Author wtdwtd Posted December 11, 2007 Author Share Posted December 11, 2007 What many of you don't understand is that I'm a first-time bride--I've dreamed of my wedding day, and we can't talk to his son in person because he doesn't have that type of relationship with father--barely see each other and doesn't live anywhere near us....If he's there, my future hubby will be concentrating on him and his whereabouts our entire wedding day--he definitely won't be concentrating on us...I know many of you will call that selfish but you have no idea how much pressure, stress that will put on our entire day. His son has never traveled alone and will be lost in the big city we're getting married in. It will be like a 24-hour babysitting watch, not a romantic dream day......There's really nobody to watch the teenager and, yes, call it selfish, but it will absolutely take away from us. Obviously his own mother didn't invite him to her second marriage, because she didn't want him to take away from her romantic day...I also don't want the added stress of gossipy relatives talking about the son. Link to post Share on other sites
Author wtdwtd Posted December 11, 2007 Author Share Posted December 11, 2007 ....................................................... Link to post Share on other sites
Ocean-Blue Posted December 11, 2007 Share Posted December 11, 2007 What many of you don't understand is that I'm a first-time bride--I've dreamed of my wedding day, and we can't talk to his son in person because he doesn't have that type of relationship with father--barely see each other and doesn't live anywhere near us....If he's there, my future hubby will be concentrating on him and his whereabouts our entire wedding day--he definitely won't be concentrating on us...I know many of you will call that selfish but you have no idea how much pressure, stress that will put on our entire day. His son has never traveled alone and will be lost in the big city we're getting married in. It will be like a 24-hour babysitting watch, not a romantic dream day......There's really nobody to watch the teenager and, yes, call it selfish, but it will absolutely take away from us. Obviously his own mother didn't invite him to her second marriage, because she didn't want him to take away from her romantic day...I also don't want the added stress of gossipy relatives talking about the son. He is your soon to be husband's flesh and blood. Regardless of the inconvenience he may pose, he is family, and as such, should be included in the bridal party. I feel bad for the kid. He was happy just being invited? By virtue of NOT including him in the bridal party, you are signaling to him that he is unimportant and is not part of the inner circle - the family that you and your soon to be H will create. How sad for him. If this boy were to have done something malicious or intentionally cruel against your person, then I can understand having this dilemma. How can your fiance stand by and not say anything? Doesn't it bother you that he has not expressed absolute interest in having his child in the bridal party? When you marry someone, you marry their family as well (most especially their children). Whether you like it or not, this boy is a part of your life. However, if your fiance doesn't deem his child as being important enough, then I suppose I cannot blame you for being ambivalent about this whole thing. Link to post Share on other sites
nittygritty Posted December 11, 2007 Share Posted December 11, 2007 What many of you don't understand is that I'm a first-time bride--I've dreamed of my wedding day, and we can't talk to his son in person because he doesn't have that type of relationship with father--barely see each other and doesn't live anywhere near us....If he's there, my future hubby will be concentrating on him and his whereabouts our entire wedding day--he definitely won't be concentrating on us...I know many of you will call that selfish but you have no idea how much pressure, stress that will put on our entire day. His son has never traveled alone and will be lost in the big city we're getting married in. It will be like a 24-hour babysitting watch, not a romantic dream day......There's really nobody to watch the teenager and, yes, call it selfish, but it will absolutely take away from us. Obviously his own mother didn't invite him to her second marriage, because she didn't want him to take away from her romantic day...I also don't want the added stress of gossipy relatives talking about the son. Pre-marital counseling may help. The issues with you and your fiance's relationship with his son need serious improvement before the marriage ceremony takes place. It won't be a dream wedding if the marriage is unsuccessful. Link to post Share on other sites
JA2 Posted December 11, 2007 Share Posted December 11, 2007 OMG, I can't believe what you are saying. First of all he's a teenager, not a toddler. I'm sure he'll be okay. And I can't believe your reasoning for your fiancé's ex to not invite her own son, cause she didn't want it to take away from her wedding and the romance. I sure hope you aren't planning to have a family, cause you really need some growing up to do. And what doesn't make sense is you say you invited him to the wedding, so what would make a difference if he's in the wedding party or not as far as your "baby-sitting" comment. I mean if he's already coming to the wedding, then that is no argument, seriously, listen to yourself. I really don't think having his son in the wedding party is going to take away from any of the romance. Actually most women would find more sentimental that he would want his son to be a part of that special day. Being sentimental is VERY romantic. I agree with "nittygritty" I think you both need some counseling, it's a shame that you both don't want to be closer to his son. I cant tell you enough how surprise I am that you don't want to encourage it. Link to post Share on other sites
