husband's baby with someone else!

[lookingforhappiness]

Hi! I wanted to get some truly honest advice from people who don't know me.

My husband and I have been married almost 5 years and have seperated twice. We have a two year old child and another on the way. Our last seperation was from when our child was 8months old until he was about 15 months. I left my husband because he lied to me nonstop and had cheated on me, partied all night and had no respect for me as his wife and his own baby didn't know him because he was never home. When I left him I moved back accross the country to where we are both from and had my own life and was very happy. He paid child support for a while but then cut me off because I refused to give any of it back when he asked for it after not going to work and partying too much. I supported our child on my own, with much love and support from both of our families. While we were seperated, my husband had a relationship with a young woman. I don't know how long it lasted, but shortly after it was over he swore he changed and wanted me back. I beleived he changed and we started communicating, resulting in us getting back together shortly after and me moving our child back out accross the country to be with my husband. I had no idea about this girl he had been with as I had not asked and did not care what he did while we were seperated as long as he changed and it would not affect our family. ONE month after moving back to be with him he told me that there was this "crazy slut" saying she was pregnant with his child. He reassured me there was no way it was his - but he only told me this because friends of ours found out what she was saying and made him tell me to be fair. I became consumed with proving that the unborn child was not his, I made him tell me when he had sex with her and I found out what her due date was. Unfortunatly it totally matched. BUT he swore up and down he used a condom and used it properly and he made it sound like it only happened maybe a couple times and that she was nothing to him. Turns out....the girl did call him after she'd found out she was pregnant to tell him and he told her it wasn't his and he hung up on her. She has never named anyone else as the father but my husband says that's because no one else she's slept with has a job. The issue went away for a while because he called the girl and told her that if it was his he would take custody of it from her, as she used to be involved with drugs. (He used to be involved w/ drugs too btw but has changed.) After months of not hearing anything my husband's employer received a letter looking for him from the Child Support Office in our town. He went into this office to find out what the letter was about and the mother of this baby had gone in looking for subsidy and before the government will give you any money they make an attempt to find the father. My husband had the paper work for a DNA test drawn up and did give his sample.

In the mean time we ended up discussing the issue. At first he said if it were his he wanted nothing to do with it. He'd pay support for it but didn't want it around. Apparantly he said this because he thought that is what I wanted. I told him I thought that was awful he wouldn't want anything to do with his own child, but that I didn't know if i wanted to be a step mom. I told him quite frankly that I just didn't know how I felt about it. Shortly after that I found out that I am pregnant. This was the absolute LAST thing I wanted to find out. This would make 3 children under the age of 3 for my husband when it's born. AFTER I found out I was pregnant my husband comes home one day and tells me he has a phone number to contact someone if he finds out that the baby is absolutely his so that they can take a hair sample from the other mother, test for drugs, and give him the baby. So he wants to take it now. And also, he came home drunk one night and I asked him about being worried now about it being his and he said "Well she promised me she was on birth control" - wouldn't someon using a condom properly and only a couple times not be concerned with birth control? I know my husband and a condom is the last thing he's thinking about when blood has left his brain and headed towards his penis.

I really think the baby is his, we have not had the DNA test results back tho. And if it is his - I feel decieved and very hurt. He was told about this pregnancy with her BEFORE we got back together and BEFORE he let me move my entire life accross the country and leave behind my family and job. He knew this possibility but did not tell me till after I was here and until he was told by mutual friends that I needed to know. Also, clearly since my husband makes the money in the family he's assuming that I'll stay home to look after his 3 kids (one not being mine) while he works and has a life. I'm unhappy but I don't know how to tell him that I am mad at him for something that has not technically been proven beyond a doubt yet. I know that if I got pregnant while we were seperated he'd have nothing to do with me. It's not fair that the tables are reversed and I decided to take him back to give my son his father back, i made that decision not knowing all the facts.

What do I do?

[norajane]

Leave him, go back to your family, file for child support. He hasn't changed and never will.

[lookingforhappiness]

I forgot to mention in my very long winded post, that since getting back together he has stopped the partying 99% and has become a good father to our child. That's what makes this difficult, if he were still showing his ********* behaviour all the time I'd have left without this issue of the other baby. But our child loves having us together and if i left the child would only see his father 1-2 times a year because of the distance. I feel trapped

[norajane]

I forgot to mention in my very long winded post, that since getting back together he has stopped the partying 99% and has become a good father to our child. That's what makes this difficult, if he were still showing his ********* behaviour all the time I'd have left without this issue of the other baby. But our child loves having us together and if i left the child would only see his father 1-2 times a year because of the distance. I feel trapped

 

So what if he stopped the partying? He hasn't stopped lying to you...regarding the condom and the birth control and if it's his baby and that WHOLE thing. So he's still a liar.

