Am I being naive?

[norajane]

I used to be firm at my beliefs that feeling shouldn't be involved when I first met my OW. However time after time we care for each other, we share many similarities, and we found each other on ourselves.

 

I realize the reality tat both of us were married but as time goes by, we are become more and more attracted to one another. The more time I spend thinking of this OW, the less time I spend thinking of my wife. I know that what I'm doing is wrong, but it feels that right. Now my possessiveness are consuming me badly, I can't sleep, can't eat, can't think anything but her, LITERALLY.

 

I can't let her go, head over heels, literally, but I just in love with this woman. Is it just fantasy that took over my head? Will it become reality? any suggestion how to stop seeing wth less pain?

 

Believe me, I tried, but to no avail.

 

Oh, yes, this is fantasy that has taken over. A fantasy of what things would be like IF you were really together, not a pleasure and joy in what you actually have NOW. Your fantasy is what you are in love with, not the reality of who this woman is: a married woman with a husband and child that she is not interested in leaving for you.

 

Also consider the 'forbidden fruit' syndrome. Perhaps you are so obssessed with this OW because you cannot have her. Consider if your wife came home tomorrow and told you SHE was having an affair and wanted to leave YOU. Perhaps you would suddenly become obsessed with having your wife back because you no longer 'had' her, because you no longer were taking her and her love for you for granted? There was a man here a short while ago who had that same experience - he was certain he didn't want her anymore, but when she left him, oh my, he saw things a bit differently. Don't be too sure of what you think you are feeling - you are neither objective nor rational right now.

 

Why not try marriage counseling to rebuild your marriage? If you've been in this affair for a year, then you only had 2 years of marriage before you strayed. It can take quite a bit of adjustment to the realities of married life before you are in harmony with each other. And consider that falling in love and getting married is only one step toward real, long lasting love - the kind that matters, the kind that can only develop over TIME, time you did not give at all before running off to play with someone who also did not give her marriage any time.

 

Isn't that what your marriage vows were for - a promise to stick together and work through the rough times? Isn't that what this is: a rough time? Why did you bail on your wife at the first sign of trouble? Why didn't you turn to her honestly and tell her how you were feeling and ask her how SHE is feeling and if there were some way to work on this and weather the storm and come out stronger? Why did you abandon your vows after only 2 years without even TRYING to work on your marriage?

 

Don't you think your wife might be having some issues of her own? She is a new wife, and a new mother, and you are off galavanting around with someone else..don't you think she's noticed your absences? Don't you think she sees that you are less interested in your own home and in her? Don't you think she might resent you for being so distant while you're mooning over some other woman? Don't you think she might feel neglected? Don't you think she's noticed that you haven't even tried to behave with her like you used to when you fell in love and asked her to marry you? Why not talk to your own wife, the mother of your child? Maybe if you treated her in the way you used to, she would treat you in the way she used to, and maybe, just maybe, you'd reconnect and find the 'in love' again.

 

YOU HAVE NOT EVEN TRIED.

[Tomcat33]

Hey Puberty just wanted to add that so many men feel the way you do once they start an affair. They claim to stay in the marriage out of pity, of course people will try to find other reasons for your lack of decision but let's call a spade a spade, you don't feel pity you feel fear. You are fearful that you will give up something that you are not that sure of but isn't that bad for another thing that feels really good now and you are also unsure of.

Bottom line, in life you have to take risks and you have to lose to win. So either let the OW go and focus on your M starting now or go for it.

 

Make up your mind because I can guarantee you even if you cut the OW out of your life you will be tormented by her memories and you will stagnate in that frame of mind for a very long time. Is that fair to your W? I think not.

 

My exMM went back to his W because of pitty, he had to "do the right thing" is what his conscience told him after the fact. Wish he would have used his conscience when he was meeting my family and making empty promises living on his own and dating me but that's another show all together....we are 4 months post break up and every so many weeks he will contact me to remind me he is deep in despair missing me, he cannot move past, yearning to be with me and only thinking of me day and night. He is 100% miserable. I have reached a point where I can see his emails as a mild a musement but I have given up on him, my heart is closing for good and I have stopped responding for quite some time now. If he can't get over me he will suffer doubly down the road all the while he is spending this time stuck in a rut of what we could have had and not making his mind up and especially not staying true to his promise to his W, but that is their problem now.

