SurfGirl42 Posted July 2, 2007 Share Posted July 2, 2007 My fiance and I (he is 31 and I am 28) are getting married next July. We have been engaged for not quite a year. While we see eye to eye on just about everything else, we come from very different financial backgrounds. My family is very middle class, both parents have always worked, and I have always supported myself and put myself through college. His mom has never worked and his dad makes a LOT of money. He never had to pay for his college education, car, etc. He and his family (he has 3 sisters and 1 brother) have traveled all over the world. I am starting to feel jealous of the money situation. I have never been outside the US, although travelling is something that I have always longed to do. I work 60+ hours a week at a stressful job, but I cannot afford to travel internationally the way that I have always dreamed. He is taking a 3 week luxury cruise through Europe next month with his family and I am feeling very resentful. I would love more than anything to have this opportunity and desperately need the vacation (I have been saving up my vacation time for our wedding which is out of state). Although I have friends here and will make a point to keep myself busy while he is gone, I can't help but feel extremely jealous and resentful that he gets to travel yet again. Every time I think about him laying around on a ship or exploring a new city while I'm in stressed out in my office over yet another deadline, I get sick to my stomach. I'm having a really, really hard time being happy for him. I don't want to be that woman that can't be happy for their future husband, but at the same time I am sick with jealousy because he has been given yet another opportunity that I have always dreamed of but could never afford. I know that this trip is costing his family about $8,000/person. Am I out of line for feeling this way? How can I get over my resentment? Link to post Share on other sites
melodymatters Posted July 2, 2007 Share Posted July 2, 2007 I understand how you feel, but I would look at the big picture if I were you. Once you are married, I'm sure YOU will be invited and going on vacations you couldn't afford otherwise, right ? Link to post Share on other sites
michelangelo Posted July 2, 2007 Share Posted July 2, 2007 From your perspective you are shut out of a uniquely wonderful experience with the man you love and his family. And you are working so hard that you feel as though you deserve to be rewarded by this cruise. You also feel insulted that you were not asked to go and have the travel paid for. I'll bet from their perspective this trip is just another family bonding experience that they've always done. since you are not married yet they did not feel like bringing you along and paying for it too. The family may also be thinking it is the last time they are all together as a unit: parents and their kids without wives, etc. Like it or not, spouses added in change the dynamic for some people. I am sure that once you are married, as another poster wrote, you will be embraced fully into the family and get to join into the rewards of being well off. BTW, maybe you ought to ratchet down your 60-hour weeks and ask your fiancee to pony up more resources for the wedding and/or go for a less resource-intensive start to your marriage. BTW II, Is your fiancee also working 60-hour weeks? Link to post Share on other sites
Author SurfGirl42 Posted July 2, 2007 Author Share Posted July 2, 2007 Perhaps it is that I'm feeling excluded by the family, but the overwhelming issue for me is that I feel jealous because I so desperately need a vacation. My work has been taking over my life lately and I feel so stressed and just want to get away for a week. My fiance does work hard, but not as much as I do. He usually works about 30-40 hours a week and manages to do okay. It's to the point where I don't even want him to email me or call me while he's gone, because I don't want to hear about how great it is while I'm so stressed that I'm practically pulling my hair out. I feel like the "right thing" to do would be to listen to him tell me about how awesome and relaxing it is and be happy for him, but I just can't do it. They are starting preparations for it now and I don't even want to hear about the fun excursions and activities they have planned because I don't want to picture it. Link to post Share on other sites
melodymatters Posted July 2, 2007 Share Posted July 2, 2007 It sounds like you are focusing on THEIR vacation, because you so desperately need some time off. I would be very honest about how I felt to my fiance. Maybe he could get you a spa package, or you could treat yourself to some little "happy" thing. You really DON'T want to make a big issue out of this, it will make you look like a bitch, and could possibly preclude the chance of you joining family vacations in the future. I know how hard it is to let go of something that your obsessing on, but really try. Take a deep breath and think long term, long term, long term. Link to post Share on other sites
