I'm in LOVE with my Ex and I HATE it!

[provoko]

I've been in love with my ex for the past 8 months that we've been broken up and I'm tired of the feeling. I'm tired of it because I can't stop thinking about her and loving her, and it drives me crazy.

 

It started 8 months ago when she broke up with me because she lives 40 miles away and her life just got too busy for me. We we're together for almost a year and we were incredibly in love. Both of us felt such strong love, trust, acceptance, and affection with each other.

 

So when we broke up I couldn't believe it and I didn't accept it at all. What reinforced that attitude was her language with me. We decided to stay friends like we always were for the past 3 years that I've known her, but over the phone she would still tell me that she loves me and everything. So every once in a while I would tell her my deep emotional love for her and my desire to get back together with her. But she would always tell me that she couldn't; her life was too busy and too much of a mess, and that she had to straighten her life up before she got back into a relationship.

 

Three months after that break up was my birthday which she took me out to dinner and we made out and told each other our feelings of love, but at the end of the day she said she couldn't be in a relationship for the same reasons she told me three months ago.

 

This drove me almost insane. So in the Fifth month after the break up I gathered all my energy and wrote her a letter telling her my deep love for her and my desire to get back together again. But it was no use, she read it and told me the same reason why she couldn't get back with me and this was at a time in her life where I thought she was ready for a relationship.

 

I was starting to get disgusted and depressed at the fact that I was in love with a person that didn't feel the same way for me and that I couldn't do anything to stop feeling for her. I started to hate my self and her for these feelings. I mean every day I kept remembering how good it was to feel such beautiful virtues of love with such an amazing girl. But I had enough of my memories of her and my unrequited love for her. I tried desperately to stop remembering and to stop feeling anything for her. I tried to not talk to her and not call her, but it wouldn't work, the feelings would always come back.

 

Last month I wrote her one last letter to tell her that I love her, BUT if she didn't feel the same way for me that I had to stop loving her or I would go literally insane.

 

Telling her that helped me somewhat, but only because we haven't been talking to each other much. But now that we haven't been talking to each other, we're losing our friendship. But being her friend drives me crazy because every single friendly act drives me back to those feelings and memories that I had for her.

 

So I have no idea what to do. If I keep ignoring her we'll lose our friendship which will make me regret our past relationship, but if I be a good friend, it'll drive me back to those feelings I had for her. Which is my first problem, my love and memories of her are still with me everyday and I can't stand them because I'm not with her.

 

Please help, if that’s even possible, haha. =)

[Tony T]

This girl is NOT interestede in you romantically and not very interested in a friendship. She's keeping a bit of the friendship alive out of guilt and out of a desire to let you down very slowly. You seem way too slow to get it and this will eventually wear thin with her to the point she will cease the friendship altogether herself.

 

Right now to her you are more of an annoyance than anything else. You seem unrelenting in your intiatives with her and she is steadfast in her position. If she's like most women, she does NOT look forward to your letters or contacts.

 

You need to be a man and accept reality as it is. For some reason, this gal is not into a romance with you. If she just needed a break, ample time has passed.

 

You will never get over her and meet the love of your life if you keep seeing her in any capacity. For YOUR benefit and for YOUR sanity, cease all contact with her including personal meetings, email, snail mail, telephone conversations, messages through friends, etc. Just don't associate with her in any manner.

 

It will be painful at first. However, you are wasting very valuable time obsessing with her when you could be healing from the relationship and moving on to someone who wants a longterm relationship with you....something that is real. To be successful with love, you MUST be stong.

 

Right now, you are living off past memories and you can't handle rejection. Well, this happens to people all the time. It's happened to me dozens of times. But in those cases I celebrate for having eliminated somebody who is not interested in me so I can move closer to Ms. RIGHT.

 

You'll never find Ms. RIGHT as long as you are jerking your own butt around in a lovesick stupor over Ms. WRONG!!!

[provoko]

Thanks for the advice. I hope it's the right advice.

 

Something doesn't feel right though. We were friends for 3 years. I trusted her as a best friend. If she was trying to let me down easy, she did a horrible job.

 

She's supposed to be honest with me. Maybe she wasn't.

 

That's what I dreaded the most, that I'm a fool. God damn.

 

Well thanks again. Any second opinions by anyone else? I'm just curious. Hehe.

[Tony T]

YOU WRITE: "We were friends for 3 years. I trusted her as a best friend."

 

She was probably your friend then...could even be now. But feelings change in humans. Every relationship we get into, every bit of love we give...is a gamble. Some things last a while, some a very long time.

 

How many people who were your close friends ten years ago are even around today?

 

Enjoy and cherish each and every moment, not expecting anymore from it than the joy of the moment.

 

There can be no greater friend that someone who comes into your life for three full years to teach you a major lesson. Now, learn it!!!

