I messed up bigtime, I love my wife!!

2 months ago she moved out of our house, a week before that we had talked about her wanting to leave but I thought we worked threw it. She was talking to her Ex boyfriend for about 6 weeks before she left, but says that she just needed someone to talk to, and that he would listen. She swears they had/have nothing going on in fact he upset because she wants only a friend in him! (she says) Anyway when she moved out, it was the hardest hurt I've ever felt! I was out with some buddys and this girl started talking to me, I figured my wife left me why not talk to her. I seen her a few times but always talked about my Marriage with her, she listened and seemed to care, One night I followed all her friends bachk to her place, I went in and we started talking, I woke up the next morning and had panties in my pocket??? I would have remembered if we did anything, But she said we didn't and she didn't know how the panties were in my pocket, I told my wife i was talking to another girl (to try to get to her) and it worked, she was crying wanting me to take her back. I was still to upset and was reluctant, but knew that is what I wanted. The next day she found that girls number in my cellphone hidden under a friends name, she left the house and I told her i wanted to hold off on her moving back in, she said it was because of the girl ( it wasn't) I just wanted to make sure she was not just wanting me cause she thought some else wanted me. Well stupid me held onto those panties and my wife found them, So in Two weeks time she went from loving me and wanting us to work, to going to an attorny and talking about divorce, The bottom line is that after all these games we've played I realize just how much I love her, I want to spend the rest of my life with her!! She says she doesn't want it to work anymore and will not even try now!! I just want my wife and my son back, how can I make her see that no Woman could ever replace her, And I love her more than ever now!! She always felt I didn't love her enough, well I want her to feel how much I love her but she won't let me, I just don't know what to do please help, She hates talking to me now, I just want our marriage to last!!!!

tell her you've got a panty fetish or that your like to dress in women's clothes? Naw, that might make things worse ~ don't you think?

First off, welcome to the board. Settle in and get comfortable

Next, you'll find a lot of what you're looking for in this thread among other.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t90264 paying particular to the 32 list.

Start implementing that immediately

what is the 32 list, i didn't see it

This is from Michelle Weiner Davis' book Divorcebusting:

Quote:

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or

implore!

2. No frequent phone calls

3. Do not point out good points in marriage

4. Do not follow him around the house

5. Do not encourage talk about the future

6. Do not ask for help from family members

7. Do not ask for reassurances

8. Do not buy gifts

9. Do not schedule dates together

10. Do not spy on spouse

11. Do not say "I Love You"

12. Act as if you are moving on with your life

13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive

14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get

busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends,

etc.

15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start

the conversation) be scarce or short on words

16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his

whereabouts, ASK NOTHING

17. You need to make your partner think that you have

had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you

are going to move on with your life, with or without

your spouse

18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull

back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more

important, realize what he will be missing

19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show

your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him

someone he would want to be around.

20. All questions about marriage should be put on

hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which

may be a while)

21. Never lose your cool

22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic

23. Do not argue about how he feels (it only makes

their feelings stronger)

24. Be patient

25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really

saying to you

26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you

want to speak out

27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh &

focus on all the other parts of your life that are not

in turmoil)

28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly

29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest

CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any

words you can say or write

30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you

are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy

31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with

your spouse

32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than

50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in

absolute negatives because he is hurting and scared

33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad

you feel

34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes

I wouldn't implement this until AFTER she refuses compliance. Instead, I'd be fairly cooperative with her right up until Legal Separation. After that, I'd do 180's and let her stew a little. She'll be off balance because she's no longer in charge, and she'll be wondering if you're moving on without her.

180's are best done while you're still in contact. The idea is to be ATTRACTIVE, but not solitious. You're pleasant, you're charming, but you're also doing what you need to do in order to protect your family. Right now, you don't have to worry about going to NC (no contact). You're nowhere near needing that yet.

