I need her back...

[Blurple]

"I see us as better friends." I was totally calm and explained that I understand. I had explained that while I am not unhappy being broken up, I desire trying us again. I further told her that I need to step away and focus on my life and finding someone who I can spend my life with. She said she has loved having me in her life and want me to stay in her life as a friend. I explained that while I do enjoy being in her life, it's not fair to either or us when I have a desire for more. She asked if I could continue to help her...I said that is not a good idea.

 

It was kinda sad but phase 1 is now complete. I expected the answer I got. Next step...NC.

 

Travis this is great I was always hoping that my situation would come down to this and I could NC with out looking like an A hole... Great... im so excited for you and excited to see whats going to happen. She seems little bit dependant on you... I poll for 4 days and she calls wanting to see you

 

And as for things with me they are going good.... sounds like were on the track to getting back together she spent the night texted me when she was going home that she loved spending the time and loved being spoiled... we also played with the idea of making vacation plans for our annaversary in may

[Travis L]

First off, thank you for the support

 

Secondly, I think my ex is going down in a ball of flames... She hasn't appeared happy since the breakup with me. She has driven drunk several times since the breakup (she used to always say she would never do this). She has a huge dent in her new SUV (she says she's not sure what happened..I think it happened in one of her drunk moments). I stopped by on my way to work to tie up some loose ends and she was drunk and HIGH (something she hasn't done in 10 years) with tears in her eyes. When I tried going NC last time (a week ago), she quit doing her homework because she said "I'm going to fail anyway without you." If she fails the semester, she loses her financial aid (loans are something she depends on to make her bills). She is spending more money than she makes at work and her financial aid and will end up losing her car (she has always relied on me when money was tight[her family isn't financially able to help her]...she would always pay me back). None of her family supported her decision to leave me so when she started dating the douche bag, she stopped visiting with them.

 

It's odd but my life has improved drastically since the breakup...lost weight, got into grad school, learned a TON about relationships, got a new job, buying a new house, my confidence is through the roof...and she is sinking fast.

 

It's so hard for me to watch her hit rock bottom but I know I can't be her savior anymore. She needs to realize what the real world is like without having me by her side... I know it's for the best but it's so hard to just turn my back on her.

 

Anyway, I just wanted to vent...like Gunny says, "Mr. Reality is waiting around the corner to whip that ass..."

[Spinderella]

Hi Travis,

I think you did the best thing. It does sound that she is incredibly dependent on you, and while it may be hard to watch her self destructing, this is the fairest thing for both of you.

She needs to find her own strength, or she will forever feel she is incapable of looking after herself, and feel bad about herself. It might take her a little while to discover that in herself, and perhaps things will initially get harder for her.

For you, would you really be happy with a woman who needed you because she felt weak. Or would you want to be with someone who felt strong, but, wanted you.

You have both been afraid to let go.

Good luck to you.

[Travis L]

For you, would you really be happy with a woman who needed you because she felt weak. Or would you want to be with someone who felt strong, but, wanted you.

 

Great point! I have always been drawn to the fixer-upper...or maybe they have been attracted to me. Either way, I think a part of my self-image is to be the caretaker and fixer. I am seriously exhausted from this... I'm ready to be with someone who doesn't NEED me. Obviously, it will take time for me to be in a place where I can 100% move on (or take her back should she reverse course and finally treat me like I want to be treated.)

 

You have both been afraid to let go.

Good luck to you.

 

Thank you! This break up has not only taught me how I can be better in the future but also that I deserve better. It took stepping back and seeing exactly how she treats me (for the last year she has been distant and not very loving). I went from beating myself up over the stupid little stuff (i.e. asking her to come home after work once in a while instead of going out drinking with her friends) to realizing that she just isn't in the same place relationship-wise as I am. I was one week from proposing to her when she left...thank God that she left when she did.

 

I really hope that she will come back eventually...when she is ready for a relationship with the goal of marriage. I'm only 27 but I'm ready to settle down...just not settle for less that what I want.

[DH27]

Well my situation has taken a turn for the worst. I don't even know what happened. When I talk to her she doesn't really talk back, like texting I get one word responses. Its almost like she's mad at me. Its like I pushed her away somehow, and I don't even know how its possible?

[myhotrod123456789]

Clearly she is interested in someone else. She may be interested in you as well, but not at this point. If she were, she would not push you away. That's a no brainer. You really need to stop analyzing all of her steps. A little bit ago, you talked about how much you were doing your own thing. Focusing on every response that she makes to you will only drive you crazy and keep you from moving forward.

