My Wife found out about me

September 4, 2007

MattyM, Get thee to a therapist. Right now.

You clearly have a desperate need to be needed. You've had it all along, but it is time to find out why and perform an exorcism on it if possible. I've read all your posts and I think part of you loves all this drama, passion,love and desparate longing. You like the feeling that your wife is willing to put up with all this s*** for you. You badly need to keep hearing from the OW so you can hear how hurt she is to be without you. You love feeling fought over by two women. You my man, are a neediness-crack addict and you are hurting other people with your addiction.

You also have an aversion to harmony. Happy family life just a little too boring for you? That seems clear. You want it. Maybe because you really do and maybe because you think you are supposed to. Part of the role of grown up man. A role you are not fully ready to play. Not without help.

Physically you are a man. 37 years old. Definitely too old to be chasing excitement all the time. After a certain age, it really looks sad and pathetic. But I don't think you can get there on your own and your wife has some of her own demons to deal with. My guess is that she has always felt undeserving of you and the nice life you have. You cheating on her just fulfilled the expectation of rejection she had all along and her belief in her own unworthiness. Something that no doubt made you feel better about yourself.

You both need help, together and alone. Don't keep d**king around and putting it off. You have said you are going to do it -- so do it. Or does the sadness and longing feel too good? So fine, you like to listen to sad songs on the radio and suffer. But really try to think of your wife. Not as a reflection of you, but as an individual - a person of value who tried to give you a good life. Can you deserve it?

Go to therapy for her and your children. I have read about so many men that repeated the behaviors of their fathers. Don't keep passing your mess along to any other helpless bystanders - wife, OW, children. They don't need to carry your baggage for you. Time to start doing that yourself, as follows:

o Let the OW go. You say you care for her. Prove it. Let her go so she can find a single man who is free to give her a life. If you want to help her, keep your d**k in your pants and pay for her to go into therapy too. That should help to alleviate some of your guilt.

o Focus on what your wife needs. You will talk about this everynight for a long time to come. For us it was maybe 8 months and then weekly. We all make mistakes. The measure of a man is how he works to mend the damage.

o Spend time with your children. You say your wife does most of the work with them. Pick some of the childcare chores and take them on as your own. It will make you feel more connected to your children and show your wife your commitment to change. And maybe it will give you insights into what is really important and how good being a good man can feel.

o Got to a therapist no less than weekly. You will find out more than you ever imagined about yourself and there is a better world out there after. I promise you.

Don't keep crying in your beer. Take some action. Rant over.

September 4, 2007

MattyM, Get thee to a therapist. Right now.

You clearly have a desperate need to be needed. You've had it all along, but it is time to find out why and perform an exorcism on it if possible. I've read all your posts and I think part of you loves all this drama, passion,love and desparate longing. You like the feeling that your wife is willing to put up with all this s*** for you. You badly need to keep hearing from the OW so you can hear how hurt she is to be without you. You love feeling fought over by two women. You my man, are a neediness-crack addict and you are hurting other people with your addiction.

You also have an aversion to harmony. Happy family life just a little too boring for you? That seems clear. You want it. Maybe because you really do and maybe because you think you are supposed to. Part of the role of grown up man. A role you are not fully ready to play. Not without help.

Physically you are a man. 37 years old. Definitely too old to be chasing excitement all the time. After a certain age, it really looks sad and pathetic. But I don't think you can get there on your own and your wife has some of her own demons to deal with. My guess is that she has always felt undeserving of you and the nice life you have. You cheating on her just fulfilled the expectation of rejection she had all along and her belief in her own unworthiness. Something that no doubt made you feel better about yourself.

You both need help, together and alone. Don't keep d**king around and putting it off. You have said you are going to do it -- so do it. Or does the sadness and longing feel too good? So fine, you like to listen to sad songs on the radio and suffer. But really try to think of your wife. Not as a reflection of you, but as an individual - a person of value who tried to give you a good life. Can you deserve it?

