Phateless Posted October 12, 2007 Posted October 12, 2007 -One of my best friends -Thought about dating each other when first met (a year ago) -We decided against it so just friends -I thought "who cares if i'm in the friend zone" -now she does stuff like ask me to bring her coffee at work, and just generally has the idea that i'm in love with her and she's in charge -how do i even things out? i really like her as a person and love spending time with her. I'm not trying to date/hook up with her cuz she's just a friend but in a few years I can see myself wanting to. i'm 27 and she's only 20. when i have girl dilemma she's always right there for me to comfort me if something goes wrong. btw, this is NOT one-itis as I have plenty of other girls on tap and I tell her about maybe half of them, lol. She's one of my best friends in the world and I know we love each other as people (no afc) but I feel like she expects me to qualify myself to her. How did I let this happen? insights?
vaguelette Posted October 12, 2007 Posted October 12, 2007 Oh deary me, you got yourself put on the friend ladder without any fight at all, didn't you? Check out http://wwww.ladderwiki.com All your answers are there, but for starters, don't get her coffee any more.
Author Phateless Posted October 12, 2007 Author Posted October 12, 2007 I've heard of the ladder theory, but I don't know the details. I've perused MM a little bit. Don't worry, I didn't get her coffee.
buckdawg Posted October 12, 2007 Posted October 12, 2007 not to be contrarian but what does it cost you to get her coffee? your a guy you're supposed to be chivalrous, if she truly is your friend. now if it's a one way street well, then, that's another story.
Ocean-Blue Posted October 12, 2007 Posted October 12, 2007 She sees you as a friend with benefits (the benefits being her little fetch me this guy). Tell her straight up that you have a life and she's not your girlfriend and that you don't have to be at her beck and call all the time. If she's a friend, she'll get it and back off. If she gets hurt, well you're going to have to nurse her bruised ego. Either way, talk to her and tell her you'd like to "even things out".
Author Phateless Posted October 12, 2007 Author Posted October 12, 2007 See that's dangerous cuz she does things for me too... but I never ask her for them. Like bring me cookies when I'm sick or feeling bad... She's a total sweetheart. I just don't want to establish a pattern of me being her bitch.
Ocean-Blue Posted October 12, 2007 Posted October 12, 2007 See that's dangerous cuz she does things for me too... but I never ask her for them. Like bring me cookies when I'm sick or feeling bad... She's a total sweetheart. I just don't want to establish a pattern of me being her bitch. Well you gotta give a little to get a little. But if you find you're doing more for her ...and you're not comfortable with it, you need to say something. Otherwise, she'll assume it's cool with you and continue to play pretend-wife.
Author Phateless Posted October 13, 2007 Author Posted October 13, 2007 Yeah I don't play house until she's my gf.
Author Phateless Posted October 14, 2007 Author Posted October 14, 2007 All in all, if one of us needs something, the other one is ON IT, so that's good. But for little ****, I don't want to get into the pattern of her thinking it's ok to ask me for stupid **** just because she thinks I like her and she can get away with it. We're kinda like Will and Grace except I'm straight, lol
Ocean-Blue Posted October 14, 2007 Posted October 14, 2007 All in all, if one of us needs something, the other one is ON IT, so that's good. But for little ****, I don't want to get into the pattern of her thinking it's ok to ask me for stupid **** just because she thinks I like her and she can get away with it. We're kinda like Will and Grace except I'm straight, lol So why not just come out and tell her?
Magnatolia Posted October 15, 2007 Posted October 15, 2007 Sorry but I think you're whinging over something small. She does things for you, and you do things for her. If you're worried about the balance, then ask her to do something for you and see how she reacts. Friends do things for each other, however sometimes you do something for them repeatedly then they simply expect. Doesn't mean she's deliberately using you. I know a guy I used to work with that the girls in the office would ask him if he could grab their coffees when he went to get his own. But they also did similar things for him. It's no big deal.
