A corner turned

[PWSX3]

Here I am! And I'm glad my weekend is over.

 

I feel fresher and more bouncy with his stuff being out of the house. I'm looking forward to doing the decorating and painting that all of you recommend when a partner leaves. I get why it's so important now. It's like putting your stamp on all that is yours and yours alone. I'm not even sad.

I also wondered why woman & men after a divorce they get in better shape, they work at looking good. Isn't that what the other spouse wanted & they never got it???

Well after going threw a separation I can say; you do it because it makes "YOU" feel better & mam painting that house will make you feel so much better.

 

So is there any "purple" in the plans for the house????:D:D Got to love that color!!

 

So does that mean he got his tools???? If so that just isn't right, he doesn't deserve them that's for sure. Tools are for "REAL MEN"!!!!

As tough as this weekend was, I'm so glad that it all played out the way it did. Right now (and I'm sure I'll change a bit as time goes on) I feel collected and confident, positive I can do 'this'. I really needed to see that he's gone and the house being cleared of his cluttered has driven that point home. I must have been holding a small shred of Hope like you suggested, AP, even though my head knew I didn't want him.

 

I ended up driving him to the airport (I know, I know). I was feeling kind of teary and emotional - like the last tie he and I shared as partners (vs. as parents) has been severed with him removing stuff. I wanted to tell him about some of the things I've learned and share my feelings. I nearly had to bite my tongue to stop. I said something to him (not personal, but more personal than the weather) and he barely responded. I didn't want my private thoughts to be out in the air and into a man who doesn't care about me. Y'know? It's like they're more precious than that, to just be bandied about...

 

Earlier we talked about the kids and how carelessly he's treated us - no interest in them, not maintaining the agreements we had verbally chosen to get us through to the legal ones, not keeping his word etc. He said he'd like it to be different, but it's pretty busy out there blah blah blah, and he'd try to do better. I told him that it hurts that he doesn't even feel the need to apologize for how *****ty he's being, and some other emotional things. He shared some of his... Mostly it seems, he just tucks his feelings away so he doesn't need to feel bad.

 

None of this has made a difference as to me wanting him back, so I don't know why I bothered to talk to him like that. I suppose it's since we're going into the legal arena, I needed to give him the one last chance to try and tell me that the kids are important to him, and that he is, in fact, a man somewhere in that body. He only barely succeeded in convincing me, and it was all at my insistence. So, i'll just be watching for the actions, since the words have been spoken but that doesn't mean they're true.

 

Letting in the thoughts of him screwing (what did you call it again, Gunny?) the OW, talking to her the way he used to with me, touching her and being aware that all that went on before he even told me would have made me go ballistic! Since it doesn't serve any purpose to think those thoughts or go ballistic or even be angry, each time they'd creep in I'd push them out. As a result, I feel that he got 'off' too easily. But seriously? Let her have him! I'll leave him off.

As you can see yourself he hasn't learned a thing, he will get what is coming to him sooner or later. He will get tired of that one & then look for another & the cycle will just keep continuing.

It's really sad when people such as yourself work so hard & the other spouse just doesn't care, would rather take the easy road but just think how much better of a person you will be then he will.

 

As for giving him that last chance, that is because you CARE. As my friend asked me; have you done everything you could do in your relationship & I was able to say; NO I hadn't so I've been working at it. If you ask the question you can say; yes I did everything I could do & asking those last questions just proved to yourself that you have done everything & there is nothing else you could do since your X didn't want to do his part & there isn't anything you can do about that....

Thumbs up, you have done a great job & you will be fine!!!!!:bunny:

What an emotional weekend though! I'm so relieved that we've told the kids, and his stuff is out and I'm making plans to finish off the summer painting and organizing *my* house. I'm good. I'm ready. I can handle it and do it all with grace and glee.

 

But you'll totally hear from me again! I'm beginning to see it's an "every day as it comes" sort of process, hm? So maybe tomorrow I won't be so positive! lol

[mammax3]

Hi PWSX3

 

The tools... : ( yes, he took them. But as I go through the house, further decluttering there may be something of interest. I'll pm you what i find! Are you nearby?

[Ladyjane14]

Letting in the thoughts of him screwing (what did you call it again, Gunny?) the OW, talking to her the way he used to with me, touching her and being aware that all that went on before he even told me would have made me go ballistic! Since it doesn't serve any purpose to think those thoughts or go ballistic or even be angry, each time they'd creep in I'd push them out. As a result, I feel that he got 'off' too easily. But seriously? Let her have him! I'll leave him off.

