A corner turned

[Gunny376]

You need to tell this "clown" you're not clowning with him! He wants out ~ "You've got it Baby!" I'd be telling his azz ~ "You're nothing buy a memory to me now, you're nothig but ashes and smoke!

 

And LJ's right ~ what you should be focusing on is life without him, and you need to do that with the idea that he's not going to be in your nor the children's life ~ zilch, nadda, nothing ~ and that you and you alone are the only one person that they have in their lives. That they can count on and depend on.

 

And forget this business about doing it yourselves divorce. Get a lawyer.

 

I mean come on! You were pregno with his child and the POS wasn't there for you, do you really think he's going to be there for you and the children post-divorce? The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior is it not?

 

I'm usually not too big on the the allimony issue, but in your case? You're a clear cut case as to the reason (and need) for it. 9 out of 10 times if I were on jury I'd vote against granting some woman allimony, but if I were on a jury in your divorce, I'd vote for it! At least until you and the chldren could make the adjustment from the life he lead you into to the life he's leading you into.

 

Don't do it his way, do it the right way. Its not just about you and him, its about those children that his coward azz is running away from!

 

_______________________________________________________________

[Gunny376]

I'm not sure if I'm the best person to ask about that. By now, his scumbag ass would not WANT to talk to me.

 

All I can tell you is what I'd say... And basically, I'd call him on his bullsh*t as to his proposed visitation and ask him wtf he REALLY wants. I'd give him a FULL LAUNDRY LIST of everything he'd already done to me and to his children. I'd tell him he's out of his gourd if he thinks he's wandering in and out of my home like it was a Motel 8. I'd tell him that he's welcome to submit his plan for visiting with the children to my email address and that I'd be back to him in 24-48 hours. And... knowing me, I'm thinking the verbiage might not be fit for little ears , so I'd call him AFTER they were down for the night and out of earshot.

 

You've been WAY NICE about all this. This guy dumped you while you were EIGHT months pregnant, and you've seen neither hide nor hair of him since the birth. Tell him straight up that there will be NO verbal agreements and that he can submit any requests to you in writing.

 

The beauty of divorce, my dear, is that you don't have to kiss his ass anymore. And you aren't obligated to "chat". So... don't.

 

 

OooooooRaaaaahhhh! That's what I'm talking about! Your Corps! My Corps ~ Nothing but HARD Corps! To the bone Baby! To the bone!

 

When it comes to divorce? This feeding them candy and being nice crap doesn't work! This amicable divorce crap doesn't work. I'm not saying you've got to be an azzhat, but you need to learn how to use some harsh language at the very least and put them on notice that at the very least your going to hold their feet to fire and own up to their responsbilities. And if that means that cramps their style? Well that's just too sad and too bad! I'd hate to be you!

 

LJ ~ You tha' woman! :cool: :cool:

 

:bunny::bunny::bunny::bunny::bunny::bunny::bunny::bunny:

[Ladyjane14]

Geez Gunns... I'm blushin' here!

 

You know, I often advocate to people that they be a little less rough with their spouse, I little more understanding... that they have fewer criticisms and that they keep their expectations in context. And honestly, I think an attitude like that works gangbusters... when you're gonna keep 'em.

 

I'm 'mild as milk' with my sweetie. Even when we get into conflict, I try to keep '"he Big Picture" in mind by addressing whatever problem we're having rather than maligning his character.

 

But... had things gone the other way, I would've been perfectly free to let my 'Inner Harpy' OUT.

 

I'm not saying that you should go out of your way to make trouble, Mamma. Rather, I'm saying that if you're prepared to respond with alacrity to whatever trouble your STBX brings to you... you'll get what you need. And, as an added 'bennie'... he'll learn not to start trouble.

Mess with the bull... you're gonna get the horns, right?

 

If I were you, I'd see my attorney and get a plan together. I'd be prepared down to the last detail. I wouldn't hesitate to use whatever tools at my disposal. What's more, I'd be as affable as possible during the proceedings as long as it suited my larger goals to be so.

