I know my story is no different than most, but...

[EmotionallyYours]

Truthfully, this about sums my situation up. I am realizing these things, but then I find myself slipping back and saying to myself, "If only she had that really hot body" or "If only she shared my sense of humor". I know I'm really chasing a pipe dream. I am just working on getting my life back to normal and doing some self-assessment to become a happier person.

 

SSOB: I am feeling like this too. My H got back from his trip and I keep noticing little things that I take for granted. I notice all the good things he does for me and wonder what I do for him? I also wonder who else but him would put up with me, however...lol.

 

Then I start thinking about the things he is "not" that I wish he was. The funny thing is that these are all things people normally wouldn't want. Like "Why can't he like to get drunk at the bar every once in a while"... or "why can't he fart in front of me" (tribute to my other thread...). I don't want to start slipping into the "nots" but I do.

 

HOWEVER, I did have a good thing as well concerning me EA. I waited all day to post this because I wasn't sure if my feelings would last, frankly, even until the end of the day. They are still holding true so far though.

 

I looked at my EA last night and he just seemed "ugly" to me. Not in the looks department... but I just viewed him as not an attractive "person". I just had revulsion and thought... "What to hell are you thinking?". All night we were kind of snippy to each other. I guess he was getting the bad vibe off of me or something? I don't know.

 

What to heck is that about? Did any of you just suddenly see your EA in a new light and permanently lose feelings for him? Or is this probably just a temporary reprieve that my mind is giving me to recuperate from the constant obsessing of the last week or so?

[silktricks]

My husband and I both had really crappy first marriages. I was a virgin when I married the 1st time, and he had been only with one other woman before marrying his 1st wife. When he divorced his first wife he said that he prayed for a woman that would be "right" for him.

 

Both of us fooled around some after those first marriages were over. Somehow we met each other and quit looking. But married life is married life. It has its ups and downs. We had some problems and I believe that he was in the spot that you're in now. I wasn't doing "this right" or if I only had "that quality". I was doing the same thing in my mind, so can't really fault him doing it.

 

It's easy to begin to see only the faults of the person you're with as the little things (and the big things) they do grate on you. If you experience unhappiness it's much easier to blame that unhappiness on your partner than it is to look at your own self and your own behavior to find the source of the unhappiness.

 

Anyway, he had an EA, an e-mail "affair" including meeting the woman a few times. No petting or physical contact to speak of, but still WAY outside the bounds of what either of us would find acceptable.

 

After he told me ended it and told me about it, he remembered having prayed all of those years ago for the "right" woman. It took him long enough, but realized that his prayers had been answered all along.

 

The point of my story is that sometimes the "perfect" person is the one who's standing in front of you going "look at me. Look at me!!. I'm here and I love you!!" It's easy to see the apparent perfection of the people we aren't with simply because we aren't with them. We don't live with them. We don't take them for granted. We don't see their constant little faults. They look perfect because we see them from a distance and our sight just isn't that good!!

[smartgirl]

Truthfully, this about sums my situation up. I am realizing these things, but then I find myself slipping back and saying to myself, "If only she had that really hot body" or "If only she shared my sense of humor". I know I'm really chasing a pipe dream. I am just working on getting my life back to normal and doing some self-assessment to become a happier person.

 

I guess we all want the things we don't have with our spouse - sometimes. If you miss those things ALL the time then that might be something different. Sometimes you might be able to improve some of those things if you can approach your spouse in the right way.

 

I'll be honest, while I am very attractive and am told so, I never had a hot body and I never dressed to flaunt what I had (which I have discovered is part of the equation.) I don't live to get men's attention and so I never dressed to lure. Turns out, I needed to be thinking that way to lure my H.

 

I never knew how important that was to him. He didn't say so for obvious reasons. I had gained a lot of weight and while it didn't affect his sexual desire for me (I'm not sure why) it did make him feel that I didn't respect him or care enough for him to make myself look the best I can be. I told him later, that would have been the way to say it to me because I don't want him feeling that I don't care. It hurt him and I guess made him feel neglected in a way. So I do cardio about 5-6 days a week and lift weights 2-3. I have a great body and I dress to show it off -- within reason. I should have done it before, but I didn't think it mattered. He has never been one to compliment and so in the absence of positive feedback I just thought he didn't care at all. Knowing my looking good makes him feel good, not just about me, but about himself (and in comparison to other men)was highly motivating to me.