By the way you were on the right track, except you were a little off in your method. You've got get a hold of yourself and get out of the needy~desperate mode. You stay in the needy-despeate mode ~ you've lost her for good.

What you've got to work for first is balance. In other words no matter the outcome ~ you're cool with it. You want to use mental and emotional ju-jitsu on this. Whatever she throws at you, you flip it on her. The more emotinal she gets, the calmer you get. The more ilrational she gets, the more rational you get.

You're not in charge here, but you are in charge of yourself, your emotions, your feelings, your life, your responses, your answers. If your not ~ then your being "weak minded" and you need to work on that big time! Your not in charge of her, nor of the eventual outcome ~ but you are in charge of how you respond to it, how you handle it, and what you do about it. You can choose the negative or your can choose to be positive. You can choose to be strong ~ or you can choose to be weak.

You can choose to let this destroy you ~ or you can use it as a foundation stone for laying the foundation for building the rest of your life.

Most relationships fail because men aren't and don't listen to women, and women don't and won't listen to men ~ slightly more men than women. Something you can do immediately is if and when you do hear from her, tell her (even if its not on) let me turn off the radio and tv. Convey that you're actually listening to her and what she says.

You cannot convice her that you've changed. You must show that you've changed.

Don't beat yourself up, you had less than half of what you needed in your skill set to be married in the first place.

Don't give crediability to any fantasy's. Forget movies and tv ~ they're just going to screw you up.

Welcome to Reality 101, its a mother trucker. Its not going to be pretty, its not going to be fun. The Twilight Zone hasn't got ****e on reality, and Mr. Reality he don't play. When Mr. Reality walks in the door, everyone takes off their hats, and make way for him, even Bad, Bad Lee Roy Brown, and Vinnie and the Boys. When Mr. R gets done with you, you can pick up your azz at the front door on the way out.

If your so inclined, stay off the booze and the drugs ~ now is the time to give them up. Your only postponing the azz whopping Mr. R's fixing to put on you, making it harder, and tougher than it has to be. You've got two choices here, the Easy Way or the Hard Way, but Mr. R is going to whip your azz! How he does it, is entirely up to you.

If your having trouble sleeping go to WalMart to the Herbal and Vitamin section and get yourself some over the counter, non-presecription, non-addictive Melatonin. While your there pick up some SAM-e (its there you've just got to look for it) Take 400mg (two tablets for seven days), then cut back to 200mg (of the SAM-e) the fog will begin to lift. Its expensive but cheaper than a fifth a day habit!

Get physical. Go for a long walk daily. Go to the gym. The more physically assertaive your are the better. Stay active, stay moving. Approach this strategically (big picture) and tactically (little picture).

Forget the wife, the marriage, what we've got to work on is getting you put back together, because there's not going to be a wife, nor marriage unless we can get you put back together. And, the first thing we're going to have to do is get your head out of your azz! That's major surgery. Like I said, Mr. R he don't play.

tell her you've got a panty fetish or that your like to dress in women's clothes? Naw, that might make things worse ~ don't you think?

 

First off, welcome to the board. Settle in and get comfortable

 

Next, you'll find a lot of what you're looking for in this thread among other.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t90264 paying particular to the 32 list.

Start implementing that immediately

Chad...

I guess you could read my posts.. see where I was and where I am today... Getting yourself sorted out.. is the only way.. we... have a chance of even the remotist chance of reconcilation.. and if that never happens.. trust me.. you will still be a better person for it.. Trial by fire, I guess

Be strong.. the folks here on LS have helped me soooo much... THey can do the same for you.. just keep it together and keep posting and read.. read.. read...! Take advise and learn.... You are the student now.

All the best

ilmw

Chad...

I guess you could read my posts.. see where I was and where I am today... Getting yourself sorted out.. is the only way.. we... have a chance of even the remotist chance of reconcilation.. and if that never happens.. trust me.. you will still be a better person for it.. Trial by fire, I guess

 

Be strong.. the folks here on LS have helped me soooo much... THey can do the same for you.. just keep it together and keep posting and read.. read.. read...! Take advise and learn.... You are the student now.

