Author sadandhurt Posted September 8, 2007 Author Posted September 8, 2007 I guess i will have to treat her like a roomate. We are in California and she isnt getting her mail at another address. she just has a bed over at her cousins. If a woman is this far gone, does she ever come back? Or does she need to be on her own and beat up by life for a while to see what love really is?
Woggle Posted September 8, 2007 Posted September 8, 2007 Once she sees you happy without her she might start turning back.
Author sadandhurt Posted September 8, 2007 Author Posted September 8, 2007 BTW, she told me to get a girlfriend. She doenst care. You think this is caused by guilt, she already has someone in mind for herself or just doenst care anymore?
bestadvisor Posted September 8, 2007 Posted September 8, 2007 BTW, she told me to get a girlfriend. She doenst care. You think this is caused by guilt, she already has someone in mind for herself or just doenst care anymore? Maybe that's the case, to make it even.
Ladyjane14 Posted September 8, 2007 Posted September 8, 2007 BTW, she told me to get a girlfriend. She doenst care. You think this is caused by guilt, she already has someone in mind for herself or just doenst care anymore? Most often, a WS doesn't care because s/he already has someone else in mind. Take a look at some threads in the OM/OW section here at LS, particularly those threads from MW-cheaters. I think it's important for you to recognize just how very caught up they are in their affairs and what a non-entity their husbands are to them. Here's a recent one to get you started. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t129387/ Now, don't get me wrong. I have no way to KNOW what is specifically going on in your situation, and I'm not trying to sell you on the idea that ONLY an affair can cause this kind of behavior on the part of your WW. But, I do think you need to understand that in cases where there IS an affair in place, the dynamics of the situation have very little to do with the betrayed spouse. His words and actions become ineffectual within the marriage, and until the affair is ended -AND- until he has her full attention again, they won't be a definitive factor for her.
Author sadandhurt Posted September 8, 2007 Author Posted September 8, 2007 This other guy in question has to be out of the picture. I confronted him with the evidence that my lawyer put together and if i want to i will have him fired, his record perminatly damaged so he will never work in his field again, and i have good grounds to sue the company he works for which in turn will come after him. as well as telling his wife. Plus i have a PI. But it seems like she is riding on this high and nothing else matters but getting with another man to get this high back. Its like she's on crack.
riobikini Posted September 8, 2007 Posted September 8, 2007 re: Sad and Hurt: "Plus i have a PI." Well now... (Smile) I guess you are more on top of things than we all thought. But -you have a PI- is the PI *actually working on your problem*? And I'm also siding with LJ about your wifes' enthusiasm over possibly getting to "date other guys" with the situation as it stands -chances are she arranged the nights over at her cousins to do just that. You swallowed the excuse and rationality for the arrangement blinded by wanting to do what you thought was best for your children. But even that didn't keep the tykes from picking up on the strain and strangeness going on with their parents -the five year old knows something is up and is feeling stress over it. You can't hide these things for long from kids. My advice, also, regarding the lawyer you chose -look for another lawyer- the guy you picked is not focusing on all the crucial "people" issues, if he only assessed the situation in terms of what you could afford. He's probably, only looking at what he thinks you can afford to pay him -and sounds like his only bottom line is whether or not you fall within the financial tax bracket of those he prefers to deal with, thinking of his fee. And look -I know you have posted that there is *no way* your wife could ever have been cheating on you, and that you have "evidence" that she has only been involved "emotionally". But I caution you to be more reserved with your assuredness and just "hold the thought" and only look at it in terms of "hope" that you're correct, instead of banking on it. Otherwise -if you learn you're wrong- it could be overwhelmingly devastating and you won't be prepared for how it affects you. Meanwhile -since it's clear she's hellbent on seeing other people- for Godsake, stop taking the humiliating crumbs of "separation sex" with her! Put an end to that, right now! If you choose to allow her to stay in your home -make her get a job- tell her it's necessary, considering your financial situation and the fact that you no longer wish to climb tall mountains and wade through every friggin' bog to make her life all "cushy", anymore -and since it wasn't being appreciated, anyway, and created too much of a playground for her to screw up in, with all that free time she was given. By the way -I want to frankly point out- she abused and misused all that time you created for her to stay at home and help build a family and a life with you -she used it to tear down and destroy every good thing you meant for your hard work and kindness to create. And it was selfish! You weren't doing it just for her -you were doing it for your kids, as well, so they could have a mommy at home. Apparently, that has never "registered" with her. Now put her to work -she needs to know what it's like to have to live on the other side of kindness! -Rio
Author sadandhurt Posted September 8, 2007 Author Posted September 8, 2007 I hear you. I dont know for sure she didnt have (and is not currently) having a physical affair. I cannot trust her. She is very selfish. Last night we discussed what she did and why. She only said "cause I didnt feel it for you anymore". She didnt take into consideration that i have been the only one in her life that has always been there and has taken care of her. I pointed out that its just not how you treat people weather or not your married. Looks like we are going to have to be roomates through the end of the year until she can afford a place of her own. With child support and spousal support i will not be able to live. she is going to be getting 60% of my take home pay. I am going to move on with my life. She started school toaday and Im making her get a job asap. I am going to put my daughter in daycare and try to keep my son in private school. I am going to tell her that during this period she is not to see other people. Instead she needs to focus on herself and getting her SH** together. Job, save money ect.
