will my wife ever come back to me

[confuzd]

Caliguy, I haven't been keeping anything from you guys, I have been trying to keep this as honest as possible, If I was lying I wouldn't be running the risk of making myself look like a womanizer here.

 

Just being honest about my life events, if anyone cares. It is not an attempt to get my wife back but I have also read stories that have taken these turns and have later reconciled, but like I said I am no longer stuck on that notion.

 

I think my 180 came when I realized that I can really get what I want, and do not need her. Yes my wife is beautiful, yes I loved her, but you know what, there are many beautiful women and more importantly more beautiful opportunities.

 

Im not saying I am totally shut down to reconciling with my wife if she does something miraculous, because we do have alot together, but I am done trying and even thinking about it.

 

When I found out she is still involved with OM, I decided I can no longer pass along opportunities waiting for her. Especially not with some real decent women.

 

Yes it is strictly friendship, it it goes farther physically, then it will just be friends with benefits, as long as we are both in agreement.

 

I am not ready to dive into another relationship and that is not my intention, if it happens I may consider it though, and at that time I would be the perfect man to them, I have not been ruined by a long shot, I know how to treat a woman, and when I find a woman worthy she will get the royal treatment.

 

I do really like the doctor girl though, she is definitely my type, drop dead gorgeous, and has her act together (obviously). If I see a future for us I will drop everything else and focus my attention, but right now just friends.

 

I will call an attorney and get that process started as well, time to move on.

[CaliGuy]

Whatever happens man, we're being you 100%.

[confuzd]

thats referring to what my wife is thinking,

 

last week, when I truly decided I was finished I packed up her stuff as I previously mentioned, but she did not come in the house, she jut dropped off my son and drove off so I didn't get a chance to give it to her. So I left it in a box by the door.

 

Well I got home yesterday and it was gone, My father who lives with me told me that she came by to see our son and took it with her.

 

I figured if she had thought at any moment that I was not serious that should definitely be a wake up call. Well it was, that night about 1030pm after my date, which I will talk about a little later, she texts me saying "so 3 months makes up for 8 years"

 

This woman does not get it, I don't give a **** if it was three days, I have already admitted my wrong doing, one day she will wake up and see that. The more she keeps talking about these 8 years, the more she is digging her own grave, I am done hearing about it, I have shown sincere remorse, empathy, and I apologized numerous times. She hasn't.

 

I didn't reply to the text, I texted her the next morning telling her to let her supervisor know that she will have to drop her son off in the morning, because I will not do it for her anymore, and if she decides to just drop him off anyways, I will not be here.

 

I can't be used by her anymore, as much as I love taking my son to school, she has to see that it is her responsibility as well as a single parent. Well she calls me and we get into it, I noticed her trying to keep composure but it didn't last.

 

She made comments about how Im wrong for the way Im acting, and Im not thinking about our family. You've got to be joking right, I'm not thinking about our family, yeah she is out there, with that comment.

 

Anyways I told her I didnt care what she was saying i didn't want to hear it, She said so what does that mean, I said it means it's over, It means divorce, she said should she file or I, I said I will, she said don't worry I already have an attorney, I said fine but I will still see my own.

 

she was very upset, but I don't care, she is not getting it, she is taking no responsibility for anything, Man the stress.

 

This really sucks, not because we are splitting up Im okay with that now, but just everything that comes with it, our son, the homes, everything.

 

Well, Im at the point where I am ready to get beaten down by the divorce, assess my damages and start recovering, I am a fighter and I know I will be alright regardless. I can lose it all and I will get it all back, thats just me and what I beleive about myself.

 

As far as the date, it was awesome, great conversation, I was totally upfront about my entire situation, and she really admired my honesty. she said she wanted to take it slow because she could really see herself easily falling for me, I told her that was the best Idea.

 

We talked about her plans, she graduates from med school in two years, and will then have to decide on a residency to attend. she is interested in being a trauma surgeon, but doesn't know yet.

 

I ended the night by grabbing her and kissing her, she later told me she love the spontanaiety and that it paid off in my favor

 

We will be having lunch on friday.

 

Oh well every cloud has a silver lining, I am making it day by day, some times I feel like crying and I don't even know why.

 

what a life

 

confuzd.

[CaliGuy]

Confuzd, she's a lot like my ex. No remorse, no apologies, doesn't hold herself accountable for anything.

 

I'm curious, when did she hire an attorney?

 

IMHO, she was keeping you on a string in case the OM didn't work out. This is good. You're giving her a huge wake up call and showing her what she's about to lose. I would, if she talks about the past 8 years, remind her that you did not cheat on her and that you've apologized for your behavior but she has not apologized for hers.