michelangelo Posted July 2, 2007 Share Posted July 2, 2007 Your irritation with their vacation plans will drive a wedge between you and your fiancee. It is a bit childish to feel as you do. On the other hand, you are working too hard! Why are you willing to work 60-hour weeks and your fiancee barely puts in full time hours at a job? That will not work once you are married. If you are resentful now, just wait. You will be more so if you continue to perceive your hard hours are not balanced by equal effort by his part. I really think you ought to consider ratcheting back on the hours. If that means a job change or a cheaper place to live, or getting rid of a car, then do it. Time is more valuable than a 3-week cruise to your happiness. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted July 2, 2007 Share Posted July 2, 2007 I do understand the need for a vacation but resenting family money will not go away. Even when you're married, his family money is not your money to share. I think you need to be comfortable with this fact because in future, it sounds like this type of situation will happen again. I say this because as his fiancée, they probably would have invited you if this was going to be the case for future. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SurfGirl42 Posted July 2, 2007 Author Share Posted July 2, 2007 Besides changing my job and/or hours, what can I do to make this easier on me? Is it better to go with my instincts and not have contact while he is away because that (hearing about what I am missing out on) would make me feel worse? Should I feel obligated to talk to him on the phone and via email even though it will make me feel crappy? Link to post Share on other sites
michelangelo Posted July 2, 2007 Share Posted July 2, 2007 Being unwilling to even communicate with your fiancee while he is on vacation is petty. You can control your envy and your reactions. Think of it. He's off on a lovely cruise, surrounded by fun, and he STILL wants to talk to you. Then when he does, what does he get? Hostility. That kind of reaction would send a lot of people looking for the fun surrounding them and seeing the contrast with talking to you. See what I mean? Rise above your envy, of course you should speak to him on the vacation. control your negative emotions about the trip. Link to post Share on other sites
VIP Posted July 2, 2007 Share Posted July 2, 2007 I think you don't love him, because love means to wish him good and to wish him happiness. You only think about yourself and about his money. It's not his fault, that you cannot save money for travelling. You don't feel bad, because he is away. You feel bad because he is feeling good. By all means let him know about your feelings, so he knows what he is getting himself into. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted July 2, 2007 Share Posted July 2, 2007 This is NOT good... not a good start... His family don't owe you anything... no vacation... nothing... If you really loved your fiancé you would be glad for him to be so lucky to have a nice, wealthy family... you have to understand his family...it's not all about you. Their wealth will not disappear once you get married to him...and if they (family) ever feel you resent their fortune...hummm you're in for a very unhappy life with them... I never had (still don't) one single jealous bone in my body... my last ex is filthy rich... even richer than when we were together...but I'm glad for him... he deserves it. You resent your fiancé,because you feel you deserve a vacation... of couse we all do... but the reality is that YOU can't afford one and he can... so your turn will come... just be patient. My last advice...if you don't change your attitude regarding his family and the money they have, you will be awfully unhappy and your marriage won't last. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SurfGirl42 Posted July 2, 2007 Author Share Posted July 2, 2007 I really do want to do the right thing. I know my feelings arent entirely justified, but they are so strong that I just want to make them stop. I think part of my bitterness is also stemming from the fact that I am rearranging my schedule for this trip. He asked that I take him to and from the airport. I'm getting up at 3:30am to take him to the airport and then home to get ready and then to work for 10 hours after that. When he comes back I am picking him up at 1:00am and have to be at work at 6:00am, so there's more lost sleep. I know this may seem petty, but the fact that I am losing sleep and rearranging my schedule for HIS trip makes me feel a bit out of sorts. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted July 2, 2007 Share Posted July 2, 2007 If it bothers you, tell him to take a cab to and from the airport. Why would you agree to do something like this when you're already unhappy about the trip? Link to post Share on other sites
michelangelo Posted July 2, 2007 Share Posted July 2, 2007 Tell your fiancee that because of your work schedule it would be best if he caught a super shuttle or a taxi to the airport. They are reasonably priced and since he is loaded, he can afford a paid for ride. I don't like the pouty thing about not going, but you don't have to drive him to the airport in the middle of the night either. Tell him with enough time for him to schedule a ride with one of those services. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SurfGirl42 Posted July 2, 2007 Author Share Posted July 2, 2007 So, about the ride thing. I asked him if he could just get a cab or have a friend of his take him, and he got very offended and said that he really wanted me to take him. He also stated that if I were the one going on the trip he would drop everything and take me and pick me up. The difference here is that he doesn't have set hours and so he has the schedule that would comfortably allow for that. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted July 2, 2007 Share Posted July 2, 2007 To some extent I agree with him... I would want my fiancé to drive me... and trust me... when you'll have kids you'll lose sleep over them... That's life...sometimes we lose sleep for people we love... Jealousy...or I should say 'ENVY' in your case...is NOT a good presage for a happy life together... sorry but if you resent him now... trust me you will see his 'wealthy selfish little him' a lot more once you're married... trust me on that one. Link to post Share on other sites
