my issues with weight

[allina]

Allina, why are you being this hostile? Could it be that you have personal issues with me therefore choose to dislike what I have to say? Not once did I call you a doormat. Read what was asked by dia42much, then read my response about doormats.

 

Whoa there, why would I not like you? I don't know you and haven't interacted with you much on LS. Actually I often enjoy reading your advice, and I see no hostility in what I just posted, I don't feel any either.

 

I'm frustrated in part because I feel like you aren't understanding me and aren't hearing what I'm trying to say. I feel like your response it along the lines of "there there shhhh it's ok" it is nothing personal at all, I just feel like on this specific thread we don't see eye to eye, which happens and your input is always welcome.

 

So I don't know why you accused me of being hostile and not liking you.

[YellowLioness]

I'm having a hard time reading this thread, so I finally decided that I couldn't keep my mouth shut any more, LOL!

 

My suggestion is for the people who are very focused on how other people look, and constantly comparing themselves to others in that same respect, just perhaps you should involve yourself in another, more worthy persuit of your time and mental efforts.

 

For example, volunteer for a day at a homeless shelter, or a humane society. It's really hard to be focused on how fat you feel when you're doing something good for someone else. It tends to put life in perspective. Besides, you'll get that happy glow when you've been able to help someone or some poor animal that otherwise wouldn't have been helped or cared for.

 

As for me personally, I am a size 14. I exercise, I watch what I eat very carefully, and all in all I'm a pretty healthy girl who has just quit smoking.

 

This is just the size that I am. I don't worry if people think I'm fat. I look good in my clothes, and my boyfriend finds me very attractive. Guess maybe I'm lucky in that sense?

 

By the way, it REALLY gets on my nerves when people say "fat" like it's a dirty word. I think that's the real reason why I'm posting here.

 

I don't have a "gut." In fact, my tummy is flat. I don't have fat rolls, nor do I have any dimples anywhere that aren't supposed to be there (if you catch my drift). I suppose that I'm built like Marilyn Monroe as compared to Audrey Hepburn or "Waif." I could't fit into a pair of size 8 jeans if my life depended on it

 

Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that there is life outside a size 0. Sounds like you didn't get this way on your own. Good luck on learning how to chill out and enjoy your body.

 

Now, I'm not saying that you should go out and eat 20 pieces of pizzas and an ice cream Sunday. I'm just saying that you should stop and smell the roses.

 

Just my two cents!

 

~YL

[Trialbyfire]

Whoa there, why would I not like you? I don't know you and haven't interacted with you much on LS. Actually I often enjoy reading your advice, and I see no hostility in what I just posted, I don't feel any either.

 

I'm frustrated in part because I feel like you aren't understanding me and aren't hearing what I'm trying to say. I feel like your response it along the lines of "there there shhhh it's ok" it is nothing personal at all, I just feel like on this specific thread we don't see eye to eye, which happens and your input is always welcome.

 

So I don't know why you accused me of being hostile and not liking you.

Right. You accuse me of calling you a doormat and being dismissive, when none of that is true.

 

No. I never once said any of that and the overall attitudes posted within this thread are mine alone. That is what I believe. I've got some serious problems with seeing how society dictates what's attractive and what's not. I absolutely refuse to be moulded by social requirements of beauty. I will decide what I want to look like and feel great about doing so. If someone finds me too fat, too thin, not pretty enough, not smart enough, too fricken' bad.

 

I look at people who constantly fight this self-image problem and it bothers me. I hate to see it. Why should someone who's attractive in their own way feel like they need to pop diet pills to conform to that image? It's prevalent and sad as hell. When eating disorders are so prevalent, what do you suppose causes them?

[allina]

My suggestion is for the people who are very focused on how other people look, and constantly comparing themselves to others in that same respect, just perhaps you should involve yourself in another, more worthy persuit of your time and mental efforts.

 

As for me personally, I am a size 14. I exercise, I watch what I eat very carefully, and all in all I'm a pretty healthy girl who has just quit smoking.