 

You think it's bad now? Wait until you break it off with the OW for good, it's going to get much worse esp if you are not in love with your W.

 

I think you need to make some decisions while it's still time otherwise kiss your days of sanity goodbye for a very long time.

 

good luck in whatever you decide, you are truly living in hell right now, I know trust me...I pity your situation.

[whichwayisup]

Also consider the 'forbidden fruit' syndrome. Perhaps you are so obssessed with this OW because you cannot have her. Consider if your wife came home tomorrow and told you SHE was having an affair and wanted to leave YOU. Perhaps you would suddenly become obsessed with having your wife back because you no longer 'had' her, because you no longer were taking her and her love for you for granted? There was a man here a short while ago who had that same experience - he was certain he didn't want her anymore, but when she left him, oh my, he saw things a bit differently. Don't be too sure of what you think you are feeling - you are neither objective nor rational right now.

 

There was also an OW, sorry, can't remember her username but her MM was back and forth between her and his wife, apparently they were separted, but still sort of together - He couldn't make a choice whether to end it or not - But the kicker is, his wife ended the marriage completely as she had met someone else and wanted out. I remember reading the OW who posted her situation was confused as to now how the MM was feeling and if she was really what he wanted.

 

Does anyone else remember, and if so, who was the OW?

[Tomcat33]

As to the addiction analogy ask yourself this:

 

do you enjoy the feeling of the affiar

 

or

 

do you enjoy the feeling you have when you are with her because of her.

 

 

You know what love feels like...surely you can make a distinction between what feels real and what doesn't

[whichwayisup]

Make up your mind because I can guarantee you even if you cut the OW out of your life you will be tormented by her memories and you will stagnate in that frame of mind for a very long time. Is that fair to your W? I think not.

 

And if he cuts his wife out, focuses just on the OW, he WILL be haunted of thoughts and memories, guilt of his marriage and his vows.

 

This affair of his is all based on the good stuff an affair brings and he can't think straight.

 

But, sooner or later P, you gotta make a choice. It's unfair to your wife and family to live a double life, lying daily and betraying everyone. Plus, I'm sure your wife knows something is up as you say you've been focussing on your OW so much, your wife MUST be noticing your distance, both emotionally and physically.

 

Go talk to a therapist if you need to, and keep posting here. Tons of people in your situation can help you.

[Tomcat33]

And if he cuts his wife out, focuses just on the OW, he WILL be haunted of thoughts and memories, guilt of his marriage and his vows.

 

 

 

Well I don't know how much his vows and momories of marriage will haunt him given he has no problem not focusing on that while he is with the OW now...so if his actions now are any indication of his concerns for his vows....

[whichwayisup]

His history and all what he had with his wife, is what I meant. Why do you think so many MM end up back home after afew months? They realize what they once thought was "it" with the OW, wasn't "it", and end up realizing they had "it" all along....Unfortunately too many get hurt due to his indecision and inability to keep it in his pants.

[Tomcat33]

His history and all what he had with his wife, is what I meant. Why do you think so many MM end up back home after afew months? They realize what they once thought was "it" with the OW, wasn't "it", and end up realizing they had "it" all along....Unfortunately too many get hurt due to his indecision and inability to keep it in his pants.

 

 

I think a lot of men go back because they don't have the cojones to risk leaving the comfy life for the unknown. For the same "pitty" Puberty is speaking of, it is all about material comforts and less about the W.

 

Sorry but if it takes leading an extended double life with another woman, for years sharing your heart and your body and your emotions and your time to realise you actually "care"for your W afterall...I think there is something really wrong. That person doesn't even know what caring about another human being is.

