My wife has checked out of the marriage

[Gunny376]

Remember that the truth always comes out in the end. Your situation is temporary. I don't care what state you live in, melodrama and lying will only help you in the end in court. You need to find a TIGERSHARK lawyer, that will stop at nothing to help your end result. Interview as many as you have to. Find one that cares about your situation, not just taking your money. There are good lawyers out there. Make sure you find the right one. Get a court appointed child custody evaluator, these people are professionals and can see through lying and BS. They will make an honest assessment. And if your on the high road, and she is not, you will win.

 

Remember to keep your wits about you. Do not react out of emotion. All the things she has done are already giving you HUGE CRATES of ammo for court. Don't be snotty, dont be melodramatic, stick to the facts with a cool head, YOU WILL WIN. Go for full custody!! YOU WILL WIN!! Dont worry about the expenses, this is the rest of your life. I don't care if my divorce costs 30,000 dollars. I'm resilient, I'll find the money. So will you. Get strong, stay strong. Do whatever you have to do to be the best person possible. EVERYONE WILL NOTICE!! You can do it. Don't make mistakes. Don't do anything right now to hurt your case. Live like a monk if you have to. I could be sleeping with plenty of women right now, but I dont because I will give no ammo to my ex wife. Dont assume she is not watching. And you know what? Even if shes not, and you could get away with anything, doing so will make you feel better about yourself. Right now be a FATHER. Heal. You can do it.

 

You're a quick "learner"

[sadandhurt]

today she had our 5 year old son call to ask for money to go to Target. Am i right in thinking that is completely irresponsable to use a 5 year old (or any child) for money and get them involved? How can this be healthy for them?

 

What a bitch!!

[IpAncA]

Yeah it is. The children shouldn't be brought in this. But if you don't give them money then she can say to your 5 year old "see he won't even give us money." That is if she's trying to turn them against you.

 

My mom use to do that with me. She'd have me ask my dad for things because I was daddy's little girl so he had a harder time not giving into me then my mom. Plus when he did my mom would be like "see." She wasn't trying to turn me against him but she did want me to prove to me a couple of things. It got to the point of me saying "here I'll get it" because I knew I could. I was a sneaky little thing. lol!

[sadandhurt]

Can someone give me advise about my mail. I requested it on tuesday and on friday her lawyer gave it to my lawyer. My wife and her lawyer opened my mail, then photo copied it before giving it to me. If she already filed for divorce and the mail was addressed to me only, do they have the right to open it?

[Ladyjane14]

Call your local postmaster and ask him/her. I always thought tampering with someone else's mail was a federal offense.

On the other hand, maybe a person's spouse is exempt.. I just don't know. But the postmaster should be able to tell you.

 

I'm surprised your attorney didn't address this.

[IpAncA]

It is an offense to open someone else mail. Don't quote me on this but I do believe that unless it's adressed to "current household" or "Mr. and Mrs" she can't open it but you.

 

Then again where you live she might be able to. Get your address changed on the mail you don't want her seeing.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Using your 5 yr old to ask for money? opening your mail especially with a lawyers consent is still a federal offense. What gives her the right to do that! you need to bring her up on charges right there. Why didnt your lawyer say anything? What an ass****!!

 

You need a bulldog of a lawyer I'm sorry but your gonna get played if you keep using the same guy, does your kid mean anything to you, then fight!!!

[lindya]

So i was sick of my wifes games and ways calling me lawer to end this marriage when a lawyer showed up at my work to serve he with papers. My wife after talking me into our current arrangment as recently as last friday filed this monday. But she also took the one thing she new was most important to me. She filed a restraing order for domestic violence and I cannot see my kids. It is completly fabricated evidence but in the meantime the judge has ordered me to stay at least 100 yards from my house, wife and kids. She put all my stuff into bags and i had to have someone else pick it up. Today was my daughters 2nd BDay and i couldnt even give her a BDay present.

 

her case is full of holes and my attorney says we can fight it and win. I will have approx 30K in legal fees as well as her. I have the money to fight it but she doesnt.