 

All the best

ilmw

I've not fully got my head wrapped around it ~ but there's a common thread that runs through yours, mine, and his stories. I know how I handled it when I went through it, (read the 32) and what it said don't do ~ I did. What it said "do" I didn't do. I ended up going through the Big "D" and I don't mean Dallas.

Lady Jane posted the "32" and I picked up on it immediately. Why? Because way back in the day, I had picked up Micheels's first book before the Internet, etc. "DivorceBusting" The "32" isn't in her first book, (I still have it).

I encourageed you to follow the "32" which you have, with outstanding results. I also lead you to Carlos, not to become a pickup artist, but to regain your "center" I think that eventually you and the wife will get back together. You and her might go through divorce. But, she's not going to find "the man" that she's created through this.

You've changed. I don't even know you. Never meet you! But in a few short months you've changed! You've got your center back! You've got your confidence back! You understand the Tao of it ~ now! You understand the Tao of it all!

Right this second, right this moment ~ you are alive! More alive than you've ever been!

I've not fully got my head wrapped around it ~ but there's a common thread that runs through yours, mine, and his stories. I know how I handled it when I went through it, (read the 32) and what it said don't do ~ I did. What it said "do" I didn't do. I ended up going through the Big "D" and I don't mean Dallas.

 

Lady Jane posted the "32" and I picked up on it immediately. Why? Because way back in the day, I had picked up Micheels's first book before the Internet, etc. "DivorceBusting" The "32" isn't in her first book, (I still have it).

 

I encourageed you to follow the "32" which you have, with outstanding results. I also lead you to Carlos, not to become a pickup artist, but to regain your "center" I think that eventually you and the wife will get back together. You and her might go through divorce. But, she's not going to find "the man" that she's created through this.

 

You've changed. I don't even know you. Never meet you! But in a few short months you've changed! You've got your center back! You've got your confidence back! You understand the Tao of it ~ now! You understand the Tao of it all!

 

Right this second, right this moment ~ you are alive! More alive than you've ever been!

Guns ..You got it bud!

I am alive.. and it feels good... and i can't thank you and everyone else who took the time to guide me through this...crap!

Chad.... you can and will survive this.. just open your mind to what is said on LS... these folks are fantastic..

ilmw

she says she will always love me, and that she is just giving up maybe because she is scared to go threw this again, She does not want our son (who just turned 17 months) to be bounced around, frankly niether do I. This October 10th will be the second year of Marriage for us. I want to make it to the 22 year with her she is just a wonderful woman, and a terrific mother!

Who is Carlos??

I encourageed you to follow the "32" which you have, with outstanding results. I also lead you to Carlos, not to become a pickup artist, but to regain your "center" I think that eventually you and the wife will get back together. You and her might go through divorce. But, she's not going to find "the man" that she's created through this.

I got this info from Gunny..

Carlos is a dating Guru... but his system for want of a better work has its core at (you) finding or getting your centre back or finding it for the first time.

Sometimes through unforseen circumstances we men lose our centre.. lose focus who we should be. It happened to me and I became needy!! Reading Carlos books and listening to his CDs has helped me to 'lock' my self down.. helped me find my inner strength. Being a man again feels good...No Damn Great!

It is worth it... Yeah there is alot of stuff about picking up woman.. but... I take out of it what I need.. I for one do not need another woman in my life.. and Carlos's stuff has helped me... plus LS too:)

Google Carlus Xuma and you will get a taste of what it is about..

Cheers...

ilmw

Sorry to hear you going thru this and have to find yourself here. But you're in a good spot.