Go to therapy for her and your children. I have read about so many men that repeated the behaviors of their fathers. Don't keep passing your mess along to any other helpless bystanders - wife, OW, children. They don't need to carry your baggage for you. Time to start doing that yourself, as follows:

o Let the OW go. You say you care for her. Prove it. Let her go so she can find a single man who is free to give her a life. If you want to help her, keep your d**k in your pants and pay for her to go into therapy too. That should help to alleviate some of your guilt.

o Focus on what your wife needs. You will talk about this everynight for a long time to come. For us it was maybe 8 months and then weekly. We all make mistakes. The measure of a man is how he works to mend the damage.

o Spend time with your children. You say your wife does most of the work with them. Pick some of the childcare chores and take them on as your own. It will make you feel more connected to your children and show your wife your commitment to change. And maybe it will give you insights into what is really important and how good being a good man can feel.

o Got to a therapist no less than weekly. You will find out more than you ever imagined about yourself and there is a better world out there after. I promise you.

Don't keep crying in your beer. Take some action. Rant over.

Odd as it may sound, i do appreciate what you've said. All except the bit about being too old ;)

I am the perpetrator of this, but I'm also hurting. I developed feelings for this other person, and as LJ14 said, I feel like I'm withdrawing. Not talking to her is very difficult. In an other situation my W would have been my sanctuary. Obviously that doesn't apply here

I do thank you for your comments though. Just wish we could talk something else over dinner now though!

September 4, 2007

Have just read 50-60% of marriages have infidelity in them

I'm, not proud of myself, but reading that I'm in a majority.

September 4, 2007

Have just read 50-60% of marriages have infidelity in them

I'm, not proud of myself, but reading that I'm in a majority.

Wow, that's an attitude.

September 4, 2007

Wow, that's an attitude.

I wasn't bragging, just stating what I'd read. perhaps I'm not alone in not knowing how to hold everything together

September 4, 2007

I wasn't bragging, just stating what I'd read. perhaps I'm not alone in not knowing how to hold everything together

You're becoming defensive because some of those comments (the truth) hurt somewhat. Let's be honest, almost none of us like to be criticized. For your information, stats also show that huge percentage of adults (not sure what it was...40 or 60%) have or will have herpes, but does that make it fine to have it?

Like I stated before, I think you're doing fine so far with no contact, but one can't help but wonder how long you can keep up with it when you spent time and energy thinking about her instead of thinking about your wife's feelings and how exactly you will act or what you will say if you see her again due to her effort to seek you out, such at your work place. Matt, you still have not answer the question about protection and STD testing.

September 4, 2007

I wasn't bragging, just stating what I'd read. perhaps I'm not alone in not knowing how to hold everything together

No, you're not alone Matt. I know its difficult to hear some of the things that posters are saying, but there is a reason for it, and most have the experience and perspective to back it up

September 4, 2007

She called 40 mins ago - I know it was her. No msg left, and I didn't answer

Christ this is tough

There is a forum here on LS specific to OW and OM. I wonder if you would get some helpful feedback on how to finally break it off with your OW by posting there? You might also get some feedback as to how she's feeling and why she's doing what she does...

Mr. Lucky

September 4, 2007

Odd as it may sound, i do appreciate what you've said. All except the bit about being too old ;)

I am the perpetrator of this, but I'm also hurting. I developed feelings for this other person, and as LJ14 said, I feel like I'm withdrawing. Not talking to her is very difficult. In an other situation my W would have been my sanctuary. Obviously that doesn't apply here

I do thank you for your comments though. Just wish we could talk something else over dinner now though!

You wish you could talk about something else???? I'm sure your wife wishes she could think about something else. Something other than how the person she loves and trusted could hurt her this way and wondering how much sexier he finds the OW. Boy, you are really a piece of work. It is all about you isn't it?

My H was hurting too. But he cut off non-work contact with the OW, immediately changed his cell phone number, came home from work early everynight and subjected himself to talking as much as I needed to without complaint. Because he was genuinely SORRY for hurting me. Not sorry he got caught.

