MuNky Posted August 8, 2007 Posted August 8, 2007 Hey people, I need some perspective from a third party. I posted some stuff earlier (which is now resolved) and if you have read it, you would remember I mentioned an other girl I was interested in. Anyway for those of you who don't know: Near my work is a video store, and one of the clerks there is really cute. So I greeted her when I saw her, after that we made some small talk every time she assisted me, later I started to drop in to say hello without taking out a movie, just for a five minute chat. We were really friendly towards each other. I suggested one day that we should hang out some time so that I don't bother her at work. She was hesitant, but she remarked that I am a nice guy, so she will talk about it later. I have to admit that I did start chatting with her because I was attracted to her for her looks. But that became irrelevant when I realized that she has a great personality and she acts and carry herself gracefully. She is also soft spoken, something that I find very attractive. I mentioned my offer a few days later and told her that we can keep it platonic since I simply enjoy talking to her. She said she was only hesitant because she did see someone else recently and he got obsessive with her when it didn't work out and he wouldn't leave her alone (lets call him A), so she is a lot more careful lately, but we could hang out some time. She then also said that it could not happen the coming weekend because she is going to visit a friend in another city (lets call him B). I said that I hope she will enjoy the weekend with her friend, she said, yes well he is a "friend with benefits". I was a little taken aback, not visibly (I am almost sure about that), but I didn't expect such a 'nice' girl having such relationships. But later, I have to admit, I found that fact a bit titillating. We went to see a movie last week together, it seemed to me that we had a good time. When I took her home she gave me a hug. (Good sign, or rather not negative, according to Squeak in this thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=1279085#post1279085 - see post #2). Now I know some of you would think, that she still thinks of us platonic, but read on. So we chat and IMed each other at night. I felt that we are on good footing. Now through our conversations she told me that B is her high school boyfriend for the last 2 years (she finished high school last year) and that he moved after a job, and he is doing well for himself. She also mentioned that it feels for her that their relationship moved to the back griddle, like their relationship is not a priority anymore for him. She feels that their relationship lost its spark with the distance and because he is focusing on his job so much. She says that she still loves him, and he says the same for her, but its not the same. I mentioned that even though the flamed died down, the sentiment of a two year relationship stays with you. She says that is why she started seeing A, but it was more like a rebound after B moved away. She felt bad that she used A in such a way, but the complication with B convinced her to end it. (She mentioned this in the beginning of us hanging out) But as the days went on she more and more downplayed her relationship with B. She said that she mentioned things to me that in her opinion a girl normally wouldn't mention towards guys. I told her that I am honored that she feels comfortable with me. I suspect that her feelings towards me might be more than platonic. When she laughs at my silly jokes (and I do flirt lightly with her during some of these jokes) it feels that we do have a connection, there is that twinkle in her eyes. Not that I have much experience with girls, but still... B came to visit today for the long-weekend. He should have been here tomorrow, but he came early a few hours ago. She and I had plans to watch a movie together at my place until she found out he would be here early. She said she will come over next week. Now should I maybe make a move (like hold her hand while we watch the movie) or mention that I don't want a platonic relationship anymore? Should I wait for her to take the first step? Should I make an `accidental` move, like placing my hand `accidentally` on hers, and see what is her reaction? A female perspective would be very appreciated. But hey guys, if you feel you can give good advice, please do.
kitty99b Posted August 8, 2007 Posted August 8, 2007 well it doesn't sound like shes is into you. To me it seems she is keeping you "just in case" things don't work out with A or B. you have two options one: move on and find a girl that is worth your time (and feelings). two: try to win her over by not being mr. nice guy anymore. BE less available, don't always call (im)her back, get involved with other girls so she sees that there is competion. BUt honestly sounds like shes is just teasing you. BE careful!!
jcster Posted August 8, 2007 Posted August 8, 2007 Since she's still involved with B, I think you are now the "alternate." If she were to break up with B, or have a fight, she'd come to you for the rebound. I don't think that's where you want to be right now, though. So, you'll either have to be a platonic friend, with the hopes that someday she might be available, or you'll have to try to move up to the first position, and potentially lose a friend.