 

Jesus. I wonder if she lied to her lawyer about physical violence, or if the lawyer encouraged her to make such false claims. If it's the latter, then that's unethical in all kinds of ways. It doesn't do you, the kids or her any good in the long run to make things any more vitriolic than they need to be. I just can't abide lawyers who use matrimonial cases as an opportunity to unleash their more thuggish tendencies...and, of course, greed is generally at the bottom of it all.

 

The more vitriolic the action, the more expensive. It's important for you to quiz your attorney about the likelihood of her being awarded expenses against you as regards the action for a restraining order. I'm assuming that at the moment it's an interim order and there will be a full hearing on it in due course?

 

I'm really sorry for your predicament, and I hope you've got a sh*t hot lawyer acting for you. Your love for your kids and desire to do what's best for them really came out in your early posts, and showed immense maturity in contrast with her behaviour.

[Melovator]

F**k women who do this sh*t piss me off beyond all belief- its not like they even go about it smartly to be perfectly frank its all so drama, drama, drama! And completely Jerry Springer- so low class- getting your five year old to call for money???? I'm sorry but this kind of behaviour is out of the meth-head's play book for parenting (I've worked some really "interesting" jobs).

 

I hope that you are keeping a diary of some kind to record all of this. This She-Dog will probably wind up hoisted on the petard of her own lies- you want a lawyer who relishes cross-examination, and is able to pick apart all the little and big lies that form her delusional fantasy of justness and rightness on her part.

 

Can't you get your mail redirected at the post-office? Then it never goes to her.

 

Wishing you all the best.

[Woggle]

If you find out her lawyer is encouraging her to lie you can probably get him held in contempt of court since that is clearly an ethical violation. My ex wife tried to accuse me of abuse and when she was exposed in court the female judge gave her nothing. I got everything because the judge was so disgusted with her so I would advise getting a pitbull lawyer who can expose her lies in court. Judges see a lot of women come through that really are abused and they don't take too kindly to women that lie about.

[mammax3]

I feel for you, S&H. And I'm sorry that she seems to be abusing the system that is in place to protect victims, and children, from truly abusive men.

 

The things you've said about her turning the kids, using them, lying to them... it's all terrible. But i'm going to stick my neck out a bit here.

 

My STBXH has NO CLUE what's going on in this house where he once lived, since he's abdicated from our lives. Sure, he calls once in a while but the only real info he gets is from me. We used to be able to make spontaneous purchases when we were together - kids stuff, like clothes, games, toys etc. Nothing too expensive, but it wasn't only holidays when they recieved special gifts. Anyway, my 4yo has been asking for these gifts, and i've told him he should ask Santa for Christmas or maybe he'll get it for his birthday. He's said Daddy would buy it for me, why don't you? (earlier on, on 'visits' home, STBXH would buy a gift for him) I told him I don't have enough money, and then try to make some jokes and be silly about being 'poor'. So he'll often say, I'm going to ask Daddy to borrow some money. I'll say, Ok, next time he calls, do that.

 

My point? (yes, there is one around here) Is that I never thought how it may seem from STBXH's perspective on the phone when 4yo asks to borrow money, or I tell him about what's been said. Reading it from your perspective it sounds like I'm using my 4yo but I'm totally not.

 

Our situations are far from similar - you want to parent your children, but she doesn't want to let you, you are still in the same town with your W, she's laying out all the crazy claims, your lawyer fees are up to your ears! Different. Completely.

 

She sounds stressed. Confused. Scared. Mad. Who knows why, who cares. What you've said she's doing is poor behaviour for a mother. But All I'm saying is maybe in the whirlwind of emotionality, things have been picked up and thrown and your kids are in the midst of it. Go to a counsellor and find out what YOU can do to help protect your kids. Can you see them with a social worker present? With police presence? If they want to see you, and these professionals can see the love that flows between you... that would go a long way in your case. However your divorce plays out, the stress your kids feel will be carried with them for many, many years. Your lawyers want the emotions high as they carry their fees. Not a lot of money can be made in an amicable divorce.

 

There are other agendas at work here - not just your desire to be divorced from this woman.

