jeannette Posted July 27, 2007 Share Posted July 27, 2007 I have been with my partner for 7 years now, living together for 4 years. We have two children together and two children from his previous relationship living with us. I have taken on his two children as my own and they even call me Mum.We are in every way living as a married couple. I have always wanted to get married but, did not want to be the one who raised the subject because I wanted him to take the initiative and propose to me. It has been on my mind for quite some time and at christmas or a birthdays I always open my present hoping for a ring but, get a pair of earings instead. However, I have grown tired of waiting and discussed the matter with him recently. His response was devastating to me. He is not interested in getting married. He made comments like 'we are ok as we are, we do not need a piece of paper, I don't want to be divorced twice, we can't afford it' etc. I want to spend the rest of my life with this man and I love him very much. I want to call myself his wife and not his girlfriend. I want to take our relationship that step further and I feel that getting married would do that. I want everyone to see that we are serious and are forever and I want to make that commitment. Sadly, he doesn't. He does get enoyed when I refer to him as my boyfriend though, wanting me to call him my partner and when he is asked by other people if he is married he says yes. He has been married before. So his is capable of making that commitment but, just not to me. I am wondering what is wrong with me, why doesn't he love me enough to marry me, does he see us as forever. I don't know. I don't want to be with someone who doesn't love me the same way as I love them, it needs to be equal. I have to put my children first though, I am not in a position to give any ultimatum because of them. What should I do? I need advice. Please help! Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted July 27, 2007 Share Posted July 27, 2007 I'm with him on this one... I will never get married, never did, never will... He feels he is married, why can't you just be happy like he is? I was common-law 18 yrs.. I called him my husband, he called me his wife... The piece of paper doesn't make your relationship any better... Just relax, be happy stop worrying for a 'contract - piece of crap'. Link to post Share on other sites
Lynna Posted July 27, 2007 Share Posted July 27, 2007 I understand where you are coming from. I was not willing to just live with someone forever, that was too insecure for me. I wanted the committment. To me that meant that we were both sure that we wanted to be together, that we were willing to try and make this thing work through all trials and tribulations of life. Yes, it is a contract, but a contract of LOVE. It is a special thing. But, yes, not everyone needs that. You should consider MC, even though you are not married, you are as good as so I am sure you can find couples counseling. He needs to understand why this is such an important issue to you, what it means to you. It is more than just a piece of paper, it represents security, committment, and love. Counseling might be able to help you both understand the other person's viewpoint and find a way to help you both be comfortable and happy with whatever decision you do make. You might also consider talking to him about a prenuptial agreement - maybe that would make him feel more comfortable with the idea of being married. Ultimately, you need to decide whether you are willing to compromise on this. Are you willing to NEVER be married. Can you be happy with what you have? Do you feel that you and your children will always have the support you need in case something happens? Speaking of which, there are a lot of legal benefits to being married that you are both missing out on right now that maybe he has not considered. I don't know what they are in your area, but I know in some places if you are not legally married then you may need to have powers of attorney in case of a medical situation in which your partner will need to make decisions for you. You will also need to make wills to ensure that your partner is supported in the case of your death. I hope you are able to talk with your partner about this. Don't argue, talk. Really consider MC, this is a serious issue because if you keep repressing how you feel about it, it could lead to future unhappiness in your relationship. Deal with it sooner, rather than later. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
VIP Posted July 27, 2007 Share Posted July 27, 2007 I have been with my partner for 7 years now, living together for 4 years. We have two children together and two children from his previous relationship living with us. I think if people live together, it doesn't necessarily mean that they want to get married. Did this not bother you before, when you decided to have children with this man? I have always wanted to get married but, did not want to be the one who raised the subject because I wanted him to take the initiative and propose to me. Why not? I would raise the subject before I got serious with anybody, because I wouldn't want to waste my time in case he is not planning to marry. I don't want to be divorced twice, we can't afford it' etc. Sounds like he doesn't want to pay child support no matter what. Why do the children from his previous relationship live with him and not their mother? I want everyone to see that we are serious and are forever I don't know why it is important what everybody else think. Frankly, I don't think anybody cares one way or another. As far as forever, how do you know for sure that your love will last forever? He has been married before. So his is capable of making that commitment but, just not to me. May be he learned from that unfortunate experience, that marriage is not forever. I don't want to be with someone who doesn't love me the same way as I love them, it needs to be equal. I have to put my children first though, I am not in a position to give any ultimatum because of them. So you don't want to be with someone who doesn't love you the same, but you will stay anyway. Is that because children need a father, or because they need financial support? Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted July 27, 2007 Share Posted July 27, 2007 I have always wanted to get married but, did not want to be the one who raised the subject because I wanted him to take the initiative and propose to me. I don't know. I don't want to be with someone who doesn't love me the same way as I love them, it needs to be equal. I'm sorry to say this but it's too late for "equal". He's getting his way and you're not. If you always wanted to get married then the marriage should have been established before you had his babies. You should have made your needs known way back when. I think in your case an ultimatum is the only thing left to do since you can't go back and re-write history and make it turn out the way you'd like. All you have is today. Starting now. And what you do today changes what happens tomorrow. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jeannette Posted July 27, 2007 Author Share Posted July 27, 2007 I think if people live together, it doesn't necessarily mean that they want to get married. Did this not bother you before, when you decided to have children with this man? Our first child was not planned but, we were very pleased at the time. It did not bother me at the time because I felt that if, in time, things between us progressed and we continued to be happy together then marrige would come naturally. I happen to feel that 7 years is a reasonable amount of time to make a decision about marriage. Why not? I would raise the subject before I got serious with anybody, because I wouldn't want to waste my time in case he is not planning to marry. I don't see our time together as a waste. I love him and I am happy with him and our children. This is why I would like to become his wife. I am disappointed, yes, but that's not to say I regret anything. Sounds like he doesn't want to pay child support no matter what. Why do the children from his previous relationship live with him and not their mother? The children from his previous relationship are with us because their mother abandoned them. She left them with him for another man and has since started a new family. She is the one who does not pay child support. I don't know why it is important what everybody else think. Frankly, I don't think anybody cares one way or another. As far as forever, how do you know for sure that your love will last forever? True. But, I think that our love has stood the test of time and getting married is not by force. May be he learned from that unfortunate experience, that marriage is not forever. His previous relationship should have no bearing on what happens between him and me. So you don't want to be with someone who doesn't love you the same, but you will stay anyway. Is that because children need a father, or because they need financial support? I would not, for my own selfish end, deprive my children of a relationship with their father. And it's not because they need financial support. I am quite capable of supporting myself and my children, thank you very much. I find your comments ignorent and unhelpful and as much as I felt the need not to justify myself or my situation I feel that you ought to know in future to ask these sort of questions without the judgement first. I do not expect or want a reply to this either. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted July 28, 2007 Share Posted July 28, 2007 I find your comments ignorent and unhelpful and as much as I felt the need not to justify myself or my situation I feel that you ought to know in future to ask these sort of questions without the judgement first. I do not expect or want a reply to this either. Jeanette: This is an advice forum. Sometimes you'll get advice you don't agree with, but that doesn't mean the person that offered it is judgemental, ignorant or unhelpful. Sometimes it just means that they have a different point of view . To a casual observer, it would seem that 7 years (and two kids ) would have given him plenty of time to marry you if he were so inclined. You seem somewhat skeptical of the reasons he gives - do you not think he is being truthful when he says that he feels that marriage won't change or improve your relationship? He might be right ... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 28, 2007 Share Posted July 28, 2007 You're common-law, that's married in eyes of the Law. 7 years, yes, you're CL. Get Wills drawn up! What counts though is your life together. He doesn't want to get married again as he's been there, done that and what he is offering you is a good life as things are now. You two have children together, so that actually BONDS you more than marriage does. Give it some time and think abit more...I just hope you don't throw away your life as it is because he doesn't want to get married again... Link to post Share on other sites
BabyPhoenix Posted July 28, 2007 Share Posted July 28, 2007 You're common-law, that's married in eyes of the Law. 7 years, yes, you're CL. This is no longer true in most states. Check your local laws. Where I live, you have to have had a legal document drawn up in order to be considered domestic partners, or "commom law". Link to post Share on other sites
memee1978 Posted August 21, 2007 Share Posted August 21, 2007 he game me the excuse im not ready.we lived together 10 years 2 kids.guess what happened he didnt stop his cheating,or having an affair.i kicked him out finally and hes still messing around with the same girl.i wish i hadnt waited so long but i had to move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Cad Rake Posted August 22, 2007 Share Posted August 22, 2007 Common law marriage is no longer valid in almost all states. Ask yourself this: what would he gain by marrying you that he doesn't already have? The answer, it appears, is nothing. You must keep in mind that just because YOU want something doesn't mean HE wants it. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts