Michael Posted February 18, 2003 Share Posted February 18, 2003 hi, im new here and i really do need some good advice. Ill explain my situation, I am nearly 18, so im 17 now and im a male. I have been with a girl for nearly 8 months now and she lost her virginity to me. She was the 2nd girl i had been with. Before this relationship with her i had been with her on 2 other occasions, they both didnt work out and ended up with us fighting and hating each other but some how the 3rd go has really worked out and we have both falled in love with each other. I am now having second thoughts on being with her, its very hard to put into words but lately over the past 3-4 weeks i have felt very pressured by her. She had been getting angry and upset when i was spending time with my friends at school rather than being with her and she gets very jealous whenever i talk to a girl. We have also always had our little fights.. About 2 weeks ago we had a small fight and it seemed to get to me more than others had in the past, i started to have feelings like i didnt want to be in this relationship, i wasnt happy. I talked to her about it a week ago and said i wasnt happy and she did get upset about it and basically begged me not to do anything stupid because she 'needed' me and she loved me so much. She said she would be devastated if we broke up and i couldnt do it. Anyways i said i needed to think about my feelings... A week later and the same feelings are still here, i havent changed and i really am not sure if i can break up with her or not...I have a feeling like i think that the time has come but i cant bear to do it to her because i dont want to hurt her, i love her. We also have some of the same friends and im worried about what they will think of me if i break it off with her. I dont want to be seen as an ass hole and the last thing i want to do is hurt my girlfriend. Im in such a tuff situation i really DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO... PLEASE someone help me. If anyone has had these feelings i really do need HELP PLEASE. Thanks for reading Michael Link to post Share on other sites
Reckless Posted February 18, 2003 Share Posted February 18, 2003 Hi Michael, Well as I was saying to the SHOUTING GIRL, break ups suck, whether you're the heart breaker or the heart breakee You really don't have a lot of choice on this one. Of course you could give it more time, see if there's something specific in the relationship that you both could work on to improve things, all relationships have their ups and downs and if you can grow together then you might be able to work things out. If, however you have out grown the relationship and really want out then there is no other way but to tell her as kindly and as clearly as you can. I must say that if you have been together on two previous occations and it didnt' work out - doing the 'rubber band' thing (pull away, spring back) trying 'third time lucky' may not have been the best of ideas - anyway, that's with hindsight.... From what you said, it doesn't sound like she is going to take it very well (her jealousy and anger show she already knows that things aren't quite right between you and is feeling frightened and insecure). You probably can't avoid it getting messy and painful, (friends may take sides although it is of course none of their business and they really shouldn't get involved) some may be lost, but for true friends you will only be seen as an 'ass hole' if you are deliberately cruel and/or dishonest with her. You cannot stay in a relationship out of fear or guilt but no one can tell you what to do, stay or go, stick or split. Talk it over with her, you both sound very unhappy, if you can soothe her pain and still be happy yourself, that's good, if making her feel happy and secure you are unhappy, that's bad. Either way, be kind. R. Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted February 18, 2003 Share Posted February 18, 2003 You need to explain to her that if "small" fights make your feelings change so dramatically, you are not an ideal partner for her. Tell her you feel she is very special, that you love her and because of that you know she needs a boyfriend who is not so inclined to get so upset and whose feelings are more stable so if there are fights those feelings don't change so radically. Let her know she needs to find a boyfriend who is more skilled in conflict resolution...a boyfriend who can communicate, talk out and resolve disputes and arguments in a rational manner. Tell her you are obviously not that person because you let the argument get to you so much and she doesn't deserve a guy like that. Tell her you need a girlfriend who is more understanding about your need to spend a reasonable time with friends...one who doesn't get jealous about that important time spend outside the relationship. The very purpose of dating is to find a partner who is compatible and who understands you and accepts you the way you are. Of course, there are always rough edges that must be worked out. If you are able to communicate you can resolve almost any disagreement amicably without getting negative feelings. I think both of you are very young and may go through many boyfriends and girlfriends before either of you are ready to settle down. Her behaviour is her problem but you need to concentrate on yours and on understanding that disputes and disagreements are part of human nature and must be dealt with in a mature fashion without them affecting your feelings in such a dramatic way....unless, as I said...their nature is so bizarre you simply have to move on. Argue nice, always and try to work things out if you can! Perhaps you are not sufficiently fond of her that you want to stay with her...but you seem to care enough to not want to hurt her. It's pretty hard to break up with somebody without there being some hurt. I guess it depends on how you do it. Just be kind about it and remember you are NOT responsible for how she reacts. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Michael Posted February 18, 2003 Author Share Posted February 18, 2003 wow, thankyou to you both....I think i now do know in my mind that i cannot be with her any longer. She is coming over this morning and i am going to have to find the courage to do it, i think she does know why she is coming over but that doesnt make it any easier. I really dont want to hurt her because we have had great times but i feel there is no other way. Ive given it time to try and see if i can work it out but it hasnt changed anything....I feel so terrible...ill let you know how it goes. Thanks for the replies you have helped me get my head a bit straighter. Michael Link to post Share on other sites
