herenow Posted July 27, 2007 Share Posted July 27, 2007 I have noticed so many threads about why a MM stays with his wife. Rarely have I seen the reason stated that he stays because he realizes how much he loves her. Why do some OW feel the need to blame some other reason (kids, finances, the wife will go crazy) etc? I know that these are reasons that the MM tell the OW in some cases. But, it is possible for a MM to care and love his wife enough to work on and fix their marriage. There are men who are truly remorseful and stay because they realize when faced with losing her, he really loves his wife. In that case, why would it be wrong for the wife to give him a second chance? After all, the OW is willing to give the benefit of the doubt to the MM when he is cheating with her. Link to post Share on other sites
annabelle75 Posted July 27, 2007 Share Posted July 27, 2007 No one here had said that that doesn't happen. But many times "love" is not the reason too. Its a case by case situation. Link to post Share on other sites
child_of_isis Posted July 27, 2007 Share Posted July 27, 2007 MM's don't tell OW's that they are staying because they love their W. They give all kinds of other reason...so OW just repeats what she has been told. I have noticed so many threads about why a MM stays with his wife. Rarely have I seen the reason stated that he stays because he realizes how much he loves her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author herenow Posted July 27, 2007 Author Share Posted July 27, 2007 No one here had said that that doesn't happen. But many times "love" is not the reason too. Its a case by case situation. It seems like most OW on this board believe that love is rarely the reason. I think that in most cases when the MM and BW really work to fix their own problems and the problems in their marriage, love is the more common reason. And could be a very simple answer to questions like: How can they look so happy when I'm, so miserable? Or, how can the MM just move on like nothing happened? It could be that he realizes how much he loves his wife and the OW is no longer part of the equation. Link to post Share on other sites
Author herenow Posted July 27, 2007 Author Share Posted July 27, 2007 MM's don't tell OW's that they are staying because they love their W. They give all kinds of other reason...so OW just repeats what she has been told. Sure they do. If a MM tells the OW that he is staying for a reason that can't be questioned (like his kids or finances or a crazy wife), he doesn't have to answer the obvious question that any OW would ask. Which is: If you love your wife why did you have sex with me? Or, why did you tell me you love me if you love your wife? Most MM just want an easy out from the affair. Link to post Share on other sites
annabelle75 Posted July 27, 2007 Share Posted July 27, 2007 It seems like most OW on this board believe that love is rarely the reason. I think that in most cases when the MM and BW really work to fix their own problems and the problems in their marriage, love is the more common reason. And could be a very simple answer to questions like: How can they look so happy when I'm, so miserable? Or, how can the MM just move on like nothing happened? It could be that he realizes how much he loves his wife and the OW is no longer part of the equation. That very well could be the case in alot of situations. I don't deny that at all. In my sitaution it wasn't, therefore that's why you see me usually posting in threads where "love" doesn't appear to be the reason. It's where I have the most experience therefore I feel I can contribute more to the conversation. And also I would like to note that The things I know about the BS in my situation are not just things the MM told me. I wouldn't have truste dhim as far as I could have thrown him. Most of the information I have recieved has been from mutual friends of ours. Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted July 27, 2007 Share Posted July 27, 2007 It could be that he realizes how much he loves his wife and the OW is no longer part of the equation. It could be that he loves his W...I'm sure that does happen... It could be that he realized that he's going to have to pay alimony for the rest of his W's life or until she remarries... It could be that he likes having a picturesque marriage and family life and the status that comes with it... It could be that he doesn't want to have another man raise his kids and pay child support and be a part of their lives every other weekend... It could be that he likes things the way they are... It could be lots of reasons or a combination...But I think that the reason that alot of OW can't believe that he loves his W is because he is so blatantly hurting her by cheating on her (and he says he doesn't love her)...and alot of people try not to hurt those they love...so it's hard to reconcile... And I'm sure alot of people do mess up and make mistakes or get carried away...but those are not the repeat offenders... Link to post Share on other sites
Author herenow Posted July 27, 2007 Author Share Posted July 27, 2007 That very well could be the case in alot of situations. I don't deny that at all. In my sitaution it wasn't, therefore that's why you see me usually posting in threads where "love" doesn't appear to be the reason. It's where I have the most experience therefore I feel I can contribute more to the conversation. And also I would like to note that The things I know about the BS in my situation are not just things the MM told me. I wouldn't have truste dhim as far as I could have thrown him. Most of the information I have recieved has been from mutual friends of ours. But he is still with her and you still don't know for sure why he stays. Also, I believe that men who continue to have affairs have no real love for anyone but themselves and in some cases not even themselves. I'm talking about situations where the MM goes back to his wife and tells the OW that it's over. Then the OW asks why he went back and how could the BW take him back. They