my issues with weight

[alphamale]

I'm trying to understand why I'm like this, how overweight women can look past their weight and feel beautiful, why my mothers statement about my weight crushed me so much that I can't let go of it to this day.

its the way you were socialized when growing up and how that affected your self-image as a child.

[doiask42much]

And my SO tells me I look good all the time, but unfortunately I assume he's biased because he loves me. I mean, I KNOW he lies to me occasionally to avoid upsetting me, so I assume he exaggerates in his evaluations of me also. Therefore the need to be validated by strangers. Twisted, I know.

[allina]

And my SO tells me I look good all the time, but unfortunately I assume he's biased because he loves me. I mean, I KNOW he lies to me occasionally to avoid upsetting me, so I assume he exaggerates in his evaluations of me also. Therefore the need to be validated by strangers. Twisted, I know.

 

I think I'm slightly different, i don't know. I believe that people honestly do find me attractive (not everyone of course) but it's about ME, for the most part. I think I've just really beat in to my head that fat is the worse thing a woman can be.

 

Maybe it is in part validation because it was really important to me that my bf's parents and co-workers thought I was really pretty.

 

Either way I agree that it is twisted logic.

[allina]

its the way you were socialized when growing up and how that affected your self-image as a child.

 

i agree in part, especially from the things my parents say to me (I wrote about it on the first page) but I'm not sure if I believe 100% the blaming the parents theory.

[alphamale]

i agree in part, especially from the things my parents say to me (I wrote about it on the first page) but I'm not sure if I believe 100% the blaming the parents theory.

I'm not blaming the parents. I'm more blaming your school, your neighborhood, your female friends, your TV set, your female magazines, the books you read, your house of worship, billboard ads, tabloid magazines, etc...

[allina]

I'm not blaming the parents. I'm more blaming your school, your neighborhood, your female friends, your TV set, your female magazines, the books you read, your house of worship, billboard ads, tabloid magazines, etc...

 

But ALL women see these same things, and there are many many many overweight women in the US, does that mean they aren't affected by these things, or do they all hate their fat and strive to be thinner?

[dropdeadlegs]

allina, you are certainly not alone in your feelings. I struggle very much with my own body image. I have been up and down much of my adult life and in all honesty, I was mentally, emotionally, and physically at my unhappiest when at low weights, but I sure thought I LOOKED fabulous.

 

What TBF said about fighting your natural weight is so true. When I'm in a good place in life, I simply weigh 20 pounds more than I would like to, even if that weight is completely in the healthy zone for my height and my BMI is considered good.

 

DIA2M has a point about a certain part of our bodies being unchangeable to a degree. I have a huge barrel shaped rig cage and there isn't any amount of weight loss that will make that part of me look good in my eyes. I admit that when I see a woman with a bare midriff and a midriff bulge (or roll) I wonder what she was thinking wearing that style of shirt. Certainly I know how to best hide my worst assets. Still, I'm much harsher on myself than on others.

 

alpha is right about it likely being a part of your socialization while growing up. My mother does not have what i think of as an eating disorder, but she has spent a lot of time on diets and with yo-yoing weight, almost never happy with her appearance. I'm sure that's part of my own image struggles.

 

I've never been a size zero or 1 in my life and I feel that I look best in a 4/5/6 but I am currently wearing 8/9 and I feel very self conscious. I never comment on someone who has gained weight, only those who have lost, but many people have commented on my gain over the past 18 months, which only furthers my own self disgust. Instead of worrying that others meet me and think my BF has a fat GF, I'm more concerned that they run around saying "have you noticed how much weight Patrick's GF has gained?"

 

Like you, my BF is very wonderful and makes me feel very sexy. He swears that he doesn't see any additional weight, but how can you not notice 2 pants sizes?

 

And yes, I DO think there are women who are larger and feel very sexy in their skin, unfortunately I'm just not one of them.

[norajane]

I'm not sure if you're understanding what I'm trying to say. I don't think it's all about looks, I do focus on the other things as well and my wonderful SO makes me feel hot. However, no matter what I'm always overly aware of fat and my body.