 

This is just the size that I am. I don't worry if people think I'm fat. I look good in my clothes, and my boyfriend finds me very attractive. Guess maybe I'm lucky in that sense?

 

By the way, it REALLY gets on my nerves when people say "fat" like it's a dirty word. I think that's the real reason why I'm posting here.

 

I don't have a "gut." In fact, my tummy is flat. I don't have fat rolls, nor do I have any dimples anywhere that aren't supposed to be there (if you catch my drift)

 

Thanks for your reply, I just want to point out that the weight thing is only a small fraction of who I am. I do many worthwhile things, I actually donate to the humane society each month, I adopted my two cats from there and i'm a strong believer in helping homeless animals, but that isn't really the point here.

 

The point of this thread was not for me to say that every woman should strive to be a size zero. You think you look great in a 14, awesome for you, I wish I had that outlook, and I believe that you do look great. Honestly though I have a very hard time imagining how a size 14 has a flat tummy, but it doesn't matter my issue not yours.

 

And I'm sorry but to me "fat" is a dirty word, i am terrified of being called fat and each time my parents call me fat, ask when was the last time I went to the guy, what I had for dinner and so on it hurts a lot.

 

Do you know that I lie to my mom about what i had for dinner if it's something I know she wouldn't approve of? Have you ever been in that situation? Do you have any idea what impact that can have on someone? I don't know why I feel the way I do but I do.

 

This thread wasn't posted to insult larger women, I know people get very passionate about the subject. Any of this make sense?

[allina]

Right. You accuse me of calling you a doormat and being dismissive, when none of that is true.

 

I look at people who constantly fight this self-image problem and it bothers me. I hate to see it. Why should someone who's attractive in their own way feel like they need to pop diet pills to conform to that image? It's prevalent and sad as hell. When eating disorders are so prevalent, what do you suppose causes them?

 

I wasn't ACCUSING you of anything, I was posting back to you, maybe having misunderstood a few things you said. I don't understand why you think I'm being negative to you personally when I've stated that I appreciated your input.

 

In the second paragraph I quoted, I don't think people should feel like they need to do anything, this isn't something I push on others just myself.

 

And I think most easting disorders aren't caused by the media but abuse.

[Trialbyfire]

In the second paragraph I quoted, I don't think people should feel like they need to do anything, this isn't something I push on others just myself.

 

And I think most easting disorders aren't caused by the media but abuse.

Might I ask why you compare yourself to others? If someone has an LV purse, do you also need to have it?

 

No doubt there's an underlying self-esteem issue but don't tell me that the media and fashion/cosmetic industry doesn't feed and bloat off this.

[allina]

Might I ask why you compare yourself to others? If someone has an LV purse, do you also need to have it?

 

No doubt there's an underlying self-esteem issue but don't tell me that the media and fashion/cosmetic industry doesn't feed and bloat off this.

 

No, it has NOTHING to do with materialistic things. I would feel completely silly carrying such an expensive purse, but this is an example of how incorrectly you have pegged me.

[laRubiaBonita]

And I'm sorry but to me "fat" is a dirty word, i am terrified of being called fat and each time my parents call me fat, ask when was the last time I went to the guy, what I had for dinner and so on it hurts a lot.

 

Do you know that I lie to my mom about what i had for dinner if it's something I know she wouldn't approve of? Have you ever been in that situation? Do you have any idea what impact that can have on someone? I don't know why I feel the way I do but I do.

 

This thread wasn't posted to insult larger women, I know people get very passionate about the subject. Any of this make sense?

 

i can totally relate. my mother and her mother have a very warped relationship with food and body image.

 

i was fat as a kid, developed bulemarexia when i was 16, and i struggle with it today.

i am a healthy weight now, clothing size does not effect my psyche as much as the numbers on the scale.

