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he paid my bills now i owe him my life!!!

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my b'f loaned me some money to pay off my bills, credit cards mainly, and today as always am having a frustrated day with this stupid compaq computer and he called when i was at circuit city looking at lap tops, anything BUT compaq.


so he had a fit cause i was out spending on my credit card that he loaned me the money to pay them off with.


so now i feel that i can't do anything with my money/credit cards or anything because of this, is this fair?


i realize that he has a point but still i feel that i can't do anything now with my own money and i feel cheated out of everything.

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That's a tough situation. If you put yourself into his shoes, he paid off your credit cards and then when you exhibit behavior that indicates frivious spending he gets uptight and rightly so. Unless you have paid him back, he has a reason to get upset. While it wouldn't be right to montior all your transactions, it sounds as though he is making sure that you don't get yourself into debt again. In order to feel in control of your own monetary situation, maybe paying him back is the only way.


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From your boyfriend's perspective, he got you out of your credit card debt and, instead of using some restraint in spending, you're getting yourself back into debt. In other words, you are once again spending the money he used to pay off your debt.


I think what he had in mind was getting you even with the world so you would be less stressed and concerned about money. He also doesn't want you to get the idea that he will bail you out everytime you max out your credit cards.


I don't think he's trying to control you, I just think he would very much like to see you become more responsible with money...that is, to stop spending money you don't have. There is no such thing as a credit card...there are only cards that get you into DEBT.


I don't think he would mind you doing things with your own money...but charging on credit cards is NOT your own money...it's money you very plainly don't have.


My guess is that if you don't get your financial act together, at some point he will dump you. Money is a major cause of divorce. This man is not going to get very serious with a woman who can't handle her money...much less money she doesn't have.


Bottom line: Save 10 percent of every penny you make. Then go from there. And live off money you have now rather than money you'll be getting at some future time. If you spend money now that your future money will have to pay off you will have no money in the future to spend on what you need.

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and i did not buy anything besides a new mouse because i broke the other one in pieces when i got mad at the computer.


i see his point and both of your points as well, and the fact that if i spend money now that i have to pay in the future then i will be spending money in the future that i need then.


that just makes so much sense! i never thought of it that way, but now i will think of it that way when ever i go to use my credit (debt cards) i will say from now on too.


but i am wounded in my heart of the things that he said to me when he was mad at me.


there was no need for him to get so irate, and his words are lingering in my ears.


he even said if i bought a lap top he would never talk to me again! that would be difficult since we live together.


thanks both of you for some wonderful advice!

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Why don't you tell him that you are trying to see his point of view, hold off on buying a new laptop - at least until you have paid him back, and also tell him that the way in which he expressed his displeasure to you was very painful and that you need to be able to discuss things with him without loud or hurtful words.


My husband and I were arguing the other night and he went into his den and said he thought he'd better stay in there a while so that we don't hurt each other. We just needed a cooling-off period so we could discuss the problem and not snap at each other.


Maybe you two also need to learn HOW to argue/disagree with each other.


Also, also - there are credit counseling services all over the place. They are free and will help you to understand how your credit and spending habits have a negative effect. You may think you know - but these folks provide some real eye-opening information for a lot of people who find themselves in debt so deep they can't breathe and wonder how it got that way. They might be able to help you with some decision making tools that will help you in the future

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Just A Girl2

You wrote:


and i did not buy anything besides a new mouse because i broke the other one in pieces when i got mad at the computer.


You busted your mouse into pieces because you were mad at the computer? Don't you think that sounds quite out of control? Might be a bit of an anger/temper problem if you resort to busting things up when you're angry.


You mentioned something along the lines of feeling that you should feel free to spend your money as you want/need...but hun, a credit card isn't YOUR money.......it's simply someone else's money you're borrowing at the time (credit card company), which if not paid off in full at the end of the period, accrues a good bit of interest.


Your b/f was nice enough to loan you money to pay off bills and credit card debt. Wow, you obviously have a very generous, caring b/f. The vast majority of people who get themself into debt don't have the luxury of having someone to bail them out.


So are you going to be paying him back for what he loaned you? You surely should, that's only right.