 

And then, after the ink's dry... I'd put that scum-sucking weasel out of my life and keep him out. He'd rather peel off his own skin than call ME on the phone for a "chat", I promise you.

[mammax3]

I don't really understand how I set the rules and am in control. Please forgive me for sounding stupid. If he wants to see them, don't I have to let him? It seems to me the only way I have control is regarding the kids, is that what you mean?

 

I understand that I need to do 'this' separation the right way - fairness and 'right' are very important to me in everyday life, but even more so in these high stress situations - instead of his crazy skewed way. Or do you mean bigger than 'right' between him and I? In terms of lawyers and legalities?

 

Thanks for reminding me how he left. I'll remember and then I'll forget or something. I also seem to forget that he had another woman out there waiting for him to call her and tell her that he 'did it' on the weekend he told me he wanted a divorce . I think it must be self-preservation. I'd implode if I let it all hang out there all the time so I do a little selective remembering. Seeing your black and white words that he left while I was 8 months pregnant really hits me in the nose.

 

I can't wait to see what my attorney has to say. I've got an appointment coming up.

 

It's still so silly but I'm nervous/scared to use harsh words or language, but I really don't know why. Ridiculous.

[Ladyjane14]

I don't really understand how I set the rules and am in control.

 

 

The reality of the situation is that unless you have a court order detailing his financial responsibilities and a child visitation schedule, you have no control over YOUR own life. He could cut you off financially at any time. He could put your kids in the car and take them off wherever he wants. And if those things happen, there's nothing much you can do about it until you can get him into court.

 

Now, would he do those things? ...probably not. But until you've got a legal agreement, you don't have autonomy. You've got all the responsibility since he bailed out, but no real authority.

 

If he's been fairly generous, it's possible that you might actually be working with a tighter budget after settlement.. but at least you'll be able to count on the same amount every month and he won't be able to treat your HOME like a Motel 8. You'll be able to make your own plans for the future, and you'll know what he's allowed and what he isn't in terms of visitation so you won't have to plan around him.

 

In emotional terms... you'll be free to tell him to "go pound sand" as Gunny would say.

[mammax3]

So he's here. He made it!

 

The kids are overjoyed! Asking him all sorts of Q's and trying to engage him in that heartbreaking way - kind of nervous, kind of excited wanting to be familiar with him but not comfortable enough with him...

 

So, after 20 mins his cell vibrates (2yo on his lap squiggles and jumps around) and he turns it off and not two minutes later he says he's going outside to check things out and to have a cigarette, and no, the kids stay inside. Ya. So I'm mad and embarassed and hurt. I feel like I'm trying, made him coffee when he came in (I know, I know, but I was literally pouring one for myself when he rang the bell - yes, he didn't walk right in, I was wondering what he was going to do), and not being a b*tch or anything. He said that I looked good (I thought he meant since I wasn't pregnant anymore, I forgot I had my hair cut and coloured a few weeks ago). Not like I thought he was into me, but it was just so obvious and insulting, him taking the call and all.

 

Anyway. I have to go. I'll no doubt rant some more. If anyone has ANY opinions how to ... 'do' this weekend, I'd appreciate some input. Or whatever. Some inspiring words, anything!

 

Thanks.

[Ladyjane14]

I don't think there's any need for you to act like you don't know what's going on. Feel free to treat him like the JOKE he is.

 

Hell, next time his phone buzzes, look him right in the eye and made some kind of crack about what a short leash he's on. Smile when you do it like it's legitimately funny. And then maybe for good measure, reassure him that he's in absolutely NO danger of being thrown up on the kitchen table and you having your way with him.

Throw in a squeamish facial expression like you smell something particularly fetid too and can't imagine getting any on you, and voila.... one very small man reduced down to his legitimate size.

 

 

He's not staying in your house for the weekend, is he?

[Gunny376]

If it was me? I'd get nose to nose with him, eyeball and just stare into his eyes for like five minutes without bleaking an eyelash saying a word?

 

After he was good and un-comfortable, and he finally asked me what the Hell I was doing?