 

And he's not exactly setting himself up for 'father of the year' with his new baby's mother. And you're worried he's going to leave you with 3 kids at home to take care of, one of which isn't yours.

 

He hasn't changed. He just stopped partying...for now.

[lookingforhappiness]

i really hate that i think you're right! i still don't even know if the other mother has brought her baby in for the DNA sample, last i heard she was planning on doing it 'very soon'. I put myself in her shoes sometimes and I just can't imagine taking my kid for a DNA sample for a dad that has said he'll take it away from me.

[Enema]

For those that want to read something less likely to give you brain cancer.

 

Hi! I wanted to get some truly honest advice from people who don't know me.

 

My husband and I have been married almost 5 years and have seperated twice. We have a two year old child and another on the way.

 

Our last seperation was from when our child was 8months old until he was about 15 months. I left my husband because he lied to me nonstop and had cheated on me, partied all night and had no respect for me as his wife and his own baby didn't know him because he was never home.

 

When I left him I moved back accross the country to where we are both from and had my own life and was very happy. He paid child support for a while but then cut me off because I refused to give any of it back when he asked for it after not going to work and partying too much.

 

I supported our child on my own, with much love and support from both of our families. While we were seperated, my husband had a relationship with a young woman. I don't know how long it lasted, but shortly after it was over he swore he changed and wanted me back. I beleived he changed and we started communicating, resulting in us getting back together shortly after and me moving our child back out accross the country to be with my husband.

 

I had no idea about this girl he had been with as I had not asked and did not care what he did while we were seperated as long as he changed and it would not affect our family. ONE month after moving back to be with him he told me that there was this "crazy slut" saying she was pregnant with his child. He reassured me there was no way it was his - but he only told me this because friends of ours found out what she was saying and made him tell me to be fair.

 

I became consumed with proving that the unborn child was not his, I made him tell me when he had sex with her and I found out what her due date was. Unfortunatly it totally matched. BUT he swore up and down he used a condom and used it properly and he made it sound like it only happened maybe a couple times and that she was nothing to him.

 

Turns out....the girl did call him after she'd found out she was pregnant to tell him and he told her it wasn't his and he hung up on her. She has never named anyone else as the father but my husband says that's because no one else she's slept with has a job. The issue went away for a while because he called the girl and told her that if it was his he would take custody of it from her, as she used to be involved with drugs. (He used to be involved w/ drugs too btw but has changed.)

 

After months of not hearing anything my husband's employer received a letter looking for him from the Child Support Office in our town. He went into this office to find out what the letter was about and the mother of this baby had gone in looking for subsidy and before the government will give you any money they make an attempt to find the father. My husband had the paper work for a DNA test drawn up and did give his sample.

 

In the mean time we ended up discussing the issue. At first he said if it were his he wanted nothing to do with it. He'd pay support for it but didn't want it around. Apparantly he said this because he thought that is what I wanted. I told him I thought that was awful he wouldn't want anything to do with his own child, but that I didn't know if i wanted to be a step mom. I told him quite frankly that I just didn't know how I felt about it.

 

Shortly after that I found out that I am pregnant. This was the absolute LAST thing I wanted to find out. This would make 3 children under the age of 3 for my husband when it's born. AFTER I found out I was pregnant my husband comes home one day and tells me he has a phone number to contact someone if he finds out that the baby is absolutely his so that they can take a hair sample from the other mother, test for drugs, and give him the baby. So he wants to take it now.

 

And also, he came home drunk one night and I asked him about being worried now about it being his and he said "Well she promised me she was on birth control" - wouldn't someon using a condom properly and only a couple times not be concerned with birth control? I know my husband and a condom is the last thing he's thinking about when blood has left his brain and headed towards his penis.

 

I really think the baby is his, we have not had the DNA test results back tho. And if it is his - I feel decieved and very hurt. He was told about this pregnancy with her BEFORE we got back together and BEFORE he let me move my entire life accross the country and leave behind my family and job. He knew this possibility but did not tell me till after I was here and until he was told by mutual friends that I needed to know.

 

Also, clearly since my husband makes the money in the family he's assuming that I'll stay home to look after his 3 kids (one not being mine) while he works and has a life. I'm unhappy but I don't know how to tell him that I am mad at him for something that has not technically been proven beyond a doubt yet. I know that if I got pregnant while we were seperated he'd have nothing to do with me. It's not fair that the tables are reversed and I decided to take him back to give my son his father back, i made that decision not knowing all the facts.