[sadandhurt]

So mediation ruled today that i get joint legal custody and 37% physical. This is really all i can do because the youngest is not is school. I am happy about the ruling. I still have to go back next week to fight the TRO. I will have approx 50K invested in this when its done. In the meantime i still cannot go to my house.

 

I am flying out of town right now to try to salvage my job. Im sitting here in the ternial with a wife that left me (ripped my hart out), no home to come back to. I just spoke to my kids and my 2 year old was screaming when i had to hang up. Its ripping my hart out.

 

With how cold my wife is acting everyone says she has already moved on to another man. this sucks because i really like the company of a women and i feel like she has everything and i have nobody and nothing.

 

sad and hurt

[jesslindy]

Man, think about it this way. She is the one that will end up with nothing, and you will end up with everything if you play your cards right.

 

Where is she getting all this money for legal fees. Are U paying?? Are you sure your lawyer is telling you the right things?? How does a mediator rule on anything? Keep saying NO!!! Let the judge rule. Your state lets a mediator rule on child custody? I don't get it. You should stop investing in this lawyer if he isn't doing what you need him to. Or do you want only 37% physical? Im sorry I'm lost on your case. It sounds like your content, like there is nothing you can do. Thats so not true.

 

Yeah, it sucks to pay your lawyer $17.50 to answer a one line e-mail. But this is the rest of your life.

 

Get a PO Box for your mail, thats all you have to do. Yeah, it sucks to go pick it up all the time, BUT THIS IS THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.

 

 

Dude, start to get your head on right and woman will be falling in your lap. Your wife doesnt respect you! She should not be the woman in your visions of female companionship. You've got your kids. Right now that's all you need.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Take this **** to court, bury this bitch.

 

Dont fall into a depression, use your anger let it motivate you, let it fuel you!!!

[sadandhurt]

Yeah. I think you all would be proud of me. I dont show anything but confidence around her (like she isnt getting to me at all). The custody i got today was good for me to start with. Looks like the Judge is going to make her go back to work. She is trying go get me to pay for her fees. but she used commity money from our line of equty before she filed. so 1/2 is already mine.

 

Im bringing out every dirty secret on this one. she wants to get dirty, so i throw alot more back.

 

I have the postmaster bringing up federal charges on my X and her lawyer for opening up my mail.

 

I got a PO box and setup a change of address.

 

The only place i am showing this sadness and depression is on this site.

[Chrome Barracuda]

lol! good for you keep movig in that direction, you'll be recovery in no time.

[Ladyjane14]

In the meantime i still cannot go to my house.

 

Why not have your attorney motion to sell the house? I think your wife is nuts if she believes she can keep all she had before when the two of you were together. If memory serves, she had a BMW, a nice home, maid service, and was hitting the gym six days a week.

 

With just child-support and whatever short-term alimony she can wrangle out of you... it's just not feasible to expect that she's in a position to maintain all that. Most folks are living as well as they can afford to, and if that was the case for you, there's probably not money enough to keep you BOTH in your former lifestyle.

 

I am flying out of town right now to try to salvage my job.

Listen man, don't let all this screw up your career. Get your head back in the game. What's going on in your family life is a temporary situation. One way or the other, it will eventually resolve itself. You ARE going to recover from this. And when you do, you're going to want to feel like you've still got the same career options you had before.

 

With how cold my wife is acting everyone says she has already moved on to another man. this sucks because i really like the company of a women and i feel like she has everything and i have nobody and nothing.

 

Right now, she's got it all her way. But dude, she can't keep it. She can't afford to pay for it... not even with what she can squeeze out of you. She's going to have to downsize. She'll still be stuck with her same old responsibilities, and now she won't have YOU to help her. If her car needs service or the grass needs mowed... tough. She's on her own to figure it out. All you have to do is write your monthly check and enjoy your kids when you have them.

 

I'd also make damn sure that she's unable to shack up with the OM with my kids in the house. I don't like the idea of people moving their boyfriend or girlfriend into the home when there are children present. If you're a believer, take yourself back to church and stand your moral ground on this issue at settlement. Say 'no' to overnight guests and 'yes' to background checks.