 

I'd tell him:

 

"Oh nothing really, just wondering what happen to the MAN I married and who this little boy before me is?

 

And, when he leaves again I'd give him a slip of paper with my address on it, (which he already knows) and when he asked me why? "So your azz will know where to send the child support azzhat! Just in case you forget! Bu~bye! Have a nice the rest of your life without me!

[mammax3]

Thanks Gunny and LJ! I didn't say anything about that, but I did lay into him a bit after the kids went to sleep. (Yes, he is staying here, he asked, I thought about it... It's for the kids, "we're" telling them tomorrow.)

 

I guess I needn't go into all the things I said to him, and all the words I used to describe him. (Gunny, your Azzhat kept creeping into my brain, and LJ's description of him as Inherently Defective kept me from spinning out of control) But I feel better. I didn't yell or get 'nasty' I just told him what was. That he's a coward, a poor father, a small man, an azzhat. Not all at once (well, one time I did use them all in a long sentence) but they kept peppering the conversation.

 

I tried to keep it from becoming 'personal' but talking about the legalities of separating (i had a few things from the lawyer I needed to tell him about, as well as some documents to sign) and some of the crazy things he was saying made it become personal. I kept reminding myself not to try and 'fix' him, make it easier on himself so he can be a better man for her... But I did tell him that he needs to man up and be a better dad, or take off and just pay the support. There'll be no wandering in and out of the kids lives.

 

I had to laugh a few time at how insane he sounds. He wants to maintain control in the kids lives (having a say in certain aspects of their lives) but he can't commit to calling them regularly or seeing them on a schedule! I told him that if he regularly keeps in contact with them he won't need to have artificial modes of control because he'll always be in their lives. He didn't get it. I explained that I didn't call all the time and check up on him and 'remind' him that I loved him because I was (incorrectly) secure in our relationship. It's the partners who call frequently under the guise of "love" who feel insecure and therefore need to control. I told him to man up and participate in their lives which will increase the intimacy between him and the kids and that will foster security and he'll have a say in their lives.

 

There was another 'funny' moment when he said he needs to Act like a father. I thought it was funny because at no time while I'm in the trenches 24/7 am I 'acting' like a mother. I AM a mother. It's not a hat I can take off at the end of the day. He gets to choose whether he'd like to be a dad that day by making a lousy telephone call. And yet he thinks he's acting in their best interest and even suggested I am not. I told him being a parent means only ever acting in their interests. They don't care whether you're tired, dirty, are in need of some adult interaction, kids need you to be their parent. That's their interest. They need love, safety and security. That's their interest. Their interest is not whether they have the new spongebob backpack. It's not if they can join the soccer league.

 

He just couldn't handle the responsibility of being a Man. I told him to go and be with a woman who could be with a man who could leave his wife and children. I asked him what sort of man would want a woman who'd want a man like that? I certainly don't. I deserve and need more than that. I need a real Man.

 

I was going to type that I hope I wasn't too hard on him. But I don't hope that. I doubt I was hard enough since he wasn't crying when I was through.

 

Thanks everyone. I'll let you know how it went, telling the kids. Keep your fingers crossed for me and my kids that it's not unnecessarly messy.

[Gunny376]

Send me a "post drop" and I'll send you one of my EGA's ~ Eagle, Globe and Anchors" the very symbol of being a Marine! Way to "man up"! To step up and put the "Big Boy" britches on and be there for your family, your children! (Marines don't give out EGA's to just anyone! Its an HONOR!)

 

Its a damned shame that some women have a bigger "pair" than some men!

 

I've been divorced seventeen years ~ I've paid through the azz, and the nose! I'm just now getting back to where I was seventeen years ago? To having what I had seventeen years ago. I gave the Hex everything from a twelve year marriage ~ for the children. I knew someone had to hang! And, I took as much as I could upon myself for my children.

 

I can go to my grave ~ knowing that I did all and gave all that I had to give for Tasha and Trenton, and it may not have been enough ~ but I put them first! I gave them all I knew and had to give them at the time! I suffered and did without! I gave them 110%!

[Ladyjane14]

He wants to maintain control in the kids lives (having a say in certain aspects of their lives)....

 

And "thar she blows"! Sounds like he let some of his agenda slip out.

This is why you need to keep an attorney. I'd be willing to bet he'll be trying to slip in some kind of "controlling" verbiage into the divorce agreement where the kids are concerned.

 

If I were you I would NOT agree to whatever he has in mind. You don't know where your life will take you yet. Be mindful of your future and leave as many options open as possible. Don't allow him to put chains on you or your children.

 

He CHOSE his course. Always remember that. He CHOSE it freely. If he doesn't like where that path leads him... hey, not your problem anymore.

 

What an a*hole. Honestly, I can't even remember a thread where a WS has disgusted me more.

 

Next time he wants to come for a visit... tell him you're not running a motel for wayward fathers, and that you're not willing to tolerate the disruption he brings to your household.

 

You're right... the OW sure picked herself a winner, didn't she? ...and vice versa.... like two slime-covered peas rotting in the same pod.

[mammax3]

We told our 4 yo (the 2yo was present, but didn't really get it) this morning. WH began (very nervously) "I'm going to live [away] but still come and visit you". Poor 4 yo didn't get what he was saying and when I asked he just repeated the line, so I followed up with "This means Daddy isnt going to live with us anymore". He got it then - his eyes got wide and he seemed shocked. I had to repeat myself. I think he may have asked why. I told him that Daddy would live in a house in the other city and Mummy and the kids would live here in our house. We are still a family, but a family who live in two houses from now on. He said okay.

 

A little bit later 4 yo began a Q "Remember, Daddy, when you used to live at our house..." So I suppose he gets it.

 

WH made it quite clear that the reason he's staying out of our city is due to this OW, not work (as he tried to lead me down that path before). And he is (at the core of the sitch) choosing this OW over the kids. This blows my mind. I guess it happens more often than not, it makes me a little sick to realize how this is playing out. I have a hard time securing the notion that the affair was the determining factor (we did have probs, I realize, but there were any number of ways he *could* have dealt with them - telling me would have been #1) of him wanting to separate since he's so far away and I have no real tangible proof. It's somewhat surreal, maybe it is always?

 

I'm okay though. I think telling the kids was one of the last steps I needed to really see the reality (the very last step will be seeing those papers all signed) of my ended marriage and the small man I married.

 

I'm really glad that you all have been here with me. I think I'd be a basketcase if I hadn't had your input and perspectives. You've given me strength and support and your experiences. I'm not taking off, but I'm not struggling. I'm more a 'maintenance' member now, not a newbie struggling with the decisions and choices...

 

This is yet another corner turned.

[Ladyjane14]

WH made it quite clear that the reason he's staying out of our city is due to this OW, not work...

 

I guess it finally occurred to him that he wasn't going to be able to turn up with a new girlfriend and not raise a few eyebrows.

 

You realize, of course, now he's brought her out into the open with you... he'll be attempting to normalize his adulterous relationship for the benefit of friends and family members. I don't want you to be blindsided on that... because it's going to hurt like a bitch to see him interacting with your former in-laws and old friends with this cat on his arm.

You need to be ready to put it into perspective. It's not like you'd have his "inherently defective" ass back anyway, right?

 

'Step Two' of dumping your wife and family is to legitimize the affair. That means ramrodding the OW down everybody's throats.

 

For your part, it'll be an exercise in futility to get upset about it, it's wasted energy. Your in-laws won't be given a whole lot of choice in the matter, and in the end... that's their son. Same as your babies are yours and you can't imagine a day when you'd turn your back on one of them.

 

I'm sorry to be a humdrum tonight, dear ... but I don't want you to get caught by surprise.

 

Your best bet.. double-check and make sure your support network is in order and well-padded with people who are invulnerable to STBXH's influence. Then, keep focusing on your 5-year plan.

[Ladyjane14]

Awww heck, I can't leave you on such a downer.

 

How 'bout this?.... Now that you've had your say and told him what you really thing of him, let's start f*cking with their heads.

 

You'll need to be tough throughout the divorce proceedings. Like I told you earlier, you don't want him to put any chains on your future or that of your children. So... you'll have to watch him like a hawk during settlement and, of course, you'll have your attorney dot all the I's and cross all the 'T's.

 

But there's no reason why you shouldn't be pleasant about it. Now, I'm not saying you need to be his "buddy". He doesn't deserve that. But... if you're pleasant but not overtly friendly, he doesn't know what you're thinking. He doesn't know if you're just being civil. He doesn't know if you'd still take him back. He doesn't know if you've 'moved on' so far down the pike that he's no longer important enough to get upset over. He doesn't know CRAP. He's just scratching his head at a complete loss.

 

Meanwhile, OW doesn't know what your motives are either, and she's going to be oh-so-insecure because of it. She doesn't know if you're willing to give him a severance pop or if you'd actually let him come back. Every minute he's out of her sight and in your company, she's wondering what you'll do. (You noticed he hadn't even been with the kids for TWENTY measly minutes before his phone rang, didn't you?)

If you hold your ground and keep her out of the co-parenting loop, refusing to let her horn in... she's gonna BURN with insecurity because he'll be dealing directly with you.

 

Call me a bitch, but if it was me... she'd never know for sure if he was in my bed or not, at least not until I got bored of pissing with her. Just desserts for a woman who was willing to f*ck somebody else's husband.

[sumdude]

YEAH LJ ... turnabout's fair play.. keep him off balance. Smile while you get what needs to get done behind the scenes. Let HIM wonder what the heck is going on with you for a change.

[mammax3]

Ugh, LJ, tonight didn't go as you'd've liked...

 

I asked about her. Yes, I did. And he answered (!!) my questions. I wanted to know, and I told him it's NOT because I want him back, but I wanted to know more about the woman he chose over his kids. I asked if she thinks he's scum, or disgusting for what how he's behaving with us. Obviously not, I suppose, but I just wanted to send him the message.

 

We got into a bit of match, not yelling (the kids were in the next room) but heated. I teared up and let all my emotions hang out there (darn these hormones!) and layed it out again for him that he's being a jerk, and I don't want him back. He said I always turn all the conversations around and answer my own questions for him and draw my own conclusions so what's the point of communicating with me?? I said well then, consider communication ended. We've not spoke more than three words since.

 

I was crying crying (so not "okay" as I posted just earlier today) and a friend said that even though I know we're better off without him, it's still okay and healthy to cry about what's lost.

 

I think I was in denial. I'm seeing his stuff leave the house, I'm seeing the life he's creating without me and the kids, I'm seeing him get and send text messages and phone calls, I'm hearing the words from my mouth as I tell the kids it's over. And I've been so emotional all afternoon/evening. The long view shows this is for the best, but it's still a change and I'm still upset. I feel i shouldn't be upset since I know it's for the best but I still am.

 

I'm looking forward to the divorce papers, to getting it all closed off and done.

 

I'm looking forward to some dating too! Not soon, but the idea of going out for dinner with men, and him trying to impress me, and talk about current events! Ahh! I'm not ready, but it is nice to think about!

 

Thanks for your suggestions LJ. I'm not very good at the 'games' piece, but I think I'll try to be as unplugged as he is (although it does feel like it's too much of a gift for him to not have any repercussions)... and when that ink is dry! Well, I don't know how I'm going to be.

 

I'm off to bed.

I wish there was a heart smiley.

[Ladyjane14]

I was crying crying (so not "okay" as I posted just earlier today) and a friend said that even though I know we're better off without him, it's still okay and healthy to cry about what's lost.

 

Your friend is right, honey. It's okay to cry and it's okay to feel your feelings. He hurt you. And he did it for his own selfish reasons, as if you weren't important. You wouldn't be human if that didn't make you feel emotional with all you had invested in the relationship.

 

There'll be time later on down the pike, when you're feeling better... to piss with their heads. Let's call it 'something to look forward to', shall we?

