My wife doesn't know

[Treatment]

I just finished reading the thread of "My wife found out about me". My story is very different but some things the same. I haven't told me wife what happened, but I've already ended the relationship with the other woman.

 

I feel like someone else inhabited my body for awhile. I mean I know it was me, that I did what I did, but it doesn't feel like me. I feel so much shame over my recent behavior. There was no physical intimacy between me and the other woman, but all the same I betrayed my wife and my marriage by the things that were said and implied.

 

I met a woman a couple of years ago at her place of employment. I'd go there fairly often, not to see her, but because of my job. We became friendly. Over about a year we'd chat more and more. Once she asked me if I'd give her a lift to where her vehicle was being worked on, very innocuous stuff, I thought. Anyway, she moved to a different state, and asked me if I'd e-mail her. At first I said no, but then changed my mind and gave her an e-mail address that I use for business. I don't really know why I gave her the address, but somehow I felt like if I refused to write her that somehow that made the friendship more than what it was to me. Also, she had a boyfriend, and in fact was moving to live with him.

 

So we started to write. At first it was all just hi how are you, I'm doing this and that and what are you doing, etc. After about 5-6 months of writing the tone of the emails began to change. Somehow I started to think of this woman romantically. I don't believe I ever said to her "I love you", but I would sign the letters, love, (my name). About that time family stuff brought her back to the area where I live, and she asked me to meet with her. I did and we had lunch. She kept wanting to talk about my wife, and would ask things about her. This made me very uncomfortable and I wouldn't talk about my wife to her.

 

We kept writing and a few months later (about 9 mos to a year into our writing "friendship" she broke up with her boyfriend. Then she started to expect things from me. She wanted me to come to her state to help her move, then she wanted me to come visit her and take care of a problem for her at her house (in the other state), but I said "no". Then she decided to come back to my state again. We met again. This visit I realized that I hadn't known the person at all. We went for a walk on the beach, and I don't know what she said or even if she said anything, but all of a sudden I looked at her and went to myself "you are not a nice person". About 2 weeks later, after she was back home in her state I called her and told her that it was over.

 

I never had a physical relationship with her. I never kissed her or touched her in an intimate nature. I did hug her a couple of times but they were of the nature of a hug to a friend, not a sexual type of hug.

 

I feel terrible.. I don't know what to do where my wife is concerned. I don't know if this woman will be angry enough to contact my wife. I'd rather my wife never knew about it, but if there's any chance she'll find out I'd prefer that she found out from me than from the other woman. Will my feelings of deceit faid with time if I don't tell me wife? My wife has had some challenges in the last few years and is very depressed. I'm afraid this could put her over the edge. I don't know what to do. I would very much like some advice. Thank-you.

[bestadvisor]

Your story is not that much similiar to "My wife found out about me", but more similiar to http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t128506/9 because the guy in "My wife found out about me" physically cheated on his wife even after his wife found out. I hope you're more moral than he is.

 

Anyways, I think you would have probably physically cheated on your wife if the other woman was single and she came on to you ver strong. You could be in trouble, because someone might have seen you at the beach or other places or she might tell your wife directly and your wife is going to assume things using her imagination.

[IpAncA]

Sounds like she wanted to start something with you more than you did. But I wonder what would have happend if you thought she was the person you thought she was. Would you have started something?

 

I am glad you ended your contact with her and I suggest you keep N/C.

 

I betrayed my wife and my marriage by the things that were said and implied.

 

What did you exactly do? Did you get emotional with her?

[LakesideDream]

You said "No, No, No" congratulations. Now it's time to absolutely never mention it again, don't even think about it.

 

Nothing happened, you made sure of it. Let go of it and don't burden your wife with it.

 

Oh... and now that you know the signs, don't do it again!

[Treatment]

If she had been someone who was physically appealing to me I don't think I would have ever agreed to write her. She wasn't. The most appealing thing about her, in all honesty was that she liked me. That and I felt really bad about myself then. My wife is very successful and very intelligent. I don't make nearly as much money and I haven't felt very smart for a long while. Part of that may be because I too often compare myself to my wife.

 

Also, my wife was angry with me (I have to admit that it was justified, as too much of the household burden was on her. I wasn't living up to my side). But it was nice hearing how great I was instead of feeling inadequate.

 

Would I have cheated if she had been who/what I had made her into? If she had really been what my imagination had created she never would have asked a married man to write her, so I think I chose someone who would not and could not be a person I could actually love. Does that make any sense?

