Unleashing the inner dark side...

[Madeline]

I have always been an independant thinker. 8 months ago, however, I met a man who I fell desparately and madly in love with. He has very strong political, religious, and social views, and I find myself being drawn into his world. He is the leader of a radical right wing political group and although I never involved myself in that side of his life before, I have found myself being influenced by his beliefs. I do agree with the majority of his sentiments at some level so it has been easy for me to be swept up by his radicalism. I found myself cursing someone the other day who a year ago I would have embraced as a friend. I know this is wrong but i can't seperate my love for him from this influence. My family have rejected him (and hence me) because of his position so I am now more dependant on him than ever. I love him and i don't want to leave him. But he will not understand if I stay in the background and don't vent my anger about certain things in the world. I feel helpless!

[Tony T]

This is the farthest thing from love there can be. When the object of infatuation sucks you in so strongly that you become a person you aren't, radically so, relationship becomes poison and more pathology than love.

 

Falling desperately and madly in love with a person like this is highly suspect and not normal, especially in a short time. That's why I have called it pathology.

 

Subconsciously, you feel compelled to take on this man's beliefs and demeanor for fear of losing him. In time, when the chemicals in your brain which have blinded you to things about him you would ordinarilly be repulsed by neutralize, you will be very embarassed and angered by what you have done to yourself.

 

In psychology, this is called "mirroring." Everybody does it...but thankfully not so many fall in love with eccentric radical activists. In mirroring, people tend to take on the ideas, behavior, beliefs and general demeanor of the love object in order to ensure acceptance and the return of love. People tend to notice only the commonalities and not acknowledge the areas of disagreement. That comes later once you get off cloud nine.

 

This relationship will not work in the long run because you are not now the person you really are. But in time, once the chemistry of love diminishes...and it is impossible for it to stay way up there for a long period...you will strongly reject this man. Hopefully YOU will take responsiblity for changing yourself and creating a false self system and not put the blame on him.

 

Charismatic leaders have a charisma that is irresistable. Charles Manson was able to convince his followers to kill. So was Adolf Hitler. So is Saddam Hussein. I'm not comparing your guy to them but there are some humans who have such compelling psychological features that they can drive humans to do things they would never normally do.

 

My own personal experience with such situations as yours is that women often fall in love with persons they are absolutely certain their parents will hate in order to retaliate against their parents for past abuse or unfair treatment...or as a matter of asserting their own authority as being superior to the parents. If that was your goal, conscious or subconscious, you were successful.

 

In any case, I promise you this will not last. No man who sucks you into a life that would not normally be of your chosing will not keep your heart forever...unless he is a sociopath and your psychological makeup is such that you must have that kind of leadership.

 

What frightens me is that you said you were becomming dependent on him because of the absense of your parents. You sound insightful enough not to let this dependence become so strong you cna't extricate yourself from it. You might read some books on cults to learn just how this principle works and how people get sucked into the crap of cult leaders. It happens every day....just like what happened to you. Matter of fact, many of these cult leaders have multiple female followers with whom they have romance, sex, etc. I'm not saying you're in a cult but your situation is very similar.

 

If you have, in fact, screwed your life for all time and lost yourself in this guy forever, I am so terribly sorry and my day will be ruined.

 

If your guy were to see this post, he would easily discredit the information with you because you are extremely vulnerable in your love state right now. Give it some time...but, sadly, you will have a lot of healing to do.

 

May all good and proper thoughts be with you.