Author MuNky Posted August 9, 2007 Author Posted August 9, 2007 Thanks guys, I am less smitten now. Thanks for clearing my head. I am going to progress by casually brushing her hand etc. see if her response is negative. I have realized recently (before this situation in my life) that it is pointless to respect the sanctity of the relationship of others, since it is extremely rare that a girl would be single and looking, if she is single then either she is on rebound, or she is taking a break from guys. Either way if she is looking elsewhere or teasing, I don't believe it is malicious, but rather testing the waters because she is not happy with her current situation. I don't mind being the test, since I am getting female attention for myself. If it works- great , if it don't - too bad. Back to my situation - I do enjoy her company, but I I would always be frustrated in knowing that we could be more, or I missed an opportunity. So I am going to take that leap of faith. If it is not what she wants then I would just apologize, and say that I may have read things wrong. I would say that she shouldn't blame me for trying. I would then suggest that I would stay out of her way for a few days (more to nurse my rejection). But we can continue our new friendship. I will tell her that it may be weird for a while, but I will be friend for her. She can be comforted in the fact that I care for her. I would blame my advances on biology, but as two human beings we can still be friends (the basis of a platonic relationship) I think it would be great for her and me to really know where we stand. I do believe though that her relationship with B is currently just a remnant of high school. We all know that life changes after high school. I believe it is only the sentiment that still carries the relationship with B. Now my question to you the objective third party is: Is this chain of thought correct on my part? Should I continue to indulge the the teasing games she (and I maybe too) are playing? Should I wait for more evidence before I continue? Should I let her make the 1st step, since she is a reasoning person and the only one that knows the situation the best is she herself.
oh_what_am_I_doing Posted August 9, 2007 Posted August 9, 2007 I have realized recently (before this situation in my life) that it is pointless to respect the sanctity of the relationship of others Um.... I have to disagree with this one. If a girl is taken, it's pretty slime-ballish to try to slide on in. If someone were to hit on me and they knew I was in a relationship I would be pretty pissed. ... I would blame my advances on biology, but as two human beings we can still be friends (the basis of a platonic relationship) While your advances surely are to do with your raging hormones, I don't think this line will work. If she's already told you she's in love with her ex, then the only reason she's accept moves from you is because you're the next best thing (and that's IF she accepts them). Do you really want that? If I were in her shoes, I wouldn't want to be friends with you after that. I think it would be great for her and me to really know where we stand. I can tell you where you stand- you stand behind her ex. Now my question to you the objective third party is: Is this chain of thought correct on my part? Should I continue to indulge the the teasing games she (and I maybe too) are playing? Should I wait for more evidence before I continue? Should I let her make the 1st step, since she is a reasoning person and the only one that knows the situation the best is she herself. It doesn't sound like she's playing a "teasing game" with you. She's been very upfront about the whole thing. She told you she was visiting her "friend with benefits" and then later came clean that actually it's her high school boyfriend. She was even hesitant to go out with you in the first place. Your best course of action now is to leave her alone. You can't hasten the process of getting over her ex. Like all wounds, it needs time to heal. You're only complicating matters for her, and besides, I think you're going to get hurt in the process.
Author MuNky Posted August 9, 2007 Author Posted August 9, 2007 Um.... I have to disagree with this one. If a girl is taken, it's pretty slime-ballish to try to slide on in. If someone were to hit on me and they knew I was in a relationship I would be pretty pissed. Yes it is slime-ballish, but then I would be single my whole life... (which I've been the last few years since I used the same argument) I only respect the sanctity of a relationship of friends of mine and currently I only know B through a picture I saw of him on MySpace and his name. If she's already told you she's in love with her ex, then the only reason she's accept moves from you is because you're the next best thing That is the thing: I sense she is not in love with him, she is only holding onto the nostalgia of a 2 year relationship. Every time she refers to B she don't call him her boyfriend, and the longer I knew her the more the words she uses to describe him downgrades his relevance for her. She already rebounded once because of this. I just think that she wasn't ready to let go with B that is why A couldn't let go. A got hurt and it got weird. I honestly believe I am stronger than A in that sense. She told me it felt that B moved on after his job and the bigger city 5 hours drive away. They only see each other because of said nostalgia. It honestly feels like there is a non platonic connection between us. And even though the feminist would slap me about now, but I feel it is the guys' job to step up. She was even hesitant to go out with you in the first place. I blame A for that. Like she told me. I suggested the going slow route by not letting expectations happen, in the form of a platonic friendship. That quelled her initial fears. I think the friendship between us changed since we started seeing each other outside the 5-minute-chat-sessions as well. I can tell you where you stand- you stand behind her ex. Well she keeps dropping hints that she wants hang out with me: The watching of the movie at my place was her idea, I just commented I wanted to watch a movie. The cinema going was her idea too. She plans her study sessions (she is currently doing a distance learning course in her spare time) to fit me in somewhere. My suggestion of us hanging out happened in the form of a coffee shop around the corner after her shift. Afterwards the idea of us hanging out together again was hers after I told that I enjoy her company. I only took control when I suggested the movies and times available.
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