 

If you have problems with my earlier post, read every word of YOUR original post and think about the situation.

[circle]

Hmm, Tony is harsh in his approach, but then so do you need to be.

 

As I read your post, I could not help pick up on how confused you are, you seem to be bouncing around from idea to idea, from emotion to emotion. If you choose many destinations, you will get to none.

 

Its been eight months since I split from a lover of over 2 years, my case is complicated in other ways but exactly the same as yours and most others in terms of getting past it. After this time, I still feel bad when I focus on her, but if I go back to how I felt at the start of the breakup there is no comparison. I simply wanted to die.

 

The well worn adage "Time heals" is true, but you need to use the time properly. In your case, you are not even prepared to set the clock ticking. Instead you are constantly in battle with the hope monster.

 

Calm down and take the only route that makes sense :

 

Accept this relationship is over - This is the hub of your (and my) problem. Consider the way you feel, would you let a complicated life come in the way of her?, if she felt the same she would not either.

 

If you really must, send her a message about how much she meant, that you will always remember the time, and hope that she will too. Do NOT ask for anything other than that, do not suggest any hope of reconcilliation, and I suggest no anger or bitterness of any sort.

 

Make no more contact and give yourself the time to heal. Give yourself a break from the complexity because now its really simple.

 

Friendship?, well I can understand that, but if you are anything like me, you are not really capable of a friendship with this person - certainly not until you have 100% moved on. This does not make you less than a friend, actually more than.

 

If any thoughts should help keep you on track, they should be :

 

* If I contact her I will take several steps back and hurt myself.

* I want to be a positive memory not a 'hassle'

* By being strong I have a much better chance of attracting someone new

 

Sorry to preach, but this is all so familiar to me.

 

All the best.

[cobra25]

all i have to say is

 

Lose one friend,

Lose all friends,

Lose yourself

 

Dont be a fool and ingnore her cause you love her

You may not be together but having her in your life will be worth it

 

Sorry if that sounds rude or anything thats just how i would feel

[Metrogrl]

Hey youre not a lone. I went throught hte same thing. I was engaged to a guy for 1 year and we had been together for 3. It was 4 months before our wedding when he broke things off. We were living in FL when we had a huge fight. I flew back to Nh (my home state) to let things cool off becuase we both needed a break. Well 3 days later I get a call ending things. I was devastated and hysterical for a week before I went back to Fl to pack my things.

[Metrogrl]

Hey you're not a lone. I went through the same thing. I was engaged to a guy for 1 year and we had been together for 3. It was 4 months before our wedding when he broke things off. We were living in FL when we had a huge fight. I flew back to Nh (my home state) to let things cool off because we both needed a break. Well 3 days later I get a call ending things. I was devastated and hysterical for a week before I went back to Fl to pack my things.

I stayed in Fl for 3 weeks and the whole time we slept together and told each other we loved each other. It was like he still wanted to be with me. The first night I returned I got home from the airport and arrived to the house. I was pretty nervous and upset. He was asleep but woke up when the dog started barking. I headed toward the guest bedroom and pulled me in to what was once our room. We made love and afterward, with tears in my eyes I said "You don't want to get back together do you?" Well thats pretty much how the next 3 weeks were. I begged and pleaded adn trying to find common ground and compromises but nothing.

Well I left and 5 months later he had new girl friend who was living with him in "our" house. Now its 1 year later and I found out he's engaged. His wedding date is July 24th (our anniversary was on the 25th).

I am still very much in love with him and since he's been with her he wont even read my emails. I sent him one a few weeks ago wishing him a happy b day and he just deleted it.

There's no advice I can give you that will help you any. They say the heart ache will eventually fade and it does but it has tenancies to flair up. Just keep busy and try not to think about it. I still cry alot, not as much as I used to but I still think about him every day.

"If it was meant to be then it will be. True love will always find its way home."

Sorry if this didn't help u much but I know it helps me to know I'm not the only one with a broken heart that didn't heal with in 3 months...

[Troubled15]

Im another person whos heart hasnt healed yet, its been 4 months for me and bloody sucks.

my ex girlfriend is ready to be friends but i just cant do it soo im planning to call her tonight and tell her straight that i cant do it. Everytime i see her im there with the hope we could go back out i need to be over her 100% to start doing that.

 

BE STRONG EVERYONE!

[tom_gbr]

i reallt dont know how im feeling at the moment im really confused....i know im getting better...im sleeping now which is good.....got around 7 hours last night which is the most ive had since my relationship sended a month a go.

 

also im not constantly looking at my mobile wondering if shes going to text or call me and im not wondering what shes up too....i still think about her non stop though...i think its good that im not wondering what shes up too as it shows that im getting used to the fact that we are now living seperate lives...im slowly moving on.

 

i still love her with all my heart and missing her like hell....but i have accepted the fact we are not together.

