GreenEyedLady Posted August 1, 2007 Share Posted August 1, 2007 See...that was my whole point...if OW gets huge chunks of time, resources and emtotional involvement..wifey would be on that in a heartbeat. What OW does get is so minute it can go unnoticed for a long time. I hate to give out TMI but some OW get the time and the emotional involvement...Think outside the box here...You're spewing more of the same and what you want to hear... If that's what you want to believe, then go for it...Too bad that it's so far from the truth...But go on believing what you want to believe...You've made your apparent lack of experience known... As for resources, who needs someone else's, when you have your own? Link to post Share on other sites
fisherfool Posted August 1, 2007 Share Posted August 1, 2007 In fact, if BS's in general want to have happy healthy M's, why not listen to our stories and be your own H's OW? It's really not that hard...Just be like the girl you were when you met him...And enough of the excuses that I'm tired or you didn't take out the trash etc...Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy? This is the best point I've seen in the short time I've been here. It's not that everythings should be automatically OK with the wife, but the husband shouldn't be treated like last weeks trash. You once looked at your husband with love in your eyes. He could see his importance to you. That made him important in the world. Your children, your career, your home are all important but are they more important than your husband? If they aren't, why does it seem like they are? Take care of the important things and all of the less important things will still be taken care of. Treat your husband the way you want to be treated by him. Don't get stuck in a rut. Don't think that because you haven't done something that you can't do something. Be creative. Be willing to experiment in all things. No, it's not just what you do. It's his responsibility too but if both of you just think that everything first must be done by the other you will lose yourselves and your marriage will disappear. Think of what you can do to help your marriage and don't think that it's only the responsibility of the other person. That kind of thinking just makes you both lose. If your husbands were reading here I'd be saying the same things to him. Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted August 1, 2007 Share Posted August 1, 2007 GEL With all due respect, I do believe that your A is an exception. I can't cite my source right now, but I have read (Shirley Glass maybe) that most As last for about three months. Long-term As are a rarity, maybe because no one will admit to them. But, my point is this. You spend a lot of time telling people that they don't know anything about As using yours as your basis for proving the fact when all you really has is your ONE to go by truthfully (as in you only know the truth about yours). You do spend a lot of time with the MM. You didn't even know he was M'd for over a year. But other OW have spoken about the MM having to sneak out in the middle of the night when their W's were asleep for sex. Other OW have spoken about only seeing the MM at work. There are OW here that have waited by the phone for hours on end. Most of the OW in this board (at least that were here a year ago) WERE getting very little time from the MM. And most As aren't like yours and frannie's where you spend oodles of time with the MM. I can see why you defend the "realness" of it with the amount of time you get to share. But most OW can't make your claims. We are all guilty of making generalizations based on our own experiences. Your A isn't the norm. Not many can truthfully claim as much contact with MM as you can. Link to post Share on other sites
Tomcat33 Posted August 1, 2007 Share Posted August 1, 2007 well well well TC!!!!!!!!!!! That is so uplifting and so complimentary coming from you knowing how we have "clashed" at times! This post made me feel empowered! Thanks! Well OOD while you are right that we have "bucked horns" a few times, that doesn't mean I have anything against you as a person. I can see you are going though a difficult time and I wouldn't be so petty to hold back on offering you words of encouragement, for whatever it's worth, if that is what your posts inspired in me. Despite my life decisions and yours, pain affects as all in the same way. I'm genuinely happy to see you focusing on yourself, you can move mountains if you set your mind to it. Link to post Share on other sites
Tomcat33 Posted August 1, 2007 Share Posted August 1, 2007 GEL With all due respect, I do believe that your A is an exception. I can't cite my source right now, but I have read (Shirley Glass maybe) that most As last for about three months. Long-term As are a rarity, maybe because no one will admit to them. But, my point is this. You spend a lot of time telling people that they don't know anything about As using yours as your basis for proving the fact when all you really has is your ONE to go by truthfully (as in you only know the truth about yours). You do spend a lot of time with the MM. You didn't even know he was M'd for over a year. But other OW have spoken about the MM having to sneak out in the middle of the night when their W's were asleep for sex. Other OW have spoken about only seeing the MM at work. There are OW here that have waited by the phone for hours on end. Most of the OW in this board (at least that were here a year ago) WERE getting very little time from the MM. And most As aren't like yours and frannie's where you spend oodles of time with the MM. I can see why you defend the "realness" of it with the amount of time you get to share. But most OW can't make your claims. We are all guilty of making generalizations based on our own experiences. Your A isn't the norm. Not many can truthfully claim as much contact with MM as you can. And speaking of sweeping generalizations... So do people only have opinions based on personal experience? Or is it possible people end up knowing about things because they take the time to educate themselves on something? My "A" wasn't the norm either, yet I have learned so much more about the dynamic of an A and what happens to all people involved through my experience, and it catapulted me into learning about something I really had no interest in before quite frankly. Sometimes even a taste of an experience can open you up to find out more about about it. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted August 1, 2007 Share Posted August 1, 2007 Don't get stuck in a rut. This is very unrealistic because ruts happen. In marriages, in jobs etc... Sometimes life (expected, unexpected, good bad and the ugly) get in the way, yes it's wrong, but it does happen. Link to post Share on other sites
