A new Theory

[PoshPrincess]

I have tried to convince myself that I was just a piece of a** that would make it easier on me but there was too much said and done that makes me think that for a period of time he truly did love/care about me at that point in time, to consider myself "just icing on the cake" I wish I could believe

 

I do exactly the same. Well, we weren't having sex (only the once in 9 months) so I know he wasn't using me for that. If only he were I could understand but it hurts much more knowing that he DID love me and could throw it all away as soon as the going got tough. Still, shows what kind of a man he is, I guess!

 

And Hurt, for me it's still painful over a year later! It has got easier but I still love him.

[Meaplus3]

I agree with this theory. I think some men do engage in what is deemed to be risky because they know that in their situation they are not running any risk.

 

They know they can get away with it.

 

Let me tell you the one man who cheated on me my whole life, was the man I showed I prob wouldn't care. I did it with out meaning this but it happened. All my other mates, wouldn't think about it and to my knowledge they never even came close. They just knew the damage would be irreparable with me.

 

My ex's W showed him every single sign known to another human being that she would put up with it. And so it happened...

 

 

I agree with this theory. I think some men do engage in what is deemed to be risky because they know that in their situation they are not running any risk.

 

They know they can get away with it.

 

When I look back now on my ea I really see that xmm probably looked at the ea as not risking a thing because it was not a pa and in his mind he did nothing wrong. This is the part that urk's me the most. I often wonder why on earth he tried to get so emotionally close to me when he claimed the state of his marital union was so happy? If he was not looking for the SEX then what the heck was he seeking out in me? He probably just wanted to see what he could get away with and if that's the case than I believe he has a big issue with "honesty" in his Marriage and with out "Honesty" what does he truely have?

[serial muse]

It’s strange, to me, that rather than listen to the actual flesh-and-blood BS who are answering the thread, people would rather form abstract (and rather unflattering) theories about how “all” or “most” BS would take anything from their MM/MW. Yeesh. And then to tell the people who have responded by saying that's not the case that they are therefore the exceptions to the rule...??

 

It makes no sense. But I guess people need to form theories when they're upset, so they can make it hurt less. Never mind that it diminishes other people.

 

These are real, actual people you're all talking about. Not ciphers or abstract characters. Real people, who act very much like you all do. They would do what you would do (and have done). Your motivations are not all that different. Love, pain, hurt, desperation, need, family, want. That's all the theorizing you need to do. We're all two sides of the same coin.

 

The BS is NOT the enemy. Why is this so hard to understand??? She's not the one doing all the lying, or causing all the pain. Why make her into some kind of monster, or worse, some kind of pathetic half-wit???

[Tomcat33]

It’s strange, to me, that rather than listen to the actual flesh-and-blood BS who are answering the thread, people would rather form abstract (and rather unflattering) theories about how “all” or “most” BS would take anything from their MM/MW. Yeesh. And then to tell the people who have responded by saying that's not the case that they are therefore the exceptions to the rule...??

 

It makes no sense. But I guess people need to form theories when they're upset, so they can make it hurt less. Never mind that it diminishes other people.

 

These are real, actual people you're all talking about. Not ciphers or abstract characters. Real people, who act very much like you all do. They would do what you would do (and have done). Your motivations are not all that different. Love, pain, hurt, desperation, need, family, want. That's all the theorizing you need to do. We're all two sides of the same coin.

 

The BS is NOT the enemy. Why is this so hard to understand??? She's not the one doing all the lying, or causing all the pain. Why make her into some kind of monster, or worse, some kind of pathetic half-wit???

 

Sorry didn't realise we could not bounce theories back and forth given that two 2 (count them) women have spoken against that original theory posted!

 

Last I checked this was a free forum whereby people can exchange views freely and without boundaries of thought.

 

So because for two women this did not apply we are supposed to be quiet and accept that as the truth of every single situation out there? We all know our situations we all know what we lived, why don't you just let women post what they feel like posting/discussing if you disagree fine but don't tell people to listen to two posters and accept that as gospel.

Bottom line is you can't even be sure the people who do post on here are discussing their real motives either. So until then I think we can "speculate" as to why things happen as they do.

 

 

Personally speaking when I make my opinions I do so based on what I read and on what I experience. Don't tell me you never read a BS say they stay because "why should I lose everthing?" Look around you'd be surprised what you read outside of this thread. I appreciate the two women who posted here may have not been their case but they HARDLY represent a whole population.

