Why do I feel like this!

[shellyann]

I found this web site after trying to do some research on my problem. Little bit about me- I'm almost 30 been with my husband for the last 6 years been married for the last 3 years. We've had our share of problems- he cheated on about 2 years ago with an ex of his. I was devastated but we tried to work things out. We've been in counseling on and off since that happened. The trust has returned as much as it can and we have a lot in common, get along really well, rarely fight anymore except over the issue of spending enough time together. My husband works 2 separate jobs and he also does a lot of stuff for his sister who has two kids (she is a single mom and refuses any child support from her ex or her new baby's father) So my husband spends a lot of time working on her car, fixing stuff at her house etc. I also try to help his sister out and do as much around the house as I can so he doesn't have to do those things too. I work as well if anyone wonders.

 

We may see eachother three days a week and its not really anythign quality because we are busy doing chores and things. I get maybe a half hour a week of one-on-one time with him. We do have sex about three times a week if we get time and it is ok.

 

Now that you have the background my problem is that I think I"m falling for someone and he's not my husband. Nothing physical has happened and I don't plan on it happening cause my husband hurt me very badly when he slept with his ex. The guy I'm falling for is one of my exes from years ago. He has a little boy who is 9 and I've been seeing and talking to both of them. We used to be friends but when I got married we lost touch.

 

For the last month or so we've started hanging out (my husband knows and isn't jumping up and down but he knows I"m bored and want to get out of the house after work) We've gone to dinner, to movies and this week we've spent the whole week (well every day after work) at this local amusement park. I;ve had so much fun with the two of them. I'm finding myself attracted to my ex again. We have a good time talking and are starting to develop a connection. He wants to see me all the time and his son is always hugging me and calls me "Aunt shelly" which is cute. My ex hasn't done anything inappropriate but I think he would want more if I were not married. Its just that I'm getting the attention and conversation and affection (not physical but verbal as in compliments) from him that I used to crave from my husband. Its getting the point where this week I don't even want to have sex with my husband because it seems like a chore I want to avoid. Also I don't really want to spend time with him anymore (at least this started this week) I will leave work and go see my ex and hang out with them. I feel like if my husband blew me off for a week I wouldn't be upset. I've thought about what life would be like if I got divorced and maybe then pursued something with my ex. I don't know if I am living in fantasy land because I have all these warm good feelings for my ex right now. I mean he IS an ex for a reason. he too cheated although it was a few one night stands and it was when he was really angry with me after a fight. But I left him for that. and there's no guarantee that he's changed. (I have no idea why his other relationships ended over the years)

 

 

I had felt neglected lately and my husband and I talked about it and tried to spend more time together but it just feels like less and less. I do love him but it just seems like he's taking me for granted and puts more effort into helping his sister and working than he does in our marriage. And now it seems that I don't even care anymore and am infactuated with this other guy. I have no plans of actually cheating but I'm trying to stop feeling this way. how do I make the feel-good high I get from spending time with my ex go away and not want to be around him and want to start working on my marriage? or are the good feelings real and I should leave my husband?

[whichwayisup]

You need to stay away from the ex, you KNOW what the pain is like when someone you love cheats on you. If you are lonely, get some women friends, spend time with your family, kids, mom/dad, sister etc...Involving another man into your life when you feel neglected is just asking for trouble and even more so as you're attracted to your ex. HE is your ex for a reason and the feelings you have for him are purely based on needs that your H isn't meeting right now. Keep it in perspective!

 

You and your H need to MAKE time together. Yes, it's wonderful he is a great brother to his sister, but she has to let someone else help her. Her new boyfriend...Your H cannot be at HER beck and call 24/7 because you and your kids suffer for it. Tell him that you're lonely and you're seeking attention from another man. I'm sure if he KNEW that you were thinking of the OM (the ex) more and more, your H would make a bigger effort.

 

Also, you two need marriage counselling.

[JustBreathe]

Well, I fully understand why you would start seeing your ex and feel like it's justified considering your husband's affair with HIS ex. However... deep inside you know what you're thinking about doing is vengeful, getting even. Your ex cheated on you. You know what he is capable of.