 

I've notice quite a few people in here who wonder if their STBX is just going to keep on truckin' through life, happy as a clam, despite the devastation they've left behind. I caught a post by Badmood the other day who said,

"Nothing that is done in wrong will prosper or go untainted".

 

I agree with that. I can't see how a person can utilize negative energy in their life and expect to achieve positive goals. People can't be truly fulfilled at the level of the soul by means of selfishness and instant gratification. It's a hollow, empty thing which swallows up all their inner light, like a monster devouring them from within. And it cannot be defeated save through rejection of the monster (which is undiluted ego), and resolve to keep one's feet on a better path.

 

I left this post for Ketey last week, and I'll reprint it here for you, although a good portion of it doesn't apply to you. The main point is... that these two selfish cheaters are CHAINED together now, devoid of the freedoms that you may now enjoy in good conscience.

 

He can "claim" whatever he wants... but I figure the odds of his truthfulness are somewhere between winning the jackpot at the lottery and being struck by lightning on a cloudless day.

Sure, it can happen... but it's just not all that likely.

 

Guys don't usually leave a long-standing marriage when there isn't sex in the offing. Based on what you've said here... it's more likely that your husband was having a full blown affair. And since it was a coworker, and he knew there was no way to pass off the old "we just met" gambit, he copped to an EA instead.

 

Now, men will occasionally leave a bad marriage just to get out. In those cases, the marriage is usually REALLY bad, bad enough that the spouse left behind isn't all that "blindsided". A guy like that is living in misery and it shows. He's usually complained a good bit about whatever unmet needs he has and he's probably suggested divorce a few times.

 

These kind of guys are a bit shell-shocked once they extricate themselves, and it's hard to imagine one like that jumping out of the frying pan and into the fire, marrying again after just a few measly months.

 

Nope. I'd say your ex-husband pulled your leg.

 

Here's the good news though... With the right attitude, it's YOU who'll end up being the big winner in this scenario.

 

Cheaters are rarely happy together. The odds are something like 3% that they'll be able to maintain a long-lasting and fulfilling relationship. Sure, they're happy as clams right now. But... the infatuation stage hasn't passed yet. That'll take an estimated 2-4 years.

 

Infatuation is kind of like the seed from which love may grow. It's no guarantee that it will. Cheaters can extend an infatuation period for YEARS when their affair is hidden from view. It's secret and therefore exciting. Once it's exposed to the light of day though, and once the obstacles that were once in their way are hurdled... the excitement dissipates same as it does in any other relationship.

 

Then... here are these two cheaters, with nothing else to do but FINALLY take a good hard look at one another. What's more, they're dealing with the mundane aspects of real life, as well as the fallout from their destroyed families.

 

The adult children usually aren't too pleased with their cheating parents, and the cheating parents are unlikely to LOVE each other's children the way they loved their own. So, if one of OW's adult children moves back in and lays on the couch all day surrounded by empty corn chip bags and pop bottles... it's a whole different experience than it would be if it was his OWN child who he was free to communicate with when he was married to you.

 

He'll hate the idea of her giving them money, or he'll hate that she has a negative comment if he's generous to his own. He'll hate that her grandchildren are always up his butt, and he'll hate it that his own don't spend much time with him. Life is a series of things we both like and dislike... and he will feel his dislikes much more keenly. Familiarity breeds contempt.

 

It's often at this stage of the game where they attempt to keep trouble stirred up with the ex. That provides a little burst of unity, brief remembrances of the time when it was just the two of them against the world.

(And of course at this stage, you NEVER allow them to make YOU into the glue which binds them together, right?)

 

Meanwhile, each one of them REMEMBERS watching the lies spin forth from the other's mouth. They KNOW what their new partner is capable of, and they're wracked with insecurity. Particularly the OW.

 

In order to "win" her cheating man... she had to engage in an unannounced competition with you. She had to beat your time. And in her rivalry, she had to become the opposite of all you were.

 

Cheating men often justify their infidelity on their wife's shortcomings, so he'll have complained to her about you, and she will have had to convince him that she would NEVER do any of the things that you did. So... if his complaint was say...'infrequent sex', she can never say 'no' without wondering if he's making a comparison. If his complaint was 'nagging', she must never nag. And for each and every one of those complaints he might have shared with her... she is now locked in to being the opposite of what you were. She is chained to her own previous advertising claims.

 

Meanwhile, my dear... YOU are free as a bird.