 

I'm not saying you can fix all the things you lack with your wife, but maybe there are somethings. You should ask her what she wishes she had from you. You might be surprised.

[OpenBook]

I don't live to get men's attention and so I never dressed to lure. Turns out, I needed to be thinking that way to lure my H.

 

I never knew how important that was to him. He didn't say so for obvious reasons. I had gained a lot of weight and while it didn't affect his sexual desire for me (I'm not sure why) it did make him feel that I didn't respect him or care enough for him to make myself look the best I can be. I told him later, that would have been the way to say it to me because I don't want him feeling that I don't care. It hurt him and I guess made him feel neglected in a way... Knowing my looking good makes him feel good, not just about me, but about himself (and in comparison to other men)was highly motivating to me.

 

Wow! What an insightful post, smartgirl. Men are quite difficult for me to understand sometimes. This helps.

[smartgirl]

Yes, we tend to think men are so easy to figure out. Cosmo says so, right? I discovered that some of these books are right. Men often experience love through sex. It isn't just a physical sensation. Unfortunately, that fact is why so many men's hearts are lost when they start what they think will be a just for sex affair.

 

We are all victims of our preconceived notions. They can't change. They won't change. This is just the way it is. This is all there is. If motivated however, you can change more than you think and other people can change more than you thought. I wish I could show you a picture of me a year ago and picture of me today. I wish I could describe his previous lack of attentiveness compared to the way he is today. We are the same, but we are different.

[IamASelfishSOB]

I guess we all want the things we don't have with our spouse - sometimes. If you miss those things ALL the time then that might be something different. Sometimes you might be able to improve some of those things if you can approach your spouse in the right way.

 

I'll be honest, while I am very attractive and am told so, I never had a hot body and I never dressed to flaunt what I had (which I have discovered is part of the equation.) I don't live to get men's attention and so I never dressed to lure. Turns out, I needed to be thinking that way to lure my H.

 

I never knew how important that was to him. He didn't say so for obvious reasons. I had gained a lot of weight and while it didn't affect his sexual desire for me (I'm not sure why) it did make him feel that I didn't respect him or care enough for him to make myself look the best I can be. I told him later, that would have been the way to say it to me because I don't want him feeling that I don't care. It hurt him and I guess made him feel neglected in a way. So I do cardio about 5-6 days a week and lift weights 2-3. I have a great body and I dress to show it off -- within reason. I should have done it before, but I didn't think it mattered. He has never been one to compliment and so in the absence of positive feedback I just thought he didn't care at all. Knowing my looking good makes him feel good, not just about me, but about himself (and in comparison to other men)was highly motivating to me.

 

I'm not saying you can fix all the things you lack with your wife, but maybe there are somethings. You should ask her what she wishes she had from you. You might be surprised.

 

My wife works out 6 days a week. Lifts and cardio. She really tries, it's just REALLY difficult for her to have a "hot body". She just struggles with her weight. She was near anorexic when I met her. She did have a "hot body" then, but anorexia is not the answer. She is not obese by any stretch of the imagination. She looks fine, but not great. It's OK, really. I don't need for her to be perfect. Only for her to be happy with who she is. Yes, I wish she had a great body, but it's not a big deal. If she was sitting around eating all day and did nothing, that would be different. She tries. That's all I ask.

 

We had a discussion at work about Britney Spears and her VMA performance. People are calling her fat and giving her a really hard time. Really she looked fine, she just didn't have attitude. If her performance would have been more confident and polished. Nobody would have mentioned her weight.

[VIP]

Men often experience love through sex. It isn't just a physical sensation. Unfortunately, that fact is why so many men's hearts are lost when they start what they think will be a just for sex affair.

 

Men experience love through sex only with a woman they already love. Of course they can fall in love in the process, but usually men are able to separate sex from emotions more than women.

 

I wish I could show you a picture of me a year ago and picture of me today. I wish I could describe his previous lack of attentiveness compared to the way he is today. We are the same, but we are different.

 

But that is somewhat shallow, if his attentiveness depends on how hot your body is. That just means it will change when you gain weight again.