 

That is such a lame excuse. I can think back to all the things wrong I did in my past relationships and in hinesight and what I have learned from my consequent ones i could go back and do it right the second time around...what we learn from new people in our lives can always be compared back to how we did things in our pasts and it can make us see past scenarios as not that bad, but the difference is if I were to go back to a past rel, I didn't have to destroy one of those men to come to the realisation I loved them afterall....That's nonesense. If you cross the boundaries to explore a full on new relationship with someone else you have no regards for who you are with. That's why I don't beleive in taking back a person who cheats. You cheat it's DONE. There is no going back because your heart has changed for good forever.

[Mino]

You are so right Tomcat, they are just weak cowards when it come down. But they rather sweep it under the carpet and go back to the prentend marriage:sick:

[Meaplus3]

I think a lot of men go back because they don't have the cojones to risk leaving the comfy life for the unknown. For the same "pitty" Puberty is speaking of, it is all about material comforts and less about the W.

 

Sorry but if it takes leading an extended double life with another woman, for years sharing your heart and your body and your emotions and your time to realise you actually "care"for your W afterall...I think there is something really wrong. That person doesn't even know what caring about another human being is.

 

That is such a lame excuse. I can think back to all the things wrong I did in my past relationships and in hinesight and what I have learned from my consequent ones i could go back and do it right the second time around...what we learn from new people in our lives can always be compared back to how we did things in our pasts and it can make us see past scenarios as not that bad, but the difference is if I were to go back to a past rel, I didn't have to destroy one of those men to come to the realisation I loved them afterall....That's nonesense. If you cross the boundaries to explore a full on new relationship with someone else you have no regards for who you are with. That's why I don't beleive in taking back a person who cheats. You cheat it's DONE. There is no going back because your heart has changed for good forever.

 

Tom, I just love your thought's!

 

I think a lot of men go back because they don't have the cojones to risk leaving the comfy life for the unknown. For the same "pitty" Puberty is speaking of, it is all about material comforts and less about the W.

 

I so believe this is the case with MM. He grew up very poor. His W makes more Money than him and he reap's the bene's so to speak from her. It's all about material's vs true love and meaning. Comfort vs the unknown. So mm's wife might lack the attraction and attention that he so desires, but hey he will stay because he is the "Master" of getting his need's on the side in which ever way he choose's via a ea or pa. Make sense?

 

AP:)

[norajane]

You are so right Tomcat, they are just weak cowards when it come down. But they rather sweep it under the carpet and go back to the prentend marriage:sick:

 

Personally, I think they are cowards when they try to escape from the realities of marriage by having an affair.

 

I think they are selfish cowards when they marry having NO CONCEPT of what marriage means, the depth of commitment they are making, the mutual trust and responsibility required, and the decency and discipline of love...the discipline that is attendant with knowing that they are no longer free to act as they please because they can't shake off the knowledge that their EVERY action affects their wife, and in this case, a very young child.

 

How does this man know that his "love" for this OW isn't really a fear that comes from being a husband and new father? Is he feeling neglected that his wife has to be a mom and can't focus all her attention on him? Is he feeling like she's 'let herself go' since the baby came and isn't wearing sexy lingerie and perfume for him every night? Does he resent his wife for having to deal with exhaustion from getting up in the middle of the night to feed and change the baby, while also having to do laundry and make dinner and make sure his shirts are back from they dry cleaner so he can look good at work...for his OW?

 

Is he caught up in the OW because their time together is very focused on paying attention to each other without the distraction of real life and real children? Is he being a child and being afraid of the responsibility of what he signed up for - being a husband and father? THAT makes MM a coward in my eyes.

[Tomcat33]

I so believe this is the case with MM. He grew up very poor. His W makes more Money than him and he reap's the bene's so to speak from her. It's all about material's vs true love and meaning. Comfort vs the unknown. So mm's wife might lack the attraction and attention that he so desires, but hey he will stay because he is the "Master" of getting his need's on the side in which ever way he choose's via a ea or pa. Make sense?

 

AP:)

 

BINGO! and like that case there are a thousand other cases where there are other vested interests to go back and it has so little to do with EURIKA I DO love her afterall!