should accept that he may have realized that he does love his wife and doesn't want to lose her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author herenow Posted July 27, 2007 Author Share Posted July 27, 2007 It could be that he loves his W...I'm sure that does happen... It could be that he realized that he's going to have to pay alimony for the rest of his W's life or until she remarries... It could be that he likes having a picturesque marriage and family life and the status that comes with it... It could be that he doesn't want to have another man raise his kids and pay child support and be a part of their lives every other weekend... It could be that he likes things the way they are... It could be lots of reasons or a combination...But I think that the reason that alot of OW can't believe that he loves his W is because he is so blatantly hurting her by cheating on her (and he says he doesn't love her)...and alot of people try not to hurt those they love...so it's hard to reconcile... And I'm sure alot of people do mess up and make mistakes or get carried away...but those are not the repeat offenders... Yes, I'm sure that all of the above are true in some cases, I was just saying that I have never seen the one about him loving his wife as a reason stated on this board by an OW. Doesn't mean it hasn't been said, I have just never seen it. And I do think it happens more often than most OW want to believe. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted July 27, 2007 Share Posted July 27, 2007 I have noticed so many threads about why a MM stays with his wife. Rarely have I seen the reason stated that he stays because he realizes how much he loves her. Why do some OW feel the need to blame some other reason (kids, finances, the wife will go crazy) etc? I know that these are reasons that the MM tell the OW in some cases. But, it is possible for a MM to care and love his wife enough to work on and fix their marriage. There are men who are truly remorseful and stay because they realize when faced with losing her, he really loves his wife. In that case, why would it be wrong for the wife to give him a second chance? After all, the OW is willing to give the benefit of the doubt to the MM when he is cheating with her. I have no doubt that the MM love their wife... but they also love their OW. In some cases, they love the OW more but they will still choose their W because of everything else that would be taken away from him, the kids, the financial security, the circle of friends... not because solely for the W. I know that these are reasons that the MM tell the OW in some cases. No no.. these ARE the reasons why he stays... trust me... all MMs in my life, except for one (who have absolutely no idea I'm seeing other men) have absolutely NO reasons to lie to me... since there is no commitment and no love...They can talk freely and openly about their M and their W. There are men who are truly remorseful and stay because they realize when faced with losing her, he really loves his wife. Yes there are... but these cases are extremely rare, and they are the cases where it's a one-night stand type of A.. not the long term ones... In that case, why would it be wrong for the wife to give him a second chance? No it's not wrong... it's sad... because the W will find all kind of reasons to 'justify' his A... and believe his tears and his remorse and the whole nine yards... They're good actors... LOL Once she has calm down, he will do it again. I have good discussions with my MMs... and like I say, they have no reasons to lie to me. They tell me like it is... and most love their W, no doubt, they are best friends (I hear that all the time) they would never leave her... but it's not just about her it's all what comes with her that they don't leave. If there were no kids, no investments, houses, etc... involved.. just the W... that would be a totally different story... Link to post Share on other sites
Author herenow Posted July 27, 2007 Author Share Posted July 27, 2007 I have no doubt that the MM love their wife... but they also love their OW. In some cases, they love the OW more but they will still choose their W because of everything else that would be taken away from him, the kids, the financial security, the circle of friends... not because solely for the W. I know that these are reasons that the MM tell the OW in some cases. No no.. these ARE the reasons why he stays... trust me... all MMs in my life, except for one (who have absolutely no idea I'm seeing other men) have absolutely NO reasons to lie to me... since there is no commitment and no love...They can talk freely and openly about their M and their W. There are men who are truly remorseful and stay because they realize when faced with losing her, he really loves his wife. Yes there are... but these cases are extremely rare, and they are the cases where it's a one-night stand type of A.. not the long term ones... In that case, why would it be wrong for the wife to give him a second chance? No it's not wrong... it's sad... because the W will find all kind of reasons to 'justify' his A... and believe his tears and his remorse and the whole nine yards... They're good actors... LOL Once she has calm down, he will do it again. I have good discussions with my MMs... and like I say, they have no reasons to lie to me. They tell me like it is... and most love their W, no doubt, they are best friends (I hear that all the time) they would never leave her... but it's not just about her it's all what comes with her that they don't leave. If there were no kids, no investments, houses, etc... involved.. just the W... that would be a totally different story... Thank you Lizzie you have proved my point. Link to post Share on other sites
