you stopped doing since you met her. Often people get so comfortable in a relationship they take each other for granted without realizing it. They just expect the other person to be there no matter what they do to the other person.

 

Check out chad's situation though it's very long at 30 pages read the whole thing. Learn and find out what works and what doesn't. It's like a storybook.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=96472

[Gunny376]

This will be short ~ as I'm about to sky out for work.

 

The way to go about handling this? Become in-different to her, let her go, and get busy with getting on with your life. The way to move forward to your future is to let go of your past. Forget this selfish, self-centered, can't please, can't appease, don't know what I want woman. There are a lot of women out there that there's no pleasing.

 

The reason jmargel and I can tell any woman on the planet "Ok! If that's what you want, have a nice forever the rest of your life without me, and by the way there's no coming back" is because we've been through this crap. And we know that at the end of the day when all is said and done, all the Hell it means is that you've got to get off your dead ass and go out and find you a new girl friend?! Damn the bad luck!!!!

 

What one woman will abuse, another can use! You can bet the bank on that! Finding another woman isn't the problem, the problem is in being selective in finding one that's worth your investment of time, effort and money.

 

Your fault, her fault, no one's fault, who freaking cares, ~ when you get to the bottom of it, the woman's says she's not feeling it for your anymore. Oh well,such is life, s*** happens.

 

Depression ~ well its like I told myself when I was depressed over it, "Damnit! Either just go ahead and put one through your head, or get busy getting busy living your life and climbing out of this hole!!"

 

Work on getting your head and azz wired backed together, getting your head and your life together ~ and then damnit ~ get busy living ~ life's to freaking short!

 

Your happiness in life is not dependent on any one person. What if lets say that she was still "feeling" it for you? Madly in love, and was to walk out and get run over by a train? What are you going to do? What can you do? You going to lay down, wear sackclothes, wrench your clothing and hair from your body? Lay down and die?

 

Like Lady Jane said ~ "Its the end of your marriage? Not your life!" If I were your best friend I'd tell you, "Give yourself one day to have a pity party, and then get off your azz and get on with your life.

 

How do you get "over" her? Simple enough? Get over her ~ just that damn plain and simple. Be it today or twenty years from now ~ sooner or later your going to have to make the conscious decision to "get over her"

Might as well be today eh? Today is as good a day as tomorrow, next, week, next month or next year ~ right?

 

I'd be letting her know ~ you don't want to be with me? Then I'm going to get busy finding someone who appreciates what I've got to offer and what I've got to bring to the table. Granted, you may not be perfect, but I'm willing to bet certain parts of you and about you are pretty damn awesome that any woman would find attractive, the rest? You can work on as you move ahead into your future.

 

In the end you could be the very eptiome of the perfect husband ~ and it still wouldn't be enough? Some people are like that ~ nothing you do or say will ever be good enough.

 

In closing I'll leave you with one my rules when it comes to women.

 

"Never beg, plead, chase after any woman to be with you!"

 

If she doesn't want to be with you? Forget her! And go find someone who does! There's no shortage of women ~ the planet is covered up with them. Tall ones, short ones, thin ones, fat ones, pretty ones, ~ all kinds.

 

Somewhere out there among the 3.5 billion is one that's wondering where in tha' Hell you're at and what's taking you so long in finding her! Get busy living or get busy dying!

[whichwayisup]

Once again, awesome advice from JM and Gunny! Please, take their words to heart and listen to them.

[hopeful26]

Holy hell, that's a lot of info. I just finished reading all 31 pages. Minus having a kid I feel exactly the same as Chad. I have to say J and Gunny you really impress me. Oh, and my names Keith by the way. Thank you both for your wisdom and advice.

 

What I'm understanding so far is to slow down and work on me. I actually started working on that tonight. I know it's the right thing to do. I just hope I'm consistent.

 

Just so you know my wife (Shannon) and I are still living together. We still sleep in the same bed. She still cooks dinner for us and I still fix the cars. Oh man I would give my left arm for her to be in love with me again. I s'pose my only chance is to work on me, so that's what I'm going to do.

