My wife has checked out of the marriage

[PWSX3]

btw, last night after the kids were in bed we had really really good sex. Then she left for the night. I slept like a baby. She even called me today asking if i was thinking about last night. I said yes and she said she was too. Is this a way to casually and possibly get some intimacy back? Or am i delusional?

I wouldn't make much of it, when me & my W finally got back together & finally decided to start up the sex again it was "REALLY" good, almost like being with someone different or maybe even when we first met (that was so long ago I can't remember that far back;)) but after a month it more or less went back to how it was before she moved out.

 

Kind of like riobikini said; woman also need sex & it could have been just more of a needy type thing. its an easy booty call.

 

Wow, if she wants it to feel like the first time all the time she will be getting around a LOT!!!! Sounds like she watches to much TV......

[sadandhurt]

Maybe you can give me some advice on this. The current arrangement is she comes over in the morning before the kids wake up, I goto work and she takes care of the baby (2 years old), I come home around 6, we make dinner and put the kids to bed. she then goes to her cousins for the night.

 

Problem

 

She has made it clear that she doesnt want to be married and wants to be on her own (which she never has). This has happend very suddenly and everyone is freaking out aobut what she is doing. I want her to leave and see how hard it is on her own, no money, having to work and be a single mon and know what i was doing for her (all because i wanted to provide her with the best life). But if i do that then i will only have 1 week on with the kids and 1 week off. THIS IS GOING TO KILL ME!!!!. I never want to wake up without my kids. My kids have a good home that they love and have always been. If i make her go out on her own they will have to be in a possible less than good place with their mom.

 

Do i keep letting her have it easy with just staying at her cousins during the night and being in this good house during the day? The plan was to do this through the holidays for the kids. I want to do what is best for them!.

 

also, she was just laying there tonight and when i walked by she just gave me a hug. what is that about. She calls me during the day to see how i am doing like were still married.

 

WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS WOMEN THAT SHE WOULD DO THIS TO HER KIDS?

[sadandhurt]

Does all these actions seem like she has someone else? Am i just blind?

[whichwayisup]

Are you 'sure' she's at her cousins house at night? Or is someone else there with her at the cousin's place?

 

I know you want her to learn the hard lesson, to suffer abit by being on her own and realizing how hard it is...But, not on the expense of your kids. Right now this is working and the kids are fine. Any major changes WILL mess them up and confuse them.

[sadandhurt]

I am very good friends with her cousin and his G-Friend. They think what she is doing is stupid and would not allow her to bring anyone over. Im pretty sure she is over there cause the cousin talks about they talking at night.

[VirtualInsanity]

I'm sorry to hear about the marriage ending.

 

My personal opinion on this is the arrangement might be okay now, but what will happen later? You can't move on with her there all the time & then leaving only for the night.

 

If I didn't know better I'd say she doesn't want to be married yet still wants to be involved in your families life while she's having an affair with someone else. It's perfect because she gets everything the way she wants w/out having to take responsbility for it. She doesn't have to.

[Woggle]

I would also stop having sex with her and just treat her as a roomate. Be civil but turn off all intimacy from your end. If she wants to split from you she should have the full experience.

[Ladyjane14]

To begin with, I disagree with your MC that "resentment kills love". IME what it did was BLOCK love, kind of like a beaver dam chuck-full of logs. Remove "the logs"... love can flow.

 

Maybe you can give me some advice on this. The current arrangement is she comes over in the morning before the kids wake up, I goto work and she takes care of the baby (2 years old), I come home around 6, we make dinner and put the kids to bed. she then goes to her cousins for the night.

 

Problem

 

She has made it clear that she doesnt want to be married and wants to be on her own (which she never has). This has happend very suddenly and everyone is freaking out aobut what she is doing. I want her to leave and see how hard it is on her own, no money, having to work and be a single mon and know what i was doing for her (all because i wanted to provide her with the best life). But if i do that then i will only have 1 week on with the kids and 1 week off. THIS IS GOING TO KILL ME!!!!. I never want to wake up without my kids. My kids have a good home that they love and have always been. If i make her go out on her own they will have to be in a possible less than good place with their mom.