You're free to explore your own interests, free to make time for yourself, free to decorate you home however you like, free to make new friends. You are untethered. You can draw up a list of places you'd like to see or things you'd like to do... and have at. You can change your career, go back to college, join a gym, and take whatever lovers you like.

 

And once you're living your life to the fullest... you will blossom. You will become interesting, vital, dynamic, and tantalizing to a guy who only thought he knew you before. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. And once 'the new car smell' has worn off the OW, he will watch you from afar and wonder "who is that girl?"

 

You know, you see it fairly frequently in marriage-building forums, where the cheater runs off with the OW but a few years later comes sniffing back around his ex. By this time though, the betrayed wife is no longer interested. She's discovered that life is GOOD and that he wasn't worth all the tears and heartache.

 

Meanwhile back at the ranch, the OW (who's already seen his cheating moves) is more insecure than ever, and in trying to hold on to him as he disengages emotionally... forgets that she can NEVER engage in the behaviors that he complained about in regard to you.

 

Now, there are no guarantees or timetables on how an affair marriage will pan out. We had a guy come in here a year or two ago who had left his first wife and married his OW something like 14-15 years earlier. I can't remember if he was cheating again or only just contemplating it, but I do remember that he regretted getting together with her in the first place. Sometimes they'll stay for YEARS out of stubbornness, and because they don't have any place else to go.

 

We also have a guy, who posts in another forum, who's been happily married with his OW for something like 40 years. So it does happen occasionally that it all works out for the affair couple. I think it's pretty rare though. I mean, when you look at the emotional dynamics of a post-affair marriage... the odds are heavily stacked against success.

 

My advice to you dear, is to go ahead and "blossom". Enjoy each and every day to it's fullest, make the changes in yourself you've always wanted to make. Reinvent yourself. Be the woman you always planned to be. Cherish the freedom that you have to do so, particularly in light of the fact that these two cheaters have CHAINED themselves to one another.

 

And... consider buying one of those hot-air corn poppers. You don't want to get fat on microwave popcorn, and these people are going to give you ALOT of cause to just sit back and watch the drama unfold.

 

Pass the salt, please.

[mammax3]

Thanks LJ. I can see how some of that doesn't apply to me, but I totally agree with how I can be free in a way he can't, even with the responisibilities I have I will be freer (in a more soulful way).

 

I'm already feeling that 'blossoming' as I tackle chores around the house I've never done, or I'd always defer to him about. And I'm enjoying it! I don't think I've felt resentful about caring for the house on my own.

 

I like your pass the salt. You guys get to watch with me!

[Gunny376]

Orignally written by Lady Jane

 

Meanwhile, my dear... YOU are free as a bird.

You're free to explore your own interests, free to make time for yourself, free to decorate you home however you like, free to make new friends. You are untethered. You can draw up a list of places you'd like to see or things you'd like to do... and have at. You can change your career, go back to college, join a gym, and take whatever lovers you like.

 

 

Its still early, but once you've planned a bit, thought about it and the full impact has settled in ~ and you come to realize just how you need a man ~ look out!!!!!

[Gunny376]

Sumdude brought the site back up ~ I had putter-crash a week or so ~ and so lost the link. But he posted it in another thread, and I regained it. I thought you might benefit from some the articles ~ so here it is:

 

http://www.divorcerecovery101.com/site_map.html

[mammax3]

Thanks Gunny for sumdude's link.

 

Here's a rant.

 

I was in denial - have I said that enough times? and now I See Tha Light! She can keep him.

It is tough, however, to acknowledge and feel that I'm not part of the couple I was for so long. I'm "just" me now, and not even the same me as before. Now I have the title of divorced. With two little kids and an infant. I have to do it all on my own. Not that I can't, because I sure can, and I'm beginning to think that I can do it better than when he was here. I have lots of support from friends and family.

 

It's amazing how being with someone for so long helps shape a person. He and I are linked now, not only through our children, but because of our history and how we relate to the world. We've helped guide and create each other. No matter how dense or jerk-y he's being, he can't help but not think of me and the kids when something triggers those thoughts. And if he continues to not act on them (he hasn't called since he left) then whatever. I can accept the memories, and let them float by.

 

I like what someone said (was it even on LS?) about re-creating me. I can be however I like. I'm a mother, a 30 year old woman and I don't need to have anyone else define me but me. Call me divorced. Call me cheater on. Whatever. X and I may have the shared past, and our kids and our joint creation but no one says I have to remain that person. What I don't like, I can change. What I'd like to cultivate, I may. I'm free to persue whatever interests I choose, to laugh at whatever jokes I find funny, to dress how I'm feeling...

 

[mammax3]

Argh! What is wrong with me?

 

I was thoughtlessly driving this afternoon, and it popped into my head that he'd be at home waiting to apologize to me. With all his stuff on the front porch wanting to be a family again. I even began to imagine what he'd say. And what I'd say. How OW left him when she found out that we're really going through the divorce and that this isn't what he wants and how could he have been so stupid?! I nearly expected him at my doorstep.

 

I also thought about the last time we kissed. I couldn't remember it. Was it an actual kiss? It made me sooo sad, like I wanted to kiss him again just so I'd have one to remember. So I started thinking of us kissing and how he never took my face in his hands and kissed me like I was the most precious person on earth. Never while we kissed did our tears of deep love mingle. He never kissed my eyelids. or earlobes.

 

Does it say something that he never kissed me in ways I wanted to be kissed? Or does it mean that I didn't convey my needs enough? Are these types of thoughts helpful at ALL??

 

I emailed him re: some financial stuff. He called and spoke to the kids. Did he call because I initiated? Or was he planning on calling anyway? Is this thought helpful?? But since I've been thinking all these old thoughts i was quite pleasent on the phone.

 

He's just so much in my thoughts today. It's late here though, I'm probably just tired.

[ilmw]

Argh! What is wrong with me?

 

I was thoughtlessly driving this afternoon, and it popped into my head that he'd be at home waiting to apologize to me. With all his stuff on the front porch wanting to be a family again. I even began to imagine what he'd say. And what I'd say. How OW left him when she found out that we're really going through the divorce and that this isn't what he wants and how could he have been so stupid?! I nearly expected him at my doorstep.

 

I also thought about the last time we kissed. I couldn't remember it. Was it an actual kiss? It made me sooo sad, like I wanted to kiss him again just so I'd have one to remember. So I started thinking of us kissing and how he never took my face in his hands and kissed me like I was the most precious person on earth. Never while we kissed did our tears of deep love mingle. He never kissed my eyelids. or earlobes.

 

Does it say something that he never kissed me in ways I wanted to be kissed? Or does it mean that I didn't convey my needs enough? Are these types of thoughts helpful at ALL??

 

I emailed him re: some financial stuff. He called and spoke to the kids. Did he call because I initiated? Or was he planning on calling anyway? Is this thought helpful?? But since I've been thinking all these old thoughts i was quite pleasent on the phone.

 

He's just so much in my thoughts today. It's late here though, I'm probably just tired.

 

Don't beat yourself up... what you are going through is natural... god... I still do it sometimes now... and I know it is silly... but... it does happen...

 

Acceptance of the facts will come in time... and that is all it is ... TIME... so be good to you.. forgive you... what happened just happened.. a momentary lapse of strength... a crack in the armour...

 

No worries.. you are a iron maiden...

 

I must be tired too...... look at what I am writing..:p:laugh:

 

But it is true..

 

Take care mamma

 

ilmw

[Melovator]

Yes, you probably are tired Mammax with three little people to take care of, really bloody tired.

 

And as I understand it these thoughts are normal- right now if I even start to get the image of me opening the door and he's there on his knees with flowers and declarations of undying love, I start mentally yelling "Bullsh*t, Bullsh*t, Bullsh*t." and keep repeating it mentally (monkey see, monkey do with small ones on the loose) until the image fades or I get distracted by something else.

 

It is harder at night because you're tired then, that and... everyone likes a story before bedtime, so you try and tell yourself a happy one until you get to the nightmare bit. I'm going to (half in jest) suggest either pron, spiritual, self-improvement, or I am a goddess type reading before bedtime, whichever helps more, or use interchangably depending on state of mind.

 

Anyway, this is just more of those emotional waves, not quite so bad as a few months ago hey??? You'll get through this one, better than ever and be ready to sign up for a kickboxing class...

[Gunny376]

Standby to "Standby!"

 

Listen up there you! What you're going through and what you're about to go through isn't for the weak-minded, nor the weak-hearted! Its stinking HARD! All freaking day hard! It just is! And that's the way it freaking is!

 

FAIR? Hell NO! There's nothing fair about it! Fair hasn't got a damn thing to do with it!

 

What was? WAS!

 

What is? IS!

 

What will be? ~ Will by the Grace of God ~ BE!

 

OJT ~ (On the Job Training) isn't something that you want when it comes to finding yourself in combat or being a single parent of three!

 

But, that's your reality, and the time to get real about your life is right here and now. The time to get excited about YOUR life is right here and right now! The time to live your life is right here and right now!