 

That's what I'm getting at - there are many people who are not always overly aware of fat and their bodies. They just live and do what they do, but don't have that fat track always running in the back of their minds.

 

I'm not some self loathing woman, and I'm not trying to whine about my weight, I'm trying to understand why I'm like this, how overweight women can look past their weight and feel beautiful, why my mothers statement about my weight crushed me so much that I can't let go of it to this day.

 

There has to be some self-loathing involved if it makes you feel terrible about yourself if you gain a few pounds, or if you aren't the skinniest woman in the room. Overweight women can and do feel beautiful, because their love for themselves and confidence in their worth isn't based on their weight. Obviously, not all overweight women can do that, but many do.

 

Your mother's statement crushed you because mothers can do that - her opinion and approval obviously mattered to you (as it does to most people), and it stays with you and affects how you see the world and yourself. People often take their cues from their parents on a lot of things - lifestyles, politics, money (while other people rebel against their parents' prejudices).

 

You're now realizing that her view is not the ONLY way to see things, and you can develop your own criteria for how you see yourself. Keep questioning it, be self-aware and stop the negative thinking when you start seeing yourself through your mother's eyes.

[alphamale]

But ALL women see these same things, and there are many many many overweight women in the US, does that mean they aren't affected by these things,

everyone is affected differently by their environment...

 

or do they all hate their fat and strive to be thinner?

how many billions of dollars is the dieting industry now? just seems to get bigger every year, like the avg american

[allina]

 

What TBF said about fighting your natural weight is so true. When I'm in a good place in life, I simply weigh 20 pounds more than I would like to, even if that weight is completely in the healthy zone for my height

 

Instead of worrying that others meet me and think my BF has a fat GF, I'm more concerned that they run around saying "have you noticed how much weight Patrick's GF has gained?"

 

I agree with the fact that not everyone can be a size 0, but with my bone structure my body can be a 0 *sigh*

 

I know what you mean about the weight gain, when I gained weight in college I was so ashamed to go back home because I was afraid i would run in to people from high school that knew me as the pretty size zero girl, I dreaded them saying "I ran in to allina and omg she gained like 20 lbs"

 

Your mother's statement crushed you because mothers can do that - her opinion and approval obviously mattered to you (as it does to most people), and it stays with you and affects how you see the world and yourself. People often take their cues from their parents on a lot of things

 

I think that the statement hurt me because I knew it was true. I think what my mother said, and the way she said it was cruel and not necessary but true, I can't describe how huge, ugly and ashamed it made me feel

 

And Alpha, do you agree or disagree with the statement that no man wants a fat woman?

[This_Too_Shall_Pass]

Allina, I don't think being a size 0 or 1 will make you feel incredibly good. Every body has a different optimum weight to function. Trying too hard will just make your immune system weak, and affect your skin and hair.

 

What's your BMI? If you're within the healthy range, and you still think you need to drop some weight, do so, but not with the goal of becoming reed thin.

 

You can lose about 10 lbs, maybe. Not more.

 

Rarely do people have a perfect body. Just accept it.

[alphamale]

And Alpha, do you agree or disagree with the statement that no man wants a fat woman?

I disagree...I know some men who are chubby chasers. Even the venerable ALPHA doesn't mind and extra 20 lbs on his woman

[doiask42much]

I admit that when I see a woman with a bare midriff and a midriff bulge (or roll) I wonder what she was thinking wearing that style of shirt. Certainly I know how to best hide my worst assets. Still, I'm much harsher on myself than on others.

 

Instead of worrying that others meet me and think my BF has a fat GF, I'm more concerned that they run around saying "have you noticed how much weight Patrick's GF has gained?"

 

 

While I am hard on people, I am definitely hardest on myself too.

 

And when people meet us as a couple, I'm actually more worried they will say I have a fat boyfriend (my family would FOR SURE say this), because he is actually fat. Sigh.

 

And now I've eaten my diet meal, I'm off to the gym...

[This_Too_Shall_Pass]

Being overly-concerned about your body is almost as bad as being competely careless.