 

when i was a chubby kid, we would stay at my grandparents in the summer and my grandmother would put my sister and i on a diet right away, she always had something negative to say about my hair, my weight, she loved to dictate what and when we were allowed to eat.

my mother is the same, she would tell us we were pigs, and fat, yet she would by all this crappy food, because she herself is an emotional eater.

 

my mother has always been chunky, 4 years ago she had gastric bypass, she lost about 100 lbs., but she still eats emotionally and i think she has stopped losing weight. but since she has lost weight, she thinks she is the bees knees, and it has given her this ego.

 

since almost dying from anorexia, my grandparents and mine- to an extent, have stopped commenting to me about weight and food. my mother still does- of course. but my sister told me people are scared i will go back to my "old ways".

my older sis is still chunky, and she tells me that our mom is always saying snide things, and my little sis- who is back from school.... she put on about 10 lbs, so my mother is picking at her too.

 

i am not as critical as i used to be about weight... even my own. but it is something i know i will never NOT be thinking of.... when i was severly underweight consumed all my thoughts.

[Trialbyfire]

No, it has NOTHING to do with materialistic things. I would feel completely silly carrying such an expensive purse, but this is an example of how incorrectly you have pegged me.

No, once again you're misunderstanding me. It's not about materialism, it's potentially about superficiality but even moreso, who are you allina? Why must you compare yourself to others? What causes that need in you?

[doiask42much]

Allina, did you see the post by loquacious about the critical mom and dad driving her crazy? They told her she was fat and needed a personal trainer and not to come home till she had lost weight. A similar but more extreme scenario.

 

I guess I misspoke on what TBF's point was. Her point was YOU should define what you want to look like, not others. Not your mother, nor your graduating class, nor the media. But that takes a pretty strong sense of self to do. I know I definitely don't have that and have always been easily swayed by others.

[allina]

i can totally relate. my mother and her mother have a very warped relationship with food and body image.

 

i was fat as a kid, developed bulemarexia when i was 16, and i struggle with it today.

i am a healthy weight now, clothing size does not effect my psyche as much as the numbers on the scale.

 

when i was a chubby kid, we would stay at my grandparents in the summer and my grandmother would put my sister and i on a diet right away, she always had something negative to say about my hair, my weight, she loved to dictate what and when we were allowed to eat.

my mother is the same, she would tell us we were pigs, and fat, yet she would by all this crappy food, because she herself is an emotional eater.

 

my mother has always been chunky, 4 years ago she had gastric bypass, she lost about 100 lbs., but she still eats emotionally and i think she has stopped losing weight. but since she has lost weight, she thinks she is the bees knees, and it has given her this ego.

 

since almost dying from anorexia, my grandparents and mine- to an extent, have stopped commenting to me about weight and food. my mother still does- of course. but my sister told me people are scared i will go back to my "old ways".

my older sis is still chunky, and she tells me that our mom is always saying snide things, and my little sis- who is back from school.... she put on about 10 lbs, so my mother is picking at her too.

 

i am not as critical as i used to be about weight... even my own. but it is something i know i will never NOT be thinking of.... when i was severly underweight consumed all my thoughts.

 

Thank you for sharing that LRB, i know it's personal and hard to talk about. My grandparents and parents are similar to yours, except both of my parents are very very thin, as my mom is still borderline anorexic (at best) and my father is a dedicated marathon runner.

 

On top of snide comments I also get a lot of "you're younger you should look thinner/better than your mother!"

 

I'm happy to hear that you're doing much better with your struggles.

 

Why must you compare yourself to others? What causes that need in you?

 

Well a big part of opening this up for conversation and figuring all that out, I also mentioned several times in this thread what triggers these feelings in me, other than that I really don't have all the answers.

[allina]

Allina, did you see the post by loquacious about the critical mom and dad driving her crazy? They told her she was fat and needed a personal trainer and not to come home till she had lost weight. A similar but more extreme scenario.

