My wife has checked out of the marriage

[sadandhurt]

last Thursday when we went to theropy we were asked if there is a marriage to even work on. She said "No. I have already checked out". So the theropist said there is nothing she can do and we shoudl see a lawyer.

 

Yet just 10 min ago she called me on her break at school to just see what i was doing and say hi.

 

What is all this?

[IpAncA]

Yeah I agree with Rio. Your going to have to take matters into your own hands and prepare for things. Do what you can so you don't as burned. Better than doing nothing and letting everything go her way.

[riobikini]

Answer to your question, Sad:

 

It's separation-pending-divorce anxiety.

 

And -plus- she thinks being "concerned" about you will be beneficial to her.

 

Maybe she needs gas money for the BMW.

 

Or -maybe- she needs a nose job to go with the boob-job you bought for her, so she can be all attractive for "boyfriend".

 

(Smile)

 

Hang in there, Sad -you're head's coming out of your a*s right about now.

 

('nother Smile)

 

-Rio

[sadandhurt]

I have taken all the money, cards etc. I have to live with her for these months. Should i not even give her the chance to try to be nice?

[riobikini]

It's perfectly fine to give her all the opportunity she needs to be nice.

 

Just don't over-analyze it -or expect too much out of it -or let it cause you to forget the longterm responsibilities to the rest of your family -your kids.

 

People are always nice for a reason -for instance, they love you/like you and are naturally nice, or they figure they need to be nice to you just to keep the meal-ticket coming.

 

She might be secretly ambivalent throughout this, at times -but it's going to go one of two ways just mentioned in the end.

 

-Rio

[Mike1966]

S/H-

 

As for living with her, I'd recommend you sell the house and get separate places. Maybe absence will make the heart grow fonder?? I'm being somewhat facetious here, but, that's what I ended up having to do. My wife wanted an apartment, I couldn't cash flow our house and another place for her, she didn't work so the judge would have ordered me to pay for one and a maintenance payment for her anyway, so we sold the home, she stayed in it until it sold, I stayed with my folks 40 min. away, then I bought a house for 1/2 the cost of the old one and she got an apartment.

 

As for her wanting to date other men and be open about it, I think LJ is right in that you have to set some sort of boundaries. If my wife would come at me with this idea at this point in our separation, I would likely tell her we'll just make a date with an attorney and move forward. Separation is about time to reflect and work on the marriage, or work on yourself, not work at finding another mate.

[IpAncA]

Just don't think because she's being nice she's changing her mind/thinking/ways. Look what happend when you thought that. New car and new kitchen.

 

She may have just been bord and decided to call.

[Woggle]

She is trying to butter you up more to see ahat she can get out of you. Women have a great ability to smile in your face and stab you in the back.

[riobikini]

Also, I might mention that an awful lot of women (though men never seem to know it) think in terms of planned future "vignettes" or scenarios of how they'd like to be living sometime down the road.

 

Men do the same thing -but women seem to do it in much more detail.

 

The difference from some men is that particular women tend to get caught up in all that and start intensely fantasizing -and under the right circumstances, barely connect with the real life rational possibilities -or drawbacks- and rarely look at how acting on their fantasy would actually affect their lives -and the lives of people close to them that they love.

 

In fact, these people become sort of "accessories" or "props" in the fantasy seen only on the periphery of imagination -that is- if they're even included, at all.

 

For instance, a woman sees herself with a dashing new lover on the deck of the Loveboat somewhere near the coast of Greece -where is her husband and children in the fantasy?

 

(Smile)

 

Some take it too far and try to make it real.

 

I think it's significant (even though I might get argument) that your wife recently got the boob-job.

 

Silly as it sounds, I think there might have been alot of fantasizing over getting them and what kind of life she'd have once she got them.

 

Once they were a reality and she actually had them -it may have encouraged more fantasy.

 

And I think she allowed herself to buy into it mentally and emotionally-speaking and just got caught up in it.

 

If she wanted them because she felt somehow "lesser-than" concerning her body appearance, after having children, then I can certainly see where she had a lot of time to fantasize about how much more romantic her life could be -or how some other man could just waltz in and capture her attention under these circumstances with you being away at work so much.

 

Still, I don't buy into the thought that it was all your fault.

 

I think she began liking the way her fantastical thoughts were making her feel -alive and exciting.

 

I think she's the one who bought into her own fantasy -and is currently trying to live it out.

 

-Rio

[sadandhurt]

you are absolutely corrent in your last post. she says she sees herself in her own condo, the kids only ever 7 days and she can date other men. She is hell bent on getting this and doesnt care who she crushes.

 

And the reality is, THAT ISNT THE WAY LIFE WORKS. She saw last night that she is going to be living in a dump with no money.

 

I just want to throw her out on her ass.

[riobikini]

Bets are on that you'll be paying for that very condo conjured up in her imagination.

 

-Rio

[IpAncA]

she says she sees herself in her own condo, the kids only ever 7 days and she can date other men.

 

Maybe it's time you crushed her dream and introduced her to reality.

 

Bets are on that you'll be paying for that very condo conjured up in her imagination.

 

-Rio

 

Ohhhh I bet that's in there.

[sadandhurt]

Problem with that plan of hers is that we dont have much equity left in the house and a condo where we live cost approx 500K and up. Even with the spousal support and her 20 - 30K a year job she will never be able to make a 2500.00 a month morgage and survive.

[sadandhurt]

My wife has really bad communication problems and she cannot tell me what she thinks. this is what put us in the situation we are in now.

 

With the reality setting in now about what is going to happen to everything finincialy and splitting the kids us she is feeling scared. I finally got her to open up and tell me exactly why she wants a divorce. She said she just doenst feel anything for me anymore and sometimes when she is with me its like nails on a chalkboard.

 

I told her that relationships that have gone as long as ours require communication and work to keep them going. The feeling never is just there once the initial feelings fade. And with her not communicating and some work it will never just come back.

 

She never wanted a trial seperation because the feelings for me were gone and she was feeling the high from her EA. So in her mind if there gone, there gone. I understand that it might be, but she never tried to do anything about it. Even for the kids sake. So this is what i am thinking about doing for the kids.

 

We will keep the current arrangement of her taking care of the kids during the day, when i get home we will feed them dinner and put them to bed. She can stay here or goto her cousins for the night. I might even rotate that a few nights so i can go and do some things. We are not to date or have relations with anyone while this is going on. She will get a part time job, i will keep paying the bills but all the extra crap she used to have are gone (nails, gym, etc). She needs to focus on her and getting through school which she just started and is going to be hard. We need to finish the remodel (this will be good and bad for her seems how this has been her dream kitchen for the past 8 years). This will give me the opertunity to save some money so the first of the year i can hopefully get her setup the way the courts are going to demand and not kill me financially. And the better the job i help her get the less i will have to pay.

 

I do not have any faith that my wife and i will get back together but i will try to 180 treatment on her. Maybe when the high is completey worn off she might see what is really there and actually try to save what life we have created. This is actually looking like it turning into a real trial seperation.

 

What do you think? Am i just being stupid?

[bestadvisor]

Just keep in mind that any sign of her having an affair should wake you up.

[sadandhurt]

Rio,

 

I think you are correct about the fantasizing. Now there are 2 things i was curious about what you think.

 

1 - All of my efforts over the past few months trying to make things work (while she was having the EA) has made her hate me. She cannot stand to be around me sometimes. Its strange because 1/2 the time we seem to get along and the other 1/2 i can see she cannot be around me. She is also afraid of me trying to crush her because i already have and attorny. I have reassured her that i am not going to do anything as long as she is honest with me. But there is tension.

 

2 - I have been talking to her about keeping everything going for the next few months. I will continue to support her and the first of next year we will get divorced and i will maybe help her get into her own place. Am i helping her out with her fantasy?

 

What do i do?

[justfine]

SH,

 

 

 

I really feel for you. You're basically the perfect husband and you're wife is the selfish brat, who, is looking to test drive her new boobs at the expense of the family. She is selfish and is more concerned with fulfilling her fantansies than she is with your children. How shameful.

 

If I were you, I would not even ask her to be honest. She's not. She probably gets annoyed being with you because you make her feel guilty about what she's doing.

 

And as far as her fantasies are concerned, whether or not she's still involved in an affair, I wouldn't worry, care, or ask her about it. She's going to do whatever the hell she wants. In fact, try not to speak to her unless it's completely necessary.

 

Good luck bud, I feel for you.

[Chrome Barracuda]

I suggest to cut off everything and let the OM support her in anyway.

 

It appears that anything you do isnt good enough. So let her deal with her issues on her own, it's his problem now.

 

If you support the affair by any means you keep it going.

 

Dont forget that.

[riobikini]

re:

 

SadandHurt: " there are 2 things i was curious about what you think.

