Dazza Posted May 10, 2003 Share Posted May 10, 2003 Hi Kat, I'm new to the forum, but have enjoyed reading several comments made by other subscribers. When I was married (big mistake, but we all learn), I looked at other girls, and thought Hmmm, I like that yada yada yada..... Since separating I have had a few relationships, the best one was for 7months, and I like you only had eyes for my girlfriend, it was the strangest thing. She was my world, and no one else could get in. We ended up parting mutualy (we'll she moved to QLD to be with her family) but I have learnt that when you truly love someone, no-one else matters. I am lucky enough now to have experienced that and it has helped me to not make mistakes as I did in the past. I now know what I should feel, and it helps me a lot. You are reacting normaly, in my book anyway. We are all different, that is what makes us so interesting. You are in love, and that is a bloody good thing. Best of luck, Daz. Link to post Share on other sites
Kat Posted May 11, 2003 Share Posted May 11, 2003 I have decided to stop asking stupid questions and wanting him to reply with the answers I want to hear, and not what he thinks. This reply here sums up how it is progressing. I still expect my b/f to be exclusive with me both mind, body and soul, but I am going to leave him personal thoughts to him. We had a small d&m last night and it is amazing how good you feel when you hear exactly what you want(and knowing he means every word). All I needed to hear was that I was all he wants and only me and that he loves me and will for a long time (he is the kind of guy who doesn't see that he has to justify his feelings so has never said anything along the lines of that). *happy smug look* Link to post Share on other sites
Just A Girl2 Posted May 11, 2003 Share Posted May 11, 2003 All I needed to hear was that I was all he wants and only me and that he loves me and will for a long time (he is the kind of guy who doesn't see that he has to justify his feelings so has never said anything along the lines of that). It sounds like you require a lot of constant reassurance and validation from your boyfriend. Be careful. I think the vast majority of guys grow very tired after awhile, of having to constantly reassure their g/f's....like most women, most men appreciate and need to have a confident gal....one who's secure with herself for the most part, isn't emotionally needy/clingy and always insecurely wanting her guy to tell her the things she wants to hear. Besides, actions speak louder than words any day of the week. You've been with your guy for a fairly long time, no? (over a year or has it been longer?).....do you think it's healthy to still requires all these "talks" and reassuring proclamations? Most guys deep down grow rather turned off by this over time. Nobody wants to feel that their partner's entire world revolves around them 24/7...that's a big burden and responsibility (and not a very realistic one) for anyone to feel they have to carry on their shoulders. Link to post Share on other sites
Dazza Posted May 11, 2003 Share Posted May 11, 2003 I don't think their is anything wrong with needing to feel loved. My best friend has been married for 7years (2gether for 10). His wife, who is a good friend to me also, loves to be reasured, and know that she is loved. My mate doesn't mind a bit, those 2 are a great couple, with a beautiful daughter, they are truly in love. I only wish that I will end up as close as those 2 in any future relationships. They have taught me lots, and were great friends when I needed them. The right partner will accept you for all of your wonderful or crazy habbits, without question, want to help and work with you through thick and thin, and will love you for who you are. Link to post Share on other sites
Bill Posted May 11, 2003 Share Posted May 11, 2003 Nobody wants to feel that their partner's entire world revolves around them 24/7 Consider me nobody Link to post Share on other sites
clia Posted May 12, 2003 Share Posted May 12, 2003 I'm sorry, but if you are looking for someone who will revolve their life around you, you are lacking in self esteem. No one with any degree of self confidence or self esteem bases their entire life on another person, or expects that other person to be the center of their life. There is a difference between being a high or top priority and life's center. People with high confidence and self esteem have their own life. They have careers, jobs, friends, and activities that occur outside of their relationship. This does not mean that they value their relationship any less than anyone else. It just means that they have a life. Based on experiences I've seen in my life, with my friends who have been in relationships and have gotten married, there is a higher level of success in those who have lives of their own OUTSIDE of the relationship. Just because you are in a relationship does not mean that you need to spend every second of every day together, nor that you need to base every decision you ever make on another person. I personally think it extremely selfish for anyone to expect to be the "center" of anyone else's world. It's one thing to be a high (or even top) priority--it's something else entirely to be the center of their universe. Believe me, I have been in a situation where someone else's world revolved around me, and it was not fun. Sure, it was flattering, but I never felt like I could just go do things or he would be offended. He would be hurt. He had to call me to make sure I didn't want to do something before he made plans with his friends. Those type of people are clingy with a capital C. After the flattery wears off, it gets intrusive, annoying, and hard to deal with. Unless, of course, you find someone who wants the exact same thing you do. Well guess what? I know couples like that as well, and as time wears on, they realize all they have is each other and they get bored. When you always do things together and base your life only on each other, you run out of things to talk about. You run out of individual goals and needs and wants. You run out of the ability to be able to function on your own and to have fun on your own. You instead turn into *that person* who is calling their spouse every three seconds when they are apart. Hey, you came into this world alone and you die alone. Being in a relationship is being a unit in a sense, but it does not mean that you lose yourself in the process. When someone else becomes the center of your world, you lose yourself. Now, for you, that may be what you want. To me, it spells insecurity left and right. It's insecurity when you can't trust your significant other, regardless. When you aren't insecure in the relationship, your boyfriend/girlfriend can spend an entire evening talking to a person of the opposite sex, and it won't phase you at all. You can do the same, and it won't phase them at all. Insecurity is what leads to mistrust, and to the controlling aspects that force you to want someone else's world to revolve around you, or vice versa. Insecurity occurs when there is a lack of communication in the relationship, when you are questioning how the other person feels about you. Lack of trust occurs in the same way. When you are secure in a relationship, you are not sitting around thinking about hypothetical situations or thinking about whether or not you can trust your significant other. You just do. Link to post Share on other sites