 

I guess I misspoke on what TBF's point was. Her point was YOU should define what you want to look like, not others. Not your mother, nor your graduating class, nor the media. But that takes a pretty strong sense of self to do. I know I definitely don't have that and have always been easily swayed by others.

 

No, I haven't seen that post, I'll go look for it.

 

It is a good point, but I feel like it's not that simple.

[Green]

Look if you are fat being unhappy about it isnt going to help you, your still going to be the same great or ****ty person whether u lose or gain the weight. Try to live your life healthy and pride yourself in looking good and for the love of god dont turn into the clichee anoyingy bioch always asking if they look fat

[doiask42much]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t123286/

 

Allina, this is the thread.

 

I know it isn't that simple. Developing a strong sense of self, especially when you haven't had one for most of your life, is a very complicated issue. And so are the issues you have with your parents. It's all very complicated, believe me, I get it. But we all have to start somewhere and figure out some broad concepts in order to start understanding ourselves and taking action.

[Trialbyfire]

Well a big part of opening this up for conversation and figuring all that out, I also mentioned several times in this thread what triggers these feelings in me, other than that I really don't have all the answers.

Do you want to be your mother all over again? If you're not careful, you will pick up her illness. Break the cycle allina. The next time she makes a comment like that, maybe it's time to explain the facts of life to her. Be honest with her. Mother, you're anorexic. I think you need help. I'm fed up with your criticism of me.

 

Until you defeat this, your self-image will continue to take a beating over this.

[doiask42much]

Look if you are fat being unhappy about it isnt going to help you, your still going to be the same great or ****ty person whether u lose or gain the weight. Try to live your life healthy and pride yourself in looking good and for the love of god dont turn into the clichee anoyingy bioch always asking if they look fat

 

I've never asked anyone if they thought I was fat, nor would I ever. Like anyone's going to TELL you? I bet Allina isn't one of those "anoyingy bioches" either.

[Trialbyfire]

I'm going to add one more thing about a cycle. Your mother leveraged off you, for her own self-esteem. In criticizing you, she made herself feel good about being thinner. I would hope it wasn't intentional.

 

Could you see yourself doing this to your own children? Particularly if it is unintentional?

[dropdeadlegs]

allina,

I really think that how you feel is pretty common. After reading all the posts, I think you are normal in wanting to please your parent, even when you know your parents view is skewed. Don't most children want their parent's praise?

 

The trick is to temper the desire for that praise with your own knowledge and understanding that just because they are a parent doesn't mean they are always right.

 

What TBF said about confronting your Mom about how her comments make you feel and how her opinions are not necessarily correct in every way can be very liberating, but it is also very hard to do. I wasn't able to be completely honest, and at times argumentative, with my parents until I was in my early thirties. Now I think they are a bit afraid of my reactions, not that that was a good outcome, but I feel like I'm on more even ground than ever before. It's like I finally grew up and realized that just because I don't conform to all their ideals, I'm still an okay person, even a good person.

 

My issues with them had little to do with weight, but I feel that this "issue" may involve more than one topic anyway.

 

You seem to know that your weight issues are distorted to a degree and I feel certain that you WILL break that cycle with your children through loving and kind words, but I also know that I have to be careful with words and actions addressed at myself, as well as with my kids. Even though I tell them they are beautiful, I know I would better teach that lesson by feeling beautiful myself. (Sorry, my issues are more directly linked to self esteem than yours are.)

 

I won't deny that anything like this is hard to overcome. I wish I had a better self image even though I recognize how far I have come since childhood. You know, they say recognizing a problem/fault is the first step to overcoming it. I don't actually blame my parents ( they did the best they knew how to, same as me) but I can certainly trace some of my issues to how I was raised. If I can break a cycle or two, hallelujah!

[YellowLioness]

Honestly though I have a very hard time imagining how a size 14 has a flat tummy, but it doesn't matter my issue not yours.

 

QUOTE]

 

Wow...