 

When I originally started this thread my wife saw me typing it and asked me what I was doing. I told her I was sharing me feelings. She sat down to read my post about an hour later, and shortly thereafter she came to me and proceeded to tell me the sex I mentioned wasn't just because she was turned on like I mentioned, but that she said she wanted to share it with me and that she really felt it. I said simply, "I'm glad to hear that." Not sure if her reading this is/was a good thing or not.

 

When I came home from work today I went for a run/walk while she watched a movie, something I don't normally do, but I wanted to get out and think for a while. It was nice. Anyway, after my run I started reading those 31 pages. Shortly thereafter my wife came up to me and asked what I was doing; I think she recognized I was back on LS. I told her I was learning. She seemed as if she wanted my attention but I didn't immediately give it all to her. I smiled and she went back to cooking dinner. Then, about 5 minutes later she comes back, slowly sticks her finger on the monitor power button, looks at me, hesitates, then turns it off! This piqued my curiosity and I was excited that she appeared to want my undivided attention. I asked her why she did it and she said something like, "Because I want you to come eat dinner!" Anyway, that brings me to now. She's long since asleep. I can't sleep (not typical for me at all). I've got a lot to digest.

 

Thank you for listening. It's amazing how much better I feel after reading your responses. I'm looking forward to a lot of learning and do-ing.

[Reckless]

It struck me that if you've been together for a total of 6 or so years you guys were pretty young when you hooked up. I think that your wife is restless and regretting paths she didn't choose. She wants to go an explore those paths. The only thing you could possible do to make her reconsider is, as you have been advised, playing hardball.

 

 

I can pretty much guarantee that in proportion to the degree to which you withdraw (NOT be mean in ANY WAY, but show her that you believe her when she says its over and start to try and pull away) her interest in you will increase. I'm not saying do it for that reason, its not a game and as you have been told, you have little choice anyway but to face this painful situation; but saying "I'm scared, I don't think I can live without you" is one sure fired way of killing any chance you had of her ever loving you again stone dead.

 

You are young, you will live. Prepare for the worst but I wouldn't give up all hope just yet. She said something dreadful (I wouldn't want to live one second with someone that told me they didn't love me and they weren't in love with me.) but, if you really love her you might be prepared to see if she meant it.

[Gunny376]

Deleted because of BS

[hopeful26]

Last weekend she met up with her best friends from high school. They went out to the clubs and she didn't get home until 4:30am. She always says she hated "the clubs." Not normal behavior for her at all. This morning I wake up to her on the phone saying, "Yeah, I am going out to dinner with Aysha (one of her BF from HS) tonight." Kinda hurt a little. Whatever. It's reality I s'pose.

 

All along I figured if she was the one who wanted a divorce she was going to have to take the steps, for example talking to a realtor about the house. Well today she said she talked to the realtor that sold us our house, asking him some questions about selling a home. Nice. Reality strikes again.

 

Hardball it'll be, up, with a twist of pain.

[hopeful26]

Tonight is extremely hard for some reason. I'm so sad. We haven't seen each other all day (I've tried to keep really busy and stay away from the house) and when I did stop at home she wasn't here, but there were a couple peices of paper with writing on the table, wouldn't exactly call them letters. They weren't addressed to me. They were just her writing about how to find happiness, how to achieve what you want in life, and how you have to do that regardless of others. I'm not sure what to make of them. She's been out with her girlfriends all night. I went out tonight but couldn't have fun. I just wanted to be home.

 

I'm hurting so badly right now.....

[notspiritual]

You remind me of how much I was hurting 2 months ago.

Maybe you want to read my thread to see how I talked myself out of the pain:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t118232/ (optional reading)

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t119521/

[whichwayisup]

I think now that she knows about this place, you've lost your own privacy, to pour out your heart....She probably will read it, or go searching to find you. BUT, don't let that stop you from posting because so many here can help you through this - And maybe, just maybe, her reading your words will open her eyes and she'll see what she's about to lose...You're a good guy.

 

I wish she would put you first more, but it seems she's acting like a teen, out and about all night, doing what she wants when she wants...When two people get married, it isn't "ME" it's "US." There's always someone else to consider. She hasn't considered your feelings, needs much lately and yes, you had a good few days with her, but in all honesty, it sounds like she buttered you up for something which hasn't happened yet.....If that makes any sense..

 

Sorry that you're hurting.