Okay, reality check: wtf with hiding the "friends" phone number. I'm not buying it for a minute, bud. Panties in the pocket? Covering up talking to her? Spill it, give us the truth--we don't know you, you don't know us. If it looks like a dead fish, smells like a dead fish, it probably is a dead fish. Ilmw, Gunny--you're doing the manly, grunt, grunt, defend the guy thing here. If he'd found boxers in her pocket, what would have been your response?

Her talking to her X--boy have you two got communications problems! SHE should be talking to YOU and YOU should be talking to HER and that is it! I'm spelling this out for you if you manage to get her back. Don't play the games, are you adults or teenagers? Marriage is serious and I'm sorry you've only now realized this. You've got problems, then she should be the only one you turn to and vice versa.

You have both broken the trust--one of the biggest commandments in marriage. There will be a lot of resentment, hurt, and anger. Her leaving is probably a good thing at this point; you both need your space to grow up and work thru your issues.

Follow the list--its very good but hard to do advice. Give her a copy of the list, let her know you're sorry, that if there will ever be another chance then a lot of things need to change in the way you both communicate, ask her what she's wanting from you in a good husband. Let her know you will be there if there is a chance of reconciling but that it will be her option to initiate it. And in the meantime--you got a lot of work to do on yourself. Lose the girl's phone number and any others you have hidden away, get rid of the panties. You'd better get introspective--for yourself in the long run.

Not meaning to bust your chops, Chad. But open your eyes honey to the whole situation! Cripes.....panties in the pocket after just reconciling? I'd have left your azz, too.

Hi Lor...

I am in no way defending what Chad did (AKA..the panties.. et al)..

I do think...that was a realy..Realy... REALY!.. bad move.

What I personally think is... if Chad is sorry and wants to attempt at reconcilation... he might want to do some self reflection... figure himself out.. before.. so he will know not what to do.. if given the oppurtunity to be with his W again. This is not Macho.. its doing.. being a man and owning up to ones own shortfallings... getting a grip of ones self.. smartning up..waking the @uck up! Growing up.. pulling your boots up..etc..etc

Learning from our mistakes is great.. but repeating the same mistakes.. is stupit.. ( I know from personal knowledge:p)

Ummm.. thats it for now;)

ilmw

the panties were there before reconsiling, I just put them up because I was gonna return (stupid on my part) them, And your Right, she has every right to hate my guts or whatever she feels for me right now! I kept the phone number because I thought she was just trying to stop me from talking to the other girl and I wanted to be sure, Yeah now I know I was being stupid, but its probaly too late! We do have communication issues due to myself and her, But now everything has come out in the wash, and we both realize what needs to be changed in ourselfs. Except she still believes we can not work threw this and remain married, and I believe we can. She dosn't want to try, I do!! I know I can't change her mind, but I can let her know I'll do every thing on my side to make things great!!

I am in no way defending what Chad did (AKA..the panties.. et al)..

 

I do think...that was a realy..Realy... REALY!.. bad move.

gotcha. neither you or Gunny busted his chops for it either which is why I figured it was a guy thing.

What I personally think is... if Chad is sorry and wants to attempt at reconcilation... he might want to do some self reflection... figure himself out.. before.. so he will know not what to do.. if given the oppurtunity to be with his W again. This is not Macho.. its doing.. being a man and owning up to ones own shortfallings... getting a grip of ones self.. smartning up..waking the @uck up! Growing up.. pulling your boots up..etc..etc

 

Learning from our mistakes is great.. but repeating the same mistakes.. is stupit..

Yep, couldn't agree more. Chad's got a lot of work to do on himself and its not a good time for her to see the one step forward, two steps back. Seems he needs to go NC for a while to let things cool off before either one of them try to reinitiate any kind of contact.