What he found, is that after about 3 or 4 weeks the addiction was broken - just like MarriageBuilders said it would. He still felt guilt, was hurting, ashamed and felt bad for hurting the OW. Hard to take. But I took it because he was doing all he could to rebuild my trust and our relationship.

I'm not sure you should stay married. I'm not sure you are the right person for your. But you should go into counselling anyway to help resolve the ambivalence and point the right way. Continuing to stay with your wife while checking your cell phone for text msgs from the OW will get you no where. Why haven't you changed your number already?

It has been said to you dozens of times in this thread - stop all contact with the OW. Do it for at least a month and if you don't feel different, you will have even more to talk about in therapy. But if you do feel different, that should help you to move forward in a more honest way.

I understand addiction and I understand how you are feeling. But if you are ever going to earn the respect of your wife and children -- and yourself -- you need to make an honest effort to sever contact and work on your marriage. Maybe it can't be saved. But you will never know unless you really try - not the half trying you have been doing.

September 5, 2007

There is a forum here on LS specific to OW and OM. I wonder if you would get some helpful feedback on how to finally break it off with your OW by posting there? You might also get some feedback as to how she's feeling and why she's doing what she does...

Mr. Lucky

It doesn't matter where he post here on LS, he still will get the same feedback as it is on here. The people who's giving him an advice here are OW, MM, and BS so even if he post there same people will give him advice.

If he really love his wife enough he would do everything to show his wife how much he regret what he did. But i guess he is blinded by the excitement of being with OW, who wouldn't want that. Anyway i still think that he should leave his W for the sake of everybody, Look if he is with his OW, his wife can move on and find someone who deserve her, the kids wouldn't get hurt by the tension in their home. The OW will be happy and he will still be miserable. If he is at home with his wife, OW is hurt, Wife still feel the gut feeling that her husband is doing something behind her back, the kids are miserable, (daddy and mommy are aloof to each other), Matt is still torn.

September 5, 2007

Matt - you are being strong and I want to commend you for staying focused especially given you still feel in love with the OW, that is something very hard to do to stay so focused on what you need to do that you manage to fight your voices that would want to tell you to act otherwise. I really do empathise with you, call it craziness call it love you are still fueled with emotions for this OW and you are doing your best to overcome that, and it cannot go unnoticed.

I think you are doing well and that shows promise. There is no point in harping on if you will screw up next, if you get past the wort part there is no reason why you WILL screw up again.

I think what you are doing takes a tremendous amount of strength, let's face it you feel inlove with someone else but are trying your best to do the right thing and are sacrificing your own feelings for it and you are doing ok. Keep it up it will get easier in time, you need to break the habit and with time it will be much better, things will make sense eventually.

You are aware enough that you need to break the pattern and that's gold.

September 5, 2007

And since you like statistics, here are a few for you to consider:

o If a man is going to leave his wife for his affair partner, it most likely happens in the first three months of the affair. The percentage who leave after three months is less than 1 percent.

o Only about 3 percent of affairs result in marriage between the affair partners. Of those, over 72% fail.

This second stat is likely because of the facts that many, many posters have told you. Once the initial heat and thrill of the illicit sex wears off, you are dealing with house, kid and life stuff - just like with your wife. Everyone suffers some disillusionment after the honeymoon period of their marriage. Imagine the distance you fall after the high of an affair.

You claim to feel bad about the OW, so why do you keep contacting her? Do you really think that is helping her? Be honest with her. Yeah, I think she is very immature and manipulative, but all the more reason to be clear as possible in your words and your actions. Don't keep giving her reason to feel you care and that there might be hope. If you like, write her a long goodbye letter, but don't tell her how much she means to you and how much you will miss her. A woman hears hope in those words. Let her move on. You will have to do without the ego boost of hearing how much she wants you.

You claim to feel bad for hurting your wife. But as the days have gone on all I hear is how tiresome you feel her grieving has become. You sound much sorrier for yourself and how hard it is to be without the OW. To be honest, it doesn't really sound like you love your wife. Maybe the idea of her, but not the actual person. You say the words, but they seem rather hollow.