 

Your freaking life isn't over ~ its just beginning! Your 30 years old for crying out loud! Being saddled with three little ones without a shell of a man isn't a curse ~ its a freaking blessing!

 

He wasn't an asset! He was a freaking liability.

 

Men? The men I know would drink muddy water, eat road-kill, and sleep in a hollow log for their children if not their wife! Not to gloryfy myself ~ but I knew when the Hex told me she wasn't feeling it for me anymore, and wanted a divorce that divorce was Hell and that someone had to pay out the azz and noze ~ I made damn sure ~ because of my children ~ that someone was ME! I gave her everything from 12 years of marriage, the tax write off, child support, took all the bills to include her car payment. I did that for the children ~ being the child of divorce. Not her!

 

You'll find someone else MamaMax, even with three little ones. The reason I know this? Because I all but, damn near, got with a gal just like you when the wife and I were seperated. She was an Air Force Staff Sergeant coming out of her third marriage, (physically and mentally abused) and I was as crazy about those three little ones (Oldest seven) as I was her. Her toddler loved me!

 

The only reason A and I didn't work out was because of the First Gulf War, (I got shipped out to Saudi) and I was seperated not divorce and I had to give my marriage and my children 110%!

[sumdude]

Hang tough mammax, it happens. It's been a little while now but I remember turning the corner of our street and my mind conjuring up her car parked out front and her suddenly moved back in .. the same way she suddenly moved out. Then I'd smack myself in the forehead and tell myself to forget about it... Once in a while I get those twinges still and usually when I'm tired. The old brain plays tricks on us. After so many years of a life togather takes a while to get the idea firmly planted that it's really over.

[Ladyjane14]

Argh! What is wrong with me?

 

I was thoughtlessly driving this afternoon, and it popped into my head that he'd be at home waiting to apologize to me. With all his stuff on the front porch wanting to be a family again. I even began to imagine what he'd say. And what I'd say. How OW left him when she found out that we're really going through the divorce and that this isn't what he wants and how could he have been so stupid?! I nearly expected him at my doorstep.

 

I also thought about the last time we kissed. I couldn't remember it. Was it an actual kiss? It made me sooo sad, like I wanted to kiss him again just so I'd have one to remember. So I started thinking of us kissing and how he never took my face in his hands and kissed me like I was the most precious person on earth. Never while we kissed did our tears of deep love mingle. He never kissed my eyelids. or earlobes.

 

Does it say something that he never kissed me in ways I wanted to be kissed? Or does it mean that I didn't convey my needs enough? Are these types of thoughts helpful at ALL??

 

I emailed him re: some financial stuff. He called and spoke to the kids. Did he call because I initiated? Or was he planning on calling anyway? Is this thought helpful?? But since I've been thinking all these old thoughts i was quite pleasent on the phone.

 

He's just so much in my thoughts today. It's late here though, I'm probably just tired.

 

I just can't wrap my mind around how people can treat one another so callously. That guy did you just about as dirty as one can do another without actually committing a felony, and here you are... still sweet.

 

I don't know what to tell you about those odd moments when the heat of your ire has deserted you and you're just left trying to make some kind of sense of it all. I too, have trouble 'holding a grudge'... even against the most toxic people.

 

I think all you can do is to try to focus on what's real in your life, what's important. That, and to put some PLAIN language on the transgressions done against you.

 

That man left you on your own, despite his vows to do otherwise, at the MOST vulnerable point of your life. And even when you allowed him to attend the birth of your daughter, he didn't even bother to ASK about her for weeks on end. Those are the kinds of things I remember on your behalf. I don't know who he was before... I only know the guy you've told me about. And to say the least, I'm UNIMPRESSED with him.

 

You deserve better. In your heart you know it too.

[mammax3]

Hi everyone. Thanks for your replies.

 

I know I don't want him back. I just want what I thought I had. Change *is* scary and it's hard to adjust to all this. I think I'd be a oozing mass of warm jello on a dirty floor if I didn't have my two older kids to help keep me together. Not like I'm secretly messy, but they give me a focus and a tether to keep me anchored and they're really helping me pull through. (Despite how my 4yo tells me he doesn't love me and I'm not his best friend anymore!! ) It'd be waay harder, I think, if he left while I was pregnant with #1, since I'd not only be dealing with the unfamiliar role of motherhood, but also with all the stress of a divorce and the loss of the relationship. But I still have a role and it's one that I enjoy and I'm good at and I love my kids more than anything! I'm obviously stressed and coping with the loss of the relationship but... well, I can't quite articulate what I mean. I hope you get what I'm saying.