 

It's not YOU that is the problem, it's her. Always has been in my opinion.

[Cobra_X30]

Confuzd,

 

Your wife wants to punish you for those 8 years... thats what this is all about... she wants to feel like she has made it fair. I would suggest informing her that you have changed... that you wanted things to work... that you realize what you did to her for those 8 years.... and that you will always regret it.

 

Also inform her that you would be doing your best... your absolute best to be the man she needs, and to spend the rest of your lives together trying to make that up to her. But she chose another man! There is no getting around it, she made her choice and then lied to you about it.

 

I think that would get your point across in a way that would get her to understand how you feel!

[jmargel]

It seems like your communications are not connecting right between you and your wife. Next time she calls, explain to her that all you wanted was a decision by her on what she wanted to do. That you were held in limbo for quite awhile and on top of that been lied to about this other man. That you were willing to try to work it out but it's one thing if you are confused but another if a third party is still involved.

 

However with this new chick, be very careful. Seems kind of ironic that you are doing the same thing your wife is. IMO you are moving way too fast and especially if this chick is telling you she could fall for you fast it's a clear sign to back off for now. You two talk about taking it slow, etc.. but all the signs point elsewhere.

[reboot]

It's pretty obvious that your new attitude towards your wife and the arrival of this new girl is more than a coiencidence. I'm with jmargel, be very careful.

[LosingMyDreamGirl]

Yeah, the kiss was not taking it slow.

[BestAdvisor1]

I think you're about to be doing what your wife has been doing to you. Maybe it's a good idea to inform her that there is someone else in your life now and that way, you'll be honest, unlike your wife.

[confuzd]

Yeah, the new girl, is very nice and definitely helps me get through this whole ordeal, but Im not sure what comes first.

 

It could be that I am fed up with her stuff therefore am open to the opportunities around me that I never noticed before but where always there,

 

or it could be that I am taking advantage of the opportunities now, and therefore am able to detatch from the wife.

 

Which ever it is, I will not lie to my wife, I am not offering any info if not asked because it is none of her business, but if she asks I will tell her I have someone else to keep my company.

 

I will try to keep my posts more about my ordeals with my wife though, since that is the nature of this board, but if you have any questions feel free to ask.

 

still haven't talked to the wife so not much to post, but she is supposed to come over today to go over the divorce agreement. I had her name tattooed on my back, I am going to get it covered today, I will have my shirt off when she comes so she can plainly see that her name is no longer there.

 

I think she is still in La La land and she really needs a wake up call

 

confuzd.

[reboot]

It appears she's about to get that wake up call. Good luck.

[CaliGuy]

Yeah, the new girl, is very nice and definitely helps me get through this whole ordeal, but Im not sure what comes first.

 

It could be that I am fed up with her stuff therefore am open to the opportunities around me that I never noticed before but where always there,

 

or it could be that I am taking advantage of the opportunities now, and therefore am able to detatch from the wife.

 

Which ever it is, I will not lie to my wife, I am not offering any info if not asked because it is none of her business, but if she asks I will tell her I have someone else to keep my company.

 

I will try to keep my posts more about my ordeals with my wife though, since that is the nature of this board, but if you have any questions feel free to ask.

 

still haven't talked to the wife so not much to post, but she is supposed to come over today to go over the divorce agreement. I had her name tattooed on my back, I am going to get it covered today, I will have my shirt off when she comes so she can plainly see that her name is no longer there.

 

I think she is still in La La land and she really needs a wake up call

 

confuzd.

 

 

Showing your wife that you had your tattoo removed would be seen as juvenile. It'd be better if she found out some time later and on her own without you trying to make it obvious.

 

(Mental note: Never tattoo someone's name anywhere on your body!)

[confuzd]

Showing your wife that you had your tattoo removed would be seen as juvenile. It'd be better if she found out some time later and on her own without you trying to make it obvious.

 

(Mental note: Never tattoo someone's name anywhere on your body!)

 

I thought about that, but It has to breathe so I can't have it covered. Yeah never again.

[Yernasia Quorelios]

....as always, after taking all the advice and opinions on board and weighing them up, you're going with your instincts. Whatever way this ends up you'll be a winner.

 

You are fed-up (which is valid) and not bitter (if you were it would not be valid). You are prepared to continue communication without being prepared to wait (which is also valid). You are being open and honest (including the tattoo thing) with everyone involved (very valid).

 

I'm still with you 100% and don't believe that you need to do (or have done) anything any differently .

 

PS You're welcome Lysne

[Mike1966]

Hang in there confuzed.