 

The thoughtlessly rude comment I should have expected. (BTW- I'm happy to inform you that you're wrong, on top of being rude).

 

I won't get nasty back to you, but you at least gave me an insight to how truly thin people think and the things they are willing to sacrifice to be the way they are.

 

I'd like to say that after reading your post that I'm really really thankful that I had the parents that I had, and the friends I have, and the boyfriend that I have, and that I don't feel like I have to be anyone but who and what I am.

 

 

So...thanks for reminding me of where I was, and where I am now. However, I digress:

 

Anyway, on to you- perhaps Trial is right. Maybe it is nature over nurture with you. Due to your comment, I feel that she is right by saying that it makes you feel superior to get those jabs in, perhaps in the way your mother treated you.

 

Because you are small, you feel like you are better.

 

I would say this: You definately need to get yourself to a better place mentally and emotionally for you. In your shoes, I would consider therapy or counceling and maybe try to branch yourself out in regards to friends and friendships and new positive experiences.

 

 

 

In regards to having children, it is easy for parents to superimpose themselves on their children. Sins of the father (or in this case mother) and what not. Unless you want your children to have the same bitter hang ups that you do, you are going to have to work through this before you concieve, if you care that much.

[allina]

 

Wow...

 

The thoughtlessly rude comment I should have expected. (BTW- I'm happy to inform you that you're wrong, on top of being rude).

 

I won't get nasty back to you, but you at least gave me an insight to how truly thin people think and the things they are willing to sacrifice to be the way they are.

 

I'd like to say that after reading your post that I'm really really thankful that I had the parents that I had, and the friends I have, and the boyfriend that I have, and that I don't feel like I have to be anyone but who and what I am.

 

 

So...thanks for reminding me of where I was, and where I am now. However, I digress:

 

Anyway, on to you- perhaps Trial is right. Maybe it is nature over nurture with you. Due to your comment, I feel that she is right by saying that it makes you feel superior to get those jabs in, perhaps in the way your mother treated you.

 

Because you are small, you feel like you are better.

 

I would say this: You definately need to get yourself to a better place mentally and emotionally for you. In your shoes, I would consider therapy or counceling and maybe try to branch yourself out in regards to friends and friendships and new positive experiences.

 

 

What in the world are you talking about?? I said many times that I thought all women could be beautiful and that i didn't think i was better than anyone. How many times do i have to repeat that?

 

Also what does this have to do with my friends? Nothing! It's clear that you know nothing about me, just made a ton of assumptions.

 

And since I have never before seen you on LS I was interested in looking at some of your posts, very interesting.

 

You claim that you're so happy and looking good in your size 14 but you yourself posted several times calling yourself fat! And you mentioned wanting to get back in to your size 12! Not to mention the fact that you said you worried about your overweight bf and were turned off by his large belly.

[allina]

I'm going to add one more thing about a cycle. Your mother leveraged off you, for her own self-esteem. In criticizing you, she made herself feel good about being thinner. I would hope it wasn't intentional.

 

Could you see yourself doing this to your own children? Particularly if it is unintentional?

 

Well I don't think I ever want to have children, nothing having to do with this issue I'm just not a fan of kids. If I decided to I think I'd be very careful about what ideals and ideas i out in their minds.

 

What TBF said about confronting your Mom about how her comments make you feel and how her opinions are not necessarily correct in every way can be very liberating, but it is also very hard to do.

 

Good post DDL, I'm only quoting this part because you're right about the rest and there wasn't much i could say. I have confronted my parents about it many times, it goes no where, ah well.

[doiask42much]

What in the world are you talking about?? I said many times that I thought all women could be beautiful and that i didn't think i was better than anyone. How many times do i have to repeat that?

 

Also what does this have to do with my friends? Nothing! It's clear that you know nothing about me, just made a ton of assumptions.

 

And since I have never before seen you on LS I was interested in looking at some of your posts, very interesting.