OpenBook Posted August 1, 2007 Share Posted August 1, 2007 This is very unrealistic because ruts happen. In marriages, in jobs etc... Sometimes life (expected, unexpected, good bad and the ugly) get in the way, yes it's wrong, but it does happen. Funny, you could say exactly the same thing about affairs. (Just substitute "affair" in place of the word "rut" in the above.) Link to post Share on other sites
Tomcat33 Posted August 1, 2007 Share Posted August 1, 2007 Funny, you could say exactly the same thing about affairs. (Just substitute "affair" in place of the word "rut" in the above.) Touche!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
fisherfool Posted August 1, 2007 Share Posted August 1, 2007 This is very unrealistic because ruts happen. In marriages, in jobs etc... Sometimes life (expected, unexpected, good bad and the ugly) get in the way, yes it's wrong, but it does happen. Yes ruts do happen. It's important though to recognize and get out of it instead of using it for an excuse to treat your mate poorly or ignore him/her. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted August 1, 2007 Share Posted August 1, 2007 Fisherfool, I just love your posts. You make so much sense. I'm glad you're on LS. Welcome! Link to post Share on other sites
fisherfool Posted August 1, 2007 Share Posted August 1, 2007 Fisherfool, I just love your posts. You make so much sense. I'm glad you're on LS. Welcome! Thank-you, I appreciate it. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted August 1, 2007 Share Posted August 1, 2007 I can only imagine the contempt comes from the W having something the OW wants and when the MM goes back to his W it just makes brings home the reality of the relationship. One might think this would be the case, but I don't believe I have ever seen an example of this realization on this board aeb the why is it never that a H takes the wife back for love.. thread. Well I disagree because there are so many threads about OW wanting to tell the W of the affair, wondering why the W took him back, etc. It is as if the OW is obsessed with the W. Look I am not a BS or a OW but as I have said before if I were an OW I wouldn't want to know anything about the W. I am wondering why the OW spends so much time thinking about the W? Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted August 1, 2007 Share Posted August 1, 2007 Well I disagree because there are so many threads about OW wanting to tell the W of the affair, wondering why the W took him back, etc. It is as if the OW is obsessed with the W. Look I am not a BS or a OW but as I have said before if I were an OW I wouldn't want to know anything about the W. I am wondering why the OW spends so much time thinking about the W? Actually, from my experience, and from what I've seen and heard so far, it's quite the opposite... the W gets obsessed with the OW... She wants to see what she looks like... etc... the OW rarely asks about the W... IMO... I know I don't.. I am not curious about the W. I remember when the W caught us, a few years back... I had to tell her to move on and to stop calling me.. I felt she wanted to get closer to me and be my friend... weird... Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted August 1, 2007 Share Posted August 1, 2007 Well Lizzie you are different than most OW. I'm just going by the threads posted on LS. It seems to be all about the W. All the threads of why won't she let him go, why did she take him back, he doesn't love her why did he go back, should I tell the w, etc. Who cares? My point is if you are in an affair with a MM then forget about his wife. Link to post Share on other sites
Tomcat33 Posted August 1, 2007 Share Posted August 1, 2007 Well Lizzie you are different than most OW. I'm just going by the threads posted on LS. It seems to be all about the W. All the threads of why won't she let him go, why did she take him back, he doesn't love her why did he go back, should I tell the w, etc. Who cares? My point is if you are in an affair with a MM then forget about his wife. Well let's be brutally honest now, there is only three of four threads that focus on that, that's like 1/10 of the forum if that. In the grand scheme of things it appears it's not a huge concern. Valid concern for those who wish to know... none the less Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted August 2, 2007 Share Posted August 2, 2007 GEL With all due respect, I do believe that your A is an exception. I can't cite my source right now, but I have read (Shirley Glass maybe) that most As last for about three months. Long-term As are a rarity, maybe because no one will admit to them. But, my point is this. You spend a lot of time telling people that they don't know anything about As using yours as your basis for proving the fact when all you really has is your ONE to go by truthfully (as in you only know the truth about yours). You do spend a lot of time with the MM. You didn't even know he was M'd for over a year. But other OW have spoken about the MM having to sneak out in the middle of the night when their W's were asleep for sex. Other OW have spoken about only seeing the MM at work. There are OW here that have waited by the phone for hours on end. Most of the OW in this board (at least that were here a year ago) WERE getting very little time from the MM. And most As aren't like yours