[DH27]

Its just so hard to not think about her though. Cause when I thought things were going well and was making progress, I was the happiest I have been in a good 3 months. So its hard not to worry about it.

[Travis L]

Its just so hard to not think about her though. Cause when I thought things were going well and was making progress, I was the happiest I have been in a good 3 months. So its hard not to worry about it.

 

There is a risk with anything you do but you might want to back off and give her a little space... The less you appear to be pursuing, the better...in my opinion. Maybe she is just having a bad day or two (my ex would shut down during her monthly visitor). Then again, maybe it's like HotRod said...

[DH27]

Yeah tomorrow I'm not gonna contact her at all, maybe not till wednesday either. I don't know because we've got a barndance party my frats having that I invited her to and I need to tell her details about it. So I'll probably tell her teusday. I think that was the problem. I made it seem like I was pursuing her. Oh damn it all...

[myhotrod123456789]

Honestly, a good test would be to let her come to you about details for the party. Let her reach out to you.

[DH27]

I dont know if she would though, it would probably just get to the day and time and something really dumb would happen. I'm just gonna go the whole day tomaro without contacting her, and then at night around 8 ill send her a text explaining whats up and stuff and go from there. On facebook she keeps poking me, I dont know if you guys use facebook, but with the poke feature, we just poke each other back and forth, and I got one today, so I guess she isnt trying to avoid me or anything. I think maybe I just began to crowd her a little too much. I'm gonna lay low for a little while now, only make apearances every now and then.

[myhotrod123456789]

You should do what you want, but I think you are putting too much weight on your everyday actions (e.g. "I was crowding her, so she didn't talk to me"). They really have little bearing on making someone have feelings for someone else. If you want to cause a stir or urgency, you need to do your own thing and go out with other girls. That will show her that you aren't pining after her. She wants to be where things are right now, so you should let her work to get it back.

 

I think you should try to reverse roles for a second. Imagine she invited you to a party of hers. Would you forget about it or let "something really dumb" just let it slip by? Of course not. You would be counting down the seconds or at least looking forward to it. For better or worse, that's where things stand right now. This is not a recipe for a healthy relationship and you are getting the worst side of it. I'm not saying she is doing it on purpose or that she isn't confused, but she wants to be single and you need to let it go. As long as there is this disparity of wanting one another, things will not be balanced between you two.

[Spinderella]

Great point! I have always been drawn to the fixer-upper...or maybe they have been attracted to me. Either way, I think a part of my self-image is to be the caretaker and fixer. I am seriously exhausted from this... I'm ready to be with someone who doesn't NEED me. Obviously, it will take time for me to be in a place where I can 100% move on (or take her back should she reverse course and finally treat me like I want to be treated.)

I think its usually low self esteem. You think someone would only want you because you are doing something for them, helping them. It never truly helps them though, because the more you do, the weaker they feel. In other words, it is not true love. Thats why they say "in order to truly love another, you must first love yourself".

Women will never truly feel loved in this kind of a relationship, and they lose trust in the other person. When people say things like "nice guys finish last" or "I treated her so good but she f***ed me over anyway" or "women only like bad boys".....they usually dont get the real reason for this.

[DH27]

You should do what you want, but I think you are putting too much weight on your everyday actions (e.g. "I was crowding her, so she didn't talk to me"). They really have little bearing on making someone have feelings for someone else. If you want to cause a stir or urgency, you need to do your own thing and go out with other girls. That will show her that you aren't pining after her. She wants to be where things are right now, so you should let her work to get it back.

 

I think you should try to reverse roles for a second. Imagine she invited you to a party of hers. Would you forget about it or let "something really dumb" just let it slip by? Of course not. You would be counting down the seconds or at least looking forward to it. For better or worse, that's where things stand right now. This is not a recipe for a healthy relationship and you are getting the worst side of it. I'm not saying she is doing it on purpose or that she isn't confused, but she wants to be single and you need to let it go. As long as there is this disparity of wanting one another, things will not be balanced between you two.

 

Yeah I need to stop worrying about the day to day, but sunday was really weird how she was acting over the phone. Like she was hinting at a bunch of things that just weren't good. And the conversation ended with me joking around and her replying with "Ok" and that was it. I could post what was said, but i don't think anyone wants to read a text convo haha.

[niceguy27]

Guys and gals...I think the answer to all of our problems is staring us in the face. We need to face up to the fact that "they" have moved on by getting with other people and are acting so out of character (when we knew them). All of us here have made our intentions VERY clear to our ex's. They know deep down how we feel. And they know deep down how they feel. They know what they are doing.

