Stop me before I do something stupid

[norajane]

Dude! Get your head on straight.

 

Who posts on internet boards? People with problems.

 

Read any message board out there, and there's a surplus of people with issues. Whether it's a board for cars, computers, relationships or sex toys, the folks who post are disproportionately those with significant problems.

 

If you don't recognize this, and adjust for it, you can easily get the impression that every model of car is about to burst into flames, every model of computer is seconds away from eating your data, and that every relationship is going to end in mutual restraining orders.

 

Do people cheat? yes. Are some cars lemons? Yes. Do most people have to learn the hard way about backing up data? Yes.

 

Are any of these reasons to avoid relationships, walk everywhere, and use an abacus?

 

That's up to you.

 

A few years ago, I decided to look into Lasik surgery. I'd worn glasses ever since high school, graduated to contact lenses, and was more than ready to ditch both and see clearly through my own eyes for the first time in my life.

 

I already had an excellent ophthalmologist who had done a little minor surgery on one of my eyes a couple years prior. I'd had a consultation with her, and she measured the thickness of my corneas and width of my pupils to determine if I'd be a good candidate. She had the latest in laser equipment, and had been using it for a while, so I was confident in her skill with the lasers. And she only operates on one eye during each session, so there would not be any chance of complications happening in both eyes at the same time. I was ready.

 

And then...I decided to go online and search out some forums to find out about other people's experiences with Lasik.

 

:eek:

 

I was horrified! People who couldn't drive at night because they saw halos around every light, resulting in seeing double and triple. People with specks and shadows and ripples in their field of vision, and ohmygod the worst you can imagine. Infections all over the place. Repeated procedures to correct inadequate or incorrect previous procedures. I was horrified and was ready to back out.

 

But then I realized what Deanster just explained. It's not the people with successful, simple, no complication procedures who spend ages posting about their surgeries and outcomes and incompetent doctors on forums devoted to "How Lasik ruined my life".

 

Of course you're going to find women cheaters on a women's Infidelity board! And of course that doesn't mean they are representative of ALL women, or a majority of all women. They are a fraction of women, and certainly not indicative of the kind of wife or marriage you will have.

 

Don't let the bad examples spoil your relationship with your wife. Stay off those forums - you will read nothing new there. If you must spend time on forums, find some that have suggestions on how to enrich your marriage, and how to communicate with each other, and how to keep the light alive.

 

I got the Lasik and it was the BEST thing I've ever done for myself. You married a terrific lady whom you love and who loves you - you've done the BEST for yourself, too. Now do the BEST for your wife and focus on the reality of what you have with her, rather than some strangers on the internet.

[quankanne]

remember that the women you read about are not your WIFE

 

a related thought: When I met my husband, he was freshly divorced from Wife #2 and he was bitter about relationships, though in all fairness, he was decent with me. We dated awhile before we married, and all those insecurities and hurts from his failed marriage came into ours. And we'd fight over it, because I wasn't about to be his whipping boy because he was still angry at his exwife. It wasn't fair to me, it wasn't fair to him, and most importantly, it wasn't fair to our marriage.

 

that problem came with a related one, though he never came out and said it: I'm pretty sure he had it in his mind that our marriage was destined to fail simply because the other two he'd been in failed. And that hurt the marriage. It wasn't until he offered to go on a marriage encounter retreat that he *finally* saw where I was coming from based on the way I was raised and my religious beliefs. That weekend made an incredible difference in our relationship because he finally gave our marriage a fighting chance, rather than fighting against its success. Mind you, we have our days when we want to pinch each other's heads off, but it's never again been about why I'm here or his doubting that we'll make it.

 

sometimes, you've got to force yourself out of your stinkin' thinkin' Wog, and start putting faith into what you've got. Yes, there's a possibility that you could get burned, but there's also a possibility that her love is going to save you from yourself and your fears. What have you got to lose by taking that chance and believing in or trusting your relationship with your wife?

[climbergirl]

Wog, have you really sat down and thought about what made your 1st marriage fail or do you just blame it all on you wife? Did you really marry someone who was that twisted and evil?

 

You need to be honest in this regard. Your words and actions determine the course of the marriage just as much... if not more than your wife. So, pull yourself together and make this marriage happy!

 

I think his first wife was twisted and evil and would make anyone paranoid.

[climbergirl]

I think I get what you're worried about. You are so used to women being b#tches that it's what is familiar to you and something you can deal with--you can put your guard up and know what to expect, but now...

 

You are deeply, emotionally involved with your wife and rather then let her just love you with no preconceived notions, it would hurt more now to find out that she is one of them.

 

Let her love you...she's one of the good guys.