Mino Posted July 27, 2007 Share Posted July 27, 2007 I asked my mm " if he feels guilty when he goes home to his wife, and looks her in the eyes. He paused for a moment, and said, No, not really, nope, can't say I do. I just feel stucK" Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted July 27, 2007 Share Posted July 27, 2007 I asked my mm " if he feels guilty when he goes home to his wife, and looks her in the eyes. He paused for a moment, and said, No, not really, nope, can't say I do. I just feel stucK" I honestly believe that they don't feel any guilt... They justify their A, with lots of reasons, lack of sex, boring sex, etc. They can turn the switch to 'off' whenever they get into their driveway. Link to post Share on other sites
serial muse Posted July 27, 2007 Share Posted July 27, 2007 No no.. these ARE the reasons why he stays... trust me... all MMs in my life, except for one (who have absolutely no idea I'm seeing other men) have absolutely NO reasons to lie to me... since there is no commitment and no love...They can talk freely and openly about their M and their W. Actually, Lizzie, they absolutely do have a reason to lie to you, and it's not even really about you: they're creating their own, new story of why this is happening that makes some sense to them. It's a new glossier version of the truth, one in which they're not totally the bad guy (and I'm sure there is some component of wanting to attach you or impress you as well). They want to demonstrate to you, and themselves, that they have some "noble" reason for staying, and are really family men at heart despite the cheating. They may not be lying specifically to you, or even doing it consciously, but you're the sounding-board for the story they're telling themselves. There are men who are truly remorseful and stay because they realize when faced with losing her, he really loves his wife. Yes there are... but these cases are extremely rare, and they are the cases where it's a one-night stand type of A.. not the long term ones... Again, I'm not sure where the objective evidence for this is, or what good it does to say "most MM" do anything. We all like to acknowledge that it differs from case to case, after all. And I think it's important for people to acknowledge their own biases as well. I think it's always going to be way more confused than this simple "either he loves her or he doesn't" argument, or "he loves her as a friend but nothing more". It's not a movie where there's a clear story arc and a clear hero and heroine; real people get muddled and confused and can have feelings for more than one person, or can want to punish a spouse but not really want to leave, or can be selfish and not think about others' feelings, or can want out of the relationship, or can cheat for any number of reasons. And they can also then feel all confused about who it is they really love and what this love thing is anyway and how could I hurt someone I love and so on and so on and so on. And, bottom line, everyone wants to be the hero of his/her own story. So they're going to make that happen, make it fit, one way or another. It simpler and far less frightening to tell yourself some easy, pat answer - I can't leave my kids - than to actually sit down and face yourself once and for all, and try honestly to sort out your feelings. That's not to say some people don't stay for the kids, or because they're worried about money, after honestly giving it some thought. But there are also those who do the thinking and after lots of heartache and soul-searching and trying to figure out why they did it, realize the wife is the one they want. Why would an OW be cynical about that, except that it's not pleasing to think about? But it's still a reasonable answer, as reasonable as any other. And I think that's what herenow is trying to say. Link to post Share on other sites
Author herenow Posted July 27, 2007 Author Share Posted July 27, 2007 I asked my mm " if he feels guilty when he goes home to his wife, and looks her in the eyes. He paused for a moment, and said, No, not really, nope, can't say I do. I just feel stucK" Then why doesn't he leave? That would set him free and at the same time give his wife a chance to be with someone who really loves her. In this day and age where divorce is so common and the law determines child custody and financial arrangements, why would he stay if he felt stuck? If it's about money, isn't his love for you more important than stuff? Isn't he a good enough father to be able separate his relationship with his kids from a wife that he doesn't love? If he was honest with his wife and asked for a divorce because he no longer loves her, the courts would see him as a person that wants out of a relationship that isn't working. Happens every day. Why does he stay? Link to post Share on other sites
Author herenow Posted July 27, 2007 Author Share Posted July 27, 2007 Why would an OW be cynical about that, except that it's not pleasing to think about? But it's still a reasonable answer, as reasonable as any other. And I think that's what herenow is trying to say. Thank you SM Yes, it's a reasonable and probable answer to some of the questions asked on this board, that is never mentioned. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted July 28, 2007 Share Posted July 28, 2007 Actually, I stand by my post.. they have absolutely NO reasons to lie to me.. or make believe or whatever... they can be totally honest about how they feel... and I know most are. I also know the ones who are lying... I have a sixth sense for that kind of thing. Again, I'm not sure where the objective evidence for this is, or what good it does to say "most MM" do anything. I'm just being honest about this and I speak from experience...and I don't think anyone here as as much experience with MMs as I do... frankly. We all like to acknowledge that it differs from case to case, after all. But in the whole scheme.. it all comes up to the same freaken scenario. I agree that each case is different...but there are so many similiarities in each of them. there are also those who do the thinking and after lots of heartache and soul-searching and trying to figure out why they did it, realize the wife is the one they want. I agree, but like I said.. these are the odd cases. Why would an OW be cynical about that, except that it's not pleasing to think about? I'm not being cynical at all... I'm just being honest about what I know from my own experience and from what I hear all around me... Link to post Share on other sites