[VIP]

She did have a "hot body" then, but anorexia is not the answer. She is not obese by any stretch of the imagination. She looks fine, but not great. It's OK, really. I don't need for her to be perfect. Only for her to be happy with who she is. Yes, I wish she had a great body, but it's not a big deal. If she was sitting around eating all day and did nothing, that would be different. She tries. That's all I ask.

 

She might not be eating much, but if you eat the wrong stuff, you will gain weight. The first thing to limit drastically is carbohydrates, everything else should be in moderation.

[smartgirl]

VIP - I did not mean to imply that my H was attentive because Ilost the weight. He became more attentive because he finally understood, via our therapy, that his lack of romancing made me feel neglected and unappreciated. We both understand now that our needs are similar, but have to be expressed in different ways - what works for him isn't the same as what works for me.

 

What I was trying to communicate is that we both became more aware of what each other needed emotionally and were willing to put the work in to change.

[smartgirl]

SSOB - I'm a woman and probably not supposed to be understanding of your desire for the hot body, but I do understand. I know men are mostly stimulated visually and there needs to be some of that. Of course, that being said, I see plenty of happy couples where there isn't much visually going on with either of them. So who knows.

 

My H really wanted that experience. She really made his dreams come true when she got breast implants. I know he was excited by it all, especially during the early part of the A. But even when she still looked hot and I still didn't, he still came to the conclusion that he was happier with me.

 

I was so consumed with comparing myself to her that as negatively as I feel about implants, I actually considered getting them. I was tortured by the idea that I was a disappointment to him now after being with her. I still struggle with it because she is also about 15 years younger. They always are for some reason.

 

I don't know if your wife's body needs to be hotter to make you feel more aroused or if you just need to be happier with her to be more aroused. I don't know if that makes sense to you or not. I just know that as time has gone on and we have begun to recover from all this his libido keeps getting stronger.

[bish]

Bish is really not trying to be helpful, so I put him in my ignore list.

 

No, you just don't want to hear the cold hard truth of the matter.

 

Why not answer the question?...if you don't love your wife, why don't you divorce her?

 

I'm pretty sure the guy just has no tolerance for anyone that has ever cheated and figures we can all rot in hell.

 

Well I'm not going to lie I have no tolerance for cheaters. But what does that have to do with advising you to divorce someone you obviously do not love and care for especially when you admit it?

 

Listen. The OW does not mean more to me.

 

Well you're not doing much to prove that wrong.

 

The if dea that there is another person out there that may be perfect for me is my problem.

 

Then I'll say again, if you believe that, why are you still married to your wife?

 

The reasons I don't want to go into it is that I am trying to avoid as much collateral damage as possible. I don't want to ruin her life or the lives of her husband and kids. Why would that be a good thing if I can make this work without it? It was one night and it hasn't continued. No one except you all know about it. If there is an issue when she returns to work, then I will have to deal with it. Otherwise, it's over and I can work on fixing myself and my marriage.

 

Whats to fix? You say you don't love your wife. What grand revelation is going to make you think you do?

[bish]

I'm saying that in my moment of weakness, my mind was playing tricks on me. .

 

 

You aren't making a whole lot of sense. In other posts you say that you think there is someone ELSE out there that is perfect for you....and you also said you don't love your wife. Doesn't sound like a moment of weakness to me.

 

I think that you did what you wanted to do...pawn it off as a moment of weakness, but really don't love your wife as you already said you don't and just want to keep your marriage out of convenience.

 

If I am wrong, then tell me why you'd tell everyone here that you don't love your wife..and that there is someone else out there that is perfect for you...but then say it was only a moment of weakness. I'm just expecting a little consistency here.

[notmenever]

Wow! That's a lot of reading!!!

 

SOB, you shouldn't have done what you did but last I checked, the world didn't end. NO, don't tell your wife. Bury this incident in the far reaches of your mind and pretend it never happened.

 

If you can find a few good things that you like about your wife, then focus on them and work on the things that need to be changed.

 

You beat yourself up enough...we're all human. Keep your platonic friend, however, otherwise you will turn into a resentful, miserable mess of a person.

 

Plenty of good life ahead of you!