 

You claim that you're so happy and looking good in your size 14 but you yourself posted several times calling yourself fat! And you mentioned wanting to get back in to your size 12! Not to mention the fact that you said you worried about your overweight bf and were turned off by his large belly.

 

Allina, she meant the part where you questioned the possibility of having a flat stomach at a size 14. I must admit, I had the same kneejerk (and I do mean jerk) reaction, but I thought about it more, and it is possible. Some people are just big in girth but not necessarily fat. I honestly don't have much concept of what a size 14 looks like, but tons of men can be 34 inches around but have less fat than I do. Not to suggest that she is built like a man, but more just giving you an idea that people come in all sizes.

 

I have the same affliction as you, so I understand. Zero = beautiful. Bigger = not. Your impulse is to say the kinds of things your mother would say to you to other people. I've done that many times to my bf and others. It hurts you when she says that to you, so of course it hurts others. Your reaction to her post was to deny that you said such things then point out her own inconsistencies, which I bet is what your mother might do too. (My mother ALWAYS denies any fault when I try to talk about things, so I've given up trying. Once it ended with her in tears saying I was not her daughter, and I ended up having to beg her forgiveness.)

 

I haven't read lionness's other posts to see what she thinks about her body overall, but we all have days we feel good about our bodies and days when we feel less good. Maybe she was in one of those down cycles. Right now I feel like I look nice since I'm dolled up and ready to go out. I feel like I'm going to have one of those "take over the room" moments TBF was talking about. But yes, I have my days I think I'm ugly, fat, old, no good, unlikable, etc.

[This_Too_Shall_Pass]

Allina,

 

I personally think this thread's issue is still related to how you feel when you're at a social gathering or public place.

 

Here are my 2 cents:

 

If I saw a girl like you at a party (I don't know what you look like, but I'm trying to form a mental image), I really would not categorize you as "that guy's fat GF".

 

One, because you're not really fat if you wear a size 4 /5. And two, because I'd be paying attention to how you look overall. Not just your weight.

 

I would first look at your face, and see if you looked friendly or not. And then focus on your speech. My opinion of you will be based off of that.

 

Your personality will trump your physical "beauty" any day. Trust me on that one.

 

Now, if you think you really want to lose some weight, do so. Don't think about it from all tangents and twist your brains. Drop 5 pounds in a healthy way. Simple as that.

 

Just remember that there is no need to be a reed-thin size 0 or 1, when you can look just as pretty at size 4.

[Rain4]

Wow...

 

I think this thread is very educational for people who don't think about weight issues in this way. I would never have thought that a person could spend so much time agonizing over what other people think about how he/she look in his/her own clothes. (Yeah, yeah, I'm being gender neutral about a predominantly female problem... sue me.)

 

I know, the classic excuse... people are social creatures yada, yada. I guess I spent so many of my earlier years being rejected by my peers over just about anything under the sun that I eventually moved past caring on such a deep level. I diet to lose weight when I feel my size is becoming unhealthy. The rest of the time, I don't really care about other people's oppinions. I exercise because it's healthy, and it makes me look great in my clothes. If I like my outfits, and nothing unbecoming is exposed, I figure a viewer always has two options: close your eyes or look away.

 

The people in my family have always been a little fixated on appearances, so I garnered a few hang-ups (from my mother especially)... but at some point, I had to move past most of them. I don't want my life to be controlled by other people's oppinions of me. I can't please everyone, and part of me begs the question of if I really even want to (please everyone). If that makes me a classic bioch *lol* so be it.

 

Life is too short. I will live free and die happy - even if it kills me.

 

Smooches to all,

~Rain~

 

 

P.S. I'm 5' 6", and I've been anywhere from a size 4 to 12. I luv my curves and wouldn't wanna live without 'em. What you call fat, I call flavor. Spice it up a little ladies. (1_~)

[Raspberry]

I agree. It just seems that someone so obsessed with a size on a clothing tag is shallow. There is so much more to life and I feel sorry for the original poster and that she had such parents.