 

Do i keep letting her have it easy with just staying at her cousins during the night and being in this good house during the day? The plan was to do this through the holidays for the kids. I want to do what is best for them!.

 

also, she was just laying there tonight and when i walked by she just gave me a hug. what is that about. She calls me during the day to see how i am doing like were still married.

 

WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS WOMEN THAT SHE WOULD DO THIS TO HER KIDS?

 

I think if I were you, I'd probably go with a "Plan A" approach for a little while longer, maybe 3-6 months total, depending on whether or not you're still reading her as "on the fence". You wouldn't want to "Plan A" a mate who's become totally complacent.

 

Type into your browser "what are plan a and plan b, marriagebuilders". Better yet, read up on a copy of Surviving An Infidelity, same author - Dr. Harley, which will give you more in-depth information.

 

Now, "Plan A" doesn't mean you just roll over and show your belly, disregarding disrespectful behavior. You would continue to take whatever steps are necessary to protect the interests of yourself and your children in financial and security matters. The difference is that... 'yes', you are willing to identify and fulfill emotional needs for your wife, as opposed to "Plan B" where you would boycott her ENs.

 

When "Plan A" and "Plan B" are used in succession, they can sometimes make quite an impact in stark contrast with one another.

 

If your situation is one in which your WW isn't too sure about you, this is an opportunity to prove to her that YOU are a better alternative to the wreck and ruin she's likely to find down the other path.

 

In "Plan A", you'll show her an attractive potential mate, one that's capable and willing to fulfill her ENs. That said, if her "EN" is to leave you, you stop short of fulfilling THAT agenda. (i.e. Say... she asks you to fund an apartment for her, or wants to enter into settlement discussion with you on a 'do-it-yourself' divorce.) You have nothing to lose by drawing up boundaries. If she's bound and determined to divorce you, she'll do just that no matter WHAT you do anyway. So, there's nothing to be gained in HELPING her to do it.

 

I think "Plan A" works best when you incorporate some of Michelle Weiner Davis' 180's into it... really, just the ones which feel the most honest and appropriate. What the 180's will do for you, when used in conjunction with "Plan A" is remind you not to crowd your WW, so that she becomes accustomed to coming to YOU for EN fulfillment rather than you chasing her down. Remember, when you chase... a wayward will invariable RUN.

Michele Weiner-Davis, re: DivorceBusting

 

 

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or

implore!

2. No frequent phone calls

3. Do not point out good points in marriage

4. Do not follow him around the house

5. Do not encourage talk about the future

6. Do not ask for help from family members

7. Do not ask for reassurances

8. Do not buy gifts

9. Do not schedule dates together

10. Do not spy on spouse

11. Do not say "I Love You"

12. Act as if you are moving on with your life

13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive

14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get

busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends,

etc.

15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start

the conversation) be scarce or short on words

16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his

whereabouts, ASK NOTHING

17. You need to make your partner think that you have

had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you

are going to move on with your life, with or without

your spouse

18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull

back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more

important, realize what he will be missing

19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show

your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him

someone he would want to be around.

20. All questions about marriage should be put on

hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which

may be a while)

21. Never lose your cool

22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic

23. Do not argue about how he feels (it only makes

their feelings stronger)

24. Be patient

25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really

saying to you

26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you

want to speak out

27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh &

focus on all the other parts of your life that are not

in turmoil)

28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly

29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest

CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any

words you can say or write

30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you

are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy

31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with

your spouse

32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than

50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in

absolute negatives because he is hurting and scared

33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad

you feel

34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes

[VirtualInsanity]

If she wants to split from you she should have the full experience.

 

Absolutely. She wants to check out then so be it. Check her out & make her face reality & responsibilities every adult has because she can't rely on you.

 

WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS WOMEN THAT SHE WOULD DO THIS TO HER KIDS?

