Trialbyfire Posted August 19, 2007 Share Posted August 19, 2007 Ok so you are still missing the point. He dealt with a problem by going silent and ignoring her. He didnt nag and scream he just chose to ignore her. She shouted Do you get it now? Lishy, I don't think you understand what people are saying. They are saying that it's not okay to display bad behaviour from either party. You have control over yourself. You can stop yourself from yelling, screaming or damaging property. You have to own up to your own bad behaviour instead of saying it's the other person's fault that you displayed bad behaviour. (All references to "you" and "your" are generic terms.) You're a mother. If your child throws a tantrum, do you yell, scream or spank them, or do you display adult behaviour by telling them that when they are willing to behave, you will stop ignoring them? This is how to use passive-aggressive behaviour in a good way, as long as it's not consistent, because you explain yourself. When you continuously use it, it's a freaky control thing. Since in a love/relationship situation, people are adults, they can also choose to accept this type of freaky controlling behaviour by either reacting to it by yelling and screaming or simply walking away, sometimes permanently if the other person doesn't stop their controlling behaviour. Link to post Share on other sites
corazoncito Posted August 19, 2007 Share Posted August 19, 2007 I don't think that the demise of this relationship is purey Green Cove's fault. There were two people who had a lot of communication issues. Her ex didn't handle things very well either. The main reason I've been focusing on her behavior is because she is the one posting here and she asked for feedback on the choices she made. I also believe that a person can exhibit abusive behavior without necessarily being an abuser. It's a slippery slope that's easily crossed, however. Both of them were satisfying their needs (to communicate, to shut off) with little concern about how the other felt. That's not healthy on either side. I very much understand the desire to scream at someone who frustrates the hell out of you time and time again. I think where we differ though is that I don't believe that because someone is trying to push my button, I can forfeit responsible for my (re)actions. I can buy that argument if it happens a few times. Sure, we're only human. We are emotional people. But once I become aware that I am consistently acting in a way that not only disturbs the other person, but also myself, then I believe I have the responsibility to find a better way to deal with the situation. If the other person simply refuses to communicate with me, then I think it's time to move on. Link to post Share on other sites
tinke Posted August 19, 2007 Share Posted August 19, 2007 i, too, was with someone who did not communicate. when he had enough of "the problem" he left the relationship, over and over...still never communicating. it is very frustrating to say the least, because there was not the opportunity to correct the wrong...one has to know what the problem is. i am most confident in believing this style of non-communication stemmed long before i met him, and he will continue on the same. he does not recognize how damaging this is. running is easier! yelling and screaming does have ill effects, along with long periods of silence. i was not a screamer, instead, i began to withdraw equally..also, damaging. greencove...don't blame yourself, the truth be known, he may have found many of "his own" reasons for leaving. you did what you knew to get his attention at the time. in the future, we all can make adjustments in our behavior. but do ask yourself...do you see his communication style magically changing? i would guess not, particularly if he is not bothered by it. i know you have mentioned you are still in shock, (believe me, i know), but please don't torment yourself by re-living what you should have done. what you can do NOW, in the present is begin to accept. easy to say, huh? i know you have mentioned writing to him in the past, maybe that would give you the peace you are seeking for.. some answers or closure. i am only trying to give you an objective view, since i've followed your threads. seems like (most of us), you are stuck. is the fear of his rejection any worse than where you are now? perhaps it would give you some guidance. either way, we're here for you. take care..be kind to yourself! Link to post Share on other sites
Lishy Posted August 19, 2007 Share Posted August 19, 2007 Lishy, I don't think you understand what people are saying. They are saying that it's not okay to display bad behaviour from either party. You have control over yourself. You can stop yourself from yelling, screaming or damaging property. You have to own up to your own bad behaviour instead of saying it's the other person's fault that you displayed bad behaviour. (All references to "you" and "your" are generic terms.) . I do understand that it is NEVER ok to abuse someone. But I also understand that the OP was not being outright abusive, she did what she did out of frustration. It's easy to tell someone to walk away, but when you love someone it makes it hard. I was not condoning shouting and yelling, I was simply stating that she was not 100% at fault and that he contributed to the break down of the realtionship with his silence and inability to discuss problems. She is beating herself up over this and I do not think she should. She will learn from this and hopefully her next relationship will be better! Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted August 19, 2007 Share Posted August 19, 2007 I do understand that it is NEVER ok to abuse someone. But I also understand that the OP was not being outright abusive, she did what she did out of frustration. It's easy to tell someone to walk away, but when you love someone it makes it hard. I was not condoning shouting and yelling, I was simply stating that she was not 100% at fault and that he contributed to the break down of the realtionship with his silence and inability to discuss problems. She is beating herself up over this and I do not think she should. She will learn from this and hopefully her next relationship will be better! Okay, I understand where you're coming from. I agree there's no use beating herself up about it but she does need to learn from this. Hopefully she will get an understanding about passive-aggressive behaviours and learn how not to react to them and run like the wind, when next she meets another one like that. Oil and water personality types. While I'm certain there was a strong element of love in this relationship, there was also a strong element of codependent abusive behaviours. Link to post Share on other sites