silktricks Posted July 28, 2007 Share Posted July 28, 2007 Lizzie, as you say, the MM you have experience with have no reason to lie to you. Those MM specifically know that you will not have an emotional attachment with them and they can speak freely with you. But I think also that you for the most part have experience with a specific type of MM. I don't believe for the most part that the MM you have experience with are the ones that have drifted into a relationship that "got out of hand", and at the same time, I think that often those men are the ones that hereandnow is referring to. I think that usually the MM that hereandnow is talking about are the ones that won't tell the OW the truth, even when leaving, because they have a twisted idea that it will hurt their feelings. They don't want a "scene". They don't want the OW to get angry and seek revenge. They don't want any kind of confrontation between their wife and the OW - in fact they don't want any contact between the two. (They may say that's for the wife's sake, but we all know who they're really looking after at that point :laugh:). Those men won't mess up again, because they have realized what they've risked. They really do love their wives, but they are far better at avoiding "situations" (see above ) then dealing with the issues in the marriage. (And in my opinion, they often have anger issues.) Anyway - my opinion. But as so many have said, each case is individual, and there is no size that fits all!! Link to post Share on other sites
silktricks Posted July 28, 2007 Share Posted July 28, 2007 And I'm sure alot of people do mess up and make mistakes or get carried away...but those are not the repeat offenders... I don't believe that herenow is talking about the serial cheaters....?? (Sorry I got your name wrong in the previous post, herenow.) Also, SM has really good points in her post, that I had never really considered, about the "story" that some MM need to tell themselves. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted July 28, 2007 Share Posted July 28, 2007 I don't believe for the most part that the MM you have experience with are the ones that have drifted into a relationship that "got out of hand", and at the same time, I think that often those men are the ones that hereandnow is referring to. Maybe not what hereandnow is referring to...but bottom line, most MMs have the same 'reasons' to cheat... They're not all cereal cheaters...but I do believe that once they tasted the 'excitement' of another woman...they get quite addicted. Cherios! Link to post Share on other sites
outofdarkness Posted July 28, 2007 Share Posted July 28, 2007 I don't believe for the most part that the MM you have experience with are the ones that have drifted into a relationship that "got out of hand", and at the same time, I think that often those men are the ones that hereandnow is referring to. Maybe not what hereandnow is referring to...but bottom line, most MMs have the same 'reasons' to cheat... They're not all cereal cheaters...but I do believe that once they tasted the 'excitement' of another woman...they get quite addicted. Cherios! You hit the nail on the head...Many MM's ARE ADDICTS...SEX ADDICTS...You can convince yourself otherwise but facts are facts..You're most likely just another notch in his belt if you're dealing w/ a serial cheater...Used just like the W... Link to post Share on other sites
Meaplus3 Posted July 28, 2007 Share Posted July 28, 2007 Sure they do. If a MM tells the OW that he is staying for a reason that can't be questioned (like his kids or finances or a crazy wife), he doesn't have to answer the obvious question that any OW would ask. Which is: If you love your wife why did you have sex with me? Or, why did you tell me you love me if you love your wife? Most MM just want an easy out from the affair. Herenow, The mm I had an ea and slight pa with told me he loved his wife. The man still contiuned to play me like a fool, this went one for 18 mornth's. I think in my mm's case he's fooling himself that he loves her. He seem's to be very much in love with the material aspect of their marriage along with the "I am living the American Dream" thing. I think he backed away from our ea because he realized he would never get away with a full blown pa, since I happen to live nextdoor BTW my therapist agrees' with me fully on this point. I don't feel that a mm who get's involved in an ea or a truely loves his wife, cause if that love was so deep, he would not feel the need to disrespect the one he claims to love by having an ea or A. AP:) Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted July 28, 2007 Share Posted July 28, 2007 You hit the nail on the head...Many MM's ARE ADDICTS...SEX ADDICTS...You can convince yourself otherwise but facts are facts..You're most likely just another notch in his belt if you're dealing w/ a serial cheater...Used just like the W... some are, some are not sex addicts... I could be another notch in his belt, who cares... I don't cause to be honest with you... I am not sure who's 'using' who... Link to post Share on other sites
Meaplus3 Posted July 28, 2007 Share Posted July 28, 2007 some are, some are not sex addicts... I could be another notch in his belt, who cares... I don't cause to be honest with you... I am not sure who's 'using' who... Lizzie, I don't mean to be rude here but do you have any moral's at all? AP:) Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted July 28, 2007 Share Posted July 28, 2007 Lizzie, I don't mean to be rude here but do you have any moral's at all? AP:) according to a lot of people... If calling the shots and living my life the way I want is having no morals then I don't... But, you see, I don't live my life according to other people. and I don't see the need to apologize... Link to post Share on other sites
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