But that's not for today. For today, you just get a deep breath, give yourself credit for more class than either one of those two gutless bitches will EVER have... and get yourself some sleep.

 

Like I told you before... to the people who REALLY matter in your life, you're already a hero. Never forget it.

[azianpride143]

Mammax we all have that small shred of hope deep inside. It does take time to get over this person you have loved and spent almost eternity with. No matter how we try to convince ourselves that we can move on. It's still there. We deny but were human and we can't just turn it off like a light switch. We know in our mind what needs to be done. But our heart is a different story. All we could do is go through it day by day. Accept the reality and hope that someday that love will fade away. That doesn't mean we can't go on with our lives and do what we have to do. I wish you the best and take care of yourself.

[Gunny376]

Once in a while these kind of relaltionship stand the test of time ~ but if I were a betting man, I would dare say that their relationship will fall flat on its face in about two years time. Why?

 

Lots of reasons.

 

First off, she knows he's a cheater. And she knows that if he can walk out of marriage and a woman, esprecially one that just gave birth to yet another one of his children ~ then walking out and cheating on her is going to be a walk in the park.

 

Then when he's getting 1/4 tp a third of his after tax income taken out that's not going to be so much money for tha' good times, (and I just know that as a soon to be single mother that you're going to keep the income tax deduction ~ right) so that means there's going to be even less money, when he starts filng Single claming one. For some reason the government thinks single people have more disposable cash, and so they tax them at a higher rate.

 

It'll be easier on you, once he's packed his trash and is gone. In fact! I'd be handing the yellow book and tell him to find him a motel room for the remainder of his stay.

 

The sooner you introduce him to Mr. Reality the better!

 

Make sure that anything he leaves behind that you mail it to him ~ postage due! Make sure that you change the locks to everything.

 

I know that its hard for you to see it, but you're going to be better off without this clown in the long run.

 

Once he's gone, you can set up your house, and household the way you want to. You can organize things in your house, your household and your life the way that you want to. You and the kids can and will get into a routine. You can get that inflow of positive energy back into your lives and your Home.

 

He and her have absolutely zero chance of being successful in a relationship. Why? Because they've not taken the time and necessary work that is needed to fully comprehend and understand why their last relationship failed and didn't work. And the reason it failed is because they can't or won't look at the three fingers they've got pointing back at themselves.

 

Just keep posting, and we'll get you through the lows, and back into the highs! One day you'll come back on here and tell us that you've meet the most amazing and wonderful man and he's crazy about you and the children, and how wonderful life is.

 

And, don't think for a minute there's not guys out there that's willing to take you and the children on. There are. There's all kinds of guys. There's guys who have been married, that wanted children, whose wife couldn't have children. And your loving little bundles of joy suits them just fine. There are guys, that they themselves can't have children, but want them. And, they're all to willing to step in and be a Dad and a Husband.

 

You're a strong woman with a lot of good love to give!

 

As LJ once said, this is the end of your marriage ~ not the end of your life! Cry your eyes out, get it and him out of your system.

 

When I went through it ~ I cried my baby blues out! But, then I said, "Hey! When its over, its over ~ and that's just how it is! What one woman will abuse ~ another can certainly use!" And then I got busy picking myself and moving on, moving ahead, moving forward. You eventually will reach the point as I did, of realizing its time to let all the women (men) know you're free and back out here again.

 

But this time, your older, wiser, smarter, more experienced. You know not only what you want and need, but what you don't want and need, and looking for. That's what was missing the first time around.

[Gunny376]

Mammax we all have that small shred of hope deep inside. It does take time to get over this person you have loved and spent almost eternity with. No matter how we try to convince ourselves that we can move on. It's still there. We deny but were human and we can't just turn it off like a light switch. We know in our mind what needs to be done. But our heart is a different story. All we could do is go through it day by day. Accept the reality and hope that someday that love will fade away. That doesn't mean we can't go on with our lives and do what we have to do. I wish you the best and take care of yourself.

