My wife has checked out of the marriage

[sadandhurt]

I have been with my wife for 12 years. she was 18 and i was 22 when we get together. we have a 2 year old and a 5 year old. she recently said she is done with the marriage. when i told her i wanted to work on it she said she has checked out a while ago.

 

We know everything that went wrong with the marriage in the first place. We are going to stay seperated through the hollidays (the daily routines are the same but she sleeps at her cousins) for the kids. then we will do what is best for the kids and let them know what is going on.

 

Question for you is do you think there is a chance that a women that has checked out of a mariiage can change that way of thinking? if so, what do i do to get her back?

[AnonyMOUSE18]

I'm in a very similar situation, and it happened VERY recently. Right now, the best thing people in our position can do its to be strong and go forward, taking car of ourselves. Show not just her, but yourself that you are a terrific person! Go onward with your own personal growth. Its the only path to take, at this point in time.

 

Tell us more about your situation. What are her reasons for wanting out? How long has she had these feelings? Do you think there may be another person she is seeing?

 

Its very hard to be in the situation of having been left. Its emotionally shattering. We have to stay strong and remember all the other great things in our life, as well as all the great things about ourselves that make us valuable people.

 

Hope this helps a little bit! Tell us more, if you feel comfortable!

 

*hugs*

 

(I'm new to the forum, and just starting to try posting on other threads other than my own. )

[Woggle]

No there is nothing you can do and start preparing for divorce right now.

[LakesideDream]

Sadly, the "checked out" phase is often the result of "checking in" to another romantic relationship. If that's the case would it alter your attitude?

 

I was married to a gal for 25 years. She went through the "checked out" phase four or five times during that time. Everything seemed to work out each time. What I didn't know was that she would occasionally "check in" with a BF (same guy) at intervals during our marriage.

 

Presumably the guy (who was married) wasn't able to give her what she needed long term enough for them to start a new life together. When that changed (after 25 years of marriage) she "check out" literally in a heartbeat.

 

Find out why your wife "checked out". Do whatever it takes, tape recorders, key loggers, private detectives, anything you can think of. You won't know what your course of action should be until you know all the facts. If she is "checking in" somewhere else... (her cousins house?) you should know.

 

If there is something lacking in the marriage that does not include another man, then you have a chance to work on the situation.

 

It sounds horrible but you cannot trust her right now. You need to know.

[riobikini]

re:

 

SadandHurt: " the marriage...she said she has checked out a while ago."

 

SadandHurt, your wife is treating your marriage the way some motels allow their guests to just check out without returning the key to the front desk, leaving it instead, lying on the nightstand and just making their exit.

 

Both partners in a marriage (as well as any children concerned) deserve much more respect than that -and *you* deserved a chance to try and salvage it with help from her.

 

Even if you wind up divorcing that makes it kind of like a "goodbye" that never really got said properly.

 

Since she's already made the move towards separation, take this time to try and adjust your thoughts, allow yourself some "think-tank" sessions, and let all this sink in.

 

During separations emotions are usually all over the place, until one or both of you reach the point where you're faced with making the "no BS" decision to truly be "in or out" of the relationship.

 

That means you've still got time -and there's still hope- for things to turn around.

 

But be prepared either way.

 

Good luck -and best wishes that it all turns out well for all of you.

 

-Rio

[Moving Forward]

I'm in a very similar situation, and it happened VERY recently. Right now, the best thing people in our position can do its to be strong and go forward, taking car of ourselves. Show not just her, but yourself that you are a terrific person! Go onward with your own personal growth. Its the only path to take, at this point in time.

 

Tell us more about your situation. What are her reasons for wanting out? How long has she had these feelings? Do you think there may be another person she is seeing?

 

Its very hard to be in the situation of having been left. Its emotionally shattering. We have to stay strong and remember all the other great things in our life, as well as all the great things about ourselves that make us valuable people.

 

Hope this helps a little bit! Tell us more, if you feel comfortable!

 

*hugs*

 

(I'm new to the forum, and just starting to try posting on other threads other than my own. )

 

 

I too am going through a similar situation and I have to say that the above comments are a lot more helpful and encouraging than this:

 

No there is nothing you can do and start preparing for divorce right now.

 

Take the time and work on what you would like to change (if anything at all).

Focus on your kids and stay positive (I know, very hard to do).

 

You can't force anyone to change their minds or do something they don't want to do.

 

Be the person you want to be and that is all you can do ... if she sees things differently (as I hope my wife will), then you can't ask for anything more.

 

Good luck!

[sadandhurt]

2 months ago i noticed a change in her and confronted her. she eventually said she was having feelings for another man. she said she loved me and the family. we spent that weekend and it was great. over the next week things degraded more and more. I kept asking if there was someone else and she denied it. last week i found out that she was having and emotional affair with another man and never stopped like she said she was. i confronted her in theropy and it was out in the open.