 

He called again tonight. I'm trying not to get too excited by his sudden interest, but it IS a good sign. While he was here, he said he'd try to keep better contact with the kids. After a week of silence he's started calling. So here's hoping this is the new path he's on. My 4 yo was very happy to talk to him and told him all about our day.

 

I need someone to remind me about those things, LJ. I conveniently forget them while i'm thinking about him - which is super annoying! I know that he's been awful to me at a vulnerable time all for the sake of his little willy, and a few good strokes (to his ego too! ) and I have to remember that. These are all his choices of how to cope, and they're all centered around him - how he's coping, not the kids and certainly not me.

 

You're all right. I have to just keep digging in and doing it. Two people in the last few days have commented on what a great mother I am and how strong I am to keep keeping on as I am. One of them figures that X didn't leave me, per se, but the situation (one that illuminated his inherently defective nature!) and he looked for someone that could show him in a better light. I thought that was fairly correct from where I'm sitting. It's hard not to take it personally, since it is rejection (even from an opinion I don't particularly value).

 

So since he called tonight, I've been sort of off. He has no idea how hard it is to settle three kids at bedtime, to get them up and moving in the morning, how hard it's going to be when school starts again.. how plain ALL DAY hard it's going to be. I'd like to think that if *IF* he gets it at some level he's of the belief that I can handle it. That I'm the one who's going to do it well. And that's why he's all hands-off. But there's also huge resentment in me too. This is what we'd planned on together - supporting each other and providing a loving secure place for the kids to thrive. So he felt he couldn't handle it and so just flaked off figuring it'd be somehow ok to leave me with it all.

 

And he just calls to chat for 5 minutes and figures that's enough - he's 'trying'.

 

ugh. So nauseating and infuriating!!!

[mammax3]

Nothing. Haven't heard a thing since early this week - I suppose those two phone calls within days of each other were a fluke. Ah well.

 

The kids and I are going up to a friends cottage for a few days. It's a little bittersweet since H was going to come. We'd made some plans for the summer before he told me he wanted to divorce, and going through with those plans is a little hard. But! I'm moving forward with life and there's no real reason (other than the looong drive) why I can't do these things on my own. I don't want to set the precedent that the kids and I can't do stuff cuz it's just me, otherwise we'd never get to do anything! Actually, a friend of mine (who also has 3 kids, just slightly older than mine) suggested a hike through some woods near my house, and we took all our kids! That's *6* kids under 5 years old, wandering through the forest! And we all had a blast. So I know I can do it. I've been doing it for the last 2 months, and will be for the next 20 years!

 

I think I was already realizing that he wasn't enough Man for me long before he told me he was ready to divorce. People have told me they're surprised that I seem to be holding together as well as I am. I think it's because deep inside I knew that I need more and better. Like I think I've said before, I would have tried with him, though, to see if we could make it work - for each of us to become the partner we need.

 

Do you believe in fate? Or is it sometimes a nudge that propels us into a new direction, but it's not preordained? I guess this is why some people find religion in the midst of a separation, to find meaning or trust that someone (something?) has a plan for each of us.

 

Off we go cottaging! I'm dreading the car ride (but completely resigned to the fact that I'll be stopping every few hours, that's why we're leaving so early! Try to get there before dinner! ) but I love to canoe and I'm eager to show my kids how great it is to be out on the water when it's so quiet and still... first thing in the morning. Ahh! I love it!

[Gunny376]

Your latest post brought a smile to my face, and a laugh to my voice ~ made my day!

 

Welcome to the first day of the rest of your life!

 

I've actually had quite a lot of those? For some reason!

 

Most of them involved ~ F*** it! I'm still alive and sucking air in ande out!

 

And that's A GOOD thing!

 

You got that, the rest is just a BS game! I remember going through the CS chamber (tear gas) chamber in boot camp, ( and subsequently over the years), I kid you not ~ nothing means more to your azz than breathing!

 

Add to that some Joker trying to take your head off with an AK-47 or an RPG ~ it all becomes relative? Leave me? Divorce me? Have a nice life without me!

 

And as I've said, its all releative. Your tolerance isn't mine! Nor mine your mine!

 

All in all MamaMax? You progressimg well!

 

 

You"re adating, improvising and overcoming!

[Melovator]

Ahhh Mammax I'm inspired! Got lots of reserves and national park near here and a little man who can just go, go, go! And I got a friend with a beach shack...

 

You go girl! You are kicking a$$!