 

If we keep on them their confusion will grow and any chance of making a clear decision is clouded by that. I'm just making a general statement. We are reading way too much into things that normally we would never bat an eye at. But since we have put ourselves out there so much and so far, every little thing seems like a big deal to us...txt's, calls, little comments, etc.

 

I know some of us have done NC for a while (I am JUST starting it finally) but has ANY of us gone 2-3 months straight with NO contact whatsoever?? The occasional "hi how are you" thing is fine but to really honestly go a good period of time away and completely away from them? I think as long as things are ended with a good and respectable goodbye, doors are left open. In the meantime, all of us here have beating ourselves up every day wondering, worrying, thinking, and hoping that if we just say that perfect thing or do the perfect gesture, things will suddenly flip in their mind and they come running back.

 

We know our ex's very well. Maybe too well. We have all spent a considerable amount of time with them and so should know how they handle and react to different situations.

 

My ex...I know now why she has done some things that she normally would not do. She was always controlled (mother) and never on her own (moved in with me after mothers). She found her freedom and wanted to be on her own. That changed the way she perceived me and our r/s and that caused her to start to look elsewhere for whatever it was that missing (her independence). Do I still get angry or upset if something little happens? Yes. I have feelings too.

 

But the overall picture is coming into focus for me. And that is realizing the aforementioned things. Until she starts to come back down what do I do? Pine over her every day and slowly wait it out? No. I live my life in a new way and if she is ready again for another try, Im open to it 100% (considering I am not in another r/s). This time around we BOTH are willing and able to fully open ourselves up to each and guess what? Our r/s would be the best it ever can be because of that. Imagine how good you had it before? Now imagine it getting BETTER in a way you never though possible. The only way to get to that point is to both go our separate ways and if the love was strong enough, it WILL bring us back together.

 

Just ranting, I had a lot of time today at work to think this through. Again, we all need to follow our hearts and trust that the love we had for them is strong enough to endure time, distance, and inner growth.

[Blurple]

Well things have been going well with me and my ex... she calls me everyday day however i think things get to a point where she is fine with us being together partly... I feel she is keeping me close but not as close as i want us to be or should be to have what we used to have..

 

We live about an hour away from each other. When we are together its great.. but when we spent much time apart I feel like she drifts away. She says she likes how things are right now. Today I spoke with her about our realtionship. She said that she is scared of committing to me and that also she might be embarrassed of me.. the reason being is when i broke with with her a year ago she was freaking out about me and stalking me. she doesn't want to look "stupid to her friends and family."

 

 

I then asked her so its over? I also asked her if she would have a problem with me dating other people and she said she would.....

 

So I really dont know what to do. she really knows that i want to get back with her I feel like i shouldn't make it that way and that she should try to come to me. I feel like i have been waiting since july.. I dont want to wait anymore. I feel like its not worth it... I Feel like i am putting my life on pause for her..

 

I told her that "I am not going to make someone a priority in my life that only sees me as an option." she said she wants to be treated as a priority only when she calls me or hangs out.. ohh .... that pisses me off the more I think about it.. I told her your either a priority or ur not...

 

so what do you think I should do?

 

ps im at work and really needed that venting

[niceguy27]

just continue with what you guys have right now. nothing less, nothing more. you have to be able to see what you have right now. be thankful for that. ENJOY THE MOMENT!!

 

Just go with the flow and DO NOT TALK ABOUT THE R/S!! at all! over time maybe but right now not at all! just my .02

 

keep venting. i vented last night when i was a little drunk. helped out a bit too

[Blurple]

just continue with what you guys have right now. nothing less, nothing more. you have to be able to see what you have right now. be thankful for that. ENJOY THE MOMENT!!

 

Just go with the flow and DO NOT TALK ABOUT THE R/S!! at all! over time maybe but right now not at all! just my .02

 

keep venting. i vented last night when i was a little drunk. helped out a bit too

 

She called me back and talked real nice on the phone after I sent her a text message that said this "I dont have a problem with you or what you really want I just dont want to be friends. I want to be dating someone."

 

So she talked about how she wanted me to come up and she her and stay for two days... well looks like shes pulling me back in after I step back... I just feel like Im having to do this every other week. By the holidays im standing my ground with it... im just going to wait until the holidays before I step that far back

[Blurple]

Well since no one has been posting on here in a while because everyone has been going NC!!! I decided to post a update on my situation. My Ex who "I am kinda back together with" she calls everyday and invited me up to see her ;.. I acted like i didnt want to go because she would act like she wanted to hide me in her apt and not want her friends to see me.. this time she said she wanted to work on that and wanted to take me out. this is a good sign.... I think its so hard to tell anymore .. the problem is I dont have a car,,, I need to find a ride up there. Well ill let you guys know how things go if I go up there..