 

Bottom line neither you nor anyone will ever knowwhat motivates people to do things for sure, until then why not let theories happen? That's what life is based on, opinions.

[child_of_isis]

I think most are aware that BS's have enormous strength.

 

Because guess who gets to clean up the mess after d-day? MM is not going to. He is weak. If he were not weak, the A wouldn't have happened in the first place.

 

So BS goes to work. She has to re-learn how to love. How to trust, and yada yada. Sometimes OC's are involved. The M has to be rebuilt. On and on.

 

Personally, I haven't a clue where they get their strength. Myself, I would probably take the easy way out and kick him to the curb.

 

Why make her into some kind of monster, or worse, some kind of pathetic half-wit???

[serial muse]

Sorry didn't realise we could not bounce theories back and forth given that two 2 (count them) women have spoken against that original theory posted!

 

Last I checked this was a free forum whereby people can exchange views freely and without boundaries of thought.

 

So because for two women this did not apply we are supposed to be quiet and accept that as the truth of every single situation out there? We all know our situations we all know what we lived, why don't you just let women post what they feel like posting/discussing if you disagree fine but don't tell people to listen to two posters and accept that as gospel.

Bottom line is you can't even be sure the people who do post on here are discussing their real motives either. So until then I think we can "speculate" as to why things happen as they do.

 

 

Personally speaking when I make my opinions I do so based on what I read and on what I experience. Don't tell me you never read a BS say they stay because "why should I lose everthing?" Look around you'd be surprised what you read outside of this thread. I appreciate the two women who posted here may have not been their case but they HARDLY represent a whole population.

 

Bottom line neither you nor anyone will ever knowwhat motivates people to do things for sure, until then why not let theories happen? That's what life is based on, opinions.

 

 

Oh, please. Far more than two women have expressed objection to this kind of thing in the past. There have been umpteen threads (that ask other OW, rather than the BS herself, oddly) along the theme of "Why does the BS take him back?? What is she, a pathetic wimp? She must be doing it for the money."

 

But anyway. The thought police have been plenty busy on this forum for quite some time now, but I guess it's my turn to get censored for expressing an alternate opinion. Look, Tomcat, I have always expressed my disdain for those who insist on demonizing and categorizing ANYBODY, rather than treating people like human beings. I am not interesting in calling anyone names. My response to this thread is no different. And you know what? I do feel like it's well within my rights to say so. Sorry, but I've as much right as you do to express my opinion. And my opinion is that neither you, nor anyone else, will ever know what motivates people to do things. And that precise point bears emphasizing as a counterpoint to the OP.

 

This is the thing - everyone who talks on here has expressed their opinion, often ad nauseum. I'm not writing for them. I'm not interested in changing anyone's mind who has already decided that they've nothing left to learn or that they don't want to hear something that makes them question themselves.

 

I'm writing for the many, many people who aren't posting but who come here and soak everything up, read voraciously and anxiously, looking for answers, looking for something to make it all make sense, whether they're a BS or an OW. I want to express a counterpoint to an ideology that I find dangerous (because it gives no real answers and helps no one) and, yes, demeaning. That's my right and it's my opinion, and I think it should be said.

 

So to those people I say - please don't believe everything you read on the net. No one here is objective, and everyone wants to create a version of the situation that puts them in the best light. Creating general theories to explain individual stories is all about that. Just because someone says something emphatically or with authority doesn't infuse it with any more truth. I hope people will take such theories with a grain of salt, and even in the midst of their pain and anger, will remember that people are human, not one-dimensional constructs, no matter how much easier and more convenient that is to believe.

[Tomcat33]

Oh, please. Far more than two women have expressed objection to this kind of thing in the past. There have been umpteen threads (that ask other OW, rather than the BS herself, oddly) along the theme of "Why does the BS take him back?? What is she, a pathetic wimp? She must be doing it for the money."

 

But anyway. The thought police have been plenty busy on this forum for quite some time now, but I guess it's my turn to get censored for expressing an alternate opinion. Look, Tomcat, I have always expressed my disdain for those who insist on demonizing and categorizing ANYBODY, rather than treating people like human beings. I am not interesting in calling anyone names. My response to this thread is no different. And you know what? I do feel like it's well within my rights to say so. Sorry, but I've as much right as you do to express my opinion. And my opinion is that neither you, nor anyone else, will ever know what motivates people to do things. And that precise point bears emphasizing as a counterpoint to the OP.