Time alone will not ease her wounds or help you figure out why you keep doing the things you do.

September 5, 2007

You claim to feel bad about the OW, so why do you keep contacting her? Do you really think that is helping her? Be honest with her. Yeah, I think she is very immature and manipulative, but all the more reason to be clear as possible in your words and your actions. Don't keep giving her reason to feel you care and that there might be hope. If you like, write her a long goodbye letter, but don't tell her how much she means to you and how much you will miss her. A woman hears hope in those words. Let her move on. You will have to do without the ego boost of hearing how much she wants you.

You claim to feel bad for hurting your wife. But as the days have gone on all I hear is how tiresome you feel her grieving has become. You sound much sorrier for yourself and how hard it is to be without the OW. To be honest, it doesn't really sound like you love your wife. Maybe the idea of her, but not the actual person. You say the words, but they seem rather hollow.

Time alone will not ease her wounds or help you figure out why you keep doing the things you do.

He has stopped contacting the OW. Let's cut him some slack shall we it's been just over two weeks since it all went down? It's wrong that he is still thinking of the OW but it's the reality of Matt's situation harping on how wrong it is not going to make him feel otherwise it has to happen on it's own for him. We may see a lot of things from the outside but this post is about Matt not his W, not the OW. If what he feels is what he says he feels right now, I say we work with that rather than try to force him to feel something he doesn't. The important thing is that he is doing things right. He is not contacting the OW and he is trying to focus on the situation which all a step in the right direction.

It's not going to magically go away, we should try to encourage him rather than discourage...no?

JMO

September 5, 2007

Actually, you may be surprised to hear that part of why I am hitting him so strong about the OW is because of what I know you went through. My impression was that your MM was also torn. That is why he lied and told you he was separated. Then kept calling you. I know how much pain this all caused you and it seems to me that all the dragging it out was because of what he wanted, not what was best for you.

I'm sorry, I think Matty needs a smack upside the head. It has been only a few short weeks and time will tell.

You say his posts are for him, not the W and OW. True I suppose. But I don't think it does him any favors to encourage a way of thinking that doesn't put the W and OW ahead of his own desires. He created a mess that hurt two people. He owes it to them to try and clean the mess up as best he can. Ultimately, they will feel better and he will be able to feel better if he does that.

September 5, 2007

Matt still have desire to contact OW, he will as soon as the tension in his home cool down. The best way in this situation is his wife will WAKE UP and be strong enough to leave him along with their kids.

September 5, 2007

Actually, you may be surprised to hear that part of why I am hitting him so strong about the OW is because of what I know you went through. My impression was that your MM was also torn. That is why he lied and told you he was separated. Then kept calling you. I know how much pain this all caused you and it seems to me that all the dragging it out was because of what he wanted, not what was best for you.

I'm sorry, I think Matty needs a smack upside the head. It has been only a few short weeks and time will tell.

You say his posts are for him, not the W and OW. True I suppose. But I don't think it does him any favors to encourage a way of thinking that doesn't put the W and OW ahead of his own desires. He created a mess that hurt two people. He owes it to them to try and clean the mess up as best he can. Ultimately, they will feel better and he will be able to feel better if he does that.

Thanks Smartgirl, I see that too trust me. My pain speaks hear too.

He reminds me alot of my ex. However he is not my ex an I am nothing like his OW, but he seems to be honest in wanting to stay away from the OW and I think that should be encouraged, he is playing with a lot of voices inside that are telling him do this do that...and yet he still manages to fight them to do what is right for him for what he truly wants, my ex was not that strong, he was far too selfish to see the harm he was doing to me, AND to his W so I woke up to his ways and helped myself. Once I got out of the funk I had the strength to put my foot down and see things for what they were. I don't how Matt's OW is reacting and she seems to be still trying to get in touch..again we don't really know what is going on but yes I agree the pain for all can be dragged out for ages.