 

she is still saying that she checked out long before this guy and this is over. i have made sure it is over with this guy but she wants to go forward with the divorce.

 

we are going to try to do this same arrangement with her gone at nights through the hollidays. I dont know if i will be able to reconnect.

[riobikini]

re:

 

" 2 months ago i noticed a change in her and confronted her. she eventually said she was having feelings for another man."

 

 

 

SadandHurt, why was this very crucial info left out in your beginning posts?

 

It appears that LakesideDream said what we were (probably) all thinking -and was correct- when he warned,

 

 

"Sadly, the "checked out" phase is often the result of "checking in" to another romantic relationship. If that's the case would it alter your attitude?

 

I was married to a gal for 25 years. She went through the "checked out" phase four or five times during that time. Everything seemed to work out each time. What I didn't know was that she would occasionally "check in" with a BF (same guy) at intervals during our marriage."

 

 

So, one thing is for certain -you're not alone in having this happen to you (just look around the boards in LS.)

 

And as you earlier seem to convey, when you state, " We know everything that went wrong with the marriage in the first place ", you're already familiar with the reasons she "checked out".

 

Who asked for the counseling you both were in?

 

Are you having guilt feelings or regret or doubts about not having gotten counseling for the dull marriage *before* she had the affair -or focused more on your relationship with each other before it happened?

 

-Rio

[sadandhurt]

I asked for the counsling and she agreed. I have regret about not seeing the signs but she also never told me she was unhappy. I was working hard at providing the lifestyle she wanted (stay at home mom with all the percs. IE: BMW, maids, BBSitters, Gym 6 days a week) with the areement that she would tell me when I am neglecting the marriage. She didnt. she has problems with confrontation and felt guilty saying anything because i was working for the family.

 

Where i am now is that she is fine and seems excited about starting her life over again. she has enrolled in school and is excited about getting her own place. I am a wreck because i didnt see this coming at all. I value family above all and was trying to avoid this.

 

But the question, if she feels this way is there even hope for me to change it or am i just waisting my time?

[butterfly37]

It sounds to me like it's time for you to accept responsibility for your own responsibility where failure of the relationship is concerned; it was never fair to leave it completely up to her to let you know that YOU were neglecting the marriage, even if you were working to provide the lifestyle. And then it's time to take a tough-love approach.

[Woggle]

Sounds like the typical woman who has everything and yet still isn't happy. How friggen miserable could she have been with maids, bbsitters and all that?

[sadandhurt]

Yeah. i accept responsability for what i did. I just never got a chance to fix it. when she first told me 2 months ago i did a 180 and completly changed. I have become the perfect husband.

 

What do you mean by "tough Love"? should i just cut her off completly?

[butterfly37]

Woggle, I just shake my head at your posts.

 

"Everything" aren't the things that make a woman, or a person, happy.

 

What she wanted was someone to share her heart and soul with. He was too busy with providing a lifestyle. Like I told my XH, "I would have been happy in a cave with you. The house, the car, everyTHING don't mean a thing!" I lost what really mattered to me the day he walked out.

 

Look at the Hollywood stars that have everyTHING they could ever dream of.....but don't have what really matters. Where are they? In rehab, in jail, in and out of relationships, dead.......

 

Get serious Woggle. People don't come here to be bombarded with your negativity. They come here for hope and guidance. How are you helping. And think about that before you fire back a reply, please....

[Woggle]

I am helping with the brutal honest truth. Igt may not be what people want to hear but if men want to improve their lives they would do good following my advice.

[Woggle]

Yeah. i accept responsability for what i did. I just never got a chance to fix it. when she first told me 2 months ago i did a 180 and completly changed. I have become the perfect husband.

 

What do you mean by "tough Love"? should i just cut her off completly?

 

Don't try to become the perfect husb and because for a woman such as your wife perfect is still not good enough.

[butterfly37]

"Begin with the end in mind."

Stephen R. Covey (b. 1932)

motivational writer

 

Where do you see yourself in the future S&H? What is it going to take for you to get there? What are you will to do to get there?

 

Those are the questions you need to ask yourself right now.....

[Pyro]

I am helping with the brutal honest truth. Igt may not be what people want to hear but if men want to improve their lives they would do good following my advice.

 

 

Your version of the brutal honest truth is different from everyone elses.

 

To the OP:

 

There isn't really too much you can do to save the marriage. She has made her decision and you should let her act on it. Get over the break-up and then concentrate on finding a woman who will want to spend time with you. No need to worry and waste time grieving over her. Save your energy for someone worthwhile.

[justfine]

Woggle, I just shake my head at your posts.