 

Its not a question of falling out of love, its not a question of your love fading, its not a question of turning it off like a light switch ~ its a question of over-coming, adpating, adjusting, and learning how to live without someone you were once in love with.

 

I still to this day love my XW, always will. But, I've got it reduced down to her being the Mother of my children. Not the GF, wife that she once was.

 

I understand now that my XW is a grasshopper, and that I'm an "ant" type. She lives life day by day, while I'm the type that is thinking five, ten, fifteen years ahead. My X use to tell me, "You can't plan for tomorrow, because you don't even know if you'll be alive!" The concept of a budget is beyond her grasp. The very concept of "Plan and save as though you will live forever ~ but be prepared if you die tomorrow" is totally and completly beyond her understanding! Equally so, the concept of "You can pay now and play latter, or play now and pay latter!"

[Melovator]

If you hold your ground and keep her out of the co-parenting loop, refusing to let her horn in... she's gonna BURN with insecurity because he'll be dealing directly with you.

 

Call me a bitch, but if it was me... she'd never know for sure if he was in my bed or not, at least not until I got bored of pissing with her. Just desserts for a woman who was willing to f*ck somebody else's husband.

 

That's beautiful LJ! I'll definitely remember this for future reference should I need it!

 

I was crying crying (so not "okay" as I posted just earlier today) and a friend said that even though I know we're better off without him, it's still okay and healthy to cry about what's lost.

 

I think I was in denial. I'm seeing his stuff leave the house, I'm seeing the life he's creating without me and the kids, I'm seeing him get and send text messages and phone calls, I'm hearing the words from my mouth as I tell the kids it's over. And I've been so emotional all afternoon/evening. The long view shows this is for the best, but it's still a change and I'm still upset. I feel i shouldn't be upset since I know it's for the best but I still am.

 

I'm looking forward to the divorce papers, to getting it all closed off and done.

 

You are allowed to be upset, cry, rage, rant! He's a f**k-tard! Get as much as you can out so you can leave it behind. Have a great big session- Then have a shower, do your hair and make-up, put on your prettiest outfit and stand in front of the mirror and feel fabulous! Even if you're not going anywhere but to change nappies it'll feel good- I promise! Really and for true. You are fabulous Mammax- you have grace.

 

I'm looking forward to some dating too! Not soon, but the idea of going out for dinner with men, and him trying to impress me, and talk about current events! Ahh! I'm not ready, but it is nice to think about!

 

And if you get dressed up after the kids have gone to bed you could get in your sexiest lingerie, have some 'alone time' and really 'think' about that date...

 

Sorry if this is a fluffy post- everyone's said all the big stuff- and sometimes being all girly can give you a pick-me-up that helps you get through. Take care of yourself and your little people.

[mammax3]

Thanks. You guys really rock!

 

LJ you're right, there will be plenty of time for tactics other than just managing later on. I have to remember not to rush me or the kids, and time will make it all better. Thanks for the encouragment.

 

AP thanks for your comments. It's so helpful to know others have/do feel the same way. I agree with the love fading away, it's hard to shake a 10 year and 3 kids bond - at least for me! Maybe not so much for him.

 

Gunny you hit it on the head for me! I couldn't imagine the type of guy I might be looking for, and who might be looking for me. I never thought of all those variables.

 

Melo, I didn't think your post was 'fluffy'! I think you're awesome.

 

And today! It was necessarily more strained than last night after our 'conversation'. I haven't engaged him in any way. I'm not rude, but I'm not chatty and relaxed like yesterday morning. He slept in this morning and didn't do one sweet thing until I lit a small fire under his a$$.

 

I asked him if he needed a ride to the donation box for the things he's not taking with him and he kind of spluttered a bit.

 

Me: Are ALL of your things out of the garage and the basement?

Him:No, they aren't.

Me: What is still there that needs to be brought up?

Him: *some* items

Me: What are you planning on doing with them?

Him: Uhm...

Me: Don't think I'm going to haul them up the stairs and try and load them into the car with the three kids running around and then taking all of your stuff to the dump or the donation box!

Him: Well, what do you want me to do with them? Today's Sunday. Nothings open!