Chad, from your last post, sounds like you are starting to "man-up". Follow "the rules", and don't deviate. The way you are right now is not the man she needs so take the time to become that man, use your time wisely right now. If she loves you as much as you love her, you do have a chance but I read two people who don't know how to respect each other and trust in each other.

she was almost always respectful of me, except for an occational comment to try and embarass me, other than that she is a great woman who really had nowere to turn (I guess) so she talked her issues out about us with her ex. That hurts more than anything else right now, I wish I would have been easier to talk with, and she would have been more open! I made very bad choices in a time of grief, I do not agree with them, but that doesn't change things,

I have Bombarded her with letters, note, emails, textmessages, flowers, and my thoughts. I've pushed hard, maybe to hard, she will probally leave because of that. All I wanted to do was show her how much I did truely love her, and that pushed her farther away!!

I still feel you all have much more logic and opinions that can really help me out over here, So feel free to kick puch bite and scratch some sence into my brain

Thanks;)

gotcha. neither you or Gunny busted his chops for it either which is why I figured it was a guy thing.

 

 

 

 

Yep, couldn't agree more. Chad's got a lot of work to do on himself and its not a good time for her to see the one step forward, two steps back. Seems he needs to go NC for a while to let things cool off before either one of them try to reinitiate any kind of contact.

 

Chad, from your last post, sounds like you are starting to "man-up". Follow "the rules", and don't deviate. The way you are right now is not the man she needs so take the time to become that man, use your time wisely right now. If she loves you as much as you love her, you do have a chance but I read two people who don't know how to respect each other and trust in each other.

You know I'm all about "manning-up" and being "accoutable". But doctrine dictates that you break them down and build them back up. He's already down, and I don't believe in kicking a man when he's down. Good post BTW!

hey, buddy--no one means to kick, bite or scratch .....well, maybe a little.

so, there's nothing else going on with her and the X? Not to be critical, but are you sure? Women usually don't turn to their X's in problems with their current relationships. If not, great.

What about you? Have you dumped the other W?--which is what your wife assumes she is, friend or not. Someone once told me that men and women can't be best friends and this is so true. Not if you don't want problems in your M. You've made mistakes, don't we all. Did you learn from them?

You've done the pleading, begging, so on...what's her response? Flat out no, I'm not sure right now, give me some time? To give advice, we need to know what has transpired, more than the bad judgement on both parts and moving out.

You've said she's shown you respect and you her--that is a very vital part of a good relationship. Critical comments can come from even having a bad day. She's closest to you, which means you get the brunt of a bad mood and are supposed to suck it up, don't take it personal and realize that you are a sounding board; i.e. communication. When things like that happen, that's where, instead of getting angry, the S should stop and ask what's wrong. Too many times the receiver gets ticked off, words start being slung around and an all out battle begins over nothing.

You are in I mode right now. I want you back. I love you. I miss you. And can't understand why it is so hard for her to see these things, why she doesn't even seem to want to try and understand. Is that about right? Take yourself out of your shoes and rethink your focus. I need to get my head together. I need to find something that can keep my mind from going crazy. I need to analyze what I did wrong and correct my behavior, even if it means changing my lifestyle, changing some of my friends. I need to leave her alone, no matter how much it hurts, to let her heal.

No ultimatums at this point. No, if you loved me, you'd try. You can't change her thinking, you don't know what she's thinking. You need to refocus your selfishness--which everyone has by the way, no biting intended--from selfishness for wanting your marriage to work to selfishness for taking care to built and remold yourself into a good husband, good father, good man. Let her know you are there if she would like to try and work things out but you respect her enough to give her time to work out her own decision on her own, without your interference. And that you are going to take this time to work on your "bad" side.

I know I came down on you kinda hard--its one of those no-nonsense days for me and poor you gets the brunt of it. but you need someone to smack you upside the head so your eyes'll pop open. "man-up" as Gunny would say. You can't make her make a decision and you don't have any control over anything but yourself.

You know I'm all about "manning-up" and being "accoutable". But doctrine dictates that you break them down and build them back up. He's already down, and I don't believe in kicking a man when he's down.