 

Selfish & didn't care or cared, but not enough to do the right thing & end the marriage before the affair.

[riobikini]

re:

 

SadandHurt: " I never want to wake up without my kids. My kids have a good home that they love and have always been. If i make her go out on her own they will have to be in a possible less than good place with their mom."

 

You might not have to, if you're in the right state in the US -or live in another location where the law makes clear statements about where it stands about parents who walk off and abandon their children -even if she says it was an "agreement".

 

Still I'm thumping the "Go-see-a-lawyer" drum for your own (and your kids') protection -and because I think that -whether you wind up having to take his/her advice or not it would be the wise thing to do.

 

But time for another serious question: has she ever suffered from emotional or mental problems in the past? -and do you know enough about the types of depression to think there might be something worth checking out there?

 

I'm driving at -obviously- postpartum depression specifically, because you posted that she began sulling up sometime -I'm estimating by your posts- when the youngest was just a tiny infant.

 

Just asking.

 

-Rio

[AnonyMOUSE18]

Hi, again.

 

I think Ladyjane is very wise!

 

I'm mainly responding to Ladyjane's comment about resentment not killing love, but becoming a dam that blocks it. I also feel this way. I haven't gone long enough on my own separation/divorce situation's road to know whether my H's resentment is blocking his love for me or actually snuffed it out, but I feel that his love is more likely blocked than gone forever.

 

This whole experience has made me think about love, and the various forms of love, and what it means to love someone, and/or to be "in love" with someone.

 

Personally, I think that a long term relationship, especially a marriage, is going to require a deep form of love that underlies the more fleeting feelings of elation associated with being "in love." My H said when he told me he was leaving that he "fell out of love with me." This is the crux of his reasons for leaving, abandoning the commitment he made, and for not trying to work on the relationship.

 

I think the love may become unblocked if you do as Ladyjane says, and show her (and yourself!) that you are a great potential mate, and also that you are a vibrant, whole person who deserves respect. It sounds like it would be better for your kids to keep going the way its going now, with both of you around them. I'd give the Divorce Busters list a try.

 

Hope this helps a little!

 

*hugs*

[Beauty28]

S&H, I am sorry about your situation. I went through a similar situation 3 years ago and he never told me that he was unhappy either until there was someone else in the picture. (Funny how that happens right?) Anyhow... I think if you 2 were meant to be together that you would be. I think you should go about moving on with the divorce because usually nomatter what you try, if someone doesn't want to be with you anymore than they just won't. I hate to wish bad upon people but when people do hurtful things like that I always like to think that Karma comes back on people.

[Mike1966]

S/H -

 

I feel your pain. I've been posting on "Second Chances". My wife just of 15 yrs left me about 2 1/2 months ago. Similar reasons as your wife, and, we had become friends with a guy from our church who is now "her" friend so I do believe there is an "emotional affair" going on..........I hope not physical but who knows. You can read my thread for reference if you'd like, it may help you.........here it is: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t125202/

 

I agree with LadyJane's earlier post on what to do. Though I know you want your wife and marriage back, chasing her or wanting to talk about it at this point is probably counter productive. This is HARD........as I wrestle with it daiy. For me, my wife and I have been separated for 2 1/2 months, not much normalcy as we sold our home, she moved to an apartment, I bought a smaller home...............many things to discuss (and sometimes argue) about...........mostly money and possessions. My wife wanted to divorce about 4 times so far, the most recent attorney date was called off as last weekend, for some wild reason, we had a decent conversation on Friday, she wanted me to hold her (pretty much first time since she left), then Saturday we went to see a movie and she asked me to make love to her after, then spent the day together Sunday..............then I got a call Monday to "not misunderstand" the weekend........so who knows.

 

In your case, I do believe part of the reason for your wife wanting out was brought on by the "feeling" of the emotional affair or support of another man. In my case, I know my wife at the least has a fondness of this guy and sees none of his faults. I liken it to a little bit of a "dream world" syndrome. You and I are alike in that I offered the same thing to my wife............stay-at-home mom, never worked since we married, nice homes/vacations....etc., and, though I had my moments, anyone who knows us as a couple would tell you that she's really struggled with contentment and that I've treated her very good over the years.