 

Kudos to you for taking your stance with character and riding this thing out.

 

Keep me posted, my friend.

 

If you're following my thread, things are unraveling pretty quickly for me and I think I'm headed down the divorce path again.

 

Man, talk about highs and lows through this process, huh? Oh well, I can see you've grown through this experience.............I know I have, too, and will be better for it no matter what.

 

Peace!

[confuzd]

Thanks YQ for your endless support, I thought I would probably lose alot of supporters, thanks.

 

Well my wife did not come over, she decided she wanted to talk on the phone about the details.

So she started telling me in a very calm voice what info she needed from me. I said okay, and that I would give it to her.

 

She told me the details, and everthing sounded fair, she said she did not want anything from me and was not out to hurt me.

 

I asked if this is what she really wanted, she said is this what you really want, I paused and said Yes.

 

Then asked her, she said No. she said this is not what she wants, and started telling me all the things that I knew where true all along

 

she said if she wanted to divorce she would've divorced me a while ago, and that she wouldn't have been going to counseling, dates, making love, anything if she wanted it over. (to anyone going through this, these are real signs that it is not over, pay attention to them)

 

I said the only reason you didnt want it over is because you saw that I had truly changed, she said Yes, that is right, it made it so hard (another note, do your 180's and change, it can save a marriage if you truly want it too, as you see)

 

I said well, I did change but you didn't. Through all of this you continued to have an Affair, she said you won't let me explain, I said I don't want to hear it. She said you don't want a divorce, I said this is the only way right now, If we remarry in the future then so be it, if not then so be it as well, but we can not be together.

 

She said if I wanted this to be over I would not be sitting at home sick to my stomach.

 

She said she is not with him anymore, I said so what, you where with him all this time. I told her that i am all out, and have nothing left to give her.

 

I said I will get her the info she needs, and that we need to get this done as soon as possible.

 

I never would've thought that I would be the one, saying its over, I waited so long for my wife to tell me that she didn't want to end it, but it had to come to this.

 

There is truth to it all, both tough love, and unconditional love.

The thing is tough love was not really love at all, at least not for me, it was the absence or inability to show anymore love, though the love may still be there and probably always will be.

 

The unconditional love, was what kept her from leaving me altogether, it made her second guess her decision, It confused her at a time when she felt so certain. It showed her the man I am, and could be to her.

 

I recommend to all, (and is just my recommendation) first go with unconditional love, do the 180's, back off very lovingly, give her her space, be her friend when she needs one, understand her, love her from afar. this is the first step.

 

If this does not work for you then you must take more drastic measures, and show her that you are moving on, unfortunately for me I really am moving on, but this doesn't have to be the case for you, the reaction should be the same.

 

If she gets a change of heart as my wife has, and you still want to save the marriage, don't jump at the opportunity, let her know you are hurt, and that it will take some dedication on her part as well. I still beleive a marriage can be saved, even if only one person wants to save it at the time.

 

Never give up, unless you want too. Do what makes you happy, and what you will be able to live with.

 

confuzd

[Mike1966]

Well confuzed,

 

I'm a little puzzled I guess but at the same time totally respect your decision to move on. Your wife had many a chance to end it with this OM when you were showing her that you WERE the man for her.

 

It sounds as if you have made up your mind and are moving on. I suppose I'm getting close to the same decision but confess that if my wife REALLY would commit to counseling and taking steps to restore the marriage that I would try.

 

Keep me posted, my friend.

[Ladyjane14]

There is truth to it all, both tough love, and unconditional love.

The thing is tough love was not really love at all, at least not for me, it was the absence or inability to show anymore love, though the love may still be there and probably always will be.

 

The unconditional love, was what kept her from leaving me altogether, it made her second guess her decision, It confused her at a time when she felt so certain. It showed her the man I am, and could be to her.

 

I recommend to all, (and is just my recommendation) first go with unconditional love, do the 180's, back off very lovingly, give her her space, be her friend when she needs one, understand her, love her from afar. this is the first step.

 

This is very similar to Dr. Harley's (Marriagebuilders) Plan A and Plan B.

 

The problem is... people wait TOO LONG in Plan A (what you would call unconditional love) before invoking Plan B (tough love). If you wait too long, as you've seen, the betrayed spouse runs through his/her love supply and it's OVER.

 

The trick to it, I firmly believe, is giving your wayward spouse a taste of divorce while you still have some love left, before it's too late and the love bank is indeed broken.

[CaliGuy]

The trick to it, I firmly believe, is giving your wayward spouse a taste of divorce while you still have some love left, before it's too late and the love bank is indeed broken.