[smartgirl]

SSOB - you are right to block out the nasties. I didn't know you could do that but I'm going to now.

 

I guess I've taken your situation really to heart. As a flawed human myself, I understand all the reasons my H got involved with this person. Why he wasn't smart enough or strong enough to stop before it went too far, I'm not so good at. He certainly asks himself that all the time. But the reason he didn't is because of all the things you are experiencing now.

 

I eat myself alive with all the thoughts of why didn't I see this coming, why didn't I figure it out, if I had figured it out I could have stopped it before it got so far, why didn't he tell me how he felt, etc, etc. I see you struggling and through the many candid conversations my H and I have had I think I know exactly how you feel and how hard it is for you to take the course of action you are now trying to take.

 

I will be totally frank with you -- I wonder all the time whether we are moving in the direction we are and he has gained the insights he has only because he had this affair and only because he let it go all the way to its inevitable sordid, horrible conclusion. For instance: They had actually stopped having sex months before I found out and were working through how to disengage. At least my H was and thought she was. When I found out, it was like he snapped out of a trance and told her all the phone calls and lunches were over. She exploded and tortured him for the next 7 months. She still holds all this over his head and could explode his job and career anytime she wants to. We live with this everyday.

 

He says now that the revelations and feelings of being so desired weren't worth all the horror (his word). I wonder though. Would he be like you are now. Unsatisfied, longing, but trying to do the right thing. I wouldn't want that. I wouldn't want a platonic, passionless relationship with benefits and I told him so. It took him about a year to really recover from this enough to relax during sex and regain his enthusiasm.

 

Does it really have to happen the hard way to gain insight and inner peace? I wonder this every day. I read your posts and it is like having the ability to go back in time and change the horrible history I have had to endure. But it is possible to do that? Does this same horrible scenario have to keep playing itself out with man after man and marriage after marriage all coming to much the same conclusion - things really were the best back in Kansas? But many times, the hurt and the damage is too great, and there is no going back to the way it was before.

 

I'd like to think there is a better way and so I post on this thread and hope I can help you in some way. I hope you do seek IC. You sound very, very alone and it will help to have a real person to connect with.

[Meaplus3]

Wow! That's a lot of reading!!!

 

SOB, you shouldn't have done what you did but last I checked, the world didn't end. NO, don't tell your wife. Bury this incident in the far reaches of your mind and pretend it never happened.

 

If you can find a few good things that you like about your wife, then focus on them and work on the things that need to be changed.

 

You beat yourself up enough...we're all human. Keep your platonic friend, however, otherwise you will turn into a resentful, miserable mess of a person.

 

Plenty of good life ahead of you!

 

 

IMO SOB, Tell your W, come clean and be done with it!

 

AP:)

[harleygirl92156]

I ran across this post tonight and read the whole thing. From what I understand you are planning to tell your wife the whole truth but you are going to leave out the name of the other woman.

 

As the wife of a man who cheated and did that very thing, can I please impress on you DO NOT DO THIS TO HER!!!

 

It is horrible, worse than knowing your husband cheated on you. By not telling her she will see it as you trying to protect the other woman and her feelings over the wife. It will make a difficult situation much worse. Please take this advice from someone who was in your wifes position. If you refuse to tell her who the other woman is, she will obsess over every woman you have come in contact with, friends, co-workers, neighbors......it will be horrible for her.

 

I never thought I would say this, ever, but if you are not willing to tell her the WHOLE truth, don't tell her anything. The knowing, but NOT knowing who is the more hurtful than the affair its self.

 

Tell the the truth, the whole truth and help her through it. What happens to the other woman is none of your concern at this point as she is just as much to blame as you and her consequences are her own to deal with because she is no longer a part of your life.

 

You don't have to tell her if you are sure she doesn't know, don't tell her, BUT make it clear to the other woman that if she doesn't leave you alone, you will tell your wife and HER husband. If you are truely sincere about not continuing with her, this shouldn't be a problem. The other woman will most likely back off quickly. All you have to decide is if this is really what you want.

[silktricks]

I ran across this post tonight and read the whole thing. From what I understand you are planning to tell your wife the whole truth but you are going to leave out the name of the other woman.

 

As the wife of a man who cheated and did that very thing, can I please impress on you DO NOT DO THIS TO HER!!!