 

Don't know about fate... but I do think everything happens for a reason and sometimes that's to remind us of just how fabulous we truly are!

 

You rock Mammax!

[mammax3]

We had a fun time at the cottage. My 2yo did not want to wear the PDF in the canoe, so the poor dear had to wait on shore until we came back. NOT a happy camper, but safety first! There was so much rocking on the boat while the temper tantrum occurred that it would have flipped us had we gone out all together. MIL cared for him and nb while we went out.

 

The drive wasn't as bad as I thought. They were absolute angels, really! We had to stop on the way up for a playground break, but the way home we just cruised. There were so many small towns, I nearly decided to move to one of them, so beautiful.

 

X called once while we were gone but never called back when he said he was going to. It's back to the 'old' routine of not calling often at all.

 

4yo has just came in (for the nth time)... I better go... 4yo asked about "Daddy" again and I had to remind him that Daddy isn't living with us anymore. He replied that he knew, just when is he coming for a visit? So maybe he's poor sleeping toinight is attached to that? (nb is crying in my arms right now too.. Woo. The fun.)

 

[mammax3]

Today was (is?) our 5 year wedding anni.

 

Ya. I had a dream that we were together and I said that it was our anni, and that it's too bad that we didn't make it. He asked what I would have liked to do today to celebrate. I told him it didn't matter since we weren't together. I wasn't exactly sad in my dream (or upon waking) but resigned. It was a long dream and we were quite friendly.

 

It'd be a nice goal, but occasionally I remember how he left, how he lied, how I felt ... No friend would do that. He was just so selfish and terrible about it.

 

I'm not mad at him - surprisingly. I'm not really sad, either. I just wish. Wish. I don't know what I wish for. I wouldn't want to live and be with him anymore, knowing how he is... It's just *****ty.

[ilmw]

Today was (is?) our 5 year wedding anni.

 

Ya. I had a dream that we were together and I said that it was our anni, and that it's too bad that we didn't make it. He asked what I would have liked to do today to celebrate. I told him it didn't matter since we weren't together. I wasn't exactly sad in my dream (or upon waking) but resigned. It was a long dream and we were quite friendly.

 

It'd be a nice goal, but occasionally I remember how he left, how he lied, how I felt ... No friend would do that. He was just so selfish and terrible about it.

 

I'm not mad at him - surprisingly. I'm not really sad, either. I just wish. Wish. I don't know what I wish for. I wouldn't want to live and be with him anymore, knowing how he is... It's just *****ty.

 

This post just reminded me... My wedding anniversary ... was just the other day... ... I thought about it for a moment... shrugged my shoulders... and went on with what I was doing...

 

I didn't want to be here... but since I am... I am damn well going to enjoy myself...

 

Your doing great mamma.... it is still not that long ago... this all came about... and considering this... and what you have to deal with on your own... your doing an amazing job! With you... and your little ones...

 

Take care,

ilmw

[mammax3]

That's great, ilmw, that you could let it pass with nothing more than a nod. I didn't do anything crazy, like call him or email or anything. But that night was a little tough.

 

He's called a few times in the last few weeks, nothing more than once a week. The last time he called, my 4yo didn't want to talk to him. Should I be forcing this issue? Say that he hasn't a choice and he must talk to Daddy? I'd appreciate the input, I'm not too sure what's right.

 

Tonight was pretty tough. Actually the last few days have been pretty teary and sad. But I can't figure out why I'm so sad. It just kinda hits me sometimes. I remember an event we shared as I'm driving past a park, or a restaurant we went to. But like I keep saying, I'm not interested in sparking our relationship back up. I've tried to type that I'd never take him back, but it's hard to write that! Yikes! Maybe it's just my current mindset. I imagine that he's come back and I've said No Way and my kids ask why didn't I take him back? And how do I know that's the right path?? NOT like he's saying he wants back, cuz he's really not. Why am I thinking these thoughts?

 

How much of this is hormones? I've been kinda low these last few days.

 

There is no way that we could have a partnered relationship ever again. He's been a total jerk, left me at a most vulnerable time and we weren't that compatible as a couple or as parents. And not to mention that he cheated on me, abandoned his children, left me with three kids under 3 years old... Complete jerk and I really don't want him back. It's hard trying to convince my heart that this isn't the same man who I married or lived with for so many years.

 

If none of these things will convince me, it's the absolute lack of caring he's shown to our kids that will stop me from letting him back into our lives. He plain doesn't seem to care for them. They don't need a father like that. At all.

 

Ok. Thanks. I needed to get that all out!

