Update on husband tried to hire escort

[shakira]

Here is my previous post:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t108195/?highlight=escort

 

So here is the latest. After installing a key logger, yesterday I finally came across his email password. And low and behold he tried to hire an escort yet again when I was out of town two weeks ago. This time he emailed two escorts and asked them for their availability to come to our home. One of the escorts emailed back with her phone #. I checked our bank accounts (hear they ask for cash upfront) and found that there was no large withdrawals in or around the time frame so I do believe he did not go through with it.

 

Second I found his link on a dating website and he wrote in his profile that he just signed on because he wanted to see what was out there and that he hoped to be impressed. He did list himself as married. He went on to describe his ideal matach as looking for a sexy, fun, open minded woman for some unattached fun. He had a couple of interested replies, the most recent one from last month however when checking the replies I found that all of them were women just posting links to their websites or pictures. So again nothing came out of it thus far.

 

He recently told me the thought of an open marriage is "cool" which has further raised my suspcions about his desire to cheat. He has expressed that he is not satisfied by our sex life. And for my part I am uninterested most of the time. I have however been working on this lately, buying books, toys, etc. But I just never thought he would do this again after everything I went through 6 months ago. We also never got counseling. I brought up possibly going to counseling since I too have been feeling unsatisfied for different reasons in our marriage. He thinks everything is fine and that we can work out our own problems without help. I feel that if he has been so unsatisfied with me to the point of hiring an escort he should have came to me with his feelings and given me the chance to change or work harder before looking outside the marriage. I don't trust him and when I bring up what happened 6 months ago he says that it's over, that there's nothing left to talk about, when will I forget about it, and that he's never cheated on me. I told him I probably will never believe him because when this happened the first time he told me his philosophy is best not to know. And he would not want to know if I cheated.

 

I've been thinking about registering as a user on his dating website and soliciting him to see how far he would take it. I have also thought about saying that I'm leaving for a business trip weekend, staying at a friend's house instead and then checking emails to see if he brought home an escort. What are your thoughts on this? I know it's too devious.

 

I've been reading that given the right opportunity all men will cheat. If this is the case, should I go ahead and have my fun too? I have been in very tempting situations however I always thought about my husband feelings as well as my values. When I think about it I'm pretty sure that if he had been in some of the same tempting situations that I have been in, he would have cheated. So what now. I've been married 5 years and we've been together for almost 10. I do love him and want to recapture the love we felt in the beginning. But then sometimes I wonder if I need to move on. This would be such a huge undertaking. Hate to say this because it sounds shallow but I'd lose all the financial stability we have built as well as the prospect of having children (discovered that I already need help in this arena). One thing I know for sure is that he would be a wonderful father being that that is one thing he has longed for from the beginning. Who knows if I'd ever be able to find that quality again. I feel uncertain and hopeless. Is there anyone out there who has gone through a similar situation and what did you do? Thanks for the replies.

[Lynna]

Unless you want an open marriage with all the excitement and risk of STDs and other women getting pregnant that that brings in, then push him on the marriage counseling!!!!!!!!! You really need help to work through this and find ways to revitalize your marriage and your sex life. You can read all the books that you want, but unless he works on it too, you cannot turn things around on your own.

[LucreziaBorgia]

I would wager that you already know what the outcome would be. He may not have gone through with it yet, but he has made it clear through his actions and his words that he is not interested in monogamy with you.

 

The question is, what do you do about it? I can understand wanting to give him the benefit of the doubt, wanting to see flames in addition to the smoke you are seeing but why wait? You already know he is shopping, and has likely already cheated on you.

 

Time to give him a choice: his activity stops, and he goes to counseling with you or you will divorce him.

[IpAncA]

Sounds like he hasn't done it yet. But if given the chance and everything lines up, chances of him doing so are highly there.

 

I'd consider this your wake-up call that something needs to be done before something happends you don't want.

 

You really need help to work through this and find ways to revitalize your marriage and your sex life. You can read all the books that you want, but unless he works on it too, you cannot turn things around on your own.

 

I agree.

 

Good Luck! .

[sb129]

I would wager that you already know what the outcome would be. He may not have gone through with it yet, but he has made it clear through his actions and his words that he is not interested in monogamy with you.

 

The question is, what do you do about it? I can understand wanting to give him the benefit of the doubt, wanting to see flames in addition to the smoke you are seeing but why wait? You already know he is shopping, and has likely already cheated on you.

 

Time to give him a choice: his activity stops, and he goes to counseling with you or you will divorce him.