 

What do I do?

[Zona76]

Can your husband do the world some sort of honor and get himself "fixed"? I can recommend a Vet. They did I nice neuter on my dog.

 

Seriously woman. This man is not worthy of any relationship.

Right now you have grounds for divorce. PLUS he's going to have to fork over $$$ to pay support for your babies.

[NoIDidn't]

Wait for the DNA results and keep talking to your H. I disagree that you should just up and leave him now. He's obviously in distress about the possibility of having another child and thinking that the way to fix it is to remove the mother from the equation.

 

If he has stopped partying 99%, that's a good sign. He told the common lie used when the OW finds out that she is pregnant "I swear I used a condom" to the "But she said she was on birth control". Have him get tested for STDs. You will have those tests done anyway being pregnant, but request them specifically anyway.

 

I don't think he is a lost cause just yet. He may be realizing that he just may lose you for good and he doesn't want that and is willing to truly change.

 

Best wishes.

[Lynna]

Okay, you are in a really rough situation. Since the baby was created before you were back together again, technically he was not cheating or lying to you. However, he did omit the truth when you were getting back together, probably as one of the other posters pointed out, in fear that you would not come back to him after all. Yes, he should have told you from the beginning. But, if he had, what would your reaction have been?

 

If you are truly convinced that he has reformed, and if you are otherwise happy in your reborn marriage, then, the way I see it, if the DNA results come back positive and the baby is his, these are your choices:

 

1. Ignore the child, the mother keeps the baby, he never sees it, but you do provide some child support

2. You share custody with the mother as is done in most cases of remarriage, you are the stepmother to his child from another relationship

3. You take full custody of the child, and the mother sees it occasionally or never

 

Which of these choices do you think you could handle?

 

Esentially, getting back together with your husband after a long period of separation, in this case, is as if you married him again. You said that what he did while you were apart did not matter. Well, in this case it looks like it may have created a child. The timing is the big issue here as many people raise stepchildren with lots of love. Unfortunately in your case, the stepchild is not from a previous relationship but one in the middle of yours. That does make it much harder.

 

Think about the child, find out what you can about the mother. Do you want your children's sibling to be raised by this woman with no input from their father (or from you)? Can you raise this child, either fully or with shared responsibility and love it at least almost as much as your own children? (Granted not as much, but enough that the child does not feel resented or hated - remember, the child did not ask to be born.)

 

I am sorry I don't really have any advice for you. But I thought maybe trying to line out your options and the questions that you have to ask yourself might be helpful. I thought it might help clarify things for you. I know right now things must be very confusing. I wish you all the best!

[child_of_isis]

Get away from this loser. Run. Go. Fast.

[lookingforhappiness]

he did omit the truth when you were getting back together, probably as one of the other posters pointed out, in fear that you would not come back to him after all. Yes, he should have told you from the beginning. But, if he had, what would your reaction have been?

 

 

 

If when we were just starting to communicate again he had told me about this situation I would NOT have resumed our marriage. I would not have allowed our communications to become friendly and intimate again. Remember, he was thousands of miles away from where I was. I would have told him that when he found out for sure that the baby was his he'd have to have everything worked out with that mother and some sort of arrangement for support and custody in place before I'd consider moving my life AGAIN to try at our relationship.

 

As for our relationship now....it's difficult. He knows I'm angry inside but we rarely talk about it. He knows it's because of this other baby and the whole situation. He thinks it upsets me he had sex with someone else, he doesn't see that what upsets me is that he didn't care enough about my feelings to tell me what I might have been getting myself into when we got back together - and that he lied to me about the situation even after the fact.

 

Also, we are in the middle of moving to another city a couple hours away from where we are now. My H is changing jobs, again. WHen I moved out here our plan was for my H to get his career on track and finish his education and once that was done we were going to move home. He no longer wants to move home and is pressuring me to buy a house out here. I don't want to buy a house until we get home, but he feels that I am not giving him wifely support by wanting to stick to our original plan.

 

SO much going on....

[lookingforhappiness]

he did omit the truth when you were getting back together, probably as one of the other posters pointed out, in fear that you would not come back to him after all. Yes, he should have told you from the beginning. But, if he had, what would your reaction have been?

 

 

 

If when we were just starting to communicate again he had told me about this situation I would NOT have resumed our marriage. I would not have allowed our communications to become friendly and intimate again. Remember, he was thousands of miles away from where I was. I would have told him that when he found out for sure that the baby was his he'd have to have everything worked out with that mother and some sort of arrangement for support and custody in place before I'd consider moving my life AGAIN to try at our relationship.