Author Michael Posted February 19, 2003 Author Share Posted February 19, 2003 well its over...she came over today i had to end it. It was the hardest thing ive ever had to do in my life and i feel like the biggest prick living on this earth right now, she was devistated like i was also. I think some people think its easier for the person breaking it off but i know now thats not the case, this has been so hard for me and im now at the stage of thinking that i HAVE MADE THE WRONG CHOICE...Does anyone know if this is normal? i really feel i have made a mistake and im now thinking of all our good times we had together and its just making it much harder for me to deal with. I spoke to her on the phone before for over an hour and we had a good chat, we both want to stay close and be really good friends(shes very upset but not angry with me yet and i hope she doesnt get angry). We want to be close and see what happens. I think i just cant cope with the commitment side of things but im still in love with her. I think this is the best thing but i really am having 2nd thoughts and i feel so terrible for what ive done... thanks for listening. Michael Link to post Share on other sites
Author Michael Posted February 20, 2003 Author Share Posted February 20, 2003 well its now been a day, there hasnt been any replies but i hope people do care. My newest feelings are now *I feel i want to be happy with her again, i didnt break it off because of her actions it was more because i couldnt feel i could be in a serious relationship but she said she is prepared to work through it and not be as commited and serious and thats i think what i want. *I feel that now im not with her im seeing so many other sides, im realising how much she really does mean to me and how much i really do love her and that i making me want to try again, i feel that i owe it to her, to give it another chance but it that the wrong thing to do? PLEASE HELP ME OUT HERE, thanks Link to post Share on other sites
Author Michael Posted February 21, 2003 Author Share Posted February 21, 2003 hrmmmm, well ive done the last 3 posts in a row with no help what so ever.....thats ok no one obviously cares so i can go somewhere else. Thanks to the ones who try to help me out. Link to post Share on other sites
Reckless Posted February 21, 2003 Share Posted February 21, 2003 Okay Michael Thing about forums is they're fine for general discussions and drawing on view points to get some general principles but if you need day to day attention you're better of turning to a parent or a friend or counselor, someone that knows you well and really cares about you as an individual, someone that can perhaps give you insights that are impossible here and hold your hand through the tough times. That's not a brush off, it's what I've found from personal experience, the medium has it's limits (as you're learning) and you don't want that to add to your frustrations.... Anyway, totally normal break up phase to suddenly think 'what have I done?! I've made a terrible mistake!' and want to start back peddling like mad...' The girl you've just dumped becomes incredibly attractive and you see what you're loosing. That is why you have to think long and hard and take needed time before you break coz once it's done, it's very hard to change direction. So now you're seeing things differently and reassessing the situation, probably too late to do anything about it now. Tony mentioned that you are young, and one of the things about being young is that you can learn from mistakes and still have time to make a success of life. I'm not saying you have necessarily made a mistake, I'm not saying you haven't, but I am saying you will probably have to put this one down to experience and finish moving through all the stages of getting over a break up (regret I suspect is one of them) and learn to take full responsibility for your actions. You mentioned earlier that this break up would be number three with the same individual, let's face it if you did get back together do you not think she might be holding her breath waiting for number four? Do you think that you are ready to be with someone long term if you need 3 break ups to appreciate them? You say you love her you might have to prove it by giving her the chance to get over you and yourself a chance to learn a little more about life, love and commitment. I'm sorry you are having such a hard time, find someone to help you through this period and give it time because like I said, at 18 it's one of the few things you have plenty of. R. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Michael Posted February 21, 2003 Author Share Posted February 21, 2003 thanks..i appreciate the time you have taken to try and help me out Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted February 22, 2003 Share Posted February 22, 2003 Well, Michael, I took you at your word when you wrote some time above that it was OVER. That usually means you're moving on. If you want new advice, start a new thread.' When you break up with somebody, make a clean break and move on. There's no good reason to allow yourself to be jerked around. You should also learned not to demand or expect things from people. That sort of attitude will get you nowhere in life, especially in relationships. Link to post Share on other sites
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