T/J Telling the BS of the OW/OM?

[NoIDidn't]

Yep.. got your point now.

 

And then I think well ok... let's go back to my other point... what about the OW who has 'info'... but it's 'not her place' to reveal it. Where does the OW's rights to sharing info come in..?

 

See that's where this thread will likely turn into who's place and who's rights.

 

I am a "don't want to know" kind of person. For many reasons. I got my own dirt that I wouldn't want my H to know (how much money I spent on my shoes, for instance - men are weird creatures in that something like that is a betrayal to them LOL). But if he asked for the truth, I would tell him.

 

I don't like strange phone calls about scandalous info from a likely stranger. So I won't say the OW has no place to tell me, but I don't want to hear it from a stranger and certainly if I am not emotionally prepared for such info. Of course, I don't get to have that much control IRL, but I can dream right.

 

For me its not so much that the person telling is the OW, its that I probably don't know them or their true motives. Which can also be said of the BS telling the unknowing BS too.

[frannie]

See that's where this thread will likely turn into who's place and who's rights.

 

I am a "don't want to know" kind of person. For many reasons. I got my own dirt that I wouldn't want my H to know (how much money I spent on my shoes, for instance - men are weird creatures in that something like that is a betrayal to them LOL). But if he asked for the truth, I would tell him.

 

I don't like strange phone calls about scandalous info from a likely stranger. So I won't say the OW has no place to tell me, but I don't want to hear it from a stranger and certainly if I am not emotionally prepared for such info. Of course, I don't get to have that much control IRL, but I can dream right.

 

For me its not so much that the person telling is the OW, its that I probably don't know them or their true motives. Which can also be said of the BS telling the unknowing BS too.

 

Yes... and I'm a 'do want to know'.

 

And the fact is... that another person, whether they're married to someone my SO has been cheating with or not... well, they just don't know whether the BS is like you, or like me.

 

So what gives them the 'right' to call and let it all out..? Only their own selfish needs, I would guess. Which (I think) was the point of the thread.

[NoIDidn't]

Yes... and I'm a 'do want to know'.

 

And the fact is... that another person, whether they're married to someone my SO has been cheating with or not... well, they just don't know whether the BS is like you, or like me.

 

So what gives them the 'right' to call and let it all out..? Only their own selfish needs, I would guess. Which (I think) was the point of the thread.

 

To which it has also been said, who's to say that they can't have their selfish needs met now? The OP/WS got theirs met, why not the BS now? What is so wrong about telling the other betrayed that they have, in fact, been betrayed? Like I said before, the worst that could happen is that they could be told that the person preferred not to know, so thanks, but no thanks.

 

But that is why I say that the conversation always ends up in a circle. Can someone offer an alternative to telling or not telling which doesn't call either person in the quadrangle (if all are M) or triangle (if only one M'd couple is involved) 'selfish'?

 

Why even call a BS selfish when apparently they haven't been getting their needs met by the A? That's confusing. They are selfish just because they choose to tell? How is that as bad as being cheated on?

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Not to argue right and wrong as that concept is not "allowed" on this board, but I can tell you from my prospective how a BS might feel.

 

ANYONE who chooses to plot against me and and whose actions in anyway effect my life in a negative way because their "emotional needs" justify their actions can ALWAYS expect the same in return from ME.

 

I have not contacted the OW in my case nor do I intend to. Don't have a need to tell her how I feel, don't imagine that would have an inpact on someone as selfish as her. My 19 yo on the other hand feels differently. SHE wants a face to face, "let me tell you how your involvement has effected what were supposed to be the best years of my childhood". She has had this with her dad which she deserved. I also believe that she deserves to confront the person who helped to hurt her BUT she since she wants a face to face I have forbid her from seeking her out at the moment as DD would like to and likely rip every hair in her head out. She's that angry at EVERYONE!

 

That said, if I have the opportunity to return the favor, meaning effect her life in a negative way, you BET I'll take it! If she was married, I'ld tell her spouse in a heart beat. WTF do I care who is hurt by it, I'm now playing by THEIR rules now. I wasn't put on this earth to take sh*t and not to give it back.

 

How does one condone their own actions against another person yet not expect any retaliation. (that to me speaks worlds of the feelings of self entitlement in OW.) I can promise you that this woman has made and enemy that she doesn't want. I WILL within the constraints of the law get mine eventually. Luckily I have the patience to wait until the right time and the time will come, I'm certain of that. If you don't want ME as an enemy, don't **** with me!

 

Which is why I say that OW/OM should pick their BS's carefully. And save the revenge/vengence is wrong speeches, I would never inact revenge on someone that was underserving of my time!

 

The rules that have been established in this scenario by MM/OW are to do what makes you happy and who cares who else it hurts. I can play by those rules as well as long as I KNOW that those are the rules. Unfortunately neither the OW nor the MM wants BS's to play by their own rules because those rules take away their power of choice.

 

My daughters first reaction was to go to OW's daughter and tell her "what kind of woman her mother was". It took me hours to explain how hurting her was not ok. I would have made it her choice though if OW's DD had been an adult but she is only around 14, just one year older than her mother was when she had her. This child's life has been hard enough but thats not MY problem. I never promised them anything, didn't make vows to them. It's not MY responsibility to protect them from the consequences of OW's actions.