Unfortunately and this may not be what people want to hear but he does sound torn, as crazy as it may be and even though he barely knows this OW he is torn. But the fact remains he is, if he is being honest to us and most importantly to himself, and of course his W, then he is doing things one step at a time. Clarity will come to him in time, I still think it's too soon for him to post what we all want to hear. That can't go unoticed. If he is that torn it takes super human strenght to cut the cord on all the things he is yearning for, feelings wise with this OW. And as long as he keeps fighting it that's far more commendable than those who give in to their voices and keep acting selfishly, case in point someone like my ex.

He really has no support other than what we can offer here because he can't get his W to support him on fighting his urges, it is not her role in all this since she has enough on her plate to deal with. That's more what I meant by this is about him more than anyone else, I feel he needs the support even if he is not where he should be yet.

I think encouraging MAtt to stay on track despite what he feels, is helping everyone really. His W unfortunately won't get all of him until he can move past this OW with all his being, but it has to start somewhere and it seems he is at least for the time being on the right track. Hope that makes sense..

September 5, 2007

Matt still have desire to contact OW, he will as soon as the tension in his home cool down. The best way in this situation is his wife will WAKE UP and be strong enough to leave him along with their kids.

You know something, and I know I will get hounded for this, but that could just be the best thing that could happen to him. I personally think cheaters learn from having their world taken away from them, it kicks things back into reality very quickly, but again that is justy my POV.

But short of it having to resort to that last desperate move, if he stays on track it can be done in a way that is less harsh.

He is in the midst of feeling all the things he is feeling, in time those feelings will die down and he should be able to focus more clearly on what really matters to him. If not then time will tell if a decision needs to be taken.

Heck I dunnow, I try to empathise with other's situation but the reality is that me in the W's shoes would have kicked him out by now so how much could I possibly know about how to act otherwise...

If the bet is that he will do it again and there is no hope for him to stay on track simply because of what he is telling us here so far, then really my theory on why cheaters shouldn't be forgiven is not that far off. I guess I just want to be proven wrong....

We all learn from other's experiences.

September 5, 2007

He created a mess that hurt two people. He owes it to them to try and clean the mess up as best he can. Ultimately, they will feel better and he will be able to feel better if he does that.

Well, he didn't create the mess by himself. The OW had something to do with it as well, she isn't an innocent victim here...

He is DONE with the OW, she keeps calling and he has not picked up the phone. He needs to keep on doing that and focus on recovery with his wife.

September 5, 2007

Yes, I know, I know. Believe me, if I could put my H's OW through a sausage grinder I would do it. But Matty tells her it's over and then called her and went over for sex. That was his butt in the car driving there and I don't think her foot was anywhere near the gas pedal. That was him not wanting to stay away even though he had told her and his W that he would.

From this point on, I don't care how many times the OW calls, if they hook up again it is squarely and 100% on him.

September 5, 2007

He is DONE with the OW, she keeps calling and he has not picked up the phone. He needs to keep on doing that and focus on recovery with his wife.

He's not really done, is he? He hasn't done much to be DONE. He has a few more steps he could take RIGHT NOW that he isn't taking, nor has he even addressed.

1. Change his cell phone number.

2. Get an STD test.

3. Research and schedule an appointment with a therapist to help him deal with his underlying issues that caused him to need so much attention and flattery from a third party.

4. Research and schedule an appointment with a marriage counselor so he and his wife can begin the process of sorting through their marital issues and begin rebuilding their marriage, if possible.

5. Give his wife his passwords to his email, credit card, and cell phone accounts, so she can check on his activities if she needs to, and so he knows he is accountable for what he does.

6. Spend more time with his children, while giving his wife some time to herself. This will allow her some air, and will help him feel a part of his family, instead of leaving all the child care to her so that she is stuck in mommy-mode during this very difficult time. The poor woman isn't even talking to her friends and family about this affair so she can protect HIM. What's he doing for her? If he can't get away from work, he can arrange for child care during the day, and send his wife on a trip so SHE can get away from all the reminders at home and get some space to think. Also, if he's solely responsible for the kids for even a week, it might give him a little more sympathy for how his wife has been feeling pigeon-holed as mommy while he's away at work and screwing other women.