 

Thank-you LakeSideDream. I did say no. But before I said no, things went much too far on an imaginary level. The woman I don't suppose could really have anything to say as we were supposedly just "friends". But at the same time, she made it obvious in every way that she expected we would be together, and I didn't ever say that wasn't my plans. I just let her go on imagining a future with me. I didn't offer her a future, or talk about being together, but I also didn't clarify what I knew was in her head. I let her believe what I knew she wanted to believe because then I kept getting the positive strokes that I wanted.

[bestadvisor]

You could be in trouble if your wife found out you had a (what seems like a romantic) beach walk with a woman OR you could be in trouble if she print out those emails you sent her privately and show them to your wife. You're playing with fire, but you have not been burned yet.

 

Based on your action and intention, I think would you have gone all the way, if the woman was single all along, has initiated things or event constantly, and she was more attractive than you have described. In other words, I think this can happened again, at another time with another woman.

[IpAncA]

Yeah I agree your not burned yet. If you W finds out she's going to want to know why you did what you did. You shouldn't have met with her, you shouldn't have befriended her, and you certainly shouldn't let it go on as long as it did

 

This wasn't a smart because if this other person is mad enough she will contact your W if she can.

 

So what were you getting that you weren't from you W?

[Treatment]

bestadvisor, I understand what you are saying, I just don't agree with what you are saying. I would not have had a physical relationship with anyone. I specifically would not have pursued even a friendship with a woman who was physically attractive to me, so it's not what would have happened, had this woman been attractive to me, nothing at all would have happened had she been attractive to me. She pursued me anyway and she would certainly have been "up" for having a physical relationship regardless of her personal situation. She made that very very clear.

 

IpAncA, I really know that I shouldn't have done ANY of the things I did. It didn't matter that in the beginning my intentions were for friendship, my actions were still without honor. I am very very ashamed of what I did. And you are right, if my wife finds out she will be badly hurt. That's why I don't want her to know.

 

What I got from her that I wasn't getting from my wife was both the feeling of being important, and the feeling of being intelligent. The woman was not smart and she made me feel like I was downright brilliant by comparison. Also, she made a lot over me. She talk to me about how wonderful I was and how smart and well, she talked like she really really LIKED me. That was something I hadn't been getting from my wife for awhile. Though recently, something has changed with my wife, and she's again treating me more the way she used to do.

[bestadvisor]

I would not have had a physical relationship with anyone. I specifically would not have pursued even a friendship with a woman who was physically attractive to me.

 

IF what you said is really true, you're OK then. Stop all contact with this other woman and pray that your wife will never find out OR come clean with your wife about everything. Even if your wife believed everything you said, she will still be troubled with those "love" emails and that "romantic" walk at the beach.

[IpAncA]

Is it possible for that women to contact your W? Does she know where you live or have your home phone number?

[whichwayisup]

Basically this woman made you feel good, looked up to you and thought you were great. It was 'safe' while she was with someone else, but now that they've broken up, it's abit more 'real' and the potiental for her to come on to you, go after you is much greater...

 

after she was back home in her state I called her and told her that it was over.

And has she contacted you since then?

[bestadvisor]

after she was back home in her state I called her and told her that it was over.

 

What is over? It seems that there are a lot to these communications and emails that you're not telling us. How often are you and her on the phone and what are the conversations about....flirtatious?

[IpAncA]

What I got from her that I wasn't getting from my wife was both the feeling of being important, and the feeling of being intelligent. The woman was not smart and she made me feel like I was downright brilliant by comparison. Also, she made a lot over me. She talk to me about how wonderful I was and how smart and well, she talked like she really really LIKED me. That was something I hadn't been getting from my wife for awhile. Though recently, something has changed with my wife, and she's again treating me more the way she used to do.

 

Why do you compare youself to your W? Does she do anything or say anything that gives you reason to feel the way you do? Have you talked to her about the way you feel?

 

Sorry Lol!! Were all kind of bombarding you here.

[Tomcat33]

bestadvisor, I understand what you are saying, I just don't agree with what you are saying. I would not have had a physical relationship with anyone. I specifically would not have pursued even a friendship with a woman who was physically attractive to me, so it's not what would have happened, had this woman been attractive to me, nothing at all would have happened had she been attractive to me. She pursued me anyway and she would certainly have been "up" for having a physical relationship regardless of her personal situation. She made that very very clear.

 

IpAncA, I really know that I shouldn't have done ANY of the things I did. It didn't matter that in the beginning my intentions were for friendship, my actions were still without honor. I am very very ashamed of what I did. And you are right, if my wife finds out she will be badly hurt. That's why I don't want her to know.

 

What I got from her that I wasn't getting from my wife was both the feeling of being important, and the feeling of being intelligent. The woman was not smart and she made me feel like I was downright brilliant by comparison. Also, she made a lot over me. She talk to me about how wonderful I was and how smart and well, she talked like she really really LIKED me. That was something I hadn't been getting from my wife for awhile. Though recently, something has changed with my wife, and she's again treating me more the way she used to do.