Bill Posted May 12, 2003 Share Posted May 12, 2003 I guess it's not an obsession thing, but more like when you are together... there is an extreme attachment. Not to the point where if you walk out of the room the person goes nuts. Just two people completely connected together that nothing can break them. For me, right now, school is top priority over everything. Well, almost everything, excluding health. I believe my first girlfriend hated my commitment to school. In a relationship, any free time that I had, I'd try to be with the significant other. Outside of school, outings with friends, and whatever else, there's always much time left. I guess my previous posts came out a little awkward. More like this: I'd like to be seen by the significant other as the best thing since sliced bread. It's nice to be admired, but much better to be loved. I'm also really happy with the friends that I have. I could do just about anything and not lose their friendship. I wouldn't do anything, but I'm just making a point. Link to post Share on other sites
loca Posted May 12, 2003 Share Posted May 12, 2003 Everyone must have their own life outside of their relationship. In my opinion these seem to be the most successful relationships. I have also seen couples who revolve their world around their partner. I have friends who disappear when a man/woman is in thier life. No more going out w/ the girls unless he tags along, no I can't do this because my man will not let me etc. I just had a male friend tell me this weekend we could no longer be friends because his girlfriend gets jealous. Partners come and go but friends are always there (even when the partner hurts you) I feel in relationships you must be considerate of your partners feeling and wishes, but as Clia said you must not lose yourself. That is the person your partner fell in love w/ right? People want to be loved and treated w/ respect, but it is a different ball game when you have to be told everyday how special you are. When you are in a relationship you should have enough confidence without a emotional "how much I love you and want to be with you" peptalk. A simple look or rose can say so much more. Actions speak louder than words. Link to post Share on other sites
jessicakicksbut Posted May 13, 2003 Share Posted May 13, 2003 . I have also seen couples who revolve their world around their partner. I have friends who disappear when a man/woman is in thier life. No more going out w/ the girls unless he tags along, no I can't do this because my man will not let me etc. I just had a male friend tell me this weekend we could no longer be friends because his girlfriend gets jealous. Partners come and go but friends are always there Although I agree with you that you no one should lose themselves in a relationship, I do not agree with your philosophy that friends are always there, and I can see in a way why some friends disappear when a man or woman is in their life. When one is in a committed, exclusive relationship, some friendships are just hard to keep. For instance, it is hard to relate to the friend who only wants to hang out with you in order to have someone to go to nightclubs with so they can pick up guys. Or, it is hard to hang out with a friend who will not be happy for you that you are in a relationship, and "does not want to hear" about your new relationship because "they are still single, and think they will be single for life". When I started dating my fiance, I actually was accused of "disappearing" like you said, when in all actuality, I stopped bothering with my friend because she did not approve of my relationship. Everytime I would spend time with her, she would give me hour long lectures on how I should reconsider dating my boyfriend, all her reasons being shallow (he dressed funny, he didn't make as much money as me, his interests were strange,etc.). I would try to change the subject many times, but she would go back to finding resons why I should not be with him. I got fed up, sent her an e-mail telling her I can not be around her, and that I felt our friendship was emotionally damaging to myself. Later on, I found out she was really jealous that I found what she called her "dream guy", and was fed up that she never got as lucky as me. Hmmm, supportive friend...I THINK NOT! I hate to say it, and maybe others will agree, when you are young, single, and looking for some guys/girls to date, it is fun and helpful to hang out with friends who are "always on the prawl", or worded differently, looking for guys/girls all the time. But, once you realize that some friendships were only based on "singledom agst", well, they were not true friends anyway. Over the years though, I had a small group of friends who I stuck by through thick and thin, and always made time for as I went through different relationships. As we are getting older, time spent is far and few between now due to jobs, bills, responsibilities (such as home ownership), fulfilling lifetime goals, and distance. What I learned throughout the years is that partners come and go, but so do friends. You may think to yourself "that will never happen"...but, as adulthood and responsiblity sets it, it does! All I have to say is, never neglect your family, because blood is thinker than water and they will always be there...both friends and partners may come and go, but family is there for life! Link to post Share on other sites
Kat Posted May 13, 2003 Share Posted May 13, 2003 Originally posted by loca Everyone must have their own life outside of their relationship. In my opinion these seem to be the most successful relationships. I have also seen couples who revolve their world around their partner. I have friends who disappear when a man/woman is in thier life. No more going out w/ the girls unless he tags along, no I can't do this because my man will not let me etc. I just had a male friend tell me this weekend we could no longer be friends because his girlfriend gets jealous. Partners come and go but friends are always there (even when the partner hurts you) I feel in relationships you must be considerate of your partners feeling and wishes, but as Clia said you must not lose yourself. That is the person your partner fell in love w/ right? People want to be loved and treated w/ respect, but it is a different ball game when you have to be told everyday how special you are. When you are in a relationship you should have enough confidence without a emotional "how much I love you and want to be with you" peptalk. A simple look or rose can say so much more. Actions speak louder than words. loca I totally agree, and as silly as it seems, I am getting better. I am working on my "constant worrying" and I know where it all comes from. My ex used to forget about me when I left the room. If he went out, he was single, he perved on a chick he would forget he had a girlfriend and try his hardest to pick up. I have explained this to my b/f and about the fact I have to get used to him still loving me and thinking of me (to an extent) when I am not around. It is a slow process, but even my b/f has pointed out I am getting better. I have even had a few proud hugs from him It is nice Link to post Share on other sites
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