I'm ready for tomorrow. Still a little low, but ok.

[ilmw]

That's great, ilmw, that you could let it pass with nothing more than a nod. I didn't do anything crazy, like call him or email or anything. But that night was a little tough.

 

He's called a few times in the last few weeks, nothing more than once a week. The last time he called, my 4yo didn't want to talk to him. Should I be forcing this issue? Say that he hasn't a choice and he must talk to Daddy? I'd appreciate the input, I'm not too sure what's right.

 

Tonight was pretty tough. Actually the last few days have been pretty teary and sad. But I can't figure out why I'm so sad. It just kinda hits me sometimes. I remember an event we shared as I'm driving past a park, or a restaurant we went to. But like I keep saying, I'm not interested in sparking our relationship back up. I've tried to type that I'd never take him back, but it's hard to write that! Yikes! Maybe it's just my current mindset. I imagine that he's come back and I've said No Way and my kids ask why didn't I take him back? And how do I know that's the right path?? NOT like he's saying he wants back, cuz he's really not. Why am I thinking these thoughts?

 

How much of this is hormones? I've been kinda low these last few days.

 

There is no way that we could have a partnered relationship ever again. He's been a total jerk, left me at a most vulnerable time and we weren't that compatible as a couple or as parents. And not to mention that he cheated on me, abandoned his children, left me with three kids under 3 years old... Complete jerk and I really don't want him back. It's hard trying to convince my heart that this isn't the same man who I married or lived with for so many years.

 

If none of these things will convince me, it's the absolute lack of caring he's shown to our kids that will stop me from letting him back into our lives. He plain doesn't seem to care for them. They don't need a father like that. At all.

 

Ok. Thanks. I needed to get that all out!

I'm ready for tomorrow. Still a little low, but ok.

 

Hey you... stop beating your self up... what you are doing is natural... I think we all do it.... I still did it .. not that long ago...

 

Like I said before... this is not that old to you... and you have been preoccupied.. with having a baby... so you have not really had time to take care of you.

 

YOU WILL BE OK.... IT JUST TAKES TIME!

:bunny::bunny:

 

Be strong mamma..

ilmw

[mammax3]

I'm better. I think that was hormones of sleeplessness talking. Or maybe it was just part of the ups and downs of this process.

 

We spoke briefly the other day about the financial aspects of separating and divorcing. The kids talked to him a bit too. He's still not asking (via email or phone) how the kids are and what they're doing, or anything. His dad stopped paying support after 6 months. I wonder how he'll do. We're getting close to the 6 month mark.

 

I'm really feeling the pinch of being on such a paltry budget with three kids. My kids are too. We never lacked for anything while we were together and we were able to go to movies and museums and stuff without a second thought. I'm trying to find all the free stuff we can do.

 

I'm just venting. Not quite a pity party, but a b*tch session!

 

But me and the kids are great. I can't believe how chilled out I am now. I think I must have known that something was really wrong since I wasn't this relaxed before. But we're all good. I'm not doing anything towards the process of separation. He can persue it. I'm not going to mollycoddle him any more. This is what he wants, so he can ask me and request my documents and whatnot.

[Ladyjane14]

His dad stopped paying support after 6 months. I wonder how he'll do. We're getting close to the 6 month mark....

 

....I'm not doing anything towards the process of separation. He can persue it. I'm not going to mollycoddle him any more. This is what he wants, so he can ask me and request my documents and whatnot.

 

I think I'd be ready to have a judgment slapped on him at a minute's notice just in case. I don't know how they do it in Canada, but in the U.S., you don't just "stop" paying child support. Not unless you'd like to do a little time in an orange jumpsuit, picking up trash off the side of the road.

 

If you're getting more than you might get in a settlement agreement right now, and you're fairly confident that he's not a financial liability to you, incurring additional debt and whatnot, and he's not presenting a child custody threat.. then, (not a professional opinion), but I don't see why you'd need to rush the divorce. Personally, I don't think I'd have the patience for it though.

[Gunny376]

I don't know how we'll do this, but there's a website called "Debt Proof Living" hosted by Mary Hunt ~ a most outstanding God-fearing, Christ-loving woman that's a sydicated author!

 

Hard times? She seen them and been through them!

 

Her website is a "paid website" ~ $2 a month, but its chaulk full of ideas on how to squeeze a penny! 1001 ways to live off of "nothin! Recipies? XMAS? Thanksgiving ~etc!

 

I'll call them tomrow and pay what it takes to "hook" you up with them for a year or so?