[VirtualInsanity]

I have been on the women's infidelity site all day and I am fuming at women right now. I gave my wife a half hearted goodnight kiss because I couldn't even bare to look at a woman and I am feeling like telling her I want a divorce in the morning. I know if I act on impulse I will calm down and regret it so I am using this board to vent. Sometimes I truly feel that there are no good women and that my wife will eventually turn. It seems that all women hate men and are out to hurt all of us for what some men did to them.

 

You don't trust your wife do you?

 

IMHO if you can't control your bitterness with women, you will lose your wife to a man who does trust & doesn't look at her like trash. I feel sorry for your wife I really do because she has an image of you that's not true.

 

Are there are any women out there that truly are capable of loving a man and are able to appreciated a man who treats them right or will my wife just turn on me like so many women do with men? Some of the stuff I hear just makes me want to leave before I get really hurt.

 

No one knows what your marriage holds but your not helping it. I don't know why you hate women or how you can be married to one with such bitterness.

[My_Other_I]

Are there are any women out there that truly are capable of loving a man and are able to appreciated a man who treats them right or will my wife just turn on me like so many women do with men? Some of the stuff I hear just makes me want to leave before I get really hurt.

 

Once we find a man who treats us right...yes. Women are capable. Kiss your wife good night and treat her well, she'll be OK.

Take Loveshack for what it is...a see of broken hearts and people scorned (and not just women...)

[VirtualInsanity]

Once we find a man who treats us right...yes. Women are capable. Kiss your wife good night and treat her well, she'll be OK.

 

Don't think he'll ever believe that untill he faces why he bitter towards women. I've never read why he's like this.

 

He reminds me of an angry feminist. Only he has anger towards women.

[jmargel]

Woggle it's like you are a child that was abused and now you are abusing your own children. Ever think that it's not your wife that is capable of abuse but that it is you?

 

You have this notion burned into your head that your wife is going to screw around on you or do something bad. You keep pushing this in your head and it's manifesting itself onto her in other ways. Eventually she will leave because of YOUR behavior. You will then take this narcissistic approach and still blame everything on her just to confirm in your head that 'you were right all along'.

 

Take a sweet, loving puppy and hit it with a stick enough times it will eventually bite back. This is what's going to happen in your marriage. You have become the abuser.

 

You really need psychological help, I'm not saying this to be mean but for your own sanity you need to clear these preconceived notions out of your head.

 

Yes there are bad, gold-digging women, but there are just as much bad men out there. Consider yourself very lucky that you have a loving wife. What she saw in you, I have no clue because if you show her any of this vile that is in your head I don't think there would be a woman out there that would want a part of that. You are not giving your wife 100% of your heart when you are thinking like this.

 

I've read post after post by you on here and it is extremely negative towards women. You can't stereotype all women because of a couple that burned you. By you going to specific boards where men talk about these awful women you are just feeding your belief that all women are evil. This is also like psychotic behavior. What's worse is that this is something you know you can't control. Please, I beg you to see a psychologist.

[JamesM]

Woggle, I am not sure I can add anything else to what has been said (so why am I posting? ), but I will add my voice in agreement.

 

As someone said, there is always a reason to cheat. And when you begin thinking your spouse is capable of cheating, you subconsciously are in danger of setting her up to cheat.

 

As an example a wife is afraid her husband will cheat. She is horrifed, her thoughts become less of him, she starts noticing things that are not real, she quits having sex with him, he thinks she no longer loves him, he feels no attention, a woman flirts with him, he enjoys the attention and friendship, he begins an affair, his wife finds out..."Ah ha! He is a cheater!" And so goes the cycle. (No, I am not blaming her, I am using this as an example).

 

So, enjoy your wife every day. From what you have said in your posts, she is for real. And as the old saying goes, "When you are dating, keep your eyes wide open. After you are married, close them half way." It helps to focus less on the faukts and more on the qualities.

[luvmy2ns]

ok, first off.... in my opinion... there's always a reason why a married person will cheat (man or woman).

 

You need to accept the fact that some people simply feel entitled to whatever pleases them at the moment, whether it be sex with someone new or anything else that pops into their selfish craniums at any given time. Some people need no reason other than "I want."

[allina]

Woggle, you've said many times that you're lucky to have found your wife, that she was an amazing woman. Do not let the unfaithful women on those boards ruin YOUR marriage, don't give them that power over you and your life.

 

And yes women are capable of love. My mother loves my father dearly, they have been very happily married for 25 years, and there are many more examples out there.

[mental_traveller]

I made it to work today without starting a fight but I really need to get rid of this baggage. I just keep looking for a catch somewhere. The idea that a woman can care about a man like this just seems so foreign to me and when I read some of the stuff I read on these boards I keep wondering what secrets my wife is hiding from me and how she really feels about me. It seems that many women smile in a man's face whole deep down resenting him and taking joy in hurting him. I don't even know why she married me. She stayed single all those years so how come I was the one that made her want to tie the knot? I just keep waiting for something to happen.