 

Sometimes, our mind just picks out a thing to be stuck on. It could be anything - food, LS, or weight. We spend more time than is necessary worrying about it, then.

[doiask42much]

I just find that I hear people talk about people's weight behind their backs and I dread being the subject of that, even though it's unlikely I ever would be. My family comments on it very openly, as do many people of my ethnicity, so it's hard to totally ignore it and not fixate on it.

 

I've also been chubby before and noticed people treat you a lot differently. Not that anyone was cruel to me per se, but I was sort of...invisible. And when I wasn't fat anymore, suddenly people were nicer and wanting to talk to me, do things for me, invite me places, etc.

[doiask42much]

Maybe it is in part validation because it was really important to me that my bf's parents and co-workers thought I was really pretty.

 

Either way I agree that it is twisted logic.

 

I am the same way. I met my bf's coworkers and I know he had bragged to them about my appearance so they were expecting big things, and I don't think I quite delivered. And this is really uncharacteristic of him, but he actually asked me to put on makeup before meeting them when I showed up at his place with none on. He even went so far as to take me to buy some when I told him I hadn't brought any. It was really odd and unlike him but obviously it mattered what they thought about my looks. His family is pretty nice and accepting so I worry less about them, more about my family accepting my bf. They are very judgmental, as are people of my ethnicity in general, mostly about superficial things.

 

I'm also going to a wedding, and some girl my bf hooked up with ages ago is going to be there. We may even end up camping out in the groom's backyard with her and her bf. Sigh. And again, I'll feel pressure to be pretty, as she was the "hot chick" that everyone wanted to get with in college with "perfect boobs" and all this. He assures me he thought they were perfect till he saw mine (yeah, right) and she's way taller than me, so of course I feel sort of...inadequate already. I honestly don't find her that pretty and he says she was dumb as a post, but I didn't think she was that bad when I last met her? She actually seemed like a decent sort so I hope I can turn off these weird feelings I have and try to get along with her.

 

I know I need to stop comparing myself to other people and just try to be happy, but all my childhood my parents compared me to others, why can't you be like so and so? I know it was a long time ago and I need to just get over it, but easier said than done, especially since I know that I am a disappointment to them and I am not sure if they love me. I don't think they do.

[doiask42much]

Allina, why do you think you find it important that these people think you are really pretty? It sounds like they do; I'm just wondering if you know why you feel this way.

[Trialbyfire]

she's way taller than me, so of course I feel sort of...inadequate already.

I'm a little under 5'3". When I'm with my taller friends, they tend to make comments like "Gawd I feel huge because you're so small". So, consider that aspect. While you maybe feeling a little intimidated one way, she may also be feeling the same, in the opposite direction. So try not to sweat it.

 

I've grown to really like my height because it opens up the dating market for me even more.

[doiask42much]

Ha, right. I actually generally like my height when it comes to men but I feel strangely intimidated by tall women. I think I hate my legs and wish I had theirs? That and I always assumed people would take me more seriously if I were tall. As it is I feel like some kind of toy sometimes. I am five foot one and people often talk to me like I'm a child, I feel. Maybe it is in my head. I have a coworker who is about five foot ten and she's always commenting on feeling gargantuan compared to me and another girl my size.

 

This "hot chick" has a pretty modelesque build though, tall and slender with the aforementioned "perfect boobs." Even my bf's roommate commented on them, though he never saw them unclothed. Sometimes I feel I know far too much about other people's body parts. I also know she has no ass and that her current bf's penis is about the same size as my bf's. They all had some weird incestuous partner-swapping going on back in the day. I wonder if there was some lying done to coddle the fragile male ego.

[Trialbyfire]

Never let 'em see you sweat. Who cares what they look like? What matters is how you view yourself. Be happy and comfortable with yourself.

 

Do you recall any moments where you felt so good about how you looked/felt that you took over the room when you strutted in?

[doiask42much]

Yes! The moments just seem to be fewer and further between these days. But anyway, I feel I have hijacked Allina's thread and did not mean to get so far off the weight topic.

 

She said earlier that she beat it into her head that fat was the worst thing a woman can be. I'm curious as to what your opinion is, TBF (re: the worst thing a woman could be). You always come up with such great answers.

