Author jesmel Posted August 4, 2007 Author Share Posted August 4, 2007 Look, its not that simple. My husband is a good man. Just he and I are not good together. Yes, he works very hard, but I , yes me, needed him to be home sometimes. Not choosing to be at work all the time because it was fun, and he did not have to be bothered by the noise our children made. So i think that instead of making decisions about other peoples relationships before knowing as much information to make a decision, ask questions. You might be suprised to find out the answer Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted August 4, 2007 Share Posted August 4, 2007 Does he know that you are seeing the MM? Is he seeing anyone too? Just wondering if you two now are in an open marriage? I want someone to come home to me at night and want to share a bed with me. I want someone who will share with me. I wish I felt for my husband the way that I should, but I do not. Unfortunately you won't get those needs met by the MM. He isn't planning on leaving his wife and the longer you stay the OW in his life, he'll have no real reason to do anything different than he is now. Having two women meet all his needs...Flipside is, you are having all your needs met too, by having two men in your life. Link to post Share on other sites
scaredinlove Posted August 5, 2007 Share Posted August 5, 2007 hello everybody. I wanted your take on this. My MM took me out for my birthday lastnight. We actually had a great time, but while we drove home we had the "Are you honestly ever going to leave you wife?" discussion. Well, the end result was not now. I then told him that I would have to begin to date others. He actually said that he understood because at this point he could not give me what I want. He said that if that is what I wanted, he does not like it, that I should, but that I should not let him know. He said that It would hurt him too much. I think we have the same MM, because he sound just like mine. He is BSing, as soon as you find someone to date he will get really upset. He is just saying that to sound in control. Mine do that too. Once mine was like "I need time to work on his marriage and decided what I want with the affair ". He said "I will contact you in 3 months".I told him I was going to start dating some guy we both know and than after 3 months we would talk and see were we stood.An hour later he called and decided he didn't want to give it time even though he undertsnds that I should find someone and yada yada. If yours is anything like mine he is just saying that.He dosen't mean it. Link to post Share on other sites
scaredinlove Posted August 5, 2007 Share Posted August 5, 2007 My children are 5years and 8years old. I am going to find out about a part-time schedule. Jesmel , I have three kids 13yr,10yr and 6yr.I am a single mother since October last yr. I work full time and study part-time.If I can do it you can do it too.My college offer classes online so I don't go into camp much. You could try that. Link to post Share on other sites
Madame de Pompadour Posted August 5, 2007 Share Posted August 5, 2007 Don't ever have that conversation if you're not willing to hear his answer. If he tells you that he is not ready to leave, believe him. Even after reading your story, I'm still not sure why you want to continue "dating" if you're married and already have a MM. I understand needing companionship, but staying married just because you don't want to work, isn't really a good enough reason in my opinion. You have to do what's best for YOU. (and it doesn't sound like you are doing that) Link to post Share on other sites
Author jesmel Posted August 5, 2007 Author Share Posted August 5, 2007 I had not thought much about online courses. What a great idea. Thanks. I just got off the phone with my MM and his opinion about me dating has changed. No, my husband and I do not have an open marriage. Well, we have not discussed it. But with him being gone all the time, am I to believe that he does not see someone while he loves almost three hours away. Not that that makes a difference on what I am doing. I know it does not justify my actions. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jesmel Posted August 5, 2007 Author Share Posted August 5, 2007 Thank yall for all of your words. It was nice to discuss this topic with others who understand what it is like to be in such a relationship. Even if you do not agree with my decisions. Link to post Share on other sites
IpAncA Posted August 5, 2007 Share Posted August 5, 2007 You're married too.. then why would you want to date other guys? How many do you need? Same can be asked about you. How many do you need? Hmmmm??? I know that her is serious, but I guess that it floors me to hear him say these things. But, I guess the best thing to do is date someone new. Who knows what will happen. Why do you have to date someone new? Because he won't leave his W? Does your H know what's going on? Does he know your together for financial reasons? Link to post Share on other sites
scaredinlove Posted August 5, 2007 Share Posted August 5, 2007 I had not thought much about online courses. What a great idea. Thanks. I just got off the phone with my MM and his opinion about me dating has changed. No, my husband and I do not have an open marriage. Well, we have not discussed it. But with him being gone all the time, am I to believe that he does not see someone while he loves almost three hours away. Not that that makes a difference on what I am doing. I know it does not justify my actions. The online courses are good because you make your on schedule, the down side is think is lot of writting and reading, more than in the classroom. I like it because I can do at night after work, while I am cooking or after the kids go to bed . It is a good thing for a mother. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted August 5, 2007 Share Posted August 5, 2007 Same can be asked about you. How many do you need? Hmmmm??? Why do you have to date someone new? Because he won't leave his W? Does your H know what's going on? Does he know your together for financial reasons? I am not married or in a committed relationship so I can have as many as I want...right? Plus I am very happy in my life... I am not miserable waiting for a MM to make up his mind... LOL Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted August 5, 2007 Share Posted August 5, 2007 This post is very interesting and full of outright contradictions and hypocrisy (sorry for being blunt, hormones) A MM can have as many women as he wants but the MW is asked how many she needs because she is already M'd? Bull. A MW being judged for not wanting to leave because she doesn't have to work but a MM won't leave because he doesn't want to lose his money to child/spousal support? Bull I don't agree with the OPs decisions, but I wouldn't be so quick to state "how many do you need" if I am already dating SEVERAL MM/SG myself and use the excuse of being single therefore "allowed" to sleep around. That's ludicris. (Nothing personal just an outrageous observation and surprised that the poster even said it). I don't understand the double-speak that passes here for logic most days. It would seem that the OP and her H would do well to have an honest conversation about the state of their lives together/apart as partners and parents. It is strange to hear a MW stating to her MM that she wants to date others. It makes one wonder if this is yet another poorly thought out novel being hoisted onto the unsuspecting at LS. Not accusing the OP of being writing fiction, but throwing in that she's married later does stick out as *odd*. Link to post Share on other sites
VIP Posted August 5, 2007 Share Posted August 5, 2007 It is strange to hear a MW stating to her MM that she wants to date others. I don't find it strange. She is not looking for another affair, she wants to leave her husband. But she doesn't want to become independent, she wants someone to take over paying the bills. Link to post Share on other sites
Lyssa Posted August 5, 2007 Share Posted August 5, 2007 You of all people are asking her this question? I don't see anything wrong with Lizzie asking that Q. She is after all not attached... where else Jesmel is married, so Lizzie is just wondering... Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted August 5, 2007 Share Posted August 5, 2007 I don't find it strange. She is not looking for another affair, she wants to leave her husband. But she doesn't want to become independent, she wants someone to take over paying the bills. Are you saying this tongue in cheek? I do find it strange because if she wanted to leave her M, she wouldn't be trying to manipulate the MM (into leaving his W) with tales of dating others to get a negative response from him. If it were really no big deal that she just wants to date others, his response of not being able to give her what she wanted in leaving his W wouldn't have been a big deal. If he hadn't said that he wasn't leaving right away, I am sure that she never would have said that she wanted to date others. It just seems like one lead to the other. If I was the MM, I would see through this and lose whatever respect I had left for the person. I mean, I'm married and seeing this married woman. We are both cheating on our spouses. She wants me to leave first so she has a safety net to take care of her and HER children. She obviously doesn't want to ever have to work. So I say that now is not a good time since I don't plan on leaving my W to take care of her and her kids, and THEN she drops the "I'm going to see other people" bomb on me. Who does she think I am? Do I have "Boo the Fool" plastered across my forehead or something? Did she really think that this would force my hand? The above is not a dig on the OP. Its just my thought process given the things posted in this thread by the OP. And after that rather (I'm assuming) tongue in cheek response by VIP, one has to wonder what the OP is thinking in telling a man that knows she is already married, not working and cheating on a hard working husband, that she intends to cheat even more on said husband and in turn him too. Link to post Share on other sites
child_of_isis Posted August 5, 2007 Share Posted August 5, 2007 This is not making much sense. MM is not able to go home with you and share your bed every night is he? Or am I reading this wrong? You say this is what you want. Yet MM tells you to date others. And yet you say MM has shown you the way you should be treated. With my MM i saw the way I should be treated. I want someone to come home to me at night and want to share a bed with me. I want someone who will share with me. Link to post Share on other sites
child_of_isis Posted August 5, 2007 Share Posted August 5, 2007 Ack ack and double ack! Why are you even allowing him to discuss this? It will not tie him to you. It does not mean that he loves you. It will not mean that he owes you something. Not to him, anyway! All it will mean to him is that you are willing to be emotionally dependent on him. While some men may spend 99.9 percent of their time trying to get a woman dependant on them, be it financial or by emotionally crippling them....in the end, they will despise you for it. I just got off the phone with my MM and his opinion about me dating has changed. Link to post Share on other sites