 

Reading through your recent posts, it's easy to see that you're in a bad place right now emotionally, uncertain as to what the future will bring. But there's a silver lining in this dark cloud if you'll look for it....

 

All this drama is going away. You have your life back, and you can make what you want out of it. You can still be a good father to your kids. Unfortunately, in my observation only about 2 in 10 choose to do so. Most let their hard feelings for the ex get in the way. And it's just not necessary to let that guy be you. Her life is gonna get difficult all on it's own. You don't have to lift a finger or carry around any baggage with her name on it. You are free to be the best father you can be... the best man you can be.

 

From her standpoint, sure, today she might be feeling like she's getting what she wants, but... it's YOU who will be the BIG WINNER in the long run. You can have the best of your children without the stink your STBX was bringing to your daily life.

 

I'll tell you... right about the time she pulled 'the restraining order maneuver', it would've been GAME OVER as far as I'm concerned. I just don't think there's any going back from that. IMO, somebody who's willing to ruin your reputation and cause you to have a police record... on bogus allegations no less... doesn't deserve another chance.

 

I'd have my attorney push that divorce through so fast she wouldn't feel the breeze of me leaving her in the dust until AFTER I'd already gone.

 

There's two ways you can look at this, man. You can either sit around crying in your Cheerios, wishing you could roll back the clock. Or... you can THANK GOD you haven't invested more time than you already have with this selfish woman. You're still a young man, and yeah... twelve years is a long time. But it's not 22 years, or 32 years, or your whole life.

 

There are better women out there, women who aren't so spoiled they can't appreciate a good man.

[IpAncA]

I can't really top LadyJane's post but I'll comment anyway.

 

With how cold my wife is acting everyone says she has already moved on to another man. this sucks because i really like the company of a women and i feel like she has everything and i have nobody and nothing.

 

If she's seeing MM/ it's not going to work out. If she's seeing someone who's single I doubt her relationships will last in the beginning. As I recall she wanted to do whatever with whomever so she's going to do just that. Not respectable IMO so I wouldn't worry about her moving on and you having nobody. She might also just be saying she's moving on just to get at you emotionally. Pathetic if you ask me.

 

But like other's have said she can't maintain it. At first yes but not in the long run. So while she's happy and your sad in the beginning, eventually the table will shift. She hasn't faced reality fully yet. But she will. Her getting a job is only the beginning.

 

I have the postmaster bringing up federal charges on my X and her lawyer for opening up my mail.

 

I got a PO box and setup a change of address.

 

 

Serves them right. They both know better then to open other people's mail. I don't even open other people's mail unless I ask and they say okay.

 

Glad you got the address changed. She loses a sneak peak into some of your personal life.

[Cobra_X30]

Yeah. I think you all would be proud of me. I dont show anything but confidence around her (like she isnt getting to me at all). The custody i got today was good for me to start with. Looks like the Judge is going to make her go back to work. She is trying go get me to pay for her fees. but she used commity money from our line of equty before she filed. so 1/2 is already mine.

 

Im bringing out every dirty secret on this one. she wants to get dirty, so i throw alot more back.

 

I have the postmaster bringing up federal charges on my X and her lawyer for opening up my mail.

 

I got a PO box and setup a change of address.

 

The only place i am showing this sadness and depression is on this site.

 

Stay upright and keep fighting! You will come out the winner in the end!

 

I'm going to say that your wife sounds and acts like my mom. When your children grow up the brainwashing will fall away and they will see her for the person she is!

 

Also, you seem fairly happy to recieve partail custody... I would recommend going for full custody! She will be running boyfriends around them alot in the future... and you will have no control over what those guys are like! You want your kids exposed to any child molesters she wants date? Dont think that crap cant happen!