 

This is the thing - everyone who talks on here has expressed their opinion, often ad nauseum. I'm not writing for them. I'm not interested in changing anyone's mind who has already decided that they've nothing left to learn or that they don't want to hear something that makes them question themselves.

 

I'm writing for the many, many people who aren't posting but who come here and soak everything up, read voraciously and anxiously, looking for answers, looking for something to make it all make sense, whether they're a BS or an OW. I want to express a counterpoint to an ideology that I find dangerous (because it gives no real answers and helps no one) and, yes, demeaning. That's my right and it's my opinion, and I think it should be said.

 

So to those people I say - please don't believe everything you read on the net. No one here is objective, and everyone wants to create a version of the situation that puts them in the best light. Creating general theories to explain individual stories is all about that. But take everything here with a grain of salt, and remember that people are human, not one-dimensional constructs, no matter how much easier and more convenient that is to believe.

 

 

Well I was commenting about this thread in paticular because that is the topic I am on, not the umpteenth other threads out there. My comments are for and pertain to this thread.

 

 

Given your last line which I have bolded I should also discredit everything you just posted because afterall I am reading it on the net am I not? Or should it say

"don't believe anything that is posted UNLESS it comes from SerialMuse? LOL

[OpenBook]

No one here is objective, and everyone wants to create a version of the situation that puts them in the best light.

 

I assume "everyone" includes you as well. Right?

 

Just because someone says something emphatically or with authority doesn't infuse it with any more truth. I hope people will take such theories with a grain of salt...

 

OK, I will take YOUR advice with a grain of salt then. Thanks for that Important Safety Tip!

[Hurt & Alone]

SM, Is it that hard to believe that a man or woman could not have feelings for another person and when push comes to shove the easier road to take is the answer? Is it not possible that a M or W stay with the WS because it is too difficult to accept change? Come on. It is one of the many theories out there and each has its own validity depending on the ind's experiance. Each circumstance is different but, with as many affairs that happen the simple solution to this phenomenom can not just be because the person was looking outside the marriage for fun and return home when D-Day arrives just because the other person meant nothing to them.

 

I have not come across many posts when the OM/OW come across negative about what the BS has had to say unless, they had started the negativity to begin with. The OW/OM clearly understand the pain the BS feels, but, we too have our own pain with this type of situation.

[Tomcat33]

SM, Is it that hard to believe that a man or woman could not have feelings for another person and when push comes to shove the easier road to take is the answer? Is it not possible that a M or W stay with the WS because it is too difficult to accept change? Come on. It is one of the many theories out there and each has its own validity depending on the ind's experiance. Each circumstance is different but, with as many affairs that happen the simple solution to this phenomenom can not just be because the person was looking outside the marriage for fun and return home when D-Day arrives just because the other person meant nothing to them.

 

I have not come across many posts when the OM/OW come across negative about what the BS has had to say unless, they had started the negativity to begin with. The OW/OM clearly understand the pain the BS feels, but, we too have our own pain with this type of situation.

 

I totally agree!

 

Furthermore and given what I have seen some people who have been cheated on and vise versa who are not married don't think twice about splitting the hassle is far less.

 

I can accept some people make mistakes and really do stay for love but I don't think it's all the cases, not by a long shot.

[BurriedAlive]

SM, Is it that hard to believe that a man or woman could not have feelings for another person and when push comes to shove the easier road to take is the answer? Is it not possible that a M or W stay with the WS because it is too difficult to accept change? Come on. It is one of the many theories out there and each has its own validity depending on the ind's experiance.

 

Cheers to the easy road! My xMM is sitting on the easy road as we speak. Nothing has changed for him. He still works at my old work, he still lives with W and he is back to running the roads all the time. He has out of town the last two weekends and I see W driving around by herself. Yup, the easy road taken by cowards.

[BurriedAlive]

I can accept some people make mistakes and really do stay for love but I don't think it's all the cases, not by a long shot.

 

I couldn't FATHOM cheating on someone I loved. Especially not repeately, with the same person, for a year. Who needs enemies when you have a husband like that!