girlwithglasses Posted December 11, 2007 Share Posted December 11, 2007 He might surprise you and agree, in ostentatiously surly fashion, to do the tux/prayers thing. Rebellious teenagers can be quite intimidating, but I think they often appreciate being included in family stuff more than they let on. Or if they don't appreciate it, they at least appreciate being extended the opportunity to refuse to participate. I agree wholeheartedly with this opinion. Regardless of the specific shortcomings in the relationship, your stepson is your husband's child. My step kids were invited to be in our wedding. Their mother made sure they didn't even attend much less be in the wedding party, but they will always know that we wanted them to play a part in our day. Not at least offering to have the step son in the wedding party would be putting the emphasis on the wrong aspect (matching groomsmen, perfect wedding pictures) rather than the important things ( love, family, togetherness). Link to post Share on other sites
CaterpillarGirl Posted December 11, 2007 Share Posted December 11, 2007 I'm also not sure why it is more a babysitting problem if he's in the wedding versus just attending the wedding? In any case, 1) Ask your fiance how he feels about having his son in the wedding. Make sure to openly share your fears about the romance factor. 2) If any of your fiance's family is coming (brothers, sisters, parents), recruit them to be there for your fiance's son. Maybe they could assist in picking him up from the airport, helping him dress, etc. Link to post Share on other sites
lovesparis Posted December 12, 2007 Share Posted December 12, 2007 i seriously cannot believe you would ever consider not asking him to be in the wedding in some way shape or form. frankly, you don't sound mature enough to be getting married. your step-son, is now your family. and you're too worried about having a "picture-perfect" wedding to worry about him, or how he may feel. i bet if you had a child, you would want them included, but since it's just your stepson, it doesn't matter. and you never see him anyway, so, what does it matter, right? eta, really, if you can't discuss openly and honestly with your husband, your picture perfect wedding isn't going to matter when you have your sloppy divorce. and additionally, your step-son is a teenager. he's old enough to babysit, not need a babysitter. and if your STBH would bother spending more time with him, he would have experienced the "big city" that you live in and the allure of going off wouldn't be so enticing. and yeah, someone should be at the airport to meet him; and if that can't be you AND H, it should be an uncle or grandparent. your logic for not having him in the wedding sounds more like your logic for NOT INVITING HIM AT ALL. this post makes me sick. Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted December 16, 2007 Share Posted December 16, 2007 Stepson's mom was remarried recently and NEVER invited her own son to the civil ceremony!!! Has Stepson been a pawn in some ongoing hostility between his parents? (I feel like offering to adopt that poor kid, myself. All his "grown-ups" sending clear signals about how much he is wanted and esteemed. Oi vey!) I don't have kids. My b/f has two adult boys...they are the same as MY kids, too! Not only that, B/F's whole crazy family are mine. How on earth could I choose B/F without also acknowledging the whole pack o' nuts that comes with him? Oh...maybe it's just cos my family are 100 times crazier and nuttier -- and he knows he "inherits" them, too. Thank God, B/F has more than enough love and compassion to embrace the whole lot of loons. Seriously, if I really wanted someone with zero life experience (that is, no "baggage"), I'd have to be trying to hook-up with a 16-year old, wouldn't I? Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted December 16, 2007 Share Posted December 16, 2007 , but the woman he's married is kind and strong enough to welcome me with open arms. ... , as we are all family. Psst...do me a favour, please? Give your step-mom a BIG hug from me. (And whisper in your Dad's ear that you know *exactly* why he chose her.) I *love* your post!!! It ought to be required reading for ANYone, ANYwhere, who is getting into any sort of relationship where kids from prior relationships are involved. That includes 'future' grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc., etc. Wishing you the very best for the Holidays...and far beyond that. Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted December 16, 2007 Share Posted December 16, 2007 My 3 year old step son ... proudly states that he 'got married with Daddy and LK!!' DRATS!!! You made me cry Now, please do tell how I could possibly get those adult boys I talked about a coupla posts up to "marry me" with their Dad... Thanks, everyone - especially OP. Who knew one could end up feeling so much more love and appreciation for all the really important things in life, from such a seemingly "selfish" perspective? At worst now, I'm seeing it as simply "misguided". Link to post Share on other sites
moorem Posted January 4, 2008 Share Posted January 4, 2008 OMG I just have to say this! I don't know you or your family or your church but maybe if the church and your family is all like this than maybe the boy is better off not coming at all! He should not be left out of the marriage regardless of what people might say or think of him or what he does! I understand it is your wedding day and you want it to be perfect but the right thing is the right thing!!! The kid needs to be welcomed! Link to post Share on other sites
AdrianaLima Posted January 4, 2008 Share Posted January 4, 2008 Think about this. If you had a child, wouldn't you want him or her to be a part of it. That boy is now your step-son, which means he is family. I don't see a difference in the boy being in the wedding, from him just attending it. Then in the end, everyone is going to be pointing fingers at you. Link to post Share on other sites
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