[sadandhurt]

So she and her lawyer are trying to send us settlment offers. They had a list of demands. Some of them are so stupid (like she will lift the RO once she is moved out. but she cannot move anything due to the RO). She has agreed to the proposed cutody and wants me to pay her legal fees. I said i would not pay her fees but give her 1/2 of the money in our savings which would cover her fees. Her lawyer objected saying i should give her all the money and that if i dont agree to paying the money they will not agree to the custody. Straight out, using the kids to get 5K. How petty. Hurt the kids over 5K. What scum. I go before a judge on friday. I have alot of good info about the aledged threat and do not worrry too much. I hope the judge will see right through this.

 

I just want this to end for the kids sake. They are soo confused and need stability now more than ever. But i cannot give in to her rediculous request.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Go and get your kids homie, she sounds mad toxic and doesnt deserve them. Alot of times guys get screwed out of everything by women manipulating the court system.

 

Do what needs to be done and keep us posted. it sounds like you love your children and she's using them as pawns. Your kids do need stability. I hope the judge sees that.

[IpAncA]

So she and her lawyer are trying to send us settlment offers. They had a list of demands. Some of them are so stupid (like she will lift the RO once she is moved out. but she cannot move anything due to the RO). She has agreed to the proposed cutody and wants me to pay her legal fees. I said i would not pay her fees but give her 1/2 of the money in our savings which would cover her fees. Her lawyer objected saying i should give her all the money and that if i dont agree to paying the money they will not agree to the custody. Straight out, using the kids to get 5K. How petty. Hurt the kids over 5K. What scum. I go before a judge on friday. I have alot of good info about the aledged threat and do not worrry too much. I hope the judge will see right through this.

 

I just want this to end for the kids sake. They are soo confused and need stability now more than ever. But i cannot give in to her rediculous request.

 

Too bad you couldn't pay her everything you would have to up front (if you were financial able). Get that out of the way and then share or full custody with your children living with you. Probably wouldn't happen...only in a perfect world I guess.

 

I do agree that paying her legal fees is stupid and I wouldn't agree to. She should pay her own damn fees. She created them...she can pay them IMO.

 

I do hope that everything works out for you and your kids. I can't image what their going thru let alone you. Good luck Friday.

[sadandhurt]

Alright people, here is what happend.

 

3 hours before court to fight the TRO i get a call from a neighbor asking "is she was moving out". The TRO states either partys can not move anything out while the TRO is in place. So I sent the sheriff over there to arrest her. The didnt because we were going before the judge in 3 hours.

 

So 5 min before the trial starts her lawyer comes up with a settlement. they dropped the TRO 5 min before. 35,500.00 invested in fighting this and she drops it 5 min before because she violated it herself. if she wouldnt have dropped it she would have had to goto jail. BS.

 

So she is moved out now and i got to go home today. she gave me the keys and left as cold as ice. the house is pretty much empty and the only pictures left are the wedding photos and the only glasses left are the wedding glasses. I feel soo ****ty. I cannot see how someone after 12 years can be so cold. I cannot stop thinking about her and the new guy sitting in her new place happy as can be while im sitting her picking up the pieces. Not to mention that i am paying for her new place to F*** this new guy (i have to pay $4,200.00 monthly in CS/SS). It just hurts soo bad.

 

Sadandhurt

[Ladyjane14]

Wow... you saw SEVEN attorneys and this is the best your guy could get for you? That sucks, man. I don't know what state you live in, but hell... it's time for an overhaul on divorce law. I'd be writing my state legislature EVERY DAY!

 

You know, even though it sounds like you got a crappy deal, maybe the thing to do is to focus on the silver linings in your clouds. This is STILL a temporary situation. In 3 and a half years, you won't be required to pay spousal support anymore. And should circumstances change, you can always haul her back into court as needed.

 

Meantime, you are FREE.

You can focus on your relationship with your children and on your personal growth. You can take up new hobbies, meet new people, do the things you always wanted to do. The albatross is no longer hanging around your neck.

 

This ain't nothin' but a thing, man. Have some faith that the sadness and hurt will pass. Money is just money. It has no intrinsic value to the soul.

[Chrome Barracuda]

I'd find a way to stop paying her alimony especially if she can support her damn self. Alimony in some cases is complete bull****!

 

But the good thing is you got your house back!!! She's outta there!