Unless your computer totally crashed and was deemed to be totally inoperable, running out with the intention of buying a new laptop (those aren't cheap) and putting it on a credit card that your b/f graciously paid off for you.....well I can totally understand his reaction. I imagine deep down, he wouldn't mind it at all if you were better at managing your money and paying off your debts, as well as keeping your debts down...not racking them up then him digging you out of the hole you've created.

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I have a friend that also got into credit card debt, along with other debts, and he boyfriend helped her out with some expenses. He is no saint, believe me, but I think she should have been more grateful, and made an effort to get out of debt. She has borrowed for everyone in her family, and even me and has yet to return a dime. She got to a point she stopped paying on her credit cards, and had them cancelled due to going over the limits. She ended up having to start paying for things she would typically pay for cash, as well as the credit cards, which eventually caused her to have to stop paying her other less important bills just so she can eat, have electricity, a phone, etc. As time wore on, she ended up almost getting her house forclosed, her car got repossed (but she got it back...long story how she go tthe money), and she is in the hole even worse.


The reason I am telling you this story is to describe to you how bad credit card debt can be. You need to get out of credit card debt, even if it means cutting corners on luxuries, not going out to eat, not going to the movies or the bar, or whatever you may do that costs money. It may mean having to buy generic food, and primarily cook at home, shop dollar and discount stores, pass up clothing sales if you don't need clothes, etc. Don't buy anything unless you need it until you get your cards paid off, because it can start a downward spiral that could cause you to eventually lose everything you have.


Just my two cents!

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just wanted to say that i do not spend a lot of money, that i do not feel that i have a spending problem either, yes i did get in debt because i was not making a lot of money at the time but now i am so i do not need to use them anyway as much.


i had seven visa cards all with high limits so i had good credit anyway and rarely went over my limit. i kept only three cards that were my longest trade lines and lowest interest rates.


i have only used them since for gas and necessities as to keep them in use to build credit score ratings. the only thing i was going to it for yesterday when i was so frustrated with this computer was to buy a lap top.


i did not buy anything but a new mouse and that was enough, and i am glad that i walked out of the store and i think it was more out of frustration and anger with this crappy thing.


i do not have a temper/anger problem, ask anyone who knows me and they will tell you i am the most calm person they have met, it takes alot to rile me to get mad like i did.


i love taking pics with my digital camera and i have 467 pics on my compute and i was trying to get rid of some that i no longer wanted, and i would high light a bunch then delete them and do it over again...


i would high light about twenty or more at a time then delete them so i had quite a few deleted, or so i thought.

just when i thought i should be getting done i scrolled down to see how many more i had left and there i found hundreds of them that had copied themselves, the one's that i had just deleted, i had six more copies of everyone.


i tried deleting them too, and by the time i got so mad and threw the mouse i had eleven copies AND copies of copies of copies of copies, LITERALLY!


so i ended up with well over a thousand more pics then what i started with.


i have so many problems with this dumb compaq and iknow others who do as well, so it is not just me. that is why i got so pist!


am calm today and am glad i did notbuy anythikng..

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It is not necessary to defend yourself on this forum. You do not have to justify your spending habits or your personal financial status. However, I think you need to communicate with your boyfriend to find out exactly what strings were attached to his paying off your credit cards, what his motivation was, etc.


No matter how good you are with handling money, to have seven visa cards with high limits which you could tap at any time is pretty bizarre. This is debt you don't need. The joy you will feel by being debt free far surpasses any temporary joy you may feel by buying something on credit, the debt of which can weigh heavily on your mind for many months or years.


I think your boyfriend cares about you enough to not want you to once again get heavily indebted. At the same time, he doesn't need to go bonkers every time you use that card. Talk to him and get this straight!

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I just don't understand why anyone would want so many credit cards. You don't owe an explanation here -- I'm just expressing my amazement that some people feel they need so many credit cards.


If you run one up and can't pay it off then you sure don't need a second one.


You said you were not making a lot of money at the time - then you should not have been using credit cards at all.


Then you say you rarely went over your limit, but it sounds like you did go over or at least max out the cards at some point.


Sounds like you were living way beyond your means.


I can understand how some credit problems happen -- I've been there, and been homeless, but responsible spending doesn't require multiple credit cards.