 

1 - All of my efforts over the past few months trying to make things work (while she was having the EA) has made her hate me. She cannot stand to be around me sometimes. Its strange because 1/2 the time we seem to get along and the other 1/2 i can see she cannot be around me. She is also afraid of me trying to crush her because i already have and attorney. I have reassured her that i am not going to do anything as long as she is honest with me. But there is tension.

 

2 - I have been talking to her about keeping everything going for the next few months. I will continue to support her and the first of next year we will get divorced and i will maybe help her get into her own place. Am i helping her out with her fantasy?

 

What do i do?"

 

 

 

The part in your post where you say there is tension is -well- par for the course you both are taking with your marriage -it can't help but be tense- it's a natural part of the circumstances.

 

You both feel it, including your kids.

 

She's (no doubt) feeling worried about what she'll receive out of the divorce and whether or not she'll have enough, financially-speaking, to have a decent sort of life, until she can support herself.

 

And she probably, even worries about that, wondering whether she'll be able to pull the load of actually paying bills from her very own paycheck.

 

But the reality of all that is still perhaps, somewhat vague to her and hasn't sunk in, yet -she'll have to *experience* it in order to know it, for real.

 

There's this heady and strange kind of excitement that alot of women who are about to be divorced get -they're full of excitement and an equal amount of fear and worry about just how good this is all going to be for them, when it's all said and done and they walk out of that courtroom and have to face the facts of reality a few months (or in some cases longer) down the road a bit.

 

Some women tend to be more positive -but still, a kind of "faux positive"- just after their divorce, especially, if they are being supported by their ex's funding.

 

That money coming in from the ex -and his paying sometimes, the greatest part of living expenses- fools them into believing that it's ok not to look for work right away.

 

And many times they start looking for someone to have a romantic relationship with to fill the void the ex used to fill.

 

(That is, unless they already have a beau before the divorce.)

 

Their attention and focus might become more misdirected and removed from their family responsibilities (their children, in specific) and they forget about what they'll do when the alimony ends or whatever funds they received from the divorce has been spent.

 

For some odd reason (factor in their focus on finding a romance of some kind) the fact they need to immediately begin preparing for job interviews totally escapes them.

 

Right now, your wife is acting and thinking exactly the same as scores of women heading for divorce -she's thinking about what she wants her life to be like- not what it is and where it's really going.

 

Still, she's bright enough to know that it's going to take money -and since you're the only one working- she knows the money has to come from you, at least, for now.

 

She'll be as nice -or not- to make sure you pay up and keep it coming for as long as the court says you have to.

 

As for the second part of your post -yes, you are a nice guy; yes, you are going far beyond what the average guy probably would- but I think (if I've figured you correctly) that you're being generous -mostly- because you want your kids to have a decent place to live and can rest assured that they have three squares a day and aren't too removed in lifestyle from the one you provided during the marriage.

 

And by the way -your wife knows that, too -as a matter of fact, she's probably counting on it, knowing your feelings for your kids.

 

So -look- so what if you have to support her in the package for awhile to make sure your kids are taken care of?

 

One thing, though -I think you should make it clear to her that she *must* get a job as soon as possible- to prepare for the way things are going to have to be sometime in the near future.

 

This woman can't play around with "boyfriend" for too long and start the lifestyle of a teenager -she's a mom who needs reminding of her responsibilities, if she's going to break up a pretty "fixable" marriage -and get her bum to work on building back what she's tearing down, in regards to some kind of passable lifestyle that's going to fall in her lap to provide, for a change -soon enough!

 

As for your statement that you "hate" her (Smile) -you probably, don't really hate her- instead, I think, you hate what she's doing, and the fact she's blind as to all the destruction, drama and emotional upheaval she's causing, especially, where your kids are concerned.

 

Actually, (Smile) it's not quite time to "hate" her, yet.

 

The two of you could easily take this all down to the mat or drag each other down, and start the mud-slinging and the usual garbage carried out in divorces -but try to keep it out of that arena, if you can -for everyone's sake.

 

As surprising as it sounds, and as hard as it might be to accomplish it, at times -I think you should try to keep things between the two of you friendly (or at least, civil) for the kids' sake -even if you find yourself having to grit your teeth, now and then, in dealing with all this.

 

Again, I want to address your pleading question of, "What to do?" in your circumstances.

 

You see -it comes down to just that -your circumstances- and the fact that, whatever you choose, you will be the one living in them.

 

Not to mention that your kids will be forced to abide by more choices made by their parents -good or bad.