Author Phateless Posted October 19, 2007 Author Posted October 19, 2007 Here's a short IM we had today, a good example of how our friendship is slightly confused. I'm never quite sure what to make of it... ------------------------------------------------ Start of GIRL buffer: Thu Oct 18 22:30:49 2007 [18:12:58] GIRL: how was work, sweetie? [18:13:40] phateless: it was good [18:14:07] phateless: [18:12:58] GIRL: how was work, sweetie? [18:14:09] phateless: what do you want? [18:14:11] phateless: [18:14:45] GIRL: jackass [18:14:47] GIRL: i was being nice [18:14:52] GIRL: i don't want anything [18:20:00] GIRL: ... [18:20:20] phateless: yes i am a jackass [18:20:51] phateless: work was good, i only went for three hours today [18:20:54] phateless: had class in the morning [18:21:10] phateless: i'm mildly hung over cuz i went to BBQ and Brew with Stina last night and got sloshed. it felt good, i haven't done that for a while [18:23:31] GIRL: that's good [18:23:34] GIRL: you don't love me anymore [18:23:44] GIRL: i received no sloshed dials [18:23:51] GIRL: did you have fun? [18:24:09] phateless: haha, yeah it was a good time [18:24:48] phateless: one of Stina's friend that i think used to like me was there, but she was getting cuddly with one of her other guy friends so that was fun, and i talked some **** with one of that girl's friends and that was tnertaining [18:25:02] phateless: no, no sloshed dials [18:25:51] phateless: no sloshed dials for you [18:29:43] phateless: hey i gotta go to class but i'll call you during the drive [18:36:13] *** "GIRL" signed off at Thu Oct 18 18:36:13 2007. [18:48:01] *** You have been disconnected. Thu Oct 18 18:48:01 2007. End of GIRL buffer: Thu Oct 18 22:30:49 2007 During the drive, she ended up calling me before I could decide whether or not I felt like being on the phone. I enjoy blasting music while driving.
Magnatolia Posted October 19, 2007 Posted October 19, 2007 There's not really anything there that would be classed as confusing. She called you sweetie, I'm assuming you too are pretty close friends. Therefore referring to you as sweetie isn't that odd. You told her about your day and she joked about not receiving any drunk calls from you. Now the only reason this could be construed as confusing is if she doesn't normally ask about your day, call you sweetie, or call you. Jase
Author Phateless Posted October 20, 2007 Author Posted October 20, 2007 There's not really anything there that would be classed as confusing. She called you sweetie, I'm assuming you too are pretty close friends. Therefore referring to you as sweetie isn't that odd. You told her about your day and she joked about not receiving any drunk calls from you. Now the only reason this could be construed as confusing is if she doesn't normally ask about your day, call you sweetie, or call you. Jase Yeah I suppose you're right. Sometimes I just can't read her I guess. Thanks.
Ocean-Blue Posted October 20, 2007 Posted October 20, 2007 Typical "chick chat". I wouldn't read too much into it. But she's a tad immature..."you don't love me anymore"... Seriously dude. Tell her straight up whatever is on your mind. It'll help clear the air.
Author Phateless Posted October 23, 2007 Author Posted October 23, 2007 I think you guys are right. I do have feelings for her and I'm ready to admit it now. Crap...
Ocean-Blue Posted October 23, 2007 Posted October 23, 2007 I think you guys are right. I do have feelings for her and I'm ready to admit it now. Crap... Jee...I didn't see that coming.
Author Phateless Posted October 23, 2007 Author Posted October 23, 2007 Jee...I didn't see that coming. yeah yeah yeah... anyway... now i have to decide what to do. gotta figure this out, stop hanging out with her, tell her and try to take it to the next level, or... what? I'm NOT gonna sit around and have feelings for her, doing nothing, still hanging out with her. That's stupid.
Magnatolia Posted October 24, 2007 Posted October 24, 2007 Why is it stupid to hang out with her when you have feelings for her? Assuming you tell her and she doesn't feel the same way, then what? Does that mean you won't be friends with her?
Author Phateless Posted October 24, 2007 Author Posted October 24, 2007 well i'm gonna have to stop hanging out with her for a while, otherwise i'm just torturing myself. i'm gonna need a little time.