7. Plan a vacation or week away with his wife. Give the kids to the grandparents, or take them along, but get out of town for a while to a) get away from the scene of the crime and ALL the reminders of OW, and b) give them time to reconnect as a couple or as a family.

8. Start looking for a new job so he is no longer working in the same place as OW.

September 5, 2007

Well, he didn't create the mess by himself. The OW had something to do with it as well, she isn't an innocent victim here...

.

No actually he did create it by himself, if he had told the OW he had no intentions of ever being with her seriously, that the only reason he was with her was because she filled a void, because she made him feel speical and that she was just the paper cut out that filled that void and she persisted THEN it would have been mutual.

He lead two women on and HE even admits that. He made her think he was going to marry her for god's sake...how much more of a mess can you make?

September 5, 2007

Yes, I know, I know. Believe me, if I could put my H's OW through a sausage grinder I would do it. But Matty tells her it's over and then called her and went over for sex. That was his butt in the car driving there and I don't think her foot was anywhere near the gas pedal. That was him not wanting to stay away even though he had told her and his W that he would.

From this point on, I don't care how many times the OW calls, if they hook up again it is squarely and 100% on him.

100% agree!

September 5, 2007

Those are all excellent suggestions and should all be done.

Matty, we all keep giving some of this same advice and here it all is in one list. I would like to know why you haven't done some of these things, like the cell number especially. Why? You certainly don't owe me personally any explanations, but a lot of people have spent time trying to help you and yet you have been silent on these points. Are you hoping they won't be necessary? Trust me, they are.

September 5, 2007

Hi everyone

Apologies if I sounded a little defensive yesterday, it's just that with some people posting I feel I am taking a beating for all cheating males. I sympathize if someone here has been the betrayed Wife, but it wasn't ME who did that to you..

For the most part though I have found the advice here so helpful, and it is helping me in my thoughts

Situation is at the moment -

There is a very real possibility W will still leave me. She went out with friends last night and discussed it. One of her friends is of the opinion she can never trust me again, and believing anything else is like waiting for Brad Pitt to come knocking on the door.

I can see why her friend would say that, she is her friend after all

W and I spoke again last night. W wants another baby. I told her it's too soon after all this, and forcing the relationship to the next gear won't help us overcome this, we need time, not more things to worry about

W said she loves me and would do anything for me, and feels that she's not good enough for me.

It kills me that she's taking the blame for this. I tried telling her it's not her fault, it's me thinking with what's down there instead of what's up here. I told her 'I'm here with you, not with her'. W tried to kiss me, but somehow it felt wrong, like I was hurting her all over again by being passionate, as my thoughts are still torn. Almost like by kissing my W I was still being unfaithful to her - Does that make sense?

As for OW? Got a msg on my phone ' I have low self-confidence about me and everything, tired now so goign to bed. Hope you're ok, talk soon x'

So for those who think I should be publicly flogged, the sight of 2 women depressed and upset because of me does that quite nicely thank you

I'm not proud of myself

Matt

September 5, 2007

It's not like you're the only cheater here Matt.

The problem is, you seem to be getting a rise out of this twisted stardom between being the desired of these two clearly hurt and confused women, and your popular thread here.

Perhaps it's time to take a break from the women, a break from LS, and sit with yourself in this for a while. My bet is it won't be long after that until you finally go and get the help you need to figure out what's driving this need for continuing the high drama in your life.

How do you think you'll look at yourself in five years after this? What will have been important? What do you think will be looked at as the best decision you made?

This needs to start becoming your springboard for self improvement instead of the cess pool of your illness.

Sign In

My Wife found out about me

Recommended Posts

smartgirl

mattym

mattym

bestadvisor

mattym

bestadvisor

Je Ne Regrette Rien

Mr. Lucky

smartgirl

smoochygirl

Tomcat33

smartgirl

Tomcat33

smartgirl

smoochygirl

Tomcat33

Tomcat33

whichwayisup

smartgirl

norajane

Tomcat33

Tomcat33

smartgirl

mattym

lostboy60645

What's New

My Activity Streams

More...