 

This is what JMargel and I had been telling Confuzd from the beginning and why I recommended "Love Must Be Tough" to him so often. These principals are taught in the book

[Ladyjane14]

This is what JMargel and I had been telling Confuzd from the beginning and why I recommended "Love Must Be Tough" to him so often. These principals are taught in the book

 

It's hard to see that though when you're in the midst of it. It's got to feel soooo unnatural when you put "tough love" into practice and all your instincts are telling you to do just the opposite... to give her a more reassuring version of your desire for love and commitment, to prove to her that your change is as good as your word. It's a tall order.

 

To be honest, in my own situation, I came out strong with what Gunny would probably refer to as a "Louisville Slugger whack upside the head by Mr. Reality". And THEN... I came on with my Plan A. Plan B was never necessary after that. Although, it was my hold card for a long time.

[Yernasia Quorelios]

Thanks YQ for your endless support, I thought I would probably lose alot of supporters, thanks.

You're more than welcome Confuzd .

 

I said well, I did change but you didn't. Through all of this you continued to have an Affair, she said you won't let me explain, I said I don't want to hear it. She said you don't want a divorce, I said this is the only way right now, If we remarry in the future then so be it, if not then so be it as well, but we can not be together.

I am making the following suggestion because you haven't totally closed the door on her. Take this opportunity, while you are feeling less for her than you've ever felt before, to listen to her explanation about the affair. If you choose to do this then you really must listen. This means:

• Not interrupting
  
• Not defending yourself or attacking her (which may be quite difficult)
  
• Checking to make sure you've understood

If, after listening, you end up understanding why she continued the affair and kept it secret from you it may help if you ever decide to give it another go in the future.

 

As ever good luck .

[Mike1966]

confuzed,

 

Let me know how it's going, my friend. Any new developments, have you and the wife talked at all?

[Reckless]

The ability to be introspective enough to know when it is time to take personal responsibility in marital breakdown and recognise that one can never change the past but there is a small window of opportunity to change the future is simply BEYOND the scope a certain type of person.

 

Your wife was being lead by only one sentiment, I feel hurt and I will continue to take until I feel better. Unfortunately NEITHER of you were wise enough to recognise a) that that was what was going on and b) that no human on earth has 8 years of one sided giving in them.

 

Someone, maybe Lyn or LadyJ, mentioned the “love bank. The only thing to have done is to feel all those intense feelings of love, need and regret and still be thrifty, recognising that you might have to go for some time without a deposit on her part and BEFORE you feel nothing, having established that you are on the road to change and willing to continue to do so for the long haul, push for commitment to get the same from your partner.

 

Your wife saw her agreeing to go to councelling as enough, your love account still had a hole in it though and the clock was ticking.

 

No one, and I mean no one can blame you for wanting the pleasant company of a calm and balanced woman and on more than one occasion you have mentioned how “together” (sensible, balanced, intelligent …) this new lady is. But, while I say, more power to you, I can’t help but feel that you are using the euphoria of a new relationship as a way not to feel the grief of death of the old.

 

I truly hope that the crash course in understanding how women think/feel (even, I’ll say this loud, even the together ones), the appreciation of the simple pleasures of spending time with your woman and many of the other lessons that you learnt are not compartmentalized into the box marked ‘trying to get her back’ and packed away.

 

I wish you love, healing and most of all wisdom.

[Woggle]

What exactly have you done for those 8 years that is so horrible for you to deserve this? Did you cheat on her? Did you abuse her? I don't get why she has all this resentment when you don't seem to have done much wrong? Whatever the case kudos to you for finally having backbone. She sees you slipping away and she doesn't like it. Women like her can't stand it when they no longer have a man's heart. Women like her are utterly useless for anything other than a good time.

[lysne]

Hi Confuzd. Just a note of support. I hope you're doing ok. Above all I hope that you've reached some (hard-earned) peace. You do deserve a healthy and mutually rewarding partnership. Whatever paths you're choosing now, I'm sure you will take with you from this mess the tools to create that with a committed partner.

 

I hope you will check in sometime and let us know how you are. For me, I have submitted my masters thesis at long last, and am now looking for a relevant job. H and I took a nice and relaxing vacation. We have also started working out together at the local gym -- for anyone wondering, exercise endorphins seriously cannot be beat. I also adopted a little cat (or rather he adopted me by sitting outside on my porch whimpering for a week). Never thought I was an animal person, but he amuses me and is a patient subject of my maternal tendencies.

 

Funny how you can totally restart your life if you really want to. New attitude, new possibilities. (The main battle is trying not to wait for the other shoe!)