 

 

It appears that some people are not listening to what you are saying. I hear you loud and clear. The psychology behind what you did was calculated enough that even though you did cross a mental line you chose to do so with someone that there would be no possible way you would develop a physical attraction with. Needless to say it can still prove to be a dangerous situation because you may have not been all that physically attracted to her at first but had you spent enough time maybe you might have seen her in a different light, sort of grow to find her appealing. Thankfully that did not happen, and you just took it for what it was: a woman who payed you enough attention to give you what you much needed at the time.

 

It doesn't sound like you either wanted this or would do this again. It sounds like you simply took the agressive passes and ran with it. I hope you learned you lesson of how dangerous this can be, you need to take responsibility in that you went along with the passes, even if it was all her who did the pursuing.

 

Having said that, I think you could benefit immensely from having a heart to heart with your W, not to hurt her but to level with her and let her know that something did happen to you that you are now trying to understand. I think what happened to you alarming and if your W is mature enough to understand what happened you can overcome this experience and actually use it to improve your marriage. Most women in your Ws shoes would welcome the notion even if is hurtful to hear it can be a real eye opener and it can actually help her understand what happened. If you were emotionally somewhat vested in this OW I am sure your W sensed the pulling away from your part. She might actually appreciate knowing what it was that had you so preoccupied.

 

I think your OW sounds very needy and you should definitely learn from this experience in that no matter how much someone pulls at you it can never end in a good way if you allow the advances. You have accepted you acted selfishly no matter what the reason was and that is a huge step towards the right direction.

 

As I always say regret is a waste of energy, instead how would you plan to use that energy in a more constructive manner?

[Tomcat33]

Why do you compare youself to your W? Does she do anything or say anything that gives you reason to feel the way you do? Have you talked to her about the way you feel?

 

Sorry Lol!! Were all kind of bombarding you here.

 

 

he already explained that, he feels somewhat shadowed by her success. It is quite common these days especially with women who have very competent careers for men to feel a little bit threatened. It's understandable but it does not excuse looking outside the marriage for validation. The validation should come from himself and from his partner. They should validate each other.

[Tomcat33]

Once she asked me if I'd give her a lift to where her vehicle was being worked on, very innocuous stuff, I thought.

 

Treament: Forgive my saying but there is nothing innocuous about a woman asking you give her a ride anywhere. She was not your friend or a friend of the family's you should know better than to agree to chauffeur women around behind your Ws back. The rule of thumb is if it feels wrong it is wrong, in other words if you have to hide something from your W then you probably should not be doing it.

Your OW sounds like she knew exactly what she wanted from you and played into that.

 

What's with some men and not being able to say the word NO to stuff like that?

 

Given how persistent you have described this OW to be it doesn't sound like she would just bow away quietly....be careful.

[Ladyjane14]

You said "No, No, No" congratulations. Now it's time to absolutely never mention it again, don't even think about it.

 

Nothing happened, you made sure of it. Let go of it and don't burden your wife with it.

 

Oh... and now that you know the signs, don't do it again!

 

I agree with Lakeside. You didn't allow the relationship to progress, so I don't see how it's necessary to 'wear the hair shirt' over it.

 

That said, I think you've recognized a vulnerability within the marriage. Maybe it's time to freshen up the relationship a bit. Spend a bit more time together, take up a new shared hobby, spice up your sex life, etc.

 

It sounds to me like you have a tendency to be a little bit hard on yourself, what with all this, "I don't feel smart and I don't make much money" business. Get off your own back, man. If you won't be your friend, who will?

Recognize your assets, what YOU bring to the table that's unique and special. And if you're still having trouble developing good self-esteem, see a counselor and talk it out.

 

I don't see any reason to live in fear of your wife "finding out". You can cross that bridge if and when you get to it. Afterall, you didn't really 'go there'. It's not your fault this woman made assumptions about you, and it's not unnatural that you enjoyed her attention at a time when your self-esteem was low. Forgive yourself, and then apply your energy to what's REAL in your life.

[Treatment]

Treament: Forgive my saying but there is nothing innocuous about a woman asking you give her a ride anywhere. She was not your friend or a friend of the family's you should know better than to agree to chauffeur women around behind your Ws back. The rule of thumb is if it feels wrong it is wrong, in other words if you have to hide something from your W then you probably should not be doing it.

Your OW sounds like she knew exactly what she wanted from you and played into that.

 

What's with some men and not being able to say the word NO to stuff like that?

 

Given how persistent you have described this OW to be it doesn't sound like she would just bow away quietly....be careful.

