Bachelor party lie...more lies...lies lies lies

[oppath]

 

and stace, i've never known a bachelor who didn't cheat at his bachelor party. not actual intercourse every time, but genital contact of all sorts.

 

it's one thing to check out girls in a club. it's quite another to touch them and let them touch you. but that's also just me, some people don't feel that way, and that's fine too.

 

If your standards are that a lapdance with a girl keeping her panties on is unacceptable at a bachelor party, I really think those kind of values need to be communicated before the proposal ever happened.

 

I have never witnessed genital contact at a bachelor party. Maybe the stripper rubbing the guys crotch with his jeans on, but its more rough and not very sexual when that happens. When I've seen girls sit on guys faces it is NON-SEXUAL.

 

Even if there is no non-sexual genital contact involved, do panties being off warrant him to be cheating? The issue is him lying and covering up about things. That does not mean there as actual cheating. Nor does the footrub incident. But if start accusing him of cheating before calmly discussing why he would be secretive, it is not going to help. Gather information first. And the best way to do that is to talk to him and see how he reacts.

[stace779]

I completely agree. So do I leave this man whom I love so much and confide in over somthing that might have happened based on my spectulation and live the rest of my life not knowing whether anything happened or not - but just based on the fact that he lied about the situation? I'm so torn.

 

I don't want to be with a cheater. And, I don't ever want to get a divorce but if he "cheats" then I will.

 

How will I ever know for sure what happened. . .

 

I dont know what to do.

[directx]

Ask yourself this sweetheart: When will there be a time when you WILL feel totally at ease that he does NOT cheat?

 

Or are you prepared to go through an entire marriage with this eating at you from the back of your mind?

 

Or do you think you will eventually get over it?

[stace779]

When I sent him the email awhile back about the situation - when all of this went down, I had a lot of anger. I didn't allow time to gather my thoughts as I wish I would have.

 

And, since we have already had a fight about it, I feel like I can't bring it up again. I told myself going into this relationship that once we had a fight about something, not to bring it back up in future fights.

 

I told him things like

 

• you obviously don't want to be honest with me. As if the stripper lie was not bad enough, it sounds like whatever happened Sunday was even worse. I guess you must have forgotten you have a soon to be wife at home.
  
• And on top of that you have made me look like a complete idiot to your friends and family by having them lie to me. And, it's humiliating to me that your friends and family know all of the secrets and lies that have been told to me.

stuff like that. I would hate to fight with him again over this but I do want him to know how I FEEL.

 

I did write him a letter after we had made up saying how important trust was, and he listened and agreed. All he wants to do is move past this (of course right), and I have made him think I believe his lie when the truth is I don't. How can I now go back and say, "I never believed this from the begining" even though that's really how I feel. And try to convince him to tell me waht really happened.

 

At this point, I only have two choices - leave, or get over it. In my heart, I really love him and want to be with him (ok I know I'm sounding like the battered wife here, but there is a difference)

 

I guess I'm scared to talk to him about this anymore and cause anymore tension than what there already is. He has already told me "I just want this fighting to stop" and really, so do I. But I just can't seem to move past this.

 

I just wish I had more time, more time before the wedding. But honestly if I delay the wedding, I'm sure it might as well be cancelled.

 

I guess I could stay - and take back my heart which I think I already have just to protect myself. And, prepare myself for the worst and if anything else happens - just leave. Yes, it would be a risk, a risk of getting a divorce or it might not be. I guess I will never know.

[KenzieAbsolutely]

If your standards are that a lapdance with a girl keeping her panties on is unacceptable at a bachelor party, I really think those kind of values need to be communicated before the proposal ever happened.

 

I have never witnessed genital contact at a bachelor party. Maybe the stripper rubbing the guys crotch with his jeans on, but its more rough and not very sexual when that happens. When I've seen girls sit on guys faces it is NON-SEXUAL.

 

Even if there is no non-sexual genital contact involved, do panties being off warrant him to be cheating? The issue is him lying and covering up about things. That does not mean there as actual cheating. Nor does the footrub incident. But if start accusing him of cheating before calmly discussing why he would be secretive, it is not going to help. Gather information first. And the best way to do that is to talk to him and see how he reacts.

 

i do agree with you. but when someone lies and covers things up like that, it does naturally make you wonder--and that's really the same with any issue. pair lying and covering up when it comes to a bachelor party, well, try convincing any girl that nothing really happened--even if it didn't.

 

as for my standards of 'stripper' cheating, i guess i'm not too sure. i don't know that i would be as upset with a panty-clad girl lapdancing on my man as i would be if he picked up a girl and took her home with him, but i still don't love the idea. i mean, do the panties really make a difference? do i want some random girl in panties rubbing all over him when she's not getting paid? probably not. so the money factor doesn't really change that for me, i guess.

 

some people are okay with it, but i don't know that i would be. as far as i am concerned, i get the whole 'guys wanna have fun and it's tradition' thing, but in reality, it just seems like a good way for a guy to get away with 'cheating' on you because it's tradition and fun. i don't know.

 

in any case, it's nice to discuss different opinion without anyone jumping down anyone else's throats, so thanks.

[KenzieAbsolutely]

I completely agree. So do I leave this man whom I love so much and confide in over somthing that might have happened based on my spectulation and live the rest of my life not knowing whether anything happened or not - but just based on the fact that he lied about the situation? I'm so torn.

 

I don't want to be with a cheater. And, I don't ever want to get a divorce but if he "cheats" then I will.