Author Phateless Posted November 7, 2007 Author Posted November 7, 2007 Ok guys, it's getting bad, almost to the point where I can't take it anymore... something has to happen.
heatherd1201 Posted November 8, 2007 Posted November 8, 2007 Aww, phatless....Let me put my 2 sense in for a second because Ive read a lot of your other posts and have commended you before for your intellect and I now feel the need to give you some insight. Me- the short version. I met this guy at work. We were friends and hung out a lot, but always as friends. I had a thing for him and he knew it. I thought he had a thing for me to, but he was pretty good at hiding this as I assume you might be as well. So I flirted with him. After about 6 months I started frequently calling him sweetie. Or when I saw him saying things like "Hey you" all sweet and sexy like. As immature as it might sound the phrase "You dont love me anymore" is actually a postive thing for you. I said it to him after he went out one night and didnt call to see if I wanted to come too. I said it because I didnt feel special...... Fast forward......One day he asked me out- didnt know he was asking me out because we had "been out" a few times- going to bars, hanging out, whatever. Then he asked if i wanted to go get dinner first. I knew it was a date. I was nervous to go because I didnt want to kill the friendship we had built up, but because of the feelings i KNEW i had for him, i went. Fast forward 2 years later......We got engaged in August. So sometimes its good to trust your heart and judgement and go for it. You never know what might happen....
Author Phateless Posted November 8, 2007 Author Posted November 8, 2007 Aww, phatless....Let me put my 2 sense in for a second because Ive read a lot of your other posts and have commended you before for your intellect and I now feel the need to give you some insight. Me- the short version. I met this guy at work. We were friends and hung out a lot, but always as friends. I had a thing for him and he knew it. I thought he had a thing for me to, but he was pretty good at hiding this as I assume you might be as well. So I flirted with him. After about 6 months I started frequently calling him sweetie. Or when I saw him saying things like "Hey you" all sweet and sexy like. As immature as it might sound the phrase "You dont love me anymore" is actually a postive thing for you. I said it to him after he went out one night and didnt call to see if I wanted to come too. I said it because I didnt feel special...... Fast forward......One day he asked me out- didnt know he was asking me out because we had "been out" a few times- going to bars, hanging out, whatever. Then he asked if i wanted to go get dinner first. I knew it was a date. I was nervous to go because I didnt want to kill the friendship we had built up, but because of the feelings i KNEW i had for him, i went. Fast forward 2 years later......We got engaged in August. So sometimes its good to trust your heart and judgement and go for it. You never know what might happen.... Thanks heather, that's really encouraging. This is one girl who would actually make me forget about every other girl.
heatherd1201 Posted November 9, 2007 Posted November 9, 2007 During the course of our friendship I had seen him and heard him talk about going out with different girls. He was playing the field all he could! He was about going out and having fun and hooking up here and there. But I knew a different side of him. Some girlfriends of mine told me that I shouldnt date him because he was just playing the field with me too. BUt because of knowing the other side of him I took a chance. On our first date we talked about it and he said that honestly he was ready to settle down. he wanted to get married and have kids and find the perfect person to do that with. He was tired of playing around. It sounds like you've hit that point too. Its a strange feeling isnt it! Looking at someone and just "feeling" that they could be it for you..
Author Phateless Posted November 9, 2007 Author Posted November 9, 2007 During the course of our friendship I had seen him and heard him talk about going out with different girls. He was playing the field all he could! He was about going out and having fun and hooking up here and there. But I knew a different side of him. Some girlfriends of mine told me that I shouldnt date him because he was just playing the field with me too. BUt because of knowing the other side of him I took a chance. On our first date we talked about it and he said that honestly he was ready to settle down. he wanted to get married and have kids and find the perfect person to do that with. He was tired of playing around. It sounds like you've hit that point too. Its a strange feeling isnt it! Looking at someone and just "feeling" that they could be it for you.. Yep. Absolutely. If we kissed and she asked me about all the other girls I would tell her flat-out "for you... they don't even exist to me anymore"
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