 

What person plans on cheating? Unless they are true scum, most of the times it evolves just as you have described. Two people begin to talk about their personal problems with each other. Begin to share things and spend alot of time together. Mistake that for true feelings for each other when they're just angry, or lonely, insecure, or sex starved or whatever. They bestow all kinds of lofty qualities on their affair partner. Qualities which they know in their hearts they do not possess.

 

Maybe you have not worked through what happened with your H's ex? Could it be you've made a choice to go on with your lives without exploring it, and so you two have not healed from it? Is it in fact the proverbial invisible elephant in the room that you pretend not to see? Maybe you don't MIND spending alot of time apart because you don't have to deal with it all.

 

Have you considered whether you're considering an "exit affair" - a way out of your marriage because you know this would be the last straw? This is not that uncommon. People sometimes end their marriages this way subconsciously.

[norajane]

If you really think you and this other man might have something together, then DO NOTHING. Make a decision to get out of your marriage and end it before starting something with this other man. It's not fair to him to drag him into your marital problems, nor is it fair to his son to set yourself up in his life as "Aunt Shelly" while you cheat on your husband.

 

IF you have something with this man, you need to start off on the right foot - by ending your marriage and clearing your head of the divorce fallout. Otherwise, it will be so hard on all of you, so hard that you are likely to destroy everyone in the process, including yourself.

 

If you aren't sure of what's what with your husband, you need to figure that out before getting involved with someone else. Either end your marriage, or work on it, but involving a third person - AS YOU VERY WELL KNOW - helps nobody.

[GreenEyedLady]

You need to stay away from the ex, you KNOW what the pain is like when someone you love cheats on you. If you are lonely, get some women friends, spend time with your family, kids, mom/dad, sister etc...Involving another man into your life when you feel neglected is just asking for trouble and even more so as you're attracted to your ex. HE is your ex for a reason and the feelings you have for him are purely based on needs that your H isn't meeting right now. Keep it in perspective!

 

You and your H need to MAKE time together. Yes, it's wonderful he is a great brother to his sister, but she has to let someone else help her. Her new boyfriend...Your H cannot be at HER beck and call 24/7 because you and your kids suffer for it. Tell him that you're lonely and you're seeking attention from another man. I'm sure if he KNEW that you were thinking of the OM (the ex) more and more, your H would make a bigger effort.

 

Also, you two need marriage counselling.

 

I agree with everything here...

 

The only thing I disagree with is that she needs to help HERSELF...He's enabling her dependency by not letting her do it on her own...

 

And this is coming from a single parent, so I know EXACTLY how hard it is...

[4whatItsWorth]

I have a question - how come you didn't tolerate infidelity once, but you did it with your husband? Perhaps you should sit down and rethink why your husband "got by" with it, when your boyfriend didn't? Probably because your husband meant even more to you, or was a "better" person than your ex?

 

People CAN change. But they don't always do, and cheaters can cheat again. No matter which guy you think you'd be happier with - both have cheated on you. Who can you trust the most not to break your heart again?

[ohmy3]

Wow i do feel for you on the part of feeling alone and it being so easy for your hubby to supply so much help or times to others that he feels he should help.......... then again he did marry you (not his sis) & you should come ST & if all the Free time he has he's suppling to others w/ needs so much that there nothing left to give you then i kinda think maybe you not as "Important"........... have you made it clear how you feel w/ out it seeming as a nd attack on him so he don' take it worng?

 

also the X bad news , it's just the excitement of the trill right now ++ the "HIGH" your getting from all the attention undivided you really seeking from your hubby & were well long before the X reappeared.................

 

these kinda feeling you have for the X are clouding your judgment, remove from all that ASAP before you Cross the point of no return........

 

although i will also say less than impressed he cheated and w/ and X there was emotions involved in that deal so not good (are you sure) all the times he HELPING his sis aint a cover up? just wondered? seems odd he knows your w/him so much and don't care.............