 

Even though your wife has chose this path for now, and you did play a part in her decision somehow, SHE chose this path and did not have to. If it wasn't an emotional attraction to this other guy, as has been mentioned to me, it would have eventually been someone else. So, if she's ever interested, you'll need to determine the root cause of her unhappiness which may have NOTHING to do with you but could stem from her own problems.

 

Back to my original point about LJ's comments..................though it's hard as hell, be strong and start to be concerned with yourself, not your wife. I'm not saying be mean to her, be kind and consderate when you talk..............do everything that was mentioned in the earlier post, but, also try to focus on yourself and your happiness. Again, this is tough and I'm not saying I've mastered it as I haven't. This last week I've broken down a few times while looking at pictures of my wife and I during my week without the kids. Our agreement is the same as you and your wife are talking about, I get them one week, her the next.

 

Though "limbo" is painful, I think you need to try and learn to live in it for awhile. You will grow from it and even if things don't work out you'll be stronger each step you take. I know you don't want to hear that, I didn't when people said it to me but it's true. I'm not saying things can't work out for you and your wife, they can, no question. There's no "color by numbers" for these situations, they are each unique. Are there patterns which are similar in many cases, yes. Does each situation end with the same result, no.

 

You can get divorced anytime. If your wife will hold off, I'd wait. In my case, I want to look back on my situation and think "I did everything I could". So far, personally, I can't honestly say that. Sometimes doing everything you can do means doing nothing..........which is the hardest thing to do being a guy 'cause you want to fix everything, right? Learn to LISTEN to your wife when she talks. You need to be a sounding board to her without offering advice.

 

I feel your pain............best of luck to you!

[Woggle]

Why are you guys still having sex with your wives and being intimate with them. If she wants sex and intimacy it should be a package deal because all this is doing is getting your hopes up just to be crushed again. I would treat her like a roomate. Be civil and nice but nothing more.

[sadandhurt]

So i saw a lawyer yesterday and found out that we are going to be in financial trouble. we cannot get divroced now if we wanted to. We are going to loose everything. She has no money to get a place of her own and I will not be able to afford the house after paying spousal and child support.

 

The bottom line is that the way she felt for that time while i was working hard, she ended up resenting me and feeling nothing for me as a lover. She says she still loves me, but not in love. She is in a state of mind where she wants that and wants to start dating.

 

She even went so far as to say "lets stay together, save money, she will start working but we can date other people". In the end we might have enogh money to make a divorce work or stay together. I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!.

 

She sounds like a 14 year old girl that she would rather break up the family to be able to date other men. She says she is attracted to other men and i said that is normal. I am attracted to other women but that doesnt mean i want to be with them.

 

Could the way she is feeling be the high from the emotional affair she had? Would her going back to work and seeing how hard life really is maybe break her out of this? Could there be a chance to reconnect?

 

HELP

[sadandhurt]

On one hand i really just want to break it off but my 5 year old boy is already showing signs of stress due to what is going on. I dont unerstand why she would want to start dating other men right away anyhow. Shouldnt she just work on herself at this time and not jump right into relationships?

 

As sad as it may sound if she was just able to feel something towards me again things could get better (there will still be alot of work that she has to do emotionally like learning to communicate). but we could keep the life together.

 

Suggestions?

[Woggle]

She is just acting like a typical woman. She is addicted to the chemical highs but doesn't know a thing about real love. I would go for a divorce anyway because sooner or later things will end.

[bestadvisor]

I dont unerstand why she would want to start dating other men right away anyhow. Shouldnt she just work on herself at this time and not jump right into relationships?

 

Didn't you said that she admited that she's having an emotional affair? Given what she's told you, how she feels about you, and her action of moving out the house, do you think she has stopped that affair and not let it go further? Any reason for her to not go further than an emotional affair when she has said to have an open marriage, when she said she no longer love you and when she physically moved out of the house?