 

Gimme a break, these guys didn't have time to shop around and compare before they got married? Before they vowed to commit to one person for the rest of their lives? Before they decided they were done playing the single field and wanted a monogamous tie with one special woman? Puberty is 3 yrs into his marriage and one year of that marriage is spent in love with another woman. Now tell me he will stay because he NOW realised he actually cares about his W. What a load of crap!

 

My guy was three years into his marriage too, no kids because so he says he had hessitations about bringing kids into the picture. C'mon! A young couple in their 30's newlyweds and together for almost 10 yrs in total, ahhhh why aren't they having kids? Because he needed to move out and test drive another relationship with another woman to realise he does love his W? And the best part is HE cant let go, he is the one doomed still lying to his W contacting me to to let me know how bad his life is.

 

The bottom line is that these men don't know how to love, they lack courage they lack decision they lack focus and most importantly they lack dignitiy. These men will NEVER be satisfied unless they make a decision and stand firm by it. A waffler gets NOWHERE but deeper into his own doom. And that's where Puberty is headed if he doesn't pull up his pants and make a choice for what he beleives in. If it's W cut out the crap and buckle down and stop screwing around, but we all know THAT won't happen.

 

So me in the betrayed seat I say "you had courage to step out and live out an entire new relationship behind my back"LET'S NOT DOWN PLAY THINGS these men live out a FULL ON RELATIONSHIPS with another woman for years, then I say "Bonne Voyage...may your courage take you far and may you never look back and realise what you had to find out through the destruction of what we had, because that will be a very sad day for you and I will NOT be there to catch your fall."

 

 

End of story.

[puberty]

After a while, I decide to start again. First I like to say thanks to all who gave me support instead of tons of chastise such as tomcat33 and lonelybird. I dunno what's wrong with you, perhaps you've been mistreated or your former H was leaving for someone far more attractive than you. I suggest you not assume things when you have no idea what you're talking about. If you don't have anything intelligent and constructive to say, then refrain yourself from commenting and I suggest you follow your own advice. This is after all a cheater forum and politics don't belong here. There are plenty discussion sites where politics are the main dish.

 

 

To norajane, noIdidn't, businesssocks, quannkane; Big learning curve happening here. Can't buy you a beer in person, but I'll have one for you tomorrow. Thanks.

 

My hat is off to you too, ladyjane14. Very relieving.

 

I'm glad I registered here. I'm getting to know stuff here about my car as well as while driving.

 

I rest my case and will no longer reply to this thread.

[Ladyjane14]

I'm not too clear on what you meant by "decided to start again".

Does that mean you're reinvesting in your marriage?

 

Just in case it does... I want to pass along this thought. Another LS member, Moose, used to post it frequently and it's such an intriguing way of looking at a problem that I bookmarked it. *Thanks Moose!*

 

The Story of Two Wolves

 

An Older Cherokee man is teaching his Grandson about life. "A fight is going on inside me," he says to the boy. "it is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves".

 

One is Evil. He is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, selfishness, arrogance, self pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority and ego.

 

The other is good. He is LOVE, joy, peace, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith.

 

"This same fight is going on inside you and inside every other person". The Grandson thinks about this for a minute and then asks his Grandfather, "Which wolf will win?"

 

The old Cherokee replies, "the one you feed”.

 

It's entirely possible to feed a chosen mindset and starve a conflicting one. It takes diligence and self-control to keep from sliding into old thought patterns that aren't serving your purpose though.

 

Mind over matter.

 

Oh... and whatever you decided, do try to treat your wife as you, yourself, would want to be treated. It's hard to go wrong when you're following The Golden Rule.

 

Good luck.

[lonelybird]

After a while, I decide to start again. First I like to say thanks to all who gave me support instead of tons of chastise such as tomcat33 and lonelybird. .

I never married before, I just don't like unfaithful and weak man, that's all

 

and wanted to warn you beforehand that adulterer cannot enter heaven, I think I am out of good motive:(