[Hurt & Alone]

Part human nature and part selfishness. I didn't mind sharing (ha ha)

[KATANYA]

This is an interesting thread - I was at lunch with an acquaintance who will be celebrating her 25th wedding anniversary in two months! They married young and are both in their 40's now. In all that time, she knows about at least 8 affairs (I can tell you there have been many more including MANY one night stands). Strangely enough, she said she could live with the one night stands (the few she knew about) because she knew they were just "sex" but the one relationship she could not get past for a long time was an affair she found out he carried on for over a year! To her, knowing there were real feelings and commitment was devastating whereas the sex was almost to be expected???? Ironically, she claimed directly afterward that "as soon as I told him to end it or I was gone, he ended it. He learned his lesson. He knows I would leave now". Unfortunately, this guy if the one that continues to have MANY flings and affairs and he knows, I know, and everyone who knows them knows she will never leave - which, IMO, is his green light to keep doing what he is doing. She looks like a fool to all of us and we have told her that it is no good to keep blaming these women (sorry to all of you who disagree) who chose to slip into the bathroom with him at the bar or go for that country drive with him when she's working - you forgive once, it's noble, honorable and means you are committed to working it out; you accept it repeately over 25 years and I see nothing to celebrate except the fact that you feel all you deserve is a man who has many women in his life and a wife he knows will overlook it as long as he keeps the paycheques and gifts coming! Hard to feel sympathy for that! So, long story short, I agree with the premise that some, if not many, married men really know they won't lose everything so the risk isn't as great as it appears. Also explains why men really don't leave when they say they will! Why leave a woman who will eventually accept your indiscretions and still wash your shorts and cook Christmas dinner for you!?

 

JMO

[JamesM]

I will speak as a guy about my wife.

 

Based on comments made over the years and based on even recent comments, I think that my wife would NOT leave me...unless I made it flagrantly stupid or repeatedly cheated. I am willing to guess that if I had a one time affair or a one night stand that she found out about, she would stay.

 

And as some may know, I have a less than satisfactory sex life. But I can say that I still have hope. I do know that even though I feel that she would not leave, I also feel that she would make my life miserable in many ways...ie there would be NO sex for many years if ever.

 

No, I am not making plans to take "advantage" of that. Nor do I feel secure in that feeling that she would not leave. But yet, I think she would stay for the sake of family.

 

Personally, even though things have been less than satisfactory for me many times, this is the same reason that I do not plan on straying....I want to keep this family together. And I think that if men would make that their reason when love has failed, they may be able to bring the love back.

[RealityCheck]

To a certain degree, I think this is very true...

 

Sometimes I wonder why my MM takes some chances... texting me with his BB right in front of her for hours while they watch TV...

 

One time I asked him what she would do if she'd find out... First time, he said that she would kick him out... then he would move in with me...

 

I asked him again, later... and he said that she would probably forgive him and keep him... I think that is exactly what would happen... she is extremely dependant on him. She calls him 5-10 times a day just to talk to him about just anything...

 

He's got a lot of patience... LOL...but I know he loves her too...

 

So my bet, is that most of the BS would just forgive him and try to work things out... and the MM knows that, they know their W well enough, that's why they sometimes take all those chances.

 

Yes indeed! They do know! Men are attached to logic whereas women are attached to emotion.

[fisherfool]

Yes indeed! They do know! Men are attached to logic whereas women are attached to emotion.

Men are by their nature takers of risk. It is an important facet of their being and without it they are nothing. The chances they take is not because they feel that in the end they will lose nothing but rather because without chance without risk they are nothing and have lost everything. It is unfortunate their risks to prove they are still alive hurt other people.

[serial muse]

SM, Is it that hard to believe that a man or woman could not have feelings for another person and when push comes to shove the easier road to take is the answer? Is it not possible that a M or W stay with the WS because it is too difficult to accept change? Come on. It is one of the many theories out there and each has its own validity depending on the ind's experiance. Each circumstance is different but, with as many affairs that happen the simple solution to this phenomenom can not just be because the person was looking outside the marriage for fun and return home when D-Day arrives just because the other person meant nothing to them.

 

I have not come across many posts when the OM/OW come across negative about what the BS has had to say unless, they had started the negativity to begin with. The OW/OM clearly understand the pain the BS feels, but, we too have our own pain with this type of situation.

 

Okay, wow. Pleasepleasepleaseplease actually read my post.

 

This is surreal. Where did I say that people stay for love in all cases? Where did I say that it's not different for different people?? Because what's so crazy is that THAT IS MY POINT.

 

I said it’s individual, and I’m the one arguing against this kind of statement right here:

 

Anyway, when it seems like almost all BS choose to take back their WS after D-day .... So I guess the point of this thread is - we all wonder why MM would risk his marriage, his money and seeing his kids for sex with us the OWs. Maybe the answer is he wasn't.....