Woggle Posted September 8, 2007 Posted September 8, 2007 Why should she get 60% of your take home pay? She is the one that wants to be on her own so let her be on her own. I would file first if I were you and make sure that you only have to pay child suupport. You should not have to go broke just because she wakes up one day and wants you out of her life. That is not fair in the least and I suggest you get a lawyer to fight for your rights. Don't let her push you around.
IpAncA Posted September 8, 2007 Posted September 8, 2007 Whatever you do please don't start dating other women. Because if you do you be doing the same thing she's doing and if you try to hold that over her, she can do the same for you. But yeah I'd treat her like a roommate and stop having sex with her because if she starts having sex with someone else, you don't want to chance getting anything from her. And yeah 60% is a lot. Get a second opinion on that one.
Woggle Posted September 8, 2007 Posted September 8, 2007 Try and look up a men's right attonrey in your area. I got one during my divorce and he was a pitbull in court. They tend to have a better understandsing of how to fight for a man's rights. Better prepare for battle right now because that is exactly what she is doing.
Author sadandhurt Posted September 8, 2007 Author Posted September 8, 2007 i saw 7 lawyers and they all said the same. The county im in uses a program to figure it out. and what i am left with after the spousal/child is approx 40% of my take home pay. I hate marriage. Its also a no fault state so it doenst matter.
Woggle Posted September 8, 2007 Posted September 8, 2007 Why should you have to pay spousal support at all when you have done nothing wrong? What is she a baby that can't take care of herself? I am telling contact a men's rights organization and fight this. Why should you be drained because she wants to go out and screw other men?
Author sadandhurt Posted September 8, 2007 Author Posted September 8, 2007 There really is nothing i can do about that spousal support (and it pisses me off to no end). she can wave it if she wants be will not (blood sucking). This is just how the law is. she is entitled to spousal support for 1/2 lenght of the marriage (so 3 1/2 years). if we were married 10 years i would be obligated to pay for life or until she remarries.
IpAncA Posted September 8, 2007 Posted September 8, 2007 i saw 7 lawyers and they all said the same. The county im in uses a program to figure it out. and what i am left with after the spousal/child is approx 40% of my take home pay. I hate marriage. Its also a no fault state so it doenst matter. That sucks. Does that percent change once she can afford things herself or does that not matter?
Author sadandhurt Posted September 8, 2007 Author Posted September 8, 2007 Very little. I just dont understand. Like you say "What is she a baby that can't take care of herself?"
Woggle Posted September 8, 2007 Posted September 8, 2007 I really really hate women like this. This is why men need prenups.
IpAncA Posted September 8, 2007 Posted September 8, 2007 Very little. I just dont understand. Like you say "What is she a baby that can't take care of herself?" It's like she can do whatever she wants and not be held accountable and still comes out looking good when you did nothing wrong. What a crock of crap country you live in. I'd definately treat her like a roommate and help her with nothing. Treat her like she's on her own. So what did your lawyer advise you to do?
Author sadandhurt Posted September 8, 2007 Author Posted September 8, 2007 Honestly its a pots and pans divorce. We dont have any savings because she would spend the money as it came in. So it really doenst matter. But if she doesnt have the money to move out then she doesnt have to. I really want to throw her out but then i will have to support her and loose my house. Not to mention what its going to do to the kids. 4 weeks ago she said we were working things out and signed a contract to remodel the kitchen. Now that she has come out and said she doesnt want to be with me and wants to be with other men I will loose 60K if i back out. The custom cabinets and counter tops are already made and the appliances are already purchased. this is soo strange to hear from my wife. She has never been like this. I think it all started after the boob job she got in March. There is something about this. I have spoken to alot of people and only 1 person out of 12 that got boobs has stayed with their familys. The other 11 within a year left. I also was talked into 5 weeks ago (when she said we are working things out) signed a 3 year BMW lease at 600 a month. so now with me having to support her and the debt she left me with im screwed.