:o Shame on me. Just think its funny (honestly!) that normally the response would be "kick her azz to the curb" if the shoe was on the other foot. But in this case, its an arm around the shoulder, poor guy, aw I feel your pain buddy, hey, let's grab a beer. And yeah, I'm grinning as I write this. you guys are so funny sometimes; no wonder we don't understand men.

Sometimes the kick while you're down isn't a bad thing--CTA did it to me and it helped open my eyes to my own pity party and faults.

You stupid $%^^&&! Kick, kick, kick! What tha' **** were you thinking azzhole! Stupid Mother Trucker~! kick, kick, kick! What tha ****'s wrong with you! Kick, kick, kick! (Picking him up and slamming him against the wall like a basketball)

Wheeeeee~ ~ (Whipping sweat from brow)

Happy now Lor?

WHAT! WHAT YA LOOKING AT!!!!! YOU WANT SOME OF ME!?

When asked she says: "it's over, She's pretty sure, She can't be hurt again, give me some space, not sure if its for good, don't think she can heal, she will always love me, need to be civil, still do stuff together for our son, get along no matter what, and ........

She swears on our son that nothing did or will ever happen with her EX

I never had a girlFriend, but I do not even talk to her now she would just listen to me talk about my wife, and try to give a little advice. But I don't have any disire to talk to her anymore, there is no need!!

You stupid $%^^&&! Kick, kick, kick! What tha' **** were you thinking azzhole! Stupid Mother Trucker~! kick, kick, kick! What tha ****'s wrong with you! Kick, kick, kick! (Picking him up and slamming him against the wall like a basketball)

 

Wheeeeee~ ~ (Whipping sweat from brow)

 

Happy now Lor?

 

WHAT! WHAT YA LOOKING AT!!!!! YOU WANT SOME OF ME!?

:lmao: :lmao:

Yeah, that's an azzwhoopin' to cry home to mama about!!

Now, how 'bout that beer?

You stupid $%^^&&! Kick, kick, kick! What tha' **** were you thinking azzhole! Stupid Mother Trucker~! kick, kick, kick! What tha ****'s wrong with you! Kick, kick, kick! (Picking him up and slamming him against the wall like a basketball)

 

Wheeeeee~ ~ (Whipping sweat from brow)

 

Happy now Lor?

 

WHAT! WHAT YA LOOKING AT!!!!! YOU WANT SOME OF ME!?

Thank you for all of the emotion, Did I mention she started taking prozac when she shortly before she decided to give up on our marriage, I think it has made her act like a robot, is this a common thing

When asked she says: "it's over, She's pretty sure, She can't be hurt again, give me some space, not sure if its for good, don't think she can heal, she will always love me, need to be civil, still do stuff together for our son, get along no matter what, and ........

 

She swears on our son that nothing did or will ever happen with her EX

 

I never had a girlFriend, but I do not even talk to her now she would just listen to me talk about my wife, and try to give a little advice. But I don't have any disire to talk to her anymore, there is no need!!

Okay, now we can get to work! Give her the space she's asking for. Do like I've said with telling her you will respect her enough to give her time. You can let her know that this has really opened your eyes to your faults and that you are going to work on them.

Civil for your child--no other way to do it. Doing stuff together for your son? Don't know about that--if she sees you all the time, its hard to heal.

Trust her then on the X. If you over analyze it, it'll drive you crazy and make you do really stupid things.

Good on the friend and if she is a friend, she'll respect you enough to stay away also. Thanks for the updated info on your situation. Try what's been recommended and keep posting to let us know how you're doing.

Thank you for all of the emotion, Did I mention she started taking prozac when she shortly before she decided to give up on our marriage, I think it has made her act like a robot, is this a common thing

She may need to switch to something else--but this advice doesn't need to come from you. Talk to someone she trusts and mention this to them, see if they can talk to her about it. Last thing she needs to hear from you is honey, the drugs aren't working right.