I used to work with a woman who showed me her wallet full of credit cards. She must have had at least 30 cards. Multiples of Visa, MC, Discover, AE, Diners Club, an assortment of department store and gas station credit cards. She was proud of the fact that it took her a few hours every month to pay the bills, and complained about the high interest rate. She was older than me - in her late 40's at the time so I guess she's now in her late 50's, and she laughed because her combined credit limit was over triple her salary. Her daddy paid off her credit cards for her for Christmas every year.


I laughed when she told me her oldest daughter was busted for writing bad checks to pay her own overdue credit card bills. She just didn't understand how that could happen to her daughter. I wanted to tell her how it really happened, but what she couldn't understand is why her daughter didn't go to her or her father for the money.

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well that is quite a funny but sad story about the lady and her daughter. the way i ended up with so many credit cards was one xmas i was working and doing just fine then i lost my job, it was right before xmas one year so that hurt more then anything.


i took this other part time job, all that i could get then but ended up so sick and could not work for a few weeks and lost that one too.


i knew that at one point i would get to working again but in the mean time i desperatly needed money for xmas for my children and family.


so i got on line and applied for visa cards, and got approved for a few different ones, but they only gave me limits of 200.00 and i wanted more!


so i kept trying until no more offers came in. those same visas are the one i have still and or got rid of too.


they gradually increased my limits on all of them, but i honestly went over my limit only once or twice and that was totally on accident.


i would hate to go over on a regualr basis because of the $29.00 fee for that, but i did manage to max out all my cards at one time.


so i paid them off what i could each month, none of them ever went into collection and i made darn sure of that because the last thing i ever wanted to do was ruin my credit rating that i was trying to re-build as well.


so i only have two visas and the circuit city card, i keep the circuit city card for things like ink for my photo printer and cartridges for the printer and for mostly computer stuff like that.


i know i don't owe any explanation but it feels good to say it all and to remember from whence i came in debt to now.


please understand that i am ever so greatful for my honey to of helped me out and going and buying a new lap top yesterday would of been a disservice to him and dis-respect as well as he did give me the money to help me, that is also why i didn't buy one plus i had cooled off by the time i got there.


so i am ever so careful these days and i am trying desperately not to use them out of luxury and only for necessity as i do not want myself back in that jam, it is ever so so stressful to have to keep paying these bills each month and now only having three to worry about if i use them is much more pleasant a life style then seven of them!


thanks for all your input, you seem truly full of wisdom and i respent your iinput.

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hi tony, i just found your post after i posted to hokey and i did talk to him last night about all this. i just basically told him that he need not yell and scream at me for this stuff but to just talk to me in a nice calm voice would be much more effective and i would be more perseptive to that then to his yellng at me.


he did agree that he would try that from now on but i've heard that in the past so who knows. he was greatly relieved to find out that i did not go buy a lap top either but i did have tobuy a new mouse which we sorta needed anyway because one of the kids sorta broke it but it worked anyway.


i am glad i don't have to defend myself here but i did want to just clarify what i clarifed below to hokey.


thank you for your help from all of you.

now if i could just get this dumb computer working right i could be even more happier!

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Gio Casanova

Several things. First:


Originally posted by joann

seven visa cards all with high limits...and rarely went over my limit.


Yikes. You had seven VISA cards with, in your words, "high limits", and yet you STILL went over your limit!?


Now, a few more points:


  • It's nice to get angry at your computer and pretend that it's the computer's fault that you copied pictures over and over again. However, as with most computer problems, this is the result of you doing something wrong.
  • You said that the only reason your debt got so high was because you weren't making much money at the time. Maybe you should consider SPENDING LESS when you're MAKING LESS, like normal people do in the real world.
  • You sound like you've got an entitlement complex going on, as though the world owes you something. Being upset that your boyfriend got angry about you going out to buy a new laptop computer with credit cards that he'd just paid off for you? Give me a break.
  • Lastly, your boyfriend is a moron for paying off your credit cards. If he expects you to pay him back (in which case he would have every right to be upset at you spending more money on a laptop) he's a naive moron, because I doubt you ever will. If he doesn't expect you to pay him back, he's just a garden-variety moron who is doing you no favors by bailing you out of a financial crisis you created for yourself and obviously still have no concept of (hence the laptop shopping).


Now, you can take that to the bank and draw interest on it.


- Giovanni

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