Me: That's not my problem. You knew what needed to be done this weekend and how you organize your time is your business. We agreed all your stuff would be out this weekend.

Him: Or it would be thrown away.

Me: Yes, and I'm not going to figure out how to get your stuff to the dump for you. I'm done picking up your garbage.

Him:Fine.

 

He needed a ride to the donation box as well as to pick some stuff up, so I said I'd give him a ride. The kids and I were waiting and waiting, and I'd prefer to do something else than watch him load up, waiting to be his chauffeur. So I asked how long would he need, cuz otherwise I've got stuff I need to do. He said "Gimme a minute". And I said "Please. You don't need to be rude. Or maybe it'd be easier for you to find your own transportation." But he zippied up and we all went at that time.

 

I'll no doubt post more today. Just a quick (long) update.

[Ladyjane14]

You okay, Mamma? You said you had more on your update, but you didn't come back. I hope all is well. (????)

[mammax3]

Here I am! And I'm glad my weekend is over.

 

I feel fresher and more bouncy with his stuff being out of the house. I'm looking forward to doing the decorating and painting that all of you recommend when a partner leaves. I get why it's so important now. It's like putting your stamp on all that is yours and yours alone. I'm not even sad.

 

As tough as this weekend was, I'm so glad that it all played out the way it did. Right now (and I'm sure I'll change a bit as time goes on) I feel collected and confident, positive I can do 'this'. I really needed to see that he's gone and the house being cleared of his cluttered has driven that point home. I must have been holding a small shred of Hope like you suggested, AP, even though my head knew I didn't want him.

 

I ended up driving him to the airport (I know, I know). I was feeling kind of teary and emotional - like the last tie he and I shared as partners (vs. as parents) has been severed with him removing stuff. I wanted to tell him about some of the things I've learned and share my feelings. I nearly had to bite my tongue to stop. I said something to him (not personal, but more personal than the weather) and he barely responded. I didn't want my private thoughts to be out in the air and into a man who doesn't care about me. Y'know? It's like they're more precious than that, to just be bandied about...

 

Earlier we talked about the kids and how carelessly he's treated us - no interest in them, not maintaining the agreements we had verbally chosen to get us through to the legal ones, not keeping his word etc. He said he'd like it to be different, but it's pretty busy out there blah blah blah, and he'd try to do better. I told him that it hurts that he doesn't even feel the need to apologize for how *****ty he's being, and some other emotional things. He shared some of his... Mostly it seems, he just tucks his feelings away so he doesn't need to feel bad.

 

None of this has made a difference as to me wanting him back, so I don't know why I bothered to talk to him like that. I suppose it's since we're going into the legal arena, I needed to give him the one last chance to try and tell me that the kids are important to him, and that he is, in fact, a man somewhere in that body. He only barely succeeded in convincing me, and it was all at my insistence. So, i'll just be watching for the actions, since the words have been spoken but that doesn't mean they're true.

 

Letting in the thoughts of him screwing (what did you call it again, Gunny?) the OW, talking to her the way he used to with me, touching her and being aware that all that went on before he even told me would have made me go ballistic! Since it doesn't serve any purpose to think those thoughts or go ballistic or even be angry, each time they'd creep in I'd push them out. As a result, I feel that he got 'off' too easily. But seriously? Let her have him! I'll leave him off.

 

What an emotional weekend though! I'm so relieved that we've told the kids, and his stuff is out and I'm making plans to finish off the summer painting and organizing *my* house. I'm good. I'm ready. I can handle it and do it all with grace and glee.

 

But you'll totally hear from me again! I'm beginning to see it's an "every day as it comes" sort of process, hm? So maybe tomorrow I won't be so positive! lol

[Gunny376]

Awww heck, I can't leave you on such a downer.

 

Call me a bitch, but if it was me... she'd never know for sure if he was in my bed or not, at least not until I got bored of pissing with her. Just desserts for a woman who was willing to f*ck somebody else's husband.

 

A more Spartain woman than you ~ was never born!

 

Ooooraaahhh!