[Ladyjane14]

. I dont unerstand why she would want to start dating other men right away anyhow.

 

If I had to hazard a guess... I'd say it's because she already IS.

When your spouse says to you "Let's date other people"... they usually have someone already in mind.

 

Like I posted earlier, "Plan A" doesn't mean you roll over and show your belly. Set some boundaries. Tell her straight up that any "dating" she does will be deemed as adultery and treated as such. If your separation was designed ostensibly to create "space" in order for both of you to assess the marriage, there's no way that allowing the involvement of interlopers to the marriage can achieve that objective.

 

Boundaries. Boundaries. Boundaries.

It does little good to have a wayward return to the family home unless she's willing to live within the confines of the rules. If the rule is that we respect the marriage and family dynamic, you can't bend that rule without becoming a door mat.

 

You are NOT an open wallet for her personal use. So, if she wants to go and live single, she needs to be prepared to support her decision financially. Let her pick the OM's pockets if she can, but don't let her mooch off you in order to fund her affair.

 

You don't have to be an a*hole, S&H... but you do have to be firm. In the long term, you're not going to want to 'tote the note' on any agreement which welcomes Infidelity into the marriage. The marriage cannot be recovered when there are lurkers in the shadows anyway, so you have NOTHING to lose which isn't already lost by upholding your personal boundaries.

[sadandhurt]

Well i do know she has nothing going on with this guy (not taking her word for it but I know from other ways).

 

But everything i have read says you shouldnt start dating right away and need to get over the marriage. Sounds like she is already over it. Is this normal behavior from a 30 year old women?

 

Maybe we should just start swinging. Maybe if i see her with another man i will loose all these fealings for her.

 

We are going to have to be living with each other for the next few months so we dont know how to act.

[Woggle]

Move into another bedroom and treat her as a roomate. Treat the marriage like it is already over.

[Ladyjane14]

We are going to have to be living with each other for the next few months so we dont know how to act.

 

I thought she was staying at her cousin's.

[sadandhurt]

She is. Last night she ended up staying here and we did have sex. I am not in denial about the way she feels and i really dont care anymore. I am just the type of man that will do and suffer anything for his kids. I know some people feel the other way but that is how i feel. I will go through whatever pain in order to put my kids to bed and make them B-Fast in the morning.

[Ladyjane14]

Well i do know she has nothing going on with this guy (not taking her word for it but I know from other ways).

 

Then her "dating other people" comment makes no sense. No wonder you're confused.

 

I don't know how you can be so certain about this given the recent EA. You'd be surprised at how sneaky waywards can be. Sometimes they have secret cell phones, email accounts, post office boxes... you name it. We've had folks here at LS who've discovered affairs that've gone back as far a ten years.

 

Sounds like she is already over it. Is this normal behavior from a 30 year old women?

 

More often than not, the partner who wants to leave has had ALOT of time to come to terms with it. Afterall, they're the ones who've planned it.

It's the spouse who's being deserted who's caught by surprise and needs time to adjust.

[Ladyjane14]

She is. Last night she ended up staying here and we did have sex. I am not in denial about the way she feels and i really dont care anymore. I am just the type of man that will do and suffer anything for his kids. I know some people feel the other way but that is how i feel. I will go through whatever pain in order to put my kids to bed and make them B-Fast in the morning.

 

Allowing her to come back and live out her wayward fantasies won't guarantee that your goals are achieved though.

 

If she's living in the home with you, you can't put her out again. Right now, she can probably return 'will ye nill ye', but then again... maybe not. This is where you need legal counsel. In some states, if you move out and start taking your mail at another address, you can't just move right back in whenever you want.

 

Right now YOU are living in the family home and YOU have de facto custody of the children. Why give that up?

 

If you allow her to come back, in accordance with her own personal agenda and not for the purpose of marital recovery, she's in a better position to claim you're abusive or whatever and have YOU put out.