michelangelo Posted July 2, 2007 Share Posted July 2, 2007 is pretty love sapping. You want proof of your status with him so you are hurt that he is going on a big vacation with his family. He wants proof that you love him by being willing to drive him to the airport at 3 a.m. even though you work the next morning, despite being able to afford a ride. Why is a vacation proof of love? Why is a ride to the airport at a totally inconvenient time proof of love? What it is, is a series of tests that you two are making, hoopjumping to see if the other really cares. Stop playing the game! Link to post Share on other sites
child_of_isis Posted July 2, 2007 Share Posted July 2, 2007 I am seeing this all differently. If my family were wealthy and ask me to go on vacation, I would absolutely insist that my fiance go also. Even more so if she/he had been busting her/his butt for 60 hours a week, and I knew all that I knew about the stress, lack of travel etc. I get the feeling that he did bring this up to the family and they turned him down. So he decides to go anyway. I don't feel any of this has to do with family fortune or jealousy, but respect and putting my partner first. I mean really...is this the way it is always going to be? Him living the good life on dad's dime while she works sun up to sun down to survive? Don't put yourself in her shoes, put yourself in his. Could you leave your overworked overstressed fiance at home to pull out the 60 hour work week, (while you sucked down margaritas in the sun) or would you insist that she go also? Link to post Share on other sites
bish Posted July 2, 2007 Share Posted July 2, 2007 He is taking a 3 week luxury cruise through Europe next month with his family and I am feeling very resentful. Am I out of line for feeling this way? How can I get over my resentment? Well, I'd say that since it is with his family, you may be a little out of line. If he was doing this with a group of guys, you might have a right to be a little pissed, but not being married yet, I don't know. Now if you were married and he went on a vacation without you, then I would cry bullshi!t and would be pissed. This is probably his last time to go on vacation with his family. Because once he is married, he will have a new family and that will be his focus. I understand you would like to go, but he needs this one last time with his family. If you were married, then I'd feel insulted that you weren't going with. Link to post Share on other sites
melodymatters Posted July 2, 2007 Share Posted July 2, 2007 I've been following this thread all day and what keeps popping out is : Where is the honesty and communication ???? I would feel badly if I was leaving my fiance for a three week vacation, and would be very understanding of their feelings : " Oh honey, I wish you could go, I'm going to miss you so much, wait until our honey moon when I take you to blah blah etc etc" Not getting pissy about a ride. And you SG42, are you TELLING him how you feel ? " I love you and am happy for you, but I am working so hard and am so stressed and broke I am feeling really jealous and I don't want to feel this way" It seems like there should be much more of THAT type of caring for each other and sharing of feelinfgs if you are planning on getting married !! Link to post Share on other sites
VirtualInsanity Posted July 2, 2007 Share Posted July 2, 2007 I am starting to feel jealous of the money situation. I bet. I'd never marry anyone loaded. Talk about two different worlds. Did his parents ask him to come along? Maybe they want to spend time together. His parents don't have to ask BUT once your married you shouldn't be excluded from vacations. Every time I think about him laying around on a ship or exploring a new city while I'm in stressed out in my office over yet another deadline, I get sick to my stomach. Can you handle being w/ someone who has it easy while you don't? Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted July 2, 2007 Share Posted July 2, 2007 Perhaps it is that I'm feeling excluded by the family, but the overwhelming issue for me is that I feel jealous because I so desperately need a vacation. My work has been taking over my life lately and I feel so stressed and just want to get away for a week. My fiance does work hard, but not as much as I do. He usually works about 30-40 hours a week and manages to do okay. It's to the point where I don't even want him to email me or call me while he's gone, because I don't want to hear about how great it is while I'm so stressed that I'm practically pulling my hair out. I feel like the "right thing" to do would be to listen to him tell me about how awesome and relaxing it is and be happy for him, but I just can't do it. They are starting preparations for it now and I don't even want to hear about the fun excursions and activities they have planned because I don't want to picture it. Quit being a whiner. The world doesn't owe you anything. Like you wouldn't go if the tables were turned? Sounds like you are marrying this guy for the wrong reasons. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted July 2, 2007 Share Posted July 2, 2007 your post made me think of something... maybe she is a whiner, negative... and maybe his family knows that and that's why they didn't invite her... they want him to have a good time... LOL This is strange... I get a feeling she's not that much appreciated by her in-laws.... just a feeling. Link to post Share on other sites
VirtualInsanity Posted July 2, 2007 Share Posted July 2, 2007 I get a feeling she's not that much appreciated by her in-laws.... just a feeling. They might be stuck up. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted July 2, 2007 Share Posted July 2, 2007 They might be stuck up. maybe...maybe not... we only have one side of the story here... and not a 'good' side if you want my opinion... Maybe the family will try to talk him into some sense... LOL This marriage definitely WON'T work... not when a partner is whining and envy his SO... no way. Link to post Share on other sites
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