 

 

Even if he hasn't actually cheated on you, this kind of behaviour would be absolutely unacceptable to me.

 

I agree with LB. You need to give him a choice- divorce or MC.

 

Good luck!

[Seen_It_All]

He recently told me the thought of an open marriage is "cool" which has further raised my suspcions about his desire to cheat. He has expressed that he is not satisfied by our sex life. And for my part I am uninterested most of the time.

I'm sorry, but do you honestly need a 2 x 4 across the head to get what this a*ss clown is UP to? He didn't hire the escorts because they COST too much, not because he had a sudden case of the guilts.

 

And most of these idiots don't get very far on these "sex hookup websites" because most women don't have to lower themselves to the level of advertising on a sex site to get laid. And about 98% of the idiots on these sites are MEN. They honestly think they can just throw up a profile on ScrewMeNow.com and the women will come flying in droves. Utter morons. Again, your husband didn't hook up there because he got a case of the guilts - he only got what MOST of these mutants get on sex sites - messages from women trying to lure them to their PAID websites. No suprise there.

 

The guy has an itch that apparently he's going to continue to find a way to get scratched. For him, it all comes down to the almighty d*ck.

 

I don't trust him and when I bring up what happened 6 months ago he says that it's over, that there's nothing left to talk about, when will I forget about it, and that he's never cheated on me. I told him I probably will never believe him because when this happened the first time he told me his philosophy is best not to know. And he would not want to know if I cheated.

I wouldn't believe this guy if he told me the SUN were out. I'd have to throw open the door, walk outside, and look up into the sky myself.

 

I've been thinking about registering as a user on his dating website and soliciting him to see how far he would take it. I have also thought about saying that I'm leaving for a business trip weekend, staying at a friend's house instead and then checking emails to see if he brought home an escort. What are your thoughts on this? I know it's too devious.

It all depends on what you PLAN on doing with the information once you get it. I think you know without a DOUBT that he'll jump all over it. What then?

 

To be quite honest, it would appear the ONLY reason he hasn't gotten his freak on with anyone is because his OPTIONS have been limited. I think most men are only as honest as their options, but this guy has made it BLATANTLY clear.

 

 

I wonder if I need to move on.

I would have ALREADY been gone. The level of utter DISRESPECT this a*sshole has shown you would have been good enough for ME to get out.

 

 

...as well as the prospect of having children (discovered that I already need help in this arena).

I honestly wouldn't get a DOG with this guy. The last thing I'd do on EARTH is tie myself to him with children. You think it's hard getting out NOW? Just wait.

 

I feel uncertain and hopeless.

Quite honestly, I would too. The level of disrespect he's clearly shown - toward you and your marriage - is utterly appalling.

[whichwayisup]

There really are two choices here. He goes to counselling with you to fix the marriage, whether he likes it or not, or he's OUT. He CANNOT mess around with OW while still married to you.

 

Having an open marriage is not going to make it better, for either of you. All that will do is open the door to other things, which will more than likely end your marriage anyway.

 

He's acting like a spoiled brat and it's time for him to GROW UP and be a man, be YOUR husband, or GET OUT. End of story!

 

You deserve better!

[Mr. Lucky]

I've been thinking about registering as a user on his dating website and soliciting him to see how far he would take it. I have also thought about saying that I'm leaving for a business trip weekend, staying at a friend's house instead and then checking emails to see if he brought home an escort. What are your thoughts on this? I know it's too devious.

I'm surprised at your apparent need to collect more info or do more investigating. Don't you already know everything you need to in order to make whatever choices you might make? H is a cheater - check. H is a liar - check. H has no regard for the effect his actions might have on your marriage or health - check.

 

What else do you need to know ?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Phoebe]

I know that this is an annoymous website but I still think that you're very brave for posting your story Shakira. My story is very similar to yours, but my husband did go through with hiring a prostitute, and I've been too ashamed to talk about it here. I'm not sure if we can use private messages because you're a new member but I am definately here for you to talk to. I think I understand a lot of what you're feeling right now.

[shakira]

Thanks for the responses. Seen It All you actually made me laugh during a tough situation. Phoebe thanks for your support, I'll try to figure out how to private message. I don' know why I thought I needed more info. I was in a state of denial I suppose. All of your repsonses gave me confidence to confront him.