 

"Everything" aren't the things that make a woman, or a person, happy.

 

What she wanted was someone to share her heart and soul with. He was too busy with providing a lifestyle. Like I told my XH, "I would have been happy in a cave with you. The house, the car, everyTHING don't mean a thing!" I lost what really mattered to me the day he walked out.

 

Look at the Hollywood stars that have everyTHING they could ever dream of.....but don't have what really matters. Where are they? In rehab, in jail, in and out of relationships, dead.......

 

Get serious Woggle. People don't come here to be bombarded with your negativity. They come here for hope and guidance. How are you helping. And think about that before you fire back a reply, please....

 

 

I tend to see things more from Woggle's point of view. Just because a woman wants someone to share her heart and soul with does not give her the right to seek it outside the marriage. She should be honest with her husband and express these things. The man is working hard providing for his family; she should be thankful for that and share her heart and soul with her husband. Wha'ts up with this quick tolerance for adultery. It's ridiculous.

[riobikini]

re:

 

Butterfly37: " Begin with the end in mind."

 

Sidebar:

 

B -I had to smile at the coincidence- I have read that very quote from Stephen Covey at least, four times over the last week and as recent as yesterday evening while "L" and I sat on the deck reading in the swing.

 

(Smile)

 

Thanks for the coincidental intervention to make me refocus on that phrase -and how significant it is in directing our paths in everything we do.

 

It also applies to SadandHurts' situation, I think.

 

SadandHurt: " I was working hard at providing the lifestyle she wanted (stay at home mom with all the percs. IE: BMW, maids, BBSitters, Gym 6 days a week) with the agreement that she would tell me when I am neglecting the marriage. She didn't. "

 

 

The goal was being met but the overview of the Big Picture wasn't being attended to with personal, focused care/understanding -because of the lack of intimate knowledge of what was most important: was all you were doing really creating happiness/harmony -or was it just a nice-looking package?

 

No one can argue with good intentions -you had them, and it sounds like you had her best interest at heart -but without her input.

 

But anyone could have made the same mistake you did, Sad -because she wasn't exactly the kind of person who was likely to express what she was really feeling or thinking.

 

So you assumed you were doing things that made her happy.

 

It appeared so -others would have agreed- and from the outside you were doing all the right things -kind of a perfect picture and from your end, made you undoubtedly certain she was happy.

 

Beginning with the end in mind -I think- means that, first, you gather all the marbles together in one place -all of them have to be there- and you look at each one individually.

 

After doing that, you *arrange* them into the pattern you want, and you stand back and see if that gives you the result you want to see from a close distance, a farther distance, and so on.

 

Same thing with getting the results you want to see in life, relationships, goals, etc.

 

It's always the smaller parts -the intimate things- that you begin with.

 

You can't begin with a mental idea of The Big Picture without knowing what the parts of it are -what it's made up of.

 

From the information you give -you began with the idea of The Big Picture without giving each of the parts a full examination and missed alot of important information that -I agree- you wife *should have* volunteered, but for some reason (natural personality?) was not able to give you.

 

Close exam and *maintenance* of what you were trying to give her or create in your lives might have allowed you to see her unhappiness long before the split (a re-visitation, and re-exam of all the individual marbles.)

 

As always, anyone who offers advice on these types of situations never has all the info -and can certainly never be certain that they are dead-on target in providing the exact answer you need.

 

But I think -you might have a shot at, at least, giving explaination for how you were thinking when you decided to preceed with the Big Picture and create it all by yourself -your state of mind at the time- and/or start providing yourself with some closure for a possible end to your marriage and a new life ahead of you, and provide yourself with as much assurance as you can that you did what you thought you were *supposed* to be doing in the marriage by writing a letter to her, instead of the usual "talking it out", and -maybe- progress to talking, later, as a "next step" in communication.

 

Try it.

 

At this point you have nothing to lose -and more to gain in the way of putting this at rest and preparing for a little peace and settlement for yourself.

 

As always, I wish you the best with this situation.

 

-Rio

[butterfly37]

S&H, Tough Love is explained in a book by Dr. James Dobson called Love Must be Tough. Well worth reading! You're going to hear this a lot at LS: Educate yourself! And don't stop.

[butterfly37]

I'd also like to point out that conversations happen and only parts of that conversation will be recalled by her memory. A letter is something that your wife can reread over and over again and nothing will be "forgotten". It's all there in black and white.

[sadandhurt]

Ok. Here is where we are now. She doesnt want to be married to me because she doesnt feel any intinmate feelings towards me. The marriage counsler says its because when she felt neglected instead of confronting me she would end up resenting me. Resentment always kills love.