SoHotZanzibar Posted August 19, 2007 Share Posted August 19, 2007 Shouting is not always a bad thing. It is human. Like laughing or any other emotion, it has its place (You shouldnt laugh at a funeral, for instance). I like to yell just to let it all out, but not take it out on someone. Link to post Share on other sites
Hurt & Alone Posted August 19, 2007 Share Posted August 19, 2007 GC, I was once with a man that split because he said that I dont get angry with him or yell at him and to him this kind of relationship was not normal to him. He needed to have confrontation. I stated to him that I carefully pick and choose my battle because some are just not worth it. So I guess what I am saying is that it depends on the indivudual person. I believe in a relationship arguments do occur, but every disagreement should not turn out to be a shouting match. you have to pick and choose carefully which one is worth arguing about. Link to post Share on other sites
Lishy Posted August 19, 2007 Share Posted August 19, 2007 Being yelled at is awful, especially when it involves name calling and aggression. I have been at the recieving end of that! The OP shouted out of frustration. We have ALL done that at some time in our lives I am sure! Passive agressiveness is awful! My new BF can be a bit like that at times. He says that when he gets annoyed by something I do he walks away, rather that discuss it, so that he can calm down and not say something he regrets. I have been on both ends and I would take the silence over the shouting and name calling any day! Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted August 19, 2007 Share Posted August 19, 2007 I would NEVER EVER put up with someone who yells at me or who abuse me in any way... I have never been with an abuser and never will. Yelling and screaming... OMG I can't even stand that on TV, I have to switch channel... it's my biggest pet peeve... So definitely a deal breaker for me.. I guess the biggest deal breaker... Link to post Share on other sites
Lishy Posted August 19, 2007 Share Posted August 19, 2007 Lizzie, how would you react to a guy who went silent and ignored you for days when he was upset? Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted August 19, 2007 Share Posted August 19, 2007 Lizzie, how would you react to a guy who went silent and ignored you for days when he was upset? I had that before... and to be honest I rather have a guy who goes silent than one who yells at me. I just can't stand screaming and yelling... I don't know what it is but it just drives me completely nuts... Link to post Share on other sites
Kengne Posted August 19, 2007 Share Posted August 19, 2007 Woggle mentioned a good point here. Most men do not respond well to emotionality (eg crying) yelling, shouting and cursing in a woman. They will shut down. When they shut down, they literally cannot hear you. This is their nature. I don't know if GC's bf shutdown immediately as soon as she wanted to discuss something, or if it got progressively worse as her tone n volume got higher and higher. Just stating what I've learned in my precious lil lifetime. I used to be with a man who was a yeller and curser when he got mad. It was horrible. And only once have I ever lost it and yelled at the current bf but when he asked me to stop yelling/cursing I immed did because I realized I was doin what I hated my ex did to me! And yunno what - as soon as I calmed down he stopped stonewalling and he was MORE than willing to talk. So GC moving forward, all you can do is control YOUR own behaviour and try to keep your emotions more in check. You can't draw bees to you with vinegar. K. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted August 19, 2007 Share Posted August 19, 2007 They will shut down. When they shut down, they literally cannot hear you. This is their nature. No, it is not their nature. It is a form of control. You excuse them when you state it is in their nature, so they don't need to bother trying. "If it's an inherent trait, I don't need to do anything about it." Link to post Share on other sites
Pilgrim Posted August 20, 2007 Share Posted August 20, 2007 To give you an additional male perspective.... Handling conflict is tricky business. Bottling it up, being apathetic or giving someone the hairdryer treatment are all how not to do it - all of them do damage - but all of these seem to come easier than working it through! I guess even when we're trying hard, most of us only deal with conflict the right way some of the time. It kind of depends what we are trying to achieve. If it is to feel better for now, we will do one thing. if we want to achieve change, then it needs to be something different. I'm working hard at the whole "owning your own feelings and not snapping or accusing thing" but even now as I write my W has gone off in a huff after an argument about nothing - an aggressive tone from her about a small thing, that I protested about strenuously! And it's the night before our week long holiday together. I find I'm more ok with issues that are a problem. I tend to react rather than respond when it is an agitated tone of voice. If you're a yeller, it would take a special strength of character to come back and be honest to you about how the way you're dealing with conflict is making the guy feel, with a chance of a calm but open exchange of views about it. Perhaps worth thinking about how you create a "safe place" for that kind of thing in your relationships? Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted August 20, 2007 Share Posted August 20, 2007 No, it is not their nature. It is a form of control. You excuse them when you state it is in their nature, so they don't need to bother trying. "If it's an inherent trait, I don't need to do anything about it." Women have a lot of annoying traits that men put up with so why can't women put up with out quirks? Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted August 20, 2007 Share Posted August 20, 2007 Women have a lot of annoying traits that men put up with so why can't women put up with out quirks? One of the million women have to put up with? Link to post Share on other sites
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