I see that now. I don't know why I didn't at the time. Especially since she took my picture while I was talking to the mechanic for her. I guess I so badly wanted to be important that I wasn't willing to see what her agenda was.

 

You're right about not being able to say NO. There's something about the way it's presented. I would have felt like I was making something outof nothing to say no to her.

 

I think you are right about her though. I'm beginning to realize that I walked into a mess. I knew men were sneaky and conniving but I have to admit that I had a far different view of women. A better view of them than I guess was realistic.

[Treatment]

It sounds to me like you have a tendency to be a little bit hard on yourself, what with all this, "I don't feel smart and I don't make much money" business. Get off your own back, man. If you won't be your friend, who will?

Recognize your assets, what YOU bring to the table that's unique and special. And if you're still having trouble developing good self-esteem, see a counselor and talk it out.

 

I don't see any reason to live in fear of your wife "finding out". You can cross that bridge if and when you get to it. Afterall, you didn't really 'go there'. It's not your fault this woman made assumptions about you, and it's not unnatural that you enjoyed her attention at a time when your self-esteem was low. Forgive yourself, and then apply your energy to what's REAL in your life.

 

Thank-you LadyJane. No, I didn't "go there", but I do feel very bad about what I did. If my wife had done this I don't know what my reaction would be, but I don't think it would be good.

[Treatment]

What is over? It seems that there are a lot to these communications and emails that you're not telling us. How often are you and her on the phone and what are the conversations about....flirtatious?

 

I'm not on the phone with her at all now. Even when we were communicating it wasn't on the phone, it was e-mail. I believe over the year+ that we wrote I may have called her twice. I never gave her my phone number and it's unlisted so she couldn't call me. She doesn't know my address either. And as I said I ended all communication with her, that is what is over.

[bestadvisor]

I'm not on the phone with her at all now. Even when we were communicating it wasn't on the phone, it was e-mail. I believe over the year+ that we wrote I may have called her twice. I never gave her my phone number and it's unlisted so she couldn't call me. She doesn't know my address either. And as I said I ended all communication with her, that is what is over.

 

I guess the question is...are those two phone calls and those emails flirtatous or romantic in nature...what do you two talk about?

[2sunny]

I'm not on the phone with her at all now. Even when we were communicating it wasn't on the phone, it was e-mail. I believe over the year+ that we wrote I may have called her twice. I never gave her my phone number and it's unlisted so she couldn't call me. She doesn't know my address either. And as I said I ended all communication with her, that is what is over.

 

if you pay money - you can get anyone's address and phone number. don't think it doesn't happen all the time.

 

anyone i consider dating - i do a backround check on them before i even consider them a viable candidate. it will give you any info you want.

[Jinnah]

I'm proud of you for stopping this thing before it went even further. Your wife has the right to be upset that you e-mailed this woman and saw her without her knowing, and she also has the right to know. Someone should be with (and stay with) another person by choice and acceptance of all the positives and negatives, and obviously to make that informed choice, they have to know everything. I think she will be upset, but I think that, ultimately, she will forgive you for it and be happy you realized the things that you did and ultimately made the right choice.

 

In the future, you need to make sure you don't ever put yourself in this position again. If you ever start having these types of feelings, TELL YOUR WIFE... that's one of the quickest ways to get over the feelings. If you read the other posts on this website, you will see that all the trouble started when there was an opposite sex friend. I've heard professionals tell couples that they should NEVER have opposite sex friends (with the exception of other couples that they go out with TOGETHER)... I see the reasoning behind the advice... it's dangerous and can lead to emotional affairs.

 

It's GREAT that you realized that this woman is no good... ANY woman who would try to get close to and go after another woman's husband IS no good. What type of person would knowingly hurt another human being that badly? Not a good one. Another thing that's great is that you knew you shouldn't have even given her your e-mail address... next time listen to your instinct... don't talk yourself out of it. If I HAD to have a husband who got himself into such a sticky situation, I would be proud that (in the end) he handled it the right way. Try showing your wife what you wrote and the replies if you think it would help... but not too soon... she might be too angry.

[Jinnah]

The rule of thumb is if it feels wrong it is wrong, in other words if you have to hide something from your W then you probably should not be doing it.

Your OW sounds like she knew exactly what she wanted from you and played into that.

 

What's with some men and not being able to say the word NO to stuff like that?

 

 

Take this to heart.

[Jinnah]

Based on your action and intention, I think would you have gone all the way, if the woman was single all along, has initiated things or event constantly, and she was more attractive than you have described. In other words, I think this can happened again, at another time with another woman.

 

This is what I am worried about...

 

Tomcat33 gives some good advice.