 

It is horrible, worse than knowing your husband cheated on you. By not telling her she will see it as you trying to protect the other woman and her feelings over the wife. It will make a difficult situation much worse. Please take this advice from someone who was in your wifes position. If you refuse to tell her who the other woman is, she will obsess over every woman you have come in contact with, friends, co-workers, neighbors......it will be horrible for her.

 

I never thought I would say this, ever, but if you are not willing to tell her the WHOLE truth, don't tell her anything. The knowing, but NOT knowing who is the more hurtful than the affair its self.

 

Tell the the truth, the whole truth and help her through it. What happens to the other woman is none of your concern at this point as she is just as much to blame as you and her consequences are her own to deal with because she is no longer a part of your life.

 

You don't have to tell her if you are sure she doesn't know, don't tell her, BUT make it clear to the other woman that if she doesn't leave you alone, you will tell your wife and HER husband. If you are truely sincere about not continuing with her, this shouldn't be a problem. The other woman will most likely back off quickly. All you have to decide is if this is really what you want.

 

HG is 100% correct. Do NOT do this to your wife. She will feel like she is 2nd best to the other woman in your eyes and mind.

[bish]

My wife works out 6 days a week. Lifts and cardio. She really tries, it's just REALLY difficult for her to have a "hot body". She just struggles with her weight. She was near anorexic when I met her. She did have a "hot body" then, but anorexia is not the answer. She is not obese by any stretch of the imagination. She looks fine, but not great. It's OK, really. I don't need for her to be perfect. Only for her to be happy with who she is. Yes, I wish she had a great body, but it's not a big deal. If she was sitting around eating all day and did nothing, that would be different. She tries. That's all I ask..

 

Obviously a load of bunk...because she IS doing all that you ask by working her ass off to have a body you want, and you still cheat on her.

 

And here she is working her ass off to look good, and you cheat...wonder what that is going to do for her self-esteem?

 

Or maybe she is working on her body for other reasons...eh? Maybe for someone that will appreciate her if she ever divorces you.

[IamASelfishSOB]

Thanks again Smartgirl. You have truly been a big help. Your husband's situation seems so similar to mine. This woman is not younger, though. She is older in fact, she was just very confident (seemingly so), outgoing and attractive. She's coming back to work this week. I talked to her a couple of days ago. She was a little concerned about the situation as well. I told her how I intended to act and she said the same. I told her that since we were both attending to our marriages, we should allow each other to do that with complete privacy and discretion. We have discussed that it was the last time that we need to speak about any of this on a personal level. Work only and professionally only.

 

I know my wife is the person for me.

 

To the others worried about holding out on my wife. It is my intent to let her know that I have been thinking about other women, no one specific. I know it is not entirely truthful. I really just don't want to do any damage to anyone else's life if I can help it. If it comes down to it, I will tell her. I don't want to hurt her.

[smartgirl]

SSOB - for different reasons, I think I agree about not getting into the fact that it is one person in particular.

 

The first therapist we had said, "it could have been any woman" it is just that he was vulnerable at that time to that situation. It took me a good year and then some (him too) to realize that was true. It wasn't her so much as what she represented and how the experience made my H feel about himself. I think you do need to do some IC work to figure out what she represented to you as a way of figuring out what you need and to see if you can somehow get it another way.

 

Your wife will eat herself alive comparing herself to this other woman. She will focus on that and be some time in being able to focus on the situation between the two of you. Of course, than can be highly motivating to a woman to look at change herself -- it sure was to me. But this OW and I were as different as night and day.

 

I wouldn't bring the OW into it, but you will probably have to discuss with your wife some of the characteristics of women you find yourself being attracted to. Not necessarily the "hotter body" thing, but you could talk about presenting herself in a more sexually alluring way. Like I said, I found how I dressed was actually a part of the equation. As for the rest, I think it is the idea that someone is focused on your needs at times and not always pulled toward the house and kids. That is somewhat unfair, because what choice does she have. But if you read "mars and venus in the bedroom" and ignore some of the goofy stuff, he talks a lot about how to help your wife disengage from her working mother role and reconnect with her feminine, sexual self. I experienced that problem but didn't really understand why I felt that way or what he could do to help until I read the book.