 

i really want to try being friends with her....she was my first love and also my first girl that ive been intimate with so i think its importnant that we remain friends. im going to give her a call wednesday....i feel confident that i can do this now without gettin upset. the only thing that bothers me with this friends thing is will it just be one way? will i be contacting her all the time? if this happens i would be very upset.

 

i may not always be ' in love ' with her but i will always love her like i do for my family and friends. i hope she feels the same.

[shellen]

hi....i jus wanna tell u i noe exactly how u feel.ive broken up with my ex for almost a year and im still v much in love with him.and I very badly wanna still be able to do special things for him and make him feel loved and all dat.We are keep in touch, he wants to stay in touch and of course i cld not bear not contacting him.but i mus say ive been hurt many times because of that.And my situation is even more tricky because he is already seeing someone else.But i stupidly still allowed myself to continue like that, so i only got myself to blame for my misery, but let's jus say i accept it.Not that I did not try not contacting him, but it jus would not last for more than a few days.

 

As an outsider I can tell u the right thing to do is to stop contact.But I know exactly how difficult it is.I asked him for reconciliation many times too and he declined.And I can understand how minute a hope may be, but if there is any hope at all, it will make u wanna hold on.coz like for me right now my ex says he still has feelings and even ask things like if i'll consider him in the future if he were to be alone.even it's not the most flattering thing to say, but it is still some kind of hope, or false hope even, but that's enough to make u wanna hold on stupidly.But no matter what im still recovering slowly bit by bit.Anyway there isn't anyone else there for me right now I might as well jus wait and see haha...

 

But I think im gonna walk out of it soon.coz right now i jus dun wanna do anything drastic that will affect my mood too much, need to concentrate on exams hee.or maybe i wun, i reallie dunno.but i hope i will hah.if u and ur ex has not been contacting much, might as well jus keep it that away.if u think u cannto handle a drastic no contact, then maybe do it gradually.

[Nubemeister]

I feel the same way...

I still love my ex. It's been 2 1/2 years actually that we have broken up, but for some reason, I still think about him. I think about that day and I don't want too. I just go on...took me awhile to get over it, but I did. Now he has someone else and is doing fine.

[shellen]

-nubemeister-

 

how abt u? how are u doing? have you found someone else too?

[ThisGirlNameKD]

Provoko:

 

Letting a person down easy doesn't mean it hurts any less. If you've been with her for 3 years, it's going to take some time to get over her. What's making your suffering longer is that you don't want to let go. When you finally let her go, you'll truly begin to heal.

[Nubemeister]

Shellen:

Im ok I guess.

I haven't found someone else, but Im ok. I have low self-esteem and I know that's part of it.

Im improving though...trying more like it.

I don't know I guess im not dateable...lol makes sense actually...

[shellen]

-nubemeister-

 

ya think i kind of feel the same way too. It's really sad to think that someone who used to love you so much no longer feels the same way about you when you are still pretty much the same person. Is like...what went wrong? How come suddenly you are no longer worth him wanting to overcome obstacles to stay together....??

[BklynGuy]

I think you are wasting your time with this girl. It sounds like she's either playing with you and keeping you hanging by a thread, or letting you down easily. It's true, "when a woman's fed up, there ain't nothin you can do about it". If she doesn't want you - FINE! Take it like a man and accept it. Bite the bullet, feel the pain, let your heart break, your emotions run wild, feel the anger, ride the emotional rollercoaster - by yourself!

 

It is a phase which you must pass through in order to heal. Don't feel like your life is over b/c she doesn't want to be with you. One chapter is over, there are others to begin. I understand how you feel b/c when my ex dumped me I didn't want to lose the friendship either. It was 4 1/2 years coming to an abrupt end which I had to come to terms with. When she said the word, I accepted it even though it was painful.

The girl I sacrificed so much for turned against me, stabbed me in the back, left me in the cold when I needed her most. Oh well, that's life! I accepted it and kept going, you should do the same. Time away from her w/out her in your life in any capacity will do best for you. Be strong, your heart may break but you come out stronger when you get to the other side. Keep your head up and stay strong, believe and you will survive.

[tom_gbr]

im still in love with my ex...its close to two months since she finished it because she needed to be single to sort everything in her life out...whoch was the hardest thing to hear as she said at the time of the break up that she still loved me.

 

i took the break up very badly and kept getting on contact with her and trying my hardest to get her back...i know that if i just walked away and broke contact i would have her back in my life now.

 

the timing of the break up was horrible as well....two weeks after valentines day weekend where i took her disneyland paris and right before the holidays which was a great time for us as it was the time where we could see a lot of each other.

 

she said at the time that its important that we remain close friends....im going to give it a try...havent had any proper contact in the last two weeks but im phoning her sometime this week...have to see how it goes.