 

First I asked him,before he knew I had proof, if he had emailed any escort or escort sites since 6 months ago when I found the first batch of emails. Second I asked if he had any profiles on any dating websites. He point blank looked me in the eyes and said no. I gave him every attempt to tell the truth by repeatedly asking the same questions and he repeatedly said no. Then he tried to turn everything on me by saying he thought we were done with this, he didn't know why I can't get over it, he never cheated, has not emailed any escort sites since, and that he was sick of talking about it.

 

Well that's when I hit him with the proof and then he tried to use the curiosity card again. I told him that it had now gone way past the point of curiosity and that it was absurd of him to believe that I would fall for that. He went on to say that he was sorry and that he didn't want to hurt my feelings by telling the truth because he knew that he was done with the whole escort thing for good after this last time. As far as his dating profile he said that again he was just curious as to who was out there and if he had received any messages he would have never replied back. B.S. is what I think. He said that he was going through a mid-life crisis, that he isn't where he thought he would be in life at his age, and that he needed to feel desirable and wanted. He didn't come to me with his feelings because he was embarrassed. He said he understands why I am hurt and angry. I gave him the ultimatum of divorce or counseling and he agreed to counseling. I told him I had to be away from him so right now I am staying at a friend's. Hopefully he's thinking about the consequences of his actions. Thanks again all.

[Mr. Lucky]

that he needed to feel desirable and wanted.

So, in other words, it's at least partially your fault? If you'd make him feel more desireable and wanted, he wouldn't have to stoop to chasing hookers?

 

I feel for you, Sharkira. Your H seems like the most destructive kind of weak, PA, narcissistic scum-bag out there. I hope you have compelling reasons for staying with him, because the fact that he's done the same thing twice means that the BEST thing one could say about him is that he's a slow learner...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Cobra_X30]

Shakira,

 

I think that the Counseling is the best thing possible. Also, if your gone long stints he may be having trust issues with you, especially if your consistently not interested in him physically.

[Missy27]

Thanks for the responses. Seen It All you actually made me laugh during a tough situation. Phoebe thanks for your support, I'll try to figure out how to private message. I don' know why I thought I needed more info. I was in a state of denial I suppose. All of your repsonses gave me confidence to confront him.

 

First I asked him,before he knew I had proof, if he had emailed any escort or escort sites since 6 months ago when I found the first batch of emails. Second I asked if he had any profiles on any dating websites. He point blank looked me in the eyes and said no. I gave him every attempt to tell the truth by repeatedly asking the same questions and he repeatedly said no. Then he tried to turn everything on me by saying he thought we were done with this, he didn't know why I can't get over it, he never cheated, has not emailed any escort sites since, and that he was sick of talking about it.

 

Well that's when I hit him with the proof and then he tried to use the curiosity card again. I told him that it had now gone way past the point of curiosity and that it was absurd of him to believe that I would fall for that. He went on to say that he was sorry and that he didn't want to hurt my feelings by telling the truth because he knew that he was done with the whole escort thing for good after this last time. As far as his dating profile he said that again he was just curious as to who was out there and if he had received any messages he would have never replied back. B.S. is what I think. He said that he was going through a mid-life crisis, that he isn't where he thought he would be in life at his age, and that he needed to feel desirable and wanted. He didn't come to me with his feelings because he was embarrassed. He said he understands why I am hurt and angry. I gave him the ultimatum of divorce or counseling and he agreed to counseling. I told him I had to be away from him so right now I am staying at a friend's. Hopefully he's thinking about the consequences of his actions. Thanks again all.

 

OK to begin with I agree with your decision to spend some time apart from him at the moment, it MIGHT make him realise what he's going to be throwing away if he doesn't get his sh~t together... But.... I dont understand why YOU were the one that moved out and stayed with a friend. YOU haven't done anything to break the marriage contract.. HE has. You shouldn't have been the one moving out ... for one thing you're making life too easy for him, because he's used to you being away on business trips so wont ACTUALLY be given the gift of missing you. Also... you are giving him more opportunity to go fishing on these websites if you've left him at home with the computer.

 

I think your H is actively looking to cheat on you. He just hasn't been presented with the right opportunity yet. There's something going on within your emotional / intimate relationship with him that's forcing his mind into this particular perspective. I'm not usually big on marriage counselling, but in this case I think it's imperative if you want to try and fix your marriage. You need to be able to communicate with eachother...Openly and honestly. You need to strip this thing down to it's bones and find the root cause . A good marriage counsellor will be beneficial in helping you kick start this process.

[Trialbyfire]

The only advice I can give is to get yourself tested for STDs. Anyone interested in getting some outside the marital bed might already have done so. Better safe than sorry.