 

How will I ever know for sure what happened. . .

 

I dont know what to do.

 

i think that is exactly why you have to worry though...he lies. so now you will not really know when he's telling the truth. and when he is being honest about something, you won't be so quick to believe him. so after this point, even if he tells the truth about every little thing, you will always second-guess him.

 

that's what you need to decide if you want to put up with.

 

i do think he needs to be approached about this, though. he knows you can read his email, i think you should print that one out and confront him with it so he can't say it never happened, and then maybe you'll get some answers. unfortunately though, he may try giving you just enough info to make it seem like he's offering the whole truth when there's more to it.

 

and that's what sucks about lying.

[KenzieAbsolutely]

I completely agree. So do I leave this man whom I love so much and confide in over somthing that might have happened based on my spectulation and live the rest of my life not knowing whether anything happened or not - but just based on the fact that he lied about the situation? I'm so torn.

 

I don't want to be with a cheater. And, I don't ever want to get a divorce but if he "cheats" then I will.

 

How will I ever know for sure what happened. . .

 

I dont know what to do.

 

i think that is exactly why you have to worry though...he lies. so now you will not really know when he's telling the truth. and when he is being honest about something, you won't be so quick to believe him. so after this point, even if he tells the truth about every little thing, you will always second-guess him.

 

that's what you need to decide if you want to put up with.

 

i do think he needs to be approached about this, though. he knows you can read his email, i think you should print that one out and confront him with it so he can't say it never happened, and then maybe you'll get some answers. unfortunately though, he may try giving you just enough info to make it seem like he's offering the whole truth when there's more to it.

 

and that's what sucks about lying.

 

 

***sorry, stace. i didn't realize there was already an email situation, i'll have to back and read again.

[a4a]

I did not go through all the details of this post.

 

But regardless I can say -

 

If you have any doubts about the character of the person you will partner with in marriage (legal contract btw)...... don't get married.

 

Why do so many people throw caution to the wind when it comes to marriage?

 

Proof exists........ but you will just go forward with your eyes closed hoping the proof is not real.

 

Would you tolerate this action if you were not getting married, if it was just a boyfriend.... or is it worth tolerating because the wedding invitations are out?

[popey]

Stacey- If he admitted he was wrong. Acknowledged, with confirming detail, that he understands why it was wrong, and how it must make you feel. Explained what he was thinking and why he lied, and further, why it was wrong. Apologized. And explained why he believes this would not happen again. Would this do it for you? would you then be able to trust him, and believe him?

 

If so, tell him this is what you need. See what happens. If this wouldn't do it anyway, and you would still be filled with constant doubt- then really, how can you get married?

[sally4sara]

If he won't even admit to what you DO already know, then I wouldn't sign that marriage license. It wouldn't even matter to me at that point what did or didn't happen that weekend. Someone who won't admit their wrongs and just wants to stop hearing your concerns is not good husband material.

[stace779]

If he won't even admit to what you DO already know, then I wouldn't sign that marriage license. It wouldn't even matter to me at that point what did or didn't happen that weekend. Someone who won't admit their wrongs and just wants to stop hearing your concerns is not good husband material.

 

This is so true. Yet, it's so hard for me to go through with it afraid I'll loose him. I feel so stupid to go through with this marriage knowing he had / has no problem lieing to me whatsoever. I think it's just a matter of me getting enough guts to end it. WOW will that be hard!!!

[JamesM]

This is so true. Yet, it's so hard for me to go through with it afraid I'll loose him. I feel so stupid to go through with this marriage knowing he had / has no problem lieing to me whatsoever. I think it's just a matter of me getting enough guts to end it. WOW will that be hard!!!

 

 

I read through all of the posts, and I have to say that there were few that hit the main thought here. You have a lack of trust in your fiancee. All of the other details do not matter. He is not telling you the truth, or rather he is hiding the truth. As a man who has been married for awhile, I can say that if he is doing this now, he will not change.

 

Here is something to think about.....

 

As hard as it is to break off a wedding, think of how hard it will be to divorce. And then add the possibility of children.

 

When I was dating, I had doubts regarding marriage. A man who was a type of father to me said to me when I broke my engagement, "Congratulations!" I was shocked and he noticed. He said, "I am proud that you can step back and be certain that this is what you want. Most people who have doubts head into marriage and then get divorced down the road." Long story short, I did marry my wife after my doubts were gone. My advice to you is the same....you can take the easy route now and face the hard decisions later. Or you can make the hard decision now, and then avoid a lot of pain later.

 

I will hit a couple of details now.

 

Porn should not be a deal breaker. Lying about it should.

 

Adult friendfinder websites can be used out of curiosty. This is normal. I have done it, my wife has done it. Neither of us have put up profiles as a way to seek out others, but together we looked at yahoo profiles. Again, lying about this should be a problem. (IMO he is not seeking out anyone.)

 

The stripper at the bachelor party....where to begin. The fact that he emailed his friends to get the story straight makes it seem suspicious. And the stripper could be an escort/prostitute. While some escort services are above board, they are in the minority. As sally4sara said, many are out to scam money. But yet many are a front for prostitution. Did your fiancee have sex with one? Who knows...but if he did not, why would he lie about what happened and ask his friends to get their story straight?

 

If it was me, if you were my sister, if you were my friend, I would tell you what I told you above....dating is for discovery. If what you discover is not making you happy, then now is the time to decide your future.