IpAncA Posted September 8, 2007 Posted September 8, 2007 Okay what about selling the house? Can that be done so you can afford things easier? Persnally I'd stop adding to the debt.
Woggle Posted September 8, 2007 Posted September 8, 2007 I used to run with pretty unsavory people who can have this problem taken care of permanently if you want to. Just kidding but cases like this make me understand guys who actually do it but don't do anything stupid. I would get a still contact a men's rights organization because I got one hell of a lawyer and I am sure you can also.
Author sadandhurt Posted September 8, 2007 Author Posted September 8, 2007 I would like to start by thanking everyone who has been posting. Its good to feel like im not alone. Let me pour my thoughts out on what I should do for the next few months. - We are already in the remodel and cannot get out of it. I am going to spend a least amount as possible to finsh it. - My wife will not leave and i cannot make her. So i am going to treat her like a roomate. She is still taking care of my 2 year old so i am going to put a minial amount of money into our joint account to use for the kids. Not herself. She is to find a job asap and save for her own place. - I understand that my marriage is over (and with how selfish she is being i will be better off) so i am going to move on. Maybe this 180 aditude will have the affect of changing her mind. If that happens i need to figure out weather or not i want her. Priorites 1 - Kids. Dont fight in front of them and try to give them the most stable env possible. 2 - Work. If i loose my job who will take care of my kids. My wife certainly cannot. 3 - myself. I am going to make myself eat. i have lost 30 pounds in 8 weeks. I am going to start going back to the gym next week. i am going to try to find hobbies again seems how i made her and the kids my only thing in this word. Let me know if I seem delusional
bestadvisor Posted September 8, 2007 Posted September 8, 2007 Last night she ended up staying here and we did have sex. She is going to be a roommate? Is that really going to work? Why not let her stay with her family?
clandestinidad Posted September 8, 2007 Posted September 8, 2007 So, the 2 of you were going to therapy, but are not anymore? How did the whole therapy thing play out...I must have missed that part or something.
riobikini Posted September 8, 2007 Posted September 8, 2007 OK -we now know where you truly stand -and why- you're stuck with the financial issues, lawyers intervention, nonwithstanding (Smile). Look -normally, I wouldn't even mention this, at all -but persuaded by the pickle you're in and the fact you (alone) seem to be the only one in this situation who has a sincere interest in how the turnout of all this is going to affect your kids -well, I've made a concession of ethics in how I see your circumstances that I'll just have to rationalize with something my dad said once or twice, " Sometimes, you do the wrong thing to get the right thing done." Go to someone involved in finance who does valuations -and look for someone who'll covey to *your* side in regards to what your financial worth is. Shoot for the low figure. Unload the house now, or you'll be making the payments, later for her and "boyfriend". I heard your dilemma with the BMW lease -still, sell off the lesser car and use the one you're hooked into on the 3-year lease and drive it yourself, claiming it as the car you *have* to drive to get back and forth from work in. Buy her a good used car -safe for the kids to ride in- at some out of town car lot, somewhere. Tag it, insure it and let 'er rip when you make the presentation. Be sure you use the money you buy it with out of whatever funds you have in savings or from other similar sources (less later to divvy up). Start taking what cash you can from your paycheck -and stow it in a locked compartment away from the house (at your office, your mom's, etc.) -but *not* in the bank you both use. Sell whatever other recreational vehicles, or equipment you both own and go ahead and divide the money -keep yours in cash and stash it as I've described above. Give her share directly to her, make her sign-off on it in front of a lawyer and notary -and then just stand back and watch it disappear (it always does, in a short amount of time). Consolidate everything you can to cash -keeping the documentation that she recieved her share- and unload every scrap of debt you can. No one will be able to say you *didn't* spend yours even if push comes to shove and you eventually divorce and she pops up and has the balls to ask for your part of the consolidation funds. Just say that -like her- you blew it. Considering where you're probably heading, I'd say to keep thinking along these lines with everything you own at present. Meanwhile, keep telling your kids you love them and just remind yourself -often- that despite the way you have to play this game, it'll most likely be *you* who'll always be having to look out for them and provide for them. And this is just one of the ways you'll be doing that. One day soon when she is broke -and needy. She'll undoubtedly be living out of your pocket for a long time -but who said you have to make your kids go hungry after that time is up? Prepare for it. -Rio
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