[eleanorrigby]

To which it has also been said, who's to say that they can't have their selfish needs met now? The OP/WS got theirs met, why not the BS now? What is so wrong about telling the other betrayed that they have, in fact, been betrayed? Like I said before, the worst that could happen is that they could be told that the person preferred not to know, so thanks, but no thanks.

amen.. why is it OK for some to wallow in and indulge their selfish needs but not the betrayed spouse?

[NoIDidn't]

How does one condone their own actions against another person yet not expect any retaliation. (that to me speaks worlds of the feelings of self entitlement in OW.)

 

Which is why I say that OW/OM should pick their BS's carefully. And save the revenge/vengence is wrong speeches, I would never inact revenge on someone that was underserving of my time!

 

The rules that have been established in this scenario by MM/OW are to do what makes you happy and who cares who else it hurts. I can play by those rules as well as long as I KNOW that those are the rules. Unfortunately neither the OW nor the MM wants BS's to play by their own rules because those rules take away their power of choice.

 

 

IWWH

 

I quoted the stuff that I agree with completely. I may not want to know, but once I do know, what I do with that information is MY business, KWIM? And if the OP or MP didn't want me to have that info to act on, they should not have done what they did.

[child_of_isis]

Truthfully, I think it is all about accountability. Of course the OW doesn't want the BS busting her out to her H.

 

She doesn't want to be held accountable for her actions.

 

Those who have A's have responsibility issues anyway. They are always placing blame everywhere but themselves.

 

Blaming BW for being sexless, H for working too hard,...blah blah blah.

 

I think they develope a victim mentality and have their own bitter and revengeful thing going on. Then they project that onto the BS when she does spill her guts.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

I think they develope a victim mentality and have their own bitter and revengeful thing going on. Then they project that onto the BS when she does spill her guts

 

I actually believe in some/most/many cases that they are victims. That unfortuantely does not excuse their actions. I also am a victim. I aslo am responsible for my actions. Fortunately for me though, I don't view MYSELF as a martyr! If someone else mistakes me for that then that's THEIR problem! .

 

I mean, how many OW have had things not work out to their liking and THEN they decide that the man whose wife's and children's lives they have aided to ruin isn't worth it in the first place. Their was ACTUALLY a OW on this forum that speculated on what the WIFE deserved for being married to her MM!:lmao:

 

My husband's OW was 6 years old the year we married, but I guess she would consider that reason for me to deserve her VENGENCE! :lmao:

 

Yeah, right! Just because you think it doesn't make it sane!

[mopar crazy]

The xOW H told me about the A. Even though I heard it from friends he actually had all the info. He showed up at my house one day to talk to me. He had letters, poems, pictures, seen their vehicles parked at the motel. Everything he had on the two of them he told me. I was extremely

grateful that he told me everything. If it wasn't for him I would of probably continued to be in denial until I had more proof of my own.

 

As far as it being right or wrong, I don't care. I appreciated him for coming and telling me what was going on.

[mystic_pizza]

Hmm...this thread has been busy and that's great. Thank you everyone for posting your view points. Obviously the POV's vary from one side to the other, but it is educational at the same time.

[greengoddess]

But people don't necessarily know you feel that way. Well, that is unless you've told them. Would you tell them?

 

I make things pretty clear in my relationships. Everyone I know knows that IF my SO were messing around on me, I'd like to know. In fact, I go into relationships saying to my SO... look, if you feel the relationship isn't going well, tell me, we'll work on it. I'd rather end this than have you cheat on me, and oh, I'll do you the same curtesy.

 

Life would be a lot simpler that way, eh?

 

 

:laugh:that is soooo funny. you are an other woman. Do you not see the humor in your statement.? Talk about denial. He is messing around in the worst way. He is married to someone else.:laugh:

[herenow]

I never had any contact with the OW or anyone she knows or is involved with. I had no reason. I dealt directly with my H since he is the one that I married. The OW had nothing to do with me or my marriage and I made the choice to make her irrelevant. That was MY choice.

 

Having said that, I don't understand why a BW would be wrong to do what ever she wants for whatever reason. The OW did whatever she wanted and didn't think about how the BW would feel, why should the BW care about the OW? If the BW feels like getting involved in the OW's life, so what, that's exactly what the OW did to the BW when she had an affair with her husband.

[frannie]

:laugh:that is soooo funny. you are an other woman. Do you not see the humor in your statement.? Talk about denial. He is messing around in the worst way. He is married to someone else.:laugh:

 

Um, no.

 

I'm talking about honesty, period. If he were involved with a woman I didn't know about, that would be messing around on me. I KNOW what he's up to, yeah..?

[frannie]

I don't understand why a BW would be wrong to do what ever she wants for whatever reason. The OW did whatever she wanted and didn't think about how the BW would feel, why should the BW care about the OW? If the BW feels like getting involved in the OW's life, so what, that's exactly what the OW did to the BW when she had an affair with her husband.

 

Well that would be like the BW behaving like the OW. Which I have no problem with necessarily, as you say you don't. However, it is as well that that's acknowledged for what it is.