 

We went to see the marriage counsler last night to decide weather or not to continue with the marriage. she has said she is done. I said to move on then and get her own place and lets start the process. she would like to keep the current arrangement for the kids through the hollidays. I have to agree with her here because it will keep a normal feel for them during these times and she will have time to get setup in a place of her own.

 

We get along great with the exception of her intimate feelings towards me. when she had this recent emotional affair it was like she had a hit of crack. She wants to be on her own so she can experiance this feeling again. She knows in her mind that the feeling always fades into what we had. But she is determined to do this.

 

btw, last night after the kids were in bed we had really really good sex. Then she left for the night. I slept like a baby. She even called me today asking if i was thinking about last night. I said yes and she said she was too. Is this a way to causually and possibly get some intimacy back? Or am i delusional?

[jman66]

Sadandhurt,

 

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I am in a similar situation. My wife told me after 16 years of marriage she wants out. She won't try counseling and filed for divorce without telling me beforehand. I never saw this coming, neither did our friends or families. We are financially stable, have two great kids (13 & 11), and seemed to have it all.

 

Her issues with me were that I was smothering her (calling her too much, etc.) and a perfectionist. She thinks I'm the best dad in the world, and a great provider for the family - she just does not want to be with me anymore. I can't help but think this has to do with some type of midlife crisis (she is 41), but she is determined to end the marriage and won't change her mind.

 

She swears there is nobody else, but I can't be sure.

 

It sounds like your number one concern is the kids - that is great. I too am concerned most for them. I used to think that I could change her mind by my actions and words. But I now realize I have not been a bad husband (not perfect, but not bad), and that if she is willing to throw away 16 years of marriage, and impact two innocent children just so she can be happier (when she's got a pretty darn good life to start) she is not the person I want to be with.

 

Best of luck.

[riobikini]

re:

 

SadandHurt: " btw, last night after the kids were in bed we had really really good sex. Then she left for the night. I slept like a baby. She even called me today asking if i was thinking about last night. I said yes and she said she was too. Is this a way to casually and possibly get some intimacy back? Or am i delusional? "

 

It's called "separation sex" (no surprise, there) -and it's a taste of something like sweet and sour at the same time -good stuff, maybe even a bit "needy", but different, somehow.

 

It's a different kind of excitement with someone you know really well and didn't think they could ever excite you that way, again.

 

Remember, though -one of the basic underlying reasons the two of you wound up having sex is because of *familiarity* and *natural need*, so don't bank too much on it turning things completely around after just one night -but hey! you never know...(Smile.)

 

It might just get the two of you communicating!

 

-Rio

 

P.S. Apology for all my typos -get used to them- I'm always gonna make them. (Smile)

[Rooster_DAR]

Ok. Here is where we are now. She doesnt want to be married to me because she doesnt feel any intinmate feelings towards me. The marriage counsler says its because when she felt neglected instead of confronting me she would end up resenting me. Resentment always kills love.

 

We went to see the marriage counsler last night to decide weather or not to continue with the marriage. she has said she is done. I said to move on then and get her own place and lets start the process. she would like to keep the current arrangement for the kids through the hollidays. I have to agree with her here because it will keep a normal feel for them during these times and she will have time to get setup in a place of her own.

 

We get along great with the exception of her intimate feelings towards me. when she had this recent emotional affair it was like she had a hit of crack. She wants to be on her own so she can experiance this feeling again. She knows in her mind that the feeling always fades into what we had. But she is determined to do this.

 

btw, last night after the kids were in bed we had really really good sex. Then she left for the night. I slept like a baby. She even called me today asking if i was thinking about last night. I said yes and she said she was too. Is this a way to causually and possibly get some intimacy back? Or am i delusional?

 

First of all, I also agree a little with woggle perhaps not to the extreme implied. It seems clear to me that the adherence of another party on her end probably fed the destruction of feelings for you. This is a common occurrence with females in America these days, I recently went through the same thing, watched my friends go through the same thing. Be careful before you blame yourself, it's a tendency of the hurt person to try to find out why things went wrong and turning on yourself as the culprit. Certainly you have the time to reflect, so try to understand and embrace any responsibility you may have had. On that note, being that there is another person in the picture I would bet this was going on well before you knew it.

 

In my experience, when a woman checks out of a relationship she is already established at least an emotional connection with someone else. I believe more of the issue is hers, she should of been able to talk to if she was having problems with the relationship. Don't listen to excuses like some of the other posters stated, she is the person that has created the problems by not holding her vows, and keeping her feeling a secret. All relationships go through stale times at some point, and when that happens we become complacent and oblivious to some of our surroundings. To me, it's the duty of each committed person to speak up when there are problems, not stay silent until some other romeo comes along to shift the lovebank around.

 

Hope you get over this quick, take care of yourself

 

Cheers!