 

You seriously need to get a grip. I feel sorry for your wife if this is how you genuinely feel.

[Mr. Lucky]

I wonder about you Woggle, because spending time on this site has the OPPOSITE effect on me. This forum isn't a "How To" primer, it's a course in "How NOT To Do it". Every sad tale I read here strengthens my resolve to make my wife know how much I love and appreciate her, treat her well and NEVER, EVER put myself in a situation where she could doubt my committment to our marriage. In doing so, I ensure that she will treat me the same way.

 

In a twisted, adult kind of way, it's sorta like homework. Study well here and you can pass any "test"...

 

Mr. Lucky

[whichwayisup]

Any thoughts on this thread today Woggle?

[JamesM]

I wonder about you Woggle, because spending time on this site has the OPPOSITE effect on me. This forum isn't a "How To" primer, it's a course in "How NOT To Do it". Every sad tale I read here strengthens my resolve to make my wife know how much I love and appreciate her, treat her well and NEVER, EVER put myself in a situation where she could doubt my committment to our marriage. In doing so, I ensure that she will treat me the same way.

 

In a twisted, adult kind of way, it's sorta like homework. Study well here and you can pass any "test"...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Ditto, Mr Lucky. I can say the same thing. I shudder at the thought of where my relationship would be today if I had not found this Board back in 2005.

[dropdeadlegs]

Mr Lucky, that's a great post.

 

I came here almost a year ago for a minor issue but stuck around and have learned so much about how words and actions can affect and be interpreted another. Individuals are very different, but in many ways we are basically the same. So many posts have made me look at things from a totally different perspective and I have an even more profound appreciation for the relationship I am in.

 

If you must look at infidelity boards, woggle, try to see them as affirmation that you have a wife who is wonderful and that you are fortunate to have her.

[Lezbean]

No offense, but I hope Woggle's wife never finds his posts on here. He says so many rotten things about her. She would be totally devastated.

 

I think he hates women in general. I don't know how or why he got married again either.

 

Wow just WOW!

[Woggle]

I never say rotten things about her personally but I am very afraid that she will follow the predictable pattern of women who love their husbands at first only to turn on them and resent the hell out of them for no good reason. I have seen it happen time and time again and I have seen very few marriages where the woman didn't turn on her husband. When I see what other man go through it scares me to the core.

[MissMaris]

I have been on the women's infidelity site all day and I am fuming at women right now. I gave my wife a half hearted goodnight kiss because I couldn't even bare to look at a woman and I am feeling like telling her I want a divorce in the morning. I know if I act on impulse I will calm down and regret it so I am using this board to vent. Sometimes I truly feel that there are no good women and that my wife will eventually turn. It seems that all women hate men and are out to hurt all of us for what some men did to them. Are there are any women out there that truly are capable of loving a man and are able to appreciated a man who treats them right or will my wife just turn on me like so many women do with men? Some of the stuff I hear just makes me want to leave before I get really hurt.

 

I'll tell you what, I often wonder if marriage is ever truly worth. When I read the statistics on infidelity I almost wanted to vomit. I'm a woman and reading about how often men cheat makes me want to build a hard thick wall around myself and never let anyone through sometimes.

 

I've been hurt before. It takes me a long time to recover. My last relationship was a big rebound, because an earlier one had wounded me so deeply. Trust me, women can and do get hurt by men, just as many men are hurt by women.

 

What's the answer? I am not sure at this point. I am actually in a GOOD relationship now, with a wonderful guy, but it's hard to let my guard down sometimes. I feel anxious much of the time, I can't let my heart open all the way just yet and the idea of us 'moving ahead' with the relationship makes me sick with fear.

 

Maybe you guys can do counseling together, even though there are no problems right now, the fact that you are so upset could create problems in your marriage. It would be good to discuss your fears. And I guess I should take my own advice too!

[Lezbean]

I never say rotten things about her personally but I am very afraid that she will follow the predictable pattern of women who love their husbands at first only to turn on them and resent the hell out of them for no good reason. I have seen it happen time and time again and I have seen very few marriages where the woman didn't turn on her husband. When I see what other man go through it scares me to the core.

 

You are PROJECTING something on her she did not even DO. You wanted to start a fight with her!

 

My God! How would you feel if she did something like that to you and was on websites telling people how good for nothing men are.

 

You should be treating her like a treasure.

 

I've been hurt before so bad I thought I would never get over it or ever heal, but I did. So has my fiancee, terribly hurt! But we decided to make this relationship everything WE wanted it to be and we want it to be wonderful and it is. We both took our walls down and past hurts and love each other 100% no holding back, 100% unconditional love. It's scary at first yes, but it's worth it!