and frannie's where you spend oodles of time with the MM. I can see why you defend the "realness" of it with the amount of time you get to share. But most OW can't make your claims. We are all guilty of making generalizations based on our own experiences. Your A isn't the norm. Not many can truthfully claim as much contact with MM as you can. I get what you're saying and I'm not refuting it...I know that there are affairs like that and I wouldn't be in one like that at all... It's just that there's widespread acceptance of the idea that OW do sit around and wait for phone calls and get little to no time with MM and it is a R that is mainly sexual... I'd venture that there are more longer term A's out there but nobody realizes they're affairs, except the people in them... Plus, I was just educating the poster I referenced in my quote...because she pointedly directed the comment at me... Link to post Share on other sites
IfWishesWereHorses Posted August 2, 2007 Share Posted August 2, 2007 OK, I'm no mathemetician but can someone please tell me how 1/10 of the THREADS are like 3/4's of them. Seeing as how I'll have to help my 5th grader with his fractions this year, WHAT AM I MISSING??? Well let's be brutally honest now, there is only three of four threads that focus on that, that's like 1/10 of the forum Link to post Share on other sites
Lookingforward Posted August 2, 2007 Share Posted August 2, 2007 three OR four - duh picky picky = ) Link to post Share on other sites
IfWishesWereHorses Posted August 2, 2007 Share Posted August 2, 2007 Posting on the wrong name, TC said three of four!!! I'm churning butter!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Mino Posted August 2, 2007 Share Posted August 2, 2007 Well I disagree because there are so many threads about OW wanting to tell the W of the affair, wondering why the W took him back, etc. It is as if the OW is obsessed with the W. Look I am not a BS or a OW but as I have said before if I were an OW I wouldn't want to know anything about the W. I am wondering why the OW spends so much time thinking about the W? I am in a long time A ( 3 Years) Sure I have my moments that I do want to talk to the BW. Does not mean Ow is obsessesd. BW comes up very very seldom in conversations. To me she is a faceless person, who I know exist, but I think its easier to block her out of my mind. We do work together, vacation together, and see each other almost every day, Link to post Share on other sites
IfWishesWereHorses Posted August 2, 2007 Share Posted August 2, 2007 If that works for you, I suppose it's fine, till she becomes a face and THEN you can join in on the CAN you believe HOW this woman treated ME threads! Yep things are easy when the victims are faceless. Ever heard war stories depicting what happened when the pilot saw the wrath of his destruction???? The poor man must have had a 'concious'! Pitty really, don't know which would be worse, survivnng it or being caught in it's wake! Link to post Share on other sites
child_of_isis Posted August 2, 2007 Share Posted August 2, 2007 I think that may be the issue here...."directed the comment at me". Just because I am addressing you, or disagreeing with you, does not mean that I am talking about you and your A. Or even you in general. That being said...one should take into consideration that a disagreement or difference in opinion, is just that, it should not be looked upon as a personal attack. Plus, I was just educating the poster I referenced in my quote...because she pointedly directed the comment at me... Link to post Share on other sites
KenzieAbsolutely Posted August 2, 2007 Share Posted August 2, 2007 This is sooo true: she neglected to tell anyone HER part in why their marriage fell apart acts so holier-than-thou and feels he/she has the right to completely ruin the OW/OM's life being an OW before, i don't have any right to talk, i guess, but to me it seems the ow's feel the same way about the wives... Link to post Share on other sites
East of Jupiter Posted August 2, 2007 Share Posted August 2, 2007 They're sexist egotistical lying hypocritical bigots, oh wait, sorry, that's another story! To answer your question, they're selfish, that's it, that goes for OM too. Well you can close this thread now. J/K about closing the thread thing..... Logic often needs little explanation. It is a selfishness like no other. And why would we be surprised that a person in an affair is cruel to the BS? The cruelty starts at home. What they do to their BS's they are doing to their own spouse. The pain they cause the BS's children, they cause their own. (provided they have any) I think that also playing into the rage against the BS. There is a lot of anguish, pain, insecurity and guilt over what they are doing to their own family but it is very hard to face that as you can read often. It's a projection of their own feelings onto someone else. I practice applying what someone says about others to that person and see if it fits. More often than not, it does. One more thing, many women in affairs are simply misguided and do not enjoy hurting anyone and do their best not to. Link to post Share on other sites
East of Jupiter Posted August 3, 2007 Share Posted August 3, 2007 being an OW before, i don't have any right to talk, i guess, but to me it seems the ow's feel the same way about the wives... I think it some sort of psychosis that happens as a result of the thin air in affairyland. Like the OW feeling betrayed. That is incongruous, isn't it? The idea that he will lie to his wife but won't lie to his lover? Not very logical. A part of the brain has to shut down. Just as a part of a BW's has to shut down to believe the obvious lies. If you read any of Dr. Glass' work, she writes about the trauma of affairs very well. If you don't know of Shirley Glass, I highly encourage you to google her. She died of breast cancer a few years ago but she left a wonderful legacy in her work on affairs for all of us. She did not take one side or the other. Link to post Share on other sites
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