 

With that, I want to remind you that no one can actually give you advice that takes into consideration all you already know and have lived through with this -and that I am looking at your situation through the eyes of an observer.

 

Whatever I say is only for consideration -you have to do the real work- which means you have to be the one to decide what your next action is based on all you know, think, and feel.

 

The advice and suggestions I give here is no more, no less than I would give to a friend or family member of my own -except (Smile) I'd probably add a hug or two and encourage them with a few words of personal endearment.

 

I'm sending along with this post a sincere virtual hug and encourage you to be thoughtful before you act -and in everything you do during this- and keep focused on your most precious assets -your children- and keeping yourself strong and prepared for the road ahead.

 

The late George Burns said, "I look to the future, because that's where I'm going to live the rest of my life."

 

Look carefully to yours.

 

(Smile)

 

Sincerely,

-Rio

[sadandhurt]

So i was sick of my wifes games and ways calling me lawer to end this marriage when a lawyer showed up at my work to serve he with papers. My wife after talking me into our current arrangment as recently as last friday filed this monday. But she also took the one thing she new was most important to me. She filed a restraing order for domestic violence and I cannot see my kids. It is completly fabricated evidence but in the meantime the judge has ordered me to stay at least 100 yards from my house, wife and kids. She put all my stuff into bags and i had to have someone else pick it up. Today was my daughters 2nd BDay and i couldnt even give her a BDay present.

 

her case is full of holes and my attorney says we can fight it and win. I will have approx 30K in legal fees as well as her. I have the money to fight it but she doesnt.

 

I dont understand how someone that i have been with for 12 years can be so cruel and evil.

 

I feel soo sad and miss my kids. i was able to stop by today to pick up legal docs i need to give to the judge and saw my kids for a few min. My son (5 years old) hugged me and asked "how come i dont see you anymore" i asked him what mommy said is he said "she just said you werent coming home". I cannot believe how cruel she is.

 

they has to pry my daughter off me when i had to leave screaming. All this because she was afraid she wouldnt get alot of money from the divorce.

[butterfly37]

One day at a time S&H. Don't let your circumstances change who you are. It will be over before you know it. Stay strong for your kids. And guard your heart. Live with no regrets. She will get what is coming to her in due time.

[Chrome Barracuda]

What a complete bitch. Hopefully when the judge sees her BS restraining order he should revoke it.

 

Trust me you can use that against you. and also for the fact that you can pay your legal fees and she cant says alot. What about hiring an court appointed evaluator???

 

That might help you get custody. Her lying about domestic violence is like that story of the little kid who cried wolf and we all know what happened at the end of that story!!!

[VirtualInsanity]

So i was sick of my wifes games and ways calling me lawer to end this marriage when a lawyer showed up at my work to serve he with papers. My wife after talking me into our current arrangment as recently as last friday filed this monday. But she also took the one thing she new was most important to me. She filed a restraing order for domestic violence and I cannot see my kids. It is completly fabricated evidence but in the meantime the judge has ordered me to stay at least 100 yards from my house, wife and kids. She put all my stuff into bags and i had to have someone else pick it up. Today was my daughters 2nd BDay and i couldnt even give her a BDay present.

 

her case is full of holes and my attorney says we can fight it and win. I will have approx 30K in legal fees as well as her. I have the money to fight it but she doesnt.

 

I dont understand how someone that i have been with for 12 years can be so cruel and evil.

 

I feel soo sad and miss my kids. i was able to stop by today to pick up legal docs i need to give to the judge and saw my kids for a few min. My son (5 years old) hugged me and asked "how come i dont see you anymore" i asked him what mommy said is he said "she just said you werent coming home". I cannot believe how cruel she is.

 

they has to pry my daughter off me when i had to leave screaming. All this because she was afraid she wouldnt get alot of money from the divorce.

 

What a cold hearted bitch! I'm so sorry she's doing what she's doing. Especially to your children. However I'm glad you have a laywer. What did he say about the kids? Can you file for full?

 

One day at a time S&H. Don't let your circumstances change who you are. It will be over before you know it. Stay strong for your kids. And guard your heart. Live with no regrets. She will get what is coming to her in due time.

 

Yes. What comes around goes around. Remember that.

[riobikini]

SadandHurt, I posted this just previously:

 

Riobikini: " Actually, (Smile) it's not quite time to "hate" her, yet."

 

 

OK -gloves off- It's time to hate her!

 

(At least -take the gloves off!)

 

 

-Rio

[Woggle]

Women like her make it hard for women who really are abused.