 

You may be one of the few exceptions herenow.

 

Bet anything you care to gamble that the BS won't let him go just on a matter of principle....It's not about love, it's about honour... if he has a wife, he needs to be honourable... LOVE, well that's another matter.

 

So true about the principle thing. Thing is not a BS alive that would admit to that. Suddenly it becomes about "love"? bullcrap! it's also about not losing out on everything.

 

So, Hurt&Alone, frankly, I think that if you’re going to say this:

 

Is it that hard to believe that a man or woman could not have feelings for another person and when push comes to shove the easier road to take is the answer?

 

you really have to admit that that works both ways. All I'm saying is, is it really so hard to believe that - not in a tiny minority of cases or one or two exceptions, as many people have been saying - but in many cases, that this ISN'T true?

 

Which is why a generalizing theory such as this is pretty much bunk. That’s my whole point!

 

WHAT YOU SAID IS MY POINT.

 

Argh.

 

I’m staring to think that the people saying this stuff simply don’t realize that it is actually insulting. I think maybe you just don't think it is, you see it as "fact" and therefore how could it be hurtful or wrong?? - although you certainly wouldn't care for it if it were turned around on you. This is crazy to me. How can you argue so vehemently that it's individual, and then tell me I'm full of it when ALL I'm saying is that IT'S INDIVIDUAL, so please don't lump all BS together?????

 

I DO NOT UNDERSTAND.

 

Please, would somebody actually read my post for content, and not with the filter of, oh, she's a BS, so she must be insulting us???

 

I'M NOT. READ IT. READ WHAT I ACTUALLY SAID.

 

Sorry to "shout" but I'm actually laughing over here in frustration. This is just so bizarre. You guys are arguing the same thing I am! Theorizing is silly and nobody here is going to like "theories" about why "most" OW do x, y or z. So why do it in reverse?? Gah.

[BurriedAlive]

I just want to point out that only 17% of marriages end because of infidelity so if more than 50% of men cheat on their wives, it stands to reason that it is more likely than not that a BS will take their H back after an A is discovered. So, when I started this thread, I don't think I was off base by making the statements that I did. While I appreciate the POV of BSs such as herenow, I stand by my original statements.

 

Additionally, given that this is an OM/OW forum, I think this is the most appropriate venue to be coming up with these theories that support the fact that we weren't just pieces of trash that MM threw out because he loved his wife. I say this respectfully SM and I appreciate your point of view and have read your post and I have given it some thought. I am not lumping all BS together but the statistics do support these generalizations.

[NoIDidn't]

It’s strange, to me, that rather than listen to the actual flesh-and-blood BS who are answering the thread, people would rather form abstract (and rather unflattering) theories about how “all” or “most” BS would take anything from their MM/MW. Yeesh. And then to tell the people who have responded by saying that's not the case that they are therefore the exceptions to the rule...??

 

It makes no sense. But I guess people need to form theories when they're upset, so they can make it hurt less. Never mind that it diminishes other people.

 

These are real, actual people you're all talking about. Not ciphers or abstract characters. Real people, who act very much like you all do. They would do what you would do (and have done). Your motivations are not all that different. Love, pain, hurt, desperation, need, family, want. That's all the theorizing you need to do. We're all two sides of the same coin.

 

The BS is NOT the enemy. Why is this so hard to understand??? She's not the one doing all the lying, or causing all the pain. Why make her into some kind of monster, or worse, some kind of pathetic half-wit???

 

 

Great and TRUE post!!!

 

Its so funny how when one applies the OP-filter to reading post they can never see how insulting their *insights* really are. But when called on it, they said that anyone that doesn't support that filter is *bashing*. Very frustrating, to say the least.

 

And the part about having real people respond on this thread only to say that they are exceptions, true again. Anything that goes against the filter, is filtered out, automatically not true or an exaggeration.

 

I think the theory should go something like this:

A man engaged in an A is HOPING that his spouse WILL leave him, so he doesn't seem like the bad guy when the R ends. He isn't risking anything. He's trying out someone else before he loses anything.

 

Completely different from risking it all. Most therapists will tell the betrayed that if they cheated, that means that they weren't 100% ready to end the marriage and that in and of itself is a good thing. Not something an OP wants to hear, but definitely worth considering before taking the cheater back if he's still married and giving you empty promises.