 

DH27 how did the barn dance go at ur frat... itching to see what happens!!

[Travis L]

Hey B, hope all is well with your situation. At least you are somewhere near full commitment.

 

My ship has sunk. The only hope I have is if I leave her...and I can't figure out how to just pull the trigger. Today, we again talked about feelings (her lack of them) and how I need to walk away. She started crying saying I was making her choose between being in a relationship with me or nothing at all. I explained that she was making me choose between being just friends or nothing at all. We are not happy playing this charade.

 

I guess it's just the same old story with me and I can't get the balls to walk. I am sick of this feeling of knowing what I have to do but fearing how I will feel once I do it (I feel empty when i know I can't talk to her...). I don't want to walk away only to come crawling back after a couple of days.

 

Good God Travis...just walk the **** away...

[Blurple]

Hey B, hope all is well with your situation. At least you are somewhere near full commitment.

 

My ship has sunk. The only hope I have is if I leave her...and I can't figure out how to just pull the trigger. Today, we again talked about feelings (her lack of them) and how I need to walk away. She started crying saying I was making her choose between being in a relationship with me or nothing at all. I explained that she was making me choose between being just friends or nothing at all. We are not happy playing this charade.

 

I guess it's just the same old story with me and I can't get the balls to walk. I am sick of this feeling of knowing what I have to do but fearing how I will feel once I do it (I feel empty when i know I can't talk to her...). I don't want to walk away only to come crawling back after a couple of days.

 

Good God Travis...just walk the **** away...

 

 

I went thru that samething with my ex.. I just left.. you know F*** it... she will come back once she misses you... you need her to miss you

[Travis L]

I went thru that samething with my ex.. I just left.. you know F*** it... she will come back once she misses you... you need her to miss you

 

I hear ya man... Thanks...

[alwayshurt]

Travis, I think you just should do it....walk away. No need to tell her what you're trying to do. Your action must be smoth and invisible if you want it to work.

By telling her "either you take this ot nothing" is a form of threat and eventually it will backfire on you.

Once she sees you disappearing off her life she MAY start wandering what is going on and perhaps she will miss you. But if she knows what and why you're doing it, it want do any harm on her because she knows that you have strong feelings for her and she just needs to say a word (the one you want to hear) to get you back. In oder words, she will treat you as door mat at her own convenience. Just keep on playing this game for a while and start backing off on step at the time until you get off the picture completely. I think it would be more productive and it'll work to your favour....assuming that deep down she still has romantic attraction for you.

Hope you well.

[Blurple]

Recent I have been having a bad habbit of bringing up our relationship... however she said she wanted to stop talking to me and i said the same thing... but two minutes later we decided not too. she got really upset when i suggested NC for her. well I think ill just go with the flow for now.. she said she talks to me because she doesnt want to be alone. but i asked her if thats the only sole reason and she said no.... make me feel kinda weird. just because she said she felt stupid for talking to me

[DH27]

The barn dance went great. We both had so much fun. There was drinking there, we had a few but we didn't drink too much. We danced a lot, there was a fire outside where we sat in the rain and just talked about whatever, a lot of reminiscing. While we were out on the fire she heard a slow song come on, it was the first one of the night, and she said that she didn't want this song to go to waist, so she grabbed my hand and we ran up to the barn and danced. The dancing was so great, we held each other so close, and she layed her head on my shoulders often. We went on a hay ride where she layed on me and we cuddled, and on the bus ride home (45 minute ride) she layed down on me and wrapped my arms around her and later told me to hold her closer, and fell asleep.

 

It was great, we both had a blast. She didn't really know anyone but me there, so it was just me and her all night, we had a blast. I feel like I've got a chance at this, but then again I can't help but feel like I'm getting my hopes up. Cause if you remember a couple weeks ago we were at a party at my frat and she kissed me a lot and we cuddled, and then the next day it was like it didn't happen.

 

I just don't want to get my hopes up, but this felt really good. She had me holding her so close, I was in heaven. Yesterday I did something that I have never been able to do before, and thats after a great night like Thursday, the next day I didn't contact her at all. I just went through my day, and she ended up contacting me around midnight wanting to come up to my frat. She did but only for about 30 minutes because one of her friends she came up with wanted to go back to her dorm, so she left with her, but said she would come up tonight.

 

So what are your guys' thoughts/tips?