 

As for our relationship now....it's difficult. He knows I'm angry inside but we rarely talk about it. He knows it's because of this other baby and the whole situation. He thinks it upsets me he had sex with someone else, he doesn't see that what upsets me is that he didn't care enough about my feelings to tell me what I might have been getting myself into when we got back together - and that he lied to me about the situation even after the fact.

 

Also, we are in the middle of moving to another city a couple hours away from where we are now. My H is changing jobs, again. WHen I moved out here our plan was for my H to get his career on track and finish his education and once that was done we were going to move home. He no longer wants to move home and is pressuring me to buy a house out here. I don't want to buy a house until we get home, but he feels that I am not giving him wifely support by wanting to stick to our original plan.

 

SO much going on....

[lookingforhappiness]

oops, posted twice - SORRY

[VinaAmez]

As for our relationship now....it's difficult. He knows I'm angry inside but we rarely talk about it. He knows it's because of this other baby and the whole situation. He thinks it upsets me he had sex with someone else, he doesn't see that what upsets me is that he didn't care enough about my feelings to tell me what I might have been getting myself into when we got back together - and that he lied to me about the situation even after the fact.

 

If he knew before and didn't tell you, I'm guessing he knew you wouldn't come back so he got you back 1st and then told you. But he should have told you before.

[lookingforhappiness]

ya that's exactly what it feels like he did. he would never admit to that though. ever.

[Seen_It_All]

OMG - this guy is SUCH A FLAMING A*SSHOLE ON SO MANY LEVELS I can't choose just one.

 

For starters, I can't even BELIEVE this piece of garbage just expects YOU to raise his illegitmate kid (if it's his). The piece of sh*t wouldn't even support his OWN kids when you were separated and moved across the country - yet he has the BALLS to ask YOU to raise a kid he had with some whore junky???????

 

What is WRONG with this loser?

 

You need to get to the courthouse TODAY and get a support order put in place for your OWN children for child support from this piece of sh*it. TODAY.

 

REPEAT: TODAY!!!!!!

 

If she files first, the lion's share goes to HER. If you leave this pile of garbage (which you SHOULD do TODAY) any child support order YOU put through the courts afterwards will garner you LESS money because the illegitimate one will be getting the most.

 

ALL this loser has DONE is lie, lie, lie. Do you HONESTLY think he's going to have some kind of epiphany and change his ways? He's a low life scumbag and you need to get a child support order FILED TODAY.

 

Don't say I didn't warn you.

 

Dirtbags like this make me puke.

 

Biggest mistake you ever made was to move back across the country to be with him.

 

You want even MORE proof that he's a dirtbag - BESIDES all the dirtbag crap he's pulled on you?

 

ONE month after moving back to be with him he told me that there was this "crazy slut" saying she was pregnant with his child.

 

Calling the woman he was STUPID ENOUGH to get knocked up a 'crazy slut.' It may very well be his child she's carrying and he's such a LOSER DIRTBAG that he can't even stop being an a*sshole long enough to show her a little respect.

 

Get away from this piece of sh*t before you end up getting pregnant yet again after THIS pregnancy.

 

You want to know what to do?

 

GO TO THE COURTHOUSE TODAY AND GET A CHILD SUPPORT ORDER IN EFFECT IMMEDIATELY!!!

 

Then pack you and your son up and get the HE*LL out of Dodge. This loser wants his kid so bad, does he? Then let HIM raise it. It's not your problem.

[lookingforhappiness]

Are you freaking kidding me? If I were to file for child support if i left my H after she filed SHE would get more for her ONE child than my soon to be TWO children? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

 

I've decided not to make ANY decisions until the DNA results are in. BUt when they come in if the other baby is his, I need to go home and get my life on track for my kids.

[Melissa277]

Are you freaking kidding me? If I were to file for child support if i left my H after she filed SHE would get more for her ONE child than my soon to be TWO children? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

 

I've decided not to make ANY decisions until the DNA results are in. BUt when they come in if the other baby is his, I need to go home and get my life on track for my kids.

 

SIA is right. I believe the first child gets like 17% of the gross income. After that the rest get like half of that. It probably depends on what state you're filing in but I would run as fast as I could and file before she does as soon as you find out that the baby is his.

 

Sorry for you're going through this. It's really a bad situation.