[Trialbyfire]

I don't see it as that far off-topic. The weight issue is tied into self-esteem.

 

The worst thing a woman or man can be, is to be a doormat.

[allina]

Allina, why do you think you find it important that these people think you are really pretty? It sounds like they do; I'm just wondering if you know why you feel this way.

 

I think it's because when I was a size 0 for all those years I was always described as "the little one w/ the perfect body" I was even voted best body in my graduating class. Now I've ruined that title by gaining weight but I still hope beople view me as attractive.

 

Who cares what they look like? What matters is how you view yourself. Be happy and comfortable with yourself.

 

This sounds like an American pat on the back general pick me up thing. I'm sorry but I feel like you're being very dismissive of what I originally needed to get off my chest. I'm not a doormat and I don't have self esteem issues, I just have a strict mentality about a my weight and I needed to get that off my chest and see if anyone out there can relate and discuss it with me.

 

, I feel I have hijacked Allina's thread and did not mean to get so far off the weight topic.

 

 

No, don't worry about it, I've enjoyed your input, post all you want.

[doiask42much]

I think it's because when I was a size 0 for all those years I was always described as "the little one w/ the perfect body" I was even voted best body in my graduating class. Now I've ruined that title by gaining weight but I still hope beople view me as attractive.

 

This sounds like an American pat on the back general pick me up thing. I'm sorry but I feel like you're being very dismissive of what I originally needed to get off my chest. I'm not a doormat and I don't have self esteem issues, I just have a strict mentality about a my weight and I needed to get that off my chest and see if anyone out there can relate and discuss it with me.

 

No, don't worry about it, I've enjoyed your input, post all you want.

 

I know what you mean, Allina. I don't think TBF is trying to be dismissive, it's just that our bodies do change with time and sometimes that can't be helped and we make ourselves crazy over it. I think her point was that you do your best, and after that, you just have to quit worrying. Not that you should not worry about your weight at all, as it's important to be healthy and being in shape makes you feel confident.

 

It's just when you start to obsess over it, it can become unhealthy and we can even start to get a distorted view of our bodies or place undue importance on them, as I tend to do. I am a size 0 but the times I have crept up to a 2 I have wigged out like mad. I always say it's because I'm short I must stay thin. There is a girl at work who's a little shorter than me but is plump and she looks like a ball. I would hate to be that way. I have depended on my appearance for positive feedback from people of both genders all of my adult life. It pains me to see myself changing and getting older. Although I can do my best to keep in shape, I certainly can't do much about getting older, and I just have to accept that and not go insane over it.

 

I know it sounds like an American pat on the back; I've had similar thoughts myself, but at the end of the day, it probably makes you happier than stressing about things beyond your control (what people think of you). I've grown up with parents who didn't mince words and told me all of my flaws and never said anything positive, and it's turned me into this strange person. If patting yourself on the back helps avoid these neuroses, maybe it isn't such a bad thing? I guess try to find a balance between the two? Because it's not like I think people should delude themselves into thinking they look fine when they are overweight either.

 

You know what weight you look and feel your best at. High school was probably a while ago? You are a woman now, and you probably have more curves. I really liked what TBF said earlier about how fighting your natural body type is futile and that when you keep sensible habits, your body will look the way it is supposed to. I actually like my body now more than I liked my HS body; I was too thin and bit shapeless back then. Maybe you've grown into your figure too. You're not 18 anymore so you shouldn't expect to look like you are, and I doubt anyone else expects you to either. I would venture to guess that most of your high school peers look different also.

[Trialbyfire]

This sounds like an American pat on the back general pick me up thing. I'm sorry but I feel like you're being very dismissive of what I originally needed to get off my chest. I'm not a doormat and I don't have self esteem issues, I just have a strict mentality about a my weight and I needed to get that off my chest and see if anyone out there can relate and discuss it with me.

Allina, why are you being this hostile? Could it be that you have personal issues with me therefore choose to dislike what I have to say? Not once did I call you a doormat. Read what was asked by dia42much, then read my response about doormats.