East of Jupiter Posted August 5, 2007 Share Posted August 5, 2007 Are you saying this tongue in cheek? If I was the MM, I would see through this and lose whatever respect I had left for the person. I mean, I'm married and seeing this married woman. We are both cheating on our spouses. She wants me to leave first so she has a safety net to take care of her and HER children. She obviously doesn't want to ever have to work. So I say that now is not a good time since I don't plan on leaving my W to take care of her and her kids, and THEN she drops the "I'm going to see other people" bomb on me. Who does she think I am? Do I have "Boo the Fool" plastered across my forehead or something? Did she really think that this would force my hand? I had not considered the MM's POV quite that way before. It may explain why when push comes to shove, they bolt. No matter how good the sex or how good the OW makes them feel. Though many women work these days, it is still a huge proposition. Not only will he have to take care of the kids he has, but take on a new family. CS does not cover everything and even if they did, one still have the responsibility of step-parenting some other guy's children or vice-versa. Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted August 5, 2007 Share Posted August 5, 2007 I had not considered the MM's POV quite that way before. It may explain why when push comes to shove, they bolt. No matter how good the sex or how good the OW makes them feel. Though many women work these days, it is still a huge proposition. Not only will he have to take care of the kids he has, but take on a new family. CS does not cover everything and even if they did, one still have the responsibility of step-parenting some other guy's children or vice-versa. There are plenty of single parents who take care of their households and children without needing someone to pay for "them"...I do it and with minimal (very minimal) child support... I think that saying the MM is going to be taking care of them and their children may be true if the OW doesn't work, but that's not the case in many R's... Link to post Share on other sites
outofdarkness Posted August 5, 2007 Share Posted August 5, 2007 You're married too.. then why would you want to date other guys? How many do you need? That IS sort of odd...you two act like you're both single, yet you ARE still m even if just for financial reasons Link to post Share on other sites
PoshPrincess Posted August 6, 2007 Share Posted August 6, 2007 My children are 5years and 8years old. I am going to find out about a part-time schedule. Jesmel, I definitely think you should do something! I didn't work for the first two years of my son's life but didn't need to financially, then I split with his Dad and HAD to work. Looking back I can see that me not working may have been part of the cause of the break up (or my unhappiness, at any rate) but my partner and I were always a firm believer in Mum staying home with the child if you can afford it (and my partner earned a fair bit more than me. Looking back now, I think it may have been beneficial for me to work part-time. My son starts school this year and I would give ANYTHING to be there to take him to school and pick him up, and to be around during school holidays so I can see where you're coming from re not wanting to end your marriage. Not that I have any regrets but I DO miss the time with my son and that's something you can't get back. Go to college, work part-time, do whatever it takes and then hopefully in time you will feel strong enough to end your M. BTW, re the MM, I had exactly the same types of conversation with mine. "I will leave but not at the moment", "I don't really want you to see other men but I know I can't stop you", etc. He never left. Just look after yourself and your kids and don't rely on a man to make you happy. You have to do that for yourself! Link to post Share on other sites
Author jesmel Posted August 6, 2007 Author Share Posted August 6, 2007 WOW! I was just able to catch up on all the posts. Let me say a few things. I knew before getting into this relationship with my MM that he probably was not going to leave his W. I have never asked him to leave, nor will I ever. I am not trying to get him to leave his W by discussing my plans to possibly date others. It is a decision I need to make, but because he is the "relationship" that I am in, I wanted to hear what he had to say. Did I like what he said, No. But I did ask. As for my hisband, we can go for months without seeng eachother, or him seeing our children. I want to be with someone who has time for me, and the kids. Or can at least make time. I know that my MM has no time, but he does make time. I eventually want to be remarried and have the type of marrige I know is possible. I guess that is why I am thinking about dating others. Link to post Share on other sites
PoshPrincess Posted August 6, 2007 Share Posted August 6, 2007 There are plenty of single parents who take care of their households and children without needing someone to pay for "them"...I do it and with minimal (very minimal) child support... I agree. Although things are more difficult financially for me and I don't get to spend as much time with my son as I like, never mind other things such as housework, going to the gym, etc, I now only have one child to look after instead of two! ScaredInLove, well done for managing ok with three kids, full-time work and part-time studying! I don't know how you do it. I have one child, work full-time and find there aren't enough hours in the day/days in the week for that! I'd love to study but by the time I get home in the evening, put my son to bed, eat and tidy up, I'm ready for bed myself! Maybe you've got staying up late down to a fine art! How the hell do you do it all? Superwoman! Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted August 6, 2007 Share Posted August 6, 2007 hello everybody. I wanted your take on this. My MM took me out for my birthday lastnight. We actually had a great time, but while we drove home we had the "Are you honestly ever going to leave you wife?" discussion. Why have a "are you honestly ever going to leave your wife?" discussion if you say that you knew he wasn't and that you didn't want him to leave his W? Why ask if he was serious if you have no stock in the answer? Does the MM make time for you AND your kids, or just for you sans your kids? Does he have kids of his own in his M? Just curious.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author jesmel Posted August 7, 2007 Author Share Posted August 7, 2007 He makes time for me and my children. He does have one, and he does make time for him also Link to post Share on other sites
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