 

You sound like a really good guy. I'm glad you are going down the road you are and never talking to this woman again about your feelings will be critical. Don't fall into the trap of "checking in with her" to see how she is doing. Just don't, because you will feel guilty and it really isn't your problem, it is hers.

 

But also realize that you are entitled to these feelings. They are real and they have to be understood and dealt with, not ignored as though you are a s**t for feeling them. Even after all I've been through, I understand how my H felt. I understand how he started down the wrong road. It is all the stuff that came much later that eats at me. You still have time to stop that and I am so glad you are trying to do that.

[IamASelfishSOB]

SSOB - for different reasons, I think I agree about not getting into the fact that it is one person in particular.

 

 

The first therapist we had said, "it could have been any woman" it is just that he was vulnerable at that time to that situation. It took me a good year and then some (him too) to realize that was true. It wasn't her so much as what she represented and how the experience made my H feel about himself. I think you do need to do some IC work to figure out what she represented to you as a way of figuring out what you need and to see if you can somehow get it another way.

 

Your wife will eat herself alive comparing herself to this other woman. She will focus on that and be some time in being able to focus on the situation between the two of you. Of course, than can be highly motivating to a woman to look at change herself -- it sure was to me. But this OW and I were as different as night and day.

 

I wouldn't bring the OW into it, but you will probably have to discuss with your wife some of the characteristics of women you find yourself being attracted to. Not necessarily the "hotter body" thing, but you could talk about presenting herself in a more sexually alluring way. Like I said, I found how I dressed was actually a part of the equation. As for the rest, I think it is the idea that someone is focused on your needs at times and not always pulled toward the house and kids. That is somewhat unfair, because what choice does she have. But if you read "mars and venus in the bedroom" and ignore some of the goofy stuff, he talks a lot about how to help your wife disengage from her working mother role and reconnect with her feminine, sexual self. I experienced that problem but didn't really understand why I felt that way or what he could do to help until I read the book.

 

You sound like a really good guy. I'm glad you are going down the road you are and never talking to this woman again about your feelings will be critical. Don't fall into the trap of "checking in with her" to see how she is doing. Just don't, because you will feel guilty and it really isn't your problem, it is hers.

 

But also realize that you are entitled to these feelings. They are real and they have to be understood and dealt with, not ignored as though you are a s**t for feeling them. Even after all I've been through, I understand how my H felt. I understand how he started down the wrong road. It is all the stuff that came much later that eats at me. You still have time to stop that and I am so glad you are trying to do that.

 

I will say that your husband is a very lucky man to have a wife that has spent the time to come to the conclusions that you have. I'm sure he knows it.

 

I'd like to think I'm a good guy. I'm not as good a guy as I thought I was, however. I'm going to make right. That's all I can do. Hopefully without any significant drama at home or the office.

[whichwayisup]

I'd like to think I'm a good guy. I'm not as good a guy as I thought I was, however. I'm going to make right.

 

You'll become that good guy again because you want to be. You want to change, you're taking responsibility for your mistakes and doing all that you can to make it better. To me, that is a wonderful step in the right direction.

[smartgirl]

SSOB - thank you for your kind words. I don't know that I am so high minded as I am determined. My father instilled in me a belief that most problems can be fixed if you are creative enough and determined enough. That 90% of making something better is deciding that is what you are going to do.

 

In some ways I think you are wired the same way. You can either be a victim of circumstance or you can figure out what needs to be done to correct a bad situation. I was in a good place to start, because my H had already come to the conclusion that I was in fact the right woman for him. Some of the best therapy for me is being active in my own recovery and not just waiting for time to heal all. That is why the reading was so invaluable and why I recommend it so strongly.

 

Right now you have most of the work to do. I hope your wife will embrace this "mission" with you because you need the love right now. So does she I imagine. If as you say, she's noticed something, she may already be feeling very vulnerable and afraid. In the temporary absence of strong love, a lot of loving actions on your part will likely return a lot of loving actions back to you. That is as good a place to start as any.

[Mustang Sally]

Hey SSOB,

How are you doing?

How has the work week gone with OW?

 

Care to give an update?

[IamASelfishSOB]

Coming in today for the first time.