[lookingforhappiness]

I don't live in the states, I'm not sure exactly how they divide it up when there's multiple kids with different moms, it does go by his gross income here too tho. ugh, i feel like sh*t. i feel like calling the other mother to make sure she's brought her baby in for the sample but i feel like that's crossing a line

[Melissa277]

I don't live in the states, I'm not sure exactly how they divide it up when there's multiple kids with different moms, it does go by his gross income here too tho. ugh, i feel like sh*t. i feel like calling the other mother to make sure she's brought her baby in for the sample but i feel like that's crossing a line

 

Oh sorry. My bad. I didn't realize you don't live in the states. I know with multiple moms, the first one to file is the child who gets the most. They take 17% for the first and then a percentage of what's left for the second, third, and so on. And usually the later children get even less because they take into account the supporting parent's bills, living expenses, etc. I knew this guy that had so many kids by like three different moms, his paycheck for two weeks was for like seventeen cents once. Seriously. But that's the states ... IDK in your situation though. But, geez, honey, I would seriously do something soon.

[nittygritty]

I don't live in the states, I'm not sure exactly how they divide it up when there's multiple kids with different moms, it does go by his gross income here too tho. ugh, i feel like sh*t. i feel like calling the other mother to make sure she's brought her baby in for the sample but i feel like that's crossing a line

 

You know how much he paid you when you were separated. Were you legally separated? If you were and have not changed anything legally than you need to check the laws where you live. Your filing may surpass her filing.

 

I think your going to be sorry if you stay with this guy. Your going to have to constantly be checking things out to see if whatever he tells you is true. Is it because your pregnant that your afraid to leave right now?

 

I'm sure you love the guy and all but are you really doing yourself or your kids a favor by staying with a guy like this?

 

When is the baby due?

 

Do your family and friends know all of this has gone on since you've returned and if so what are they advising you to do?

[IWALH]

Never mind, I'll ask in a PM.

[lookingforhappiness]

[sIZE=2]Thanks for the help with the information guys, I really appreciate it. I had NO idea that child who is filed for first receives the bulk of the support available. Here they will garnish a parents wages as well if they do not voluntarily pay support, I've heard of similar things where they have pennies left after a pay. It takes a long time to get child support awarded, especially if we're living in seperate parts of the country.

 

Nittygritty, we were LEGALLY seperated last year, but the child support I recieved at the time was not court ordered. It was a verbal agreement that we made when I left him. After he renegged on it I did get a lawyer to pursue court ordered custody and support. However nothing official ever happened because we ended up back together. And I did change my marital status back to MARRIED when we filed our income tax. So it looks like that won't help me if I leave.

 

Being pregnant now does make it harder for me. If I went home I'd only be able to work about 6 months before having the next baby, I am due in February. I can't afford to ship my things (and all the baby/kid stuff) home that I'd need for my little one and myself, I'd have to start over again. Also the employment situation at home is poor. My very close friends know about the situation, and the only family member I have told about it was my mother when she was here visiting. My friends are SO supportive. They've never urged me to come home, as they know how hard I've worked in putting our family together, but I know they would not think twice about my decision if I moved back. My Mom wants me to move back if it's his. She's never said that but I can tell. She did tell me that if I decided to come back home my entire family would be really sad for me that things didn't work out but that they'd be supportive.

 

I do love my husband - it's not the same as before but it's there. He's gone sometimes for work and when he's not here I don't miss him. But when we do family things together I really enjoy every minute. When we were seperated before I felt awful about my son not having his dad there. And that was when he didn't even know his father. He knows and loves him now very much.

 

It's also really hard because it's a one way or the other decision. I can't just move home for a while and see how things transpire if it's his kid. Home is over 3 days away.

[/sIZE]

[nittygritty]

we were LEGALLY seperated last year, but the child support I recieved at the time was not court ordered. It was a verbal agreement that we made when I left him. After he renegged on it I did get a lawyer to pursue court ordered custody and support. However nothing official ever happened because we ended up back together. And I did change my marital status back to MARRIED when we filed our income tax. So it looks like that won't help me if I leave.

You should check the laws where you live. In the US changing your marital status on a income tax return doesn't change an unfinished legal separation agreement. Your attorney may be able to continue the case from where it left off.

[nylah]

I am so sorry for you....it sounds like he only got back with you so you could help him deal with his mess.....it's amazing to me how quick your husband is to low-rate the woman he was sleeping with now that she's pregnant and he doesn't want another baby...if she was as bad as he says, then what does that say about him if he was having sex with her....it says a lot....didn't you say that the reason you left was because he was cheating on you??...I hate to say this, but your husband sounds just awlful...how could you even consider getting back with him??? You and your children deserve so much more!!