 

Why be in a relationship that you are only giving so much of yourself to? You are robbing your self (and her) of deep, emotional, soulful love.

 

Your relationship can be ANYTHING you want it to be! YOU are responsible for making it what it is or isn't. Punishing her for what some other selfish biaches are doing is WRONG and CRAZY! It's almost abusive. Think about it!

 

I highly suggest you sign up at this web site RealLove.com. It might change you into a new person

 

http://www.gregbaer.com/

[whichwayisup]

but I am very afraid that she will follow the predictable pattern of women who love their husbands at first only to turn on them and resent the hell out of them for no good reason.

 

The thing is Woggle, you only hear one side of it from your friends, or read about it online. You never hear the 'other side' and maybe how the husband treated her. To assume that everytime is just crazy. If your wife leaves you at some point in the future, it won't be because all of a sudden she's done a 180, it will happen because she feels neglected, unloved, unneeded, and mistrusted by you. This is why I URGE you to cherish your wife, not only in words, but in actions so together you BOTH feel the love that you share...

 

Creating a child together is a way of bonding you two together forever - But, don't do it because you're afraid of losing your wife.

 

You MUST keep your negative thoughts and fears in perspective. Your wife has never shown you anything but love and respect. She isn't the type of woman who is going to mistreat you, abuse you, make you feel bad...YOU know this and you gotta stop those worrisome thoughts when you have them. SHE IS NOT your ex, nor your mom. Nor is she the cheating or abusing type...

[IpAncA]

I never say rotten things about her personally but I am very afraid that she will follow the predictable pattern of women who love their husbands at first only to turn on them and resent the hell out of them for no good reason. I have seen it happen time and time again and I have seen very few marriages where the woman didn't turn on her husband. When I see what other man go through it scares me to the core.

 

Going through life with your thinking process while married isn't healthy. Hell it's not healthy when your single but at least there wouldn't be a second person involved.

 

And now your both talking about bringing a child into your lives. What happends if your W has a girl? You going to think negative things about her too? Or what if it's a boy? You going to pump crap into him about how women take men to the cleaners?

 

You have gotta stop this s**t about women. Maybe it's time you realized that you have one of the good ones. Yes they are around and you have one. Stop looking for signs your wife is a cheater or whatever else your trying to pin on her.

 

I don't know what else to say Woggle because you have it welded in your head that women are the scum of the earth and what boggles my mind is your married.

[dropdeadlegs]

Going through life with your thinking process while married isn't healthy. Hell it's not healthy when your single but at least there wouldn't be a second person involved.

 

And now your both talking about bringing a child into your lives. What happends if your W has a girl? You going to think negative things about her too? Or what if it's a boy? You going to pump crap into him about how women take men to the cleaners?

 

You have gotta stop this s**t about women. Maybe it's time you realized that you have one of the good ones. Yes they are around and you have one. Stop looking for signs your wife is a cheater or whatever else your trying to pin on her.

 

I don't know what else to say Woggle because you have it welded in your head that women are the scum of the earth and what boggles my mind is your married.

Well said, IpAncA.

 

In woggle's defense, I have seen some improvement in his "stinking thinking." I think he wants to believe otherwise about women, but he has had strong influences to make it hard for him to believe. He has developed habits and beliefs that aren't easy to do a 180 on. His wife is the first step, but his mother's influence is very hard to eradicate from his psyche.

 

I hate saying that, being a mother myself, with all the blame and shame that can entail, but I'm still giving woggle the benefit of the doubt. I didn't initially, but I still have hope for him to be able to put the past in the past while keeping his eyes wide open. It's tough being a mother and I recognize that my influence hasn't always been good. It took being a mother to be so forgiving of my own. Woggle may have a similar enlightenment should he become a parent.

[Mr. Lucky]

Woggle may have a similar enlightenment should he become a parent.

Well said. Woggle, as a new parent, you wouldn't have time to think about this stuff because... you wouldn't have time to think period! The first couple of years are a blur of sleep deprivation and trips to the mall that resemble Himalayan hiking expeditions. It would change your whole perspective - you could stop worrying about your wife and start worrying about your kids. As I'm sure others will attest, the parent/child relationship makes the husband/wife deal look easy.

 

Mr. Lucky

[dropdeadlegs]

Well said. Woggle, as a new parent, you wouldn't have time to think about this stuff because... you wouldn't have time to think period! The first couple of years are a blur of sleep deprivation and trips to the mall that resemble Himalayan hiking expeditions. It would change your whole perspective - you could stop worrying about your wife and start worrying about your kids. As I'm sure others will attest, the parent/child relationship makes the husband/wife deal look easy.

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Indeed! (blah to add enough characters to post)